"Victoria" Isn't The Only One With A Secret!

Dear Tazi:

I am a twentysomething Jewish man. I have a great job and a wonderful family. I love my girlfriend very much, and plan to marry her as soon as I have proven my worth to her family. My problem lies within the fact we are both strict and faithful Orthodox, and do not believe in engaging in physical relations before marriage. I have no problem controlling my desires towards "Sarah" because I love and respect her; my fear stems from the fact that I have a horrible secret I have been keeping in the hope that I can overcome the shameful habit I am hiding: I enjoy wearing women's undergarments.

Ever since I was a young boy, I have liked the soft feel of silk against my body. As a teenager I started earning my own money to purchase my own clothing, but could not afford the men's silk boxer shorts that I liked; so I started purchasing ladies silk panties, because they were less than half the cost and offered the same comfort I enjoy. Now that I am older, I make much more money and can easily afford to pay for men's silk underwear; but I feel it would be wasteful to spend so much money on something when I can get something similar - albeit considered inappropriate - for so much less money.

I do feel a little strange sometimes wearing female underpants but overall I am comfortable with my money-saving decision. I do not consider myself a transvestite, nor do I get a sick thrill from wearing ladies clothing. I just enjoy my comfort at a discount price. My problem is; I doubt my fiancé will feel the same way. Once we are married, I know she will discover my secret; but at that point she will be unable to back out of her commitment to me. However, if I share this information with her before we are married; I fear she will turn away from me. I will not enter a marriage that is based upon secrets and lies, but I am having difficulty reconciling my desire for comfort with my frugal upbringing.

Signed,
Shy...lock

Dear Shy...lock:

Your intentions towards your betrothed are admirable; your attitude towards money concerns me. I realize that men's silk boxer shorts can range from $25 - $50 a pair, which is ridiculously expensive for underwear, but still...it appears that Victoria isn't the only one with a secret! (Sorry, but I couldn't resist saying that!).

One way to reconcile your desire for comfort with your frugal upbringing would be to learn how to sew your own boxer shorts. Fabric.com offers a pattern for men's "KwikSew" boxer-shorts that can be used to make many a pair of underwear in whatever fabric you desire - including silk, which is actually one of the fabrics recommended. They are not too difficult to make; and if she is interested, you and Sarah can learn to sew together. Sewing can be a fun and useful skill, and can save you a bundle on all types of clothing - not just underwear.

In the meantime, would recommend that you either ditch the ladies undies or come clean with Sarah about your dressing habits; because you are correct that entering a marriage with secrets does not a strong foundation make.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. Chag Chanukkah sameach ve-shana tova!

Husband Prefers Cash - And A Second Job To Get It

Dear Tazi:

I am devastated; certain that my husband of five years is ready to leave me, and don’t know what to do or where to turn. When I was a teenager, I would cry out my problems to Butterball, my cat, but Butterball died years ago. A friend showed me your column; so here I am, writing to you.

This past fall “Zach” told me that he wanted to join an after-work fantasy football league with some friends, at a local pub-style restaurant. They would meet one night a week after work – a guy’s night out kind of thing, and then at someone’s house to watch the games on the weekends. I thought this was a great idea, since Zach works very hard and deserves some down time with his friends.

Zach is horrible when it comes to balancing the checkbook or paying the bills on time, so he gladly handed this responsibility over to me when we got married. Since both of our checks are direct deposited, neither of us actually cashes our paycheck. In order to avoid multiple ATM receipts that could easily get lost or go unrecorded, we each get a small amount of cash at the start of each pay period, and load our Dunkin’ Donuts pre-paid cards online at the same time; we also use pre-loaded gas cards to fill up our vehicles and pre-paid Wal-Mart cards for our store purchases. In this way, we have managed to save money by not carrying cash and avoid expensive overdrafts on our checking account. I have started to budget additional $50 cash for Zach each week, so he has enough spending money to cover his night out – dinner, a few beers, and a round of drinks for him and his buddies.

Now that football season has ended I expected Zach’s nights and weekends out would slow down until next year, but they have not. Zach continues to be out of the house one night a week and on weekends. I asked him how long the league would be continuing – figuring he would surely be done by the Super Bowl – and he told me that the league will continue year round; that a baseball fantasy league is starting. This sounded plausible, so I dropped the subject.

Last night, I went out to pick up a few items at the convenience store, and almost died of shock when I saw that Zach was the cashier! I marched up to the counter to pay for my things and Zach pre-empted my anger by telling me that he was on the clock and we could discuss things when he got home. As it turns out, Zach has not been going out with his friends a few times a week – he has been working part-time at the convenience store!

When I asked Zach why he would deceive me – first lying about his whereabouts and then taking the extra cash each week – he told me that “a man doesn’t feel like a man without money in his pocket”. Between what he makes at the store and the extra money from our budget, he is carrying around an extra $150 a week! How much money does he need to feel like a man? When I mentioned to Zach that we have budgeted enough money for him to carry around, he gave me a withering look and said, “I’m not a child; I shouldn’t have to ask for my allowance”.

Tazi, what does all this mean? I have never made Zach feel like a child! I only take care of the finances because he won’t, and I receive my share of personal money on the same schedule as him. I asked Zach if he is seeing another woman and spending the money on her, which he denied. I asked him if he was saving up to leave me, but he said no to that, too. I want to believe him, but I can’t. Why else would my husband do this to us, Tazi?

Signed,

Not Broke, Just Brokenhearted

Dear Not Broke, Just Brokenhearted:

Jerry Seinfeld once did a monologue about the difference between how men and women act at the store when paying for something by check. Seinfeld compared a woman with a checkbook to a cowboy and his gun – she will whip that thing out and put it to work without missing a beat. A man, on the other hand, will sheepishly pull out a check and tell the cashier that he doesn't have any real money on him, but if you take this piece of paper to the bank, those people will give the cashier money on his behalf. When you put it that way, it makes paying by check sound pretty lame. Seinfeld recorded that bit back in the early ‘90’s, before pre-paid cards were in existence  but it could be that Zach feels the same way about using a plastic card to pay for his $1.50 tab at the coffee shop.

The fact that Zach felt strongly enough about having cash in his pocket to take on a second job speaks strongly to the lack of communication in your marriage. Has Zach been spending the extra $150 a week that he has in his pocket, or is he saving it? If he is spending it, on what is it being spent? Does Zach have a gambling problem, drinking issue, or other expensive issue that he is keeping from you? If Zach is saving the money, for what reason? Is he planning a large, expensive purchase that would otherwise not fit into your budget?

Your husband’s response to you – that a man needs money in his pocket to feel like a man – tells me that he needs to be more involved in your bill paying and budgeting process. Just because you handle this responsibility does not mean that he should be excluded from it completely; doing so has made Zach feel like a child asking his Mommy for his weekly allowance. This is not healthy from any perspective.

My larger concern for your marriage is that your husband felt that he had to go behind your back in order to have money in his pocket. You may not realize it, but you could be exerting too much control over your joint finances. (Pre-paid cards for almost everything?). While your system may work for you, it is clearly not working for your husband. I suggest that – together – the two of you figure out how much money Zach needs each week for his expenses, and give him that money in cash, not on a pre-loaded plastic card. Stop giving him the extra $50 for going out, since he obviously is not, and if he wants to keep his second job for extra spending cash let that be his business. However, if he runs short of cash because he is spending more now that he is carrying more do not allow him to break your budget by giving him more money.

Many couples keep joint accounts for bill paying and savings, which is where they keep the bulk of their money, and separate, smaller individual accounts for their personal spending money and savings towards extravagant personal items. Perhaps the time has come for you and Zach to consider this idea for yourselves. This idea would require Zach to keep track of his own banking records, but then that might be just what he needs to feel more like a man.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

When Buried Secrets Are Unearthed, Disaster Ensures

Dear Tazi:

I am sick, sick, sick of my sanctimonious aunt telling me how to live my life! “Aunt Clarissa” is the youngest daughter of the eldest son, and I am the eldest daughter of the youngest son, so we are only separated in age by four years, but we are ages apart when it comes to seeing reality.

Clarissa grew up with all the privileges because her father had all the privileges of being the eldest child. He had his life settled when his parents passed away, and used his inheritance to start his own business; my father on the other hand was in college when my grandparents died and had to use the small inheritance he was left to pay his way through his last two years of school. These fortunes found their way to the next generation, with Clarissa going to exclusive private schools and having her college tuition paid for her (Ivy League, of course!) while I wet to public school and took out loans to pay the balance of my tuition that wasn’t covered by financial aid (at the state college).

My whole life I have had to deal with Clarissa telling me what to do and how to do it if I wanted to succeed in the “upper circle” in life. She would criticize my clothes, my hairstyle, my friends, my study habits – you name it! By the time I got to college I was used to her “guidance” and could tune her out whenever she tried to “advise” me on what courses to take. She didn’t even have the same major as me!

After graduating college, Clarissa went to work for her father’s company in a job tailor-made for her. She was given a huge salary and a corner office. When she decided to go out on her own, it was with her father’s blessing – and start-up funding! After a rough first year she managed to get her business on track and is quite successful, and I am happy for her. I really am; I am not so aggravated that I would wish failure upon her.

I graduated college two years ago, and am ready to leave the entry-level job I have been working but am having trouble finding the right job in this difficult economy. While I would love to eventually open my own firm, the time is just not right – I still owe around $20,000 in student loans and I need a new car. I would like to pay off my student debt, buy a car, and have some savings to cushion me before I take on a business loan and a new venture. I made the mistake of mentioning these goals to another (older) aunt at a recent family get-together when Clarissa swooped in with her advice.

In front of my whole family, Clarissa started to lecture me on how you need to seize the moment; that if you wait for the perfect time to start a new venture you will never begin it. She then used herself as an example of someone who “made the leap of faith into the world of entrepreneurship” and how it was the best decision she ever made. Tazi, I am embarrassed to say that I lost it on Clarissa. I told her that she was nothing more than a spoiled little rich girl who has always had everything handed to her; I pointed out that she graduated college debt-free, accepted an overpaid job with her father, and then took his money to start her own business, risk free. It was at this point an uncle spoke up, and things got even uglier.

“Uncle Joe” accused Clarissa’s father of taking advantage of their parents’ finances in order to “fleece them blind” before they died. Apparently he had borrowed quite heavily from them to purchase his first home, which he flipped for a whole lot more money; when Grandma and Grandpa died (in a car accident) nobody knew about the debt until several years later, long after the estate was settled and it was too late to seek reimbursement. Before too long, it became a free-for-all with everyone attacking Clarissa and her father – Clarissa for her attitude, her father for his dishonesty. I felt like a jerk for starting it all and quietly slipped out of the party and went home.

It has been three weeks since the blow-out, and Clarissa has not been seen in public. She has not shown for work and her business (an exclusive boutique) has not been monitored. Her salesgirls say that the books have not been balanced because the registers have not been cashed out and that sales are down because popular inventory cannot be replaced because suppliers have not been paid. Much of what she sells is hand-crafted by local artisans who sell on consignment! The salesgirls have actually had to take money from the registers to pay themselves; leaving slips in the drawer with the amounts they were owed!

I would like to call Clarissa and at least offer to get her store back in shape (I am an Accountant) but I am afraid of how she would react if she hears my voice. I have asked other family members to call, but they have said that what Clarissa does it her business, and that they are far too upset with her father to do anything about the situation. One uncle is talking about suing Clarissa’s father for repayment of the loan he took all those years ago, with interest and penalties. The whole situation is such an embarrassing mess for Clarissa that I can see why she doesn’t want to be seen in public; ours is a small town, and gossip travels fast. Should I call Clarissa? Walk into her store and take the reins until she is ready to return? What?

Signed,

Regretful Niece

Dear Regretful Niece:

I think the first thing you should do is call the police and ask them to do a welfare check on Clarissa. The fact that she has been incommunicado for the last three weeks – neglecting her business and her bills – screams for an intervention. With any luck, she had just been hiding and has not done anything to harm herself.

I think the second thing you should do is stop by her house and tell her that you are sorry that you blew up at her, that you had no idea things would explode so horribly all over her and her father, and to tell her that her business is in need of attention and that you will see to it until she is ready to face the world again. Seeing someone else take charge of her business may be what Clarissa needs to be jolted out of her shock and depression. If it is not, follow through and see that the registers are cashed out, the books balanced, the payroll completed, and the artisans paid. You may need to take some vacation time if you cannot complete all of this in your down time, but that is all a part of being a family – making the uncomfortable sacrifices in order to come together during hard times.

Try to understand Clarissa’s point of view: this princess has been knocked off of her throne. She has just discovered that her father is a thief who built his fortune on the rightful inheritance of others. Her entire life has been built upon that theft; everything she thought she knew about her father and herself has been tossed about like confetti into a strong wind. Until now, she has had the cushion of her father’s money to soften life’s blows; now, even that is poison to her. I know it will be difficult, but try to take the high road and find it in your heart to feel some kind of compassion for Clarissa; she is going to need it.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Man's Girlfriend Wants Marriage, But Maybe Not To Him

Dear Tazi:

I love my girlfriend of two years very much, and would like to ask her to marry me. "Vanna" is always talking to her girlfriends about how much she would like to get married "when everything is right", but has yet to say anything directly to me.

Vanna's  best friend is getting married this summer, and they have been attending wedding fairs for her for the past year. Vanna always comes home from these events with stars in her eyes and pamphlets that she adds to her "fantasy wedding folder", a file she has had since she was a teenager and is constantly adding to and updating. Everything from "First Dance Songs" (updated by the year) to "Dress Styles" (mostly traditional looks) is in the folder. It looks like she has her entire wedding planned and that all she needs is the groom! I would like to be that groom, Tazi!

With Valentine's Day coming up, I am ready to run out and buy Vanna a ring (she has several styles she likes filed in her folder, under "Possible Rings"), but I am afraid that everything is not "right" yet. Why else would she not hint about getting engaged? Can you think of a reason?

Signed,
Groom To Be?

Dear Groom To Be?:

I can think of several reasons why Vanna has not brought up the subject of marriage with you, ranging from the good to the bad to the downright ugly. It could be that Vanna is a very traditional woman, and believes that the man should be the one who brings up the topic of marriage and handles all the details of buying (and surprising) his lady with an engagement ring. If Vanna is not this type of woman, we are left with the bad and the ugly.

The bad could be that Vanna does not feel that the two of you are in a place to take that next step and make a lifelong commitment to each other. Be it financial instability, the desire to pay down debt, or simply a concern that you have not been together long enough to truly know each other.

Maybe Vanna would like to try living with you to see how your lives will mesh before making a legal commitment to spending her life with you. If none of these scenarios are the case, it leaves you to face the ugly.

The ugly truth of the matter might be that Vanna does want to get married - just not to you.

This does not necessarily mean that she wants to break up with you - she may need more time to decide if you are "the one", or she may see you not as Mr. Right but as Mr. Right Now. The only way you are going to get an answer as to where you stand - at the alter or at the check-in desk of Heartbreak Hotel - is to talk to Vanna.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Interracial Dating Is Still A Hot Topic For Many

Dear Tazi:

I am in an inter-racial relationship. I am a black woman dating a white man, and my family would [poop] Frisbees if they knew! My father grew up down in the deep South, and just because he now lives in a more progressive state does not mean he is any more progressive than when he lived in Alabama. He hates white people like the Lord hates the Devil. My girlfriends all support my decision to date "Neil" because they know how hard it can be to find a brother who doesn't have a record, a disease, or thirty children by eleven different baby mamas (Yeah, I read that story in the paper. Pathetic!). The black men who do work hard, are educated, and treat their women right are all dating white women, so I figure if one of their men is interested in me, I'm going to give him a shot. That shot was Neil, and he is a wonderful man.

My question for you, little cat, is how should I go about introducing Neil to my family? My Mama is okay about white people, she just doesn't trust them right away. My brother would probably laugh at how I have flipped the script, but Daddy is not going to take it well at all. Neil keeps asking me when he can meet my family, and I don't want him thinking I am not ready because I don't love him. I'm just not ready because I'm afraid Daddy's going to chase him out of the house with a shotgun.

Signed,
Mimosa

P.S. You recently asked what it meant to be the "ace boon kitty". It's a good thing, little cat. It means you are the original and the coolest and the friend that someone wanna ice cold chill with!

Dear Mimosa:

Wow! Thank you for letting me know what the "ace boon kitty" is! I appreciate it. I never know what teenage slang means, since there are no teenagers in my prowling territory. From the sound of your letter, your Daddy does not want any white guys prowling through your territory!

Living up North, I have never experienced the culture of the Deep South, but I have met people who have grown up there. While I stress that 99.9% of the people I have met have been absolute angels, there are a few who are still fighting the Civil War (or as they call it, the War of Northern Aggression). I get the impression that these are the type of white people that your Daddy grew up around, instilling a sense of hatred for anyone lighter than the color of a toasted marshmallow (mmmmm...toasted marshmallows!).

Since you are certain of your feelings for Neil, I would suggest that you introduce him first to your brother, then to your Mama - preferably on separate occasions. By handling things this way, you will be taking the stress off of Neil (it can be panic-inducing to meet someone's whole family all at once) and allow your family the chance to get to know him in a more relaxed setting. Once your family has gotten to know Neil, someone - or all of you, if you prefer - can have a sit-down talk with your father. Your Mama and your brother can explain to your father than Neil is wonderful man who treats you well and makes you happy and is everything a Daddy hopes for in the man who wins his daughter's heart. After that, you can break it to him that Neil is white.

I do not expect your father to take this news very well, so let him let off whatever steam he needs without trying to calm him down (so long as he does not turn violent). Once your father has calmed enough that he will hear you when you speak, tell him exactly what you told me: that you were looking for a good, responsible man with strong prospects for a successful future. Let him know that Neil's skin color is not something he can control; and that you fell in love with what is on the inside, not the outside wrapping. Remind your Daddy that if the situation were reversed and you were to meet Neil's parents, wouldn't he want them to be accepting of you? Then, hope your Daddy understands that your choice of partner means no disrespect to him, that the heart wants what the heart wants.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. I do hope that you do not have to make the difficult choice between Neil and your Daddy. I have seen this happen to the people that I love. Let's just say that there were no winners; only losers.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Ruined Sofa Tearing at Woman's Conscience

Dear Tazi:

I have an issue of a rather sensitive nature, and I am hoping you can give me some advice. While my mother-in-law is wintering in Florida, my husband and I are unofficially house-sitting. The truth is, we got evicted from our apartment after the landlord got foreclosed on, and are staying at her place until we find a new apartment. She is not aware of this fact, although the neighbors think that she is.

My husband and I both could benefit from anger management counseling, but we do not have the money for it at this point in time. We are both stressed over our living situation, and things came to a head on New Year's Eve. He did not want to go out, so I got dressed up to go out with my girlfriends. We argued, and one thing led to another and push came to shove - literally. I turned my back on my husband to walk away and he shoved me. My shoe caught on an area rug, and I went flying forward towards the hearth. What slowed me down was the heel of my stiletto catching on my mother-in-law's sofa; otherwise, I would have slammed head-first into the hearth. I suffered bumps, bruises, and a badly broken ankle; the sofa - which was hand-upholstered in hand-woven Chinese silk - suffered a six foot tear right across the front.

I got an appraisal on the cost of repairing the damage, and the entire sofa would have to be reupholstered. It would cost approximately $16,000 (for the cost of materials, and the intricate pin-tucking pattern) . On the night of the accident, my husband took me to the hospital, and the police were called because the emergency room doctor did not believe that I had "tripped". I am not sure if we were able to convince the police, but no charges were filed. However, the problem with my mother-in-law's sofa remains.

We have not yet said anything, but I would like to tell my mother-in-law the truth: that her son and I have been living in her mansion; that we were arguing and things got out of control; and that the damage to her sofa is minimal in comparison to the fact that I could have been killed if I hit my head on the hearth. My mother-in-law could then decide how to handle the financial issues at hand. I know my mother-in-law well enough to know that she would be angry, but understanding. My husband feels this paints him as the "bad guy" and as "an abuser". He wants to tell his mother that we stopped in to check on her house before going out for the evening, and that I tripped and fell and damaged the sofa; which is the story that we told the police. This way, her homeowner's insurance will cover not only the damage to the sofa; but my medical bills and pain and suffering, as well. He feels the profit "we" make off of my injuries could go towards moving expenses and a new apartment.

Tazi, I feel like we have done enough damage as it is; and that lying to my mother-in-law will only complicate the situation. What do you suggest?

Signed,
Home-Wrecker

Dear Home-Wrecker:

I am counting the crimes you and your husband have committed: illegal entry, illegal occupation of your mother-in-law's home, domestic assault, battery, property damage, interfering with a police investigation...did I miss anything? Although I wholeheartedly agree that property damage is infinitely better than manslaughter (the charge your husband would be facing if you had died) I also think it is time for the lies to stop.

I have tried to recreate the scenario you describe, and consulted a Physics professor to figure just how fast you would have had to be traveling to hit the hearth with enough force to split your skull. Without information such as point to point distance and force exerted by the hearth, it is impossible to accurately figure; but the fact that your foot dragged for six feet along the sofa tells me you were moving at a pretty good clip. Just how hard did your husband shove you? If both the ER doctor and the police had a hard time swallowing your story, you can bet that a homeowner's insurance adjuster is going to give you an even harder time - and may actually insist on mathematically figuring the velocity at which you were travelling to cause such damage. Further lies will cause your story to unravel.

You ask my advice, so here it is: Get anger management counseling, before your tempers cost you more than the replacement cost of an expensive sofa. And tell your mother-in-law the unvarnished truth. Her homeowner's insurance might not cover the damage if they know that you two were living there without her permission, so she might want to grant that to you post-factum; unless she wishes to cover the expense of fixing the sofa out-of-pocket or if this constitutes insurance fraud. I dislike the idea of lying - even to an insurance company to which your mother-in-law pays premiums - but if she does not than the insurance company might be able come after you and your husband for the money, which may put you in greater physical danger from his continued temper. I consider the fib the lesser of two evils.

In the meantime, perhaps it is best if you and your husband seek separate residences.

Snuggles,
Tazi



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Financial Controller Is Trying to Control Too Many Variables At Once

Dear Tazi-Kat:

I am a Controller with a very large firm, and I have been put in a very difficult position. I need some advice fast, so I ask that you please put my letter at the head of your advice queue. My company is running out of money - fast - due to the fact that our receivables are not being paid by our clients. We have cut our staff to the bone, and yet I can see that further cuts will be needed to stay afloat, regardless of what the company is telling the employees. Knowing this, I have been quietly interviewing with other companies.

The other day, the Vice-President of Finance called me into his office with some grave news and a difficult proposition: The company is on the verge of bankruptcy and running out of liquid assets with which to meet payroll. With the upcoming holidays, we are hoping that our clients will now have the extra money to pay their accounts current, but there are no guarantees. Because I have been with the company for so long (I started out as an Intern my senior year of college), the V.P. gave me a choice: I could accept a layoff now - with no company severance, just my unemployment benefits - or I could continue to work for no pay, with the hope that the company will right itself in about six months, at which time I will be "rewarded" for my "loyalty". Again, there are no guarantees; and the company could just as easily be out of business by that time.

I have checked my options, and I could collect unemployment so long as I was not on the company payroll (i.e. volunteering) and actively looking for another job - but if another job was offered that paid at least what I am making now, I would have to accept it or risk losing my benefits. I have asked for and been granted time to think about it; I must give my answer the Monday after Thanksgiving.

I was prepared to accept my company's offer, figuring I have nothing to lose, when another job offer came through. The problem is that the position pays much less than I expected it would and several thousand dollars less than I am currently making. I have tried negotiating for more money, but they will not budge - it is a hiring manager's market right now. I have done the math, and even with the minimum annual raise of 3% as a cost-of-living adjustment (COLA), it would take me almost 10 years just to work my way back up to my current salary.

My wife and children have become accustomed to a certain lifestyle, and I would feel awful telling them that we would have to make some serious changes to it if I accept this job offer. On the other hand, if I don't take it I may find myself unemployed for an unknown stretch of time in the very near future, which would mean even more drastic changes to our way of living. I worked my way up from nothing, Tazi-Kat, so I a can adjust; but I am not certain that my wife and kids will. If it was just me, I would know what to do; but I have my family to consider. Should I go with the bird in hand, or hope to catch the two in the bush?

Signed,
Losing Control

Dear Losing Control:

It appears to me that you have three options:

1) Stay where you are and hope that the sinking ship rights itself

2) Accept the job offer that pays less but offers some form of long-term financial security (i.e. a paying job)

3) Refuse both, accept unemployment, and continue to seek employment elsewhere.

I suggest that you not consider the "wants" of your family, just their needs. How much money does it cost to pay your rent/mortgage, education costs, food, adequate clothing (not a closet full of top designer wear), utilities, etc. Does the job you are currently being offered pay enough to cover these expenses, with at least 10% left over for emergencies? If the answer is yes, I would advise that you take the job; even if it is a just-for-now situation and you continue to look for higher pay elsewhere. Just be forewarned: just as housing prices have dropped and will most likely not return to their former levels, many companies have had to do the same with employee wages.

If the job offered does not cover your monthly expenses, things get a little trickier. Before making a decision, you need honest answers to the following questions: How long could your family live off of unemployment benefits? Do you have health coverage through a source other than your current employer? Would you lose that coverage if you accepted your current employer's offer to work for no pay? How solid is the company's thinking that the financial outlook will be improved enough to put you back on the payroll in six months? And most importantly, if you agreed to your current employer's offer, would you be allowed to schedule and attend job interviews during the work day?

It is inadvisable that you put all of your eggs in your current company's basket, so should you decide not to accept the job offer on the table, I would suggest a negotiation with your current company that would allow you to keep your health insurance as "severance" and to continue your job search in return for your "volunteer" efforts. I would also suggest complete financial transparency with your wife about the situation at hand, before you have to write to me about the problems keeping secrets has caused.

-- Tazi-Kat