Dear Tazi:
I was adopted as a baby, and with my family’s encouragement
I decided to look for my birth parents now that I am an adult, getting married,
and planning on starting a family of my own. There are questions I need
answered, and the only way to get them was to look for my birth family. Well, I
found them, and they were overjoyed to meet me. There is just one problem – my
parentage is of mixed race, and my adoptive family is terribly racist, so I
have not told them that I have found and met with my birth parents.
My birth mother is very light-skinned, and probably at least
half-white considering her features (which I have quite obviously inherited), but
is still black just the same; my birth-father is quite obviously black. They
were just teenagers when I was born and decided to put me up for adoption so I
would have a better life than they could offer me. Meeting them – and knowing
that I am black and not olive-skinned – has set me on ear. Although I do not
consider myself to be racist (I do have black friends, and they don’t seem to
think I am a racist) I have grown up my whole life hearing how black people are
lazy, poor, and the kind who take no responsibility for their actions. After
leaving my birth parents home, all I could hear was my adoptive father’s words
ringing in my ears about how [black people] go and have kids without any ways
to support them and expect the state to care for their “mistakes”. I felt sick
to my stomach thinking that, in my adoptive father’s eyes, I am a “mistake”.
I want desperately for my birth family to be a part of my
life and to introduce them to my adoptive family, but I can’t see how that
would ever happen. I want to invite my birth parents – and my birth brothers
and sister – to my wedding next year, but how do I do that? My adoptive family
will find out that I am actually black and completely reject me, I just know
it. I don’t want to deny my birth family or keep them a secret, but I can’t see
my adoptive family welcoming them with open arms. Or me, once they know who I
really am. How can I resolve this situation? My fiancé knows, and he is fine
with everything; he has said he can’t wait to meet my birth family and is being
very supportive of me. I feel like I am going to have to trade one family for
the other.
Signed,
Passing…Without Even Knowing It
Dear Passing…Without Even Knowing It:
Your letter is one of the most heart-wrenching letters I
have ever received, and the most difficult I have ever had to answer. My heart goes out to you, and I will pray that your
adoptive family members are able to overcome their prejudices and accept your
birth family into your life and theirs.
Racism is an ugly, ugly trait that can be difficult to
overcome – not only for the victims of it, but for those who hold such beliefs
that they are somehow superior to others. While I cannot see your adoptive
family rejecting you – and I am sure they will be full of excuses as to why you
are an “exception” because you are their daughter – it is going to take a great
deal of time and understanding on the part of both families before any sort of
true acceptance can take place.
The sooner you tell your adoptive parents that you have
found your birth parents the better. By keeping them a secret your adoptive
parents may think that you are ashamed of your birth parents (considering the
way your adoptive parents believe) and you will need to correct them of any
such notion. Sit down with your adoptive parents and tell them the truth – that
you have found your adoptive family, met with them, and that they are wonderful
people who chose to place you for adoption because they were young and unable
to give you the kind of life they wanted for you. Tell your adoptive parents
that your birth parents are grateful that you were raised to be such a
competent, caring adult and that you had a wonderful childhood with all the
things that they hoped adoption would provide. Add any other sentiments you
feel are appropriate or that you feel need to be said. Then, add that there is
just one thing that you know will be of a bother to your adoptive parents, but
that you would like them to work on getting past it for your sake, and explain
to your adoptive parents that you are not olive skinned, but black. Your
adoptive parents may already know this, but if they don’t it is a good way to
reveal that, “quite obviously”, your birth parents are also black.
People with strongly held views tend to make exceptions for
those they love; I hope that your adoptive parents will be willing to see past
their racist views and look at the situation through the eyes of love. Explain
to them that you want your birth parents – and your birth siblings – to be a
part of your life, and that you will be working on developing a relationship
with them, and that you plan on inviting them to your wedding. Be prepared for
objections from your adoptive parents, but be firm in telling them that any
rejection of your birth family is a rejection of you. Remind them that your
birth parents are your blood, a phrase that tends to diffuse resentments and
build loyalties.
I wish you all the luck in the world and hope that bridges
can be built between both sets of your parents. Although I doubt they will
change their racist views, perhaps your adoptive parents can learn to judge
people on a case by case basis. This is all we can ever ask of anyone. Please
write back and let me (and my readers) know how things go.
Snuggles,
Tazi
Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.
No comments:
Post a Comment