A Cat's Perspective Can Answer A Lot Of Questions

Dear Tazi:

I have a cat and he is driving me crazy. "Russel" is five years old and no longer a kitten, but he constantly wants my attention whenever I am busy doing something else! If I am just sitting there, Russel is nowhere to be found, but as soon as I fire up my laptop; grab the newspaper; or worst of all sit down on the toilet he shows up out of nowhere and wants to jump on top of me.

Yesterday I got upset with Russel for climbing all over me during the Patriots game and I shoved him to the floor. Tazi, this cat looked at me like I was some kind of evil. I felt badly and scooped him up to sit with me, which turns out is all that he wanted anyway. I know you have a close relationship with your "Mommie" and was wondering if you could tell me how I could learn to have that kind of relationship with my cat. You see, my girlfriend wants to get married and have kids someday, and I'm thinking if I can't handle a cat there is no way I am going to be able to handle kids. I love my girl and don't want to disappoint her.

Signed,
Impatient Cat Owner

Dear Impatient Cat Owner:

Your problem rests in your signature - you do not own a cat; nobody actually owns a cat, they simply share a home with their cat, who has generously agreed to stay on in return for food, shelter, toys, and your undivided attention at all times (even when we are nowhere in sight).

Don't try to fight it, man...

In all seriousness, cats are not dogs and cannot be expected to act as such. I suggest you start to take notice of exactly when Russell comes out of nowhere and jumps up on you. You say it is whenever you are busy doing something, but that is not how it looks to Russel. Think about it...while you are on your laptop computer; while you are reading the newspaper; while you are on the toilet. What do these three activities have in common? I mean aside from the fact that you use the two former to keep you occupied while on the latter! The point I am trying to make is that you are sitting down during all three of these activities. From Russel's point of view you are not busy at all; you are just sitting there...ignoring him.

As you noticed while watching your football game, all Russel wanted was to be held - not to go for a walk on a leash (ugh!); not to play fetch with a tennis ball; not to do any number of things that dogs do; he just wanted a cuddle. Try giving your kitty a cuddle the next time he gets up in your grill and see what happens.

No. Just...no.

I think it says a lot about you that you are looking ahead to when you have children, and wondering if your lack of patience with your cat is a reflection on your parenting skills. While I cannot answer this (a child is not a cat) I do think your behavior is a reflection on your ability to make time for those around you. My Mommie and I are so close because we carve out time for each other. At the end of the day when all of her work is done and she is ready for bed, I jump on top of her for a cuddle to help her sleep. During the course of the day, we speak to each other with great regularity.

The next time Russel meows at you, talk to him! Cats do not meow at other cats, you know; we meow to communicate with our humans! The more you talk to him, the more loved he will feel, and if you carve out some one-on-one time with him you will find your cat-human interactions less disrupting, with Russel leaving you free to do your business. Catnip toys, a cat condo, or even an empty cardboard box will also fill Russel's desire for attention. Like a child, cats need toys; be a good Daddy and provide!

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Tazi Talks About The Neutered Life

Dear Tazi:

My husband and I are having a disagreement, and since it involves our cat we thought we should ask you to offer a solution.  “Roger” and I have adopted the most adorable tabby cat I have ever seen.  I love him so much, and am so afraid of anything bad happening to him.  I do not want to let him outside, but I know that he will eventually want to explore what you call the wide world beyond the fence.  In order to keep “Tigger” from wandering I would like to have him neutered.  I think this step would be in his best interest, but Roger is adamantly opposed to the idea.  He claims that neutering is not necessary and is demeaning to the animal.

Tazi, you have mentioned in the past that you are neutered.  Do you or your Mommie regret having this operation done?  Can you educate my husband on the importance of neutering pets?

Signed,

Tigger’s Mommy

Dear Tigger’s Mommy:

I had no say in my operation; I was a rescue cat and by law I needed to be neutered.  I was “fixed” before I reached sexual maturity, so I really do not miss my testicles one bit.  I do wish that Mommie had sprung for the extra cost of laser surgery/vasectomy as opposed to full castration, but that is only because people now think I am a girl.  I think this might be what Roger means when he says neutering is demeaning to the animal.  Because I have been “altered” I cannot be entered into cat shows, either.  I, however, have this column as a way to share my beauty with the world! 

In a more serious vein, neutering (or spaying) your pet is one of the best things you can do for them!  Not only do you eliminate the potential for reproductive cancers; you eliminate the potential that your pet will reproduce, adding to them stray animal problem in your community.  The tortures of being a stray animal are far worse than the temporary discomfort of sterilization surgery. 

Me in Atlantic City, just chillin' with my feral peeps!

Other potential benefits from neutering your male cat should be attractive to both you and your husband.  Neutered cats do not wander nearly as much or as often as un-neutered cats – we have no reason to chase after the ladies – nor do we spray as much, since we do not feel the need to act as competitive as an un-neutered cat.  Neutered cats are also much less aggressive than un-neutered cats, around both humans as well as other cats.  A neutered Tigger will be much less likely to challenge Roger for the role of dominant male of the house!

Write-In "Tazi for President" in 2012!

In short, unless you are planning on breeding Tigger, I see no reason why he should not be neutered.  The lady cats love neutered males!

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Custody Battle Over The Pet Requires Special Considerations

Dear Tazi:

You are a cat and your Mommie that you often speak of is a cat owner, so I am writing for your opinion on a very upsetting matter. My wife, "Monica" has decided that our marriage of eight years is no longer worth fighting for and she has left me. She has told me I can keep the apartment, but she wants to take the cat with her. I absolutely refuse to allow her to take "Boots" from me. I was the one who brought Boots home from the litter, so even though he is the family cat I feel that I have that claim on him. Plus, my wife is the one leaving; why should Boots suffer the stress of being uprooted from the only home he has ever known?

"Monica" thinks I am being a jerk (what else is new) and is demanding custody of Boots, saying that he loves her best and would want to come with her; that if he could say anything other than "meow" he would say he wants to live with her. She claims to know this because she has a "psychic connection" with Boots.

In order to keep Monica from stealing Boots, I have informed the landlord that she has moved off the property, and taken her name off of the lease. This is something she needed to do anyway, in order to attain a new lease on a new apartment, so I wasn't being a [censored] as she claims. She was also required to turn in her keys, but I know that she had a secret spare set. When I informed the landlord of this, he changed the locks so she could not enter the property when I am not home. I will not have her kidnapping Boots!

Monica has discovered that the locks were changed and is throwing a fit. I KNEW she would try to steal Boots; she claims she was stopping by to see if she had mail and that I was wrong to change the locks and to accuse her of attempted catnapping. She is threatening to sue me for both a divorce and custody of Boots.

Tazi, Boots is very close to the both of us. It has only been two weeks since Monica left, and we both miss her so much. Boots has been looking for extra affection during this time, so I am starting to wonder if sending him to live with Monica would be best for him. Do you think a shared custody arrangement would work? All I want is what is best for my cat. Monica and I have no children, so Boots is all I have now. Do you think I could win custody in a court battle?

Signed,
Bootsie's Poppy

Dear Bootsie's Poppy:

Is Boots a show cat of some kind? Or is he an American Short Hair, like me? This distinction is what the court systems in most states look at when deciding who gets the pets in a divorce. Sadly, we are seen as nothing more than property; if our cash value is negligible the courts will usually refuse to rule on the matter. Of course, cash value means nothing when it comes to the love between a pet and its human companion; there is no way to put a price on something like that!

I realize that both you and Monica love Boots and can understand the need for extra snuggles during this period of adjustment. Perhaps you could allow Monica to have supervised visitation until you decide how to handle full-time custody of Boots? Paw to God, I know one couple that worked out their marital woes this way because neither one wanted to give up custody of their cat, "Baby". Lucky kitty! He didn't have to move!

If there is one thing cats hate more than anything it is moving. A human can simply pick up their stuff and go; for a cat, it is not that simple, not to mention most humans refuse to pack our treasured belongings. (When I moved, you should have seen the look on my Mommie's face when I asked her to pack the decomposing chipmunk I had been saving in the crawl space!) A cat's home is its territory. A cat knows all the secret places where he can hide (like the aforementioned crawl space); has a favorite napping place (the crawlspace); and has an understanding with the other cats in the area about where his territory ends and where theirs begins. Even an indoor cat has a certain outdoor radius that they consider theirs (generally several feet from their favorite window, in either direction).

Nobody likes to be the new kid on the block, and cats don't make new friends very easily; so moving them from this carefully balanced system can stress them in ways that can take weeks or even months to fully recover. Because of this, I would ask Monica to please consider Boots' needs and to put them before her own. If she insists on a court custody battle, please advocate for Boots and not yourself. That is the sign of the true love a human has for his or her four-legged companion.

Snuggles to you and Boots,
Tazi

P.S. If Monica insists on taking Boots with her before custody can be legally decided, pack all of his things in order to make the move easier on him. Be sure to include his favorite napping blankets, his kitty bed, his feeding dishes, and the rotting animal he probably has hidden under your bed. Something tells me you will especially enjoy packing that one. --T.K.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

A Plea From The Cat: Not The Carrier AGAIN!

Dear Tazi:

My name is Kitty-Cat and I am a seven-year-old tabby. I like to think that I am very healthy! I have a glossy coat and keep myself clean; I like to play and am very energetic; and I sleep about as much as any other cat. We kitties need our beauty sleep, right? I have a loving family, and am a very happy cat! So why am I writing to you?

My Mommy is what my Daddy calls a hypochondriac. That is a big long word that meaning she thinks that there is always some kind of illness that needs to be treated. Mommy is forever taking me to the vet because she thinks something is wrong with me. If I sneeze, I get shoved in the cat carrier and taken to the vet; if I spend too much time sleeping in the warm sun it’s into the cat carrier and off to the vet; if I throw up it’s into the cat carrier and off to the vet! Considering how much we cats love to barf, you can imagine how much time I spend at the vet! I want to plea, "Not the carrier AGAIN!" but Mommy does not understand my meows and hisses.

Daddy says that Mommy is overreacting, and I think she is, too. I know that she cares about me and that is why she is always taking me to the doctor, but Daddy is starting to complain about all of the bills. Mommy says that we can afford it – and we can, but that is not the point. Daddy says I should not have to go to the vet once a week and he is wondering why the vet keeps seeing me as a patient. He thinks the vet has found a “sucker” and is “milking it for all she’s worth”.

I do not like to think that my Mommy is being taken advantage of by my vet. Can you think of a way to let her know that I am a happy and healthy kitty without always having to go to the vet? I would much rather not have to get into that awful cat carrier, and I would prefer to take the money she spends and buy a new cat condominium for my play room!

Signed,

Kitty-Cat

Dear Kitty-Cat:

I always enjoy hearing from a fellow feline! I am so glad you wrote! Like you, I enjoy long naps in the warm sun, playtime, keeping my fur clean, and of course making large and glorious barfs in the middle of the living room floor!

I actually prefer the hardwoods. Makes for more slipperies.

I cannot imagine what it must be like to get stuffed into a cat carrier on a regular basis, or be taken to the vet every week! Twice a year is already too much for me! It is obvious that your Mommy is very scared that something bad is going to happen to you. Did something happen in her past to make her so overprotective? She may want to take the money she is spending on vet bills and use it to pay for some professional counseling for herself. Getting to the root of her fear will do you both wonders!

I also suggest that you ask your Mommy to try a different vet. If your vet is examining you – and charging her – every time you walk through the door and has not said anything about the excessive visits, it could be that this office is using your Mommy’s fears to line their own pockets. I know when I was making excessive barfs, my Mommy took me to the vet’s office and they did not even charge her! They gave her a free sample of some kind of kitty treat that was supposed to help with my hairballs and stop the frequency of my barfs; a good vet knows their patients, and will not look to take advantage of an overprotective parent. Try the ASPCA website for a referral near you.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

When Is A Dog Not A Dog? When It Is A Wolf!

Dear Tazi:

My sister, “Frances” has always been the type to “rescues” animals. I do not mean taking in an occasional stray dog or cat, although she does that, too; I mean going to the pet store and buying up all of the feeder animals (fish, mice, crickets, etc.) and freeing them. Frances also goes to the animal shelter to frequently adopt animals that are there. Thankfully, she lives on a large farm and has room for all of these critters. Frances works as a schoolteacher, and will often teach on the importance of ecological balance and why it is important to treat animals with respect – spay and neuter your dogs and cats; do not keep exotics as pets; and do not abandon animals into the wild. Unfortunately, frances does not always follow her own advice.

This summer, Frances started volunteering as a docent at our local zoo, which sits just outside a wooded area. During one of her shifts she noticed what she thought was a stray dog. She spend several weeks coaxing it to come to her and teaching it to trust her. After she succeeded in doing this, she brought it home to her farm. Tazi, a half-blind moron could tell by looking at this creature that it is more wolf than dog! When I mentioned this fact to Frances, she said that she had managed to tame it, so it must have a good amount of dog in it. I say the creature is dangerous to own and that she should return it to its natural habitat; but Frances refuses, saying it has come to depend on her and that putting it back into the wild is the equivalent of a death sentence.

Where Frances and I live, it is illegal to own a wolf hybrid. I admit the animal has not hurt anyone yet, but I am simply not comfortable with the idea of a wolf living among humans. It is unnatural. However, I cannot find it in my heart to turn Frances in to the animal control; they would see the animal put to sleep, and I do not want that hanging over my head. Do you know of any way to convince Frances of the error of her decision?

Signed,
Animal Lover, Too

Dear Animal Lover, Too:

A wolf is a wolf is a wolf, and the wolf in a wolf-dog hybrid trumps the dog portion of the animal. A wild animal can be tamed to an extent – meaning it can be taught through a system of punishment and reward to live among humans – but it will never be domesticated, which means it will never view a human as its master and its behavior will always remain unpredictable.

Your sister’s new “pet” was born in the wild, which means it will not adjust to domestic living – to try to force this lifestyle on the animal would be cruel and dangerous, not to mention illegal. If the animal was brought in as a pup I might argue differently, but from the sound of your letter this is a full grown wolf-hybrid; it will not adjust to captivity (which is what domestic living is for a wild animal). Furthermore, is your sister lives on or around an operating farm she is putting the lives of the surrounding livestock in very real danger. Even though it is half-dog, Frances’ hybrid will have no qualms about attacking sheep, chickens, and other slow-moving livestock – be it her own or the neighbor’s. Should it be a neighbor’s livestock that is damaged, you can bet that they will have no issue with calling animal control to see your sister’s “pet” put down, and your sister charged with keeping a wild/vicious animal.

The wolf-hybrid your sister has taken in has not lived with her long enough to become acclimated to human presence and regular provisions. It will have no problem readjusting to living in the wild, and I suggest that your sister return the animal to where she found it immediately.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. As for the animals she is "freeing", she is sentencing them to certain death. Feeder animals are bred in captivity, and cannot survive in the wild. Although I am personally against feeding live animals to pets (mice have claws and teeth, and can scratch and injure) their freedom will lead to a much more painful death than being eaten by someone's pet. --T.K.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Replacing a Destroyed Elf On The Shelf Requires Delicate Manuvering

Dear Tazi-Kat:

I am one of those Elf on the Shelf Moms that people make fun of online (but never to my face...hmmmm, I wonder why? Could they secretly be jealous of the time I have to spend with my child?). I love the look of utter joy on my young daughter's face when her Elf, "Blue", shows up for the holiday season; and the excitement with which she bounds out of bed every morning to look for him. Unfortunately, "Madison's" joy turned to horror a few days before Christmas when she woke to discover that our basset hound "Barney" had gotten a hold of Blue and turned him into a chew toy. Blue's destruction was complete - torn limbs, puncture marks, the whole nine yards. Blue now sits in a shoe-box while I decide what to do with his remains.

Madison's Christmas was spoiled by the destruction of her dear, sweet Elf; and she has spent the last few days angry with Barney, calling him a "bad dog" every time she sees him. Barney is not a bad dog; in fact, it is my fault for putting Blue on a low shelf where Barney could reach him. My daughter is only six-years-old, and I do not wish to use this experience to discuss death with her; but I don't know what else I can do to give her the closure she so obviously needs. Also, I would like to continue our Elf on the Shelf tradition next year; but I am not certain she will warm up to a new Elf, considering the traumatic fate of this one. I have considered taking Madison to a child psychologist to discuss her feelings, but my husband says that if I go that far than I am the one who "needs to get their head examined". He suggests we let bygones be bygones and just get a new Elf. We agreed to seek the advice of a neutral third party, and I was going to write to the advice columnist in my local newspaper when a friend showed me your column. So here I am, writing to you for advice. Please help.

Signed,
Elf-less Mom

Dear Elf-less:

As a cat, I love small things that move around - like the Elf on the Shelf - so I can see why your Barney decided that Blue was a good choice of playmate. I can also understand how your daughter would be upset over the loss of her beloved Elf; however, to equate its loss with human death is taking things a tad too far, to put it mildly. Children are resilient, and with a little creativity you can continue this lovely tradition with Madison while at the same time teaching her forgiveness (for the sake of the dog).

Since Madison believes that the Elf is magical, I think you should work from there. Start by writing a letter to Madison from Blue, telling her that he returned to Santa's North Pole Workshop a few days early so he could recover from his wrestling match with Barney. Have Blue apologize for giving her such a scare; but boys will be boys and he just couldn't resist a tussle with the dog! Tell her he hopes that he didn't hurt Barney too badly, and that his fur will cover any bruises he may have given the dog.

Come February or March, write another letter to Madison from her Elf. In the letter, have Blue tell Madison that he has "completely recovered" from his wrestling match with Barney, and with the help of Santa's magic and a good plastic surgeon he bears not a single scar. Also mention that Mrs. Claus sewed him a brand new outfit to replace the one he damaged while playing (you can also mention that he was scolded for ruining his good Elf outfit).

Now, for the most important step in this whole plan: Buy a new Elf on the Shelf for next year and let Madison think that Blue has returned, as good as new. As she grows older, the magic of the Elf will fade for Madison, but the memories you create for her - and the lessons you teach - will remain.

-- Tazi-Kat

P.S. I don't think people are jealous of the time you get to spend with your child; just tired of the pressure put upon them to be what society deems "perfect" parents.

Big thanks to People I Want to Punch In the Throat for writing and posting the funniest "Elf hater" essay ever! TK

Responsibility Of Owning A Puppy Can Leave You Dog-Tired!

Dear Tazi-Kat,


I am 7 years old, and I want a puppy. All of my friends have dogs, and I like playing with them. My Mom says that puppies are a lot of work, and that she doesn't have the time or energy to take care of both me and a puppy. I told her that I would take care of the puppy, but she still said no. We are learning how to write letters in school right now and for homework we have to write a letter to someone. I am writing to you to ask how I can get my Mom to let me have a puppy.


Sincerely,
Michael

Dear Michael:

Thank you so much for choosing to write to me as your homework assignment! I love opening my mailbox and see letters from people instead of the latest bill from the pet store for my food, toys, cat litter, and other stuff kitty-cats need. Did your Mom also tell you that pets are expensive? That's a really big word that means "costs a lot of money". Puppies are a lot of work, like your Mom said, and they are also very expensive.

Puppies are like little baby dogs. Like babies, they are fun to play with and soft to cuddle, but they don't know how to behave unless you tell them how to behave. As the puppy's owner, you would have to train it - teach it right from wrong, how to go to the bathroom outside, and clean up after it when it goes to the bathroom on the floor by accident. You would also have to take the puppy for walks at least two times a day every single day - even when it raining or snowing! And, you would have to remember to feed it, brush it, and take it to a special pet doctor called a veterinarian to get its shots! Special doctors are also very expensive!

I think that your Mommy is afraid that all this work might be too much for a 7 year old boy, and that she would end up taking your puppy for walks, cleaning up after it, feeding it, and taking care of it while all you do is cuddle it and play with it. That would be lots of fun for you, but no fun at all for your Mom.

Right now, I am going to have to side with your Mom; but for now, you can see what it is like to own a puppy by helping your friends take care of their dogs by taking them for walks, cleaning up their poop, and brushing them. If you show your Mom that you know what it takes to take good care of a puppy, maybe she will let you get one when you are a little older. Don't give up hope!

--Tazi-Kat

P.S. Are you sure you wouldn't you prefer a kitty-cat? We don't shed (much), don't have to be walked, don't jump on people, and go to the bathroom in an easy-to-clean sand-filled box! You still want a puppy, huh? I thought so, but I had to try to sell you on Team Kitty Cat.