Here Comes The Bride(zilla)

Dear Tazi-Kat:

I am getting married this December, and have sent out my wedding invitations early, so people will remember NOT to double-book the date with their Christmas parties and other holiday plans. The invitations have been received by many of my invited guests - and some of them have had the nerve to ask if they can bring a date, disregarding the fact that the envelope was addressed solely to them!

I am having a rather large wedding, and in order to include everyone that I wanted to invite, my parents (who are footing the entire bill) told me that I had to draw the line somewhere; so I drew it among my single friends. If they are not married or in a serious relationship, I did not add "and guest" to their invitation. A table full of my sorority sisters (who are the only ones affected by my decision) have taken offense to this plan, and are taking it quite personally; accusing me of assuming that just because they are single they cannot find a date to escort them to my wedding.

Tazi-Kat, I love all of my sisters; but I have to admit that those that are complaining about the lack of a "+1" are single for a reason, and probably could not get a date for my wedding if they paid someone to take them! I have tried to explain to them that they will all be seated at the same table, so they will not be all alone - they will have each other - and that going solo to a wedding can be a great way to meet someone, if they keep an open-minded attitude about it. Their response has been less than understanding, and they have threatened to "boycott" my wedding altogether, which would leave a huge gap in my seating plan (the room is bigger than necessary, but it was the only one available at the location I wanted for the date I wanted).

The issue is driving a wedge between me and some of my other sisters, as well. Tazi-Kat, how can I get them to understand that there just isn't room for everyone; and that my parents cannot afford for them to bring a friend just so they will have someone to dance with to the slow songs?

Signed,
Having Some Big Fat "Greek" Wedding Troubles


Dear H.S.B.F.G.Wedding Troubles:

Are you certain that your single sorority sisters "could not get a date if they paid someone..."? The economy is pretty bad right now, and I am certain that someone out there would be willing to escort each of them for the right price. Seriously, they say that there is someone for everyone, and that must be true if an absolute b!tch like you corralled a guy into marrying them. Yes, you read that right, Bridezilla!!

I am going to be completely honest with you, which is probably not what you want to hear, but what you need to hear just the same: Your attitude stinks! To write the things you wrote about your sorority sisters shows a complete lack of ethics and is a betrayal to your vows of sisterhood.

In deciding for yourself that they are "single for a reason" and then seating them all together at the same table makes them sound like "the mutants at table 9" from the movie The Wedding Singer. Just because somebody is single does not mean that they do not date, and would not enjoy bringing someone with them to a "couples" event. If you think going single to a wedding is a "great way" to meet someone, you have obviously never gone solo to a wedding. Plus, by your own admission, your sorority sisters will be the only single people there, making it impossible to meet someone.

Even if every person you invited to your wedding R.S.V.P.'s with a "yes", the cost to serve an additional "table full" of guests - which is what you would have, if all of them brought guests - would be around $500 for the average wedding. Again by your own admission, there would be plenty of room for the extra people; thus solving the "huge gap" in your seating plan should your offended sisters not show.

Considering that your parents are paying for your wedding, I think you should offer to cover this nominal amount personally, as a peace offering for your truly horrid attitude. It is up to you to decide if this is too much to pay for the price of sisterhood; but should you refuse, you may discover the price you end up paying to be much higher than that.

--Tazi-Kat

Georgia Bulldog Follows A Tradition That Family Does Not Understand

Dear Tazi:

I am a huge sports fan. I love my teams - professional and college (Go Georgia Bulldogs!!!) - and attend several games a year; including the Deep South's Oldest Rivalry, for which I travel back to Georgia every year. The dates of my travel games are known well in advance, and I make my plans well in advance, too. I have been making the trip back to Georgia for the past fifteen years (since I graduated from the University of Georgia), so my habits are nothing new. My entire family knows how important these games are to me, and MOST have been understanding enough not to plan any major events that would conflict.

My problem is my sister. She got engaged this past Christmas, and decided to set her wedding date for the same day as the UGA-Auburn game (that's the game I am referring to when I mention "the Deep South's Oldest Rivalry"); the most important game of the year! People come "home" from all over the world to attend this game; buying tickets as soon as they go on sale - in fact, I had just bought my tickets when she announced her wedding date: 11-15-14. Her reason for picking this date? Because her Astrologer told her that this date would result in a "fruitful marriage. (My sister is 42 and is done having kids, so it is not like her biological clock is ticking. This will be her third marriage, too, so I think she is hoping that the word "fruitful" is not being used in the Biblical sense). I explained to her that I would not be able to attend her wedding that weekend and asked her to reschedule, but she just flew into a Bridezilla rage and called me every name in the book.

My family is from up North, so they don't understand the full meaning of the game tradition; which is why they feel I should be the one to cancel my plans in order to attend my sister's wedding. I offered to compromise if she would - I would fly home early and be there for the week of planned, pre-wedding celebrations; but she has her heart set on the date she chose and refused to budge, calling me a "bad brother". I am afraid I lost my temper and told her that she should get married on 12-13-14 if all she cared about was the superstitions of astrology and numerology, and now she is not speaking to me. My mother has suggested that I cancel my trip "in order to make peace", but as I see it that would just be letting my sister have her way.

Tazi, do you have any idea on how I can get myself out of this mess - without pulling a no-show to the greatest game of the season?

Signed,
A Bulldog In The Doghouse

Dear Bulldog:

If there is only one thing I know about the South it is that tradition comes before everything. I have met women in their 40's who return "home" for their sorority installation ceremonies and men of the same age who will plan their family vacation around the type of football rivalry games you have described. Some may find this way of life disturbing; I find it refreshing that respect for tradition is not lost in the hustle and bustle of every day commitments.

Being a Northerner, the closest thing to a rivalry game I have ever attended is the University of RI - Providence College basketball game, which is something fewer and fewer people seem to care about every year and especially this one as neither team has done well in the past few years. What can I say? Many Northern teams have fair-weather fans, and this appears to be the point of view from which your family is viewing your situation. You need to educate them on the historical importance of this game - share with them the rich history of the game; how it goes back over a century; and why the rivalry still exists today. Tell them of the camaraderie that occurs between fans, turning strangers into friends and friends into extended family.

The fact that you have been making this trip for 15 years speaks to the importance of this event and while I realize that your sister's wedding is also important, her reasoning for choosing the date she chose; her Bridzilla meltdown; and her complete refusal to compromise shows a complete lack of maturity and sensitivity on her part. She is, however, a blood relation; and as the expression goes, blood is thicker than water - even if you do bleed black as well as red. The game time has yet to be announced, but these games generally take place in the afternoon or the evening. Would your sister be adverse to having a morning wedding; at a time that would allow you to at least attend the ceremony (although not the reception) before hopping a plane to attend your game? Since neither of you wishes to budge, this appears to be the only compromise possible.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

A "Wizard Of Oz" Wedding Is Not For Everyone

Dear Tazi:

I read your recent column about the woman who was to get married later this summer. She and her boyfriend both work as circus clowns and he wanted to get married in full makeup and costume. I am in a similar situation, so I showed your answer to my girlfriend who thinks ours is a completely different situation. We have agreed to follow your advice.

My girlfriend and I are planning our wedding. We met while in high school while acting in a community theater production of The Wizard of Oz, and the play/movie have always been special to us. She played the lead role of Dorothy while I was a talking tree that threw apples at her. For our wedding, my "Dorothy" would like to have a Wizard of Oz theme. She has suggested that she dress as Dorothy and I could be the Tin Man, because he didn't know what it felt to love until he met Dorothy. She even wants the preacher to dress up like the Wizard of Oz himself and for the honor attendants to dress as Munchkins; and oh, yeah, for her dog "Toto" to be the ring-bearer! The aisle would even be a yellow brick road, and her bouquet would be a replica of the basket Dorothy carried throughout the movie and, yes, she would be wearing blue gingham and ruby red slippers.

I was sort of OK with the whole idea until Dorothy suggested that my mother dress as the Wicked Witch of the West as a "joke" since mothers-in-law are supposed to be witches (she wanted her own mother to dress as Glinda the Good Witch). I didn't find this at all funny and told her I would not go along with the Wizard of Oz theme if my mother had to be the evil witch. Dorothy thinks I am being unreasonable, that the whole theme is all in good fun. She suggested I ask my Mom her opinion about dressing up as the Wicked Witch of the West before I refuse to go along with the theme. I suggested that she do the same, but Dorothy has apparently "promised" her Mom that she could be Glinda. I know my Mom, and she will not take this very well. What do you think I should do, Tazi?

Signed,
Feeling Like The Cowardly Lion

Dear Feeling Like the Cowardly Lion:

I am in LOVE with your wedding theme! Who doesn't love The Wizard of Oz? Oh, that's right...the person who is told they must paint themselves green, dress up as a witch, and be escorted by a blue-skinned flying monkey.

From the sound of your wedding plans, the whole theme has been planned for quite some time. It sounds like Dorothy has her heart set on a Wizard of Oz theme, so I doubt anything I have to say will talk her out of this. I am, however, putting my paw down at making your Mom dress up as the Wicked Witch of the West. Please do not think of yourself as a Cowardly Lion; unless your mother has an amazing sense of humor, anyone would be scared to approach the woman who raised them with this type of request. Are your honor attendants aware that they will be asked to dress as the Lullaby League and the Lollipop Guild? The preacher aware that he will be dressed as the Wizard? Or are you waiting for a special moment to spring this information on all of them? Might I suggest a compromise?

It is obvious that the whole Wizard of Oz theme is important to you, but you might want to scale back the ideas of costumes for all. The Tin Man costume involves extensive makeup and a very uncomfortable costume. Have you thought about this yet? In the film version of The Wizard of Oz, Dorothy was supposed to be a young girl. Is this how your Dorothy would like to be dressed on her wedding day? I believe traditional wedding garb (for ALL, not just the bride and groom!) would be more appropriate, with the ruby red slippers making for a nice touch. You can still walk down the yellow brick road to the alter, hold your reception in an Emerald City themed ballroom, and have all the accouterments of Oz without offending your family, friends, or guests.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Sometimes It's The Parents And Not The Bride That's A 'Zilla!

Dear Tazi:

I am getting married this summer – in the same church that my parents and grandparents did – and I am having a problem with my guest list. My parents have long been legally separated (since I was a very young child), but due to moral beliefs (and financial comforts) they have never divorced. My mother has enjoyed her freedom from being one-half of a couple, and has never expressed interest in meeting anyone new; my father, on the other hand, has had one girlfriend after another, each one younger than the last. He has been with his current girlfriend for two years now (a record). She is only eight years older than me.

Dad has told me how disappointed “Courtney” is that she was not asked to be in my wedding party, and he has told me that she “had better” be invited to the wedding or he will not be attending. Tazi, I never even considered asking Courtney to be in my wedding party, so I have no idea why she is so disappointed. I also have no plans on issuing Courtney a separate or inclusive invitation to my wedding, but was going to address my father’s invitation with “and Guest” out of courtesy to him. When I informed him of this plan, Dad did not take it too well, accusing me of offering Courtney an “unvitation”.

The truth is, Tazi, I would prefer that Courtney not be present at my wedding at all. My father is still married by law, if not in spirit, and this will be a church wedding. The presence of his girlfriend by his side would be wholly inappropriate! I do not mind so much if she comes to the reception, because that will be held in a banquet facility that is not affiliated with the church.

My grandmother, who is paying for my wedding, is scandalized that my father would even consider bringing Courtney to the church and is outraged over the ultimatum; however a church is a public building and I would have to right to ask her to leave if he did bring her, so long as she was not being disruptive. A woman’s wedding day is supposed to be one of the most special days of her life, and I feel like mine is an impending disaster!

Signed,
August Bride

Dear August Bride:

You are right that a church is a sacred place, and for a married man to sit with his legal wife on one side and his girlfriend on the other would be quite scandalous, as well as disrespectful. Could the Pastor of the church have a word with your father about the Church’s view on this matter? Maybe hearing from a man/woman of the cloth will be enough for your father to see that you are not the only one who finds this arrangement to be disrespectful.

In reading between the lines of your letter, I get the distinct impression that you are displeased with the way your father has lived his life since his separation from your mother. You do not mention your age, just that your parents have been separated since you were “a very young child”. I will assume that you are around the age of 25, which is the average age of a bride in America today, meaning your parents have been separated for about 20 years. You say that he has had “one girlfriend after another” during this time, the longest relationship being two years. Yikes! That is a lot of women to parade in and out of a child’s life. I can see why you do not feel a sense of closeness to Courtney. This is the issue that I think you need to address.

You are an adult now, and you need to start acting like one. Rather than have your father act as a go-between for you and Courtney, I suggest you contact her yourself. Invite her out to coffee (people are less likely to make a scene in a public place) and tell her what your father has told you: that she is disappointed that she was not asked to be a member of your wedding party. If she truly is disappointed, this topic could be a springboard into why she feels disappointed. Considering your closeness in age it is possible that she is seeking a sisterly relationship with you. Is this something you could accept?

Once the ice is broken between the two of you, calmly and rationally explain to Courtney the awkward situation you are in: that you have no problem with her coming to the reception, but that your parents are still technically married; that the church is a sacred place (for several reasons); that your grandmother – who is paying for the wedding – is practically apoplectic over the idea of Courtney attending the ceremony and sitting by your father’s side.

You could then suggest the following, if Courtney does not offer a solution of her own that is to your liking: She could (A) Skip the ceremony and attend the reception or (B) Offer to attend the ceremony but sit separate from your father, in the seats reserved for the guests (as opposed to in the front pew with the parents and grandparents of the bride and groom). If Courtney has any class at all, she will put aside her hurt feelings and accept her role as a martyr to good taste. In my opinion, her acceptance of this role will raise her stock in the eyes of all involved.

If Courtney refuses to accept any of the options offered to her and cannot come up with a reasonable option of her own, you will have done all that you can and should inform your father that his presence at your wedding will be missed. I have yet to find a man who would miss his daughter’s wedding over such a petty issue – especially when you will have had jumped through hoops to resolve it.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Photographer Friend Is Guest First, Professional Second

Dear Tazi:

I am a professional photographer, and my problem is probably as old as photography itself. As you may have already guessed, my issue is with friends assuming that I will photograph their event for free as a "gift". In the market where I work, a good photographer can make upwards of $1,000 per event, so to offer my services as a gift would be extremely generous, and I have learned to be up front with these requests, explaining to my friends that I would prefer to attend the event as a guest as opposed to a contractor. Most of them get the message.

This summer promises to be a busy time for me. So far, I have paying events booked every weekend through the end of September, with very few days off. I am not complaining, and am appreciative of the work; I mention this because it has to do with the reason I am writing to you. My ex-sister-in-law "Shari" is getting re-married this June. Her divorce from my brother was a bitter one, but she and I have remained close for the sake of their young children.

Several months ago, Shari asked me if I would photograph her wedding as a gift, and I gave her my standard reply - that I would rather attend the event as an invited guest as opposed to a contractor. Shari gave me a deadpan look in response and told me that my presence as a guest would be "inappropriate" since I am the sister of her ex-husband. I was taken aback by her abruptness, and more than a little hurt that she would ask me for such an expensive wedding gift in one breath, and in the next make it clear to me that I would not be welcome as a guest. I wiggled my way out of the situation by telling Shari that I was probably already booked for that weekend, and would get back to her - which, to my shame, I never did. Both of us let the matter drop. At least, I thought we did.

This week an invitation to Shari's wedding came in the mail, along with a hand-written request that I bring my camera to photograph the event. I am not certain how to respond. Do I ignore this obvious attempt to coerce me into photographing Shari's wedding for free? R.S.V.P. that I will be attending without my camera? R.S.V.P. that I will attend, but make no mention that I will not be bringing my camera? Ignore the back-handed invite altogether? To be honest, my young nephew and niece are the only reason I have not written Shari out of my life at this point. As luck would have it, I am free the day of her wedding.

Signed,
Camera Shy

Dear Camera Shy:

If Shari were a man I would say that she has balls the size of the Trojan horse to send such a crass message in your "unvitation" to her wedding! I have heard of Bridezillas before, but Shari has truly gone the extra mile in her obvious attempt to secure your professional services free of charge. Her attempts at soliciting your services as a gift was crass enough; but to turn around and tell you that your presence as an invited guest would be inappropriate truly takes the three-tiered cake!

As tempted as you must be to ignore the invitation to Shari's wedding, refusing to R.S.V.P. is never in good taste; I suggest that you resist the urge to throw it into the circular file and forget about it. If I were you, I would send my regrets that I am unable to attend the wedding and include a hand-written note wishing Shari and her husband all the best in their new life together. If you wish to send a gift, that will be up to you. Perhaps you could offer your services to provide a bridal portrait sitting for Shari and her children? If you actually wish to attend this wedding, I would strongly advise against it, as it is pretty obvious that you are not welcome without your camera. I wish her luck in finding a photographer at this late date.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. A big paws up to you for remaining an active Auntie to your nephew and niece!

("") ("")
(These are supposed to be my paws!) --T.K.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Possibility Of A Pregnant Matron Of Honor Not An Option

Dear Tazi:

My sister got engaged last Christmas and is planning to be married this coming February - exactly one year from now. She told me that she would like me to be her Matron of Honor, but only if I am not pregnant at the time. She said she does not want a “large looking” honor attendant, especially since all of the other women she has chosen are quite petite, just like her.

Tazi, my sister’s words cut me to the bone! My husband and I have been married for three years and have been trying to conceive for the last six months, with little luck (I did conceive, but lost the pregnancy within the first month). Essentially, my sister has asked my husband and I to put our plans for a family on hold to suit her wedding plans. I have not told my husband of her request, nor have I given my sister an answer. Obviously, I would love to stand up for my sister on her wedding day, but not at the expense of my own marriage. Can you think of any way to get my sister to agree to a compromise on this matter?

Signed,
Hopefully A Mother-To-Be

Dear Hopefully A Mother-To-Be:

Was your sister drinking at the time she made this insulting condition a part of her request that you be her Matron of Honor? Honestly, that is the only reason I can think of as to why someone would think they should have any say in another woman’s fertility. As a married woman, one who is actively trying to conceive, your sister has to understand that a pregnant Matron of Honor is a very real possibility. If this is something she simply cannot get past than I am afraid you will have to tell her that you cannot accept her conditional offer – that she accepts you as you are (pregnant or not) or finds someone else to be her Honor Maid/Matron.

If this is acceptable...

Surely this is, too?

If your sister is open to compromise – and she has some very understanding friends – there is one possible solution in the form of a back-up plan. You could agree to stand up for your sister as her Matron of Honor so long as you are not pregnant/not showing and have another woman agree to be the back-up Maid/Matron of Honor if you are expecting and showing by her wedding day. This idea means investing in a dress that you might not end up wearing, and just suggesting this idea leaves a bad taste in my mouth, but you asked for an idea on how to compromise so I am providing one that your sister might agree to let happen.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. I am hoping that as her wedding date draws closer Bridezilla steps down off of her high horse and realizes what a horse’s behind she is being. I realize that the woman I am speaking of is your sister, so I am being as nice as possible!


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Bride-To-Be Has Cold Feet Towards Future Husband, But Warms Towards Future Brother-In-Law

Dear Tazi-Kat:

I am afraid that I am about to make the biggest mistake of my life. I am engaged, and my wedding is scheduled for December 12, 2012 - 12/12/12 - but I think I am marrying the wrong man. "Marc" is a good man, and I do love him; but I don't think I am in love with him. Throughout our relationship (2+ years) I have been happy; but I have always felt like there was something missing. Last month, Marc's brother "Justin" came home from oversees (he is a contractor who was working in the Middle East) and I got to meet him for the first time. Because they are brothers and are close in age they resemble each other, but that does not explain the amazing attraction I feel towards Justin. It is like he is the man I have been searching for my whole life and Marc is simply a shadow of him - which would explain my attraction to Marc.

I honestly believe that Justin is my soul-mate, and that he and I are meant to be together. The problem is, I do not know for certain how Justin feels about me. Obviously, he cannot say anything, what with me being engaged to his brother, but I a pretty certain that the attraction is mutual and he is just hiding it for the sake of family unity. I would like to say something to Justin, but am afraid that, if on the off chance he does not feel the same way, he will rat me out to Marc - then I will be left alone, with neither Justin or Marc.

I am very confused, Tazi-Kat; but like they say, the heart wants what the hearts wants - and my heart wants Justin. Could you advise me on what my next step should be, Tazi-Kat? I really feel like I should act soon, in order to make certain that I marry the correct brother on 12/12/12!

Signed,
In Love With The Other Brother

Dear In Love...:

Let me get this straight: You have known your future brother-in-law for less than a month, but are already proclaiming your love for him - and are hoping that he feels the same, and will put these feelings for you above loyalty to his family? Sweetheart, you have been reading one too many Harlequin Romance novels if you think that is going to happen.

What is most likely going on is that you have cold-feet as your wedding date approaches, and are seeking a viable reason to call off the marriage without losing the security of your romantic relationship. By trading one brother for another, you would not have to go through the work of meeting someone new; developing relationships with his family; and doing all of the awkward "getting to know you" things that occur at the start of a new relationship. However, even if you were able to simply leave Marc to date Justin, do you honestly think that their family would be fine with this scenario? Something tells me the answer to that is "no".

Right now, you have a full eleven months before your wedding - to Marc. I will not even address the idea of using your current wedding date and plans to marry his brother. I suggest that your immediate action be to dial the number of a licensed counselor to hash over all that you have written in your letter [Editor's Note: The letter was edited due to length and explicit content]. Regular sessions with a professional will help you to accept what is reality and what is fantasy; as well as assist you in accepting that which can never be reality.

I also suggest that you and Marc get some premarital counseling, if you are not already doing so. In discussing what you both expect from each other - and your future together - your interest in Justin may wane and your uncertainties about Marc may be calmed. Or, you may find the exact opposite to be true - either way, you and Marc will be moving forward with all of your cards upon the table. I realize that some of the things that are addressed may be hurtful to Marc, but it is better to address these matters before the two of you are married rather than after.

Once you have clarity on why you have stayed with Marc - in spite of the fact that you feel something is "missing" - and why you feel such sudden attraction to Justin, you will be able to make a firm decision on whether or not to call off the wedding. Since your wedding date is still a full year away - and on a date that is certain to be in demand, regardless of the fact that it falls on a Wednesday - I do not think you will have a problem getting a return on your deposits if your doubts are still in place as the day draws nearer.

-- Tazi-Kat