Sometimes It's The Parents And Not The Bride That's A 'Zilla!

Dear Tazi:

I am getting married this summer – in the same church that my parents and grandparents did – and I am having a problem with my guest list. My parents have long been legally separated (since I was a very young child), but due to moral beliefs (and financial comforts) they have never divorced. My mother has enjoyed her freedom from being one-half of a couple, and has never expressed interest in meeting anyone new; my father, on the other hand, has had one girlfriend after another, each one younger than the last. He has been with his current girlfriend for two years now (a record). She is only eight years older than me.

Dad has told me how disappointed “Courtney” is that she was not asked to be in my wedding party, and he has told me that she “had better” be invited to the wedding or he will not be attending. Tazi, I never even considered asking Courtney to be in my wedding party, so I have no idea why she is so disappointed. I also have no plans on issuing Courtney a separate or inclusive invitation to my wedding, but was going to address my father’s invitation with “and Guest” out of courtesy to him. When I informed him of this plan, Dad did not take it too well, accusing me of offering Courtney an “unvitation”.

The truth is, Tazi, I would prefer that Courtney not be present at my wedding at all. My father is still married by law, if not in spirit, and this will be a church wedding. The presence of his girlfriend by his side would be wholly inappropriate! I do not mind so much if she comes to the reception, because that will be held in a banquet facility that is not affiliated with the church.

My grandmother, who is paying for my wedding, is scandalized that my father would even consider bringing Courtney to the church and is outraged over the ultimatum; however a church is a public building and I would have to right to ask her to leave if he did bring her, so long as she was not being disruptive. A woman’s wedding day is supposed to be one of the most special days of her life, and I feel like mine is an impending disaster!

Signed,
August Bride

Dear August Bride:

You are right that a church is a sacred place, and for a married man to sit with his legal wife on one side and his girlfriend on the other would be quite scandalous, as well as disrespectful. Could the Pastor of the church have a word with your father about the Church’s view on this matter? Maybe hearing from a man/woman of the cloth will be enough for your father to see that you are not the only one who finds this arrangement to be disrespectful.

In reading between the lines of your letter, I get the distinct impression that you are displeased with the way your father has lived his life since his separation from your mother. You do not mention your age, just that your parents have been separated since you were “a very young child”. I will assume that you are around the age of 25, which is the average age of a bride in America today, meaning your parents have been separated for about 20 years. You say that he has had “one girlfriend after another” during this time, the longest relationship being two years. Yikes! That is a lot of women to parade in and out of a child’s life. I can see why you do not feel a sense of closeness to Courtney. This is the issue that I think you need to address.

You are an adult now, and you need to start acting like one. Rather than have your father act as a go-between for you and Courtney, I suggest you contact her yourself. Invite her out to coffee (people are less likely to make a scene in a public place) and tell her what your father has told you: that she is disappointed that she was not asked to be a member of your wedding party. If she truly is disappointed, this topic could be a springboard into why she feels disappointed. Considering your closeness in age it is possible that she is seeking a sisterly relationship with you. Is this something you could accept?

Once the ice is broken between the two of you, calmly and rationally explain to Courtney the awkward situation you are in: that you have no problem with her coming to the reception, but that your parents are still technically married; that the church is a sacred place (for several reasons); that your grandmother – who is paying for the wedding – is practically apoplectic over the idea of Courtney attending the ceremony and sitting by your father’s side.

You could then suggest the following, if Courtney does not offer a solution of her own that is to your liking: She could (A) Skip the ceremony and attend the reception or (B) Offer to attend the ceremony but sit separate from your father, in the seats reserved for the guests (as opposed to in the front pew with the parents and grandparents of the bride and groom). If Courtney has any class at all, she will put aside her hurt feelings and accept her role as a martyr to good taste. In my opinion, her acceptance of this role will raise her stock in the eyes of all involved.

If Courtney refuses to accept any of the options offered to her and cannot come up with a reasonable option of her own, you will have done all that you can and should inform your father that his presence at your wedding will be missed. I have yet to find a man who would miss his daughter’s wedding over such a petty issue – especially when you will have had jumped through hoops to resolve it.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Son Of White Coated Professionals Wants A Horse Of A Different Color

Dear Tazi:

I am 20 years old and enrolled in junior college because my grades in high school weren't all that great. It wasn't because I am stupid; it's just because I hate school. My father is a doctor and my mother an M.S.N [Ed. Note: That is a Nurse with a Master's in Nursing]. My whole life they have pushed education on me, but it just isn't my thing. What I really want to do is be a long-distance trucker.

Please don't laugh or think this is a fake letter because it is not. When I was a kid, I used to love talking on my uncle's CB radio. I would talk with truckers from all over the country, and I loved the stories they would tell me. It was never anything a kid shouldn't hear, just stuff about what they saw while traveling the country. I would go to bed dreaming about one day driving a big rig!

As a teenager my parents kept pushing school on me, making me get a tutor to improve my grades and grounding me for bad grades. I told them that I didn't want to go to college, that I wanted to go to trucking school to learn how to drive a rig. They never took me seriously and told me if I wanted to do that I could pay for it myself. I can't get financial aid because I am a dependant student and my parents make too much money. If I move out on my own, I won't be considered an independent student for at least two years. Right now, keeping my grades at passing level is hard enough without having to work full-time on top of it, so I can't work more hours while in school, even if I could get them. I can't drop out of school either or my parents will cut me off financially.

Tazi, do you have any ideas on how to get my parents to see my point of view?

10-4 Ol' Buddy

Dear 10-4...:

I think in ordeer to accomplish your dream you will have to take steps to show your parents how much your dream of being a professional driver means to you. At 20 years old, you are legally an adult and need to start being responsible for your own future if you wish to control where it is going. I can understand how your parents would want you to follow their path of white collar careers, but if this is not the path for you than you need to do what you must to get onto that path - even if it pulls you from your current comfort zone. As I see it, your options are not as entirely limited as you make them sound.

I understand that you are currently dependant upon your parents for financial assistance. I also understand that you do not like school, and get the impression that you have little to no desire to continue with formal/traditional education. You say that if you quit school, your parents will cut you off financially. If you were working full time, would you be able to make enough to support yourself? If so, this is one possible path; and in two years you could apply for financial aid as an independent student.

All the while attempting to make people understand....

If this plan does not appeal to you, another option would be to have someone teach you how to drive a rig. Do you know any truckers who would be kind enough to teach you how to drive a rig, and allow you to train on their tractor-trailers? Does your local Teamsters Union have an internship program to which you could apply? There are many professional drivers who never actually went to school to learn, but learned from other drivers or as part of military training, which brings me to your third option.

If you are physically fit and have an interest in serving, the Army National Guard; Air Force National Guard; or the Marine Reserves all offer opportunities for you to make extra money and learn how to drive large transport vehicles.

Any of these options will offer you a combination of training and experience that will loosen the financial grip your parents have upon you, as well as push you out of adolescence and into adulthood. Once your parents see how serious you are about becoming a professional driver, perhaps they will be more willing to invest in your dream. As parents, they only want what is best for you. If you show them that you are willing to do what it takes to make your dream a reality, perhaps they will be willing to meet you halfway and put your junior college tuition towards an education at your local tractor-trailer driving school.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

EXTRA EDITION: A (Hopefully!) Final Word On The Prayer Banner Controversy

Dear Readers:

I received this letter in the comments section of the student response to "Falcon Forever", and am printing it as a letter because I feel it sums up the entire issue of the Cranston (RI) High School West prayer banner controversy. Enjoy!

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. Of all the comments and letters I have received on this matter, the overwhelming majority have been against keeping the banner.

Tazi,

Never felt moved to comment, although I love your work on this blog, until I followed your coverage of the "Cranston prayer banner" story. I have my own thoughts on the subject, and unless you decide that you've devoted enough time to the topic and want to move on (which I've seen cats do quite easily, which is why I love them so much), you have my permission to post this as a separate letter as well.

I've seen a lot of people commenting on the story suggest that Jessica could have just ignored the banner, but it doesn't change the fact that it is completely unconstitutional to have any prayer in a public school, regardless of what religion it promotes. I don't think it's about whether or not she thought that the Christian underground was out to convert her, or if she hated organized religion and all its manifestations. I believe she just thought it was illegal to have there. If alumni of an inner city school gifted a block of crack to their alma mater, it would be illegal for the school to have it, and no one would disagree. She thought that this was illegal for the school to possess/display as well. There seems to be this idea that she was out to destroy baby Jesus and succeeded, which is missing the point. She was pointing out a technicality, and the circuit judge agreed. Freedom of religion also means freedom from religion.

One complainant mentioned on Facebook: "The prayer is never recited; no one even knows the damn thing, except that it's up on the [expletive deleted] wall; and no one ever sees the wall, 'cause no one is ever in the [expletive deleted] auditorium, and when they are there, the [expletive deleted] lights are off!" If that is the case, then why make a big deal about it being taken down? She made her case, and legally she won, and if no one has ever noticed the thing before, then they shouldn't have any problems with it not being there.

Finally, a random thought from my past: When I was in the sixth grade, after the Pledge of Allegiance, we would recite what was called a "Class Code" every morning, and I still remember it by heart: "As sixth graders, we must be respectful of each other, always strive to do our very best work, cooperate as a class, treat everyone as we would like to be treated, and be an excellent example for the rest of the school." It's no Our Father, for sure, but it's a valid statement, perfectly complete and respectable with no religious inclusions whatsoever, unless you want to count the Golden Rule, which to be frank was repeated by many great minds before, during, and after the time of Christ. Without the appeal to a "Heavenly Father" and the "Amen" closing, I'm sure even Jessica herself wouldn't see a problem with a "class code" or "code of ethics" or whatever you want to call it based on the remaining words:

"Grant us each day the desire to do our best,
To grow mentally and morally as well as physically,
To be kind and helpful to our classmates and teachers,
To be honest with ourselves as well as with others,
Help us to be good sports and smile when we lose as well as when we win,
Teach us the value of true friendship,
Help us always to conduct ourselves so as to bring credit to Cranston High School West."

That's beautiful! And it doesn't offend anyone. I suspect the only reason Cranston West didn't make such a change when public prayer was no longer allowed in schools is because, based on the complainant's words, successive administrations have forgotten the prayer was ever there. And you know what they say about forgetting: "If you forget something, invariably it'll come back to bite you in the behind." That's what I think happened here.

-gdelgi

Tazi here again! Perhaps compromise can rule the day, and the opening and closing of this prayer/creed/code can simply be painted over so as to read as a School Code, as has been suggested by others. Cats don't usually believe in compromise - after all, whatever we want we consider ours - but we hate to see humans argue (the noise disturbs our inner peace). Thank you for sharing!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

EXTRA EDITION: Student Response To Prayer Banner Controversy

Dear Tazi:

I am writing in response to your letter from "Falcon Forever" about the Cranston High School West prayer banner. Although I can appreciate your desire to stay neutral, I think that the voice of the current students needs to be heard.

My friends and I are students at Cranston West. For the past several years, it has been drilled into our heads that bullying is wrong; that bullying takes many shapes, and to be on the look-out to make sure that what we consider fun and games does not cross the line into bullying. Due to zero tolerance policies, we are all careful to be considerate of others. So why is it that Jessica Ahlquist can bully the rest of us with her non-beliefs? Whatever happened to the idea of majority rule or even compromise or arbitration? Her all-or-nothing attitude is what has everyone so angry.

Last year, I made my Confirmation (I am Catholic) and as a part of the preparation I had to go on a weekend retreat. It was then that I had a spiritual awakening, and I realized the importance of my faith in God. Up until this point, it wasn't something I really though about; I only went to church on holidays and never said formal prayers. I still don't say formal prayers, and I don't believe that any one religion is better than another; but my belief in God is now a part of my daily life - something I never saw happening. How can Jessica Ahlquist - who is a year younger than me - be so certain that she will not change her mind in a few years? Even "Jane Roe" of Roe v. Wade fame is now a staunch pro-lifer.

At our school, we have people of many faiths - Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Wiccan, etc. and we all get along. Nobody made a big deal of the prayer banner because it wasn't a big deal until Jessica Ahlquist made it one. Now that the [feces] has hit the fan and is blowing back at her, she wants to play the victim. But what about the rest of us? Haven't we been victimized by her bullying?

Signed,
Falcon Now And Forever

Dear Falcon Now And Forever:

I am printing your letter to give the a forum to the student voice, as you suggested. Quite honestly, when I printed the original letter as an EXTRA EDITION I did so because I thought the issue would be dead within a week. I had no idea that people felt so strongly about the banner; but the issue at hand does not appear to be just about a banner, does it? It appears to be about bullying and those who feel that the small minority is marginalizing the vast majority.

Although I stand by my original response - that I will not voice an opinion on the judge's decision and that I feel the reaction of the people mocks the very banner they seek to defend - I will add that I am very disappointed in Ms. Ahlquist's refusal to attend classes out of fear of bullying (death threats are another story; and Ms. Ahlquist has been afforded police protection ). True courage is not standing up for what you believe in, but in standing up to the face of adversity in order to defend your beliefs.

There is fault on both sides of the controversy, but now is not the time to assign blame. Rather, it is a time to work towards healing.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

EXTRA EDITION: Prayer Banner In School A Hot Topic!

Dear Tazi-Kat:

I am aware of the fact that you are a Rhode Island based writer - er, cat - so I am certain that you are aware of the whole prayer banner debacle in the city of Cranston. I think it is utterly ridiculous that the time and money of our court systems is being wasted on such foolishness!

The banner - which is actually a painting, not a physical banner - has stood as a piece of artwork for decades with no complaint from anybody. Now some 15-year-old girl who claims to have "known" that she was an atheist since the age of 10 is having her will upheld over the majority. What 10 year old is certain of their religious convictions? Heck, what teenager is certain of their dogmatic convictions? Years from now, this little snot will have moved on with her life, but the ramifications of what she leaves behind will still be felt.

Am I - and the vast majority of those who speak out on this matter - in the wrong? Or are we right to believe that our collective voice is stronger than the shenanigans of this kid?

Signed,
Falcon Forever

Dear Falcon Forever:

Your letter was one of three that I received on this subject just today; and it was the only one with language I could print.

You are correct that I am a Rhode Island based cat, and that I have heard of the debacle over the prayer banner in the auditorium of one of the local high schools. [Ed. Note: The mascot of the school in question is a falcon]. I am printing your letter because it is socially relevant, not because it is something on which I wish to give an opinion.

The question of separation of church and state is one that is settled in the U.S. Constitution, which states "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."

How this amendment is interpreted has been the stuff of legal wrangling for decades. There are those who believe that Thomas Jefferson's figurative "wall of separation" between church and state is the standard by which we all should live; and there are those who believe that tolerance for the majority rule is more in keeping with our American system of democracy.

Although I will choose not to weigh in with an opinion on this matter, I will comment on the tone of your letter: it is disrespectful. I realize that you are angry and that you feel your civil rights have been violated; but the very wording of the prayer asks for "Help...to be good sports and smile when we lose as well as when we win" as well as spiritual guidance to "always to conduct ourselves so as to bring credit to Cranston High School West". You mock the very prayer you seek to defend. A civil discourse should remain thus. I welcome comments from my readers - across Rhode Island, across the United States, and across the world.

-- Tazi

This letter was received on 1/12/12 and printed as an extra edition due to its time-sensitive relevancy. --TK