Are Home Sales Parties Really "Parties"?

Dear Tazi:

My friend’s wife has a habit of inviting me to what she calls “girls’ night” parties, about once a month. I started going because I wanted to show support for her and their marriage (which is rocky) and to let her know that no matter how things end up I would like to maintain a friendship with both of them by currently maintaining friendship with them separately, as well as together.

The problem with “Paula’s” parties is that they are the kind where you feel pressured to buy something. What she calls a girls’ night is usually nothing more than a home sales party for products ranging from kitchen products to sexy lingerie. Once I am there, Paula will tell me that I don’t need to buy anything, she just wanted the opportunity to get all her friends together for some wine and conversation and the chance to try new things. These “new things” are usually something that she would like for herself and will get for free if enough people buy stuff from the person selling it.

I generally do not buy the things that Paula’s parties sell for the simple fact that I have no interest in the products. I always bring a small hostess gift with me when I go to Paula’s, and it is always something that I know she wants – from a bottle of her favorite liquor to a small piece of jewelry I know she would like.

At the last party Paula threw, I brought her a bottle of Patron tequila because it was supposed to be her birthday party (it ended up being a Mary Kay party; I don’t use that brand). When I did not buy anything, one of Paula’s oldest friends pulled me aside and threatened to “kick my [backside]” for not showing Paula more support. I stood my ground and told the woman that I would like to see her try, and then left the party early because I felt unwelcome.

I have not gone to any of Paula’s parties since, and she keeps asking me why I do not attend. She keeps telling me that I do not have to buy anything, just to come and have a good time. Should I tell her the truth as to why I am not going to her parties (because her friend threatened me and I am not comfortable being around the woman)? Or should I just tell her that I have other plans; invariably, her parties are on Saturday nights, so I could easily make other plans so as not to lie to her.

Signed,

Partied Out

Dear Partied Out:

Does Paula tell you in advance that her “girls’ night” parties are going to contain a sales pitch and what product it will be for, or is this something you discover when you arrive? If you know in advance what she is pushing, you could tell her that the product is not to your tastes and that one of her guests expressed severe upset over the fact that you don’t buy anything, feeling that you are not being supportive of your mutual friend. Let her know that if she is hosting a product party that interests you that you will be happy to attend. If Paula knows her friend as well as she should know a lifelong friend she will have no problem figuring out who said what to you and handling things from there.

If Paula like to surprise her guests by springing a sales pitch on them when they enter the door, you can and should be more frank with her, letting her know that you are uncomfortable sitting through a sales pitch for a product you have no intention of buying, and that at least one of her friends finds your behavior unacceptably rude. Again, there is no need to name names; that would get you nowhere, and besides the onus is on Paula to ensure her guests comfort. The issue at hand is her surprise sales pitches, not her friend’s threatening behavior.

I suggest that you tell Paula that you would love to spend time with her but that a home-sales party setting is not where you are most comfortable. Suggest an inexpensive restaurant that welcomes groups and see if the others in the group would be interested as well. The amount they spend of product that they probably do not need could go towards a girls’ night celebration that is enjoyable for all and full of pressure for none.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Pressure To Move In With New Boyfriend Raises Red Flags

Dear Tazi:

The lease on my economically-priced apartment is expiring this summer, and my boyfriend of six months has asked me to move into his much more expensive one. I have told him that I cannot afford to pay half the rent on his place, which would be $300 more than I am currently paying on my place! "Bradley" has told me that this will not be a problem, that I can continue to pay what I have been and he will pick up the rest of the rent. He says that he does not want finances to come between us.

Tazi, on the surface this sounds like a dream! However, I have only been dating Bradley for six months, and I am not sure that I am ready to move in with him. Plus, I am afraid that if things don't work out I will have to move, and I doubt I will be able to find a place as economical as my current place, especially one in as good an area. On the other hand, if I tell Bradley I would like to wait I will have to re-up my current lease for another year, at which point Bradley and I will have been together for two years. I am much more comfortable with this time-table, but Bradley is hurt that I don't want to move things to the next level with him. He has said that he loves me and wants to live with me; that "this is what grown-ups do".

I am only 21, and have been on my own for two years, so I like to think that I am plenty "grown up", but Bradley is several years older than me and I am afraid my hesitation at moving in with him has him thinking that maybe I am too young for him. My friends are all of mixed opinions on the subject; some say to go for it, others say to wait and if Bradley truly loves me he will be willing to wait, too. What's your take on the subject, Tazi?

Signed,
Movin' Out?

Dear Movin' Out?:

My take on the subject is that you should not move in with someone until you have been with them for at least one year. This allows you to experience the stress of the holidays together and the temptation to stray with a summer romance, and everything that comes in between all of that. I also believe that you should not move in with someone until you have the financial means to pay the entire rent, in case that is what you end up doing due to unforeseen circumstances, such as prolonged unemployment.

The fact that you have only been with Bradley for six months has me nixing the deal. The fact that he is pressuring you to move in with him rather than wait the additional year has sent up some red flags for me. Why is he in such a rush for you to move in? Can he not afford the rent on his own, and is willing to take less than half in order to gain any kind of subsidy at all? Is he the jealous and/or demanding type who is trying to monitor your every move? While it is possible that he is simply head over heels for you, you should explore all avenues before making this jump.

At 21 years of age, you are no longer a child but (hopefully) adulthood has not slammed you directly in the face just yet. I consider you a younger adult - legally responsible for your actions, but still having a lot to learn about the ups and downs of those responsibilities. Things like loans (student, car, and mortgage), saving for retirement, car repairs, rent increases, emergency expenses, unemployment, and other pressures that suck the fun out of being on your own will come with time; how you handle them will be a test as to how grown-up you actually are, and will actually help you grow up just a little bit more. Standing up to Bradley and not letting him pressure you into doing something you are not ready to do - and accepting the consequences of your decision - is one more example of the responsibilities of adulthood.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.