Merry Christmas, Dear Readers!

Dear Readers:

Today is Christmas, and I wanted to wish you all a very merry one!

My Mommie brought me home a huge haul of loot! A new food dish, a new collar, some new toys, a big bag of organic catnip (because I ate the plant she was growing me), TWO big bags of my favorite cat cereal, a GIANT box of my favorite litter, and a MEGA bag of my favorite treats, along with a few other things. I am truly a blessed kitty, because in addition to all of this, she continues to give me a warm and happy home at a time when many people are turning their beloved pets in to the shelters because they cannot afford to keep them - or worse, abandoning them to the streets. How lucky can one kitty get?

My hope for all who celebrate is that your Christmas is as wonderful as mine; and that you remember to share the love with those who have less. (I plan on giving snuggles to all who come to visit me, even though they claim that they are there to see the humans! I think we all know that is just pretense!).

Snuggles,
Tazi

How Soon Is "Too Soon" To Give A Gift Of Jewelry?

Dear Tazi-Kat:

I have been dating a woman I will call "Annabelle" for about six weeks, and I am absolutely crazy about her, but I am not certain how she feels about me. She seems to like me, but I just don't feel like I am a priority in her life - at least not the way she is in mine. Christmas is a few months away, and I would like to buy her a nice gift; but I am unsure exactly what kind of gift I should get her.

I am considering buying Annabelle a gift that expresses how I feel about her, like a nice piece of jewelry - obviously not a ring (not yet) but a tennis bracelet or a pair of gemstone earrings would let her know just how much I care about her, and how deeply invested I am in the relationship. On the other hand, I am afraid that giving such an extravagant gift might frighten her away, which is the last thing I want; but I don't want her to think I am not interested, either. Should I wait until Valentine's Day to buy her something expensive, and just go with something a little more generic - like a sweater - for Christmas?

Signed,
Sighing Over Annabelle

Dear Sighing:

Traditional rules of etiquette state that it is inappropriate for a woman to accept jewelry from any man to whom she is not related, with the exception of an engagement ring. Some women still subscribe to this point of view, and will gracefully refuse such a gift; while others will accept anything shiny and sparkly, regardless of who is offering it. I would say that most women fall somewhere in between these two extremes.

According to the MySears.com gift-giving guide, it is not proper to give jewelry to a woman you have been seeing for less than three months and, as you have safely assumed, it is never a smart move to give a ring as a gift - even a gemstone ring - unless you are proposing to her or she is under the explicit understanding that it is not - or is, if that is the case - an engagement ring.

Since you are uncertain as to the level of commitment Annabelle is feeling towards you, jewelry should be out of the question until this question has been settled. Do not pressure her for an answer that she may not be ready - or even able, at this early point - to give; rather, allow the relationship to develop in its own time.

In the meantime, if you wish to purchase Annabelle a Christmas gift, try for something more personal than a DVD but less personal than jewelry. A sweater, as you suggested, might be seen as a little personal; as it would require knowing Annabelle's "sizes", and this is not information most women willingly reveal. For a personal gift with meaning, why not consider Annabelle's interests? If she likes to read, you could purchase her a nicely bound edition of something by her favorite author. If she likes music, an iPod shuffle is a thoughtful gift. Be creative, without breaking your bank account; and keep in mind that Annabelle may not be as serious about you as you are about her, so try not to be disappointed if she fails to reciprocate. In the immortal words of The Fonz, "Christmas is for giving, not for trading".

Snuggles,
Tazi

Husband Wants "Booty Drawers" For Christmas

Dear Tazi:

Why is it okay for women to shop at places like Fredrick's of Hollywood, but when guys want to buy something from their men's line women immediately think they are gay or looking to cheat?

This year past, I went on a reduced-carb diet and took up CrossFit training. I lost over 70 pounds and went from paunchy to fly. To celebrate my new look, I asked my wife to buy me some booty-drawers style underwear that hug my frame. You know what I mean, right? Here's a link to a pair I have in mind:

Photo courtesy of the writer

My wife gave me a funny look and asked me why I would want to wear "gay man's underwear". I told her that booty drawers aren't just for gay men; that they are for hot men everywhere, and now that I had the look I wanted to show it off for her. She told me she was fine with my regular boxer briefs that she buys for me at Walmart and that if I need new underwear she will pick some up for me on her next trip. Tazi, my ego was crushed.

I let the matter slide, but when my wife came home with underwear from Walmart today I again told her that I wanted some booty drawers, and that maybe "Santa" could bring me some. I tried telling her that if he did, she would be getting something in return. Her eyes brightened and she said, "that pasta pot from Williams-Sonoma?" She was serious.

I reminded my wife that I don't eat pasta, and she got very upset, asking me if I am looking to have an affair since I seem so eager to show off my new form. I told her I want to show it off for her, but she didn't seem convinced. Tazi, I want to be the guy who gets the appreciative stares when he walks down the street. I want my wife to want everyone to give her jealous looks because I am with her! Booty drawers will show off my gluteal definition like boxer briefs just can't. Why can't she understand this? I think it's because she has always looked hot, but when I try to tell her that she tells me that flattery will not work on her. What will?

Signed,
No Longer Fat

Dear No Longer Fat:

Is your wife talking about the 8-quart multi-purpose pot with draining insert? I can see why her eyes brightened over the idea of receiving this!!

Chef's porn...

While your desire for "booty drawers" is bound to raise some eyebrows, your reasoning behind it is understandable. Whereas you have lost weight, it seems you have yet to find your self-esteem. I am not sure it exists in a pair of booty drawers. Are you sure that looking good for your wife is all you want? What if you do not get the reaction you crave from her? Would you be able to resist those appreciative glances that are thrown your way when she is not by your side?

I am not of the mind that one partner should have veto power over what the other partner wears in public, but I do not believe that a partner should have to buy something that they do not want the other partner to wear. If you want to wear booty drawers, you should go out and buy yourself some booty drawers. However, don't be surprised if your wife is upset that you spent all sorts of money on something nobody but she (and the guys in the gym locker room) are going to see!

I think that you and your wife should have a talk about the reasons behind your desire to show off your behind. Has it occurred to you that your wife has always thought you were "fly"? Have you thought that maybe she does not want other women throwing appreciative glances at her man - especially in her presence? While it is nice to know that others find you attractive, it is disrespectful to your partner for others to express that appreciation in front of her. I am not suggesting you wear a niqab or a burka in public; just that you exercise a little discretion and not advertise in the front window what is not for sale in the store!

 A few sessions with a health and fitness counselor may be able to help you adjust to the new feelings you are having about your looks and how to handle them in such a way that does not upset those you love.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Son Learns Expensive Lesson About Being A Grown-Up

Dear Tazi:

My son turned 21 this summer and, as planned, he moved out into his own apartment. The reasons were many - it was time, he had been saving for a few years, he wants to be an adult - but the biggest reason that I can see is because I do not allow alcohol in my home. My own father was an alcoholic, so my wife and I do not allow alcohol in the house. Because we do not live close to any bars and my son knows better than to drink and drive (we hope!) this left him unable to drink at all unless he had his own apartment.

"Joseph" and his best friend have found an affordable two-bedroom apartment in a working-class neighborhood that is very different from the upper-middle-class upbringing they had, but the area is populated with good people, and a Neighborhood Crime Watch group keeps the area safe. My wife and I have little to worry about when it comes to our son's safety; it is his attitude about money and worldly goods that concerns us.

We asked Joseph for his Christmas list when we saw him for Thanksgiving dinner, and he emailed it to us that weekend. My wife and I were both taken aback when we read some of the expensive items he listed. For example, Joseph needs new sneakers, which is understandable, but instead of just asking for new sneakers he listed a very expensive brand-name pair that costs over $100! He doesn't even run or play a sport! He also needs a new mobile phone, since the screen on his was shattered when he dropped it, but he is requesting the new iPhone 5 ($850!) as a replacement for his current iPhone 4. Joseph's list also contains practical items, like bed sheets, but again he asks for the best on the market - a single Ralph Lauren pillowcase is $115! The entire sheet set Joseph wants costs almost $500!

When we asked Joseph why he wants such expensive things for Christmas, he told us it was because we can afford them and he can't. Tazi, while it is true my wife and I can afford to purchase such expensive items, that does not mean that we do so on a regular basis! My sneakers are expensive, but are hardly top of the line - and I run daily! My wife and I both have smart phones, but we bought them under contract for a considerable discount; and the one set of luxury sheets I have ever bought my wife were for out 20th wedding anniversary! I like to think that after 20 years of wedded bliss she deserves a present like that! (For the record, I also bought her jewelry! She asked for the sheets, lest you think I am a jerk!).

My wife and I are united on not spending so much on single items for Joseph, preferring he earn the money to buy such things for himself rather than expect others to simply bestow such things upon him, but we differ on what to do about it. She would like to write Joseph a lump-sum check for Christmas - say, $1500 - and let him buy whatever he wants; I would rather we buy him less expensive versions of what he wants - say, a $40.00 set of sheets by Better Homes and Gardens, and a nice pair of Nike from JC Penney - and a check for $1,000. I am afraid if we give him a check and nothing else he will spend it on luxury items. At least if we give him less expensive versions of what he seeks we will be conveying the message that we don't approve of his luxury choices. Don't you think so, Tazi?

Signed,
Father Of A Big Spender

Dear Father Of A Big Spender:

I DO think so! I am so happy that you have been reading my column long enough to know how I think! Now what am I thinking?

Time's up! I'll tell you!

I am also happy to know that you bought your wife jewelry as well as new sheets for your 20th anniversary - which by the way is the China Anniversary; linen is the fourth, so you are sixteen years late! Jewelry makes up for it, though! Whoa, this catnip has me rambling...back your issue...

Has your wife explained why she just wants to hand over a check for Christmas instead of shopping for your son? Is she so upset over his gift requests that she is just plain disgusted? Is she afraid he will reject any gifts she buys that are not what he has specifically requested? Is she secretly hoping he will run out and buy those Ralph Lauren sheets so his cat can snuggle deep into the softness?

Tazi at home...

I think you should discuss with your wife her reasons for wanting to skip shopping for your son and cut him a check instead. This should help the two of you reach agreement on this matter. Personally, my larger concern is your son's reason for moving out of your home. Are you sure it was his desire to drink? If that is the case, is writing him a large check really the best idea? As a compromise, why not offer to pay his half of the rent for a few months as a Christmas gift from you and his mother? You could send the checks directly to his landlord. This way you will at least know that it is paid, and that his drinking will not lead to homelessness.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Repost: Child Asks Not For Herself, But For Others This Christmas

[Ed. Note: This is a re-post of a column that ran last December. Please remember the needy during this time of giving!]

Dear Tazi:

I am seven years old and live in Rhode Island, just like you!  My Nana is helping me write this letter because I type slow.

Last year at Christmas, Mommy and Daddy were both not working and they fought a lot about how to spend money.  Mommie told me that even though Santa brings us gifts, he asks that people give donations to help him with the cost of the stuff it takes to make the presents. She said that we didn't have enough money to give any to Santa, so there would not be as many presents from him as usual.  At first I was really sad, but then I was happy!  On Christmas morning I saw that Santa had come to my house anyway, even though Mommy and Daddy could not give him any money!  There were small presents from Mommy and Daddy, and a BIG one from Santa!

Daddy told me that Santa has a special bank account that people can put money into so Santa can afford to make presents for people who do not have any money, so nobody is left out at Christmas!  Daddy showed it to me in the newspaper and everything, so I know it is real! There was a picture of Santa's elves on it and everything!  They were standing with some people called Marines. Today, I was looking for the funnies because I like to read Garfield and I saw the picture of someone who was dressed like the Marines in the picture I saw last Christmas, and they were collecting gifts for Santa to give to kids whose parents can't afford to help Santa with the cost of gifts.

I don't think everybody knows about what these Marine people do to help Santa, because Santa had to put a message in the paper asking for donations.  I can't afford to give a whole toy, so I am going to give my allowance instead!  Could you tell people about it in your Ask Tazi! column?  Everybody in the whole world reads it, so I know that lots of people will see it and want to help Santa help parents help kids get Christmas presents.  Thank you, Tazi for helping the Marines and Santa bring Christmas to everybody!

Love,
Madison

P.S. Do you like Garfield?  He is a fat kitty!

Dear Madison:

It sounds to me like you are talking about the United States Marine Corps Toys for Tots program!  This is a wonderful program that accepts donations to help Santa with the cost of making toys, feeding his reindeer (they eat a lot!), caring for the elves, and taking Mrs. Claus on a Florida vacation every January!

Mrs. Claus needs a break, too, you know!

Santa gives away as much stuff as possible for free, but sometimes even Santa needs help! That is why he set up a special bank account so people can give help to people who cannot afford to help.  Wasn't that smart of Santa?  You are a very generous young girl to want to give your allowance to help!

Although everybody in the whole world doesn't read my column, I do have a lot of readers!  I am printing your letter so they can see how happy their past generosity has made one child (you!) and hoping that they will consider a donation to Toys for Tots this Christmas!  A lot of people don't know that they can make a donation to Santa's special bank account!  They think you have to buy an entire toy!  Thank you, Madison, for helping me spread the word!  Readers, here is the link to the Marine Corps Toys for Tots secure donation page:

Click Here

to donate to the U.S. Marine Corps Toys for Tots Program

Readers, if you are struggling this holiday season, you can also request a toy from Toys for Tots to ensure that your children are not left out during this season of giving.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. to Madison: Yes, I do like Garfield!  He is the original cool kitty! --T.K.


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Child Asks Not For Herself, But For Others This Christmas

Dear Tazi:

I am seven years old and live in Rhode Island, just like you!  My Nana is helping me write this letter because I type slow.

Last year at Christmas, Mommy and Daddy were both not working and they fought a lot about how to spend money.  Mommie told me that even though Santa brings us gifts, he asks that people give donations to help him with the cost of the stuff it takes to make the presents. She said that we didn't have enough money to give any to Santa, so there would not be as many presents from him as usual.  At first I was really sad, but then I was happy!  On Christmas morning I saw that Santa had come to my house anyway, even though Mommy and Daddy could not give him any money!  There were small presents from Mommy and Daddy, and a BIG one from Santa!

Daddy told me that Santa has a special bank account that people can put money into so Santa can afford to make presents for people who do not have any money, so nobody is left out at Christmas!  Daddy showed it to me in the newspaper and everything, so I know it is real! There was a picture of Santa's elves on it and everything!  They were standing with some people called Marines. Today, I was looking for the funnies because I like to read Garfield and I saw the picture of someone who was dressed like the Marines in the picture I saw last Christmas, and they were collecting gifts for Santa to give to kids whose parents can't afford to help Santa with the cost of gifts.

I don't think everybody knows about what these Marine people do to help Santa, because Santa had to put a message in the paper asking for donations.  I can't afford to give a whole toy, so I am going to give my allowance instead!  Could you tell people about it in your Ask Tazi! column?  Everybody in the whole world reads it, so I know that lots of people will see it and want to help Santa help parents help kids get Christmas presents.  Thank you, Tazi for helping the Marines and Santa bring Christmas to everybody!

Love,
Madison

P.S. Do you like Garfield?  He is a fat kitty!

Dear Madison:

It sounds to me like you are talking about the United States Marine Corps Toys for Tots program!  This is a wonderful program that accepts donations to help Santa with the cost of making toys, feeding his reindeer (they eat a lot!), caring for the elves, and taking Mrs. Claus on a Florida vacation every January!

Mrs. Claus needs a break, too, you know!

Santa gives away as much stuff as possible for free, but sometimes even Santa needs help! That is why he set up a special bank account so people can give help to people who cannot afford to help.  Wasn't that smart of Santa?  You are a very generous young girl to want to give your allowance to help!

Although everybody in the whole world doesn't read my column, I do have a lot of readers!  I am printing your letter so they can see how happy their past generosity has made one child (you!) and hoping that they will consider a donation to Toys for Tots this Christmas!  A lot of people don't know that they can make a donation to Santa's special bank account!  They think you have to buy an entire toy!  Thank you, Madison, for helping me spread the word!  Readers, here is the link to the Marine Corps Toys for Tots secure donation page:

Click Here

to donate to the U.S. Marine Corps Toys for Tots Program

Readers, if you are struggling this holiday season, you can also request a toy from Toys for Tots to ensure that your children are not left out during this season of giving.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. to Madison: Yes, I do like Garfield!  He is the original cool kitty! --T.K.

P.S. to my Jewish readers: Wishing you a Happy Festival of Lights!!


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Replacing a Destroyed Elf On The Shelf Requires Delicate Manuvering

Dear Tazi-Kat:

I am one of those Elf on the Shelf Moms that people make fun of online (but never to my face...hmmmm, I wonder why? Could they secretly be jealous of the time I have to spend with my child?). I love the look of utter joy on my young daughter's face when her Elf, "Blue", shows up for the holiday season; and the excitement with which she bounds out of bed every morning to look for him. Unfortunately, "Madison's" joy turned to horror a few days before Christmas when she woke to discover that our basset hound "Barney" had gotten a hold of Blue and turned him into a chew toy. Blue's destruction was complete - torn limbs, puncture marks, the whole nine yards. Blue now sits in a shoe-box while I decide what to do with his remains.

Madison's Christmas was spoiled by the destruction of her dear, sweet Elf; and she has spent the last few days angry with Barney, calling him a "bad dog" every time she sees him. Barney is not a bad dog; in fact, it is my fault for putting Blue on a low shelf where Barney could reach him. My daughter is only six-years-old, and I do not wish to use this experience to discuss death with her; but I don't know what else I can do to give her the closure she so obviously needs. Also, I would like to continue our Elf on the Shelf tradition next year; but I am not certain she will warm up to a new Elf, considering the traumatic fate of this one. I have considered taking Madison to a child psychologist to discuss her feelings, but my husband says that if I go that far than I am the one who "needs to get their head examined". He suggests we let bygones be bygones and just get a new Elf. We agreed to seek the advice of a neutral third party, and I was going to write to the advice columnist in my local newspaper when a friend showed me your column. So here I am, writing to you for advice. Please help.

Signed,
Elf-less Mom

Dear Elf-less:

As a cat, I love small things that move around - like the Elf on the Shelf - so I can see why your Barney decided that Blue was a good choice of playmate. I can also understand how your daughter would be upset over the loss of her beloved Elf; however, to equate its loss with human death is taking things a tad too far, to put it mildly. Children are resilient, and with a little creativity you can continue this lovely tradition with Madison while at the same time teaching her forgiveness (for the sake of the dog).

Since Madison believes that the Elf is magical, I think you should work from there. Start by writing a letter to Madison from Blue, telling her that he returned to Santa's North Pole Workshop a few days early so he could recover from his wrestling match with Barney. Have Blue apologize for giving her such a scare; but boys will be boys and he just couldn't resist a tussle with the dog! Tell her he hopes that he didn't hurt Barney too badly, and that his fur will cover any bruises he may have given the dog.

Come February or March, write another letter to Madison from her Elf. In the letter, have Blue tell Madison that he has "completely recovered" from his wrestling match with Barney, and with the help of Santa's magic and a good plastic surgeon he bears not a single scar. Also mention that Mrs. Claus sewed him a brand new outfit to replace the one he damaged while playing (you can also mention that he was scolded for ruining his good Elf outfit).

Now, for the most important step in this whole plan: Buy a new Elf on the Shelf for next year and let Madison think that Blue has returned, as good as new. As she grows older, the magic of the Elf will fade for Madison, but the memories you create for her - and the lessons you teach - will remain.

-- Tazi-Kat

P.S. I don't think people are jealous of the time you get to spend with your child; just tired of the pressure put upon them to be what society deems "perfect" parents.

Big thanks to People I Want to Punch In the Throat for writing and posting the funniest "Elf hater" essay ever! TK

Liar Puts Self In A Gift-Giving Bind

Dear Tazi-Kat:

I know you are going to think I am a selfish beast, but hear me out first, okay? Every Christmas, without fail, my sister and her husband outspend me on gifts for our mother - and not just by a little; they spend roughly twice what I spend, sometimes more. Plus, their gifts are always incredibly thoughtful while also being practical. For example, last year they got my mother a 1 year gift-subscription to Netflix and a Blu-Ray player with Wi-Fi because she enjoys movies but doesn't always have the time or money to see them while they are in theaters; I bought Mom a new toaster oven because she had mentioned she needed one, and I felt like an idiot because my sister's gift was so much cooler – and more expensive.

This year, money was a bit tight for me because I will be taking an 11-day trip to the Caribbean in January. It is expensive, but it is a singles' cruise and I am hoping to meet someone. I am considering the expense an investment in my future. For Christmas this year, I bought Mother a Yankee Candle - one of the big jar candles, because I know she likes candles, and Yankee candles are expensive compared to other brands. I figured that since the economy has been bad and my brother-in-law's business has been slow, my sister and husband would not be spending as much on gifts this year, but I was wrong. They bought Mom a new Lane reclining chaise lounge for the living room to replace her old, worn-out and stained one. Granted, it was a floor-sample that they got for 50%-off, but it matches my mother's decor perfectly; and of course, Mom loves it. Embarrassed, I lied and told my mother that the rest of her gift was part of the Christmas week Best Buy back-order cancellation that made the news last week, and that it would be coming in after the holidays; that the gift I was giving her today (I am writing this Christmas night) was just so she would have something to open.

My problem is I have no idea what to get my Mom that will top my sister's gift! The money I have saved is set aside for entertainment when I go on my cruise next month; but if I don't come through with something amazing, everyone will know that I lied. From reading your column, I know how you feel about lying, but I am hoping you will help me anyway! Do you have any gift ideas that will not break my budget? Something that would be reasonable to believe was back-ordered? Oh, and can you please bump my letter to the top of your letters list? I really need a quick answer!

Signed,
Up A Tree

P.S. I have asked my sister to spend less on Mom's gift, but she just looked at me and pointed out that we have similar household incomes and she has to buy for her in-laws, as well. Left unsaid was the fact that she thinks I am cheap! Grrrrr!!!!!

Dear Up A Tree:

Have you considered the fact that maybe you are being cheap with your Mother? Think about it: you are about to lay out approximately $3000 on a cruise for yourself, and you spent less than 1% of that amount on the woman who birthed and raised you. Where I come from, there is NOTHING that is too good for a Mommie! The time has come to put your sibling rivalry aside and put your Mama first! I am bumping your letter to the top of my queue not in approval of your request, but because I am thinking of your Mama and the disappointment she will feel if she discovers your lie. You had better hope that she is not reading this letter, because I did not change a single detail to protect your identity!

Since you seem adamant about not cutting into your cruise entertainment money, and you told your Mom a very specific lie about her back-ordered gift, my regular ideas for gifts (year-round lawn care services, car tune-up, theater tickets, etc.) will not work. I suggest that you start trolling Best Buy for a sweet deal on a 42-inch or larger HDTV (as these made up the bulk of the back-ordered items) so your Mama can enjoy a movie theatre-like experience with her Netflix subscription. I would also suggest you pay for it with the money you were planning on spending on alcohol and other entertainments during next month's cruise; but if you cannot bring yourself to suck it up, Best Buy offers reasonable financing plans - something I also frown upon; but in for a penny in for a pound, I suppose.

-- Tazi-Kat

P.S. No snuggles for you!