When Is It Time For A Stay-At-Home Mom To Return To Work?

Dear Tazi:

My Mom has been a stay-at-home Mom since before I was born. She quit her job when she found out she was pregnant with me in order to devote all of her time to being a Mom. I am now 17, an honor roll student, and a careful driver with a spotless first year driving record. I play sports or have study hall after school, so I usually do not get home until after 4:00 PM and I work a part-time job two evenings a week and on weekends. In summary, I am a responsible teenager who is not home during working hours (the school day starts at 7:30 in the morning).

My parents don't know that I know, but Dad has been pressuring Mom to find a paying job ever since I learned to drive. Mom argues that she needs to be home during the day in case I need her, and that she has a very busy schedule cooking and cleaning and sewing around the house and then volunteering at the church on occasion. Dad argues that nobody but her is home during the day, so how can the house get so dirty; that they eat out twice a week (the two nights I am not home for dinner because of work); and that if the church were to pay her for her work he would not mind her not looking for a regular job.

The fighting between my parents is really starting to upset me, because it is starting to take a toll on their relationship. I would like to tell my Mom that I am grateful for all that she has done for me, but that I am pretty capable of doing a lot for myself now. I can drive, I have a job and am responsible with my money, and I buy most of my own clothes - she hasn't sewn anything for me in years! I am also a pretty good cook, and would cook dinner a few nights a week if she would allow it, but she is a complete control freak in the kitchen.

Tazi, do you have any ideas on how to get my Mom to at least look for a job? Even a part-time one? I think it will go a long way towards helping to save my parents' marriage.

Signed,
Seventeen And Worried

Dear Seventeen And Worried:

While it is commendable that you want to help your parents through their marital spats, the only thing you should be worried about right now is keeping your grades up, finding a date for the prom, and investigating your post-high school opportunities. The issues between your parents may seem simple, but they go much deeper than they appear.

Your mother has not worked outside the home in almost 18 years. What kind of job do you suggest she seek? Her skills and education are probably badly in need of updating, and her resistance to look for work reflects this fact. She is probably scared that she will fail miserably or humiliate herself if she tries to re-enter the workforce after almost two decades out of it. Think about it: The last time your mother worked for a paycheck President Bill Clinton was the President of the U.S., the Internet just starting to go mainstream, grunge music was still all the rage, and boys still wore their pants several inches above their butts with their hats facing forward!

And sadly, people dressed like this!

If you want to help your parents, I suggest you show your letter and my response to them; you could even leave it laying on the dining room table if you don't want to give it to them personally. They each need to consider the other's point of view and reasoning; role-playing/role-reversal can be helpful in accomplishing this, as can the help of a qualified counselor or clergy-person. Since your mother is active with the church, your clergy may already be familiar with the situation; either way, it may do you good to talk to him or her in order to gain some perspective on the whole situation. As much as I hate to say it, this is not your problem to  solve.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. I don't want to speculate, but in absence of other issues, a woman who quits her job as soon as she becomes pregnant may have been unhappy with said job in the first place! Just one more thing to consider.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Cheerleader Says "Bring It On!", Parents Not So Spirited

Dear Tazi:

Have you ever seen the movie Bring It On? That could be the story of my life! I live, eat, sleep, and breathe cheerleading! I started with lessons when I was only 3 and have been on a squad since I was 7. I love cheerleading! It is all that I want to do with my life. My goal is to cheer professionally for the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. I cannot try out for them until I am 18, but I have been practicing really hard, and have the opportunity to go to a training camp where I can learn their moves and other ways to improve my chances of making it onto their squad. The problem is the cost: $300 per week, not including the cost of travel. I would like to attend for the entire summer program next year, bringing the cost to over $3,000.

I would like to use the money my parents have put in my college education fund to pay for cheer training camp. I figure if I make the Dallas squad I will not have time to go to college anyway, so why leave the money sitting there? I think using it for cheer training would be a much better use for it. As you have probably already guessed, my parents are firmly against this plan. I don’t think they are being fair. It is MY future; shouldn’t I get to decide what I want to do with it?

Signed,
Future D.C.B.C.L.

Dear Future D.C.B.C.L.

You do not say how old you are, but from the tone of your letter I will guess that you are a teenager. This means that your parents are legally responsible for you and that the decisions they make must be made with your best interests in mind. I realize that you understand the difficulty in making it onto a professional cheering squad; otherwise you would not be seeking such expensive, specialized training. Please tell me, what do you plan on doing for a living if you do not get picked for a professional cheering squad? This is what your parents are considering, and why they have set aside money to pay for your college education and not cheer camp.

$3,000 is a lot of money to invest in a dream, and you are essentially asking somebody else to pay for it. I will suggest a compromise that I think is fair to both you and your parents:

You must:

Be willing to work a part-time job to pay for at least 50% of this special cheer training camp (your parents can decide what percentage they would be willing to pay, and 0% is an acceptable answer).

Keep your school grades at or above the level you have them at now.

Agree to at least try college, to see if you like it and to work towards a degree as a back-up plan should a cheerleading position not come through right away (a community college would be the perfect place to start, as the costs are lower than a traditional college and the scheduling more flexible).

Your parents must:

Be supportive of your dream, as it appears they have been in the past, so long as you stick to your end of the bargain.

Accept your decision with regards to continuing your education, if after one year you decide you do not wish to continue

As you can see, the onus is on you to follow through with the tough stuff – planning and working towards a successful future, complete with a Plan B should things not go as planned, regardless of how talented you are. Football players are not the only ones who can suffer career-ending injuries.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Quality Time With Family Should Not Involve The Television

Dear Tazi:

I am a teenage girl with two brothers. My parents and my brothers all like the same types of TV shows, while I prefer something different. Every night the rest of my family wants to watch one TV show, and I would rather not watch at all than watch something that does not interest me. Because of this, I politely get up and go to my bedroom to watch TV in my room or study or something else that I find interesting. Sometimes, I just go to bed early.

My mother has been getting on my back about not staying in the living room "to spend quality time with the family". I have explained to her that I do not enjoy the same TV shows everyone else wants to watch, but my mother took it the wrong way and told me that the majority rules and that everyone else isn't going to be put out so I can watch my TV shows. It is not like I am trying to force everyone to conform to my TV tastes, Tazi! I told my Mom that I do not expect everyone else to watch my shows, but that I should not be forced to watch theirs.

My mother has threatened to take the TV out of my room if I refuse to sit and watch TV with the family for at least an hour each night. I don't think this is very fair. I just don't get the enjoyment they do from watching their shows, so why should I be forced to watch them?

Signed,
Not A Fan Of Reality TV

Dear Not A Fan Of Reality TV:

At the risk of angering your mother, I am going to rule with you - to an extent. I do not consider watching TV as a family "spending quality time" together. Quality time involves interaction with each other, something watching TV does not allow - especially if you are bored to tears with what is actually on, and wishing you could be watching something else. My larger concern is that you are still a student and your time would be better spent on your studies than on watching television.

Since your mother would like you to spend at least one hour with the family each evening, I suggest a compromise: for that one hour, you get to choose the television programming. If nobody is on board with this idea (and I doubt they will be) I have an even better suggestion: turn of the TV and spend real quality time together as a family at least twice a week. Card games, board games, Yahtzee, and other games that involve face-to-face interaction. DVR the television shows to watch at a later time. On the evenings when the family is watching TV, you should be allowed to excuse yourself to do homework or study. TV programs can be recorded or watched On Demand at a later time.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Unlocked Bike Borrowed Without Permission Is Stolen; Who Is Responsible?

Dear Tazi:

My brother had a brand new bike that he bought with his own money. It cost a lot of money, and he was planning on using it to bike ride across the country this summer. He keeps it in an unlocked shed in our backyard, even though our parents keep telling him he needs to lock up the shed or the bike so it doesn't get stolen. He did neither.

I decided to teach him a lesson by borrowing the bike to go to the store. Since there was no lock on it and I was only going to go inside for a minute or two, the bike was unchained but in full view of the store windows. I must have looked away at the wrong moment because when I came back outside five minutes later my brother's bike was gone! Someone had stolen it!

I walked home from the store with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, and when I got home I discovered that my brother had found his bike missing and called the cops to report it stolen. Now, technically the bike was stolen, just not from the shed in our backyard. Our parents have told my brother to "chalk the loss up to experience" and to learn to lock up his valuables. My brother's summer plans are toast, since he would have to spend the money he has saved for his trip on a new bike and then would have no money for the trip anyway.

I want to offer my brother some money towards a new bike, but even if I did it wouldn't be enough to cover both the cost of a new bike and the trip he wants to take so I haven't yet. If I tell my family that I took the bike from the shed and that it was stolen from the store I would be on the hook for the entire amount of a new bike, which I don't have, plus my brother would kill me and my parents would ground me for life. All I wanted to do was teach my brother a lesson, not ruin his whole summer. How can I make things right?

Signed,
No Wheels

Dear No Wheels:

Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive! I can understand your motivation, but it was not your place to teach your brother a lesson; in doing so, you have both learned one. Your guilty conscience is not going to disappear all on its own; you will have to come clean about your part in the bike theft for several reasons, starting with the fact that it is the ethical thing to do and ending with the possibility that the store from where the bike was stolen has security cameras that recorded the bike being stolen. By keeping quiet you are are leading the police down the wrong path.

You do not say if your brother's bike was insured under your parent's homeowner's insurance policy, but it would be worth finding out if the loss is covered. Again, in order to make this inquiry you have to admit your part in the wrongdoing. There is no easy way out of what you have done, so suck it up, buttercup, and go directly to your parents with the truth. You will have to pay for a replacement bike for your brother. Summer is still several months away, and there is a lot of snow shoveling and/or yard-work that can be completed between now and then, as well as other odd jobs where you could earn the money to compensate your brother for his loss. You may have to ask your parents to loan you the money until you have earned enough to pay for the bike if you cannot earn enough on your own by summer.

As for your brother, he is not going to kill you; a murder charge would surely ruin his summer plans worse than a stolen bike ever could. He will be very angry with you, and that is his right; however, I believe he has learned the importance of locking his bike at all times. It appears that he has also learned that he cannot trust you. This will be a lesson that is hard to unlearn; you have a lot of making up to do for him. I suggest that you start now by coming clean!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Teenager Wants To March To The Beat Of His Own Drum

Dear Tazi:

I am 16 years old and in a rock band. My band is made up of mostly older guys over the age of 18. They have finished school and are now concentrating full-time on the band. The plan is to try and get some local gigs while we earn and save money to go on tour next year, and hopefully get signed to a recording contract. My problem is that my mother will not let me do this!

Mom insists that I need to concentrate on my schoolwork and forget about the band. She says there is no point in continuing with them since their goals are obviously not in line with mine; that I need to finish high school and either go to college or get a full-time job. Tazi, if it were up to me I would quit school and go to work full-time so I could go on the road with the band. I hate school and it is a complete waste of my time.

My band-mates have all told me that they like me, but if it comes down to it they will replace me if I can’t go on the road with them; that this is their dream too and that they are doing all that they [must] to make it happen. It’s not fair, Tazi! This is my one chance to make it big! Why can’t my Mom see that?

Signed,
Student For Now, Drummer For Life

Dear Student For Now, Drummer For Life:

Is your name Rick Allen? I didn’t think so, so please do not think that your life will turn out as his did. [Ed. Note: Rick Allen is the drummer for Def Leppard, who quit school at 15 to tour with the band. He later lost an arm in a car accident, and learned to drum one-handedly!].

If your band is able to stick with their planned schedule, you will have one year of high school left by the time they are ready to start touring; that one year of your life can mean the difference between having completed your education or having to write “dropped out” on a job application. Also, just because your band has a plan does not mean that paid bookings to play will follow. My advice to you is to stay in school and finish your high school education; your band may still be there when you finish. If the band replaces you than it means you were never meant to be a part of it, which may be a good thing; what band would abandon one of their mates like that? Def Leppard did not abandon Rick Allen when he lost his arm! Rather, they waited for him as he learned how to drum with only one arm (incidentally, they say he plays better now than he did when he had two arms!).

As for your mother’s ruling that you must go to college or work full-time after graduating high school: If you are able to support yourself and wish to move out of her house and into your own place, you have my blessing to follow your heart. However, if you are still living with Mom at that time and are dependent upon her support it is her rules you will have to follow. Welcome to life!

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

The Time To Confront Shoplifting Daughter Is Before She Is Caught

Dear Tazi:

I think my teenage daughter might be shoplifting. Her father and I are divorced, and not on good terms. He is constantly late on his child support, and when he does pay it is never the full amount owed. Other than this he is a good father, which is why I allow him to continue with regular visitation with our daughter.

I mention all of this because lately "Tandy" has been coming home with a lot of small but pricey purchases, like OPI nail polish, L'Oreal lipsticks, and other items that can easily be palmed and hidden in a purse or pocket. Tandy does not receive a regular allowance because she refuses to do her chores, so she does not have spending money for these types of items. Last night she came home with a new DKNY sweater that I know she does not have the money to purchase! When I asked Tandy where she was getting the money to buy all of the things she has been getting, she responded that her father gives her the money to buy them. Can you see why I smell something fishy?

I tried to call my ex-husband to confirm Tandy's story, but he is behind on his child support (as usual) so he was not picking up my calls (as usual). I would like to confront my daughter about her story that her father is buying her stuff because in my heart I believe it to be untrue, but if she is not lying - and he really is buying her all of this expensive stuff - I would like to take him back to court and have his wages garnished to ensure that the money he gives for Tandy will go to pay for her needs - like food, the extra rent on a two-bedroom apartment, school supplies, and warm winter clothing - not the luxuries that she would rather have with the child support money.

I would hate to accuse my daughter of lying - or worse, shoplifting - but I need to get to the truth one way or another. Do you have any suggestions for me, Tazi?

Signed,
Struggling Mom

Dear Struggling Mom:

I can see that you are between a rock and a hard place. On the one hand is the possibility that your daughter is applying the famous five-finger discount to her purchases; on the other hand is the possibility that your ex-husband is trying to buy your daughter's love by letting her use the child support money on frivolities and luxuries. DKNY sweaters range in price from $75 to several hundred dollars - enough to buy an entire wardrobe of warm winter clothing instead of just one piece.

I suggest that you start your search for the truth by calling or emailing your ex-husband, giving him a detailed message of what has been going on, and what you plan to do if he does not give you a truthful response. Be sure to mention the cost of the items Tandy has been bringing home, just in case he tries to cover for the girl. If he does not respond within a few days, you might want to put in a call to the attorney who currently handles your child support issues.  S/he in turn can contact your ex-husband's legal representative, who will be able to explain the seriousness of the situation.

If your ex-husband is in fact purchasing Tandy the expensive goods she has been bringing home, it is time for him to stop, at least until he is current on his child support. You should allow your attorney to handle things from there; s/he will be able to subpoena financial records such as credit/debit card purchases showing the exact amount he has to spend on luxuries for Tandy, but not on child support!

You may, however, have to fact the fact that your ex-husband is not purchasing these presents for Tandy and that she is in fact stealing them or obtaining them through some other less than legit manner. As difficult as it will be, if this is what appears to be the case you must confront your daughter as soon as possible, before she gets caught and confronted by the police. Retailers usually take a hard-line with shoplifters, especially in a difficult economy. A difficult conversation with your daughter could save her legal difficulties down the road.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

As Uncool As It Sounds, Proper Grammar Is Important

Dear Tazi:

I am at my wit's end with my fourteen year old daughter!  "Sabrina" insists on writing all of her communications - from texts to school writing assignments - in text speak, or worse, LOL speak.  I will admit that it is charming when you kitty-cats do it, but it is sickening seeing my daughter's grades plummet because she thinks it is "cool" to write this way.  She is also starting to speak in street slang; she sounds like a punk!  This is not how she was raised!

My mother-in-law spent her entire career teaching proper English to middle school students (she was an English teacher).  I remember when my husband and I first started dating, how I worked on my grammar so as to impress her with my proper speech, and I have worked to pass the lessons she taught onto Sabrina, but Sabrina just won't listen!  Her grandmother is coming to visit from Florida this Christmas.  It is her first visit since moving two years ago, and I am afraid of what she will think when she asks about Sabrina's grades or offers to proofread her papers - something Sabrina used to love to do with her Grandma.

I have tried to punish Sabrina for her low grades, but nothing works - she continues to use poor grammar because she thinks it is the height of fashion and that "nobody cares about grammar anymore".  She complains that it is boring, old-fashioned, and outdated.  Can you think of a way that I can get my daughter back on track?

Signed,
Not LOL'ing

Dear Not LOL'ing:

It appears that your daughter is trying to fit in with a certain crowd, and hopefully this is merely a phase through which she is going on her way to becoming an independent thinker. I realize from your letter that you hold your mother-in-law in high esteem, and that you fear she will somehow think less of you because of your daughter's sudden change in writing habits.  I think you give your M-I-L far too little credit!  She has been proofreading your daughter's work over the years, and has watched her writing abilities develop.  Could her move to Florida - and subsequent lack of quality time with Sabrina - have brought on Sabrina's changed behavior?  Is it possible that her use of poor grammatical skills is a cry for attention?

I suggest that, in preparation for your M-I-L's visit, you contact her and explain the situation with Sabrina's writing; then, have your M-I-L contact Sabrina about proofreading her work via email and chatting about it through Skype or a webcam.  Both are wonderful ways to keep in touch and to kept the bond between Sabrina and her Grandma strong.  If Sabrina knows that her Grandma will be reading her work her attitude towards grammar may suddenly improve.  It  is my greatest hope that your daughter sees that by writing in text and LOL speak, she is perpetrating the untruth that she is an uneducated dolt.

I also think that it is time that Grandma have a talk with Sabrina about the importance of proper grammar when speaking and writing the English language.  In our ever widening global economy more and more business people are not native speakers of the American language, and proper grammar can make the difference between being understood or unintentionally insulting somebody.

Proper grammar can save a life!

On a personal note,  I would like to say that LOL cats aren't cute because of the way they are shown to speak; they are cute because they are cats!  Furthermore, as you can see by my column, cats do not speak in LOL-Catese.  This is a horrible scam, one that the Great Cat Overlord is working hard on correcting, as you can see here:

P. Tigris only takes the time to speak out on matters of utmost importance.  
The rest of the time he naps.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

A Date To A Dance Is Not Worth This Price Of Admission

Dear Tazi:

I am fifteen and attend a small junior-senior high school. My sister is twelve, and just started the seventh grade this past September. Because there is not a whole lot to do in my town, the school hosts a lot of events - sports games and dances are the biggest events, with quarterly semi-formals being the biggest draw to us students.

Every year, the seventh grade girls try to get a date with a ninth or tenth grade boy for the Christmas or Valentine's Day dance (the eleventh and twelfth grade boys generally ignore them). They think it is a sign of maturity and popularity that they are "going" with an older boy; that they are so hot that all the guys find them irresistible.

Now that I am in tenth grade, a lot of my sister's friends have started offering me promises if I take them to one of the big dances. Tazi, I am so not interested in girls that young, or girls that are d.t.f.. I have been letting them down gently since October. [Ed. Note: A check of UrbanDictionary.com revealed that d.t.f. is an extremely vulgar abbreviation. Since no polite synonym could be found, the term is used here, but out of protest for such language, no link to the term is provided].

I just found out that my little sister thinks the reason no boy asked her to the Christmas dance is because she isn't a hands-on type of girl, if you know what I mean. I also found out from one of my friends that she offered him "whatever he wants" in return for taking her to the Valentine's Day dance. My buddy told her he would take her if she promised to cut the attitude and show some self-respect, that he wouldn't want to be seen with a skank.

The good thing is that my sister has a date for the upcoming dance with a guy I trust to treat her like a lady, but my problem is what to do about the offer she made to him. I do not know if my friend was the first guy she approached or one of several. I would like to pull my big brother status on her and lecture her about how to behave, but I am afraid that might send her in the opposite direction. Should I tell my parents what I heard and let them decide what to do with her? I don't want to see my sister develop a reputation.

Signed,
Big Bro

Dear Big Bro:

("") ("") Two paws way up for your friend! with the exception of his choice of vocabulary, he showed a great deal of class in how he dealt with your sister and in following through on his word to take her to this dance. Hopefully, when your sister sees how a gentleman treats a lady she will now want to act like a lady.

America's Most FAMOUS Skank!

I can understand your desire to come down on your little sister for her very sad, twisted take on why she was not asked to the Christmas dance, but rather than try to discipline her I think you should try to talk to her about why she thinks her personal morals are the reason nobody asked her. It could be that she was concentrating so hard on getting a date with an older boy that she ignored the boys in her own age group. Explain to her what your friend already has: that a respectable boy is not the type to accept sexual favors from young girls, that respectable boys are attracted to the type of girl who respects herself and her body.

I think if you go to your parents with this issue your sister will not be seeing the lights of the dance floor - or any other social setting - for a very long time, so I suggest you give her a pass until after the Valentine's Day dance is over and see if her behavior was a one-time lapse of reason, which I think it may have been; no harm, no foul. If, on the other hand, your sister continues to offer her body in return for what she thinks is popularity and love you absolutely must tell your parents so they can deal with it on a more appropriate level.  Your sister is lucky to have a caring brother like you! Paws up to you, too!  ("") ("")

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Student Wants To Keep Plan To Drop Out A Secret

Dear Tazi:

I have not been doing well in school this year. As of my last report card I was failing two subjects and my grades have not improved any. My parents have refused to pay for summer school again (I went last summer) which means I will have to stay back a year. I can't stand school and I want to drop out. I know that this is a bad idea and that, in my state at least, you need to be 18 before you can test for a GED. I am only 16 1/2 which would mean I would have to wait a year and a half in limbo without a diploma or a GED.

I know a lot of employers will not hire a high school drop-out, so I was thinking about not officially dropping out. This way I can remain on the school roster as a student and work full-time at the same time. This would mean I have to work nights and weekends, but I would at least be able to establish myself in a job and prove what a good worker I am so when the boss finds out I dropped out of high school he wouldn't be so mad. Also, I could keep the fact that I have dropped out from my parents by pretending to go to school in the morning and then coming home to sleep while they are at work.

I am pretty sure my plan is fool-proof, but I wanted to run it by someone before I do it. I don't want to tell anyone because my Mom always says that once you tell someone a secret it is no longer a secret. Can you see any downfalls with my plan?

Signed,
Ready For The Real World

Dear Ready For The Real World:

Starting life in the "real world" based upon a lie is not a good way to start at all. If you are not brave enough to own your decisions than you are not brave enough to face the world on its terms. Based upon the poor grammar and number of spelling errors (all of which I corrected) I am going to assume that English is one of the subjects you are failing. Having a poor grasp on this subject is going to limit the types of job for which you will qualify. Even if your job does not require you to write, most jobs require you to be able to understand written instructions. This is where a high school education will come in handy.

I commend you on your plan to test for a GED, but there is no guarantee that you will pass the test, and you will have to study for it, just as you would for any other test you take in school. The only difference is that this test is a much larger one with a lot more riding on it.

If you were to work full time and not attend school, you would eventually be dropped from the rolls. Depending on your school district you may be dropped after as little as one month of unexcused absences. In the meantime, the school would be calling your parents to report your absence as well as the truant officer to search for and locate you. If you think your parents are upset with you now, wait and see how upset they will be if you follow through with your plan.

If you have not been tested for learning handicaps (dyslexia, ADD, or other issues that can make learning difficult) I suggest you go to your guidance counselor and ask for a screening. Your hatred of school may stem from your poor grades, which may in turn stem from a learning disorder that has gone undiscovered.

I strongly urge you to complete your high school education, but if you are set on dropping out than I strongly suggest you be honest about it.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

The Baby In This Stroller Is A Real Dog

Dear Tazi:

I have a problem and I need an opinion from an animal lover. I am 16, and I have an adorable teacup Maltese named "Snowflake"; she has been with me since I was 10 and I love her very much! She only weighs 2 pounds, and fits into my purse she is so small. She is an indoor dog, and uses a litter-box like a cat. She has plenty of toys to play with, and gets enough exercise by running around the house and climbing up and down stairs. My mother, however, believes that dogs should be allowed to go outside to get sunshine and fresh air, and insists on taking her with her when she goes jogging. This is my problem:

Snowflake is obviously way too small to be able to keep up with my mother while she jogs, so my Mom - thinking this is a way to add resistance to her workout - insists on putting Snowflake into a huge baby stroller and pushing it as she jogs through the neighborhood. Not only is this completely humiliating (have you ever seen something like this?) but I am afraid that this practice puts Snowflake at risk of being snatched up by an animal predator. Birds of prey such as owls, falcons, and hawks have been spotted in my area; and leaving Snowflake exposed - like she is when she is in the baby stroller - makes her an easy target.

My Mom thinks I am over-reacting, and using the idea of Snowflake as a bird's lunch as an excuse to get her to stop this humiliating practice. The fact that tossing the baby stroller from her jog would be an added bonus to keeping Snowflake safe has crossed my mind; but it is not the reason I object to my Mom taking Snowflake on her jogs. I am honestly concerned about my dog's welfare! Could you please help me explain to my Mom the danger Snowflake is in every time she is taken out like this?

Signed,
Double Whammy

Dear Double Whammy:

I have in fact seen people who take their small dogs out for a stroll in a baby carriage/stroller; and I have often wondered exactly why they were doing that. Thank you for offering clarity on this practice. Can you also explain why someone might do this to a cat?



Just curious...

As for what you were saying about birds of prey, you are correct that they would find your dog a tasty meal, and in worrying about the fact that your dog would be exposed to them while being pushed in a baby stroller. Unless the stroller has a roof/cover on it, birds of prey will have that proverbial bird's-eye-view of your dog and would be able to swoop down on your pet before your mother would have the chance to react. Furthermore, these birds have an incredibly large wingspan (4 - 6 feet from wingtip to wingtip) and very sharp talons. If a bird were to swoop down to attack Snowflake while your mother was still moving, she could end up the unintended target of the attack. This is something that needs to be pointed out to her immediately.

While I agree that all animals need fresh air and sunshine, both can be found by a screened window on a sunny day. The veterinarians I have met at the animal hospital all say that being an indoor cat keeps me healthier and will let me live a longer life. The same can be said for your dog. If you must take Snowflake outside, you must also make sure that she is well protected - and a baby stroller is not a good form of protection. If your mother wishes to jog with a baby stroller for extra resistance, she can do just that; substituting a two-pound barbell in place of Snowflake.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Pregnant Teenage Neighbor Has Mother Worried For Her Own Daughter

[Editor's Note: The pseudonym "Jezebel" was chosen by the letter writer; the pseudonym"Carrie" was chosen by Tazi.]

Dear Tazi:

My daughter "Carrie" is seventeen. I have done my best to raise her with solid, Christian morals that are lacking in today's world. Carrie has always been a good girl, who has never given me a lick of trouble, but I am concerned about the kind of influence the girl across the street is on her.

Carrie's best friend "Jezebel" is not the good Christian girl my daughter is, as evidenced by her unplanned, pre-marital pregnancy. Jezebel's mother is thrilled that she is going to be a Grandma, and cannot stop beaming about this horrendous news. I have heard from Carrie that Jezebel's mother is redecorating a wing of her house to create a suite for Jezebel, the baby's father, and their bastard child. She is also talking about hiring a nanny to assist with the care of the child so Jezebel can finish high school and go to college.

Tazi, I have always warned my Carrie that premarital sex is an abomination in the eyes of the Lord, and would result in pregnancy, which would result in a life of poverty. In one fell swoop, Jezebel's mother has destroyed all that I have tried to teach my daughter! I have informed Carrie that if she were to come home pregnant not to expect the same welcome that Jezebel has received from her mother. I have told Carrie she is no longer allowed to hang out with Jezebel.

My husband travels frequently for work, so he is not here to assist me with Carrie; raising a child alone is hard enough when you are married! Knowing this, I have altered Carrie's allowance structure. She still gets the same $100/week, but only $20 of it in cash and the rest is on a prepaid debit card. This way, I can track her purchases and see what she is buying. (Condoms? Birth control pills? An abortion?). Carrie is upset about this change, saying it is proof that I do not trust her to behave, and my husband thinks I am over-reacting; both argue that I have raised Carrie to be a certain kind of woman, and that she is not going to turn her back on that upbringing. I, however, am not convinced. Carrie suggested that I write to you, and we have agreed to abide by your decision. Tazi, am I over-reacting?

Signed,
High Moral Mom

Dear High Moral Mom:

Your decision to raise Carrie to believe in an angry, vengeful God over a loving, forgiving God is your business - not your neighbors' business, so please climb down off of your high horse and stop judging them because they do not conform to your standards; let go of your anger over your neighbor's decision to support her daughter in her time of need, to welcome the birth of her first grandchild. Would you rather see the young couple dropping out of school, living in an inner-city apartment, and collecting welfare just to prove a point to your daughter? This does not sound like a very Christian attitude!

You cannot isolate your daughter from the world, so you must trust that you raised her well enough that she will want to make you proud and be the type of person you raised her to become. Jezebel (did you really have to call her that?) is going to need all the love and support she can get during a time that is bound to be stressful. However, between completing her senior year of high school, studying for her SAT's, giving birth, applying for colleges, and caring for a newborn I doubt she is going to have a whole lot of free time to hang out with her friends. Seeing this may be enough to reinforce that which you have taught your daughter about the side effects of having sex.

Your decision to keep a closer eye on Carrie's spending is one I can get behind, if only because I believe that a parent should monitor their children's spending habits, in order to help them learn responsible spending habits. Since a debit card cannot be used everywhere, and can be inconvenient for small purchases, Carrie should have some money in her pocket. It is your reasoning for switching Carrie's allowance from all cash to minimal cash and a prepaid card is, to put it bluntly, insulting. If your daughter wanted to purchase any of the things you think she might be purchasing she would find a way to do it without alerting you, by either going through friends or squirreling away money each week. For the record, on $20 cash per week, she would have to save for the duration of her pregnancy to have an abortion, which makes this worry moot.

I think you need to dial back the control you seek to have over your daughter and have an open and honest conversation with her about the fact that she will soon be an adult, off at college and on her own. Will you give her the chance to show you that she is ready to accept the challenges of being a Christian adult in a secular world?

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Algebra Tests Are Not The Only Cause Of Stomach Pains

Dear Tazi:

Yesterday, I was sick with a nasty stomach flu, but my Mom didn't believe me when I said I was sick. She thought I just wanted to get out of taking an Algebra test that I didn't study for, and that my anxiety was what was giving me a stomach ache. She sent me to school, even though I begged her to let me stay home.

My Algebra test was during first period, and once the test is started, the teacher does not allow you to leave the room for anything. It was midway through the test that I felt my stomach clench, and I knew I would have to get to a bathroom FAST! I begged the teacher for a hall pass, but he would not give one so I ran out of the classroom without one. On the way to the lav, the Hall Monitor saw me running and demanded my hall pass - which of course I did not have. To make a long, disgusting story short and sweet, I ended up being sent to the Nurse's office to wait for a ride home so I could go change my clothes.

Tazi, I go to a small school and I am pretty sure that everyone will have heard about what happened to me. The smell coming from the Nurse's office was pretty bad, and the student volunteers in the Main Office knew something was happening. All of my classmates saw me run out of the Algebra test and not return. Do you think people will put two and two together and figure out what - and who - was the cause of the smell? My Mom says no, but I am not so sure that I want to trust her opinion - after all, it was her opinion that got me into this mess (no pun intended).

Signed,
Em-BARE-ASS-ed

Dear Em-BARE-ASS-ed:

Judging from your signature, you are able to laugh at the situation - just not as it applies to you. Considering the time-sensitive nature of your letter, I am printing it the same week that I received it; so you should see it before you have to return to school.

Please do not blame your Mom for her judgement error. If every Mom believed her teenage child when they complained of stomach pains, Algebra tests everywhere would go un-taken. Obviously, you were telling the truth when you complained of stomach pains; it's just that your timing was bad.

Eventually, you will have to go back to school! You cannot simply drop out because you are afraid of being embarrassed. If it is any comfort to you, know that the teachers and the school Nurse are all bound by confidentiality rules - meaning those who witnessed your embarrassing moment cannot talk about it. Since no student actually saw you covered in your own waste, they cannot know for certain that you were the cause of the smell. If by the time you get back to school the incident has not been forgotten, I would suggest you not involve yourself in it. Tell people the truth - you went home sick that day and missed the aftermath of the commotion. If your classmates insist on pinning the commotion on you, simply say that you "got sick" (a euphemism for vomiting) on your clothes and went home to change and rest. Your personal medical status is not their concern.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. As a cat, I am partial to Puss in Boots brand "No Pants" Pants. I don't think this would work for humans, though.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Teenage Vegetarian Seeks Parental Acceptance For Her Choice

Dear Tazi:

I am seventeen and for many reasons I have decided to become a vegetarian. I am not certain if I want to go completely vegan, but I do not wish to see animals die for my meals any longer. When I told my mother this she responded that as long as I eat at her table I will eat what she serves and not argue about it. I figured I could get around this by simply not eating dinner when she serves meat, but she grounded me for wasting food! How am I the one wasting food when I tell her not to prepare a meat-based serving for me?

My father has been a bit more supportive, suggesting that I am going through a "teenage phase" and asking my Mom to "play along" until I "grow out of it". Tazi, this is not a phase! I will be off to college in another year and a half and I will be able to eat however I want, and a vegetarian diet is what I want. In fact, I am only looking at schools that offer vegetarian meal plans.

My decision to go vegetarian has caused a lot of stress around my dinner table. This was not my intent and would like to try and diffuse it, but it looks like the only way to do that is to give up my new lifestyle as a vegetarian and that is not an option. Can you think of any ways to get my mother to lay off on the meat? She serves it at almost every meal!

Signed,
Vegging In, Not Out

Dear Vegging In, Not Out:

For years now, medical science has touted the benefits of a well-balanced vegetarian diet. The key here is the term "well-balanced", which means your diet should include a combination of starchy and non-starchy vegetables, grains, and legumes (nuts, beans, and other protein rich plant-based foods. So often, people who decide to "go veg" do not do their homework and end up eating a poorly balanced diet that is deficient in many of the amino acids needed to build proteins - which are the building blocks of the enzymes your body needs to function!

I suggest that you ask your mother why she is so offended by your choice to eliminate animal flesh from your diet. If she is concerned that you will end up malnourished a trip to the doctor for a full check-up and a visit with a dietitian, who can show you all that you need to eat in order to achieve a balanced diet, will go far in assuaging her fears.

I only wish it was this easy!

If your mother is afraid that your new diet will be an additional burden on her, requiring her to make separate menus for every meal you need to make sure that this does not happen. It is very simple to ask your Mom to set aside a portion of a recipe before adding any meat to it; it is quite another to demand an entire meal be prepared separately for your needs, since there is no medical reason for your specialized diet. For example, if your mother is making spaghetti and meat sauce, ask her to set aside some of the sauce before adding the meat/meat juices; if she is making steak and potatoes, do not tell her that she needs to prepare a Tofurky for you. Rather, politely request that she not prepare a helping of steak for you and sit with your family and eat the parts of the meal that coincide with your dietary preferences.

If your mother's concern is that your vegetarian needs will be a burden on the family's grocery budget, offer to pay for the additional cost of your specialized foods. If your mother normally buys you beef hot dogs for $3.69 a package and tofu pups cost $3.99, offer to pay the difference in cost. Although 30-cents is not much, over the cost of an entire shopping trip the money really does add up fast!

Lastly, if your mother is afraid that you just don't like her cooking, reassure her that this is not the case; that the decision you have made to eschew meat is a deeply personal one. Try sharing your reasoning with her to help her understand that your decision is about you, not her, or anyone else for that matter. You may not be able to convince either of your parents that you are not going through a "teenage phase", but you may be able to convince them to be more accepting of your choice once they see you handling it in a mature and responsible manner.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. Another idea is to buy a vegetarian cookbook and offer to cook dinner for your family or ask your Mom to help you prepare some vegetarian recipes! Quality time is what the family dinner hour is all about!

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Need For Speed Results In A Need For Fast Cash

Dear Tazi:

I am in big trouble, and don't know what to do so I am writing to you for help because my own cat doesn't talk. I am 17-years-old and recently got my drivers' license. I was driving my Mom's convertible the other day, and with the top down and the wind blowing through my hair I felt like I was in the middle of a Fast and Furious movie! It was so awesome - until I got stopped for speeding, that is.

I got tagged for going 80 in a 35 mph zone, and the ticket is over $300. I can't understand what the problem was - there was hardly any traffic on the road, so it was not like I was putting anybody in any real danger - but there is no way I can fight the ticket in court, so I am on the hook for the entire thing. My Mom doesn't know about it yet, so I was hoping to pay it before she finds out and nobody will ever know. The problem is, I would have to spend the money I was saving to go to my [high school] Snow Ball in January. I could go without a new dress, but then people would start asking questions and my whole secret might unravel.

I have a pair of gold earrings that my grandmother gave to me (before she died last year) as a Sweet Sixteen birthday gift. They were very expensive, and I learned from watching Pawn Stars that gold is in high demand right now; so I think I could pawn them for enough money to cover the ticket, but then how would I explain to my Mom where my gold earrings went? If I claim to have lost them that will end up with me being grounded. Otherwise, this plan is perfect. I know you don't approve of lying Tazi-Kat, but this wouldn't really be a lie because I would be able to get the earrings back in just a few months. Can you think of a good story to tell my Mom if she asks about my missing earrings?

Signed,
No Longer Fast, But Still Furious

Dear No Longer Fast...:

I can tell you who will be furious when the time comes to renew the auto insurance on her car: your Mom, who will want to know exactly when you got the speeding ticket you have been trying to hide from her and why you thought you would be able to get away with it. Remember, it was her car you were driving, which means it is connected to her vehicle registration. She will find out about the speeding ticket sooner or later.

Compounding her anger - and certainly your punishment - will be the fact that you risked losing what might someday be a valuable heirloom in your attempts to cover up your driving infraction. Although it is a pawnbroker's preference to be paid on the loans they make, they are running a business; and if something happens that leaves you unable to pay for your pawn in the allotted time, you can kiss those gold earrings goodbye!

I strongly advise that you come clean with your Mom, explaining that you got caught up in the moment and did not realize how fast you were going or that you were endangering others - which, contrary to what you might believe, you were. Many a pedestrian has been hit by a speeding car that did not see them! If you accept your punishment gracefully, your mother might be more lenient with you.

If you are still determined to go ahead with your plan to pawn your earrings, there is nothing I can suggest to help you. I will not be party to lying, especially to a Mom.

-- Tazi Kat

P.S. That's right!  No snuggles for you! 

Teen Screams for Halloween; Mom Fears Mischief Is Afoot

Dear Tazi:

Halloween is approaching, and my 14-year-old daughter has informed me she would like to go trick 'o' treating this year, after taking last year off because it was "too babyish". She says she misses it, and would like to go again before she gets "too old to get free candy". I can't help but be suspicious that her goal is not to trick 'o' treat, but to meet up with her friends and cause some Halloween trouble.

When I asked her point-blank if this was her plan, she flew off the handle and accused me of not trusting her. Tazi-Kat, she is 14; and I clearly remember the things I said and did to try and fool my parents when I was that age. My daughter does not seem the type to start trouble, but then neither did I when I was 14. I do not want to judge my daughter by my past behavior; but I do not want to allow her to pull the wool over my eyes, either. Any suggestions on a happy medium, Tazi?

Signed,
Not the Wicked Witch!

Dear Not the Wicked Witch:

Fourteen is an age at which your daughter is being torn between two lives - the childhood that has slipped away from her and the adult world that is fast approaching. It is a difficult time to for anyone to navigate, especially the people going through it.

Fourteen is also a little too old to be trick 'o' treating, and my cat instincts tell me that your instincts are right on the money. A happy medium would be a compromise in the form of a Halloween get-together for your daughter and her friends. You do not have to host a party at your house, but do think of an activity that a group of 14-year-olds would enjoy, while keeping in mind that it is a weekend. Halloween is on a Friday this year, which means a weekend of mischief may be afoot for bored teens!

An evening of Rock 'n' Bowl is always fun, and I am certain the local alleys will have something going on for Halloween night. Roller-rinks can also be a great hang-out that will provide fun for all, and mischief for none. If you would like, you could also host a small gathering in your home (and provide lots and lots of Halloween candy, so your daughter does not feel deprived of her treats).

If, in the end, your daughter is adamant about going trick 'o' treating, check with your neighbors to see if any of them need a responsible teenaged girl to escort their younger children through the neighborhood; and exert your parental authority: let your daughter know that her options have all been presented, and she can take them - and spend an enjoyable Halloween with friends or trick 'o' treating, as she wanted - or leave them, and spend the night at home.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Underage Romance Can Lead To Some Very Adult Legal Isuses

Dear Tazi:

I am 14, and very mature for my age. My mother, who has not dated since my father left when I was just a baby, has started seeing a very nice man that she really seems to like. I am happy for her, because I know she put her life on hold to raise me. Now that I am practically grown, it is her time to enjoy some of the things life has to offer.

The man she is dating also has a child - a 19 year old son named "Chuck" who I like a lot. Chuck has told me I am "one fine looking female" and would like to "see where things can go" between us. I realize that there is an age difference between us; but girls mature faster than boys, so there really isn't much of an age difference between us at all!

My one concern is that by dating Chuck, it may complicate things between my Mom and his Dad. Chuck agrees with me on this point, and says that this is why we would have to keep our romance a secret. I do not like the idea of keeping the fact that I have a boyfriend a secret, and told Chuck that; so for now, we are staying just friends. Tazi, do you have any advice on how to get Chuck to see that being public with our relationship is the only way we can grow as a couple?

Signed,
Molly From the South

Dear Molly From the South:

I am from the North, so I realize that we have a bit of a culture clash between us, starting with at what age it is appropriate for a young girl to enter into a relationship; however, the law is quite clear on this matter. All 50 states and the District of Columbia have what is called a Unrestricted Age of Consent. That is the age where it is legally acceptable for a man over the age of 18 to enter into a romantic/physical relationship with a girl who is under the age of 18. In no state is 14 the age of consent. You do not say which specific state you are from, but no state has set the age younger than 16 - and more than a few Southern states set the age at 17 or even 18. I believe this to be the real reason that Chuck would like to keep your romance a secret. It would not matter if your mother objected; if a romance between the two of you were discovered, the authorities could arrest Chuck and send him to jail.

The fact that Chuck would like to "see where things can go" between the two of you while keeping things a secret leads me to believe that he is after only one thing, and that you would be wise not to give in to him. Thus far, from what I can gather from your letter, you seem to have made some very mature choices. Paws up to you! Please do not let your romantic feelings for Chuck get in the way of making clear-headed choices.

Please remember that dating, hugging, holding hands and kissing are not illegal in any state; so long as it does not cross the line into "3rd base" behavior (groping, fondling, etc.). IF your mother is okay with you dating Chuck AND Chuck is willing to play by these rules, I would give a cautious O.K. to move forward - but only because it is your mother's approval that you need, not mine. You all might want to keep in mind that Chuck may one day be your step-brother.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Young Man Discovers That Making Money Does Not Bring Happiness

Dear Tazi:

I have the worst job on earth and I hate it. It’s a total McJob with no future and it barely pays the bills, but in this economy what hope does a young person have of making it? I graduated high school this past June and since I’m not going to college I’m working. I figured why spend money on more education when I could be paid to work? A college education is no guarantee of success.

Now that it is August all of my friends are packing up and moving away to college while I am stuck here mopping floors and emptying waste cans. I was reconsidering going to college until I saw the price tag. Tazi, one semester at a state school would cost me three months pay! Plus, I would have to quit working full time, so it would be costing me more than just tuition to go to college. What a scam!

I have considered joining the military, but even if I could pass the physical tests I am not sure it’s what I would want. I am afraid I would be sent overseas and killed. Even if I am not on the front lines, I could be in a truck that gets blown up by an IUD. I don’t have any job skills like carpentry or electrical work, and schools that teach that stuff are way expensive. I have asked around to see if anyone would train me, but nobody took me up on the idea. My future is looking pretty rough, Tazi old boy. What would you do if you were in my situation?

Signed,
Joe

Dear Joe:

Not to dump on you any further, but it’s an IED – improvised explosive device – not an IUD, which is a form of birth control (intrauterine device). Since you are uncertain about the military and fear the thought of serving in a war zone, I discourage you from following this path.

You mention that you do not have any vocational job skills (carpentry, electrical, etc.) and that schools for these programs are “way expensive”. While this may be true, many community colleges offer certificate programs in these areas. A certificate is not a degree, so the only classes required would be the ones that are somehow connected to the trade you are learning, and most programs can be completed within 12 – 18 months. Many of these programs are designed to fit around a work schedule, too, so you would be able to continue working half-time or more, if not full-time, and financial aid is available, including grant monies (which, unlike student loans, do not need to be repaid). Is this something that might interest you?

It is obvious from your letter that you hate your job, see no future in it, and fear for your own future. For now, you must “suck it up” as R. Lee Ermey might say (only in more colorful language) and be grateful for the opportunity to earn your living – many Americans and Europeans have been out of work for an extended period of time, with the 18 – 25 year old population suffering through unemployment rates greater than 50%. Plus, you could have to deal with people like this guy.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Teens Ask For Dating Advice From Tazi-Kat

Dear Tazi:

My friends and I are having what we would call a "debate" and our Social Studies teacher would call a "discussion" because we have no researched fact on the subject. Whatever! He makes things so awkward sometimes! Anyway, our "debate" is about boys and relationships and since we love your column we hoped you would answer the question for us: Do you think it is better to date lots of boys but have short-term relationships or date only one or a few boys and have long-term relationships.

My friend Amanda thinks it is best to date lots of boys so you can discover what you like and don't like, and to learn how boys think. My friend Jennifer thinks that you should hold out for the one special boy that you like and have a long-term relationship with him. I think if a boy asks you on a date you should give him a chance because you might learn that you like him after you spend some time with him, but Amanda and Jennifer both say no - that if you are going to accept a date with a boy you should like him first. We have all just started our first year of middle school, and are expecting boys to start asking us on dates soon so we really need to know the answer. Thanks, Tazi! You're the ace boon kitty!

Sincerely,
Courtney

Dear Courtney:

I am also a bit confused...what's an ace boon? I am just a little kitty who (almost) never leaves the backyard. Your words sound like a compliment, so I will take them that way! (Readers, if anyone can translate teen-speak for me that would be awesome!).

Since you and your friends are expecting boys to start asking you on dates next school year, I suppose it's time Tazi had the talk with you about dating; I am so glad you brought it up, so here it is:

1) There is nothing wrong with being in a long-term relationship, but you are far too young to be in a serious (physical or emotional) relationship, which is what long-term relationships generally become. Your bodies and your minds are still developing, which can be overwhelming enough as it is. Add in the emotional roller-coaster that a relationship can be and you will definitely be distracted from more important things - like your schoolwork, your family, and your friends. Keep things light! Sixteen and pregnant is not as cool as it looks on MTV.


Photo courtesy of I'm Not Right In the Head.com

2) Unless you want to develop a reputation for being easy (even if you aren't) dating several boys over a short-period of time is never a good idea. It generally leads to hurt feelings and arguments among the people who take sides when the break-up occurs. Who needs that kind of drama? You can discover how boys think and what you like or don't like in a boy by being friends with them, so I suggest that you all get to know the boys you plan on dating through mutual friends and group events - like a school dance, a movie night, or sporting event - where there is a pretty equal mix of boys and girls.

3) Accepting a date with someone you do not know well is a bad, bad, bad idea! This goes for boys as well as girls. People are not always as nice as they seem. Plus, a date with someone you do not know well can make for a very "awkward" time. If you absolutely, positively MUST give the person a chance I suggest you go to a crowded place or a group event, or better yet eat lunch with him in the school cafeteria. Never be alone with someone you do not know - this is good advice for anyone who dates, regardless of their age!

So...who wins your "debate"? I would call it a draw. You all have good intentions towards dating, and when the time comes you will discover just where and how to adjust these ideas to reach your personal comfort zone until the time comes - many moons from now - that you are ready to settle down with that special someone.

Snuggles to all,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Attractive Daughter Receiving More Attention Than Dad Would Like

Dear Tazi:

I am the father of a very attractive, very well-developed 16-year-old girl. As if my daughter's stunning good looks were not enough to worry me, she is also very popular due to her sweet personality and the many extra-curricular activities in which she participates in and out of school.

Her mother and I have worked to raise her right, and keep her on a moral path; and thus far, I'd like to think we have done a good job. My concern is her social networking habits. "Staci" has a habit of Facebook friending everyone she has ever met, and encourages people to "follow" her on Twitter. Even though she does not post too much personal information to these sites, she is fond of posting pictures of the many events she attends - school dances, football games, work sites for Habitat for Humanity (she volunteers with them one weekend a month). These pictures - aside from providing a permanent online record - give people details as to her whereabouts, making it easy for her to be found when she is offline.

As far as I am concerned, inviting someone to "follow" you is an open invitation to stalk you, and I am concerned that some of the boys she has "friended" are starting to do just that. In particular, one young man that she met at the beach this summer has shown up at every one of her school's events, and is now volunteering for Habitat. Although I admire his school spirit and commitment to helping those in need, I cannot help but think his motives have more to do with dating my daughter than with improving his chances of getting into a good college.

Staci's Mom thinks I am over-reacting, and has pointed out that our daughter is a very responsible young woman with admirable Internet habits. She has never given us an ounce of trouble; but it is not my daughter's behavior that concerns me - it is that of those who follow her, online and in person. Staci has a close (male) friend who she has known since babyhood and that I trust implicitly. She is like a little sister to him, and I would like to ask him to keep an eye on my daughter, and on those who are keeping their eyes on her. Would this request be unreasonable?

Signed,
Overprotective Dad?

Dear Overprotective Dad?:

First let me say that your daughter is a lucky young woman to have two such caring parents that balance each other so well. Keep up the good work!

I also have to say that your comment that inviting people to follow you on Twitter is an open invitation to stalk you is a bit extreme, especially since your daughter's postings seem pretty innocuous. [Ed. Note: The writer included a link to his daughter's social networking pages]. She is not updating her status every time she leaves a room, so it would be pretty difficult for someone to stalk her, considering she only updates her status twice a day (on average). Someone who is merely smitten with your daughter would probably be content to sigh over such postings; but a stalker would definitely seek more, and such behavior would be quite noticeable.

With regard to the boy who has suddenly developed a social conscience and a sense of school spirit, so long as his behavior does not escalate - and he is actively participating in the events and projects for which he has signed up - I see no problem with his intentions. Many men have gone to extremes in their attempts to court a lady; so be glad that this young man's attempts are resulting in a greater good.

As for asking your daughter's platonic male friend act as her bodyguard, this may not be necessary. If he looks upon your daughter like he would a "little sister" you can be certain that he is already keeping an eye on Staci, and on those who are keeping eyes on her. There is no need to formally request such protection.

Teen's Room Is Her Domain, So Remain "com", Mom

Dear Tazi:

My sweet, beautiful, talented, and pleasant daughter is driving me up a wall! Yes, she is a teenager. Could that have gone without saying? On most fronts, "Eleanor" is the perfect child - and I am not just saying that because I am her Mom! She stays out of trouble, dresses appropriately for her age, gets excellent grades in school, is involved in extra-curricular activities and sports, is popular without being a "mean girl", and even volunteers at the local animal shelter on Saturday mornings. In fact, it was she who suggested I write to you, and we have both agreed to abide by your advice.

My problem with Eleanor is her bedroom. It is an absolute pigsty, and this is in complete contrast to the rest of my home, which is neat as a pin. At any one point in time, half of her clothes are on the floor in what she calls "laundry piles"; I cannot see the top of her dresser for all the papers, books, and accessories littering it; her bed is never made; and I will not even begin to tell you about her closet, as mere words cannot describe the dumping ground that it is.

I realize that my daughter's busy schedule demands a great deal of her time and energy, so the last thing she wants to do when she gets home is clean; but her bedroom is just so far out of hand! The more I beg her to clean it up, the worse it gets. In spite of her protests that she is not, I think she is doing this to spite me. My daughter claims that it is her room and she should be able to keep it the way she wants; but I counter that it is in my house, and I want the room clean. What do you think, Tazi? Which of us is right?

Signed,
Debra the Harried Mom

Dear Debra-Harried:

I can understand your frustration completely! If it were up to me, my litter-boxes would be cleaned and freshened after my every use; whereas my Mommie feels that a once-a-day cleaning and sanitizing should suffice. This brings me to the detail that you left out of your letter: Is your daughter's room dirty? Not just messy, but dirty?  Does she leave dishes with food stuck on them lying around, or sticky glasses, or other things that would attract ants or other bugs? Does her room emit an unpleasant odor that is stinking up the rest of the house? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then she has crossed the line from messy to dirty and her room should be cleaned immediately for the health of the entire household.  Feel free to revoke her priviliges until this happens. 

On the other hand, your daughter's argument that her room is her personal space is a valid one. I realize that it is your house, but this one corner of it is space that you have given to her to have as her own. It is her personal domain; the place where she can decompress and "let it all hang out".  If she chooses to keep this space in disarray then she is the one who has to live in disarray, not you. If you cannot stand the sight of her mess, just close the bedroom door and pretend that it is not there. Sooner or later, she will get sick of her own surroundings and clean the place. She will also run out of clean laundry, and be forced to clean up the piles on the floor and organize her closet.   [One caveat: Do not allow her to burn candles, incense, or anything with a flame.  This could create a fire hazard].

You say that you "beg" her to clean her room. Are you sure that you are begging and not nagging? The two may seem similar, but to the person on the receiving end they are vastly different; and whereas the first will generally elicit sympathy, the second will result in your daughter stubbornly digging in her heels and refusing to clean just to spite you. Letting her be may result in her abiding by your wishes sooner, rather than later.

I realize this advice may be hard for you to accept, so I can offer an extreme alternative: embarrassment. The next time your daughter's friends show up at the door, invite them in and tell them that she is "up in her room" and send them in to see her. To a teenager, nothing is worse than the disapproval of their peers; so if her friends are horrified by the mess their reaction just might inspire her to turn into Martha Stewart.

Snuggles,
Tazi