Spread The Word: It's Okay To Be Asexual

Dear Tazi:

I am 25 years old and have never dated anyone. I have gone on dates, but I have never been interested in the person to see them more than two or three times. I have no interest in romance with a man or a woman, and no interest in sex. I am completely fine with this, since I have no desire to have children, either.

My parents are constantly pressuring me to meet someone and settle down, but I am settled. I have a job that I love, a college education, and I am looking to buy my first home. I have two pet cats that I adore who provide every day companionship and many friends that I see on a fairly regular basis. I have hobbies and play softball for a community team. I like to think I am a well-rounded person who lives a fulfilling life. All of this is not enough for my parents, though.

My mother would like me to seek counseling to “figure out what is wrong” with me; my father has asked me straight out if I am gay. I am not gay, and I don’t think there is anything wrong with me; at least nothing that going to a counselor would fix. Should I humor my Mom and go to counseling and maybe find a way to overcome my lack of interest in partnering up with someone? Or should I stand my ground and tell my parents that they need to accept me for who I am, how I am?

Signed,

Not Perfect But Perfectly Happy

Dear Not Perfect but Perfectly Happy:

None of us are perfect (not even us kitties!) and if we spent our lives chasing perfection we would not be perfectly happy; we would be miserable because we are chasing after the unattainable and refusing to be content with all that we do have.

Not having an interest in a romantic relationship with another is unusual, but not unheard of and certainly not abnormal. It sounds to me that you are asexual – having no interest in either men or women. In a culture where everything must be paired (salt and pepper; lettuce and tomato; ketchup and mustard; for every sock a shoe) being asexual can be seen as an aberration to what is correct. However, if you are happy and feeling fulfilled just the way you are who is anyone to say that your asexuality is incorrect?

Say it loud and proud!

If you would like to seek counseling to further explore the idea that you may be asexual – or seek a medical opinion to rule out low testosterone – your health insurance should cover the expense. I would recommend a physical exam, because low testosterone can cause heart problems in men. If, however, you check out completely healthy I see no reason to worry about who you are. While your parents may be hoping for grandchildren the decision to have children or not have children is yours and yours alone; your parents need to understand that not everyone is cut out for marriage and parenthood, and that you are cut from a different mold. Perhaps your parents are the ones who should seek counseling to help them learn to accept you as you are.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Keeping Feet Neat Not Just A Matter Of Vanity

Dear Tazi:

I have a problem. My mother likes to wear sandals as soon as the weather gets warm. This is not my problem. She will wear socks with her sandals if the weather is not yet warm enough for sandals. I only wish this was my problem. My problem is that Mom has the most disgusting feet I have ever seen. He toenails are long, gnarly, dirty, ingrown, and full of fungus. The skin on her feet is cracked and yellow and they smell. They are disgusting.

I have offered to take Mom for regular pedicures, but she always refuses, saying that pedicures are an expensive waste of money. Tazi, it is not like we cannot afford it! Both of us live in an upscale neighborhood and have plenty of disposable income; Mom just chooses not to “dispose” of her income on what she considers vanities.

Ok, I admit it is vain to want Mom’s feet to look nice! It’s embarrassing to see her troll feet on display whenever she leaves the house! She wears sandals everywhere – from the grocery store on Mondays to church on Sunday. Is there any other way to frame this problem so she might consider buffing up her tootsies?

Signed,

Neat Feet

Dear Neat Feet:

Your mother needs to see a podiatrist, not a pedicurist! Foot fungus can lead to other types of infection by leaving the nail beds open to germs and viruses. If she does not walk around barefoot there is no reason for her feet to be cracked and yellow; this could be a sign of diabetes. I suggest you push your mother to get a complete physical check-up with her primary care physician, requesting special attention be paid to her feet. Cracks in the epidermal layer of skin can also leave a person at risk for dangerous infections.

Basic foot care is not a matter of vanity. Our feet bear the weight of our entire body, and allow us to freely move from one place to the other. Proper foot care is a matter of preventative health. Explain to your mother that a pedicure does not have to include toenail polish. After a primary visit to a podiatrist to deal with the foot fungus, ingrown nails, and other potential problems regular visits to a pedicurist for trimming, filing, and buffing will keep her feet in proper health. Rather than think of it as a vanity, tell your Mom to try and look at it as a form of preventative health, because that is what it is.

Snuggles,

Tazi

P.S. you could get a pedi with her, making it a weekly or biweekly mother-daughter event. This may mean more to your Mom than simply sending her on her own.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Quality Time With Family Should Not Involve The Television

Dear Tazi:

I am a teenage girl with two brothers. My parents and my brothers all like the same types of TV shows, while I prefer something different. Every night the rest of my family wants to watch one TV show, and I would rather not watch at all than watch something that does not interest me. Because of this, I politely get up and go to my bedroom to watch TV in my room or study or something else that I find interesting. Sometimes, I just go to bed early.

My mother has been getting on my back about not staying in the living room "to spend quality time with the family". I have explained to her that I do not enjoy the same TV shows everyone else wants to watch, but my mother took it the wrong way and told me that the majority rules and that everyone else isn't going to be put out so I can watch my TV shows. It is not like I am trying to force everyone to conform to my TV tastes, Tazi! I told my Mom that I do not expect everyone else to watch my shows, but that I should not be forced to watch theirs.

My mother has threatened to take the TV out of my room if I refuse to sit and watch TV with the family for at least an hour each night. I don't think this is very fair. I just don't get the enjoyment they do from watching their shows, so why should I be forced to watch them?

Signed,
Not A Fan Of Reality TV

Dear Not A Fan Of Reality TV:

At the risk of angering your mother, I am going to rule with you - to an extent. I do not consider watching TV as a family "spending quality time" together. Quality time involves interaction with each other, something watching TV does not allow - especially if you are bored to tears with what is actually on, and wishing you could be watching something else. My larger concern is that you are still a student and your time would be better spent on your studies than on watching television.

Since your mother would like you to spend at least one hour with the family each evening, I suggest a compromise: for that one hour, you get to choose the television programming. If nobody is on board with this idea (and I doubt they will be) I have an even better suggestion: turn of the TV and spend real quality time together as a family at least twice a week. Card games, board games, Yahtzee, and other games that involve face-to-face interaction. DVR the television shows to watch at a later time. On the evenings when the family is watching TV, you should be allowed to excuse yourself to do homework or study. TV programs can be recorded or watched On Demand at a later time.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Teen Wants To Drop-Out, Learn Lessons From The "School Of Life"

Dear Tazi:

I hate school.  It's boring and I think I could learn a lot more in the School of Life than I am in my local high school.  I will be 16 in January - old enough to drop-out.  My parents have told me if I do that, I can find a new place to live.  I don't think they would actually kick me out, but it is a risk I am willing to take.  What really has me angry is my father.  He owns his own company - a warehouse and shipping place - but he has told me that he doesn't hire people without a high school diploma, a GED, or a good reason for not having either - no exceptions, not even for me.  I don't think this is very fair.  First, my parents tell me I can find another place to live if I leave school, then they won't offer me a job to help me make it until I can find something on my own.  it's like they are forcing me to stay in school.

My Mom is crazy about you, Tazi.  She is always reading your column.  Do you think you can convince her to either ease up or get my father to give me a job?  Without a job, I have to stay in school.

Signed,
Hates School

Dear Hates School:

At sixteen years old, it is not uncommon to hate school.  Many of your peers also think school is boring and that nothing they are learning has anything to do with them.  Many of these students drop-out; some do well for themselves because they have a strong work ethic and generally were holding down a job before leaving school, others discover that dropping out was a big mistake.  Right now, the choice is yours to make - which group do you want to join?

Your comment that you could learn more from the "School of Life" shows a woeful amount of ignorance as to what the School of Life is really like.  Currently, you cannot handle a six-hour workday which requires you to attend 180 days a year, with weekends off; one week vacations every six to eight weeks; and three months off during the summer.  The School of Life may require you to work weekends; days as long as 12-hours, little to no vacation time your first year on the job; no summers off; and low-pay for work harder than you are doing right now.

I suggest that, for a moment, you look at your situation from an employer's point of view.  If you cannot handle school because it is "boring", what is going to happen if you do not like some aspect of your job?  Will you leave it for another to handle?  Would you be open to learning new skills to advance within the company, or is learning something that does not apply to your immediate living situation just not your thing?  These are questions that may go unspoken, but that a Hiring Manager is asking him/herself.  

I like your father's attitude - many employers are not willing to give a chance to someone without a high school diploma or a GED, even though the potential employee may have had extenuating circumstances as to why they were unable to complete their high school education.  This is something you will quickly discover if you drop out of high school (most states do not allow you to sit for your GED tests until you are 18).

Since you seem so gung-ho about working, I suggest you ask your parents for a compromise: You will stay in school and ask if your father will hire you to work after-school and/or weekends.  This will give you the opportunity to finish your high school education while learning valuable lessons in the School of Life you seek to attend.  If the experience of others has taught me anything, it is that you will soon discover how important an education really is.

If by the start of the next school year you still want to drop out and work full-time, your parents should honor this decision.  They do not, however, have to support your decision - I suggest that you save every dime you make, develop a standout work ethic and plenty of professional references so you can find a full-time job on your own in order to become self-supporting.  If I were you, I would not doubt your parents threat to kick you out of the house - it sounds to me as though your education is more important to them than it is to you.  I am not certain of the laws in your state (or what your state is), but generally it is unlawful to kick an underage youth out of the house.  However, you cease to be a youth on your 18th birthday.  Just saying...

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

"Perfect" Student Discovers She Has A Lot To Learn

Dear Tazi:

I am finishing my first semester of college and I am not sure how I am going to explain my grades to my parents. I have always been a perfect student - perfect G.P.A., even with A.P. [advanced placement] courses, participation in sports and band, and a part-time job. School always came easy to me, so I never had to study hard. College is something altogether different.

I am living on campus, so my semester started off a little shaky. I thought the classes would be a little harder than high school, so I studied a little harder and spent a lot of time socializing and getting to know the people who live in my dorm. After my first round of tests, I realized that I needed to cut back on my partying and concentrate on my studies. Thankfully, there are laws that prevent the school from sending my parents my grades, so I was able to fib my way through explaining my midterm grades. I told my parents that my grades were not my best and let them think I had a few A-minuses instead of all B's and C's.

I have worked hard through the remainder of the semester and taken on extra credit work which has helped me to boost my grade to an A in four of my five classes. The last class remains at a B+. I have spoke with my professors and they have all told me that they are impressed with the turn-around in my work, and that if I keep up with my attendance and academic performance I will be assured an A in their class. The exception is the class where I have a B+; my professor has told me that the best I can hope for is an A-minus, since I earned a C on my first exam. I have begged and pleaded, but this professor is not budging - she believes that the numerical grade you earn is the grade you have earned, and counts nothing towards improved work over the course of the semester. It is too late to drop the class, plus it is a prerequisite to a class I need to take next semester, so I really can't drop it.

I have computed my G.P.A. based upon my prospective grades, and a single A-minus will drag me down from a 4.0 to a 3.93. How will I explain this to my parents? I just know they are going to be angry and upset, and will pressure me to move home where they can keep a closer eye on me. I really enjoy living in the dorm, and not because of the social scene. I like the independence of being able to come and go as I please without having to explain where I am going and when I will be back and if I have finished my homework. For the first time in my life I feel free, and I don't want to lose this feeling! Help!

Signed,
Academic Disappointment

Dear Academic Disappointment:

I am hoping your signature is in reference to how you feel about your grades and not how you feel about yourself! A 3.93 G.P.A. during your first semester of college is no small accomplishment! As you have discovered, moving away to college is a big adjustment, and without the supervision of ever-watchful parents mistakes can be made. It was a very intelligent and mature move on your part that you recognized the effect your social life was taking on your grades and took steps to make amends. Now it is time to for a reality check: Nobody starts college with a 4.0 G.P.A. Each semester starts with a 0.0 G.P.A. and you work to raise it.

Think about things this way: You have a class with 10 assignments; each assignment is worth 10 points, for a total of 100 points at the end of the semester, with a traditional grade breakdown: 90 - 100 points = A; 80 - 90 points = B, and so on and so forth. If you do nothing all semester, you have not earned the 90 - 100 points required for an A; you have the same 0 points you started with - and that is an F. You did not start the semester with 100 points and work your way down to 0; you started with 0 and ended there, too. In your case, you completed your coursework and earned the necessary grades to go from 0.00/4.00 to 3.93/4.00. Now can you see all you have accomplished?

If your parents are expecting you to earn a perfect 4.0 during your first semester of college while living away from home for the first time they have unrealistically high expectations of you and you can tell them I said that! First, I would like you to be honest with them about your mid-term grades, though. Explain to your parents what you have told me - that your college career got off to a rocky start due to too much socializing and not enough studying; that you quickly discovered the error of your ways and took steps to rectify them; that you took on extra credit projects to boost your grades and that the efforts are shown in your final grades.

I would like to add that many professors are willing to drop a low grade if it is not a reflection of a students overall performance or if they show improved performance on a cumulative final exam. If your professor is not of this mind, I doubt you will be able to change it; however, pointing out to your parents that your final grade is not reflection of your overall knowledge on the subject may mellow them out a bit.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. Try not to give up on socializing altogether! Social skills and the connections you make in college can be just as important (if not more important) than the grades you earn. My Mommie once got a job in her career field because a shy classmate turned Hiring Manager remembered how she gave him a pen after his ran dry before an exam. He remembered how she told him to keep it, that he would need it for his next class. He told her he liked her "forward thinking manner" and it was one of the reasons he was hiring her.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Elderly Father Now Reaps What He Sowed...So Why Does Daughter Feel Guilty?

Dear Tazi:

My father is a mean, miserable, crotchety old man who never cared a lick for anyone but himself. When times got tough he divorced my mother and married his secretary – but not before secretly transferring his business to her (for a dollar, to make it legally binding) and hiding all of his other assets. He was living the high life with his new wife, while Mom struggled to raise me and my brothers.  I was working full-time by the age of 16, just to help make ends meet, while my father was driving around in a new sports car – a “gift” from his wife, who held all of their accounts so he could pay as little as possible in child support in order to keep up with his preferred lifestyle.

Shortly before my youngest brother’s 18^th birthday my father’s wife left him, and he was left to rebuild his life with only half of the financial assets. My mother told me not to be so gleeful about his misery, that it was not Christian, and that I needed to learn to forgive; that my father’s leaving had helped to make me the hard working success I was becoming. For my Mom’s sake I have tried to forgive my father, and I thought I had until now.

My father lives two hours away from me and took a massive heart attack last week. He lived through it, but once he is discharged from the hospital he will have to go to a nursing home for rehabilitation, since he lives alone and there will be nobody nearby to help with his care. He will only be allowed a short stay in rehab and then he will be sent back home. My father has called me and told me that I will have to come and care for him; that it is my “duty” as his only daughter.

I have told my father that I already have a full-time job and that I will not be commuting to his house twice a day, before and after work, and on weekends to take care for him. He then suggested that I take a leave of absence from work; I wanted to suggest that he go to Hell, but I remembered my Mom’s words about remaining Christian and instead told him to hire a visiting nurse, that I am sure his health insurance will pay for it.

Tazi, I know that I am doing the right thing by doing what is best for me and that my father is now reaping the seeds he sowed all those years ago…so why do I feel guilty that I am not putting myself out to help the man? Could I be doing more for him? He is my father, even if he is a real stinker of one. More importantly, should I be doing more to help him? He has not asked anything of my brothers, and they in turn would refuse him if he did; my youngest brother hasn’t seen our father since he was 8 years old.  On the one hand, I feel like I am his only hope; on the other hand, I feel like he doesn’t deserve to have hope.

Signed,

??????

Dear ??????:

Not knowing you I cannot tell you why you feel guilty about not helping your father. I can only speculate that you have been raised to forgive, forget, and move on from the hurt. You need to remember that forgiving does not mean painting a target on your back for people to dump all over you once again.

Forgiveness is not for the other person – it is for you. Forgiveness allows you to free your soul from the anger that weighs it down when it is overloaded with the pain of being hurt. While you may want to forgive your father for his physical and financial abandonment of you as a child, you don’t have to thank him for it. You became the successful woman you are today through your own hard work; the only part his abandonment played was to create the need for the determination to succeed.

You may also be feeling a desire to reconcile old hurts before you can fully put them behind you. Your father’s demand that you serve him in his time of need is a reflection of his selfishness (and sexism, since he is only making these demands of you because you are female) and this is a personality facet that he will have to reconcile on his own. If you feel the desire to be there for your father, you should do so on your own terms, not on the terms he dictates to you. If you have the time to spare a weekend or two to go and see him, I suggest you make the effort. Seeing this once proud man reduced to frailty may help you to sort out your emotions towards him and see him for what he is – a fallible human being who has reaped the miseries he once sowed upon others. Although I doubt a loving relationship will ever be rekindled between the two of you, you will at least know that you have done all you can to help, which may ease your conscience when you give his outrageous requests a firm “no”.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Sibling Needs Help Taking Care Of Aging Parents, Receives Excuses

Dear Tazi:

I am one of ten children; I have six brothers and three sisters, all of us grown. My parents are both older, and are getting frail in their later years. It is quickly becoming obvious that they will be unable to live independently much longer, yet they are too healthy for a nursing home and would not be able to afford assisted living (and they outright refuse to allow me to pay for it). While a visiting nurse is a possibility, such services would not be available around the clock and are really not what Mom and Dad need. They just need someone to help with their meals and to look in on them during the day, and then to help with chores such as laundry and housework.

For the past several years I have been giving up my free time to assist Mom and Dad with the yard work and the bills, while my wife and two daughters help with the house chores and the cooking, freezing meals to be eaten during the course of the week. My daughters are in high school, and the eldest will be graduating high school this spring with her sister graduating next year. Both are planning on going away to school, so they will not be around to help. My wife, who also works full-time, has been offered a promotion that will require more time of her, leaving less time to help care for my parents.

Seeing the writing on the wall, I have asked my nine siblings to come together and think of a way to help Mom and Dad, either by taking them into their homes (the ideal decision) or by giving a helping hand to allow them to stay in their own home. All I got was excuses about why they could not take Mom and Dad in and why they had not the time or money to assist with Mom and Dad’s care. Tazi, I am completely disgusted!

I would take my parents in myself, but a home with two active teenage daughters is not the place for them. My father can be very rigid, and I can foresee issues cropping up around my daughters’ busy schedules and dinner being late because of them. I will not put my children through this, not during their last years at home with their mother and me.

Five of my siblings all have at least one spouse who is home during the day, and two eldest brothers are retired. All have refused to let Mom and Dad live with them, claiming that they just don’t have the room (in spite of the fact that all of their children are grown and have left the nest). One of my sisters actually said that she needed to keep her daughter’s old bedroom open in case a grandchild comes along. Tazi, my niece (her daughter) has frequently expressed her displeasure about children and how she never hopes to have any.

Mom and Dad are both close to 90, and I have no idea how many years they have left but I doubt it is going to be more than 10, probably a lot fewer. My younger daughter has offered to take a year off of school to live with and care for them, but she is a young girl with her life ahead of her – this should not be her responsibility!

While I cannot force any of my siblings to take Mom and Dad in, I can make life very uncomfortable for them. Of the ten of us, I am by far the most financially comfortable due to a very successful law practice and my wife’s income as a middle-manager (soon to be executive) with a large corporation. In the past, we have always offered financial assistance with no strings attached because we are family. When my youngest sister got divorced I not only paid for her attorney but I gave her the money to buy her ex-husband’s share of their house so she and the kids would not have to move. \

My other siblings have also been on the receiving end of my financial largesse, and until now I have never thought twice about it. Now, I am considering telling them that the Bank of Brother is closed until they step up for Mom and Dad. Like me, they all have kids who are in or headed for college and graduate school. I don’t want my nephews and nieces to suffer for their parents’ selfishness. My wife says we should just set up trust funds for the kids, ignore my parents’ objections and pay for the cost of assisted living, and write off everyone else. I rather like the idea of trust funds for the kids, but the rest of her idea is pretty drastic. What do you think?

Signed,

A Lawyer In A Muddle

Dear A Lawyer In A Muddle:

Situations that normally appear black and white turn all shades of gray when our emotions are involved, don’t they? You sound like a man who is generous of heart and of wallet; your parents raised you well, and you are a credit to them. It is obvious you are very close to your parents, so perhaps you are unable to see their flaws as well as your siblings can see them.

You mention that your father is “rigid” and would not stand for meals being served late or for living with two active teenagers. Is it possible that his rigidness is what is keeping his children from taking him into their homes? Could it be that they fear he will try to take over as the Man of the House and turn them into children once more? There is more here than meets the eye, and it would do everyone a world of good to sit down and discuss the real reasons they do not want your parents living with them.

Your wife’s idea of disowning your siblings is extreme, but may also result in them buckling and taking in your parents – but at what cost to your Mom and Dad? You would essentially be blackmailing your siblings into taking them in; are you certain that they would make your parents feel welcome? There is nothing worse than feeling like a guest in what is supposed to be your own home.

You are an attorney, so I am going to make a wild assumption that you are used to negotiating, debating, and convincing opposing sides to come together in compromise. Try to think of your family as a box full of jurors who need convincing that your client deserves justice. Remind them of the fact that family members help each other, and that you are now asking them to come together and help their Mom and Dad. Do not lord over them the fact that you have given them large sums of money in the past; they are already very aware of this. If, in the end, not a single one can be convinced to assist your mother and father you will have to arrange to pay their expenses at an assisted living facility. If they balk, tell them it’s a loan and that their estate can pay you back when they are both gone.

Snuggles,

Tazi

P.S. If you want to set up college trusts for your nephews and nieces, make that a separate issue, lest it sound like a bribe.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

How To Celebrate A 21st Birthday With "Style"?

Dear Tazi:

My 21^st birthday is approaching, and this is a big deal to me and I want to celebrate in style. My friends want to take me out for a night on the town, complete with a limousine to chauffeur us from place to place, but my parents (who I don’t live with!) are freaking out and demanding that I spend my “milestone birthday” with them and the rest of the family.

I understand that my parents are afraid I am going to get freaky drunk and do something stupid, but I don’t really like alcohol; I have tired it and it tastes gross. I do like to go dancing, and am very excited that I will finally be old enough to get into all of the good clubs, not just the 18+ ones where the staff watches you like an overprotective grandmother. I have tried to explain this to my parents, but they keep telling me that “It’s not you we are worried about; it’s everyone else!” They are afraid that I am going to end up in trouble because of my friends, and are insisting I spend my 21^st birthday at the country club with them for dinner and dancing. Tazi, the music they play there [stinks]. It’s all stuff for older people, nothing like the dance music I like.

I have told my parents that they can plan dinner at the club for another night, but they are insisting that I make my plans for another night. I have told them they can make whatever plans they want but I am going to do what I want and they can’t stop me. I realize that this makes me sound like a bratty little kid, but this is important to me and my friends. I am an adult and should be allowed to make my own decisions. The problem is that my decision leaves me feeling terrible, like I am disappointing my parents. How can I resolve this to make them happy while not selling out to them?

Signed,

Almost 21

Dear Almost 21:

Something you will discover (if you have not already) is that even though you are an adult and living on your own, you will always be your parents’ child. It is difficult for them to let you grow up because they love you and want to keep you safe, but also because they want to hold onto family traditions – such as celebrating milestone birthdays together.

Turning 21 is a milestone birthday in America because it signifies the next step into adulthood. When you turned 16, you earned driving privileges; when you turned 18, you earned voting privileges; now that you are 21, you are earning drinking privileges and the benefits that go along with them, such as entry to nightclubs where alcohol consumption is allowed. Within the past five years you have gone from someone who is completely dependent upon your parents to an independent adult. While it may seem like a long stretch to you, for your parents it feels like it happened almost overnight, and they are still adjusting to these changes.

While renting a limousine to take you from location to location is a wonderful birthday gift, the purpose behind it – so your friends can overindulge – concerns me. Reckless drinking is a dangerous habit to develop, and can lead to alcoholism in the long run and physical injury and sexual assault in the short run. It is not that your parents don’t trust you, but like they say they do not trust those around you. Being sober can help you keep your wits about you in an emergency, but being surrounded by drunken revelers like those who participate in “I’m Schmacked” events heighten the possibility of an emergency situation occurring. Your friends may be looking to use your 21^st birthday as an excuse to overindulge. With all of this in mind, I am going to suggest a compromise that should work for everyone:

Is this how you want to remember your special night?

(Here in the Northeast) nightclubs close at 2 AM or even later, so people do not start to show until 10 PM, and clubs do not start to fill up until 11 PM. This will give you plenty of time to have dinner with your family at the country club, have a dance or two with your Dad, accept birthday wishes from others who have seen you grow up, and then get to the club to go dancing with friends of your own age group. I suggest you have them pick you up at the country club; if your friends have been “pre-gaming” during this time they will most likely be fairly well intoxicated, giving you a preview of what your night with them will entail. At this point, you can decide to stay with your family and send your friends on alone or join them in their revelries. With any luck, your friends are sincere about wanting to celebrate with you, not because of you and will have stayed sober until the main event so you can all enjoy an evening of dancing.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

"Control Freak" Mother Needs A New Hobby

Dear Tazi:

I love my Mom dearly, but she is the biggest control freak I know! I lived at home until I got engaged, and then I moved in with my fiancé (who is now my husband). Mom assumed that my years under her roof left me completely unprepared to run my own house, so she decided that she needed to teach me how to keep house. At first, I was grateful for the lessons in how to make a home run smoothly, but it has been five years and she still won’t let me run my own household!

Every time my Mom visits me, she feels the need to start rearranging my kitchen drawers “to make them more efficient”, refolding the bathroom towels “the right way”, and going through my pantry to “make sure everything is fresh and healthy”; she will throw out anything that is within six months of expiring and anything she feels is not healthy.  She is driving me NUTS!

If I tell Mom to sit down and relax, she will fidget like crazy – I can tell that she would much rather be reorganizing my laundry shelf than having tea with me. On days such as these mom does manage to control herself, but then a few days later I will come home from work to find that Mom has let herself in and has rearranged everything as she thinks it should look.

How can I get her to stop doing this? I organize my home in such a way that it works for me and my husband. It is not Mom’s way, but that doesn’t mean it is not the right way!

Signed,

Strangled by Apron Strings

Dear Strangled By Apron Strings:

I think your Mom needs a hobby. You lived at home well into adulthood, and I am guessing that you were the center of your mother’s attention for most of that time. Now that you are an adult who can care for herself, your Mom has a great deal of time on her hands and nothing to do with it; consequently, she is reverting to her old habit of taking care of you.

You do not mention if your mother is married, divorced, or widowed, but I am going to guess that your father is not in the picture – otherwise, she could focus all of her attention on him.  The next time that you and your Mom decide to get together for coffee, why not do so at a local coffee shop? I often see retirees and homemakers gathered at such places for coffee and conversation; it is quite possible that she will see someone she knows and be able to renew old friendships and even if she does not, she will be away from your pantry and linen closets!

To tackle the other half of your problem – your mother’s need to take care of you – I suggest that you keep her in the loop with whatever is going on in your life, and ask her opinion on various events – in your life, your community, and in the world. Your mom needs to feel both needed and valued, and asking her opinion is the best way to accomplish both. Once you have managed to keep some space between your personal areas and your Mom, you can work from there to make sure the changes stick. Suggest a class, a weekly event, or a volunteer project that can keep your mother occupied so her idle hands will not do devilish things to your home.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Virgin Shares Her Bed But Not Her Body, Much To Mother's Disbelief

Dear Tazi:

I was raised devoutly Christian and remain so as an adult. I have been blessed to meet a man who respects my beliefs, although he does not share all of them. “Manuel” and I have been dating for three years now, and due to financial difficulties we have decided to move in together. I think this is the right move for our relationship, because we would like to get married someday and I would like to make sure we are compatible as living-mates, as we are as live-mates.

Although we are renting a one-bedroom apartment, Manuel and I are not having sex. I am a virgin and am saving myself for marriage. Manuel respects me, although he admits it is frustrating to sleep in the same bed with me and not be able to consummate our relationship. I have taken to wearing long cotton and flannel night gowns to ease his tensions. My problem is my mother.

Mom does not believe that Manuel and I are maintaining our chastity. She has condemned me for “living in sin” and has told me she will not come to my wedding if I do not “rectify this abomination immediately”. I don’t think she would actually skip my wedding – my brother lived with his girlfriend and was having sex with her (I know because she was three months pregnant by the time their long-planned wedding date rolled around) and Mom still came to his wedding, even after threatening to disown him and calling his wife every name in the Book.

My problem isn’t my fear of losing my relationship with my Mom; it’s her belief that I have turned away from the teachings of my church and her belief that I am lying to her. How can I convince her that I am still the good girl she raised, and will remain that way until my wedding night?

Signed,

Saving Myself

Dear Saving Myself:

One of the downers of being an adult is needing to take responsibility for your actions. Another downer is cutting the apron strings when you would rather keep them firmly tied in place of the umbilical cord that once kept you attached to your mother. Your mother has accused you of lying; you know you are not. Why do you feel the need to prove to her that you are telling the truth when there is no way – short of a gynecological exam – to prove to her you are still her “good girl”? If your mother cannot take you at your word, this is her problem; you should not be making it yours.

I suggest you meet your Mom for coffee or for lunch or whatever you feel comfortable doing as you broach this subject with her. Tell your mother that you are disappointed with her. Explain that she raised you in faith, and that you continue to follow that faith; her accusations against you are hurtful and untrue. Tell her what you have told me: that you want to make sure that you and Manuel are as compatible as living-mates as you are as life-mates, and that living together not only accomplishes this end but also helps to save money, which you can put towards the wedding you hope to one day have.

One a somewhat related note, for the sake of Manuel’s mental health, your mother’s concerns, and general appearances, you might want to give up the double bed and invest in a set of twin beds (your mother may even want to assist with the cost). This compromise is not ideal, but compromises rarely are.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Freshman Feels Pushed To Study What Parents Want

Dear Tazi:

I started college this summer because my parents wanted me to get a jump on my degree, so while I was finishing my senior year of high school I was also enrolled in college writing and college math. It made for a pretty boring summer, and I only got a little over a month off before I had to get ready to start classes again. My parents want me to major in History so I can go to law school and eventually join my father’s firm. While I don’t mind the idea of being a lawyer, I don’t want to study History. Or Political Science. Or any other Pre-Law program for that matter. I want to study Psychology and Criminology and learn why criminals commit crimes. I like the idea of being a Prosecutor and working for the District Attorney, and maybe even running for Attorney General someday. My ultimate goal in life is to be a judge, and I can’t see that happening if I go into Corporate law at my father’s firm.

I know that I could make a lot more money working for my father’s firm than I could working for the state, but I have grown up surrounded by money and privilege and don’t enjoy it too much. I like doing simple things like fishing, camping, and hunting. I have worked as a file clerk for my father for two summers now (yeah, in addition to my classes) so I have had some exposure to what it is like to work in his firm and one of the things it requires is very long hours, seven days a week. There would be no time for recreation if I went to work for him

I have some money set aside from my grandparents (my Mom’s parents) that they left me when they died, so I can pay for my own schooling if my parents threaten to cut me off for not studying History. This is not why I am afraid of telling them my plans for my future. My father’s law firm was founded by my great-grandpa (his grandpa) and tradition is big where I come from, and even bigger than is normal for these parts in my family. I don’t want to be the person who ends that tradition. I also don’t want to live a life that will make me miserable, either. I feel like either way I lose. Can you think of a solution, Tazi Kat?

Signed,

Confused And On The Cusp Of Manhood

Dear Confused And on The Cusp Of Manhood:

I assume you are 18 years old or just about, so don’t worry too much about being confused, and don’t worry about what to tell your parents just yet. Many college students end up studying something different from what they intended to study when they first started. You will not be required to actually declare a major until your junior year, so I suggest for now you concentrate on taking a variety of courses that interest you – be they in History, Political Science, Criminology, or Psychology. Many of these courses will double as general education credits, so you will be working towards your degree requirements while you explore all of your options.

The important thing to do is to keep your parents in the loop regarding your interest in your studies. No parent wants to be kept in the dark only to discover upon graduation that their child will not be going to graduate school because they changed their major to art (true story!). The great thing about law school is that you can do your undergraduate work in almost any field; History and Political science just happen to be two of the most common choices. Once your parents catch on that your interests fall outside these traditional subjects you can look for your opening to discuss your future plans – which by then may be completely different than what they are now.

Be prepared to handle your parents expected disappointment in a mature manner. You do not need to rely on their money to pay for your education, so there is no reason to flip out on them if they threaten to cut you off financially. Explain to them that the family legacy is important to you, and that your goal is to bring honor to that legacy; holding elected position or even a judgeship is no small accomplishment! You may even be surprised to learn that your father will understand that Corporate law is not what interests you, and that he will be willing to work with you to go in your own direction, working on cases that don’t dovetail into his firm’s main area of concern but that concern some of his more important clients. Remember that you will need to work internships while an undergraduate and as a law student, so try not to burn the bridges that exist between you and your father. All any parent wants for their child is happiness and success; try and work with your parents to achieve both while standing firm to your own principles. Consider it a preview of your life’s work to come.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Nosy Mother Gets An Eyeful

Dear Tazi:

I am 34 years old, not married, and have been with my boyfriend over three years. I have no desire to get married or live with him because I enjoy my life just the way it is and he is perfectly happy, too. My problem is my mother; she has to be the nosiest person on Earth!

When Mom comes over to visit, she will routinely go through my mail (don't tell me to hide it; she manages to find it), rifle through my bathroom cabinets and the vanity drawers (she claims she is looking for an aspirin, which she knows I do not keep in the house due to an aspirin allergy); and search my coat pockets (she supposedly needs a cough drop, but when I offer one it is the wrong brand and/or flavor).

Last visit, Mom came by the morning after my boyfriend had spent the night. We had been intimate the night before, and we always use protection - which Mom found while rifling through my garbage because she couldn't find her reading glasses. When I asked her why she needed them, she told me that she thought she found a box of condoms in my underwear drawer (where she was looking to see if I needed new cotton briefs; I have not worn cotton briefs since I was a child).  When I told her that she had in fact found condoms, she flipped out and told me that she did not raise me this way, and went on and on about how disappointed in me she was.

Tazi, I flipped out on her. I have had it with her snooping and I told her that if she had not been snooping through my stuff she would not have come across anything that displeased her. I told her that I am a grown woman, not a child, and that I am in a committed relationship and that I will have sex if I choose to have it. Mom got very upset and left my house without saying goodbye. Shortly thereafter, I got a call from my father asking me what I did to make my mother so upset; she had come home in tears, wailing about how she was a failure as a mother.

When I told my father - the edited version - of how Mom had been snooping again and did not like what she had found, he sympathized with me but told me that she is still my mother and that I should have respected her and that I should apologize to her for upsetting her! I told my father I would not apologize, that had mother not been abusing my privacy she would never have gotten upset and that I am the one who is owed an apology. Things have deteriorated from there...

The next day I got a call from Mom's priest asking me if I had anything to confess; I hung up on him. My boyfriend is just rolling his eyes at the whole situation and suggesting that the next time I stay at his place; my father thinks the whole situation is ridiculous but is pressuring me to apologize to Mom to keep the peace, and Mom is not speaking to me since I hung up on the priest.

The summer is here, and parties will be occurring all season long. I would like to put all of this behind me so I can enjoy the summer with my family, but I just don't know how!

Signed,
Sexually Active Adult

Dear Sexually Active Adult:

You may be an adult, but to your mother you are still her little girl - which is why she wants to see you in Fruit of the Loom and not Victoria's Secret. Since you are an adult woman living on your own you have every right to demand privacy from your mother's snooping. This is only half the issue, though.

Only kitties are sexy enough to rock the tighty whities!

Personally, I do not think she was at all shocked at finding a box of condoms (and their used remains) in your apartment; I think this is what she has been snooping for all along, and so long as she found none she could continue to live in her fantasy world where you are still her little girl. I do not believe that you owe your mother an apology for how you choose to live your life; I do believe that you owe her an apology for flying off the handle at her and that she owes you an apology for invading your privacy.

Since it appears that you will have to be the bigger person here, I suggest you call your mother to let her know that you would like to clear the air between the two of you. Tell her that she is not a failure as a parent and point out all of the ways in which her parenting has helped you to become a successful, independent, woman. If she insists on harping on your sex life, tell her that the subject is off-limits. I sincerely doubt that this is a subject she will want to bring up at parties when people ask why the two of you are not speaking, so gently remind her of this fact.

When you feel ready to mollify both of your parents by apologizing for losing your temper with your mother then do it - do not offer an insincere apology just to get it out of the way. If you are having trouble reaching this point remind yourself that whenever we lose our temper with someone, we lose more than just our self-control; we lose the respect of those who witness it. Tell your mother that when she is ready to offer an apology for invading your privacy that you are ready to accept it - and mean it. Family counseling may help both of you reach this point in time to enjoy a summer full of fun celebrations.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Aging Mother Could Use Help, But Would Prefer The Gift Of Time

Dear Tazi:

My mother is getting older and is unable to do all of the things she used to do, especially when it comes to living independently. Although she is still able to live in her own home, she has difficulty getting around, which makes chores difficult to complete.

I would like to lighten Mom’s load, but whenever I offer to do something for her, she either refuses or suggest I join her while she completes the chore. For example, I know how difficult it is for Mom to walk for a prolonged period of time, so I offered to do her weekly grocery shopping. She refused, but said I could come along and do it with her if I wanted. I am a working Mom myself, and my free time is limited; I do not wish to spend it replicating the chores that Mom is doing on her own.

I am reaching my wit’s end with Mom and her complaints that she simply cannot keep up with all that needs to be done, and how she is exhausted after everything is complete. I have offered to pay for services from laundry to landscaping, but Mom feels those services are a waste of money. She thinks you should not pay someone to do something that you could do yourself, and has suggested that I just come over and help her instead. I am considering just hiring some help for Mom, above her objections, so she does not have such a heavy burden to bear. My husband thinks this is a bad idea, and that we should offer to do these chores for her ourselves.

Tazi, I do not look forward to doing more housework after I finish cleaning my own house, and I cannot fathom how my husband will find the time to keep up with Mom’s yard on top of our own. My husband says that we should “suck it up” for Mom’s sake, but I am having a hard time doing that. What is your opinion of the situation, Tazi?

Signed,

Double Duty

Dear Double Duty:

Has it occurred to you that your mother might want you to accompany her on her trip to the grocery store because she enjoys your company and would like more of it? This could also be the reason that she is refusing the paid services you are offering to hire for her; it’s possible she is hoping you will offer to come over yourself and assist her with the housework and have a nice mother-daughter visit while you are at it.

I realize that you do not wish to do extra housework on top of your own, or to replicate your mother’s chores by accompanying her as she does them, but as Mary Poppins taught us all as children, a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down! What could be sweeter than spending time with your aging mother?

I wish my sandbox cleaned itself this way!

 If you do not have the time to undertake all of the chores, talk to your mother about which ones she has the most difficulty with and do those for her. If your children are old enough to undertake chores, you could make helping your mother a family event, with everyone taking on one or two chores; if the children are too young to complete chores they could have a nice visit with Grandma while you and your husband - who sounds quite willing - take care of completing your mother's vacuuming, laundry, ironing, landscaping, car washing, grocery shopping, etc. Many hands can make for light work.

If I have not yet convinced you to put a little time aside to assist your Mom, please consider this: children learn what they live. If they see you and their father assisting your elders, they too will learn the importance of respecting them - and of assisting you when you are too aged to do all that needs to get done. I hope you can find it in your heart to make the selfless decision.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Child Put Up For Adoption Becomes Subject Of Family Rift

Dear Tazi:

Thirty years ago, when I was just a teenager, I got pregnant by my degenerate boyfriend who dumped me as soon as he found out he was going to be a father. My mother wanted me to have an abortion, but I refused and chose instead to put the baby girl I birthed up for adoption.

During the years since I gave birth, I have graduated college; lived an adventurous life; and settled down into the life of a suburban wife. I have never wanted children myself, and my husband feels the same. He knows about my past, and accepts me as I am, as well as the decision that I made. I have no regrets about my decision to put the baby up for adoption, and the only time I ever think of her is on her birthday, to hope that she has had a wonderful, fulfilling life with people who have offered her more than I ever could, in terms of both financial stability and loving acceptance.

If everything is so peachy, what’s my problem? My mother. After years of my telling her that my husband and I have no plans to have children, it has finally gotten through to her. Now, she constantly wails over how I “selfishly gave away” her granddaughter without thought of what my “poor mother” might want. Tazi, my “poor mother” seems to have conveniently forgotten that what she wanted was for me to have an abortion!

My mother is now pressuring me to join a registry for parents who have put their children up for adoption, to see if “my” child is looking for me. I have no desire to do this, and have told my mother so, but she insists that she has rights to her grandchild. When I remind her that my brother has three children that she never sees, she claims it is because their mother doesn’t like her (this is another story altogether). Mom has called me a cold, unfeeling monster for not caring about my own child.

Tazi, I have never thought of the baby I gave up as “mine”, even as I carried her, knowing that she would not be mine to raise. My mother stood beside me every step of the process, since I was under-aged and she was legally required to be a part of the process. She could have stopped it at any time, but did not, insisting that an abortion would have been the better choice. I think that she gave up the right to access to her “grandchild” 30 years ago, and has no right to pressure me to open up the past. What do you think, Tazi?

Signed,

Child-Free…Sort Of

Dear Child-Free…Sort Of

You speak from a place of maturity and experience, two things you probably did not have thirty years ago when you made these life-altering decisions. Your courage to go against your mother’s demands for an abortion is admirable, as is the strength it took to see the baby not as yours, but as yours to give to another. The fact that you think of the daughter you birthed on her birthday is also admirable, and reflects the fact that you are not a cold, unfeeling monster; you are just not the parental type.

Your mother’s demand for access to the child you placed for adoption is unnerving. I can understand a person’s desire to connect with long-lost loved ones, but she is refusing to connect with the grandchildren currently in her life. As you allude, there is more to that story, but your mother’s need to control you – back then and now – seems to be the real issue here.

You twice state that your mother would have preferred you have an abortion than to give birth, and you also comment that she stood by you during the entire adoption process. I see things as you do: that she gave up the right to her grandchild when you gave up your parental rights. However, none of us can predict the future. If your mother knew that you would have no other children, would she have pressured you so hard in the first place?

It sounds to me that your mother is living with regrets. Before deciding for or against registering with a parental registry, I suggest you have a long talk with your mother. Ask her what she hopes to gain from a reunion with her long-lost granddaughter. Does she have expectations of what this woman will be like? What if she does not meet with your mother’s expectations, what then? A person is not a puppy; you cannot decide you don’t like what you see and try to return them or find them a new owner. Once you have some clarity on what your mother seeks, you can decide from there your next course of action, remembering the possibility that the child you put up for adoption may not even know that she is adopted, and therefore might not be seeking you at all.

Snuggles,

Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Legacy Does Not Wish To Continue The Family Tradition

Dear Tazi:

I am a high school senior at a very prestigious private school in Massachusetts. My parents required me to apply for early acceptance at Harvard; because I make a very competitive candidate, and because I am a legacy, there is an excellent chance that I will be accepted into this fine institution.  My problem is that I do not want to go to Harvard. I have spent the last fourteen years of my life attending private preparatory schools where I have lived among the world's most privileged; been pushed to excel beyond what is expected of other students my age; and isolated from reality. I feel like a bird in a gilded cage! I want to spread my wings and fly!

I would like to apply for acceptance to some of the nations more prestigious public schools, like the University of Michigan, UConn (I play basketball), Penn, and especially the University of Texas at Austin! My parents will not hear of such a dream, and insist that if I do not go to Harvard than they will not finance my education any further. In addition to playing sports and participating in Student Government and other extracurricular activities, my grades seat me in the top 1% of my class. I do not think financing my education will be an issue, since I am certain I will qualify for academic grants and scholarships. My parents did not appreciate this rebuttal, and threatened to cut me off completely if I do not agree to attend Harvard. As tempting as it is to consider making it on my own, I know that real life is not like a television show; to be cut off completely at the age of 18 is actually quite frightening.

I cannot talk to any of my academic counselors at school, Tazi; they would not understand. Plus, their job is to encourage behaviors that best represent the school, and seeing an alumna off to Harvard would look very good for the school. Can you think of any way I can win this argument with my parents? Or am I to continue to follow their rules for the rest of my life?

Signed,
Not A Kardashian

Dear Not A Kardashian:

You sound like a young woman with more than just academic intelligence; you sound like you have a sense of adventure, combined with a sense of practicality, with a good dose of reasoning skills added to the mix. I am happy that you acknowledge the fact that life is not like a TV show; this is something that some people still need to learn.

Looking at the situation from your parents point of view, I see a few factors at work. First is their desire for their daughter to succeed in life at the level where they hope you will be entering the world. I get the distinct impression that they do not expect your first job to be an entry level one. Second, you mention that you are a legacy. Would you be the second generation to be a Crimson, or do you come from a long line of "John Harvards"? [Ed. Note: The mascot, people; not the brewpub!].  These factors, along with Harvard's reputation for academic excellence, could explain your parents push for you to stay in the Bay State.

Did you know that the University of Texas at Austin only accepts 15% of non-resident students into its freshman class every year? It is also one of the most competitive schools in the nation, public or private. Did you know that Thomson-Reuters ranked Harvard #2 worldwide for academic excellence?  It ranked a few points behind the California Institute of Technology; University of Michigan ranked 18th (which is not too shabby!). More importantly, do your parents know this?

I suggest that you gather non-biased information from reputable sources about each of your preferred schools, along with information about Harvard.  Compare and contrast each of the schools until you find what you feel is the best fit for you, and from there present the information to your parents in a logical manner, explaining to them why you feel your first choice school is the best choice for you - including the fact that a public school will fulfill your desire to interact with people of all socioeconomic levels. Remind your parents that an unhappy student is less likely to succeed in life than one who is comfortable with their surroundings.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. Did you know that President John F. Kennedy, a Harvard graduate, once called his alma mater "the [University of] Michigan of the east"?  He did!  You can Google it!


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.