Husband Prefers Cash - And A Second Job To Get It

Dear Tazi:

I am devastated; certain that my husband of five years is ready to leave me, and don’t know what to do or where to turn. When I was a teenager, I would cry out my problems to Butterball, my cat, but Butterball died years ago. A friend showed me your column; so here I am, writing to you.

This past fall “Zach” told me that he wanted to join an after-work fantasy football league with some friends, at a local pub-style restaurant. They would meet one night a week after work – a guy’s night out kind of thing, and then at someone’s house to watch the games on the weekends. I thought this was a great idea, since Zach works very hard and deserves some down time with his friends.

Zach is horrible when it comes to balancing the checkbook or paying the bills on time, so he gladly handed this responsibility over to me when we got married. Since both of our checks are direct deposited, neither of us actually cashes our paycheck. In order to avoid multiple ATM receipts that could easily get lost or go unrecorded, we each get a small amount of cash at the start of each pay period, and load our Dunkin’ Donuts pre-paid cards online at the same time; we also use pre-loaded gas cards to fill up our vehicles and pre-paid Wal-Mart cards for our store purchases. In this way, we have managed to save money by not carrying cash and avoid expensive overdrafts on our checking account. I have started to budget additional $50 cash for Zach each week, so he has enough spending money to cover his night out – dinner, a few beers, and a round of drinks for him and his buddies.

Now that football season has ended I expected Zach’s nights and weekends out would slow down until next year, but they have not. Zach continues to be out of the house one night a week and on weekends. I asked him how long the league would be continuing – figuring he would surely be done by the Super Bowl – and he told me that the league will continue year round; that a baseball fantasy league is starting. This sounded plausible, so I dropped the subject.

Last night, I went out to pick up a few items at the convenience store, and almost died of shock when I saw that Zach was the cashier! I marched up to the counter to pay for my things and Zach pre-empted my anger by telling me that he was on the clock and we could discuss things when he got home. As it turns out, Zach has not been going out with his friends a few times a week – he has been working part-time at the convenience store!

When I asked Zach why he would deceive me – first lying about his whereabouts and then taking the extra cash each week – he told me that “a man doesn’t feel like a man without money in his pocket”. Between what he makes at the store and the extra money from our budget, he is carrying around an extra $150 a week! How much money does he need to feel like a man? When I mentioned to Zach that we have budgeted enough money for him to carry around, he gave me a withering look and said, “I’m not a child; I shouldn’t have to ask for my allowance”.

Tazi, what does all this mean? I have never made Zach feel like a child! I only take care of the finances because he won’t, and I receive my share of personal money on the same schedule as him. I asked Zach if he is seeing another woman and spending the money on her, which he denied. I asked him if he was saving up to leave me, but he said no to that, too. I want to believe him, but I can’t. Why else would my husband do this to us, Tazi?

Signed,

Not Broke, Just Brokenhearted

Dear Not Broke, Just Brokenhearted:

Jerry Seinfeld once did a monologue about the difference between how men and women act at the store when paying for something by check. Seinfeld compared a woman with a checkbook to a cowboy and his gun – she will whip that thing out and put it to work without missing a beat. A man, on the other hand, will sheepishly pull out a check and tell the cashier that he doesn't have any real money on him, but if you take this piece of paper to the bank, those people will give the cashier money on his behalf. When you put it that way, it makes paying by check sound pretty lame. Seinfeld recorded that bit back in the early ‘90’s, before pre-paid cards were in existence  but it could be that Zach feels the same way about using a plastic card to pay for his $1.50 tab at the coffee shop.

The fact that Zach felt strongly enough about having cash in his pocket to take on a second job speaks strongly to the lack of communication in your marriage. Has Zach been spending the extra $150 a week that he has in his pocket, or is he saving it? If he is spending it, on what is it being spent? Does Zach have a gambling problem, drinking issue, or other expensive issue that he is keeping from you? If Zach is saving the money, for what reason? Is he planning a large, expensive purchase that would otherwise not fit into your budget?

Your husband’s response to you – that a man needs money in his pocket to feel like a man – tells me that he needs to be more involved in your bill paying and budgeting process. Just because you handle this responsibility does not mean that he should be excluded from it completely; doing so has made Zach feel like a child asking his Mommy for his weekly allowance. This is not healthy from any perspective.

My larger concern for your marriage is that your husband felt that he had to go behind your back in order to have money in his pocket. You may not realize it, but you could be exerting too much control over your joint finances. (Pre-paid cards for almost everything?). While your system may work for you, it is clearly not working for your husband. I suggest that – together – the two of you figure out how much money Zach needs each week for his expenses, and give him that money in cash, not on a pre-loaded plastic card. Stop giving him the extra $50 for going out, since he obviously is not, and if he wants to keep his second job for extra spending cash let that be his business. However, if he runs short of cash because he is spending more now that he is carrying more do not allow him to break your budget by giving him more money.

Many couples keep joint accounts for bill paying and savings, which is where they keep the bulk of their money, and separate, smaller individual accounts for their personal spending money and savings towards extravagant personal items. Perhaps the time has come for you and Zach to consider this idea for yourselves. This idea would require Zach to keep track of his own banking records, but then that might be just what he needs to feel more like a man.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Husband Seeks Control Over His Paycheck, Wife Wonders Why

Dear Tazi:

I have a problem that I am NOT comfortable talking about with anyone! I am what you'd call a "man's man", the kind of guy who others see as macho and tough, the kind of man who wears the pants at home and is a leader at work, the kind of guy who doesn't take nuthin' from nobody. While this is true for the most part, it is not completely true. My wife handles our finances and has me on a weekly "allowance" of spending money.

"Florence" likes to budget every dime, and she is an excellent bookkeeper and a wonderful wife, so I am not complaining about that...it's just that sometimes I feel like a man at work and a little kid at home. The guys all think I am kind of a big deal because I always pay cash money for everything - but the truth is that you will never see me charge anything to a debit card because I don't carry one; Florence won't let me. I am given $50/week spending money to spend on whatever I want - beer, coffee, magazines, whatever...gas money for my truck does not come out of this; this money is just for me. It is plenty - I am not complaining about the amount, just that I feel like a child when my wife gives me my "allowance" each payday.

I work hard and would like to maintain some semblance of dignity and I think keeping the money I earn - and not calling it my allowance - would make a difference. Rather than handing over my check to my wife, I would like to go to the bank and cash it, grab my spending money out of that, and then deposit the remained and give my wife the receipt to balance the books. When I brought up this matter to Florence she just gave me a funny look and told me I was making a big deal out of nothing, but I don't feel that this is nothing. I don't even want to think of the ribbing I would take from the guys if they heard about my "allowance". Should I just let it go? Or am I being controlled by my wife?

Signed,
Macho (Or Not So?) Man

Dear Macho (Or Not So?) Man:

I can completely understand why you feel emasculated by your wife's insistence that you bring her your weekly paycheck, un-cashed, for her to deposit and in return receive "allowance money". You are not a twelve year old with a paper route; you are an adult man and should be respected as one. Could the two of you at least agree to call your weekly allotment your "spending money" or "fun money" or even "walking around money"? Choose a term that works for you, and ask Florence to use it.

Your wife's desire to receive your check and cash it herself makes me wonder if there is another side to the story that you are not telling me. Do you have a history of hiding money from her? Spending your check at the bar or the casino before it makes its way home? Is your wife a homemaker who has the time to go to the bank during the day thus saving you the trip on the way home from work? Or is she just an absolute control freak?

Or is she from Japan, where this practice is quite common?

If your company offers direct deposit, this may be an option for you; this way, neither you or Florence would have the responsibility of depositing your weekly paycheck. Instead, it is directly deposited into the account - or accounts - of your choosing. If you would like to start carrying a debit card (which can be great for emergencies, but requires an extra book to balance) you could set up a "spending money account"; each week, your $50 could be direct deposited into this account with the balance deposited into your household account. Florence could have a spending account of her own, too, if that is what you wish. This way, you will be able to withdraw your own spending money each week; bank that which you do not spend for a "treat" purchase, like tickets to a sporting event or a new TV; and in the end feel like you have control over your own personal finances. So long as you are willing to balance your own personal spending money account, I do not see why your wife would object to your having it.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Tazi's Corner #37 - For The Love Of Big Words

Dear Readers,

I like big words, and I cannot lie…okay, I can’t rap to save my life so I will end my parody of Sir Mix-a-Lot’s “Baby Got Back” right there! However, the truth remains that I love big words; I think they add spice to a message. I am a sesquipedalianist and I think it hysterical that "abbreviated" is eleven letters long. 

Once upon a time “50-cent words”, as English teachers tend to call them, were used as a sign that someone was highly educated – or at least erudite, so as to hide the fact that the speaker lacked a formal education. Using large words was a way to impress people, to make them think twice before trying to cheat you. Unfortunately, as with all good things, the use of big words has been abused over the years and has led to their use to appear more like parody than serious business. How many of us have received an office memo laden with the use of polysyllabic words that could have just as easily been written without a bouquet of flowery language? In fact, cutting out the attempts at sophistication would result in an easier to understand message. In the end, isn’t that the purpose of communication – to get your point across to someone in a way that is easily understood?

Sadly, in the downward spiral that education has taken overthe last several years, the use of the dictionary has also waned; simple definitions that were once commonly known are now foreign to many, hindering proper communication. This begs the question, who is responsible for rectifying the situation, the Communicator or the Recipient? Since starting Ask Tazi! I have been party to both sides of essaying – as a reader and as a Writer/Editor. I have learned much from my readers, but I am still unable to answer this one nagging question: If an Essayist writes an article using a word or concept that a reader does not understand, does that make the essay less worthy of attention or the dictionary more worthy of it? In order to combat ignorance, is it the author’s obligation to define the concept or the reader’s obligation to learn? How much are people be expected to know? How much should they be expected to know?

Obviously, every article has an audience, so let me rephrase my last question: How much should general audiences be expected to know, and how much should an essayist need to define for them? Some words, like pusillanimous, tend to sound like their meaning (as one man so genteelly defined this word, it means “not a real man”).

What did you just call me?

On the other end of the spectrum are words like “phlegmatic”, which sounds like a coughing fit but actually means “calm, not easily excited”. Why not just use the word “calm”? I, for one, never want anyone to tell me that I am looking particularly phlegmatic today!

While one should not be expected to remember all their SAT words [Ed. Note: I remember pusillanimous, but I had to look up phlegmatic] there should be a certain standard to which the average person must strive to reach! Yes, I said must, lest communication devolve into a series of grunts and hand gestures reminiscent of your ancestral past as cave-people. Yes, I said “your”, not “our”. I am a cat, and we cats have an advanced method of communication involving tail-twitching, purring, hissing, and of course our famous facial expressions:

I'm grumpy and I know it...and now you know, too!

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Tazi's Corner Issue #11: Tips For Better Communication

Dear Readers:

This week I was so mad with my Mommie I almost hissed at her! (Almost; I recognize the hand that feeds me).



Why was I so angry? Did she forget to fill one of my feeding stations? Change my water? Forget to wash my blanket? Clean my litter box? NO! It was (*shudder*) ALL OF THE ABOVE! Granted, I still had three other bowls full of cat cereal; I prefer day-old water (it’s distilled at that point); it’s summer and I don’t use a blanket; and I have a spare litter-box, just in case…but STILL! I felt so ignored!

My first instinct was to ignore Mommie right back when I remembered that she recently went back to that place she calls “school” and has been taking some classes with strange sounding names like “Botany” and “Genetics” and one called “Spanish” because she says she decided it was time to learn it. Thinking on this, I realized that I was acting like a cat should – self-centered and smug. I also realized that many of the letters I receive stem from an inability to view things from someone else’s perspective. I offer as an example the following scenario:

Husband and wife have a much anticipated date for Friday night after work; husband is not home on time, nor has he called to say he will be late. Wife is steaming mad, and when husband finally arrives – two hours late – wife’s response is:

A) Where the [heck] have you been? We’re going to miss our dinner reservation! Did you stop off at the bar with the guys after work?

B) Is everything okay? I was concerned when I didn’t hear from you; you are usually right on time for important occasions!

Realistically speaking, wife’s response will most likely be (A) which puts her husband on the defensive. Maybe he did stop at the bar (which hints at deeper problems than communication), but maybe he forgot his cell phone at the office and got stuck in stand-still traffic; with no way to call his wife – and knowing that she will be angry with him for not calling – his stress levels rise and remain high. Finally reaching home after sitting in nightmare traffic all he wants is the chance to explain to his wife why he is late, and perhaps receive some sympathy for his plight; instead is greeted with an attitude which he returns in kind. The evening is ruined before it even had the chance to begin.

How might this scenario be altered to offer a happy ending? Through the use of “I Language” as opposed to “You Language”, that’s how! If you glance back at the two response choices above, you will notice that Response A focuses solely on the actions of the other person; while Response B focuses first on the emotional reaction of self, then on questioning and complimenting the other person. Response A uses “You Language”, the more common pattern of communication among humans; Response B uses “I Language”, which I will now discuss in further detail.

“I Language” is a way of communicating the same message in a manner that does not lead to a stress response in others. Shifting into “I Language” can be a difficult adjustment because it forces us to focus not only on our emotions, but our reasons for having them. Why do we feel so strongly about a particular subject? “I just do” is not a satisfactory answer. If you are going to be upset with someone over something they did or did not do, you owe it to them to explain why you are upset with them; otherwise you are treating them as subordinate to you, marginalizing their personage through the exercise of your temper. You should not speak to your spouse in the same manner that you speak to your children!

In some cases, such as a parent-child relationship, one person is subordinate to the other. This does not mean that “I Language” is inappropriate, ineffectual, and equalizing; rather, “I Language” can be a wonderful tool in socializing children when used at an age-appropriate level. A five year old is capable of experiencing complex emotions, but not capable of understanding why they are feeling the way they feel. By setting the example through the use of “I Language” the child will grow to learn its purpose and place. Should we refuse to understand our own motives for emotional response, we pass that ignorance on to the next generation.

“I Language” does not mean you must stand there and reason with people; it means you must think before you speak so as to communicate more effectively. Nobody likes to feel like they are being attacked, but that is exactly what is happening – intentionally or unintentionally – when we lay out our stress reactions on someone else. The result is a build-up of defenses and a shut-down of listening skills. By shifting our burden of stress onto another person – through yelling; nasty comments; and worst of all, nagging, we build an emotional wall between us and the person we with whom we seek understanding and cooperation.

For example, getting angry with a teenager because they did not clean their room is not going to result in a positive response; rather, the room will stay messy (teenage rebellion at its most passive-aggressive) or the teen will clean their room but focus their resentment of the chore on the one making them do it – the parent. This is no way to build a trust relationship between parent and child – crucial during the teenage years. Which response do you think would be more effective?

A) How many times do I have to tell you to clean up this den of iniquity you call a room?* If it is not cleaned to my satisfaction by the end of the day you can forget about going out with your friends this weekend! (*Much thanks to the late LCS for this amazing turn of phrase!).

B) I was hoping to find your room cleaned up by now. I work hard to keep the house looking nice and when I look at this mess I feel as though you don’t respect my efforts. Do you realize that?

Rather than rant, explain your anger. Children may fear anger, but they know it quickly passes; disappointment on the other hand stings a lot worse, and is felt a lot longer. By explaining why their messy room upsets you, you are forced to examine your own feelings and pinpoint why you feel so strongly about this subject – or whatever subject it is that comes between you and your progeny – and relieve your stress in a healthy manner. By asking them a direct question, you provide an opening to converse about the issue in a rational manner. These are two of the many benefits of “I Language”. In a case such as this, the response might not be immediate but you will at least find out why your child prefers to live in squalor.

In general, “I Language” not only helps you to communicate better with others; it also helps you better understand your own motives. When you know yourself better others can get to know you better, too. Once people know what sets you off; puts you in a mood; or otherwise disturbs your inner peace they can make an effort to avoid those triggers – while you make an effort to learn and avoid setting off their triggers.

To start you on your journey to better communication, here are 5 Tips on Learning to Use “I Language””

1. When something is bothering you, ask yourself, “Why is this bothering me?” If you feel disrespected, ask why you feel disrespected. Get to the root of the emotion.

2. Find the true target of your feelings and direct your response towards that person/thing. Do not take your bad mood out on someone else; instead, warn people that you are edgy and having a bad day. Some may wish to help you; others may wish to avoid you.

3. Before you speak, ask yourself, “Is my target trying to annoy/anger/hurt me?” If the slight is unintentional, temper your voice accordingly. If you are uncertain, ask them. Nobody likes to be yelled at over a mistake; remember that people do not always realize the effect their actions have on another.

4. When speaking, start by expressing how you are feeling (angry/stressed/hurt/betrayed) before mentioning the offending behavior, keeping the accusatory phrase “you make me” out of the sentence (try “I get angry when…” not “You make me angry when…”). Nobody can make you lose your temper; your emotional response is yours alone to control.

5. Put yourself in the other person’s place and ask yourself what circumstances beyond their control may have affected their actions; give them the chance to explain their side of things before showing annoyance or anger.

An easy way to start using “I Language” is to use it to express positive emotions. Phrases like “I like it when_______” or “It makes me happy when _______”. From there, you can ease into using it to express your less than positive feelings. I will end with this example:

Mommie, I like it when I have a fresh clean litter-box, several full bowls of cat cereal, and a clean comfortable blanket! It shows me how much you love me – not that you love me any less since school has started...right?

Snuggles to all,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.