Dear Tazi:
I am recently divorced, and by recently I mean the ink is barely dry on the decree. Although the divorce court gave me a fair settlement, I still feel cheated because that is the only place I got treated fairly.
I left my wife of seven years because she had absolutely no interest in sex. I thought she might have been frigid, but when I encouraged her to go to a doctor she refused, telling me that I was the one with the problem; that she had no problem with the lack of sexual intimacy in our marriage.
When I finally left the marriage, nobody could believe I would leave as wonderful a woman as "Maria". Maria is a wonderful woman, Tazi. She is kind, compassionate, educated, hard-working, humorous, faithful, and a joy to spend time with outside the bedroom. Her lack of interest in sex is really what killed our marriage. I felt like I was living with a friend and not a wife. I was not about to reveal such personal details to our friends and community, so when people asked me what went wrong I simply replied that our lives had reached divergent paths and we were each going to go our own way. People figured that I was at fault for the divorce, but I kept my mouth shut and let them think what they wanted. I thought that this was what Marie deserved, but I have since changed my mind!
While visiting a bar last week, I overheard a man talking to his friend about the woman he had started seeing a few months before. I smiled when he said he was thinking of introducing her to his friends, remembering how it was like when I had first started dating Marie. The man went on to describe the pleasures of his relationship and even mentioned how the sex was "mind blowing". I continued to listen in because, at this point I was interested in learning what would be said next, when I discovered that the girlfriend in question was my ex-wife! At first I thought there was no way, but the details he shared with his friend about what she looked like, where she lived and - the coup de gras - her amazing chocolate chip cookies, I knew he could not be talking about anyone else.
I left the bar immediately and went back to my old home, where Marie is still living while we try to sell the house. When confronted, she made no secret that she had started seeing someone, had indeed baked cookies for him - and done a lot more than that in the bedroom! When I called her out for holding out on me, she responded that she had not been holding out on me; she simply had no desire for me.
After hearing this, I decided that the gloves were off and sent a mass email to all of my friends and family, telling them exactly why my marriage ended - that Marie was frigid and refused medical help and that I could take it no longer. The next day I was inundated with responses, via email, telephone, and even in person with people telling me how wrong I was to send such an email. My sister even called me a "classless toad" and told me that I could forget coming over for Christmas if I did not apologize to Marie for my behavior. My best friend told me his wife said to relay the same message if I asked about spending the holidays with them.
Tazi, I think I am the one who is owed an apology here! I am the one who stayed in a sexless marriage for seven years in an attempt to make it work, and now that it is over some other guy is getting what should have been mine! Where's the compassion for my side of the story? Why is everyone rallying around Marie?
Signed,
Not a Classless Toad
Dear Not a Classless Toad:
Maybe you are a classless toad, and maybe you are not; however, the behavior you have recently exhibited is that of a classless toad. You not only eavesdropped on a private conversation; you publicly denounced your ex-wife as "frigid" (which is a medical condition, and obviously one she does not suffer), both through your email and again in your letter to me. People often ask me why I use pseudonyms in my column; your letter is a perfect example of why!
I am sorry that your marriage ended so badly. Has it occurred to you that there might be a reason other than frigidity that your wife refused you in the bedroom? You describe her as "a wonderful woman" and "a joy to spend time with outside the bedroom". Did you treat her like a wonderful woman who was a joy to be around when you were outside of the bedroom? Or was the only time you took any notice of her after lights out? Did you ever help her out around the house, compliment a tasty meal, take her out for a night on the town, or simply tell her how much she meant to you? Or did you ignore her until bedtime and then expect her to be hot to trot for you?
You mention nothing of your own behavior in your letter, nothing of your own attempts to woo your wife, so I cannot be certain why she refused you so often. Only you can answer that question; all I can give you is food for thought. As for who owes who an apology, it is you who owe Marie one for publicly tearing her down. The time to talk about her sex life - or lack thereof - was while you were still married, not now that she is a free woman.
Perfunctory Snuggles (but only because it's Christmastime),
Tazi
Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.
I am recently divorced, and by recently I mean the ink is barely dry on the decree. Although the divorce court gave me a fair settlement, I still feel cheated because that is the only place I got treated fairly.
I left my wife of seven years because she had absolutely no interest in sex. I thought she might have been frigid, but when I encouraged her to go to a doctor she refused, telling me that I was the one with the problem; that she had no problem with the lack of sexual intimacy in our marriage.
When I finally left the marriage, nobody could believe I would leave as wonderful a woman as "Maria". Maria is a wonderful woman, Tazi. She is kind, compassionate, educated, hard-working, humorous, faithful, and a joy to spend time with outside the bedroom. Her lack of interest in sex is really what killed our marriage. I felt like I was living with a friend and not a wife. I was not about to reveal such personal details to our friends and community, so when people asked me what went wrong I simply replied that our lives had reached divergent paths and we were each going to go our own way. People figured that I was at fault for the divorce, but I kept my mouth shut and let them think what they wanted. I thought that this was what Marie deserved, but I have since changed my mind!
While visiting a bar last week, I overheard a man talking to his friend about the woman he had started seeing a few months before. I smiled when he said he was thinking of introducing her to his friends, remembering how it was like when I had first started dating Marie. The man went on to describe the pleasures of his relationship and even mentioned how the sex was "mind blowing". I continued to listen in because, at this point I was interested in learning what would be said next, when I discovered that the girlfriend in question was my ex-wife! At first I thought there was no way, but the details he shared with his friend about what she looked like, where she lived and - the coup de gras - her amazing chocolate chip cookies, I knew he could not be talking about anyone else.
I left the bar immediately and went back to my old home, where Marie is still living while we try to sell the house. When confronted, she made no secret that she had started seeing someone, had indeed baked cookies for him - and done a lot more than that in the bedroom! When I called her out for holding out on me, she responded that she had not been holding out on me; she simply had no desire for me.
After hearing this, I decided that the gloves were off and sent a mass email to all of my friends and family, telling them exactly why my marriage ended - that Marie was frigid and refused medical help and that I could take it no longer. The next day I was inundated with responses, via email, telephone, and even in person with people telling me how wrong I was to send such an email. My sister even called me a "classless toad" and told me that I could forget coming over for Christmas if I did not apologize to Marie for my behavior. My best friend told me his wife said to relay the same message if I asked about spending the holidays with them.
Tazi, I think I am the one who is owed an apology here! I am the one who stayed in a sexless marriage for seven years in an attempt to make it work, and now that it is over some other guy is getting what should have been mine! Where's the compassion for my side of the story? Why is everyone rallying around Marie?
Signed,
Not a Classless Toad
Dear Not a Classless Toad:
Maybe you are a classless toad, and maybe you are not; however, the behavior you have recently exhibited is that of a classless toad. You not only eavesdropped on a private conversation; you publicly denounced your ex-wife as "frigid" (which is a medical condition, and obviously one she does not suffer), both through your email and again in your letter to me. People often ask me why I use pseudonyms in my column; your letter is a perfect example of why!
I am sorry that your marriage ended so badly. Has it occurred to you that there might be a reason other than frigidity that your wife refused you in the bedroom? You describe her as "a wonderful woman" and "a joy to spend time with outside the bedroom". Did you treat her like a wonderful woman who was a joy to be around when you were outside of the bedroom? Or was the only time you took any notice of her after lights out? Did you ever help her out around the house, compliment a tasty meal, take her out for a night on the town, or simply tell her how much she meant to you? Or did you ignore her until bedtime and then expect her to be hot to trot for you?
You mention nothing of your own behavior in your letter, nothing of your own attempts to woo your wife, so I cannot be certain why she refused you so often. Only you can answer that question; all I can give you is food for thought. As for who owes who an apology, it is you who owe Marie one for publicly tearing her down. The time to talk about her sex life - or lack thereof - was while you were still married, not now that she is a free woman.
Perfunctory Snuggles (but only because it's Christmastime),
Tazi
Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.
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