Filthy Sheets Put A Damper On Love Life

Dear Tazi:

I am a sophomore in college, and have been dating my boyfriend for eight months now. I love him very much, but am very upset with him over something and he is saying that I am making too big a deal out of it. I am embarrassed to tell my friends or ask their opinion, so here it goes:

"Joey" has his own off-campus apartment, and lives there year-round. Since we have been intimate, I noticed that he always has the same set of (black) sheets on his bed. I assumed that he only had one set of sheets, and that he would put them back on the bed after washing them. I noticed a stain on his sheets the last time I slept over, and commented that he would have to wash his sheets. Joey looked at me like I was crazy, and asked me why. When I told him it was because they were stained, he laughed and said that "there are a lot more stains than that on them!".

Joey continued that he has never changed his bed-sheets since his mother put them on when he moved in a year and a half ago. As if this wasn't nasty enough...I know that Joey had slept with other women before we started dating, and that he had them over in his bed. Which means that I have had sex on the same unwashed sheets that he had sex on with other women.

I am really upset over this, and have told Joey to toss the sheets and buy new ones. He has refused. I told him I would buy him some new sheets, but he told me he wouldn't use them - that he likes his sheets and that they are comfortable and that they will be staying on the bed. I have asked if I can wash the sheets for him, and he told me no - that at this point, it is "a matter of principle" and he doesn't understand why I am making such a big deal out of dirty sheets; that it's not like these other women are in bed with us. Um, yeah, it kind of is like that, at least to me, but that isn't the only part of the ick factor, though. I told Joey that I would not be spending any time on his bed until the sheets were changed, but now we are both standing our ground...and staying at my place, which is upsetting my roommate - she is threatening to tell our R.A. (I live in a dorm). Could you please tell Joey to change his sheets?

Signed,
Grossed Out

Dear Grossed Out:

You and me both! Joey, for the love of a clean litter-box, Joey, CHANGE YOUR SHEETS! Your bed linens have absorbed all sorts of bodily fluids - from sweat to semen and heaven only knows what else; they are probably crawling with bacteria; and I am guessing they are far from smelling April fresh! You have crossed a line between being a casual housekeeper and entered the realm of reality TV star!

******************************

I can understand Joey's desire to stand his ground, but you need to stand your ground, too. If you do not wish to have relations with Joey until he changes his sheets than you must stop having relations with him altogether; you need to show him that this is a big deal to you. (BTW, a recent study showed that single men only change their bed-sheets an average of four times a year, so while he is not alone, Joey is way below the mean average!).

They were white when they went on the bed...

My concern is that Joey's refusal to change his sheets or accommodate you in this matter is a red flag for the future of your relationship. A person who refuses to honor a baseline standard for cleanliness - and actually puts up a battle against one when someone else gently tries to introduce one - is someone for whom stubbornness is a way of life. Joey refusal to acknowledge your personal feelings on the matter is of concern, too; if he truly loves, you, he would not belittle your feelings and make such a mountain out of this molehill. You may want to seriously reconsider this relationship.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.