Son Learns Expensive Lesson About Being A Grown-Up

Dear Tazi:

My son turned 21 this summer and, as planned, he moved out into his own apartment. The reasons were many - it was time, he had been saving for a few years, he wants to be an adult - but the biggest reason that I can see is because I do not allow alcohol in my home. My own father was an alcoholic, so my wife and I do not allow alcohol in the house. Because we do not live close to any bars and my son knows better than to drink and drive (we hope!) this left him unable to drink at all unless he had his own apartment.

"Joseph" and his best friend have found an affordable two-bedroom apartment in a working-class neighborhood that is very different from the upper-middle-class upbringing they had, but the area is populated with good people, and a Neighborhood Crime Watch group keeps the area safe. My wife and I have little to worry about when it comes to our son's safety; it is his attitude about money and worldly goods that concerns us.

We asked Joseph for his Christmas list when we saw him for Thanksgiving dinner, and he emailed it to us that weekend. My wife and I were both taken aback when we read some of the expensive items he listed. For example, Joseph needs new sneakers, which is understandable, but instead of just asking for new sneakers he listed a very expensive brand-name pair that costs over $100! He doesn't even run or play a sport! He also needs a new mobile phone, since the screen on his was shattered when he dropped it, but he is requesting the new iPhone 5 ($850!) as a replacement for his current iPhone 4. Joseph's list also contains practical items, like bed sheets, but again he asks for the best on the market - a single Ralph Lauren pillowcase is $115! The entire sheet set Joseph wants costs almost $500!

When we asked Joseph why he wants such expensive things for Christmas, he told us it was because we can afford them and he can't. Tazi, while it is true my wife and I can afford to purchase such expensive items, that does not mean that we do so on a regular basis! My sneakers are expensive, but are hardly top of the line - and I run daily! My wife and I both have smart phones, but we bought them under contract for a considerable discount; and the one set of luxury sheets I have ever bought my wife were for out 20th wedding anniversary! I like to think that after 20 years of wedded bliss she deserves a present like that! (For the record, I also bought her jewelry! She asked for the sheets, lest you think I am a jerk!).

My wife and I are united on not spending so much on single items for Joseph, preferring he earn the money to buy such things for himself rather than expect others to simply bestow such things upon him, but we differ on what to do about it. She would like to write Joseph a lump-sum check for Christmas - say, $1500 - and let him buy whatever he wants; I would rather we buy him less expensive versions of what he wants - say, a $40.00 set of sheets by Better Homes and Gardens, and a nice pair of Nike from JC Penney - and a check for $1,000. I am afraid if we give him a check and nothing else he will spend it on luxury items. At least if we give him less expensive versions of what he seeks we will be conveying the message that we don't approve of his luxury choices. Don't you think so, Tazi?

Signed,
Father Of A Big Spender

Dear Father Of A Big Spender:

I DO think so! I am so happy that you have been reading my column long enough to know how I think! Now what am I thinking?

Time's up! I'll tell you!

I am also happy to know that you bought your wife jewelry as well as new sheets for your 20th anniversary - which by the way is the China Anniversary; linen is the fourth, so you are sixteen years late! Jewelry makes up for it, though! Whoa, this catnip has me rambling...back your issue...

Has your wife explained why she just wants to hand over a check for Christmas instead of shopping for your son? Is she so upset over his gift requests that she is just plain disgusted? Is she afraid he will reject any gifts she buys that are not what he has specifically requested? Is she secretly hoping he will run out and buy those Ralph Lauren sheets so his cat can snuggle deep into the softness?

Tazi at home...

I think you should discuss with your wife her reasons for wanting to skip shopping for your son and cut him a check instead. This should help the two of you reach agreement on this matter. Personally, my larger concern is your son's reason for moving out of your home. Are you sure it was his desire to drink? If that is the case, is writing him a large check really the best idea? As a compromise, why not offer to pay his half of the rent for a few months as a Christmas gift from you and his mother? You could send the checks directly to his landlord. This way you will at least know that it is paid, and that his drinking will not lead to homelessness.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

"Control Freak" Mother Needs A New Hobby

Dear Tazi:

I love my Mom dearly, but she is the biggest control freak I know! I lived at home until I got engaged, and then I moved in with my fiancé (who is now my husband). Mom assumed that my years under her roof left me completely unprepared to run my own house, so she decided that she needed to teach me how to keep house. At first, I was grateful for the lessons in how to make a home run smoothly, but it has been five years and she still won’t let me run my own household!

Every time my Mom visits me, she feels the need to start rearranging my kitchen drawers “to make them more efficient”, refolding the bathroom towels “the right way”, and going through my pantry to “make sure everything is fresh and healthy”; she will throw out anything that is within six months of expiring and anything she feels is not healthy.  She is driving me NUTS!

If I tell Mom to sit down and relax, she will fidget like crazy – I can tell that she would much rather be reorganizing my laundry shelf than having tea with me. On days such as these mom does manage to control herself, but then a few days later I will come home from work to find that Mom has let herself in and has rearranged everything as she thinks it should look.

How can I get her to stop doing this? I organize my home in such a way that it works for me and my husband. It is not Mom’s way, but that doesn’t mean it is not the right way!

Signed,

Strangled by Apron Strings

Dear Strangled By Apron Strings:

I think your Mom needs a hobby. You lived at home well into adulthood, and I am guessing that you were the center of your mother’s attention for most of that time. Now that you are an adult who can care for herself, your Mom has a great deal of time on her hands and nothing to do with it; consequently, she is reverting to her old habit of taking care of you.

You do not mention if your mother is married, divorced, or widowed, but I am going to guess that your father is not in the picture – otherwise, she could focus all of her attention on him.  The next time that you and your Mom decide to get together for coffee, why not do so at a local coffee shop? I often see retirees and homemakers gathered at such places for coffee and conversation; it is quite possible that she will see someone she knows and be able to renew old friendships and even if she does not, she will be away from your pantry and linen closets!

To tackle the other half of your problem – your mother’s need to take care of you – I suggest that you keep her in the loop with whatever is going on in your life, and ask her opinion on various events – in your life, your community, and in the world. Your mom needs to feel both needed and valued, and asking her opinion is the best way to accomplish both. Once you have managed to keep some space between your personal areas and your Mom, you can work from there to make sure the changes stick. Suggest a class, a weekly event, or a volunteer project that can keep your mother occupied so her idle hands will not do devilish things to your home.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

When Is It Time To Stop Enabling A Person's Failure?

Dear Tazi:

I am the eldest of three children; two girls and a boy. My brother was the youngest child and I say “was” because he is no longer a child but a 40 year old man. His entire life he has acted outlandishly in an attempt to be the center of attention. Being the only boy, this may have happened in a white, two-parent family but we are black and were raised by a single Mom, and that means our experience was much different than the one Norman Rockwell presented.

Our Mom never babied any of us. She told us that in order to be successful a black person must try twice as hard as a white person and only expect to get half as far. We witnessed how hard she worked to become a successful businesswoman and my sister and I never gave her any more trouble than can be expected of two girls, and tried to give her a lot less than that. We helped out around the house without being asked because we knew that was what was expected of us and did our best in school because Mom always told us that an education is the key that will open any door. Mom is full of aphorisms like that, but through the years my sister and I have discovered the truth in them and have both managed to build solid middle class lives – maybe even upper-middle class, by some standards! My brother is another story. The man is a complete train wreck.

“Darnell” had a difficult childhood but he brought it upon himself by always trying to one-up everyone. His constant need for attention got on people’s nerves, and our Mom – who wouldn’t stand for it – would often punish him for his bad behaviors; a slap of the wrist (literally) for interrupting someone when they were talking to teach him to wait his turn, a spanking for behavior that posed a danger to himself. My sister and I both received the same punishments and learned from them, but Darnell whined that he was being singled out because “Mama likes girls better”. To this day Darnell cannot see that it is his own behavior that has kept him from experiencing success and he continues to blame our mother – and now our sister and me – for his life’s failings.

Darnell graduated high school with high hopes of becoming an actor because he wanted a stage and an audience for his antics, but discovered that most theatre production companies require that you study acting in order to compete with those who have. Darnell went to college to study theatre and dropped out – three separate times, all for reasons unrelated to things he can control (of course!). He blamed producers for not casting him, calling them racist (even though other minority actors were cast); he blamed the school for cutting off his financial aid (even though he was failing his classes); and this last time he blamed the family for “not being supportive” of his goals, claiming the disappointment he felt about us missing an opening night was enough to send him into a spiraling depression. Tazi, our Mom was in the hospital recovering from an attack of gall stones! We wanted to be by her side and were very upset with Darnell for not asking his understudy to cover for him. From our point of view the spotlight was more important to him than his own mother!

This past summer, Darnell decided that he needed to move clear across the country to Hollywood to immerse himself in the acting business. He cut me, my sister, and our Mom out of his life for discouraging this move, since he had no job waiting for him and no savings to live off of until then, but then called us when he needed money for car repairs. My Mom sent him the money in hopes that he would start talking to her again, but once the check was cashed he shut us out again.

Darnell keeps in touch with my nephew, and my nephew has told us he is worried about Darnell. He was living in his car and showering at a local homeless shelter while he looks for work, but he recently had to sell his car so now he is living in the homeless shelter, too, and saying that the experience will make him a better actor. He is claiming that it will help him to become the next Samuel L. Jackson! He doesn’t seem to realize that Samuel L. Jackson is still working quite steadily and that producers can call Mr. Jackson’s agent if they are looking for him!

Darnell has never been good at holding down a regular job, and has had more jobs than years of life so I can only imagine what his employment history must look like on paper. I am very worried about my brother and would like to ask him to come home, but I am afraid if I do that I will be on the hook for his care (since I was the one who encouraged him to come home). While I don’t mind helping him get back on his feet after this latest failure I do not want to have him living with me until success comes along, At 40 years old I think it is time to give up the dream and grow up!

I have talked to my sister about things, and she says you just have to let Darnell sleep in the bed he has made; that any attempt at helping him will backfire and you will be accused of not believing in him. I am considering writing to him to invite him home for Thanksgiving, and even offer to pay his airfare if he books it now while prices are still low. I figure once he is here maybe he won’t go back…but then I am afraid I will be stuck with him in my guest room. Before he moved, Mom was stuck with him in her basement. Now that she finally has her house back, I can’t put her through that again. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place and need an outside opinion.

Signed,

Loving Sister Or Enabling Sister?

Dear Loving Sister Or Enabling Sister?:

You can be both, you know; it isn’t an either/or situation; in fact it is because you love your brother that you seek to enable him…just not at such close range that he would actually be living with you. You mention that you and your sister took to heart your mother’s words and worked hard in school and in life to find success. This had to be a difficult task, especially since the reality of your mother’s words reflects a bitter and awkward truth in a society that likes to claim it is color blind. Could it be that these words did not inspire your brother but rather angered him? It can be difficult to find success in life when your viewpoint is colored (was that a pun?) by wrath. With every perceived slight, with every failure to accomplish his dream, your brother’s life has slipped further and further down a slope that he seeks to climb.

For purposes of length and respect for your brother’s privacy, I had to edit a lot of the details you shared but in each anecdote – as in the ones I did print – you fail to see your brother’s viewpoint. While I think he comes off as self-centered (it is rude to interrupt someone, and he could not expect your family to abandon your mother’s side while she was hospitalized) you must understand that the life of an actor is not a traditional lifestyle. Opening night is a huge deal for anyone involved in a show; to send on his understudy could have been a career-killing move in a career that is already on life support.

While I think Darnell made a hasty move by moving across the country without having any way of supporting himself, it is his life to live – not yours. Maybe this is something he needed to so for himself, and maybe the reason he cut you out of his life is because he is tired of the discouragement that he received from you, your sister, and your Mom. While it was generous of your Mom to come through for him with money for car repairs, it is not up to you to fix the dynamic between them.

If you want to see your brother for Thanksgiving, then I suggest you invite him; offer to pay his way only if he refuses on the basis of transportation costs because to do otherwise might insult him. Now that your brother has had the chance to live on his own with nobody to offer him support (financial or in-kind offers like a place to live) perhaps he will better understand the importance of following through with what is required of him – acting classes, if not a degree in theater; a polite demeanor that attracts people, as well as the ability to listen; and acceptance of the fact that not all dreams are meant to become realities. I know many actors, writers, and artists who have settled down into lucrative, paying careers who continue to do community theater and freelance work on the side. You should bring this up to him only if he talks about the trouble he is having finding work as a successful actor.

If Darnell talks about wanting to move home, let him talk and offer your opinion only if he asks for it; this way, you cannot be accused of discouraging his dreams. Suggest that he make a plan on how to make it happen first, and even offer to help him structure that plan – work, community contacts, a professional agent, etc; strike a balance between his goals and the reality that currently is.

Snuggles,

Tazi

P.S. Last week marked the 50^th anniversary of Rev. Martin Luther King Jr.’s historical “I Have A Dream” speech, which echoed sentiments expressed by the Black Sociologist W.E.B. DuBois in his book, The Souls of Black Folk (1903), "sometime, somewhere, men will judge men by their souls and not by their skins" (I mention this here because he is all but forgotten!). How far we have come towards attaining the goals expressed by Drs. DuBois and King (and countless others) I cannot say; I can only say that all peoples, regardless of color, must continue to strive towards the goal of equality for all, so that someday no mother will have to teach her child to expect less success for more effort!

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Nosy Mother Gets An Eyeful

Dear Tazi:

I am 34 years old, not married, and have been with my boyfriend over three years. I have no desire to get married or live with him because I enjoy my life just the way it is and he is perfectly happy, too. My problem is my mother; she has to be the nosiest person on Earth!

When Mom comes over to visit, she will routinely go through my mail (don't tell me to hide it; she manages to find it), rifle through my bathroom cabinets and the vanity drawers (she claims she is looking for an aspirin, which she knows I do not keep in the house due to an aspirin allergy); and search my coat pockets (she supposedly needs a cough drop, but when I offer one it is the wrong brand and/or flavor).

Last visit, Mom came by the morning after my boyfriend had spent the night. We had been intimate the night before, and we always use protection - which Mom found while rifling through my garbage because she couldn't find her reading glasses. When I asked her why she needed them, she told me that she thought she found a box of condoms in my underwear drawer (where she was looking to see if I needed new cotton briefs; I have not worn cotton briefs since I was a child).  When I told her that she had in fact found condoms, she flipped out and told me that she did not raise me this way, and went on and on about how disappointed in me she was.

Tazi, I flipped out on her. I have had it with her snooping and I told her that if she had not been snooping through my stuff she would not have come across anything that displeased her. I told her that I am a grown woman, not a child, and that I am in a committed relationship and that I will have sex if I choose to have it. Mom got very upset and left my house without saying goodbye. Shortly thereafter, I got a call from my father asking me what I did to make my mother so upset; she had come home in tears, wailing about how she was a failure as a mother.

When I told my father - the edited version - of how Mom had been snooping again and did not like what she had found, he sympathized with me but told me that she is still my mother and that I should have respected her and that I should apologize to her for upsetting her! I told my father I would not apologize, that had mother not been abusing my privacy she would never have gotten upset and that I am the one who is owed an apology. Things have deteriorated from there...

The next day I got a call from Mom's priest asking me if I had anything to confess; I hung up on him. My boyfriend is just rolling his eyes at the whole situation and suggesting that the next time I stay at his place; my father thinks the whole situation is ridiculous but is pressuring me to apologize to Mom to keep the peace, and Mom is not speaking to me since I hung up on the priest.

The summer is here, and parties will be occurring all season long. I would like to put all of this behind me so I can enjoy the summer with my family, but I just don't know how!

Signed,
Sexually Active Adult

Dear Sexually Active Adult:

You may be an adult, but to your mother you are still her little girl - which is why she wants to see you in Fruit of the Loom and not Victoria's Secret. Since you are an adult woman living on your own you have every right to demand privacy from your mother's snooping. This is only half the issue, though.

Only kitties are sexy enough to rock the tighty whities!

Personally, I do not think she was at all shocked at finding a box of condoms (and their used remains) in your apartment; I think this is what she has been snooping for all along, and so long as she found none she could continue to live in her fantasy world where you are still her little girl. I do not believe that you owe your mother an apology for how you choose to live your life; I do believe that you owe her an apology for flying off the handle at her and that she owes you an apology for invading your privacy.

Since it appears that you will have to be the bigger person here, I suggest you call your mother to let her know that you would like to clear the air between the two of you. Tell her that she is not a failure as a parent and point out all of the ways in which her parenting has helped you to become a successful, independent, woman. If she insists on harping on your sex life, tell her that the subject is off-limits. I sincerely doubt that this is a subject she will want to bring up at parties when people ask why the two of you are not speaking, so gently remind her of this fact.

When you feel ready to mollify both of your parents by apologizing for losing your temper with your mother then do it - do not offer an insincere apology just to get it out of the way. If you are having trouble reaching this point remind yourself that whenever we lose our temper with someone, we lose more than just our self-control; we lose the respect of those who witness it. Tell your mother that when she is ready to offer an apology for invading your privacy that you are ready to accept it - and mean it. Family counseling may help both of you reach this point in time to enjoy a summer full of fun celebrations.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.