Future Groom Ashamed Of His Family's Embarrassing Behavior

Dear Tazi:

My father is an ethnic stereotype: he is an Irish-Catholic man, complete with red hair and freckles, who drinks too much; beats up on my mother; and has fathered more children than he has the money to support. I escaped the house by moving away to college (to that famous Irish-Catholic university, of course). I found a job in the greater-metropolitan area a month before I graduated and have never bothered to return home, except for the occasional visit to see my mother.

I will be getting married this winter, and my fiancée has never met my parents. She keeps talking about how excited she is to meet my parents and asking why I never talk about them. Tazi, I am not embarrassed or ashamed of where I come from; I am just tired of dealing with their behavior. I know that they will never change – Dad will continue to live in a constantly drunken state and Mom will continue to wear long sleeves in 90-degree weather. I would really prefer to keep our relationship a politely detached one, with a respectful amount of distance between us. To be blunt, I would prefer to not invite my parents to the wedding but I doubt my fiancée would agree to that without a full explanation as to why I do not want them there.

My biggest fear about having my parents at my wedding is that Dad will show up drunk, remain drunk, and continue drinking until he passes out on the dance floor because “It’s a celebration!” I am not exaggerating, Tazi; this is exactly what happened at my sister’s wedding a few years ago, while all the while Mom kept making excuses for his behavior.

Should I delve into the whole mess of my parents issues with my fiancée? Ask one of my sisters to do it for me (two of them will be bridesmaids)? Or suck it up and hope that my father will have learned from his past behavior?

Signed,
Husband-To-Be

Dear Husband-To-Be:

Are you certain that you are not ashamed of your parents? You describe your father as “an ethnic stereotype” and refuse to talk about him with your fiancée. I realize that you do not wish to rehash all the details of your childhood, but a simple explanation along the lines of “my father is an abusive alcoholic and my mother is his enabler” would suffice to let your future wife know why you wish to exclude your parents from your nuptial festivities.

If you are truly emotionally stunted to the point that you cannot find the fortitude to discuss this matter with your fiancée, and your two sisters who are serving with bridesmaids are close enough to your fiancée and comfortable enough with the mission, then I would say it is alright for them to broach the subject with her. However, you should not be at all surprised if your fiancée is hurt that you did not approach her yourself. A part of marriage is being able to share all of yourself with your spouse, not just the comfortable stuff.

A practical but unpopular solution to your problem would be to have a dry wedding, serving only coffee; tea; and soft drinks. Instead of a champagne toast, a sparkling white grape juice toast could substitute. It’s just a thought.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. There are several famous Irish-Catholic colleges, from the University of Notre Dame to Boston College. Your coyness annoys me!


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Teenage Drinker May Be Teenage Alcoholic

Dear Tazi:

I am 18 and I think I might have a drinking problem.  I don’t want to say I might be an alcoholic, because I don’t think my drinking is that bad; I only drink because there is nothing else to do where I live.  If there was something to do around here I know that I wouldn’t drink as much, but there isn’t and I get bored so I drink.

All of my friends drink, so I never noticed how much I drink until I met my new girlfriend.  She doesn’t drink at all and doesn’t like it when I drink.  She is always on me about my drinking and I was going to break up with her because of all the [nagging] when she challenged me to go one whole weekend without drinking.  I never turn down a bet or challenge of any kind, so I took her on figuring it was an easy win.  Tazi, I lost.  I made it until Saturday night and was going out of my mind for a beer! 

I did break down and start drinking that weekend, but every beer I drank tasted funny.  I kept thinking I might be addicted, which ruined my buzz.  I have been fine since, sort of; I can drink without the beer tasting funny, but its not as fun as it was before my girl pointed out what she calls my “dependency upon beer to have a good time”.  Tazi, am I an alcoholic?

Signed,

Likes My Beer

Dear Likes My Beer:

It is not for me to decide whether or not you are an alcoholic; only you can come to such a personal realization.  I can, however, provide for you a list of characteristics of an alcoholic, courtesy of WebMD.com:  

Signs of alcohol abuse

You have problems at work or school because of your drinking, such as being late or not going at all.

You drink in risky situations, such as before or while driving a car.

After drinking, you can't remember what happened while you were drinking (blackouts).

You have legal problems because of your drinking, such as being arrested for harming someone or driving while drunk (intoxicated).

You get hurt or you hurt someone else when you are drinking.

You keep drinking even though you have health problems that are caused or made worse by alcohol use, such as liver disease (cirrhosis).

Your friends or family members are worried about your drinking.

Signs of alcohol dependence or addiction

You cannot quit drinking or control how much you drink.

You need to drink more to get the same effect.

You have withdrawal symptoms when you stop drinking. These include feeling sick to your stomach, sweating, shakiness, and anxiety.

You spend a lot of time drinking and recovering.

You have given up other activities so you can drink.

You keep drinking even though it harms your relationships and causes health problems.

Whether or not you recognize yourself in the above list(s), I do believe that you are abusing alcohol since you are using it as a cure for boredom.  The next time you find yourself reaching for a drink, ask yourself, “Why do I want this drink?”  When you discover the cause of your desire for alcohol you can work on finding a cure for it.  If the cause is boredom, I suggest you find a hobby – other than drinking – to occupy your time.    

If possible, I suggest you visit a local Alcoholics Anonymous meeting to see where your drinking could lead you if you do not get your desire for alcohol under control.  If you find this visit helps you, I suggest that you continue to go to these meetings.  “Bill W.” has many friends who would be happy to help you through your struggles with alcohol abuse.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Is This The Pot Calling Out The Kettle?

Dear Tazi:

I have a girlfriend that I love very much and who I would like to make my wife. There is just one thorn between us that we cannot seem to resolve. "Sheila" likes to smoke pot. She smokes it on a daily basis, several times a day. She claims that it relaxes her, and provides a host of medical benefits; however, these "medical benefits" have not been scientifically proven and I feel that she is actually harming her health. If she were to quit smoking pot I would drop to one knee in an instant.

The other side of this picture is that I like to drink beer. I do not drink hard liquor and, unlike pot, alcohol has scientifically proven medical benefits. I do not drink to excess - usually I will have no more than a six-pack a night - and I feel that the health benefits I derive from alcohol outweigh Sheila's objections that I may be harming my liver.

I have asked Sheila to stop smoking pot, and she has said she would - if I quit drinking. I believe that what she is asking is unreasonable, considering the fact that alcohol is not illegal and pot is. I think she only offered to quit smoking pot under these circumstances because she knew I would say no to giving up beer which, as I have mentioned, has proven medicinal effects.

What is your opinion, Tazi? Is Sheila being unreasonable or am I - as she claims - being a hypocrite?

Signed,
Beer Man

Dear Beer Man:

As much as I dislike marijuana and the many questionable studies done on it, I have to admit that it does have some redeeming qualities (it can work as a pain killer or to relieve anxiety; it cannot cure lung cancer). If Sheila is using marijuana in moderation and for a diagnosed medical condition such as anxiety or chronic pain and it offers her relief that she cannot get through legally acceptable medical means, than I condone the use of it. This, however, is a lot of "if's" and "and's".

As for your drinking habit - for that really is what it is - you should not try to excuse it with the reasoning that alcohol has medical benefits. Yes, it has been proven that a moderate intake of alcohol is beneficial; however, your intake is not considered "moderate" by any accepted scientific opinion! Two 12-ounce beers per day is considered the maximum amount of alcohol that should be imbibed before damage to one's liver and kidneys will start to occur. Your habit of "usually" not drinking "more than a six-pack a night" means you drink to excess on a regular basis, and any medicinal benefits you are receiving are overridden by the damage you are causing to your body.

Since you ask my opinion I will give it: I think you are being a hypocrite, and that you and Sheila both need to seek professional help - for your habits, and for your relationship. I would advise that neither of you consider marriage until you have learned to fight fair, and to respect each other. In other words, learn to see how you look through the eyes of the other, and move forward from there.

Perfunctory Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. Do you even know for certain if Sheila would say yes to your marriage proposal? --T.K.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

A Pool Can Make For Quite An Attraction; Can Sometime Attract Unwanted Guests

Dear Tazi:

My wife and I moved to our middle-class suburban neighborhood two years ago. We do not have children, although many of our friends do, and we like to entertain. Normally when we entertain, we do not have to explicitly comment that it is an adults-only event and that it would be inappropriate to bring children. It is not that we do not like children; it is just that we prefer the company of adults at our cocktail parties. Plus, my wife and I both feel that a cocktail party is not the proper venue for a child.

Spring is here, which means summer will soon be arriving; and with it our annual entertaining issue. As previously stated, we "normally" do not have to explicitly state our parties are adults-only; but in the summer-time, nothing is normal. My wife and I have an in-ground pool and enjoy swimming in it for both fitness and fun. We do not mind having the neighbors over with their children during the day, so long as they keep an eye on their charges; but evening is when we entertain, and as I have said cocktails and children do not belong in the same room. Unfortunately, there are a few couples on my street who feel that rules do not apply during the summer months.

These couples are always welcome in our home, so we do not wish to offend them by asking that they leave their kids at home; but my wife and I are not comfortable with having children near the pool when it is dark and their supervision have been imbibing. Most of the neighbors have made comments to these couples, suggesting that they leave their children at home, but the usual response is to comment on how much their children just love the pool, and how they don't have the heart to leave them at home. Short of closing the pool to all of our guests - thus eliminating the one thing of interest to these children - how should we handle this situation?

Signed,
Party-Planner

Dear Party Planner:

You seem to me to be the generous sort; opening your pool to those who wish to use it, with the stipulation that parents keep an eye on the children that they brought with them. Therefore, I am going to suggest that you be direct in approaching your neighbors who insist on bringing their children to your soirees. In a polite but firm manner, let them know that daiquiris and children are not a good mix; and that their children are welcome to use the pool during the day, with parental supervision, when alcohol is not being served.

I realize that being direct is a great way to offend some people; but I believe the presence of children is the greater offense to the rest of your guests, who appear to want to relax in a grown-up environment. You do not mention how these children behave when they are in your pool; but I am guessing they can be quite rambunctious, when all the adults want to do is relax and cool-off in calm waters. If the parents in question are offended, simply restate that no offense is meant and that you are simply looking out for the comfort and well-being of all of your guests. At this point, some of your other guests will probably come to your aide to assist in driving home the point.

Rare is the person who will bite the hand that feeds it. If these couples enjoy both your company and your hospitality, I doubt that asking them to leave their children at home during the adults-only time will offend them so much that they storm out, never to return.

If the direct approach is not a direction you are comfortable taking, expect these couples to return with children in tow. At that point, simply inform them that the children can sit in or around the pool as the adults do but, for the comfort and safety of all, rambunctious play will not be allowed. The children will probably be so bored out of their minds that they will beg their parents to take them home and leave them there.

Now, may I add one last suggestion about serving alcohol at an evening pool party? I would not advise it. Alcohol and swimming can lead to drowning and other serious but unintended consequences, especially when the lighting is too dim to see well. You may want to keep the pool open during daylight hours only - something that would also solve the problem of children attending your evening get-togethers.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Beer Drinker Wants Pot Smoker To Quit, Refuses To Kick His Own Habit

Dear Tazi:

I have a girlfriend that I love very much and who I would like to make my wife. There is just one thorn between us that we cannot seem to resolve. "Sheila" likes to smoke pot. She smokes it on a daily basis, several times a day. She claims that it relaxes her, and provides a host of medical benefits; however, these "medical benefits" have not been scientifically proven and I feel that she is actually harming her health. If she were to quit smoking pot I would drop to one knee in an instant.

The other side of this picture is that I like to drink beer. I do not drink hard liquor and, unlike pot, alcohol has scientifically proven medical benefits. I do not drink to excess - usually I will have no more than a six-pack a night - and I feel that the health benefits I derive from alcohol outweigh Sheila's objections that I may be harming my liver.

I have asked Sheila to stop smoking pot, and she has said she would - if I quit drinking. I believe that what she is asking is unreasonable, considering the fact that alcohol is not illegal and pot is (at least for now). I think she only offered to quit smoking pot under these circumstances because she knew I would say no to giving up beer which, as I have mentioned, has proven medicinal effects.

What is your opinion, Tazi? Is Sheila being unreasonable or am I - as she claims - being a hypocrite?

Signed,
Beer Man

Dear Beer Man:

As much as I dislike marijuana and the many questionable studies done on it, I have to admit that it does have some redeeming qualities (it can work as a pain killer or to relieve anxiety; it cannot cure lung cancer). If Sheila is using marijuana in moderation and for a diagnosed medical condition such as anxiety or chronic pain and it offers her relief that she cannot get through legally acceptable medical means, than I condone the use of it. This, however, is a lot of "if's" and "and's".

As for your drinking habit - for that really is what it is - you should not try to excuse it with the reasoning that alcohol has medical benefits. Yes, it has been proven that a moderate intake of alcohol is beneficial; however, your intake is not considered "moderate" by any accepted scientific opinion! Two 12-ounce beers per day is considered the maximum amount of alcohol that should be imbibed before damage to one's liver and kidneys will start to occur. Your habit of "usually" not drinking "more than a six-pack a night" means you drink to excess on a regular basis, and any medicinal benefits you are receiving are overridden by the damage you are causing to your body.

Since you ask my opinion I will give it: I think you are being a hypocrite, and that you and Sheila both need to seek professional help - for your habits, and for your relationship. I would advise that neither of you consider marriage until you have learned to fight fair, and to respect each other. In other words, learn to see how you look through the eyes of the other, and move forward from there.

Perfunctory Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. Do you even know for certain if Sheila would say yes to your marriage proposal? --T.K.


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.