Generous Gift Offer Declined Due To Strings That Are Attached

Dear Tazi:

As a high school graduation gift – and in order to encourage her to make wise economical and educational decisions – I offered to pay for my granddaughter’s first two years of college if she chose to attend one of our state’s public colleges or universities, with the offer to pay the remaining two years if she stayed at the state school (or within the state system) and kept her grades high enough to attain placement on the Dean’s List each semester. This decision was not made lightly, but with the memory of sending my own daughter (her mother) and both of my sons off to school at fancy private colleges, and paying upwards of $20,000 apiece for it, only to see them return home after one year – for various reasons – and graduate from state colleges for less than the cost of one year at their original schools.

My granddaughter feels that my offer is not fair, and that I am trying to control her life. She has requested that I give her the money I would spend on her first two years tuition at a state school to apply to the tuition at a fancy private college that costs in the vicinity of $50,000 a year. This particular school is far from home (three to four hours by plane) and my granddaughter, in my opinion, still has some growing up to do before she is ready to be on her own in a new city. For all of these reasons mentioned, I denied her request. Because of this, I am apparently the worst Grandpa that has ever lived.

I am considering rescinding the offer of paying for her schooling, and giving her a graduation gift of similar value in the form of a 10-year government bond. Upon maturation it would be worth close to $100,000 and could be put towards the purchase of a house or other real estate. My one concern is that, without my tuition assistance, my headstrong granddaughter may skip college altogether – which I would hate to see happen – or sign her life away into a morass of student loan debt in order to attend her first-choice school – debt that would most certainly destroy the nest egg a bond would provide. I do not wish to make the same mistake with my granddaughter as I did with her mother (and her uncles), but at the same time I do not want to see my granddaughter rush headlong into a mistake of her own making. She is my only grandchild and my hope for the future of all that I have worked for in life. I would like an outside opinion, Tazi.

Signed,
Grandpa Jim

Dear Grandpa Jim:

You are a generous Grandpa, indeed! A college education is a priceless gift, and the offer you present to your granddaughter just challenging enough to make certain that she keeps her life on the right track. You strike a good balance between generosity (two years, no strings) and business (two years, Dean’s List). You are investing in your granddaughter’s future, so you should be allowed some say in how that investment is treated.

Your granddaughter, on the other hand, sees this offer as a gift – which is how you have presented it – and gifts should come with no strings attached. By putting conditions on your support, your granddaughter sees you as attempting to control her life. May I suggest a compromise of sorts?

Get your granddaughter something completely different for her high school graduation present. A pre-paid debit card to be used towards her first year’s textbooks is a generous gift (around the $1,000 range, depending on what she is studying) but nowhere near the level of major financial investment. Once the gift issue is off the table, you can sit down with your granddaughter and discuss all that you have mentioned to me in your letter. If possible, I would suggest having your daughter there, too; to moderate, should the conversation start to get heated.

Explain to your granddaughter that your original tuition offer still stands, no longer as a gift but as a business arrangement. As an investor, you have an offer to make her; and she, as the person seeking funding, can either accept or reject your terms – but not alter them in any way. Allow her some time to think things over before asking for her decision. If she decides to attend her first choice college, take comfort in the fact that she thought things through before jumping into the abyss of the unknown.

Allow your granddaughter the chance to make her own mistakes – she will never be able to grow otherwise. By the end of her freshman year, you may be surprised to find your granddaughter thriving at this far away school, and earning scholarships and academic accolades that will bring honor to both her and your family (and if this turns out to be the case, I am hoping you will be willing to consider your granddaughter’s counter-offer of a lump sum towards her tuition at this school). If your granddaughter discovers that her dream school has turned into a nightmare, resist the urge to say I told you so and please find it in your heart to re-present your generous offer.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. My Mommie is in the market for a new Grandpa, since hers passed away several years ago! Care to adopt her? (Just kidding!) –T.K.



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Teenager Fears College Life Will Ruin Her Perfect Life At Home

Dear Tazi:

My life is very normal. I have two wonderful parents, still married, who never argue in front of me or my sister. Speaking of my sister, we get along great – she is the best little sister anyone could ever want. I have a dog (sorry, Tazi!) who I love to death and enjoy taking for long runs in the park, and I live in a nice house in a nice neighborhood. My family is not rich, but I do not want for anything I need; I do well in school; and have great friends who do not pressure me to drink or do drugs. I am a cheerleader for my high school and my boyfriend is one of the Captains of the football team (surprise, surprise huh?). Basically, my life is so incredibly perfect it is positively abnormal!

I guess you are wondering why I am writing to you, huh, Tazi? I will be finishing my senior year of high school later this year, which means college is only a few months away. Both of my parents are legacies from the same college, and they would love for me to go to the family alma mater, as well. I would love to continue with this family tradition, but I am scared to go out on my own! The school in question is three hours from home, so there is no way I could commute every day; I would have to live there, in a dormitory or an off-campus apartment.

Moving away to school would mean leaving behind my dog, my little sister, my friends, my parents, and my entire life! My boyfriend would be going to school nearby, so I would have him to depend upon, but I know he will be busy with his own school and probably football, too (he has been offered a scholarship). I want to make my family proud; I just wish college was closer to home! Do you have any advice to help me overcome my fears and enjoy the rest of my senior year, Tazi?

Signed,
Future Tiger

Dear Future Tiger:

Something I have learned from writing this column is that Southern traditions die hard, so I can understand why you want to continue the tradition of your parents and your grandparents and your…

Moving away from home for the first time can be incredibly heartbreaking, especially when home is such a wonderful place. A three hour drive may sound like a million miles away from loved ones, but the truth is it is not that far – especially nowadays, when there is Skype, and Facebook, and other ways to communicate in real and almost real time.

A big part of growing up and making the transition from childhood to adulthood is moving out of your parents’ house and being responsible for yourself. Moving into a college residence hall is often a first step, a halfway point between living at home and being completely on your own. Living in a residence hall can offer many benefits while in college. In addition to making new friendships it relieves you of several hours a week of commuting time (which can be used for be used for both studying and extracurricular activities); plus it helps you to learn how to be responsible for your own life, without having Mom and dad there to tell you what to do and when to do it. In short, you can learn a lot of important life-skills that the classroom cannot teach you.

The fact that your boyfriend wants to continue your relationship through your college years is the sign of a man who cares very deeply for you – a lot of young men move away to college and forget the promises they made to their girlfriends back home – so he will be one constant in your life that will help you to adjust to your new living situation. Plus, there will be weekends where you can go home for a visit and weekends when your family will come to visit you (I have a feeling the latter will occur most often during football season!).

Just because you are moving away for a few years does not mean that you are moving on permanently; try to keep this in mind as you finish your final year of high school. As the school year winds down, your friends are bound to start firming up their college plans; let yourself get caught up in the bittersweet excitement and the future will not look so daunting!

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

College Graduate Working As A "Specialty Janitor", Much To Mom's Dismay

Dear Tazi:

My son graduated college last month with a degree in Philosophy. His plan was to go on to law school, so this major made sense. Unfortunately for him, his grades fell short of gaining admittance into a top or second tier law school. He has been accepted at a few places of little note, without scholarship, which means I would be on the hook for his tuition. I told "Mason" I would not pay his graduate tuition (as I did his undergraduate tuition) until he showed he was willing to put in the work to improve his grades. He is planning to register for a few graduate level classes at the state university for the fall, and in the meantime he has taken a job at the only place that will hire him: a disaster clean-up company that cleans up the aftermath of personal tragedies.

My wife is mortified that our son is cleaning up what is left at home invasion and murder scenes, and busted crack houses. She wants to pay our son's law school tuition starting this fall. I say the unenviable work is good for him and will teach him that this is what he will end up doing for the rest of his life if he does not work harder in school. The job pays well and he is given protective gear to wear when he is on a clean-up scene, so I am not worried about his health, physical or financial. My wife, however, is worried about what people will think if they find out our son is working for a specialty janitorial service. I say hang what people think. What do you say, Tazi?

Signed,
Third Generation Ole Miss

Dear Third Generation Ole Miss:

Is your son a fourth generation at Ole Miss? Does the answer to this question have something to do with why your wife is willing to ignore his lackluster academic record? I realize that tradition runs deep down South, especially at places like Ole Miss! If your son is now an alumnus, people are going to be asking about him at the next class reunion or event. Are you prepared to tell your friends why your son is not in law school, as planned? I ask because it is apparent that your wife is not.

Personally, I think an education in the school of life is what your son needs. If he enjoys his job as a specialty cleaner and is able to support himself with the money he makes, and there is room for promotion, than I see no reason why your wife should be ashamed of what your son is doing. He is providing a valuable service that not many would be willing to provide. Furthermore, your attitude towards his Philosophy degree - claiming "the only place that will hire him" is short-sighted, considering the competitive economy we are currently experiencing.

If your son is embarrassed to be doing the kind of work he is doing, I suggest the following compromise: one semester of graduate level courses, which your son will pay for out of his own earnings. If he can prove that he is ready to make the commitment to graduate level learning, you and your wife can offer to pay for his continued schooling, provided that he maintain a minimum grade-point-average that you and your wife will set. Should his grades fall below the mark, he will be responsible for his own education expenses. I believe this is a compromise that all can live with, as well as one that will allow your son to prove his academic worth.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Tazi's Corner #44 - Tazi's Mommie Graduates! (And Says A Few Words About It).

Dear Readers,

My name is Kimberly, and I am the Editor behind Ask Tazi! I would like to thank Tazi for giving me this space to say a few words on this very special day! I realize you come here to hear the thoughts and musings of my smug little kitty, and I thank you for your loyalty. What started out as a two-week college Writing class project has bloomed into something I could never have imagined...and I suppose that is one of the amazing things about college; it brings you opportunities that you once never dreamed could occur.

Today I will graduate from the University of Rhode Island with a long-postponed degree in Gender and Women's Studies, and a minor in Writing and Rhetoric (I continue to work towards my Bachelors in Biology, a separate project altogether). This is actually my third college graduation - I hold a Bachelors in Communications from Rhode Island College and an Associates in General Science from the Community College of Rhode Island. A life-long hockey fan, I am excited to be completing this particular hat trick! It has taken me six years going to school both part and full time to complete this journey, and as I look ahead towards my future I look back to what brought me here.

Shortly before I returned to school I was advised to walk the Path of Humility, that only this would lead me to the Gates of Grandeur. At the time I thought the Gates of Grandeur were just that - the gates to a grandiose living style that would afford me fine jewelry, a luxury car, and expensive bottles of wine. After all, a college degree is the key to success, is it not? My first degree had treated me quite well, in spite of the career burnout, so I expected even greater things from subsequent degrees. Looking around me, I realize that I have received more than I ever would have without my degrees...but these gifts are gifts of the spirit, something no amount of money could ever buy.

I have spent the last several years working as a Tutor at my state's community college (we are small, so we only have one). There I have had the opportunity to work with students of all walks of life, of all intelligence and ability levels. Having fallen into the niche specialty of working with students with disabilities I have met brilliant people whose intelligence rivals that of the greatest scientists, but who are seen as disabled because they suffer from Autism or dyslexia or severe anxiety or any number of invisible handicaps that make their learning journey an uphill one. Working with them, I put my Communications degree to use in ways I never had - to actually communicate with people in order to achieve a greater good, not for a quick sale on overpriced merchandise. What a feeling!

Many of my former students have gone on or will go on to staggering educational heights - Nursing school, Medical school, Colleges of Engineering, and PhD programs in scientific research. I am immensely proud of every single one of them and grateful to them, as well, because they have helped me to walk my Path of Humility, whether they realize it or not. Seeing their successes fills my heart with joy...the grandest gift of all. I am not jealous of them, nor do I begrudge them their successes, for I know the hard work and commitment that goes into achieving such success...and I know that their path is not my path to walk, but my path to walk with them for just a short while, to help them through the potholes on the highway of life.

This was the most important lesson I learned in college: That not all paths are the right path, and not all paths are permanent. Embrace change.

Each of us has a path to walk. Sometimes we will think we have found it, only to discover it leads to a dead end. We must remember that such an outcome does not make the journey a wasted one; maybe it was our fate to assist someone we met along the way, to help them along their path until our roads diverged.

This past week, I turned 40, an age I have always seen as mystical...an age where I always thought I would have my life all figured out and completely together (a thought that now makes me laugh derisively). As I look around me, I see a large circle of dedicated friends, old and new; I see a large extended family of blood relatives and those who are simply related by the bonds of deep friendship; I see the man I love, who still makes my heart beat faster after all the years we have been together (which is six, for those who are counting!). My circle of support is mind-blowing, and if I tried to thank them all personally it would take a year and a day to type all of their names; they know who they are, but if you are reading this and wondering if you are among them then wonder no more: the answer is yes.

As I look towards the future, I see a lot that is still unknown and undecided. I see the need for a well-paying full-time job as well as success as a freelance writer to pay for a looming student loan debt and to assist my mother in her retirement, something she has put on hold in order to see me through my schooling. (Thanks, Mom!). These things do not scare me as they once did, because I have learned that the Gates of Grandeur do not lead to a mansion on a hill - not anymore, at least; not for me.

For me, the Gates of Grandeur open into a life secure in the knowledge that no matter how useless I sometimes feel, I am somebody's pillar of support. It is the security of knowing no matter how many times I fall, there will always be someone there to help lift me up and move forward; that no matter how impossible my dreams, there will always be people cheering me on as I tilt at windmills. I am such a lucky woman!

Dare to dream your impossible dream

KJM
05.19.13

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Shy Twenty-Something Seeks Dating Advice From The Confident Kitty!

Dear Tazi:

Are all cats as confident as Puss In Boots? If you are, can you send some of that ego my way? I am a 22 year old man, and have never had the courage to ask a woman on a date. Because of this, I never went to any of my high school formals - not even my senior prom. I will be graduating college this May, and my university will be hosting its annual formal for all graduates. The Graduation Ball is a huge tradition - with both the university, and my family. I am a legacy (on both sides of my family) going back generations. It was at their Graduation Ball that my father asked my mother to marry him; and all my mother ever asks me anymore is who will be the "lucky lady" who accompanies me to the dance. No pressure, huh?

Tazi, there is this one woman that I like an awful lot; and I would really like to ask her to be my date for the Graduation Ball, but she is only a sophomore (we have a general studies class together). Among the underclassman, to be asked to the Graduation Ball is a huge social honor, so I have no doubt she would say yes; I just want to be sure that she is saying yes for the right reasons - because she wants to go to the ball with me, not because she just wants to go to the ball and would attend with a three-headed martian if one were to ask her. If I am going to ask her I will have to ask soon, so she can find a dress and do all that other stuff that women do for formal events. I guess what I want to know is, how can I be sure?

Signed,
Shy Guy

Dear Shy Guy:

Cats are, by nature, egotistical creatures. Confidence with the ladies comes naturally to us. Yes, we felines are a lucky bunch...but enough about me! Let's talk about you! The fact that you are 22 and have never been on a date is not unheard of, nor is it unusual among today's high school and college age generations. Dating rituals are very different than what they were when your parents were dating, with a lot of the formality having gone the way of the IBM typewriter and the 8-track cassette. These changes have both positive and negative aspects, ranging from taking the pressure off of the person asking for a date to the lack of formal dating experience among twenty-somethings.

Asking someone on a date can be nerve-wracking, but know that waiting and wondering if the person you like likes you back can be equally nerve-wracking! I encourage you to take the plunge in person, not by sending a her a text message. Some things are just better done face-to-face. However, before you ask this woman who has caught your eye to such a formal event as your Graduation Ball, you might want to ask her out for coffee first! By spending some time in each other's company, you will be able to get a feel for whether or not you would like to spend time with her outside of a classroom setting; and a sense of whether or not she is interested in you.

Since time is of the essence, I suggest you invite her out A.S.A.P. With the warm and sunny weather arriving, you could ask her to join you for a coffee in a cozy spot on the other side of the campus; giving you time to take a walk together, as well, and extending your coffee date. If at the end of the coffee date you feel confident that she would be interested in going to the Graduation Ball with you - and not just anyone, including a three-headed martian - ask her! Tell her that you really enjoy her company, and would love it if she would accompany you to this special event. From there, who knows where things might lead? Not me, so if things work out for you, please write back and let me (and my other readers) know!

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Soon-To-Be Graduate Needs A Flight Plan From Mother's Nest

Dear Tazi:

I will be graduating college in a few months and need to start looking for a job. My plan is to apply for work in all 50 states (plus DC) and move to wherever the best opportunity takes me. My mother does not think this is a very good idea, and is pressuring me to come up with a "more structured plan for finding employment". I am not sure if Mom is just trying to keep me close to home because she will miss me when I am gone, or because she is afraid that I will fall flat on my face living alone. Either way, I need to get across to her that this is my life and I need to live it my way - without hurting her feelings. After all, she is my Mom. Do you have any suggestions on how to tacitly tell her all this?

Signed,
Future Superstar!

Dear Future Superstar!:

Congratulations on your educational accomplishments! I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors. Since this is your final semester of school, the time to start looking for work is now! Many employers expect college graduates to start sending out their resumes, and are waiting to receive them. Some are even setting up interviews for May start dates!

Although I admire your ambition - and your respect for your Mom - a more directed job search might be to your benefit. You do not say where you are from; but you have to remember that America is a huge country, stretching from the Atlantic Ocean to the Pacific Ocean, and from the frosty winters of the Canadian border to the warmer climates of the Gulf Coast. Some states - like Rhode Island and New Jersey - are densely populated and small enough to travel from end to end by car; others - such as North Dakota and Montana - are sparsely populated, and require hopping an airplane to get to the nearest major city. Do you enjoy fine culture, such as museums; night-clubs; and the lights of Broadway? Or do you prefer wide-open spaces and the light of the stars in the night sky? All of these are things that must be considered before you accept a job offer that requires relocation. Often times, your personal happiness can have an affect on your work.

Remember to keep your requirements realistic; consider the changing weather patterns of the different seasons; and factor in the cost of a visit back home for the holidays or family emergencies (illness, funerals, etc.). Other things to consider are your marital prospects, should that be a step you would eventually like to make. Some states - such as West Virginia - have an extremely high population of senior citizens; while areas like Austin, TX and Tampa Bay, FL consist of large pockets of younger people. You do not say if you are a man or a woman; but states like South Dakota and Alaska are currently overpopulated with single men of marrying age, with far too few single women to go around.

Once you have figured out your preferences, you can narrow your job search to the regions that will accommodate your needs and desires - or at least balance your needs with your desires, if you are unable to find a place that has it all - including employment. Once you have narrowed down your list, your mother should feel more confident in your ability to take care of yourself. She still may not want you to move away, but at least she can be confident that she raised didn't raise a fool - and that she won't have to worry about you living in her basement.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.