After The Wedding, It Is REALLY Time To Grow Up!

Dear Tazi:

When I was a child, a unicorn was my imaginary friend. I would watch My Little Pony cartoons and wish I could be magically transported to the land of Ponyville where I could live with all the ponies and their friends. I am now an adult and am preparing to be married. My fiancé is unaware of my imaginary friend, but he is aware of my love of unicorns and has graciously given in to having a unicorn and rainbow themed wedding. The reception hall will be decorated like Ponyville and the wedding favors will be My Little Pony ponies with our names and wedding date airbrushed on the sides.


Welcome to Ponyville!

I realize that all of this sounds like a dream come true, but I am afraid it will all turn into a nightmare after my husband discovers that I have a stuffed unicorn and My Little Pony collection big enough to fill a good sized basement. My mother has held onto my collection for me, but has always said that once I am married with a place of my own she wants her basement back. My fiancé owns his own home, and it is into his house we will be moving after the wedding. His basement is furnished and has a huge bar with a sports theme throughout, including many signed collectibles. I couldn’t possibly ask him to make room for Ponyville – his friends are already giving him a hard time about the Ponyville themed wedding.

Could you please print my letter in your column? I am hoping that my fiancé will see it and realize how important my unicorn and My Little Pony collection is to me, and that he will then offer me room to re-create Ponyville alongside his sports kingdom. It’s the only way I can think of to save Ponyville!

Sincerely,
Pony Girl

Dear Pony Girl:

Men everywhere are going to hate me for printing this letter, but here it is anyway – but only because Hasbro, a Rhode Island based company, makes My Little Pony and I never miss an opportunity to promote a local enterprise.

If you are afraid to ask your fiancé/husband directly for something that should tell you that your request is probably a selfish one. Put yourself in his shoes: Would you give up your Ponyville wedding for a sports-themed extravaganza, complete with mini football helmets for favors? I didn’t think so; therefore, I give my full support to the resounding “NO!” that your fiancé is going to give you. As for what happens to Ponyville, that is up to you and your mother. If she wants her basement back, I suggest you box it up and rent a storage facility; or better yet donate your collection to the local children’s hospital, so a new generation of children can enjoy these wonderful toys and so you can feel the fulfillment that comes with letting go in order to help others.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. Your fiancé sounds like a saint!


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Man Needs More Help Than Tazi Can Offer

Dear Tazi:

I am a black man and my whole life my mother never missed an opportunity to remind me that “a black man has to work twice as hard to be half as successful as a white man”. This was her reason for constantly berating me, telling me to “man up” when things did not go my way. She could never allow me to have a good sulk until I felt better! She was always hounding me about taking advantage of opportunity when opportunity presented itself; learning from my mistakes; and accepting my share of responsibility when bad things happened. My sisters have done that, Tazi. One sister married a man who invested well, which is how they earned their money, and the other sister got a settlement from a car accident that left her with enough to start up her own business. Neither one of them had to start from the bottom!

Tazi, most of the time when things went wrong in my life it was not my fault! I have a son that I never see because his mother (my ex-girlfriend) moved out of state. How is it my fault that I am no longer a part of his life? But Mom holds this against me! My son would never have been born if his mother had remembered to take her birth control pill, but one missed dose and I am on the hook! How is that my fault? She could have had an abortion, but chose to keep the baby. Where is my choice?

I lost my last job because someone else kept putting me on the schedule for a day I could not work. I expressly stated after the first time it happened that I could not work weekends, and that if they scheduled me I would not show; for this they fired me! It’s not like I pulled a “no show”; I was just standing up for myself! I complained to Mom, but she told me (again) to “man up” and accept the fact that some jobs are going to require a difficult schedule.

As of now, I am on disability for depression because I just can’t handle the problems life has been throwing my way. A large part of why I am depressed is my mother’s constant negativity, but she refuses to accept her share of responsibility for the problem, saying that I am responsible for my own mental health. I am now being forced to receive counseling for my depression, which is only making matters worse because the counselor to which I have been assigned agrees with my Mom – that I need to take my share of responsibility for what happens in my life. My future disability payments hinge on this counselor’s decision as to whether or not I am truly depressed. This is not fair! I know that the counselor is going to give me a bad report, calling me an uncooperative patient and recommending that my disability benefits be terminated. How is any of this my fault when my entire life is being decided by other people? The worst part of all this is that my mother tells me she wants to be supportive of me and help me “get better”. She helped to cause all of my problems; I do not want to help her ease her guilty conscience!

My problem with all of this is that right now I have to live with my Mom. I can’t get Section 8 housing where I live because even the waiting list has been closed the need is so large. I can’t move to another state because my disability benefits are approved through the state and they will not transfer if the state I move to does not approve them. I am stuck. Do you have any words of wisdom, Tazi, on how to get my mother off of my back? I am a sensitive soul, and her attitude is what has led to my misery.

Signed,
Workin’ On Makin’ It

Dear Workin’ On Makin’ It:

Where do I start? You mother’s comment that “a black man has to work twice as hard to be half as successful as a white man” is sadly true, but the same can be said of a woman – of any color. We live in a world where discrimination is an unfortunate reality; we can accept this reality and work to overcome it or we can sulk over it and be that much further behind when we come out of our “good sulk”. Your mother sounds like a wise woman and you would do well to listen to her as opposed to telling her off – especially since you live with her!

As for your sisters and their successes: You say that neither of them had to start from the ground up. I say differently. For Sister #1, I doubt that the money to invest well and invest wisely grew on a tree in her backyard. She and her husband probably scrimped and saved in order to come up with the money needed for a minimum buy; studied their investment options carefully; and only then contacted a broker to invest on their behalf. They have earned their success.

I don't think your sister is married to this guy, either!
Sister #2 – the one with a settlement for personal injury and/or property damage – also started from the ground up, as running your own business requires a leap of faith into the abyss; she could have just as easily failed in spite of her hard work. The fact that she used her own money – and not a Federal SBA loan – is quite admirable. She has nurtured her talents, found a need for them, created a business plan, invested in her dream, and it is paying off for her. She also has earned her success. You, on the other hand…

If you feel that your mother is responsible for all of your problems, perhaps you can try joint counseling. The dynamic that exists between the two of you – and the dynamic between you and the rest of the world – is a problem that is more complicated than I am comfortable mediating, and is too involved to dissect in the space this column provides.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Man-Child Needs To Grow Up Before It's Time To Retire

Dear Tazi:

What am I going to do with my son?  Seriously, I need to know what to do with the man!  “Robert” is 43 years old, never married, and still living with me without contributing to the household expenses.  He has never, ever moved out of his childhood bedroom and still sleeps in the twin bed he had growing up.  Robert originally went to college to study Criminal Justice because he wanted to be a police officer.  Unfortunately, after four years of college he failed the physical exam for every police force in the region due to his slow running skills.  Apparently, a police officer that cannot run fast is not an asset to the force.  Although he never told me so exactly, I believe this is what also kept him out of the Army; which he applied for after being rejected by more than a dozen police outfits. 

Robert took an unfulfilling, dead-end job in office supply sales to make ends meet when he decided what he really wanted to do was teach.  I think he liked the idea of a flexible schedule and summers off, he insisted that he wanted to “help mold the minds of the next generation”.  Four years later (spent getting a second Bachelor’s and a Masters in Education) Robert decided he did not like teaching, but would “tough it out” until he was able to pay off his student loans (I paid for his first degree only). 

Robert has spent the last ten years teaching on-again off-again and complaining how much he hates his job, calling out sick as often as he is allowed – sometimes too often, which has resulted in his termination.  Contrary to popular belief, teachers can get fired; especially if they do not have tenure or even seniority.  I showed him your letter about jobs that you can do with a degree in education that do not involve teaching, but he said he had no interest in any of them. 

Robert has now decided that the reason he has been so unfulfilled in his work and romantic relationships is because God is calling him to be a man of the cloth.  He is looking into entering the seminary to study for the Roman Catholic priesthood, which would be fine with me if it did not mean I would have to pay off the remainder of his student debts and send him a monthly stipend to ensure he does not incur further debt while “studying for God”. 

If Robert did not have such a spotted past when it came to his career, I would be more than happy to assist him in this new endeavor; however, I am afraid that Robert is looking for free room and board from someone new now that I am getting older and looking to retire to Florida.  Do you think I should take a chance on my son, Tazi?  Or should I allow him to take this leap of faith on his own?

Signed,

Losing Faith

Dear Losing Faith:

Your son is 43 years old and still trying to find himself, this is obvious.  If you would like to continue supporting him; have the means to do so; and honestly believe that the reason he has failed in all of his career endeavors so far is because he is being thwarted by God in order to push him on the right path than by all means go for it.  If you have doubts, though…

The fact that your son chose a career in which he was not physically able to perform is regrettable, but I will give him a pass.  I believe everyone is entitled to a do-over; his just happened a little sooner than expected.  The fact that your son hated teaching from the moment he set foot in the classroom leads me to believe that you are correct in thinking he was seeking summers off rather than fulfilling a desire to “mold the minds of the next generation”. 

You have done what you can in assisting your son in his quest for career fulfillment.  You have generously allowed him to live with you free of charge so he could pay off his student loans that much sooner.  You have no reason to feel guilty should you decide to let your son sink or swim on his own.  It is not like you are telling him to jump off of a cliff and promising that angels will catch him (Matthew 4:11); you have been his angel for quite some time.  If the priesthood is your son's desire, he can make a financial plan that involves paying off his student loans and saving up for his future as a seminarian – and as a Catholic priest, because the “free room and board” deal ends at retirement.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Your Mother's Living Room Is Not The Place To Be Naked

Dear Tazi:

My adult son moved home with me last year after he lost his job. I do not mind that he is still here because I understand the difficult economy we are experiencing, but I do have a problem with some of his living habits.

“Cameron” does not like to wear clothes. He claims clothing makes him feel restricted and agitates his anxiety which, in order to alleviate, he likes to indulge in what he calls his “naked time”. I am not a prude, but I believe that the place to be unclothed is in the privacy of your bedroom or the bathroom as you are preparing to shower. I have asked Cameron to wear a bathrobe or at the very least boxer shorts, but it turns out he owns neither – he feels underpants are restrictive and, because he prefers to be nude, sees no need to own a bathrobe. After my life partner caught an eyeful of Cameron one afternoon (he had returned home from work a little early) I put my foot down: absolutely, positively no “naked time” outside of the prescribed areas of bedroom or bathroom – especially since Cameron was not shielding the furniture with a towel.

Cameron’s desire to be naked has lost out to his desire to have a place to live free of charge (I informed him I would kick him out if he was caught naked in the living room again). Now, Cameron is moody and sullen all of the time, insisting that he “needs” his “naked time” to relax and let go of his anxiety and that I am not being fair to him. He has offered to place a towel between his bare backside and my couch and to only indulge himself after 10:00 PM, but my partner and I often like to watch TV in the evening, and do not care to have him sitting stark naked next to us! Cameron has suggested that we watch TV in our bedroom, I have suggested he go be naked in his but he claims that it “doesn’t count as naked time if it is in the bedroom right before bed”.

Tazi, I am completely disgusted with my son’s need to be bare! I am at my wits end with him over this issue and need some sound advice on how to handle his poor attitude. The man is almost 40 years old – isn’t it time he grew out of this childish obsession with being naked?

Signed,
Seeking Solace

Dear Seeking Solace:

My question for you is: why is your grown son sitting at home naked during the middle of the day? Shouldn’t he be out looking for a job; considering he has been unemployed, by my count, for at least six months? His bare butt on your couch reminds me of an old commercial for a local furniture store, which also reminds me: you might want to buy new furniture or at least get your current upholstery steam-cleaned!

As for Cameron’s aversion to clothing, it is possible that he suffers from a form of Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD), a nervous system disorder that is on the Autism spectrum. People who suffer from SPD have overactive sensory nerves and can be, in many cases, extremely sensitive to touch. Many people who suffer from SPD are what is referred to as “texture eaters” – they will eat (or not eat) particular foods based upon the texture, not the taste. As children, they tend to be clumsy, a trait that can follow them into adulthood. SPD sufferers may also hate the feeling of constricting clothing, preferring to wear cotton/Spandex® stretch type clothing; un-tucked shirts; short, loose-fitting sleeves; and other types of clothes that do not put pressure against the skin. Does this describe your son at all? If so, a consultation with his physician could lead to a proper diagnosis and treatment plan. If this does not describe Cameron – meaning if when he is clothed the items he wears are fitted and his tastes in food are based on flavor not texture – he probably does not suffer from SPD, at least not to the extent that it affects his clothing preferences.

If your son has been diagnosed with anxiety (and by this I mean by a medical professional and not WebMD) there are many ways to control it through both prescription and non-prescription methods. Cameron’s comment that it “doesn’t count as naked time if it is in the bedroom right before bed” leads me to believe that he is using his anxiety as an excuse to steamroll over your house rules. You are right in refusing to bow to his pressure, or his moods.

You should inform Cameron that you would like to see some results from his job search – this means, copies of the help wanted ads to which he has replied; a copy of his most recent resume and cover letter; and weekly appointments at the local state-run job search center. The economy has been bad, but it is picking up in many areas of the country. Any job is better than no job, so if Cameron has to spend a few months flipping burgers so be it. You should also present Cameron with some boxer shorts and a bathrobe, along with the message that if he wants to be naked he can do it in the privacy of his own home, not yours. Even my hero, Puss in Boots, has the decency to wear boots!

Snuggles,
Tazi




Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Real Life Is Not As Seen On TV

Dear Tazi:

I am a young adult with absolutely no skills. I did horrible in high school so college is out of the question and I have no job skills. I am not handy in any way, shape, or form and have never had a job. I live with my parents who have told me that I need to get a job or else they are going to cut me off financially. I like playing video games, but no place is hiring a video game tester (I looked); not even the local arcade. My father works for a newspaper and I was hoping he could get me a job as a movie or video game critic, but he just looked at me like I was crazy when I asked him that and told me that you needed to be a journalist to get a job like that.

I was watching some reruns of King of Queens when I heard the dog walker on the show mention how much money a dog walker can make in one week. The job seems pretty easy, and I like dogs, it just seems like a lot of walking but I suppose I could take a rest once I reached the dog park and let the dogs run free before taking them home again. Do you think this would be a good idea for a job? I want to hang up some flyers and get a few clients before I tell my parents, because I don’t want them to laugh at my idea. Do you think this is a good idea?

Signed,
Unemployed

Dear Unemployed:

I am happy to hear that you have found your motivation, but are you fully aware of all the responsibilities that go into being a professional dog walker? It is more than just dropping the animals off at the dog park for a run and then bringing them home again. There are issues of licensing and insurance – you cannot get one without the other – that will indemnify you if a dog under your care is injured or injures another, be it a human or another animal.

A professional dog walker must also work with scheduling of clients – you can only walk so many dogs at once and only certain dogs together. If two dogs do not get along they must be walked at different times. Additionally, there is the matter of bookkeeping and customer accounts. When you run your own business you are responsible for keeping track of and paying all of your expenses, from charging the correct customer for doggie treats to paying your own social security and Medicare taxes.

As easy as it sounds, being self-employed is often much more difficult than working for somebody else. I strongly suggest that you pick up the phone book and look for a social services agency that provides career counseling and job placement. If you think employers are going to knock on your door to offer you work based upon your video gaming skills, you are sadly mistaken – and your father is correct, in regard to the need for professional training or a degree in journalism to work as a product reviewer. Do not fall for those easy-money Internet schemes that promise otherwise; they will only cost you money that you do not have to spend.

I wish you the best of luck in finding a job and some sort of career interest, because it sounds like you are in dire need of it. Please write me back in a few months to let me know how things are turning out for you!

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Trekkie Seeks A Better Life...And Maybe A Woman to Share It With

Dear Tazi:

I am a 28-year-old man living in my mother's basement. Like the stereotype goes, I enjoy role-playing games, attending conventions, and collecting Star Trek memorabilia. Yes, I even speak Klingon, a language that my father taught me when I was still a child. I never really realized how out of control my obsession had gotten, until yesterday when I received a wedding invitation in the mail...from my youngest cousin, who just turned 18. I, on the other hand, have never even had a real girlfriend - just coffee dates with women I meet at conventions.

I want to change my life for the better, but I don't know how. I majored in Philosophy in college, and currently make a living as a writer for - as you probably just guessed - Star Trek fanzines and other science-fiction magazines. I make enough money that I could easily afford my own place, but then I would have to stop buying collectible merchandise (I spend upwards of $20,000 a year on it). My mother has no problem with me living at home, but I have been thinking about this all day and I think this could be one of the reasons I don't date. Who wants to bring a woman back to his Mom's place? Do you have any suggestions on how to give my life a complete makeover? I have no one else to ask.

Live Long And Prosper,
Spockie1983

Dear Spockie 1983:

I have always thought people like you were an urban legend, and yet here you are! I find it admirable that you have come to your own conclusion that life is passing you by, and that it was not forced upon you by others. This will make your "life makeover" much easier to handle. In order to do this you will not have to abandon all that interests you; rather, you will have to expand your horizons beyond that of your current, limited interests.

Politics is one place where a Philosophy degree is always helpful to have. Often times, debate is based upon philosophical principles, so you may find volunteer work for a candidate in whom you believe to be a viable interest. The good news is that 2014 is an election year, so your choices are seemingly unlimited. Such volunteer work can be fit into your work schedule, and will get you out of the basement and around other people - men and women - who have their own varied interests outside of politics, as well, which will expose you to the myriad of opportunities that exist beyond the Starship Enterprise.

Coffee shops are also a good place to chill out and meet people; as the conversation is friendly and free-flowing, and the topics vary like the weather. If coffee is not your thing, you could try roaming your local bookstore - with thousands of books on hundreds of topics, you are bound to find something beyond the realm of Sci-Fi that catches your interest; and broadening your interests is the first step in breaking the hold that your current interests have on your life.

Once you have taken steps towards broadening your interests, the next step is to move out of Mom's basement. As comfortable as basements can be, the fact remains that they are usually dark and somewhat chilly, and prone to water damage. Basements do not make for the healthiest human surroundings. If you do not wish to move far from your mother, you can find an apartment that is close-by to her. If she is financially dependant upon you, perhaps you can use some of the money you would normally spend on collectibles and put it towards her financial security.

If you are still unhappy with your life after giving these changes a chance to take root, perhaps it is not your life that is making you unhappy. Depression can take many forms, and getting screened for it may be a good idea. I wish you much "Q'apla"!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Soon-To-Be Graduate Needs A Flight Plan From Mother's Nest

Dear Tazi:

I will be graduating college in a few months and need to start looking for a job. My plan is to apply for work in all 50 states (plus DC) and move to wherever the best opportunity takes me. My mother does not think this is a very good idea, and is pressuring me to come up with a "more structured plan for finding employment". I am not sure if Mom is just trying to keep me close to home because she will miss me when I am gone, or because she is afraid that I will fall flat on my face living alone. Either way, I need to get across to her that this is my life and I need to live it my way - without hurting her feelings. After all, she is my Mom. Do you have any suggestions on how to tacitly tell her all this?

Signed,
Future Superstar!

Dear Future Superstar!:

Congratulations on your educational accomplishments! I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors. Since this is your final semester of school, the time to start looking for work is now! Many employers expect college graduates to start sending out their resumes, and are waiting to receive them. Some are even setting up interviews for May start dates!

Although I admire your ambition - and your respect for your Mom - a more directed job search might be to your benefit. You do not say where you are from; but you have to remember that America is a huge country, stretching from the Atlantic Ocean to the Pacific Ocean, and from the frosty winters of the Canadian border to the warmer climates of the Gulf Coast. Some states - like Rhode Island and New Jersey - are densely populated and small enough to travel from end to end by car; others - such as North Dakota and Montana - are sparsely populated, and require hopping an airplane to get to the nearest major city. Do you enjoy fine culture, such as museums; night-clubs; and the lights of Broadway? Or do you prefer wide-open spaces and the light of the stars in the night sky? All of these are things that must be considered before you accept a job offer that requires relocation. Often times, your personal happiness can have an affect on your work.

Remember to keep your requirements realistic; consider the changing weather patterns of the different seasons; and factor in the cost of a visit back home for the holidays or family emergencies (illness, funerals, etc.). Other things to consider are your marital prospects, should that be a step you would eventually like to make. Some states - such as West Virginia - have an extremely high population of senior citizens; while areas like Austin, TX and Tampa Bay, FL consist of large pockets of younger people. You do not say if you are a man or a woman; but states like South Dakota and Alaska are currently overpopulated with single men of marrying age, with far too few single women to go around.

Once you have figured out your preferences, you can narrow your job search to the regions that will accommodate your needs and desires - or at least balance your needs with your desires, if you are unable to find a place that has it all - including employment. Once you have narrowed down your list, your mother should feel more confident in your ability to take care of yourself. She still may not want you to move away, but at least she can be confident that she raised didn't raise a fool - and that she won't have to worry about you living in her basement.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.