Is This Guy A Gold-Digger Or Is He Simply Enlightened?

Dear Tazi:

I am a doctor, completing my medical residency and looking forward to joining a practice in the near future. A few months ago I met a man at a party for a mutual friend. He seemed like a nice guy, so I gave him my email address when he asked for my phone number, explaining that I am often too busy to take a call but will answer an email during my down time. I also did this because I felt it would give me the chance to get to know him as a person, without all of the awkward early dating stuff. Plus, I don’t have a whole lot of time for dating, so this method allows me to keep him at a slight distance while developing a friendship first. After a few weeks of emailing I thought it would be nice to meet for coffee, and we started seeing each other. For me it was nothing serious, but I think he had other ideas.

“Ted” always kept obsessing over the fact that I am a doctor. He would make comments like, “If we got married, I would love to be a stay-at-home husband!” and then laugh, to lighten the mood. Another of his comments is, “a doctor’s schedule is pretty hectic, if you were to have children, would you want to hire a nanny or have your husband stay at home with them?” I have asked him point blank why he is asking me such personal questions to which I do not have an answer, but he claims that he is just trying to get to know me; that he believes in the importance of having a parent home with the children, and is curious to know how I feel. I responded that I felt his questions were out of line for such an early point in any relationship, and he let them drop.

It has been two months since Ted and I started dating, and he is hinting that he would like to move things along several steps to a much higher level. Whenever a commercial for a jewelry store comes on TV, he asks me what my favorite cut of diamond is “just in case” he needs to know. While out Christmas shopping, he asked me what I thought about the idea of getting engaged on Valentine’s Day; I responded that it would depend on the couple and how long they had been dating.

Tazi, I realize that as a doctor I stand to make a considerable amount of money over my lifetime employment, but right now I am still paying on my student loans. I feel like Ted is pushing for a commitment now so he can argue that he was not after me for my money when I am actually making some. Am I being paranoid? Or is it as Ted says; that he is just trying to get to know me and to see if our life plans are compatible?

Signed,

No Time For This

P.S. Ted is employed, but does not seem to like his middle-income job all that much. He complains about it all the time

Dear No Time For This:

What exactly is Ted’s “life plan”? Has he shared that information with you yet, or is he too busy asking you probing questions and complaining about how much he hates his job in between comments of how he would love to be a stay-at-home Dad to nail down an exacting answer for you?

I believe that your gut instinct about Ted is correct – that he is a gold-digger staking a claim in the hopes that his prospecting will pan out for him in the end. However, I could be wrong; he might just be the enlightened type. I suggest that you talk to the mutual friend who introduced you and seek answers about Ted – is he always so quick to rush into a relationship; has he ever spoke of his dream of being a stay-at-home Dad; is he steadily employed – and listen with a frank ear to the answers given.

Once you have an idea of what Ted is really like, make your decision to stay or go based upon how you feel. Do you feel like Ted wants to be a hands-on father and househusband, or that he sees you as a cash-cow towards a life of ease? Could you respect a man who worked as a househusband while his wife works as the breadwinner? Are you comfortable with the pace of the relationship that Ted is trying to set, and do you think he will slow things down if asked? Once you have the answers to these questions, you will have the answer to your question of whether or not to stay with him.

Snuggles,

Tazi

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