King Of The Castle Needs To Learn To Appreciate His Queen

Dear Tazi:

I read your letter about housework and unmade beds on Twitter and I knew that I had to write to you!

I am a stay-at-home-mom of three wonderful, active teen and pre-teen boys. This description alone should tell you what my house looks like most days, which is why I work very hard to keep up with all of the housework! I sweep and mop the tile floors daily, and vacuum every other day. The bathroom gets disinfected every day and gets a thorough scrubbing twice a week. I do at least one load of laundry a day, and iron for at least half an hour each day just to keep up with everything. This is on top of meal planning/cooking, grocery shopping, bill paying, and taxiing my sons to their various sports practices and games. Yes, my life is hectic but I would not trade it for anything. The one change I would make is in my husband's attitude.

"Frank" works in construction, and comes home every day dirty from head to toe. He works hard, so it is expected that he will sweat; which in turn makes the dirt, dust, and other debris of his job stick to his skin and clothing. The soles of his work-boots are equally filthy. When he comes home, he refuses to take off his dirty clothes and shoes in the mudroom (and putting on one of the bathrobes provided) before entering the house, claiming that it is his "hard work that pays for this house" and that he "should be allowed to enter it as a King enters his castle". He usually goes on to say that he doesn't know what I do all day that I can't find the time to clean up "a little dirt" that might get tracked in when he enters.

Tazi, he tracks in more than just "a little dirt". After he arrives home, there is a trail of it from the mudroom to the bedroom and then on to the bathroom where he showers. The house - that I spent a good part of the day keeping clean - looks like the Peanuts character PigPen just walked through it! All three of my sons know to take off their dirty shoes before walking in the house; and if their uniforms are muddy they take those off, too, and don a robe before entering. I did not have to do anything special to train them; they just realize that it is an exercise in common sense - and common courtesy - to take these few extra steps to respect all of my hard work. Do you have any ideas on how to get my husband to start towing this line?

Signed,
Not A Scullery Maid

Dear Not A Scullery Maid:

Tell your husband that if he wishes to be treated like the "King" of the castle than he must learn to start respecting you as its Queen! Rather than lock him out of the house until he learns to follow the simple rule of leaving the dirt in the mudroom (which you could try, if all else fails), there is one thing that you could do: take a one week vacation from housework.

As difficult as this may be for you to do, a one week vacation from the cleaning, the laundry, the ironing, etc. will show your husband just what you do all day that he can't seem to notice. Tell your husband that while this is happening, you will be treating your self to the things you enjoy, but never have the time to do - like read a book, take a spa day, lunch with friends, visit your mother, or just take a nap in the middle of the day. Since you cannot completely abandon your family (your boys still need you), keep active with them by teaching them how to do a few simple chores, such as laundry and ironing and simple meal planning (trust me, their future wives will thank you!).

After a few days of this, your husband should start to notice that the cleanliness of the house (and his clothes) is deteriorating rather quickly. If he comments on this, remind him that you are on vacation but that you appreciate the fact that he is finally noticing what you do all day! If you would like, you can offer to end your vacation early if he promises to start using the mudroom for its designed purpose. Hopefully, this experiment will lead to a meaningful conversation between the two of you about appreciating the work that each of you do to keep your loving home running smoothly.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Your Mother's Living Room Is Not The Place To Be Naked

Dear Tazi:

My adult son moved home with me last year after he lost his job. I do not mind that he is still here because I understand the difficult economy we are experiencing, but I do have a problem with some of his living habits.

“Cameron” does not like to wear clothes. He claims clothing makes him feel restricted and agitates his anxiety which, in order to alleviate, he likes to indulge in what he calls his “naked time”. I am not a prude, but I believe that the place to be unclothed is in the privacy of your bedroom or the bathroom as you are preparing to shower. I have asked Cameron to wear a bathrobe or at the very least boxer shorts, but it turns out he owns neither – he feels underpants are restrictive and, because he prefers to be nude, sees no need to own a bathrobe. After my life partner caught an eyeful of Cameron one afternoon (he had returned home from work a little early) I put my foot down: absolutely, positively no “naked time” outside of the prescribed areas of bedroom or bathroom – especially since Cameron was not shielding the furniture with a towel.

Cameron’s desire to be naked has lost out to his desire to have a place to live free of charge (I informed him I would kick him out if he was caught naked in the living room again). Now, Cameron is moody and sullen all of the time, insisting that he “needs” his “naked time” to relax and let go of his anxiety and that I am not being fair to him. He has offered to place a towel between his bare backside and my couch and to only indulge himself after 10:00 PM, but my partner and I often like to watch TV in the evening, and do not care to have him sitting stark naked next to us! Cameron has suggested that we watch TV in our bedroom, I have suggested he go be naked in his but he claims that it “doesn’t count as naked time if it is in the bedroom right before bed”.

Tazi, I am completely disgusted with my son’s need to be bare! I am at my wits end with him over this issue and need some sound advice on how to handle his poor attitude. The man is almost 40 years old – isn’t it time he grew out of this childish obsession with being naked?

Signed,
Seeking Solace

Dear Seeking Solace:

My question for you is: why is your grown son sitting at home naked during the middle of the day? Shouldn’t he be out looking for a job; considering he has been unemployed, by my count, for at least six months? His bare butt on your couch reminds me of an old commercial for a local furniture store, which also reminds me: you might want to buy new furniture or at least get your current upholstery steam-cleaned!

As for Cameron’s aversion to clothing, it is possible that he suffers from a form of Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD), a nervous system disorder that is on the Autism spectrum. People who suffer from SPD have overactive sensory nerves and can be, in many cases, extremely sensitive to touch. Many people who suffer from SPD are what is referred to as “texture eaters” – they will eat (or not eat) particular foods based upon the texture, not the taste. As children, they tend to be clumsy, a trait that can follow them into adulthood. SPD sufferers may also hate the feeling of constricting clothing, preferring to wear cotton/Spandex® stretch type clothing; un-tucked shirts; short, loose-fitting sleeves; and other types of clothes that do not put pressure against the skin. Does this describe your son at all? If so, a consultation with his physician could lead to a proper diagnosis and treatment plan. If this does not describe Cameron – meaning if when he is clothed the items he wears are fitted and his tastes in food are based on flavor not texture – he probably does not suffer from SPD, at least not to the extent that it affects his clothing preferences.

If your son has been diagnosed with anxiety (and by this I mean by a medical professional and not WebMD) there are many ways to control it through both prescription and non-prescription methods. Cameron’s comment that it “doesn’t count as naked time if it is in the bedroom right before bed” leads me to believe that he is using his anxiety as an excuse to steamroll over your house rules. You are right in refusing to bow to his pressure, or his moods.

You should inform Cameron that you would like to see some results from his job search – this means, copies of the help wanted ads to which he has replied; a copy of his most recent resume and cover letter; and weekly appointments at the local state-run job search center. The economy has been bad, but it is picking up in many areas of the country. Any job is better than no job, so if Cameron has to spend a few months flipping burgers so be it. You should also present Cameron with some boxer shorts and a bathrobe, along with the message that if he wants to be naked he can do it in the privacy of his own home, not yours. Even my hero, Puss in Boots, has the decency to wear boots!

Snuggles,
Tazi




Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Filthy Sheets Put A Damper On Love Life

Dear Tazi:

I am a sophomore in college, and have been dating my boyfriend for eight months now. I love him very much, but am very upset with him over something and he is saying that I am making too big a deal out of it. I am embarrassed to tell my friends or ask their opinion, so here it goes:

"Joey" has his own off-campus apartment, and lives there year-round. Since we have been intimate, I noticed that he always has the same set of (black) sheets on his bed. I assumed that he only had one set of sheets, and that he would put them back on the bed after washing them. I noticed a stain on his sheets the last time I slept over, and commented that he would have to wash his sheets. Joey looked at me like I was crazy, and asked me why. When I told him it was because they were stained, he laughed and said that "there are a lot more stains than that on them!".

Joey continued that he has never changed his bed-sheets since his mother put them on when he moved in a year and a half ago. As if this wasn't nasty enough...I know that Joey had slept with other women before we started dating, and that he had them over in his bed. Which means that I have had sex on the same unwashed sheets that he had sex on with other women.

I am really upset over this, and have told Joey to toss the sheets and buy new ones. He has refused. I told him I would buy him some new sheets, but he told me he wouldn't use them - that he likes his sheets and that they are comfortable and that they will be staying on the bed. I have asked if I can wash the sheets for him, and he told me no - that at this point, it is "a matter of principle" and he doesn't understand why I am making such a big deal out of dirty sheets; that it's not like these other women are in bed with us. Um, yeah, it kind of is like that, at least to me, but that isn't the only part of the ick factor, though. I told Joey that I would not be spending any time on his bed until the sheets were changed, but now we are both standing our ground...and staying at my place, which is upsetting my roommate - she is threatening to tell our R.A. (I live in a dorm). Could you please tell Joey to change his sheets?

Signed,
Grossed Out

Dear Grossed Out:

You and me both! Joey, for the love of a clean litter-box, Joey, CHANGE YOUR SHEETS! Your bed linens have absorbed all sorts of bodily fluids - from sweat to semen and heaven only knows what else; they are probably crawling with bacteria; and I am guessing they are far from smelling April fresh! You have crossed a line between being a casual housekeeper and entered the realm of reality TV star!

******************************

I can understand Joey's desire to stand his ground, but you need to stand your ground, too. If you do not wish to have relations with Joey until he changes his sheets than you must stop having relations with him altogether; you need to show him that this is a big deal to you. (BTW, a recent study showed that single men only change their bed-sheets an average of four times a year, so while he is not alone, Joey is way below the mean average!).

They were white when they went on the bed...

My concern is that Joey's refusal to change his sheets or accommodate you in this matter is a red flag for the future of your relationship. A person who refuses to honor a baseline standard for cleanliness - and actually puts up a battle against one when someone else gently tries to introduce one - is someone for whom stubbornness is a way of life. Joey refusal to acknowledge your personal feelings on the matter is of concern, too; if he truly loves, you, he would not belittle your feelings and make such a mountain out of this molehill. You may want to seriously reconsider this relationship.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Unemployed Adult Son Needs To Pick Up His Efforts

Dear Tazi:

My adult son is living at home after being laid-off from his job and being unable to find work. I don't mind having "Jerry" here; he is my son, after all. I do mind the fact that he is a slob who has been treating my home like a hotel and me like his maid. I work hard all day and do not want to have to come home to a dirty house! Jerry has been here for three months now, and has not lifted a finger to help around the house or clean up after himself. Worse, he creates messes in the common areas and leaves them for me to find. I did not raise him to be this way!

When I first noticed Jerry's poor house habits, I ignored them, figuring he was preoccupied with his job search. That was a big mistake, because they only got worse from there! I thought he might be suffering from depression or some other mental illness, but all of his screenings came back negative  I have told Jerry that if he cannot clean up after himself he can find another place to live, but had no answer when he asked me "Where am I supposed to go?". I don't have the heart to send him to the homeless shelter, Tazi.

Do you have any suggestions on how to get my son to start pulling his own weight? He's 32 years old, so he is not a child, which is why I feel awkward yelling at him like he is one. I raised him to be neat and tidy, hoping I was doing his future wife a favor, but there is no news on that front, either. Where did I go wrong?

Signed,
Buried In My Own Home

Dear Buried In My Own Home:

You did not go wrong, so please do not blame yourself for Jerry's slovenly habits. You raised your son to be "neat and tidy" and presumably respectful of women. He is the one who has chosen to ignore those guidelines and go his own way. As I see it, there are two ways to deal with your problem: continue to clean up after Jerry or leave his messes for him to clean up himself. The latter may be the better way, in this case.

When Jerry leaves a mess in the common areas of the house, pick it up and place it on his bed. Now, it is his problem to deal with and he will either have to put it away or have it fall on the floor when he gets into bed at night. Do this for clothing, shoes, (clean) food wrappers, and other items he sees fit to leave laying around. Refuse to change his sheets or do his laundry for him - these are things he is quite capable of doing for himself, but will not as long as you do it for him.

Dirty dishes should be deposited in the sink, but there is nobody telling you that you have to wash them for Jerry. Eventually, he will run out of clean dishes and have to wash them himself. If Jerry complains, hand him a sponge and some soap and tell him to have at it! If Jerry complains, tell him that until he is working full-time he will be working around the house. Spring is coming and the lawn will need to be cleaned up and then mowed on a regular basis. There are probably other things that will need to be completed, as well. The economy is picking up and employers are now hiring at a good clip! If Jerry is still having trouble finding a job the trouble could be in that he is not looking hard enough. Working him around the house may be just the motivation he needs to step-up his job search.

In the end, if none of this works I suggest that  you change the locks and, weather permitting, lock Jerry outside until you come home at the end of the day. Your house will remain clean while still giving Jerry a private place to sleep at night.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Aging Mother Could Use Help, But Would Prefer The Gift Of Time

Dear Tazi:

My mother is getting older and is unable to do all of the things she used to do, especially when it comes to living independently. Although she is still able to live in her own home, she has difficulty getting around, which makes chores difficult to complete.

I would like to lighten Mom’s load, but whenever I offer to do something for her, she either refuses or suggest I join her while she completes the chore. For example, I know how difficult it is for Mom to walk for a prolonged period of time, so I offered to do her weekly grocery shopping. She refused, but said I could come along and do it with her if I wanted. I am a working Mom myself, and my free time is limited; I do not wish to spend it replicating the chores that Mom is doing on her own.

I am reaching my wit’s end with Mom and her complaints that she simply cannot keep up with all that needs to be done, and how she is exhausted after everything is complete. I have offered to pay for services from laundry to landscaping, but Mom feels those services are a waste of money. She thinks you should not pay someone to do something that you could do yourself, and has suggested that I just come over and help her instead. I am considering just hiring some help for Mom, above her objections, so she does not have such a heavy burden to bear. My husband thinks this is a bad idea, and that we should offer to do these chores for her ourselves.

Tazi, I do not look forward to doing more housework after I finish cleaning my own house, and I cannot fathom how my husband will find the time to keep up with Mom’s yard on top of our own. My husband says that we should “suck it up” for Mom’s sake, but I am having a hard time doing that. What is your opinion of the situation, Tazi?

Signed,

Double Duty

Dear Double Duty:

Has it occurred to you that your mother might want you to accompany her on her trip to the grocery store because she enjoys your company and would like more of it? This could also be the reason that she is refusing the paid services you are offering to hire for her; it’s possible she is hoping you will offer to come over yourself and assist her with the housework and have a nice mother-daughter visit while you are at it.

I realize that you do not wish to do extra housework on top of your own, or to replicate your mother’s chores by accompanying her as she does them, but as Mary Poppins taught us all as children, a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down! What could be sweeter than spending time with your aging mother?

I wish my sandbox cleaned itself this way!

 If you do not have the time to undertake all of the chores, talk to your mother about which ones she has the most difficulty with and do those for her. If your children are old enough to undertake chores, you could make helping your mother a family event, with everyone taking on one or two chores; if the children are too young to complete chores they could have a nice visit with Grandma while you and your husband - who sounds quite willing - take care of completing your mother's vacuuming, laundry, ironing, landscaping, car washing, grocery shopping, etc. Many hands can make for light work.

If I have not yet convinced you to put a little time aside to assist your Mom, please consider this: children learn what they live. If they see you and their father assisting your elders, they too will learn the importance of respecting them - and of assisting you when you are too aged to do all that needs to get done. I hope you can find it in your heart to make the selfless decision.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Marital Stress On The Mend Thanks To A Tazi Suggestion!

Dear Tazi:

I want to thank you for the advice you gave about “Fred” and his Elf of the Shelf antics. You told the letter writer if Fred’s forgetfulness about lowering the toilet seat was “the biggest problem in her marriage” she should consider herself lucky. Your advice has me looking at my marriage in a whole new way.

My husband of seven years, “Barry”, is a plumber. This is the second marriage for both of us, so we are not young kids with stars in our eyes. Every day Barry returns home from work and his clothes are filthy, smelly, or otherwise in need of laundering. Barry does his best to aim for the laundry hamper when changing, but misses almost every time. He claims that when he gets home from work all he wants to do is toss off his clothes and relax; that he spends the greater part of his day kneeling under sinks, next to toilets, or working on underground pipes and the last thing he wants to do is bend over to pick his laundry up off of the floor. He feels that the fact that he makes an effort should count for something.

Barry’s attitude would annoy me to no end, especially since I am a busy stay-at-home Mom (we both have custody of our teenage children) who works hard to keep the house clean and presentable, in addition to everything else that must be done to keep the household running smoothly. I had reached the point where I was ready to blow my stack with him when my mother forwarded me a link to your Elf on the Shelf on the toilet letter. I showed the letter to Barry and asked if this was what was becoming of us – were we turning into a couple who fought against each other instead of with each other?

Thanks to your column, Barry and I had a long talk. He felt that I did not appreciate how hard he worked and how achy his muscles were when he returned home; I felt that he was being disrespectful of how hard I worked to keep the house looking nice for him. Together, we talked through our aggravation and have been working on improving our relationship, working with each other instead of against each other. It has only been six weeks, but Barry’s “aim” has greatly improved and he is even keeping a score-sheet to record how many “points” he scores. Turning this chore into a game has improved both of our moods, and should Barry lapse I remind myself, as I pick up his clothes without complaint, that my marriage could have much bigger problems. Our children have all noticed the difference in our attitudes, and have commented on how much happier we seem since starting “Laundry Basketball” and have suggested other “games” to make the drudgery of chores fun.

Thank you, Tazi!

Sincerely,
Happily Married The 2nd Time Around

Dear Happily Married The 2nd Time Around:

I am so happy to hear that my column assisted you through your marital stress! It is rewarding to know that my little kitten self played a small part in helping you with the heavy lifting of improving your relationship with your husband. I am purring all over!

I like to think Vince Lombardi came back as a cat

Please spread the word that www.asktazi.com is the place to go for advice, entertainment, and a little break from your own reality!

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Woman Brings Hatred Of Cleaning To A Whole New Level

Dear Tazi-Kat:

I hate cleaning. I don't just mean "dislike" cleaning, I mean I truly hate it with a passion so deep that the mere thought of it depresses me. This has led to a big problem with my house, and the thought of having to tackle it overwhelms me.

I know living in filth is a sign of clinical depression, but I am not depressed - in fact, I love my life - I just hate cleaning, and am rarely home so I am not around the mess enough for it to bother me. I didn't realize how bad things had gotten until Halloween, when my best friend’s young daughter thought I had turned my home into a Haunted House. I hadn't; it's just how the place looks because I never clean it. My problem isn't with the mess, per se, but with Christmas dinner.

I am one of eight siblings and every year, along with my parents and grandparents, we rotate who will host the holidays. It has been 10 years since I last hosted Christmas, so my turn to hostess has rolled around again, which means I need to give my house a thorough cleaning. The problem is that I have not cleaned the house since the last time I hosted the holidays. In fact, the cheery red bows and other Christmas decorations from 10 years ago are still hanging on my fireplace mantle and throughout the house, although they are no longer a cheery red, but gray with dust. The rest of the house is equally dusty, dirty, and downright messy. I am seriously considering renting a hall and having Christmas catered this year, just so I don't have to go through the trouble of cleaning my house; but I am afraid my family will start asking questions. Any ideas on how I could explain this change of venue to them, Tazi-Kat?

Signed,
Miss Piggy Sty

Dear Miss Piggy Sty:

I am not certain where to start. You ask for advice on how to explain the change of venue for Christmas dinner, but would it not be just as easy - and probably less expensive - to take the money you would spend on a hall and a caterer and have your house professionally cleaned? 10 years worth of dust is not only a health hazard, regardless of how little time you spend in the house; but a fire hazard, as well. With the cold weather coming turning on the heat could spark the tinderbox that your house has become, burning down the entire place.

Rather than advising you on how to explain a change of venue, I will advise you to seriously consider hiring a professional cleaning company to come through your house and scrub the place from floor to ceiling. If, however, you are truly adverse to this idea you can simply explain the change of venue to your family by telling them the truth: your house is not in any condition to receive visitors, so for the comfort of all you have rented a hall and ordered a catered dinner to alleviate the stress of preparing dinner-to-travel for so many. Just be sure to decorate the hall with all the Christmas trimmings that your family is expecting, so as not to deflate their holiday spirit.

-- Tazi-Kat

P.S. I realize that you are not clinically depressed, but a few sessions with a mental health counselor could help you get to the root of why you find cleaning so depresssing.