When You Marry Someone You Marry Their Family, Too

Dear Tazi:

My boyfriend and I are considering marriage, but I don’t think I can go through with it. I love “Jason” dearly, but his mother hates me and makes no secret of it. I am Jewish and Jason is Catholic, which is a part of her problem, but to be fair I do not think my religion is the only reason she hates me. I think she is the kind of woman who thinks no woman is good enough for her son.
A few months ago, she invited me to celebrate Easter dinner with her family. I politely refused on religious grounds – Easter falls during Passover this year, and I would not be able to partake in a non-kosher meal. Technically, I am not supposed to even enter a house that has leavening agents in it, but I am not that strict in my observance. Jason’s mother took this as a personal insult, and let me know that the day would come that I would regret turning down her hospitality. I believe that day has come - and sooner than I thought.

Jason’s mother had invited me over for dinner to let bygones be bygones; I thought she meant well, but when I arrived, Jason’s father let me in and I walked in on an argument between Jason and his mother. Jason was upset with her for inviting me over but then not preparing a kosher meal while his mother was yelling that she was not about to go out and buy all new cookware and prep tools in order to satisfy “a ridiculously outmoded belief”. To his credit Jason told me to leave my jacket on, that we were leaving.

I could not believe that his mother invited me over for dinner and then planned on serving me a non-kosher meal; to me, it was a slap in the face and I am glad that Jason discovered her plan before I sat down to eat. Her comments about my dietary guidelines were equally upsetting – I almost asked her if she eats meat on Fridays, but was too shocked to speak.

Jason knows how upset I am over his mother’s treatment of me, but he will not address her about it directly, preferring to take a passive stance to try and keep both of us happy. Well, I am not happy.

Signed,
Loves him, Loves Him Not

Dear Loves Him, Loves him Not:
Jason’s mother sounds like an uncompromising piece of work. Her attitude is very un-Christian, and she needs to work on her attitude – regardless of her motivation for treating you so poorly. For her to invite you into her home and then cook a meal she knows you cannot eat is a slap in the face to you and your faith; her comments are indefensible. Still and all, she is your boyfriend’s mother; if you were to marry him she is a part of the package.

You might want to reconsider that marriage proposal...

I suggest you tell Jason what you have told me – that you are not happy. It could be that he does not want to stand up to his mother in front of you, for fear of upsetting her further, but will stand up for you in your absence. Try to give him the benefit of the doubt and enter into a meaningful discussion – on the matter of his mother, her treatment of you, and his lack of defense – with an open mind. Hopefully, once he hears how hurt you are, he will change his behavior and be willing to take a stand for you while you are there to witness it.

Since you and Jason have been considering marriage, I strongly advise that you attend pre-marital counseling sessions in order to clear the air between the two of you. Before any of this happens, though, you need to decide if you want to marry into Jason’s family. If the answer is no, then you must be up-front and honest with him about why you cannot see yourself building a permanent life with him and let the chips fall where they may. I wish you all the best; your situation is not an easy one.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Bat Mitzvah Celebration Second To The Importance Of Ceremony

Dear Tazi:

My daughter will be turning 13 this spring, and her father and I are secretly planning her Bat Mitzvah party. Our religion and our culture are very important to us, and we wish to pass the importance of them onto our daughter; for this reason we are having her concentrate on the solemnity of the event and have her thinking there will be a light reception in the Temple hall after the ceremony. She has no idea that we have planned a large party for her and will be inviting all of her friends, as well as family who will be traveling a great distance to see her.

“Rachel” has attended several Bar and Bat Mitzvahs over the past few years and has seen the great lengths her friends’ parents have gone through to make these special events memorable – formal dances at a local ballroom; a small fair, complete with a midway and rides; a $100-a-plate dinner, to name a few. My husband and I have been very fortunate financially, and will be sparing no expense on Rachel’s party, however we do not want her to turn into a “princess”; for this reason, we have always worked to keep her humble and have not spoiled her.

Rachel is starting to ask what we will be doing for her Bat Mitzvah and throwing suggestions our way – renting a nightclub and hiring PaulyD. from Jersey Shore to DJ it; hosting a spa day for her and all of her guests; and other ideas that only a young teen would suggest. We have planned an evening of dinner and dancing aboard a cruise ship that will cruise to the local islands where the party will continue both on the yacht and the beach. Rachel knows nothing of this; we have told her that she should concentrate on learning her Hebrew for the big day and to leave the reception to us, her parents.

I guess we have done a good job of convincing Rachel that she will not be getting a huge party, because she has started to whine and complain about how we are “the worst parents ever” and how she will be “completely humiliated” in front of all her friends when all she gets is a reception in the Temple hall. When my husband threatened to take even that away if she did not behave, she tried cajoling us by telling us how all of her friends have invited her to huge parties and that it would be rude not to reciprocate. Knowing as we do, her pleas are falling upon deaf ears.

This week it got back to my husband, through one of his business contacts, that Rachel has been bragging to her friends that we will be throwing her the “biggest bash” anyone has ever seen, that we are pulling out all the stops to make it the most memorable party ever. Since Rachel knows none of the details, we had to assume she was bluffing but we asked her anyway. She told us we now had to throw her such a party in order to save face and avoid embarrassment.

Tazi, my husband is livid! He is considering cancelling Rachel’s party altogether and going through with the small reception in the Temple hall that we have told her she will be having. We have tried so hard to instill humility into our daughter, but I do not think humiliating her will be the way to go about doing it. Thus far I have been able to convince my husband to think about his decision, but the final date to cancel and still get our (sizable) deposits back is coming soon and I do not think he has changed his mind.

I know this sounds silly but…well, during the Middle Ages cats saved our people from the plague by eating the rats and mice that infected others. [Ed. Note: The Judaic people kept cats as house-pets, which was uncommon at the time considering that cats were associated with witches and their craft]. My husband has a special affinity for cats, and he loves your comments, always saying you are a “klug ketsle” which means “clever kitty” in Yiddish. Can you think of a better way to teach our daughter the humility we so seek for her, and the understanding that the most important part of her Bat Mitzvah is not the party that follows?

Signed,

Shroyft

Dear Shroyft:

Thank you for the compliments and the faith you place in me to solve your problem! I will do my best to think of a solution that will work for everyone and save your daughter’s magnificent sounding party!

Rachel is at an age where young girls are becoming young women, and midst these changes come changes in attitudes. Girls take their insecurities out on each other, and constantly try to one-up each other to remain on top. It could be that Rachel’s friends were asking her what kind of party she will be having and she panicked. I would not be too hard on her – it can be very hard to remain humble when you are a teenage girl surrounded by angst; although she may not be acting humble on the outside, I am sure that your daughter is feeling plenty humbled on the inside.

Your daughter’s Bat Mitzvah is a huge event for both her and your family, so I suggest you make the celebration that follows about your faith and your family. At a wedding reception, the bride and groom spend an hour or two going to every table and thanking their guests for spending their special day with them, and spending a few minutes making each guest feel like a special part of the event; I suggest you have Rachel do the same at her party. This in and of itself will be an exercise in patience and humility, as well as a wonderful gesture to make your guests feel appreciated for attending, especially those who traveled a great distance to be there.

Although I am not Jewish, I am familiar with many of the traditions surrounding the faith, including tithing. I suggest you tell Rachel now that she will be donating 10% of her cash gifts received from her Bat Mitzvah. Tell her that she should start thinking about where she would like to donate it and why she has chosen that particular organization to receive her tithe. This can be a lesson in both humility, the traditions of your faith and the meanings behind the tithe. You could make this a part of her preparations for her Bat Mitzvah.

Leaving Rachel in the dark about whether or not she is going to have a large and splendid party – making her think that she will be having no party at all, in spite of her bragging – would be the road I would take. Once she realizes the pressure she is putting on you and her father is not working, she will probably start to do damage control among her friends as she tries to back away from her original statements – another lesson on the benefits of keeping a humble tongue in one’s keppelah.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Religious Differences Putting The Kibosh On Marriage

Dear Tazi:

My husband is Jewish and I am not. I am not of any religious affiliation, and he knew this when we got married. I respect his religion and the dietary restrictions it places on him, but do not participate in any way, shape, or form. This is becoming a bone of contention in our marriage.

"Hershel" has been delving deeper into the study and practice of Judaism and has been pressuring me to join him in his studies. I have no interest in doing this, but he refuses to back down, saying that a wife should be obedient to her husband. I am assuming that he got this idea from his religious readings, because nowhere in our marriage vows was obedience promised!

With Passover coming up, Hershel has been pressuring me to follow the dietary guidelines of the observance, including the "eschewing of leavening agents" in my bread. Tazi, this is ridiculous! I am not even sure why Jews can't eat yeast, but I don't think it has anything to do with any modern need to avoid it!

I have just about had it with Hershel's obsessive behavior, and am giving serious consideration to my future with him. My friends tell me that I am overreacting, and that I should be more tolerant of my husband's beliefs. Some are even suggesting that I humor Hershel and go along with some of less onerous requests, like the observance of Passover. I need an unbiased opinion.

Signed,
Not Observant

Dear Not Observant:

I am printing your letter during Passover, while there is still time for you to offer to compromise with your husband.

Your use of the word "ridiculous" to describe his dietary restrictions during this solemn time raises red flags for me. Many religious guidelines have no place in modern life, but recall a time when they were vital to survival. Through early religious history Jews were a wandering people, having been forced out of their own lands and then enslaved by others. Leavening agents take time to work; being on the run from the Egyptians that had enslaved them, the Jewish people did not have time to wait for their dough to rise before making bread. By recalling this time of their history the Jewish people are recalling the struggles that brought their ancestors to freedom. Personally, I find this tradition both beautiful and refreshing.

The fact that Hershel wants you to participate in his religious traditions speaks of how important you are to him, as well as how important his traditions are. Have you looked at it from this point of view? Since Hershel is only providing one side of the story when he states that wives must obey their husbands, I can see your reticence to explore his beliefs any further. You do not state whether or not you are an Atheist, or simply non-religious, so I am not sure how to advise you further. A compromise on this issue would be to explore Hershel's faith from an historical point of view, not a religious one. Religious history can make for a fascinating subject, and can help you understand how and why many traditions developed. Don't throw your marriage away over this one issue. Regardless of how large an issue it is, love and understanding can overcome it.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.