He's In A Wheelchair; Should She Ask Him To The School Dance?

Dear Tazi:

I have secretly been in love with the same boy since middle school.  I am now a sophomore in high school, and my school's annual Winter Ball is next month.  I would really like to ask my crush to go with me, but I am afraid it would be awkward.  You see, the boy I like is in a wheelchair.  Would it sound insensitive if I were to ask him to a school dance?

"Dax" is an amazing guy.  He is cute, friendly, and always surrounded by friends and making people laugh.  He is the kind of person you can hang with all day and not even notice his wheelchair until you get up to leave, and realize that he has to take the long way to the exit because he needs to use the ramp.  I think he would have a good time at the Winter Ball, even if he can't dance.  I know lots of guys don't dance, but go because their girlfriends make them, so Dax wouldn't be the only guy not dancing if he went with me and I could dance with the other girls whose dates don't dance.  If I explained things to him this way, do you think Dax would say yes to going to the dance with me?

Signed,
Winter Blues

Dear Winter Blues:

I think if you told Dax everything you just told me he would be super insulted that you assume he is unable of getting around on the dance floor.  Disabled does not mean unable.  Whether Dax enjoys dancing or not is a matter of his personal preferences, not his chair.  I know plenty of men with two perfectly working legs who can't dance worth a lick!  Many people in chairs are capable of pulling moves non-paraplegics can only dream of doing, like popping a wheelie while spinning in a circle - with or without an attractive date sitting on their lap, arms thrown around their shoulders!

You write that Dax is "an amazing guy" who is "always surrounded by friends and making people laugh".  How do you think he would feel if he was excluded from the dance because of the wheelchair that you otherwise do "not even notice"?  If you want to ask Dax to the dance - and he is interested in spending time with you - I do not see why he would refuse.  Several years ago my Mommie went to a Winter Ball with a date who was in a wheelchair.  She had an awful time because her dress was improperly sewn and the rear seam tore, but her date had an awesome time tearing up the dance floor while Mommie searched for a needle and thread.  After the dance, they went clubbing and danced some more!

If you aren't certain about how to ask Dax to the dance, try the casual approach.  Ask him if he is considering going, or if anyone has asked him yet; judge by his response as to whether or not he seems interested in going and decide what move to make from there.  Asking someone you like on a date can be a nerve-wracking experience, so just take a deep breath and act like you always do when you are around Dax...unless you normally act like the giggly airhead girls seem to turn into when they are around their crush, in which case try to act like you do around your best friend.

Please write back and let me know how things turn out for you!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Bat Mitzvah Celebration Second To The Importance Of Ceremony

Dear Tazi:

My daughter will be turning 13 this spring, and her father and I are secretly planning her Bat Mitzvah party. Our religion and our culture are very important to us, and we wish to pass the importance of them onto our daughter; for this reason we are having her concentrate on the solemnity of the event and have her thinking there will be a light reception in the Temple hall after the ceremony. She has no idea that we have planned a large party for her and will be inviting all of her friends, as well as family who will be traveling a great distance to see her.

“Rachel” has attended several Bar and Bat Mitzvahs over the past few years and has seen the great lengths her friends’ parents have gone through to make these special events memorable – formal dances at a local ballroom; a small fair, complete with a midway and rides; a $100-a-plate dinner, to name a few. My husband and I have been very fortunate financially, and will be sparing no expense on Rachel’s party, however we do not want her to turn into a “princess”; for this reason, we have always worked to keep her humble and have not spoiled her.

Rachel is starting to ask what we will be doing for her Bat Mitzvah and throwing suggestions our way – renting a nightclub and hiring PaulyD. from Jersey Shore to DJ it; hosting a spa day for her and all of her guests; and other ideas that only a young teen would suggest. We have planned an evening of dinner and dancing aboard a cruise ship that will cruise to the local islands where the party will continue both on the yacht and the beach. Rachel knows nothing of this; we have told her that she should concentrate on learning her Hebrew for the big day and to leave the reception to us, her parents.

I guess we have done a good job of convincing Rachel that she will not be getting a huge party, because she has started to whine and complain about how we are “the worst parents ever” and how she will be “completely humiliated” in front of all her friends when all she gets is a reception in the Temple hall. When my husband threatened to take even that away if she did not behave, she tried cajoling us by telling us how all of her friends have invited her to huge parties and that it would be rude not to reciprocate. Knowing as we do, her pleas are falling upon deaf ears.

This week it got back to my husband, through one of his business contacts, that Rachel has been bragging to her friends that we will be throwing her the “biggest bash” anyone has ever seen, that we are pulling out all the stops to make it the most memorable party ever. Since Rachel knows none of the details, we had to assume she was bluffing but we asked her anyway. She told us we now had to throw her such a party in order to save face and avoid embarrassment.

Tazi, my husband is livid! He is considering cancelling Rachel’s party altogether and going through with the small reception in the Temple hall that we have told her she will be having. We have tried so hard to instill humility into our daughter, but I do not think humiliating her will be the way to go about doing it. Thus far I have been able to convince my husband to think about his decision, but the final date to cancel and still get our (sizable) deposits back is coming soon and I do not think he has changed his mind.

I know this sounds silly but…well, during the Middle Ages cats saved our people from the plague by eating the rats and mice that infected others. [Ed. Note: The Judaic people kept cats as house-pets, which was uncommon at the time considering that cats were associated with witches and their craft]. My husband has a special affinity for cats, and he loves your comments, always saying you are a “klug ketsle” which means “clever kitty” in Yiddish. Can you think of a better way to teach our daughter the humility we so seek for her, and the understanding that the most important part of her Bat Mitzvah is not the party that follows?

Signed,

Shroyft

Dear Shroyft:

Thank you for the compliments and the faith you place in me to solve your problem! I will do my best to think of a solution that will work for everyone and save your daughter’s magnificent sounding party!

Rachel is at an age where young girls are becoming young women, and midst these changes come changes in attitudes. Girls take their insecurities out on each other, and constantly try to one-up each other to remain on top. It could be that Rachel’s friends were asking her what kind of party she will be having and she panicked. I would not be too hard on her – it can be very hard to remain humble when you are a teenage girl surrounded by angst; although she may not be acting humble on the outside, I am sure that your daughter is feeling plenty humbled on the inside.

Your daughter’s Bat Mitzvah is a huge event for both her and your family, so I suggest you make the celebration that follows about your faith and your family. At a wedding reception, the bride and groom spend an hour or two going to every table and thanking their guests for spending their special day with them, and spending a few minutes making each guest feel like a special part of the event; I suggest you have Rachel do the same at her party. This in and of itself will be an exercise in patience and humility, as well as a wonderful gesture to make your guests feel appreciated for attending, especially those who traveled a great distance to be there.

Although I am not Jewish, I am familiar with many of the traditions surrounding the faith, including tithing. I suggest you tell Rachel now that she will be donating 10% of her cash gifts received from her Bat Mitzvah. Tell her that she should start thinking about where she would like to donate it and why she has chosen that particular organization to receive her tithe. This can be a lesson in both humility, the traditions of your faith and the meanings behind the tithe. You could make this a part of her preparations for her Bat Mitzvah.

Leaving Rachel in the dark about whether or not she is going to have a large and splendid party – making her think that she will be having no party at all, in spite of her bragging – would be the road I would take. Once she realizes the pressure she is putting on you and her father is not working, she will probably start to do damage control among her friends as she tries to back away from her original statements – another lesson on the benefits of keeping a humble tongue in one’s keppelah.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Bratty Niece Leaves Angry Uncle Wanting An Apology

Dear Tazi:

My sister-in-law has an eight year old daughter who is an absolute brat. She interrupts conversations, talks back to adults, and never says thank-you for anything. I avoid visiting my in-laws because I know that one day I am going to lose it on the kid if her behavior does not improve.

For me, the last straw with “Aimee” was Christmas Eve. We were gathered at my sister-in-law’s house and the kids were opening gifts from the adults. My wife spent a lot of time and money shopping for the nephews and nieces, picking out what she thought would be just the right gift for each of them. Her three other nieces and her two nephews loved their gifts, and expressed their gratitude; Aimee did not like her gift, and let everyone know. She threw aside the GAP Kids outfit my wife had bought her, calling it “stupid and for babies”. Aimee’s mother demanded that she apologize, but Aimee refused, saying she wasn’t sorry and that it is wrong to lie. (At least the kid showed some kind of moral compass).

My wife was distraught and I was just plain [angry], so we ended up leaving shortly after Aimee’s meltdown. I expected my sister-in-law to call to apologize, say she has punished Aimee for her rude behavior, or something like that, but she never did; she didn’t even call to wish us a Merry Christmas. I would like to call my sister-in-law and tell her exactly how I feel about her kid’s behavior, but my wife says to let it go, that Aimee is probably going through a phase and will outgrow it. Aimee’s birthday is in February, and I would like to skip the gift-giving altogether, as punishment since nobody else seems to be correcting her, but my wife says that is harsh and that Aimee will have forgotten her behavior by the time her birthday rolls around. I say that is all the more reason to remind her of it, not to reward her for it.

My wife is a devoted reader of your column (and yeah, I like it too) so I would like to know your opinion on what to do – let things go or make a point.

Signed,

Angry Uncle

Dear Angry Uncle:

Eight years old can be a difficult age for a girl; she is no longer a baby or even a little girl, but she is not yet a teenager who can wear makeup and talk about boys. Our American culture pushes adolescence on children younger and younger with every generation – it is different from when you were a child. When my Mommie was a child she would emulate Sheena Easton and Donna Summer; now girls look to role models like Katy Perry and Lady Gaga. What girly-girl would not be entranced by that much glitter? However, the fact remains that Aimee is still an eight year old girl, regardless of how old she may think she is. This could explain – although not excuse – Aimee’s rudeness.

She worked hard for the money, so hard honey, honey!

After re-reading your letter, I think that the situation was handled badly all the way around – from Aimee’s tantrum to your sister-in-law’s passive attitude, to you and your wife picking up and leaving early – while this may have resolved your own discomfort, it probably made things even worse for the other guests (who may have deserved that discomfort for sitting passively and watching the drama unfold; I cannot say for certain since I was not there).

Putting aside the fact that Aimee’s mother needs to take charge of her daughter’s behavior – that is another issue altogether – I would like to address your handling of the whole gift-giving situation. You say that your wife spent a lot of time and money picking out what she thought was the perfect gift. While I appreciate her efforts, did she seek input from her sister on what Aimee might like? This small effort could have saved her the larger effort of searching for the perfect gift, and is the reason that weddings have registries and why children write letters to Santa. This oversight, however, in no way excuses Aimee’s behavior.

Your wife is right in saying that Aimee will have forgotten her behavior from Christmas by the time her birthday arrives. Withholding her gift when you have given her birthday gifts in the past will be a lesson lost on one so young. I suggest that you give Aimee a birthday gift, as usual. Should her reaction to your gift mirror her reaction at Christmas, calmly take the gift, put it back in the box, and tell Aimee that you will be returning it since she did not like it. Do not exchange the gift for something she likes; do not give her a gift card or merchandise credit; simply let her poor behavior be its own reward. If she questions your actions, when she realizes a new gift is not forthcoming, explain to her in language that a newly-minted nine year old can understand: a gift is not something that is automatic; it is given out of love, and when love is not shown back no gift the giver feels very hurt. A gift once given belongs to the recipient, but if rejected can be taken back by the giver. If your sister-in-law has a problem with this, you can take the issue up with her – privately, not in front of her child.

Snuggles,

Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.