Are Clean Rugs More Important Than Family Unity?

Dear Tazi:

I am so completely furious with my mother-in-law I can’t see straight! She usually babysits my sister-in-law’s child during the day while everyone is at work. “Abigail”, age 18 months, caught bedbugs at “Martha’s” house and now both of their houses need to be fumigated. My sister-in-law is beside herself over this because she is desperate for child care and cannot afford to pay anyone so her mother does it for free. How can she complain that her daughter came home with bedbugs when her mother was looking after the child free of charge? She could not even bring herself to ask her mother to cover the cost of fumigating the home and had to work overtime to cover the exterminating charges!

The exterminator could see that [the cost of fumigating the house] was a hardship to my sister-in-law, so he offered her a discount if she and Martha got their houses done on the same day, since it would save him the travel expense. The problem with this was that it left no place to go with Abigail, so I agreed to let Martha watch Abigail at my house while I was off at work. Worst decision ever!

I don’t know if Martha allows Abigail to run ragged at her own house, but she sure let her tear up mine! The place looked like a hurricane had run through – sofa cushions and throw pillows were tossed about, crushed Froot Loops were all over the floor; dirty, smelly diapers that had not been properly treated were thrown in my kitchen garbage, and my plants had been knocked over onto the floor with the dirt spilled all about. The worst part, though, was that Martha let Abigail drink her apple juice in a “big girl cup” because I don’t have any sippy cups in the house. Tazi, my children are teenagers! I have no need for sippy cups!

Long story short (I know, too late), Abigail spilled apple juice all over my new carpeting! I saved my spending money for over two years to be able to afford my new white carpets, and my children all know that woe will betide them if they get those carpets dirty! The carpets are in the good parlor, so it is not an area where people go to hang out and play; that is what the rumpus room is for and Martha knows that!

When I called Martha out about the juice on the carpet, she responded that a baby cannot be expected to know any better. I explained to her that she (Martha) is old enough to know better and should have supervised the baby better! Not being the shirking violet that my sister-in-law is I told Martha that she would have to pay to have my rugs cleaned or replaced. Martha refused, saying she does not have that kind of money, especially after paying to have her house deloused. She then accused me of “putting on airs” with my “fine white carpeting” and told me she was glad Abigail ruined it! Now, I am in a fix.

I put salt on the stain, like you would for wine, and it seems to have lifted a little. I got one of those Stanley Steamers to clean it myself and the stain is almost invisible – just a slight outline of where it was. It cost me almost $100 to clean and I still have a stain that I know is there. I don’t want to ask my sister-in-law for the money because I know she doesn’t have it and Martha has refused to pay, saying that Abigail created the stain so her Mama should be responsible for the cost. I am willing to eat the cost of cleaning, but it sticks in my craw that my good deed did not go unpunished. Plus I have a stain on my carpets! Am I being petty, Tazi?

Signed,

Stuck With A Stain

Dear Stuck With A Stain:

I can understand why you are so upset; never once did you say that your mother-in-law apologized for her neglect of duty in watching her granddaughter. What you do say is that she tried to shift the blame from where it belongs (squarely on her shoulders) and onto a baby who had no control over the situation. Pathetic!

I do not think you are being petty over having to see a reminder of how your mother-in-law disrespected you and your property. Depending on where the stain is, can you hide it by covering it with a piece of furniture, a floor lamp, or a potted plant? At this point, the stain is set and will probably not come out without damaging the carpet fibers, leaving a scar on the carpeting that would be just as unattractive as the stain – if not worse. One possibility (offered to me by a professional carpet installer) is to snip the nap of the carpet with an X-Acto knife. The stained portion is probably not that deep into the nap, and the slight difference in height that will result would not be noticeable in a thick carpet.

I know it will be difficult, but try not to let this incident strain your relationship with your mother-in-law. She is family; she is your husband’s mother and your children’s grandmother. For the sake of family harmony do your best to put this incident in the past…but also for the sake of family harmony do not allow Martha to babysit in your home again.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

True Beauty Comes From The Inside; A Beautiful Face Is A Bonus

Dear Tazi:

My boyfriend of several years, "Barry" is a bartender. He works in a nightclub that is known for its fights, due to differing ethnic backgrounds (that don't get along) who both like to hang out there and call the place their ground. About six months ago, a raging brawl broke out. Barry was working that night and tried to calm things down before the cops arrived and got caught in the middle. He was struck in the face by a broken beer bottle, and had his cheek sliced open, from the top of his jaw diagonally down to his chin. The doctors say he was very lucky not to have incurred any major nerve damage and the only evidence of his ordeal is a long, jagged scar that runs the length of his face. It is this scar that is the problem.

Before this fight, Barry was a very handsome man. Now, the scar makes him look like a thug. I can't stand looking at him and seeing that nasty, jagged reminder of that awful fight! Because the scar is on his face, he was well-compensated by the worker's compensation insurance; and his health insurance will pay for any plastic surgery to have it removed. I have told Barry my feelings on the matter - that I would like to see the scar taken care of - but Barry has refused to undergo reconstructive or laser surgery to have it removed. He says the scar adds "character" and that he has learned to live it with it. I am not sure that I can learn to live with it, Tazi. I have told Barry this, but he just shrugs me off; he says that it is his face, so it is his decision. Don't I have a say, Tazi? I am the one who has to look at him! I know that sounds mean, but this scar is very upsetting to me!

Signed,
Scarface's Girlfriend

Dear Scarface's Girlfriend:

What is it exactly that bothers you about this scar? Are you upset that it has marred Barry's once perfect face? Or is the scar a difficult reminder of the night your boyfriend could have been killed in a bar-fight? You need to be honest with yourself when answering this question, for Barry's sake and well as the sake of your relationship with him.

To answer your question as to whether or not you have a say in the matter of Barry's scar, my answer is "maybe" - it all depends on what you want to say. If the scar is upsetting to you because it reminds you of the violent attack your boyfriend suffered, you need to explain this to him. Barry should then try to work with you in getting past this emotional trauma; because I am certain the attack was no picnic for him, either. This bonding experience could bring back your closeness as a couple.

If the scar is upsetting you because you think it makes your boyfriend look ugly - which, from your signature, I am guessing is closer to the truth - you need to get over yourself. Any kind of surgery is painful and has risks; and facial surgery possesses risks all its own. The face has more than a dozen major sensory and motor nerves, and thousands of nerves that branch off of those nerves, making facial surgery a painful experience. Additionally, should any one of those many nerves be damaged during surgery, facial deformity could occur. Barry could be left with a drooping eyelid or a sagging jaw if a nerve is damaged. I am almost positive that these risks were explained to Barry during his recovery period, and are most likely the reasons for his decision to leave the scar as it is - not because he thinks it adds "character".

I think you may have to learn to live with Barry as he now is and remember that true beauty emanates from within. You say that you have been with Barry for "several years"; I'd like to think your feelings for him are based upon more than just his good looks.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Expensive Sweater Ruined By Toddler - Who Is Responsible?

Dear Tazi:

I have never been fond of children and my cousin and her husband have just given me one more reason to dislike the little creatures. I have just returned from a Christmas dinner at our "Aunt Georgina's" house where my favorite cashmere sweater was ruined by my cousin's two and a half year old son.

Aunt Georgina is elderly, and like a lot of elderly people she keeps the heat on pretty high in her house. I was sweltering in my sweater, so I took it off and placed it over the back of my dinner chair. Aunt Georgina feared it would be ruined when she noticed "Adidas" stroking it repeatedly and sing-songing about how soft it was. She suggested that I put it in the bedroom with the coats, which I did.

After dinner, while sitting around the fire enjoying my family's company, we all noticed a nasty smell emanating from the other room. My brother commented that "it smells like someone needs a diaper change", implying that my cousin or her husband should go find Adidas and change him. My cousin then proclaimed that Adidas no longer wears diapers, that he is potty-training, and that he probably pooped on the floor since there was no potty chair available for his use. (Like our eighty year old aunt would have one?). I can only wish the little monster pooped on the floor!

As soon as my cousin went to investigate, I knew something was wrong. She called Aunt Georgina to the bedroom - where the coats were kept - and I overheard my aunt exclaim a stressed, "Oh dear!". I went into the bedroom and was immediately hit by a wall of the nastiest smell you could imagine! Then, I saw that Adidas had spread my cashmere sweater on the floor and laid a very loose stool out on the center of it! From the look of it, he then used the sleeves to wipe himself. Aunt Georgina saw the look on my face and pulled me into the kitchen where she held me tight while I overcame the urge to throttle the kid.

Tazi, if it was just a sweater it would be one thing, but this sweater was a gift from my late husband who was killed while serving overseas. I would write more, but I think you understand how much that sweater meant to me...and how it is irreplaceable to me. My cousin's husband then added insult to injury by coming into the kitchen and telling me that if I expected him to pay $200 to replace a sweater I was crazy! My cousin overheard him yelling at me and ran in to explain that it wasn't about the money; it's that it's Christmastime and providing for a young child was quite expensive. She then offered to replace my sweater with something of lesser value. Thankfully, Aunt Georgina shooed everyone out of the kitchen at that point just as I burst into tears.

Tazi, no sweater could ever replace the one my husband gave me, and it is not about the replacement value of the sweater. I am upset because my cousin's kid ruined something precious to me and neither parent wants to take responsibility for the "accident". My cousin even went so far to say that I should have put my sweater somewhere safe if I didn't want it ruined and that since Aunt Georgina told me to put it in the bedroom she should be responsible for replacing it! Aunt Georgina graciously offered to do just that, but she is on a limited income and I would not dream of putting such an expense on her.

Has parenting changed so much since I was a child that kids are no longer held responsible for their mistakes? My cousin tells me that if I were a parent I would understand that this was all just a silly accident and I would be more forgiving. While I am angry with Adidas, I am LIVID with his parents! Adidas should know better, but his parents definitely know better! It is for this reason alone that I am demanding that they buy me a replacement sweater. My cousin's husband has told me not to hold my breath waiting and my cousin has suggested - as a compromise - that Aunt Georgina file a claim under her homeowner's insurance, which has a very small deductible that they would be willing to cover. I just don't know what to think!

Signed,
In A Stinky Situation

Dear In A Stinky Situation:

I can see why all your Aunt Georgina could think to say was "oh dear" because I am thinking the same thing myself. Oh, dear. You have my deepest condolences on the loss of your precious present and on the loss of your husband, who was bravely serving his country at the time of his untimely death. It is obvious you are consumed by grief for the loss of what the sweater symbolized, and not the sweater itself. Is your cousin too boneheaded to see this or does she simply not know that the sweater was a gift from your late husband? You might want to make this point clear before trying to clear the air any further.

Your cousin's husband owes you a HUGE apology for the way he responded to the destruction of your property. His response was tacky and self-centered. Both your cousin and her husband need to own up to their responsibility in this mess - one of them should have been keeping an eye on Adidas and made sure that his potty needs were met, even if that simply meant lifting him up and placing him upon the full sized toilet and then holding him steady while he did his thing. That his parents have not taught him that the floor is not the proper place to go potty can be overlooked in an tightly-timed situation (such as when a child has diarrhea); that Adidas' parents are not instructing him as to the error of his actions is inexcusable. Even wild animals have an innate sense of where and where not to defecate. While it is easy for non-parents to offer parenting advice, there are some issues that just beg for correction. This is one of them. When you consider the fact that Adidas had to seek out your cashmere sweater, pull it to the floor, spread it out, center himself above it, and then use the sleeves to wipe his bottom this does not sound like an emergency situation. (For the record, I would like to add that I am impressed that Adidas was able to wipe his own butt! Credit where credit is due).

If your Aunt Georgina does not mind filing a claim against her homeowner's insurance - and the insurance company will pay the claim - than filing a claim, with your cousin covering the deductible, seems like a reasonable course of action. If the insurance company will not cover the claim, then your cousin must be held responsible for the entire cost. It is not like Aunt Georgina's cat barfed on the sweater; she could not have known that her grand-nephew would take a trot all over it of she placed it on the bed with the coats.

I realize a replacement sweater will not be the sweater that your husband gave you, but you need to remember that your husband and your marriage are not represented by a sweater; they are represented by the love you had for the gift he gave you. I also realize you must feel like you are losing your husband all over again, this time one small bit at a time instead of all at once. The grieving process is not something that continuously flows to a smooth end; it has its starts and stops, its lulls and its rapids to navigate. I can see from the tone of your letter that in the time it took to complete it you oscillate between anger and grief. A few appointments with a grief counselor who specializes in working with war widows may be of considerable help to you.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Family Riffs Start As Tiffs So Mend Them Quick!

Dear Tazi:

I am having an argument with my sister and we would like you to settle it for us. I am the type to buy expensive, quality goods that are meant to last. I see spending a little more on my purchases as an investment because they last longer so, in the long run, I spend less. My sister “Mary-Ann” prefers to buy the cheapest, least expensive brand of something so when it breaks – as it always does – she isn’t out a lot of money and she gets to go shopping again. My style works for me and Mary-Ann’s style works for her; but our personal styles do not work for each other.

Last week, I loaned my sister a pair of Donna Karen sunglasses because we were going out for a family field day at the park and she had forgotten her cheap throwaways. I expected Mary-Ann to respect my property and treat it with care; but she treated my sunglasses with as much care as she treats her own – that being none at all. Before the day was half over, Mary-Ann had broken the earpiece of my sunglasses clean off while playing volleyball; leaving them beyond repair. Although she apologized for wrecking my sunglasses, she did not offer to pay for a replacement pair. Rather, she offered to “replace them” for me.

I took Mary Ann’s offer of a replacement pair of sunglasses to mean a new pair of Donna Karen’s, so you can imagine my surprise and disgust when she presented me with a pair of plastic throwaways she purchased at the local drugstore. When I expressed my displeasure, Mary-Ann told me that Donna Karen sunglasses are a “waste of money” and that the sunglasses she purchased me were perfectly fine.

I believe that since Mary-Ann broke my sunglasses she should be responsible for purchasing me a replacement pair of equal value. Mary-Ann believes that since I loaned her the sunglasses in the first place I accepted the fact that they may have been damaged, and that she was being nice in replacing them at all. Is this the thanks I get for watching out for my sister’s vision? Or am I wrong in thinking I deserve more?

Signed,
Ginger

Dear Ginger:

Mary-Ann and Ginger were always two women of different tastes. Mary-Ann with her gingham tops, cut-off jeans, and coconut cream pies was the down-to-earth balance the glamorous Ginger needed. Who wears an evening gown on a three-hour-cruise? Seriously, I am asking because you seem the type who could answer this question for me!

As a fan of designer sunglasses (we felines look fabu in them!) I can understand how upset you are with your sister. However, did you really think that pair of Donna Karen sunglasses was appropriate to wear to a family field day? It’s a castaway in an evening gown all over again! As the lender of this fine eyewear, you should have assessed the risk of damage to them before loaning them to anyone; although as the borrower of these sunglasses, your sister has an obligation to make good on the damage done while she was wearing them.


Doesn't this kitty look fabu?

Unless the sunglasses were brand new, there was probably some amount of wear and tear done to them – regardless of how good the care you gave them – therefore I do not think it fair of you to demand the full retail value of the sunglasses, or the full replacement cost of an equally valued pair. All things depreciate in value and construction, including sunglasses. I do not believe that Mary-Ann did the appropriate thing by purchasing you a pair of throw-away sunglasses from the local drugstore, either. Knowing your tastes, I believe it would have been appropriate for her to offer you a fair amount towards the purchase of a replacement pair of sunglasses. An easy way to resolve this issue is to look for the sunglasses on an online auction site like eBay. The average cost of a pair of Donna Karen sunglasses similar to the ones damaged should be the amount your sister owes you towards a replacement pair. If you would like, Mary-Ann can purchase you a pair of sunglasses used from eBay or she can simply offer you the cash towards a new pair.

Regardless of how you resolve this issue, the lesson to keep in mind is “never a borrower or a lender be” – especially to family. Do you really want an argument over sunglasses to be the breach that cannot be resolved between you and your sister?

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Ruined Sofa Tearing at Woman's Conscience

Dear Tazi:

I have an issue of a rather sensitive nature, and I am hoping you can give me some advice. While my mother-in-law is wintering in Florida, my husband and I are unofficially house-sitting. The truth is, we got evicted from our apartment after the landlord got foreclosed on, and are staying at her place until we find a new apartment. She is not aware of this fact, although the neighbors think that she is.

My husband and I both could benefit from anger management counseling, but we do not have the money for it at this point in time. We are both stressed over our living situation, and things came to a head on New Year's Eve. He did not want to go out, so I got dressed up to go out with my girlfriends. We argued, and one thing led to another and push came to shove - literally. I turned my back on my husband to walk away and he shoved me. My shoe caught on an area rug, and I went flying forward towards the hearth. What slowed me down was the heel of my stiletto catching on my mother-in-law's sofa; otherwise, I would have slammed head-first into the hearth. I suffered bumps, bruises, and a badly broken ankle; the sofa - which was hand-upholstered in hand-woven Chinese silk - suffered a six foot tear right across the front.

I got an appraisal on the cost of repairing the damage, and the entire sofa would have to be reupholstered. It would cost approximately $16,000 (for the cost of materials, and the intricate pin-tucking pattern) . On the night of the accident, my husband took me to the hospital, and the police were called because the emergency room doctor did not believe that I had "tripped". I am not sure if we were able to convince the police, but no charges were filed. However, the problem with my mother-in-law's sofa remains.

We have not yet said anything, but I would like to tell my mother-in-law the truth: that her son and I have been living in her mansion; that we were arguing and things got out of control; and that the damage to her sofa is minimal in comparison to the fact that I could have been killed if I hit my head on the hearth. My mother-in-law could then decide how to handle the financial issues at hand. I know my mother-in-law well enough to know that she would be angry, but understanding. My husband feels this paints him as the "bad guy" and as "an abuser". He wants to tell his mother that we stopped in to check on her house before going out for the evening, and that I tripped and fell and damaged the sofa; which is the story that we told the police. This way, her homeowner's insurance will cover not only the damage to the sofa; but my medical bills and pain and suffering, as well. He feels the profit "we" make off of my injuries could go towards moving expenses and a new apartment.

Tazi, I feel like we have done enough damage as it is; and that lying to my mother-in-law will only complicate the situation. What do you suggest?

Signed,
Home-Wrecker

Dear Home-Wrecker:

I am counting the crimes you and your husband have committed: illegal entry, illegal occupation of your mother-in-law's home, domestic assault, battery, property damage, interfering with a police investigation...did I miss anything? Although I wholeheartedly agree that property damage is infinitely better than manslaughter (the charge your husband would be facing if you had died) I also think it is time for the lies to stop.

I have tried to recreate the scenario you describe, and consulted a Physics professor to figure just how fast you would have had to be traveling to hit the hearth with enough force to split your skull. Without information such as point to point distance and force exerted by the hearth, it is impossible to accurately figure; but the fact that your foot dragged for six feet along the sofa tells me you were moving at a pretty good clip. Just how hard did your husband shove you? If both the ER doctor and the police had a hard time swallowing your story, you can bet that a homeowner's insurance adjuster is going to give you an even harder time - and may actually insist on mathematically figuring the velocity at which you were travelling to cause such damage. Further lies will cause your story to unravel.

You ask my advice, so here it is: Get anger management counseling, before your tempers cost you more than the replacement cost of an expensive sofa. And tell your mother-in-law the unvarnished truth. Her homeowner's insurance might not cover the damage if they know that you two were living there without her permission, so she might want to grant that to you post-factum; unless she wishes to cover the expense of fixing the sofa out-of-pocket or if this constitutes insurance fraud. I dislike the idea of lying - even to an insurance company to which your mother-in-law pays premiums - but if she does not than the insurance company might be able come after you and your husband for the money, which may put you in greater physical danger from his continued temper. I consider the fib the lesser of two evils.

In the meantime, perhaps it is best if you and your husband seek separate residences.

Snuggles,
Tazi



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.