Choosing To Move On Does Not Mean Forgiveness Is Not Sincere

Dear Tazi:

I had been dating my now ex-boyfriend "Greg" for not quite two years when he was arrested for drunk driving. The passenger in the car he hit was seriously injured and almost died, and Greg was criminally charged. I was completely disgusted with what he had done and had no desire to stay with a man who was probably going to end up in jail, so I broke up with him.

Greg assumed that I was breaking up with him out of an immediate sense of anger, and surprisingly respected my decision. I should have known it was too good to be true, because as his trial date approaches, he has been calling me and emailing me, asking if we could try again. He has told me that he recognizes that he was at fault in the accident, and that driving drunk was a foolish and irresponsible thing to do and that he is ready to accept whatever punishment the judge gives him. He is planning on pleading "no contest" to the charges, on the advice of his lawyer, who tells him that pleading guilty will look worse on a criminal record.

Tazi, I believe that by pleading "no contest" to avoid admitting guilt is not accepting responsibility for his actions, and I have told Greg this. When he asked me to wait for him, I flat out refused, telling him that we do not have a future together. I thought this was the end of things, when Greg's mother called me. Apparently, Greg has decided to plead guilty in order to prove to me that he truly accepts responsibility for his actions that night. She is angry with me and has accused me of leading Greg on, implying that we could have a future together if he is willing to plead guilty. This was not my intent.

I emailed Greg to tell him that regardless of his plea we do not have a future together and that he should not be making decisions based on how he thinks I will react. I am strongly against drunk driving on both legal and moral principles, and cannot see myself building a future with someone who has committed this heinous crime. My email did not go over very well, Tazi.

After what I hoped was the final word on the subject Greg's mother called me again and told me that Greg was pleading guilty and "hoping for as much jail time as possible" because he could not see himself living his life without me and that if he was locked up it would make the pain of losing me easier to bear. His mother is now demanding that I tell Greg that I will wait for him - even if it is a lie - so he does not throw away his entire future over our break-up.

Tazi, am I punishing Greg too harshly for his behavior, as his mother claims? Is my refusal to lower my personal standards tantamount to a refusal to forgive Greg his sins? Am I being a hypocrite, as his mother claims, or am I right in my decision to move on with my life and to search for someone who shares my morals?

Signed,
Confused Christian

Dear Confused Christian:

I think you need to take a giant step back from the situation and try to look at it through clearer eyes. Greg's mother is dumping her fears and frustrations on you in an emotionally abusive way. I cannot say I blame her for blaming you - she is upset, and it does appear that her son is dumping responsibility for his bad judgement onto you. This does not mean that his mother's actions are excusable, just explainable.

I suggest that you stand your ground on not getting back with Greg, and not appeasing his mother by lying to him and giving him false hopes that could come back to hurt you in the near future. I think that until Greg'd legal issues are settled one way or the other, you need to keep your distance from him. Greg would be smart to accept his attorney's counsel - that is why he is paying him - and not try to prove a point to you by pleading guilty and accepting a harsher sentence for his crime.

From what you have written, it appears that Greg wishes to plead guilty to prove to you that he is willing to accept full responsibility for his crimes (and make no bones about it, drunk driving is a crime); however, by doing so he may incur a harsher punishment at sentencing - and beyond. It is difficult enough for someone with a felony conviction to rebuild their lives post-incarceration; a plea of "guilty" over "no contest" can make this process even more difficult. In your desire to take the moral high road, do not blind yourself to these facts.

Are you judging Greg too harshly for his behavior? Perhaps. Has Greg apologized to those he has hurt? Has he asked for their forgiveness, and offered to do penance by them? If his actions speak as loud as his words, than yes you are being too harsh. I am not saying you must get back together with Greg, but you must be willing to accept his apology if you wish to call yourself "Christian". Your place is not to judge the sincerity of his remorse, but to work on overcoming the anger you feel towards him.

To answer your second question, I do not feel that a refusal to lower your standards is a refusal to forgive Greg's sins. You have the right to move on with your life and to search for someone new, but I suggest that you unload the emotional baggage you are carrying before you attempt a romantic relationship with someone new.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Self-Righteous Hypocrite Calls Ex-Wife A Sinner

Dear Tazi:

My ex-wife is calling me a hypocrite, and I am not sure if I am or not. I am afraid to talk to my Pastor about this situation, because the man I am today is not the man I once was and I do not wish for him to see that deeply into my past. The Lord has forgiven me my sins; they are in the past.

Back when we were dating, my now ex-wife "Darcy" got pregnant. She wanted to keep the baby but I was not comfortable with this decision; I was not ready to be a father and we did not have the money to get married. We would have ended up on welfare and other government services which was not then nor now the future I ever envisioned for myself. I convinced Darcy of the logic of having an abortion, which she had. We were married a few years later but things did not work out between us, partially because Darcy could never get over the loss of her child and my refusal to start a family until I felt we were financially secure.

It's been a little over a year since our divorce finalized and I have been born again in the Faith. Darcy's attendance at the Mass has always been spotty, but she generally goes once a month and on the holidays. I have discovered through mutual friends that she continues to receive the Eucharist, in spite of her mortal sin (you know, her abortion). I wrote Darcy a nice letter explaining to her that she had ex-communicated herself when she chose to commit her sin, and that she should excuse herself from receiving until her soul has been cleansed through the sacrament of confession - and maybe not even then.

Darcy showed up at my house a few days later with my letter in her hand. I thought she wanted to politely discuss the matter, but to my dismay she threw accusations at me! In addition to calling me a hypocrite, she accused me of forcing her to have her abortion! I may have driven her to the clinic, yes, but who else was going to take her? Ultimately, it was her decision not mine; after all, it is a woman's right to choose, not a man's!

My friends have confirmed that Darcy continues to receive the gift of the Eucharist when she goes to church, and this is bothering me. I would like to go to her Pastor to reveal her dark past to him, but I fear doing so would result in my part of the sin - for which I have cleansed myself - being revealed. Only my Lord has the right to judge me, so while I am not ashamed of my past I would rather it not be known. I called Darcy and reiterated my disappointment over her decision to receive the Blessed Sacrament and even suggested that I might tell her Pastor what she seeks to hide, but she threatened to tell "everyone" that I forced her to have an abortion! Obviously, I have kept my mouth shut and prayed quite a bit on this matter and I think my decision to go to Darcy's Pastor is the right one. Yet, I cannot stop hearing her voice calling me a hypocrite. Am I?

Signed,
Washed Clean In The Water

Dear Washed Clean In The Water:

Yes. Yes, you are a hypocrite and not only that you are the worst kind of hypocrite - a self-righteous hypocrite who believes in forgiveness 'for me but not for thee' as the expression goes. Your ex-wife was in a very vulnerable position - unmarried and pregnant - when her support system (you) pushed for her to terminate her pregnancy. Your suggestion that it was Darcy's "choice" makes me sick, considering you gave her a choice between a rock and a hard place, considerately offering to drive her to the clinic but not offering to be there for her if she chose to carry to term.

You twice comment that your sins have been forgiven yet assume that Darcy's sins have not (and then pontificate that even if they have she should continue to self-flagellate in punishment). Reconciliation and Penance are a very personal topic. I can understand why Darcy would have no desire to discuss the two with you. You further comment that you are not ashamed of your past but would prefer it not be known. This is the very definition of shame!

You do not mention what denomination your faith is, but my teachings are Catholic and your views seem equally strict, so I will work from that point. According to the writings of Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI "Regarding the grave sin of abortion or euthanasia, when a person’s formal cooperation becomes manifest...his Pastor should meet with him, instructing him about the Church’s teaching, informing him that he is not to present himself for Holy Communion until he brings to an end the objective situation of sin, and warning him that he will otherwise be denied the Eucharist." (Courtesy of Evangelical Word Television Network).

The fact that you have not told your Pastor about your "part of the sin" leaves me wondering if you have received the sacrament of reconciliation that you seem so gung-ho to force upon Darcy. My advice to you is to seek the advice of your Pastor with regard to your behavior - past and present - and to leave Darcy alone before you find yourself in trouble with the laws of this world (harassment and emotional abuse come to mind).

-- Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

To Err Human, To Forgive Divine, But Penance Is Another Story

Dear Tazi:

Several years ago, when I was newly married, I cheated on my husband with the man I had dated before meeting my husband. It was not a one time fling, but it only lasted a couple of months before I came to my senses and ended things. Shortly after, I found out I was pregnant and since I thought it was my boyfriend’s baby (and not my husband) I secretly had an abortion and told my husband it was a miscarriage.

A few years after all of this happened I found God and was saved. I confessed my wrongdoings to God and to my husband, who mercifully decided not to leave me. In return, I have been a devoted wife to him and have not so much as looked at another man in all those years. I am truly penitent for my sins and hold a grateful heart for the second chance I have been given.

I am as open as I can possibly be with my husband, including sharing a personal email account with him so he can see that I am not hiding any secret messages from men. I do have a separate email address for my work; I work from home as a freelancer and keep my business mail separate from my personal mail so I can have a more businesslike email address and a personal sounding email address. I keep a portfolio of my work online with my business email as the contact address.

Last week, a very old boyfriend (not the same one I cheated with) contacted me, telling me he was Googling ex-girlfriends to see what had become of them and he found my portfolio. He complimented my work and told me he was happy for my success. Tazi, I was quite happy to receive his email, not because I have feelings for him (I don’t) but because I was a struggling art student when I dated this man, and he always encouraged me to give up on my dream and pursue “a more realistic goal”. To know that he knows he was wrong and that I am a successful artist was a boost to my pride. I know pride is a sin, but Tazi this man was very cruel to me and I feel that recognition of my success is his penance.

I immediately told my husband that an old boyfriend had contacted me via email, and showed him both the email and my haughty response. My husband flipped out on me, accusing me of contacting old boyfriends behind his back. I told him that was not true and showed him my entire email box. When he suggested that I had deleted my secret emails I showed him my deleted mail, too, but he suggested that I knew he would ask to see them and so I deleted them from my trash bin.

My husband is now demanding complete access to my business email account, saying he cannot trust that I am not up to my “old tricks” again. It has been fifteen years since I cheated, and I thought our marriage was secure and healthy. My husband’s accusations have hurt me deeply, and I would like him to apologize but he has told me that I am the one who wronged him and that this is a part of my penance. Do you think he is being unreasonable, or should I give in to his demands? I would ask the people of our church, but I would rather they not know of my marital spats and deeply embarrassing behaviors that no longer represent the person I am today.

Signed,

Reform Artist

Dear Reform Artist:

So often, the most difficult part of forgiveness is penance for our sins – not only performing that penance, but accepting it as proof of true remorse for hurtful actions. Why you ever told your husband that you cheated on him is something you do not share here, but many social workers believe that sharing hurtful information that would otherwise never be discovered is a way of assuaging our own guilt over our hurtful actions. You need to ask yourself what you hoped to gain by telling your husband you were unfaithful and then lying to him about the true cause of your pregnancy’s termination. Clearing your conscience at the cost of someone else’s well-being is not a very Christina action. While you may have been left to think that your marriage was on solid ground all these years, did you ever stop to think how your husband has felt?

You speak a lot about penance, yet you think that a small loss of privacy is a large enough penance for the sins of adultery and lying, and that shaming someone who did not believe in you as a youth is deserved. Lady, you have a very warped idea of what a just and deserved penance is. It has been decades since your ex-boyfriend told you to give up on your dream, yet you hold onto this slight like it was a precious gem, all the while expecting your husband to forget that you broke your wedding vows within months or even weeks of saying your “I do’s”. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting; it means accepting that people make mistakes yet moving on, and allowing that person to remain in your life.

While I believe that your husband is being unduly harsh with you I think it is in response to your light-handedness of your past behavior. While you deserve a pat on the back for immediately telling your husband about this email – and please tell him that I said that – you should also be willing to give him the password to your business account, on the condition that he does not delete, respond, re-file, or otherwise molest any of your email. I will remind you both that this is a business account; I suggest that you both treat it with the accordant respect. I also suggest that you see a marital counselor to help each of you deal with this unresolved issue.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.