Tazi Recommends: The World of Poe

Dear Readers:

It has been a VERY exciting week here in Tazi-Land, which is why today's blog review will be a short but concise one. I am sorry to "phone it in" so to speak, but I am drained from the excitement, and a kitty cat needs his rest!

This blog, which was started seven months ago as a project for my Mommie's college writing class is poised to hit 10,000 page views, if it has not done so already by the time you are reading this. If this important milestone is not big enough news, I am also being followed on Twitter by the New York Post and the New York Post Editorial Pages (I love The Post, and I don't mean ironically; they have the best headlines!). Oh, and the movie The Raven, based upon the works of Edgar Allan Poe came out in theaters this weekend. What Black Cat does not love what Mr. Poe has done for our reputed nine lives? In honor of Mr. Poe, I am dedicating this week's blog review to

The World of Edgar Allan Poe
by Undine

What drew me to this blog was the review of The Raven (which is lambasted as a piece of garbage). What kept me there was the extreme knowledge the writer displays about the curiosity that is Mr. Poe. For those who are unfamiliar with the Master of Horror, The World of Poe's tagline says it all: The truth was stranger than his fiction.

Offering book reviews, YouTube videos of artistic interpretations of Poe's work, and - best of all, in my opinion - reliable information about the much storied (and oft incorrect) history of the legendary poet and storyteller. From a 50-minute clip of the haunting but unfinished Claude Debussy opera based upon "The Fall of the House of Usher", a reading of The Raven set to Celtic music, to the MGM produced An Evening With Edgar Allan Poe narrated the late, great Vincent Price there is something for every artistic taste at The World of Poe.

Filled with history and copies of original articles written about Edgar Allan Poe, The World of Poe offers more than artistic expression and makes for a rich source of period information on the man shrouded in mystery. I think I might skip The Raven movie (seriously, John Cusack as E.A. Poe? What were they thinking!) and stay in to further peruse The World of Poe. I believe you would do well to do the same.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. If you have never read the works of Edgar Allan Poe, you do not know what you are missing! Every horror movie villain from Friday the 13th's reincarnating Jason Voorhees to Jigsaw's complicated machinationsin Saw have been influenced by the works of Edgar Allan Poe.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Tazi Recommends: Nature Mom's Blog

Dear Readers:

Welcome to another edition of Tazi Recommends.. in honor of Earth Weekend, I am recommending that you recycle your Sunday paper into a cat toy. We felines love to shred stuff, so when we are done with it you can recycle it again by putting it in your garden as a mulch. Sigh...we cats do nothing but give, I'm telling you! Since you are probably expecting a blog review, I will give you one of those, too (feline generosity knows no bounds!). Again, in honor of Earth Weekend, I am recommending

Nature Mom's Blog
by Tiffany, a Nature Mom Since 2004

I am not a Mom, nor do I pretend to know how to Mom. In fact, small children unnerve me, with their tiny, paw-sized hands and their loud, cat-like wails; however, I am often asked for advice from Moms who are doing their best to raise their children; but sometimes need an outside, unbiased opinion. Because of this, I read a lot of parenting sites and pass along the advice I learn from experts in the field. It was while perusing these sites that I came across what People I Want To Punch In The Throat would call a "crunchy granola Moms" blog. What caught my attention was a line in the first paragraph, about a Mom-To-Be explaining how she bought all of her new baby's things second-hand - INCLUDING CLOTH DIAPERS! Speaking as one who likes my litter to be fresh, I cannot imagine buying second-hand cloth diapers. Yes, I know they are clean, but isn't that a little like wearing someone else's old underwear? As a devotee to the extremes some people will go to in an attempt to out-granola one another, I was hooked and decided to see what this site was all about.

It turns out the recycled underwear woman was just a guest writer (she has her own blog, where she writes about sustainable living), and that the rest of the blog is actually quite interesting in a "hey, I would actually do this" kind of way. I especially loved the blog on Top Ten Green Toys For Toddlers, which offers short reviews and purchase information (most of the stuff is reasonably priced) on high-quality, sustainable toys made from natural products - like wood. And water-based paints. And...yeah, that's about it. No plastics, chemicals, or undecipherable without a degree in Organic Chemistry dyes; and I have to say, this stuff looks fun! As a cat, I would spend hours playing with the "rolling sorter" toy that has different shaped blocks that fit inside of it. I can just see myself spending hours sticking my paws inside of this thing...Other cool toy recommendations include green versions of traditional children's toys, such as stacking toys, push toys, toy cars, and other gender-neutral play items.

Other blogs of note cover topics like "Creating A Real Foods Kitchen" (which is a kitchen devoid of processed foods and artificial ingredients). With suggestions on what equipment to buy (I did not even know there was a such thing as a home-use yogurt maker!) and how to make the transition from processed to whole (or "real") foods, it offers tid-bits that many of us might overlook, such as the importance of purchasing cast iron pans and griddles (which add iron to your diet) over non-stick ones (which add chemicals to your diet).

What I really like about this blog is that it offers a sense of category for each blog, through a tagging index, in the right-hand margin. Each blog is cross-referenced according to category, like Recipes (yes, with me it always comes back to food!), Health and Healing (where I found many natural cures for insomnia), how to host a Green Holiday (I like the idea of using beet juice to dye Easter eggs!) or Eco-Friendly Birthday Party ideas, and even random ideas on how to live or more sustainable life.

Although it is hard to believe that one person can incorporate all of the ideas presented in Nature Mom's Blog (especially since she is also home-schooling her children), pictures of Tiffany and her family are included on the site; many of them showing how they all participate in the über -green lifestyle that is being promoted. Nature Mom's Blog is what I like to call "green fantasy": something many will read and fantasize about doing, but will never actually put the effort into accomplishing. I suggest that, rather than go overboard, you make a conscious effort to incorporate one or two of the green ideas presented in Nature Mom's Blog into your life. A little effort by all of us can help make the world a more sustainable place, and our children all the healthier for it - especially if they are using BPA Free pacifiers, teething rings, and sippy cups.

Happy Earth Weekend to all! I'm off to celebrate by taking my nap in the garden.

Snuggles,
Tazi




Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

EXTRA EDITION: Remembering Columbine

Dear Readers:

It was thirteen years ago today that two ostracized teenagers took out their anger upon innocent classmates and teachers; killing twelve students, one teacher, and themselves by the time their violent assault was over. The reason for their mass carnage, it is believed, was because they were bullied.

Thirteen years later, the problem of bullying in schools has not dissipated; sadly, it has escalated to levels never imagined, fed by easy access to social media which has enabled those who bully to do so without having to actually face their victims.

Today I ask you to take a moment to pause and reflect on the problems of bullying in your community, and to ask yourself what you can do to help end the scourge that is destroying our youth - for when one person is bullied to the point of destruction, the one doing the bullying also loses a piece of their humanity. With bullying, there are no winners.

To follow is a list of the victims of the Columbine massacre, and a short biography of each (courtesy of About.com). May they never be forgotten:

Cassie Bernall
A 17-year old junior who had dabbled in witchcraft and drugs had turned her life around two years before she was killed. She became active in her church and was restructuring her life. (Unfortunately, the story that circulated about her martyrdom was not true.)

Steven Curnow
A 14-year old freshman, Steven loved aviation and dreamed of becoming a Navy pilot. He also loved to play soccer and to watch the Star Wars movies.

Corey DePooter
A 17-year old who loved the outdoors, Corey loved to fish, camp, golf, and inline skate.

Kelly Fleming
A quiet 16-year old who liked to spend time in the library writing short stories and poetry.

Matthew Kechter
A shy, sweet sophomore, Matthew was a football player and a straight-A student.

Daniel Mauser
A smart but shy 15-year old sophomore, Daniel had recently joined the debate team and the cross-country squad.

Daniel Rohrbough
A 15-year old freshman, Daniel loved to play hockey and Nintendo with his friends. Often, after school he helped his father in his electrical store.

William "Dave" Sanders
A long-time teacher at Columbine, Dave was the girls' basketball and softball coach and taught business and computer classes. He had two daughters and five grandchildren.

May they all rest in peace.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Brother-In-Law Is A Hard Pill To Swallow

Dear Tazi:

My brother-in-law is one of those people who thinks they know everything and has no qualms about expressing their opinion whenever they feel like it. There is no such thing as a private conversation when you are around "Bill" because he butts into every conversation he happens to overhear, and excuses his behavior by suggesting that those who want privacy discuss matters elsewhere. Tazi, I am not talking about coffee-shop conversations (although he buts in plenty there, too, and always with his uneducated opinions); I am talking about private conversations taking place away from others.

My wife "Ellie" - who is technically of no relation to Bill (Bill is my sister's husband) - was recently diagnosed with cancer. She is handling the diagnosis quite well, all things considered, and was discussing her prognosis (which is very good) with my mother after Easter dinner, while the two of them were in the kitchen doing the dishes. Bill happened to be passing by on his way to the bathroom when he overheard the conversation, and felt the need to share his "uneducated medical opinion"; which included telling my wife that chemotherapy is a waste of time, that it only makes you sicker, and is a scam doctors pull to keep you coming back for treatment. He then went into a long spiel about how a special diet high in antioxidants could cure her cancer "the natural way, the way God intended". Things went downhill from there, with Bill cornering Ellie for almost half an hour and not allowing her to get a word in, edgewise. My mother has always been on the meek side, so she had no idea how to tell Bill to stop. I had been outside with the children during this time, preparing for our annual egg hunt; otherwise, I would have come to my wife's side.

Ellie was very upset by Bill's verbal attack, but managed to pull herself together for the remainder of the day; I, on the other hand, was livid and would have told Bill off if it were not such a special day for my family. This is not the first time Bill has pulled such inappropriate behavior, but I would like it to be the last. I am considering writing a letter to Bill and my sister to let them know how angry I am over his treatment of my wife; but Ellie says to just let it go - that Bill is never going to change and to rock the boat would only damage family relations. I wish I could be so forgiving, Tazi, but someone has to stand up to Bill and I would like the satisfaction of being the one to put this guy in his place.

Ellie and I have agreed to abide by your opinion, Tazi. Do you think I should write that letter to Bill?

Signed,
Itchy Trigger Finger

Dear Itchy Trigger Finger:

Your brother-in-law sounds like a real jerk. The sad part is, he probably thinks he is a likable guy and is doing people a favor by sharing his opinions and "uneducated medical" advice with them. Because of this, any attempt to correct him will fail miserably and, as your wife said, damage family relations. I am going to suggest you write that letter to Bill anyway. Just don't send it.

When we take the time to vent our feelings in a letter, we also pour out the negative emotions that are pent up inside of us. Just the act of writing a letter to Bill, telling him off in ways you have so far only dreamed of, will lift the burden of anger that is weighing on you. I fully understand your desire to tell Bill where to go, and I believe this desire sprouts from the instinct you feel to protect your wife, especially now that she is ill. I suggest you indulge that desire by protecting her in ways that she actually needs protecting, like being there for her emotionally and allowing her to break down when she needs to let go; and making yourself available to her when she needs assistance around the house. The purpose of this is several-fold: not only will you be "protecting" your wife and fulfilling your role as a supportive spouse, but you will be quietly showing Bill (and others who may be watching) the correct way to be helpful when someone is going through illness.

In time, your wife will recover - in spite of Bill's dire (but uneducated) prognosis, and he will be the one with egg on his face, instead of in his Easter basket. As much as I feel for you and your wife, the person I feel for the most is your sister - after all, she is the one stuck living with Bill.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

EXTRA EDITION: In Honor Of The Greenland (NH) Police Officers

Dear Readers:

I found this graphic on Facebook this morning, and would ask you to copy and paste this graphic (it's virus free) and post to your Facebook page or Twitter account - either on your wall/timeline or as your profile picture in memory of the Greenland, NH police chief, who died in the line of duty this week, and to honor the four officers injured in the same raid.

So often, police officers get a bad-rap, so let us take a moment to remember those who gave all to help keep our communities safe.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Tazi Is Not Cyberstalking You (Or Kevin Bacon); Just Offers Relevant Advice

Dear Tazi:

Whenever you publish a letter about a person having personal problems with life, relationships, or just in general I feel like you are talking about me. I do not mean specific problems, like the woman who destroyed her mother-in-law's expensive sofa or the one who is considering dating a sex offender; but general letters about problems with life not working out on any level.

Do you go around reading random Facebook and Twitter feeds until you find someone with more issues than they can handle, so they use social media as an outlet for their stress, and then make up letters to print based upon their issues? Are you making fun of people like me? Or are your letters real, and just seem to relate to my life because other people have similar problems with life just plain [stinking]?

Signed,
Life [Stinks]

Dear Life [Stinks]:

I am sorry to hear that your life is so difficult that you cannot find lasting happiness in any area of it. Do you suffer from paranoia, in addition to depression? I just have to ask because the answer to your question is no, I do not go around randomly checking people's Facebook and Twitter accounts for issues to resolve in my column. Do you realize how much time that would entail? My nap schedule would be thrown into complete chaos!! Cats need at least 20 hours of sleep a day in order to function. Not to mention I would have no time to help my Mommie by jumping onto her lap when she is trying to work. Besides, I am too busy cyber stalking Kevin Bacon to fit anyone else into my schedule. (Mmmmmm......bacon!).

Furthermore, I am not making fun of anyone when I print their letters. If someone has the courage to write to me for advice, I am going to give them the best answer possible. As strange and/or entertaining as some letters may seem - like the man who claims he wears ladies silk panties because they cost less than men's silk boxers - they are all real. The only things I change are names that do not come with quotation marks around them. I also edit for content and length, as well as grammatical accuracy. I have readers from around the world, and accurate grammar allows for accurate translations.

My letters are chosen for print for a variety of reasons - some because they are amusing, like the one about the teacup dog in the baby stroller; some because they are from children, like the boy who wanted to know how to convince his Mom to get a puppy; some because they are follow-up letters, like the mother of the aforementioned boy whose husband brought home a puppy; some because they are just plain out there, like the letter about the wife with a Puss in Boots obsession or the nose-picking co-worker; and most because they are issues that people can relate to their own lives - as you have discovered.

I will take your questions as a compliment, since it means that the letters I choose to publish reach a wider audience than their writers!

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. I do not really stalk Mr. Kevin Bacon! (Mmmmm....bacon!).

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Guest Writer: A New Family For Foster Child; Some Advice For An Adoptive Mom

Dear Readers:

Yesterday, I received a wonderful letter in response from someone who had been hoping for a follow-up from the young boy in foster care who wrote to me last December. (Yesterday's letter was from the boy's overjoyed adoptive mother, whose adoption of the child is now official).

Today, I hand the reigns to "A Friend From the System" who shares her story, and some advice for the new mother. It is moments like this that make what I do so rewarding, and I thank all who make them happen!

--T.K.

Dear Jamal's Mom,

Congratulations to you, Jamal and the rest of your family. Thank you so much for giving Tazi, and me, an update; I was wondering how things went. I am very pleased to hear that my response to Jamal’s letter gave him the encouragement that he needed to speak to the judge and tell him what he truly wanted. I am sure that the judge listened to him intently. Now, it is time for me to add to Tazi’s advice to you as Jamal’s A-Mom.

The court system will (unless things have changed over the years) seal the adoption records and make it very hard for Jamal’s mother to come looking for him. As for telling Jamal what really happened to his B-Mom that is something only you can tell if Jamal is ready to hear. However, not knowing can have an effect on him. My B-Mom passed away when I was 6 years old. While I was in the foster home (no, I was not adopted by them, but by another family) I was always told that my B-Mother died in a car accident; I am sure Tazi’s mom remembers me talking about that. That was the story that was passed to my A-Mom as well. I, for years, remembered things a bit differently. I remembered trying to wake her up off the couch, and she would not wake up. That made me very curious as I grew up. My A-mother could not tell me anything differently, as that is what she was told too. So, I grew up believing that. As I got older, and became pregnant with my first child, I found I had a real need for medical information that I could not get. (THIS is what Jamal will truly need as he gets older.) I recommend that if you access to any of this, you save it for Jamal, it will be easier for him and his family (when he gets older) to fill out medical forms. Not knowing where I came from put me into a depression.

As I turned 18, I attempted to locate by B-father. I was unlucky for many years due to the fact that Rhode Island sealed my birth records and the state of Massachusetts altered my birth certificate [Ed. Note: The letter writer is from Southern New England]. For the last 12 years (I am now 42), I have been doing genealogy of my birth family, with the help of my A-mother, who does this professionally. Back when we first started the genealogical search, we contacted the state of Rhode Island for a copy of my B-Mom’s death certificate. As it turns out, I was correct and she did not die in a car accident, but rather a drug overdose. About 4 years ago, I found that my B-father died in 1992 in California, alone and in a nursing home.

I have also found a biological uncle through my search; we still talk to this day and have actually met. I found out that He had tried to come looking for me, but was not successful as the adoption had been sealed. I am telling you all of this, so that you can see how difficult it is to locate someone after an adoption. If Jamal so chooses, when he is old enough, there are registries he can sign up on, I know, I did when I was looking for my B-father. One of the many ones out there is http://registry.adoption.com/.

My B-Mom had a friend that adopted her granddaughter due to circumstances similar to Jamal’s. She was told that her B-Mom had died. As a teenager, her mother actually DID die, and her grandmother, now mother, told her this and she became very confused and unhappy. As you can see, it is important for Jamal to know “where he came from”, but you, as his mother, need to determine when it is best for him to hear the ugly details.

Sincerely,
A Friend From The System


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Foster Child Gets His "Forever Family" - An Ask Tazi Update

Dear Tazi:

Back in December, you printed a letter from a young boy named "Jamal" who was in foster care. He had asked you to publish his letter about wanting his foster family to be his forever family, so he could show the family court judge how much it meant to him to be adopted by the family he already saw as his own. Tazi, I am Jamal's Mom - I am so happy to be able to write those words because, you see, I am not his birth mother; I am his adoptive mother. The judge blessed us with the okay to legally adopt Jamal back in January, and the adoption has just finalized! Jamal is ours forever now; and we are his forever family. My husband, children, and I are overwhelmed with joy, as is Jamal. Even our puppy Max seems to understand what wonderful news this is.

Tazi, I want to thank you - and the friend from the system - for the support you gave Jamal when he was obviously stressed about facing the judge. Seeing his letter in print meant the world to my son (I love being able to call him that!) and the follow-up letter of support gave him the courage he needed to go before the judge and pour out his heart.

The one thing marring our joy is the fact that Jamal's mother contested the adoption - from prison, where she is serving a decades-long sentence for drug possession and armed robbery, presumably to support her addiction. Jamal does not know that his birth mother is in prison, or that she contested the adoption; all he knows is that his birth mother stopped visiting him one day. She is well into her 40's (she had Jamal a bit later in life) and has a lengthy criminal record, is HIV/AIDS positive (from using intravenous drugs), and Jamal barely remembers her. At one point, she had petitioned for jailhouse visitations, but the judge refused her request as he felt it would not be in Jamal's best interests.

I am uncertain if I should explain to Jamal and my other children now, or when he/they are a bit older, the reason his birth mother stopped coming around. I am afraid whatever I decide that it will hurt Jamal, which is the last thing I want to do to any of my children. All Jamal knows is that his birth mother loves him very much, but that she had to go away on a very long trip. Jamal adores you, and I read your column to him whenever the subject is age-appropriate. Do you know of any way to appropriately address the subject of his birth-mother? What if she gets out of prison and comes looking for him?

Signed,
Jamal's Mom

Dear Jamal's Mom:

I remember Jamal's letter vividly, and am thrilled beyond measure that his wish to become a part of your family "FOREVER" has come true! I know that my readers will be equally delighted, especially "Friend From the System". I will be certain that everyone hears the wonderful news as soon as possible by immediately printing your letter!

As for your quandary regarding Jamal's birth-mother...I think it is terribly sad that she could not put the welfare of her son above her own desire to hold onto him. From what you write, it is obvious that she cannot give him any kind of life; and it is obvious that the judge felt so, too. You say that she is "well into her 40's" and serving a "decades-long [prison] sentence" for some less than savory acts. This leads me to believe that she will not be released until Jamal is a grown man. For these reasons and more, I believe that an edited version of the full story would be the appropriate thing to tell Jamal.

At 8-years-old, Jamal is old enough to understand the concept of jail and prison; as well as the types of behavior that can put a person there. If you have not already done so, I suggest that you and your husband sit down with Jamal and explain to him that his birth-mother cares very much for him, but is unable to take care of him the way he needs and deserves. Explain to him that his birth-mother did some naughty things, and a judge sent her to a place that will help her to try and put her life together, while teaching her that what she did was very, very wrong. If Jamal asks if his birth-mother is in prison, be honest; if he does not ask, do not volunteer this information. As Jamal gets older, he may ask this question. I suggest that you always be honest with him. If he would like to share this information with his siblings, let that be his choice. If he prefers to keep it to himself, please respect his privacy.

Due to Jamal's birth-mother's special health conditions, it is a very real possibility that she may not live out her prison sentence, so your fear that she may seek him out upon release may never come to pass; however, the possibility - however slight - that it could occur is just one more reason to always be open and honest with your son. From the tone of his letter to me, I don't think you have any reason to worry that he will want to return to his birth-mother. Jamal sees YOU as his mother, so feel free to wholeheartedly embrace him as your son - because he is! Congratulations to all!

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Happy Easter From Tazi And Family

Dear Readers:

Today is Easter Sunday among Roman Catholics, Protestants, Unitarians, and others! Rather than do a blog review, I have decided to honor the day by sharing an episode of my Mommie's favorite Sunday morning show from her childhood, Davey and Goliath. This episode was always special to her because it featured Davey's Grandma, who reminded her so much of her own Grandma.

Enjoy the episode, and your day! Wishing all who celebrate a happy and holy Easter!

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. from my Mommie to her family: Wesołego Alleluja!


copyright E.L.C.A./All Rights Reserved


copyright E.L.C.A./All Rights Reserved


copyright E.L.C.A./All Rights Reserved


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

EXTRA EDITION: A Very Sacred and Joyous Passover To My Jewish Readers!

Dear Readers:

Passover began tonight at sundown. I would like to offer my Observant readers my wishes for a sacred, blessed, and joyous occasion during this solemn feast.

Shalom,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Wife Wants A New Car Payment; Husband Wants To Live Debt-Free

Dear Tazi:

I would like to buy a new car, but my husband feels that we cannot afford it at this time. He would like to use the money that would go to a monthly car payment to pay extra on our student loans each month and pay them off early so we can live debt-free. I argue that the money we spend on repairs for my current car is adding up, and the next major repair could end up costing more than the car is even worth.

In the last six months, I have had to replace the water pump, timing belts, all four tires, rear brakes, and several minor repairs. All told, I have put about $2,000 worth of repairs into it without even touching the engine or the transmission. My husband argues that the brand of car I drive has a reputation for lasting forever, and that the $2,000 I have put into my car probably represents all the repairs that I will have to make for the next three to four years, thus making the argument for keeping the car a more economical decision. Tazi, in three to four years my car will be over ten years old with a trade-in value of almost nothing. I would rather sell my current car while I can still get a solid down-payment on a new car for it, but my husband is adamant in his decision and since he controls our finances, I feel like I am stuck. Do you have any ideas on how to work my way out of this situation? To help me convince my husband that my argument is just as valid as his?

Signed,
Scrooge McDuck's Wife

Dear Scrooge McDuck's Wife:

Are you calling your husband a Scrooge because you feel he is cheap; or because you feel he is stingy towards the needs of others? The first is a case that can be reasoned; the second is a case for a marital counselor. Once you have figured out the reasoning behind your hard feelings you will be better able to tackle your problem head-on.

You say that your husband "controls the finances". Just how much control does he have over the money you earn? Do you hand over your entire paycheck to him, or do you keep a separate account for your own spending money? What are your personal financial habits? Can you be trusted to properly balance a checking account, without incurring large overdraft fees?

Assuming that you are a responsible adult who can manage her own finances, I believe that you should have a say in the matter of your vehicle. Although your husband makes an excellent point about paying down your student loans, you also make a good point about the money you have invested in repair work to your vehicle. $2,000 is worth several months of car payments on a new vehicle (assuming you keep your payment around $300/month), so the ideal time to have purchased a new vehicle was before you put so much money into it. You do not say what brand of car you drive, but you imply that it is six or seven years old already. If you were to buy a new car from a franchise dealer (Chrysler, Hyundai, Toyota, etc.) they would be required to sell your vehicle at auction, and might not be willing to give you a very good deal on the trade-in value.

Your best bet would be to try and sell your vehicle in a private party sale, which could net a few thousand dollars, putting you even with your recent repair bills. This strategy may work well with your husband, who appears concerned about losing money on the recent repair investment made in your vehicle. You can search the Kelly Blue Book value of your car to see what a fair price for a private-party sale. Armed with this information, you can make a well-researched argument for the purchase of a new vehicle. So long as the car you choose is moderately priced ($25K or less) and your husband is a reasonable man, he should at least be willing to listen to what you have to say.

If your husband's ears are deaf to your pleas, I have to wonder if there is more to the story than you are telling me - like the size of your student loan debt; your ability to manage money; or the price-tag of the car you desire. Be honest with yourself, and some of your confusion may lift.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

"Gift Piggy" Needs To Go On A Diet

Dear Tazi:

I discovered your column a few months ago and have been enjoying the letters people send to you - past and current - never thinking I would ever feel the need to write to you, until I saw your response regarding giving the gift of jewelry to a woman. I saw my own problem reflected in that letter, but with an added twist.

I met "Victoria" on Christmas Eve, at a party at a friend's house. She was actually a friend of a friend of the host, joking that she was "crashing the party" because she didn't want to sit home alone on Christmas Eve. At first, I was charmed by her adventurous spirit; going out to a party on Christmas Eve where she knew virtually no one. We spent the evening talking, and before I left we exchanged phone numbers. I was pleasantly surprised when Victoria called me the next day to wish me a Merry Christmas, and to ask if it was too late to ask me out for New Year's Eve. Never having had a woman initiate a date before, I was flattered and accepted her offer.

When we got together for New Year's Eve, Victoria told me that she was disappointed that I did not bring her a "belated Christmas gift". I thought she was joking, and laughed it off when she told me I could make it up to her for Valentine's Day. We had a great night out, and started seeing each other on the weekends and occasionally during the week. For Valentine's Day, I brought Victoria flowers, a box of Godiva chocolates, and took her to a local jazz club for a light dinner and dancing. I thought we had a great night, but Victoria was playfully pouty because I didn't buy her jewelry. Like you, I feel that six weeks is far too soon to be buying a woman such an intimate gift. Victoria then joked (or so I thought) that I could make it up to her for St. Patrick's Day, since her birthstone is the emerald.

St. Patrick's Day just passed, and Victoria and I went out for a night on the town. I took her to an upscale Irish pub where we had dinner and several pints of Guinness and what I thought was a great time. The next day, though, Victoria emailed me to say she was disappointed that I had not taken the hint that she wanted an emerald! Attached to the email was a picture of a very expensive emerald ring, linking to the website where it could be purchased with the comment that it was "on clearance" and would not last long [Ed. Note: The letter writer enclosed the link. You can view the ring by clicking here].

Tazi, I was positively floored by Victoria's request, and had no idea how to respond so I told her I would have to think about it, just to buy myself some time. On the one hand, I have never met anyone like Victoria - she is a fun, free-spirited woman who makes me want to grab opportunity and squeeze every last drop out of it. On the other hand, she seems to have an absolute obsession with receiving (but not giving) gifts. When I mentioned to her that I have yet to receive any sort of gift from her, Victoria responded that the gift of her time and the wonderful mood she puts me in is what she has offered me; and she honestly seemed offended that I did not consider these "gifts" to be of equal value to the emerald ring she wants me to buy her. Is her reasoning logical? Because at times I feel a little guilty for not purchasing her the one thing she desires; but on the other hand, when I start to feel this way, I want to slap some sense into myself. Thoughts?

Signed,
Empty Hands

Dear Empty Hands:

Let me guess: Victoria suggested that you put the ring in the Easter basket full of goodies that you also were not planning on buying her, right? I have a name for people like Victoria, one I heard on that old TV show Just Shoot Me, and that name is a gift piggy! I realize from what you have written that you are quite taken with Victoria, but please remember that this woman started asking you for presents on your very first date! She then spent the first two months of your relationship trying to guilt you into buying her expensive jewelry, and it sounds like the guilt trip you are on has reached its final destination.

If I were you, I would sit down with Victoria, and explain to her that a gift of jewelry - especially an expensive ring - is a public sign of a deep, serious, and powerful commitment. At least, that is what the Josten's salespeople said when they were attempting to sell my Mommie a college ring. I would like to think that the same reasoning applies when a person is considering buying an expensive ring for another - that is it an outward symbol of the committed, loving relationship that binds the two of them. If Victoria cares for you more than she cares for expensive jewelry, she will understand this and accept that you are not ready to purchase her the bauble she wants and will hopefully stop "joking" about her disappointment. If she cares more for jewelry than she does for you, I am afraid this conversation will spell the end of your relationship. If that is not something you can accept, then buy Victoria the emerald ring; knowing that she is with you not for your love, but for your willingness to buy her presents in return for her presence.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. My Mommie's birthstone is also the emerald! She is currently staring at the picture of the ring and saying "My preciousssssss" in a decidedly Gollum-like voice! --T.K.




Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

EXTRA EDITION: Happy Smack A [French Word For Shower] Day!

Dear Readers:

Today is World Smack A [French Word For Shower] Day. Please celebrate accordingly, but safely. One never knows how a [French word for shower] will react at discovering the news that they are in fact a [French word for shower]. Now please excuse me, it's time for me to get my Tazi paw-slap on!



Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.