Dear Tazi:
I am devastated; certain that my husband of five years is
ready to leave me, and don’t know what to do or where to turn. When I was a
teenager, I would cry out my problems to Butterball, my cat, but Butterball
died years ago. A friend showed me your column; so here I am, writing to you.
This past fall “Zach” told me that he wanted to join an
after-work fantasy football league with some friends, at a local pub-style
restaurant. They would meet one night a week after work – a guy’s night out
kind of thing, and then at someone’s house to watch the games on the weekends.
I thought this was a great idea, since Zach works very hard and deserves some
down time with his friends.
Zach is horrible when it comes to balancing the checkbook or
paying the bills on time, so he gladly handed this responsibility over to me when we got married.
Since both of our checks are direct deposited, neither of us actually cashes
our paycheck. In order to avoid multiple ATM receipts that could easily get lost
or go unrecorded, we each get a small amount of cash at the start of each pay
period, and load our Dunkin’ Donuts pre-paid cards online at the same time; we
also use pre-loaded gas cards to fill up our vehicles and pre-paid Wal-Mart
cards for our store purchases. In this way, we have managed to save money by
not carrying cash and avoid expensive overdrafts on our checking account. I have
started to budget additional $50 cash for Zach each week, so he has enough
spending money to cover his night out – dinner, a few beers, and a round of
drinks for him and his buddies.
Now that football season has ended I expected Zach’s nights
and weekends out would slow down until next year, but they have not. Zach
continues to be out of the house one night a week and on weekends. I asked him
how long the league would be continuing – figuring he would surely be done by
the Super Bowl – and he told me that the league will continue year round; that
a baseball fantasy league is starting. This sounded plausible, so I dropped the
subject.
Last night, I went out to pick up a few items at the
convenience store, and almost died of shock when I saw that Zach was the
cashier! I marched up to the counter to pay for my things and Zach pre-empted
my anger by telling me that he was on the clock and we could discuss things
when he got home. As it turns out, Zach has not been going out with his friends
a few times a week – he has been working part-time at the convenience store!
When I asked Zach why he would deceive me – first lying
about his whereabouts and then taking the extra cash each week – he told me
that “a man doesn’t feel like a man without money in his pocket”. Between what
he makes at the store and the extra money from our budget, he is carrying
around an extra $150 a week! How much money does he need to feel like a man?
When I mentioned to Zach that we have budgeted enough money for him to carry
around, he gave me a withering look and said, “I’m not a child; I shouldn’t
have to ask for my allowance”.
Tazi, what does all this mean? I have never made Zach feel
like a child! I only take care of the finances because he won’t, and I receive
my share of personal money on the same schedule as him. I asked Zach if he is
seeing another woman and spending the money on her, which he denied. I asked
him if he was saving up to leave me, but he said no to that, too. I want to
believe him, but I can’t. Why else would my husband do this to us, Tazi?
Signed,
Not Broke, Just Brokenhearted
Dear Not Broke, Just Brokenhearted:
Jerry Seinfeld once did a monologue about the difference between
how men and women act at the store when paying for something by check. Seinfeld
compared a woman with a checkbook to a cowboy and his gun – she will whip that
thing out and put it to work without missing a beat. A man, on the other hand,
will sheepishly pull out a check and tell the cashier that he doesn't have any real
money on him, but if you take this piece of paper to the bank, those people
will give the cashier money on his behalf. When you put it that way, it makes
paying by check sound pretty lame. Seinfeld recorded that bit back in the early
‘90’s, before pre-paid cards were in existence but it could be that Zach feels
the same way about using a plastic card to pay for his $1.50 tab at the coffee
shop.
The fact that Zach felt strongly enough about having cash in
his pocket to take on a second job speaks strongly to the lack of communication
in your marriage. Has Zach been spending the extra $150 a week that he has in
his pocket, or is he saving it? If he is spending it, on what is it being
spent? Does Zach have a gambling problem, drinking issue, or other expensive issue that he is
keeping from you? If Zach is saving the money, for what reason? Is he planning
a large, expensive purchase that would otherwise not fit into your budget?
Your husband’s response to you – that a man needs money in
his pocket to feel like a man – tells me that he needs to be more involved in
your bill paying and budgeting process. Just because you handle this
responsibility does not mean that he should be excluded from it completely; doing
so has made Zach feel like a child asking his Mommy for his weekly allowance.
This is not healthy from any perspective.
My larger concern for
your marriage is that your husband felt that he had to go behind your back in
order to have money in his pocket. You may not realize it, but you could be
exerting too much control over your joint finances. (Pre-paid cards for almost
everything?). While your system may work for you, it is clearly not working for
your husband. I suggest that – together – the two of you figure out how much
money Zach needs each week for his expenses, and give him that money in cash,
not on a pre-loaded plastic card. Stop giving him the extra $50 for going out,
since he obviously is not, and if he wants to keep his second job for extra
spending cash let that be his business. However, if he runs short of cash
because he is spending more now that he is carrying more do not allow him to
break your budget by giving him more money.
Many couples keep joint accounts for bill paying and savings,
which is where they keep the bulk of their money, and separate, smaller individual
accounts for their personal spending money and savings towards extravagant personal
items. Perhaps the time has come for you and Zach to consider this idea for
yourselves. This idea would require Zach to keep track of his own banking
records, but then that might be just what he needs to feel more like a man.
Snuggles,
Tazi
Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.
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