Twentysomething Virgin Wants A Good Man, Is Willing To Wait

Dear Tazi:

Am I weird? Is there something wrong with me? I am in my mid-twenties and still a virgin, not because of any particular religious beliefs but because I have never had a serious relationship and I respect myself way too much to have a one night stand. I do think that sex should be something special between two people, and I don’t have a timeline for when it should happen, but I would like my first time – and ideally every other time – to be with someone who is special to me; someone who cares about me and isn’t just looking for a hook up.

I have always put my education first, and now that I have finished both my undergraduate and graduate degrees (with honors) I find myself traveling frequently for work, which makes it difficult to meet someone for a relationship. I have tried online dating, but it seems like every guy I meet is only interested in one thing – a regular hook up first while waiting to see where things might end up. At least these guys were honest and up front with me from the start, so they never made it past the first few dates. Some guys even pushed for sex sooner than that, like on the first date or even while we were still just emailing each other!

I have been seeing “Dennis” for about a month now, and he has been quite patient with me in spite of his constant hints and occasional pushy behavior. I am not ready for a physical relationship with him, but I want to somehow let him know that it is not him, it’s me – without sounding like a cheap line people use to let someone down easy. I would like to tell Dennis that I have never had sex before, but I am not sure how he will take it. I don’t want to scare him away, but I also don’t want him to see me as some kind of trophy. I especially don’t want him to think this means I want a serious, committed relationship with him for “X” amount of time until I am ready because I am not even sure that is what I want with him, and I don’t want to lead him on. Should I even tell him about my “status” or keep it to myself? I am really confused about this, and need some good advice!

Signed,

Wondering In New Orleans

Dear Wondering In New Orleans:

You are a smart lady to think of your future first; some of the most successful women in America today have done just what you are doing – putting education and career first, boys second. Your views on sex are your own and I do not think them weird, nor do I think there is anything wrong with you; you are well-balanced between strict, traditional/religious beliefs and more modern/extremely liberal views on the subject. I think that when you meet the right person, you will be ready and that you should not rush into something because someone has pressured you for sex or promised a commitment that you don’t even want in return for it.

As for how you should deal with Dennis…having lost my nads at a very young age I have to hit up my guy pals for their opinions, and they have informed me that there are three different types of reactions you can expect from a guy when you tell him you are a virgin:

The first – and preferable reaction – is the good man’s reaction. He will tell you that he understands, and is willing to wait for you. He will ask you to be patient with him – that if he pushes you it is because he is so attracted to you, and not to take it personally; just tell him that you are not ready and he will continue to wait until you are…and if you feel that point will never come, to please be honest with him about your feelings.

The second reaction is the “runner”. Some men don’t know how to handle this kind of news and freak out, never to be heard from again. While it can be hurtful and embarrassing be glad that he left; someone with so little emotional maturity would not make a very good romantic partner, so count your lucky stars and move on.

The third – and worst reaction – is the guy who responds as if bedding you is some kind of challenge, your virginity a trophy in praise of his manhood. This is the guy who will say he will be patient and understanding but immediately starts formulating his plans to seduce you. If you find he is suddenly plying you with over the top romantic gestures and copious amounts of alcohol, be on the alert; this man is trying to scam you!

It can be difficult to figure how a man will react to this news, especially if you have only recently started dating, so my buddies offered a few suggestions, ranging from not saying anything at all until you are certain where the relationship is going to texting him the information, to having a conversation about the matter over coffee. I suggest you choose the path that you are most comfortable with, prepare yourself for the worst and then hope for the best.

Always remember that it can take time to find the right person – you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince – and that giving yourself away may result in more dates but that doesn’t mean that any of them will be with the kind of man you can see yourself with long-term. Quality over quantity is what I always say!

Snuggles,

Tazi

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