"Ex-Boyfriend" Needs "Closure" To Let Go; May Suffer From Erotomania

Dear Tazi:

My ex-boyfriend (and I hesitate to elevate him to that status) "Spencer" - who I only dated for a few months - has enough issues to fill a month's worth of your columns; thus the reason he is an EX-boyfriend/guy I briefly dated. As I mentioned, we only dated for a few months (not quite two); but he refuses to leave me alone. He keeps asking if we can "try again". He suggests that we get together for coffee to discuss "what issues each of us needs to address and focus on changing" in order for the relationship to work.

First off, I do not believe we were together long enough to define what Spencer and I had as a "relationship"; and second, I do not want to get back together with him, so why should I focus on changing who I am to suit him? When I pointed these facts out to him (much more tactfully than I do here) Spencer went off into a tirade about how I am refusing to accept my "share of the responsibility for the failure of our relationship" and that this issue is adding to his already heavy stress load. Tazi, our relationship failed because he is a self-centered dreamer who is all talk and no action. With his charming personality he can win people over until they discover the truth about him: that every word out of his mouth is a lie; that he suffers from a ridiculously inflated sense of self-worth; and that his charm is all that he has going for him. When I explained this to Spencer - in those exact words - he told me that I should get counseling, since I am obviously "deflecting" my own issues of low self-esteem onto him, and that he would be willing to accommodate me by attending couples' counseling with me. I do not suffer from low self-esteem, do not need counseling, and certainly do not want to attend couples' counseling with him because we are not - and never were - a couple! The relationship was never said to be exclusive, nor do I believe my actions led him to believe it was!

Tazi, I admit that I broke things off with him rather suddenly; telling him over the phone one night that I did not see a future between us and that I think we should make a clean break of things, but at least I told him voice to voice and not via text message. Spencer keeps telling me that I have "denied" him the "closure" he needs to move on with his life, and that I am not being fair to him by changing my phone number (which did not work; he managed to get the new one from a mutual acquaintance unfamiliar with the situation), ignoring his calls, and refusing delivery of the flowers he tries to send me. Short of taking out a restraining order against the guy, what can I do to get him to leave me alone? Should I meet him for coffee just this once to prove to him that there is nothing there?

Signed,
Moved On

Dear Moved On:

Obviously, whatever occurred between you and Spencer meant a lot more to him than it did to you. What the dynamic was between the two of you is something you do not mention - did you see each other every day? Once or twice a week? A few dates? Hot and heavy? You mention that exclusivity was never discussed; but it appears that Spencer assumed it. For this one reason, it would have been more appropriate to break up with him in person, not over the phone. Should Spencer call you again, I think a quasi-apology (from you) expressing this fact would be appropriate. You do not have to get all remorseful; just a simple, "Spencer, obviously our friendship meant more to you than I realized, and I should have respected your feelings enough to break up with you in person. However, what's done is done. I have moved forward with my life, and it would be best if you did the same". Notice that the words "I'm sorry" do not appear anywhere in the above statement.

If Spencer continues to suggest that you get together to discuss where things went wrong, answer the phone ONE TIME, to simply repeat that you have moved forward with your life and think it would be best if he moved on, as well. If he continues to demand "closure" tell him that this is the best that he is going to get from you. Ignore any further phone calls from him, as well as any other form of attempted contact - by giving him your attention you are giving him what exactly what he wants. It does not matter that you are thinking horrible thoughts about him; the point is, you are thinking of him.

If Spencer decides to bring things to the next level by following you around in person or showing up at places you frequent at times he knows you will be there, do your best to ignore him. If he approaches you, report him to the management; they will most likely ask him to leave the building. If he starts creeping on you via social media, block him and/or turn your page private for a few weeks - eventually, he will give up on you.

If none of these tactics work - or especially if they make the situation worse - Spencer may suffer from a rare (but very real) mental illness called "erotomania", a very serious disorder in which the stalker believes their victim(s) are truly in love with them but are just playing hard to get; and the more you push them away, the deeper they believe that you really and truly love them. In a case such as this - and you will know it if it is such a case - legal intervention will be necessary to secure your personal safety and mental well-being. An excellent book on this topic is I Know You Really Love Me: A Psychiatrist's Account of Stalking and Obsessive Love, a first-person account by Dr. Doreen Orion. Included in the book is a chapter on resources for the victims of erotomaniacs. I wish you all the best. Please write back to me to let me (and my readers) know how things turn out for you.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Attractive Daughter Receiving More Attention Than Dad Would Like

Dear Tazi:

I am the father of a very attractive, very well-developed 16-year-old girl. As if my daughter's stunning good looks were not enough to worry me, she is also very popular due to her sweet personality and the many extra-curricular activities in which she participates in and out of school.

Her mother and I have worked to raise her right, and keep her on a moral path; and thus far, I'd like to think we have done a good job. My concern is her social networking habits. "Staci" has a habit of Facebook friending everyone she has ever met, and encourages people to "follow" her on Twitter. Even though she does not post too much personal information to these sites, she is fond of posting pictures of the many events she attends - school dances, football games, work sites for Habitat for Humanity (she volunteers with them one weekend a month). These pictures - aside from providing a permanent online record - give people details as to her whereabouts, making it easy for her to be found when she is offline.

As far as I am concerned, inviting someone to "follow" you is an open invitation to stalk you, and I am concerned that some of the boys she has "friended" are starting to do just that. In particular, one young man that she met at the beach this summer has shown up at every one of her school's events, and is now volunteering for Habitat. Although I admire his school spirit and commitment to helping those in need, I cannot help but think his motives have more to do with dating my daughter than with improving his chances of getting into a good college.

Staci's Mom thinks I am over-reacting, and has pointed out that our daughter is a very responsible young woman with admirable Internet habits. She has never given us an ounce of trouble; but it is not my daughter's behavior that concerns me - it is that of those who follow her, online and in person. Staci has a close (male) friend who she has known since babyhood and that I trust implicitly. She is like a little sister to him, and I would like to ask him to keep an eye on my daughter, and on those who are keeping their eyes on her. Would this request be unreasonable?

Signed,
Overprotective Dad?

Dear Overprotective Dad?:

First let me say that your daughter is a lucky young woman to have two such caring parents that balance each other so well. Keep up the good work!

I also have to say that your comment that inviting people to follow you on Twitter is an open invitation to stalk you is a bit extreme, especially since your daughter's postings seem pretty innocuous. [Ed. Note: The writer included a link to his daughter's social networking pages]. She is not updating her status every time she leaves a room, so it would be pretty difficult for someone to stalk her, considering she only updates her status twice a day (on average). Someone who is merely smitten with your daughter would probably be content to sigh over such postings; but a stalker would definitely seek more, and such behavior would be quite noticeable.

With regard to the boy who has suddenly developed a social conscience and a sense of school spirit, so long as his behavior does not escalate - and he is actively participating in the events and projects for which he has signed up - I see no problem with his intentions. Many men have gone to extremes in their attempts to court a lady; so be glad that this young man's attempts are resulting in a greater good.

As for asking your daughter's platonic male friend act as her bodyguard, this may not be necessary. If he looks upon your daughter like he would a "little sister" you can be certain that he is already keeping an eye on Staci, and on those who are keeping eyes on her. There is no need to formally request such protection.

What To Do About An "Ex" That Won't Let Go?

Dear Tazi:

My husband “Roger” and I have been happily married for two wonderful years. We met when I answered his online personal ad. Although I was not the only woman he had given his email address and phone number to, I was the only woman he chose to meet in real life. At the time, I was one of several women with whom he was conversing, but once we met he let them all know he had met a woman with who he wanted to pursue a relationship (me).

Every now and then, Roger will get a phone call, text, or email from one of the women who had answered his long ago personal ad, asking how he is doing and if he would like to get together for a drink. To his credit Roger politely informs these women that he is happily married and, having no past relationship with them, asks to be removed from their “little black book”. Most women congratulate him on our marriage, laugh at his suggestion that they have an entire book of potential dates, and never contact him again. The one exception to this is “Mary”.

Mary first contacted Roger a little over a year ago, leaving a message on our answering machine and suggesting that they meet for coffee and to “catch up” on each other’s lives. Roger sent her a short email to let her know he was married to me and that his marital status was the only update that was needed. Mary took this email as an invitation to start a conversation with Roger, asking all sorts of personal questions and asking what it was about me that he found more attractive. Tazi, Roger had never even met her, nor did he have any interest in meeting her after talking to her on the phone. He remembered her as being “pushy” and “demanding” in her search for a man. Roger was too kind to tell her this, and simply ended the conversation by telling her that I was his soul-mate; that when he met me, he just “knew”.

Since that email, Mary has taken to sending him forward after forward; emails like “Sending a prayer your way!” or “Sending this to a friend I am thinking of today…” Each of these emails is innocuous in their own right, but when combined paint a picture of someone who refuses to let go of a past that never was. Roger has deleted each one of them without responding, after opening them to make sure that they did not contain anything threatening or stalker-ish. It had reached the point where Roger was receiving ten or more of these forwards a day, so he added Mary’s address to his SPAM block. Her emails now go directly into the trash. You would think this would take care of the problem, but it has not. Apparently, Mary is able to check if the emails she sends have been opened/read. Now that her emails are not being opened, she has taken to contacting my husband via other methods.

Roger has received multiple Facebook friend requests from Mary, and has finally blocked her from contacting him. She repeatedly texts him, asking why they can’t rekindle the friendship they once had. Tazi, there is no “friendship” to rekindle! Unfortunately, Roger’s mobile phone service does not allow him to block numbers, so the best he can do is ignore her – which obviously does not work. Mary’s texts are sent at the most inopportune times – the middle of the night, while we are sleeping; early morning, when we are getting ready for work; or on weekends, when Roger and I are spending time together or socializing with people who actually are friends.

We have looked into getting a restraining order against Mary, but because Roger was never romantically involved with her and she has never threatened violence against either of us we would have to pay for the legal filing (which is not cheap) and there is no guarantee we would be granted an order of restraint, since Mary is only being a nuisance from a distance. I would like to contact Mary myself and ask why she feels the need to disrespect my position as Roger’s wife, but I don’t want to come off as a jealous shrew. I do not feel the slightest bit insecure in my marriage, and am friends with a few of Roger’s actual past girlfriends, but I am getting rather annoyed at the lengths this woman is going to get my husband’s attention. Roger has suggested that we just ignore her and hopefully she will go away on her own. What do you advise, Tazi?

Signed,
Fed Up

Dear Fed Up:

I receive many letters about exes that can’t let go, but your situation is unusual, considering that your husband has never even met or dated the woman who will not let go. I realize it would be a personal inconvenience to have to change your phone number, so I will not suggest that, but I will suggest that your husband turn off his mobile phone when he does not wish to be bothered by it. Since Mary only seems to text at times when the two of you are (assumed to be) together, anyone who needs to contact Roger would be able to reach him by calling your mobile phone. You could even add this suggestion to Roger’s voicemail, telling the caller to “call my wife if you need to reach me”. There is no need to leave your phone number; just be certain that people Roger wants to hear from have your phone number. Should Mary resort to calling your husband’s mobile phone (as opposed to just texting it) she will get the literal message that Roger is unavailable.

As tempting as it may be to contact Mary yourself and tell her off, this would only put you in a bad light and add fuel to Mary’s fire. By acting like a jealous shrew you will be giving Mary the impression that you are one, as well as reason to think that your marriage is unstable. As difficult as it might be, I suggest that you follow through with Roger’s suggestion: ignore Mary, and hopefully she will move on to a more receptive target. Unless Mary suffers from erotomania, she will eventually get tired of being ignored and move on to someone who will be receptive to her overtures.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Social Media A Double-Edged Sword

Dear Tazi:

My ex-boyfriend is pure evil. I don't know what I ever saw in the guy - maybe his initial charm? Obviously, our break-up was not a pleasant one; nor was it mutual.

"Wesley" is the type of guy who expects the world to turn at his command. If there is something he needs that he cannot provide for himself, he expects others to provide it because he believes that is what makes someone a good friend. When I had a job opportunity that required a transfer to a different part of the country, I told Wesley I would appreciate his support in my plan to relocate, because I thought our relationship stood a good chance of developing into something more serious. Because Wesley liked the area (it is a metropolitan area in a warm climate), he encouraged me to take it and told me we could "do the long-distance thing" and he would follow in a few months. What I did not realize was that Wesley's plan to follow me did not include looking for work before his arrival. Rather, he planned on living with me until he could "land on his feet". I was not entirely happy with this plan, but I went along with it because I had no choice - he showed up unannounced.

After three months living with me rent free, Wesley still had not found a job; nor had he made a serious effort to find something - anything - that would pay some kind of wage. I realize that a McJob is not a career, but at least it pays the bills; Wesley, however, felt this type of work was beneath him and refused to even apply for entry-level work in or out of his career field. For this and other reasons, I told Wesley it would be best if we went our separate ways, and offered to pay for his plane ticket back home. This was not a request, but a break-up, and I made that clear to Wesley.

Once he returned to our home state, Wesley started asking for a second chance at "the long distance thing" since it was obvious that he was not ready to move. I refused, because in the three months that he was here I saw a side of Wesley that I did not like and, quite frankly, it killed my feelings for him. Wesley refused to take no for an answer and kept demanding an explanation until I finally told him my feelings for him had died. I thought this would be the end of things, but it has not.

Wesley has taken to complaining about me on his Facebook and Twitter pages, saying I have done him wrong and how unfair I am being to not give him a second chance. When he refused to stop, I blocked him so he would be unable to tag me in his posts; but my friends tell me that this just led to him using my name without a tag, and made his rants against me even worse. Wesley is the type of guy who cannot go to the bathroom without tweeting about it, so this should give you an idea of the amount of posting he is doing about me, our breakup, and the insulting things he is saying about me. I keep all of my social media pages private, so it does not appear in an Internet search, but Wesley keeps his public; so I am afraid of what is appearing.

I would like to know, is what Wesley is doing even legal? Do I have any recourse to force him to stop? I am afraid that the stuff he is posting is going to hurt my career.

Signed,
Not "The Whore Of Babylon"

Dear Not "The Whore of Babylon":

You offer quite a history for such a quick question, and paint an unflattering picture of Wesley;,which leads me to believe the things Wesley is saying about you are not all that flattering, either. The question is, are they true? If the things Wesley are writing about you are in fact true, I am afraid you will simply have to grin and bear it, and accept the fact that he is being very immature. Let this be a lesson to you to:

1) Clean up your act, and behave in a way that does not provide fodder for malicious gossip

2) Stand up for yourself.

As uncomfortable as it would have been to turn Wesley away when he showed up on your doorstep, his behavior was disrespectful to you, and should have been a warning sign of what was to come. I suggest that, in the future, you make your lines more clearly drawn and refuse to allow them to be crossed.

If the things Wesley is writing about you are untrue you can report the items directly to the Customer Service Department of the social media site and they will see that the offending items are removed. If the things Wesley is writing about you are untrue and damaging your reputation in such a way as to cause damage to your standing at work or in your community, he has committed libel against you, a charge that can be addressed in civil court, but I must warn you; libel can be very, very difficult to prove. You may just want to let this one go and free yourself from Wesley's attentions all the sooner.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Melodramatic Ex Reveals More About Himself With Every Lie Told

Dear Tazi:

My ex-boyfriend “Lucas” is several letters to you in one. We dated briefly before I decided that his life was far too full of drama for me top handle and I broke up with him. Lucas then accused me of creating more drama in his life by leaving him and refusing to give him the second chance he “so dearly sought”. I refused to be manipulated and stopped taking his phone calls or answering his emails.

After I cut off personal contact with Lucas he started leaving paragraph long status updates on Facebook and Twitter (he would write 140 characters, tweet, and start a new tweet where he left off). All of these status updates would tag me as somehow being involved with his update – usually as the reason for his “deepening depression” (which only affects his ability to work, not to go out drinking with his friends) or for his “emotional stress”. I have simply blocked him so he can no longer tag me, although I am sure he is still mentioning my name.

Since he has not been getting the reaction he wants, Lucas has taken to calling my cell phone – over and over until I pick up, which I refuse to do; instead, I turned the phone off only to discover Lucas would leave me so many voicemails that it would fill my mailbox. Since I cannot block his number, I filed a formal complaint against him with my local Sheriff’s office, only to discover that Lucas has behaved like this with other women before. The good news is that the Sheriff told me that his behavior will end in time, probably when he finds a new woman to obsess over, but in the meantime there is nothing I can do unless I would like to press charges of harassment against him.

I do not have the time, energy, or desire to prolong the issue by taking Lucas to court and I trust the Sheriff to see that Lucas is warned that his behavior will get him into legal trouble. What scares me is that Lucas can basically say whatever he wants about me on the Internet and, unless I rebut his comments, there is nothing to show that they are nothing but lies. It is said that once something is on the Internet it is there forever, so you can see my fear that these character assassinations may come back to haunt me. On the other hand, if I step in to tell my side of things I am afraid I will be falling right into Lucas’ hands by giving him the attention he is seeking.

Signed,

Slandered

Dear Slandered:

I can understand your fears that the lies printed about you will be on the Internet forever, but so long as you have blocked Lucas from tagging you, there is no direct link between you and these lies. Unless you have a rather unique name, there are probably other people with the same name as you (first and last) that will come up when an Internet search is done for your name. I just did a Google search for “Tazi” and discovered that a “Tazi” is a type of greyhound – a dog! What could be more slanderous than that, if in fact people were silly enough to confuse me with a racing dog! So you see, your fears are probably a bit overblown.

Thus far, you have handled the situation in a very mature and upright manner; please do not sink to Lucas’ level by responding to his Facebook and Twitter posts. The fact that the local Sheriff’s office is familiar with his behavior speaks volumes of Lucas’ reputation – and his credibility. I know it is difficult, but try to remember this the next time word reaches your ears that Lucas is blaming the weight of his troubles on you. Do not go looking for these posts by viewing his status feeds; do not let him rent space in your head. Regardless of what you think of Lucas, you are thinking of him, which is exactly what he wants. You were right to get legal documentation of his harassment; now let the authorities take things from here until Lucas is nothing more than a bad memory.

Snuggles,

Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Tazi Is Not Cyberstalking You (Or Kevin Bacon); Just Offers Relevant Advice

Dear Tazi:

Whenever you publish a letter about a person having personal problems with life, relationships, or just in general I feel like you are talking about me. I do not mean specific problems, like the woman who destroyed her mother-in-law's expensive sofa or the one who is considering dating a sex offender; but general letters about problems with life not working out on any level.

Do you go around reading random Facebook and Twitter feeds until you find someone with more issues than they can handle, so they use social media as an outlet for their stress, and then make up letters to print based upon their issues? Are you making fun of people like me? Or are your letters real, and just seem to relate to my life because other people have similar problems with life just plain [stinking]?

Signed,
Life [Stinks]

Dear Life [Stinks]:

I am sorry to hear that your life is so difficult that you cannot find lasting happiness in any area of it. Do you suffer from paranoia, in addition to depression? I just have to ask because the answer to your question is no, I do not go around randomly checking people's Facebook and Twitter accounts for issues to resolve in my column. Do you realize how much time that would entail? My nap schedule would be thrown into complete chaos!! Cats need at least 20 hours of sleep a day in order to function. Not to mention I would have no time to help my Mommie by jumping onto her lap when she is trying to work. Besides, I am too busy cyber stalking Kevin Bacon to fit anyone else into my schedule. (Mmmmmm......bacon!).

Furthermore, I am not making fun of anyone when I print their letters. If someone has the courage to write to me for advice, I am going to give them the best answer possible. As strange and/or entertaining as some letters may seem - like the man who claims he wears ladies silk panties because they cost less than men's silk boxers - they are all real. The only things I change are names that do not come with quotation marks around them. I also edit for content and length, as well as grammatical accuracy. I have readers from around the world, and accurate grammar allows for accurate translations.

My letters are chosen for print for a variety of reasons - some because they are amusing, like the one about the teacup dog in the baby stroller; some because they are from children, like the boy who wanted to know how to convince his Mom to get a puppy; some because they are follow-up letters, like the mother of the aforementioned boy whose husband brought home a puppy; some because they are just plain out there, like the letter about the wife with a Puss in Boots obsession or the nose-picking co-worker; and most because they are issues that people can relate to their own lives - as you have discovered.

I will take your questions as a compliment, since it means that the letters I choose to publish reach a wider audience than their writers!

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. I do not really stalk Mr. Kevin Bacon! (Mmmmm....bacon!).

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.