Life A "Cluster-Fluke" For Woman Who Believed Unfounded Gossip

Dear Tazi:

My life has turned into one big, giant cluster-fluke and I need some help sorting things out. I come from a large family with several sisters and many female cousins; we all grew up very close and that closeness has not faded, even though we are now all adults with families of our own.

My problem started about two years ago, right after my youngest sister got married. Her husband “Sam” told me that, as much as it pained him to say it, he had to let me know that my cousin “Marcy” was gossiping about me and my sisters, telling him all kinds of dirty laundry as her way of welcoming him to the family. Although I had never known Marcy to gossip I had no reason to believe that Sam would lie about her, so I believed Sam.

Rather than confronting Marcy directly, I needled her every chance I got. If she commented on my Facebook page or pictures I posted, I would attack her – right there on my page, not in a private message – for some imagined slight in her words. When she apologized, I saw it as my chance to attack her further. Finally, Marcy got sick of it and told me that she “apparently only opens her mouth to change feet” and would stop posting anything to my page. I took this as an opportunity to gleefully and publicly announce that was going to unfriend her, since looking without commenting is creeping, and then I did just that. That was a year and a half ago, and I have not spoken to Marcy since.

Over the last year and a half my marriage has taken a downward spiral as my husband finds more and more reasons to stay out of the house and away from me and the kids. I have not said anything to my family, who think my marriage is picture-perfect – a façade I can uphold because I live an hour and a half away from the rest of my family. However, I live in a small town where nobody’s business is private and everyone here knows how much time my husband spends down at the bar. Enter Marcy, who just got a new job working in my small town.

The rest of our family does not know that we are not speaking; they just assume that we never see each other because we are both too busy to visit. When I heard Marcy was working in my town, I waited for her outside of work one night to talk to her, face-to-face, and tell her that I would appreciate it if she did not gossip about me to the rest of the family; that anything she heard in town should stay in town. Marcy looked at me icily and replied, “I have never gossiped about you in the past, why would I start now?” She asked me to give her regards to my Mom, got in her car, and drove off, leaving me to wonder if Marcy had forgotten all of the cruel things she had said about me and my sisters or if Sam had by lying about it.

I have been unable to get a moment’s peace since that conversation with Marcy. I need to know if she was telling the truth or if Sam’s story is the real one. I am worried that Marcy will tell my family about my marital issues (she has to know, everyone else in town does). If she is a gossip, she must have sworn everyone she told to secrecy; no phone calls from family have come in yet. If she is not a gossip, this means Sam was lying to me – but I have no idea why! I have noticed that Sam likes to be the center of attention, but he usually just blows his own horn and brags; I have never heard him put someone else down or tell tales about them.

So, to recap: my marriage is secretly a mess, the cousin I scolded into humiliation is the only family member who knows this, she may be a gossip but my brother-in-law might be lying and I have no idea which is true so I have no idea who to confront, nor do I know if my private business is going to be the next topic at the family barbecue! 

Signed,

Bothered And Bewildered

Dear Bothered And Bewildered:

Wow. You are living quite a soap opera, aren't you? The worst part of all this is that you have brought it upon yourself by believing…gossip about Marcy! When Sam came to you with an unfounded – and difficult to believe – accusation that Marcy was gossiping about you he in turn was spreading a rumor about Marcy; instead of approaching Marcy and sorting out all the confusion, you acted as judge and jury and condemned her on the spot. Using Facebook as a vehicle for your anger was cruel and childish and only served to further the gap between the two of you; I am reminded of the William Blake poem “A Poison Tree”. Do the lines ring familiar to you?

The first thing you need to do is trust your instincts. You say you have never known Marcy to gossip, so ask yourself why she would start. If you can’t think of a reason, give her the benefit of the doubt and approach Sam. Ask him point blank – as you should have to begin with – exactly what Marcy said about you and your sisters. If it was so harsh that he felt the need to tell you, I doubt his memory will have completely faded by now. If he tried to “save” you from hearing the details or uses any other kind of stalling tactic, there is a good chance he is lying to you. Why he is lying is not important; maybe he just doesn’t like Marcy for whatever reason, some relationships are like that. However, you cannot allow him to destroy your relationship with Marcy over (possibly) untruthful and (in my opinion) mean-spirited statements.

The next thing to do is to go see Marcy. You know where she works, so why not ask her to join you for coffee after work? I am sure she would love to see your kids again. Tell her that you owe her an apology for taking out your temper on her in such a public way, and tell her that you should have asked her about this in private two years ago: Did she ever gossip about you and your sisters, even to other family members? You do not have to tell her it was Sam who suggested that she was a gossip because she probably already knows, judging by her reaction to you in the parking lot of her job. Whatever Marcy tells you, accept her at her word – and accept that this relationship needs repair, starting with the two of you letting go of your anger towards each other.

 Anger is a funny thing…we may think nobody knows about it but it can fester and affect the relationships we have with those around us – including a spouse. Could your husband want to spend less and less time at home because your attitude has changed over the last year and a half? Look deep for the answers; ask him to accompany you to a few counseling sessions to get to the root of your problems or even go by yourself to figure out why you were so quick to believe someone else’s gossip and so slow to let go of your anger.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Ex Gets The Inheritance - And They Weren't Even Married!

Dear Tazi:

I am so angry I could spit out my Pibb! My father died after a long illness and left his entire estate – including his rental property – to my ex-girlfriend, “Anna”, the woman he had hoped I would marry. My wife is devastated over the loss, since we planned on selling the house and using the money to pay off our own mortgage. I asked that grave-robbing piece of [feces] to do the right thing and sign the house over to me, but she refused. She told me she had no idea that my father was going to leave her anything; that she is just as shocked as everyone else but that she will honor his final wishes and accept his “generous gift”, and that she appreciates the fact that Papa sought to leave her with a secure financial future.

I spoke to my father’s estate attorney, who made it quite clear that Papa’s will was written after I broke up with Anna and that his intent was clear – he wanted her to have a home of her own and the money to keep up with the maintenance and repair (being a single woman she will have to hire someone to do a lot of these things). Papa left me with nothing but a life insurance policy that was just enough to cover his burial expenses (the homestead went to my Mama by default, since her name remained on it even after they divorced).

Anna has been busy decorating the rental property to her own tastes, hiring local contractors to do painting, carpet installation, and other chores. Many of these contractors are my friends, and they cannot speak highly enough of “Miss Anna”, telling me what a peach of a hostess she is and how she makes great pies and lemonade. They are nice enough not to say this in front of my wife, but word gets around a small town and she has heard the gossip. Would it be okay to tell my friends to shut their pie-holes and stop bragging on how great Anna is? Should I tell them some of her lesser qualities? I don’t want to come off as a jerk, but I feel like my nose is being rubbed in my losses.

Signed,
Twice Burned

Dear Twice Burned:

Your wife is "devastated" over the loss...of your father's money? I simply want to make certain that I read your letter correctly. If this is what you mean, I can see why your father preferred Anna over your wife!

Something tells me there are details being left out of your letter, specifically the details of just how you broke up with Anna; how close she remained to your family and friends; and how well you treated your father. If your father loved Anna like a daughter-in-law and you treated her unfairly, I can see why he would feel protective of her; but to the point of leaving her an inheritance?

I have never heard of a parent disinheriting a child in order to bequeath their fortune on said child’s former romantic partner; I have heard of former connections remaining close to an ex’s parents and treating those parents better than their own children treat them. Who assisted and/or cared for your father during his long illness? Were you there by his side to help him remain in his own home? Was Anna? These are all questions that could shed some light on why he left her an inheritance that was originally intended for you.

I doubt that your friends are trying to rub your nose in your losses (and I do hope you are including the loss of your father among those losses); they are probably just surprised to find that you broke up with a woman like Anna, or maybe are fishing around for the right way to ask if you are okay with one of them asking her on a date. The next time one of your buddies starts bragging on “Miss Anna”, remain calm and tell them that yes, she is a special lady; she just wasn't the one for you, and would appreciate if they kept the comments about your ex to a minimum as it is affecting your wife’s self-esteem. You should never, ever speak poorly of an ex; it only reflects back on your own character.

Perfunctory snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. Just because a woman is single does not mean she is incapable of handling household maintenance and repairs; however, it was nice of your father to consider the financial worth of these chores. –T.K.


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

For Memories To Last, Children Must Be Old Enough To Have Them

Dear Tazi:

My husband and I are having a discussion about where to go on vacation this year. I would like to take our two-year-old daughter to Disney World, since she loves Disney Princesses and many of the Disney movies. My husband says that a trip to Disney World would be wasted on her, since she would be too young to make any lasting memories of the trip; too small to go on any of what he calls "the fun rides"; and would probably get tired from all of the walking and he would end up having to push her in a stroller the entire time, which is not *his* idea of a vacation!

Tazi, I cannot believe how selfish my husband is being! A trip to Disney World is every child's dream, and I know my daughter would enjoy it, regardless of how old she is. And besides, who is to say that she will be too young to make any "lasting" memories? I am certain that this trip will be something she holds dear to her heart forever! So what if her father will have to carry her or push her in a stroller for some or most of the time? He has two strong arms! Shouldn't he want to be of service to his daughter?

My husband has put his foot down and has said no to a Disney World vacation this year, believing that we should wait until our girl is at least five before attempting such a trip. What if she is no longer interested in Disney by then? What if she has moved on to Barbie or some other childhood interest?

I have begged, pleaded, and withheld sex, but my husband is firm. He says that the money he earns is what will be paying for our vacation, and if I want to go to Disney World this year I can get a job and pay for it myself. I told him I would go work a stripper pole to earn the money, and things went downhill from there. Tazi, I wouldn't really go to work as an exotic dancer, but the point is the same: I want what I want! Is this somehow unreasonable?

Signed,
Disney Lover

Dear Disney Lover:

Yes, I believe that you are being unreasonable. As for who is to say that a two year old cannot create "lasting" memories I believe that would be the doctors who study this kind of stuff. Research shows that by the age of 10, most children cannot remember anything that occurred before the age of three. Couple this with the fact that your daughter would be too young to enjoy many of the delights that Disney World has to offer and the fact that this vacation would in no way be relaxing for your husband you may want to reconsider your plans for Disney World.

The nice thing about Disney is that people never outgrow it. Young or old, I cannot think of a single person who would not enjoy a trip to Disney World! Why do you think the Travel Channel rated it one of its Top Ten Honeymoon Destinations? Just as I doubt your daughter will outgrow Disney within the next few years, I am doubting the reasoning behind your argument. Are you sure this desire to go to Disney World is about your daughter? Or is it more about fulfilling your desire to go to Disney World?

As a stay-at-home Mom, I am sure that you  have your own issues to deal with, including the question of whether or not your ideas and opinions are valid. Many SAH Mom's start to feel like they have no say in financial decisions because they do not bring home a paycheck. Your husband's response that the money "he" earns is what is paying for the trip was just plain awful. If he seeks to give you so little control over the finances and then lord it over you that he is the breadwinner in the family I can see why you are so stuck on getting your own way.

Your threat to make a living pole dancing would be enough to upset any husband who still has a pulse, and probably many without one, too. I realize it was made in the heat of the moment, but your comment went too far, as did your husband's. It is time for the two of you to apologize to each other for your hurtful comments, if you have not already.

If you are comfortable with the idea of a grandparent or other close family member watching your daughter for a few days, why not take a trip to Disney World as a couple now, and in a few years as a family? This option is more expensive, but would offer your husband and you a chance to reconnect as a couple, like you did before you had children. From the tone of your argument, there is a lot of resentment building between the two of you that is unrelated to your vacation planning, but is coming out as you try to plan what is supposed to be a happy, carefree time. A few sessions with a marital counselor, clergy, or other trained professional may be beneficial to your marriage - and anything that benefits your marriage will be what is most beneficial to your little girl.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Quality Time With Family Should Not Involve The Television

Dear Tazi:

I am a teenage girl with two brothers. My parents and my brothers all like the same types of TV shows, while I prefer something different. Every night the rest of my family wants to watch one TV show, and I would rather not watch at all than watch something that does not interest me. Because of this, I politely get up and go to my bedroom to watch TV in my room or study or something else that I find interesting. Sometimes, I just go to bed early.

My mother has been getting on my back about not staying in the living room "to spend quality time with the family". I have explained to her that I do not enjoy the same TV shows everyone else wants to watch, but my mother took it the wrong way and told me that the majority rules and that everyone else isn't going to be put out so I can watch my TV shows. It is not like I am trying to force everyone to conform to my TV tastes, Tazi! I told my Mom that I do not expect everyone else to watch my shows, but that I should not be forced to watch theirs.

My mother has threatened to take the TV out of my room if I refuse to sit and watch TV with the family for at least an hour each night. I don't think this is very fair. I just don't get the enjoyment they do from watching their shows, so why should I be forced to watch them?

Signed,
Not A Fan Of Reality TV

Dear Not A Fan Of Reality TV:

At the risk of angering your mother, I am going to rule with you - to an extent. I do not consider watching TV as a family "spending quality time" together. Quality time involves interaction with each other, something watching TV does not allow - especially if you are bored to tears with what is actually on, and wishing you could be watching something else. My larger concern is that you are still a student and your time would be better spent on your studies than on watching television.

Since your mother would like you to spend at least one hour with the family each evening, I suggest a compromise: for that one hour, you get to choose the television programming. If nobody is on board with this idea (and I doubt they will be) I have an even better suggestion: turn of the TV and spend real quality time together as a family at least twice a week. Card games, board games, Yahtzee, and other games that involve face-to-face interaction. DVR the television shows to watch at a later time. On the evenings when the family is watching TV, you should be allowed to excuse yourself to do homework or study. TV programs can be recorded or watched On Demand at a later time.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Bigotry Does Not Belong Inside A Church

Dear Tazi:

I will be getting married this summer and it will be a church wedding. My problem is that my future brother-in-law is gay and he is refusing to attend the ceremony if he cannot bring his life partner with him. While I understand his position I am in no position to try and accommodate him. I have no problem with him attending the ceremony or the reception with his partner, but his parents have never fully accepted his sexuality and are making a huge deal over it, saying a gay couple “should have enough humility before the Lord not to flaunt their sins in His house”. Wow, yeah, I know, right?

It is not as though “Chip” and “Dale” are a couple of drag queens, nor do they “flaunt” their sexuality. In fact, if you did not know they were gay you would think that they are just good friends, like any two other guys. My fiancé would like to ditch the idea of a church wedding and hold the ceremony in the same hall as our reception. I was raised and baptized in our shared faith, and I would like for us to get married proper – in a church; one that reflects and practices our church traditions. Besides, the church is already booked and has been for several months now.

My fiancé says I am being unreasonable and that an unwillingness to compromise on such an important point is no way to start married life. I believe that important points should not be open to compromise; that agreement should be reached before a decision is implemented. My future brother-in-law is being extremely understanding and has told me that he understands my position and principles, and he would never ask me to compromise my principles in order to accommodate his. Unfortunately, by not being at the ceremony he will be unable to stand up for his brother. I forgot to mention that – Chip and Dale would not even be sitting together at the ceremony because Chip would be in the wedding party while Dale sits in t he congregation.

My wedding day is supposed to be the happiest day of my life and yet all I am feeling is stress. Who among us is being the unreasonable one? Is it me?

Signed,
Bride To Be In Bensenville

Dear Bride To Be In Besenville:

A woman’s wedding day is supposed to be the happiest day of her life so far; if it was the happiest day of her life (period) she would not have much to look forward to from that day on, now would she? Also, as you are discovering, celebrations that require any kind of planning can be very stressful. If you expected your wedding planning to be completed without a hitch I am wondering just what you expect for married life!

Who is being unreasonable? Let’s look at all sides of the equation:

There are your parents-in-law, who do not wish to allow a gay couple into their church because they consider their son’s sexuality to be sinful. They think the mere presence of his partner will be disrespectful to the Lord. Personally, I find this view unreasonable. Did not Christ surround Himself with those whom society rejected? Did He not accept water from the Samaritan woman at the well (John 4)? While I find your in-laws intolerance to be a reflection on them, I think they are reacting more out of fear of being disrespected by others for showing acceptance to those that their community rejects. They need to ask themselves WWJD (What Would Jesus Do)? How would you act in a situation where you were afraid of being harshly judged? I do not know what denomination you are, but to quote Pop Francis, "If someone is gay, who searches for the Lord and has goodwill, who am I to judge?" So I ask, who are your in-laws to judge? I, for one, can only pity their shortsightedness.

Next let’s look at Chip’s position, as it is a difficult one: he does not wish to enter a building where he and his partner are not welcome as a couple, yet he and his partner will not be attending the wedding itself as a couple; Chip will be on the alter with the rest of the wedding party and Dale will be seated in the congregation. More importantly, it is not the church leaders who are refusing him admission to the ceremony, but his parents. Is Chip’s refusal to attend the wedding ceremony – and therefore his refusal to stand up for his brother – an issue of principle or an issue with his parents? If the church leaders have expressed a refusal to allow Chip to attend the ceremony, then please – for the love of all that is holy – find another church! This is one way in which you could accommodate Chip, in spite of your protests that you are "in no position" to do so. There are many churches that are accepting of people regardless of their “sins”, be they homosexual or heterosexual in form, if you catch my meaning. (If you don't, try and remember your church's teachings on premarital sexual relations!).

Last but most importantly you need to look at how you and your fiancé are handling this matter: he believes in compromise, you believe in a united front. I believe that without the desire or ability to compromise your marriage is completely doomed to failure. The issue of a church wedding versus a reception hall wedding is an area where compromise will be essential. If getting married in the church is important to you, would you consider a Unitarian church? They are welcoming to all who believe and, unlike a reception hall, offer hallowed places for your ceremony.

In the end, I think that everyone involved is being unreasonable in one way or the other. We are all God’s children, and all are welcome in His house. Those who refuse to extend that welcome are the greatest sinners of all.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Emotional Blackmail Is Still Blackmail

Dear Tazi:

My maiden aunt passed away last year. She was a spinster, as she liked to call herself, with no children of her own, and only my brother and I for nephews and nieces. We were both very close to “Aunt Carol” until about 15 years ago, when my brother realized she wasn’t going to pass anytime soon and stopped coming around to help out with the yard work and other house chores that needed to be done. Not wanting to leave these jobs to an elderly lady, I sent my then teenaged son over to mow her lawn, rake the yard, weed the garden, change the oil in her car, and other jobs that helped shape him into the fine young man he has become (if I do say so myself!).

I share all this so you will understand what comes next: Aunt Carol left her entire estate to me – her house, her investments, the rental properties left to her by my grandparents (her parents) after they passed. I was quite surprised at the inheritance that I received; I thought that she would leave everything to her church. I never did what I did for her out of expectation for repayment; I did it all because she was my aunt and I loved her.

My brother is very upset that he received nothing from Aunt Carol’s estate, and feels that all of his years of yard-work should have been rewarded. After her death, he contacted a lawyer and tried to contest the will, but Aunt Carol’s will was airtight and he had no standing. Since he has now struck out twice in his attempts to bilk Aunt Carol’s estate he is now trying a third pitch – emotional blackmail.

My brother has threatened to stop speaking to me if I do not share Aunt Carol’s estate with him. Tazi, my brother has always been the type to attempt get-rich-quick schemes (from car accidents to slip and fall injuries) so I am hesitant to share Aunt Carol’s estate with him. On the other hand, I am afraid if I don’t I will never see him again, and he is my brother after all. Then again, I am afraid if I give into his demands he will go through the money and then demand more, issuing the same threat of never speaking to me again. What to do?

Signed,
Stymied

Dear Stymied:

The problem with blackmail – emotional or otherwise – is that once the perpetrator realizes their methods are working the demands get larger and larger. You are correct in thinking that giving into your brother will only result in future demands. I realize that he is family – and close family at that – but that does not change the fact that your brother’s get-rich-quick tactics are incomprehensibly void of any morals. To offer to assist an elderly woman with her yard-work in an attempt to secure an inheritance is soulless.

Since I have a feeling that you are going to give into your brother’s demands regardless of what I think or say, I will advise you to compromise. Set aside an amount of money, property, or what have you that you are comfortable with giving to your brother and put it in a trust for him. You can establish the guidelines of the trust to ensure that he will not run through it and need more money. Whether you want the trust to mature upon a significant birthday (say 62 or 65 or some other retirement age) or to allow for a monthly stipend is up to you. An Accountant and/or Tax Attorney will be able to assist you with the specifics of such a trust; just make sure that the tax liability is your brother’s to pay, not yours. Just remember the old adage that no good deed goes unpunished, so do not be surprised if your brother decides to take the money and run in an attempt to punish you for not following his demands to the letter. Enter this matter with your eyes wide open: there is a good chance that you will not be seeing your brother until he needs money.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Sensible Or Scrooge? Sibling Refuses To Assist With Emergency Financial Help

Dear Tazi:

I have always lived my life debt free. I started working at age 16; rode a bus until I had saved enough money to buy my own car and pay for the insurance; attended a community college before transferring to a state university; and financed my education through a payment plan, not student loans. My current goal is to purchase my own home for cash, so I do not have to pay a mortgage. I live at home with my parents, who refuse to accept any money for room or board.

I have a pretty good job, and I manage to bank more than half of my take-home pay every week. By living frugally, I have managed to save over $100,000 in the past ten years. My problem is my sister. "Sue" is my polar opposite when it comes to money. She has very little savings because she took out thousands of dollars in student loans to attend her first choice school, and she now struggles as she follows her dream to make it as an actress. Admittedly she is very talented, but so are a lot of struggling actors and actresses; talent does not guarantee success. Although she has done well enough for herself, she is no where near being a big name star.

Our parents help Sue out whenever she asks for money, which is rare, but I have always been unable to shake the feeling that the big request for cash is the elephant in the room. Last month, the elephant trumpeted. Sue was in a terrible car accident. The driver who hit her car was uninsured so they are unable to pay for the damages, which are severe. Sue was in the hospital for a week, and her health insurance isn't the greatest so she has a 20% co-pay, which is thousands of dollars. Sue is going to be out of work for several months, and does not have any kind of disability insurance. Her car was only insured for the minimum her state requires, so her policy doesn't even pay enough to cover what she owes on her car, which was totaled and had more owing on it than it was worth in the first place. In summary, Sue is now over  $50,000 in debt with no way to pay and is looking at a long stretch of disability. Without some kind of assistance, she is looking at declaring bankruptcy.

My parents have nowhere near that kind of money to pay Sue's debts...but I do, and they have asked me to pitch in and assist her. I refused, reminding my parents of my dream to own my own home free and clear. My parents reminded me that I have taken advantage of their assistance to follow my dream, living with them rent free my whole life. I don't think it is fair for them to hold that fact over me, since they insisted I put the "rent" money towards my goal.

My parents own their own home, and are both retired. They have offered to deed me a portion of the house equal to what I would be willing to give to assist my sister, but this is money I will not see until after they have passed - unless I want to force them to take out a home equity loan to buy me out, and I am not that big of an [anal opening]. Am I being selfish, as everyone claims I am? Or are my sister's financial issues the result of her own poor choices?

Signed,
Secure and Happy...For Now

Dear Secure and Happy...For Now:

Are you certain that you are not that big of an [anal opening]? Did you get tested? It seems to me that you sold your humanity and your soul in exchange for a few extra dollars in your savings account. Throughout your entire letter, all you do is praise your own choices and criticize your sisters. I had to do some heavy editing out of these criticisms just to keep your letter on topic.

While I commend you on your sound financial choices and your ability to save, not everybody chose the path you did. Your sister chose to take risks, to strike out on her own; she may not have yet hit a home run, but she was safely running the bases when fate threw her a cruel curve-ball. Your judgmental attitude is doing nothing to alleviate her pain or your parents concern.

While I am not going to advise you to assist your sister - the choice to help or not to help must be yours alone - I will suggest that you look at the bigger picture. You say that your parents have offered to deed you a portion of the house equal to what you would be willing to give to help your sister. This may not be a bad idea. You claim that you pay cash for everything, so I am guessing that you do not have/use credit, which means you have no credit history and your only asset is your large bank account. This could come back to bite you in the rear when the day comes that you need some kind of credit history. Credit is not only used to grant loans; it is also used to gauge the quality of a person's reputation (fairly or unfairly). Many auto insurance companies use credit in deciding premiums; many employers run a credit check as part of the interview process; and even the telephone company requires a credit history before granting a contract for a mobile phone account.

Another point to consider is the fact that the housing market is starting to bounce back after bottoming out. A percentage share of a house (rather than a flat dollar amount) will continue to grow over the next few years; a $25,000 investment could increase to $40,000 in only a few years; a $50,000 investment now could easily increase to $75,000 or more by the time you are ready to reclaim your investment and purchase a home of your own. What other investment do you know of that will pay a 33% dividend over such a short period of time? These are details that you could work out with your parents before giving a firm yes or no answer to their request. Furthermore, if your goal is to pay cash for a home, depending on where you live you may have to save for several more years, during which time interest rates on investment savings remain low. Again, I am not telling you that you must assist your sister; I am simply telling you to consider all of the angles before shutting the door on your parents request.

Regardless of your desire, a refusal to assist your sister may result in your parents requesting that you start paying rent or even the demand that you find a place of your own now, rather than when you have enough saved to pay cash. After all, you are now in your thirties; have a sizable nest egg; and still live with them rent-free. Just one more angle to consider. I strongly suggest you talk to a financial planner or attorney who specializes in real estate law.

Perfunctory Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

A Tangled Web Is Woven When One Family Member Blackmails Another

Dear Tazi:

I own a lucrative rental property in a popular skiing town. I have owned it for many, many years and it has been in the family since before the town became fashionable (I inherited it from my Mom, who inherited it from her father). I have kept the place in good repair and kept up on the ever increasing taxes, using the rental income to reinvest in the property through home improvements and additions over the years. I hope to someday leave this income property to my only child, and I wish to leave it to her in the condition I have kept it.

My friends all understand that my property is a rental, and not something that I give away for free; my family is another story. I do not ski, so my cousins who do ski think that I should allow them the use of the property free of charge – because “after all, it is a family property”. They have absolutely no connection to the property! My grandfather, the original owner, was their uncle who turned down the opportunity to share ownership – and expenses – of the property when Grandpa first bought it. I have explained to them I several different ways that the property is not a “family property” nor is it free to use.

This week I received a “Save the Date” card from the daughter of one of my skiing cousins, informing me (as well as everyone else these cards were sent to) that she will be getting married on New Year’s Eve. I developed a sense of unease when I saw that she included the location as the ski town where my rental property is, and completely flipped my lid when I saw the accompanying note telling me she would appreciate if I gave her the use of the chalet and property for the entire week between Christmas and New Year’s – free of charge – as a wedding gift, because her plan is to have the wedding in the same town. Tazi, even if the place was not already booked for that week, I would not give it to this woman as a wedding gift! It costs $2,000 to rent for that one week and quite frankly I am not particularly close to this woman’s mother.

I immediately dashed off an email telling my cousin’s daughter that she would have to make other plans for her wedding venue because my property is booked. She wrote back a tirade of how terrible I have been to her family over the years, refusing them the use of my property. She also sent me a copy of my property listing on a review site, trashing me as a landlord and my property as an “overpriced dump”, adding that the 5-star reviews the place received were either old or fakes. I am positively livid, as the start of ski season is upon us and I still have available bookings to fill.

I would rather prevent any financial loss from occurring than sue for damages, but my cousin’s daughter outright refuses to remove the false and slanderous review unless I give in to her wishes. I will not be blackmailed, Tazi, but what else can I do? Is there any way to prove to the world her review is a fake?

Signed,
Worried Out West

Dear Worried Out West:

Your cousins sound like a treasure; I would love to bury them in my litter-box.


My junk is valuable!
To answer your question, yes; there is a way to prove to the world that her review is a fake. You should contact the Customer Service Department of the review website and explain that the review is a fake and an attempt to blackmail you into offering someone a free week at your chalet. Once you have a contact name, send them the emails as supporting documentation. The review will be removed, although the damage it has already done cannot be undone.

Your next step should be to contact your local authorities and report this attempt to defraud you and your property. Blackmail is a crime, and your cousin’s daughter has provided more than enough evidence in her emails to you to make the charges stick, should you decide to file any. You may want to try and reach a civil agreement first, wherein your cousin’s daughter will be responsible for any financial damages you incur from her preposterous stunt. I realize this woman is young, and she sounds like a spoiled brat, so the threat of a criminal record could be all the lesson she needs to improve her attitude.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Religious Misunderstandings Lead To A Host Of Problems In This Relationship

Dear Tazi:

I will be graduating college in a few months, and my boyfriend of six months suggests that we get married.  I love him very much, and think I would like to marry him.  There is just one problem: He is Muslim and I am Catholic.  I did not think our difference in religion would be difficult to overcome.  I am a strict Catholic - no sex, no drugs, no rock and roll - and he is a strict Muslim.  While discussing marriage, I have discovered just how strict.

"Mohammad" would like me to convert to Islam before we marry, and expects me to follow all of the laws of Islam, including wearing a hijab [Islamic face veil], staying at home instead of working, and being obedient to his word.  I was quite taken aback by these requests and asked Mohammad how he would feel if I asked the same of him.  He replied that such a request is both culturally and religiously out of the question that "your Bible states that women should obey their husbands; your culture requires you to take your husband's last name, making you his subservient".  Tazi, I never thought about things this way!

I am now very confused about everything I have always believed!  Yes, the Bible says to obey my husband; but that is Old Testament stuff, written back when women were considered property.  Is there a more modern translation?  And as for changing my last name, that is tradition!  It does not mean I am subservient to my husband, does it?

I am 22 years old, and am no longer sure of my place in the world.  I love my boyfriend, but am no longer sure of how much.  I don't want to abandon my religion, but looking at what the Bible says, I feel like it does not respect me as a woman.  Do you have any answers for me, Tazi?

Signed,
Devoted, But No Longer Hopelessly

Dear Devoted But No Longer Hopelessly:

It is not a good idea to take anything religious or cultural at face value.  That is how you end up feeling confused and dispirited as you are now.  Mohammed is correct that the Bible tells women to "submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord" (Ephesians 5:22), but it also says - a few verses later - "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it" (Ephesians 5:25).  

What does this all mean?  Back when these verses were written, women were property of their husbands, and punishments for being disobedient were quite primitive.  The Biblical demand of wifely obedience was promoting a woman's best interests.  The sticking point is the second verse, ordering husbands to love their wives - to the point of ultimate respect, even to the point where they would give their lives for them.  This verse suggests that a husband should always put his wife's care above his own, and put her best interests above his own desires.  (For example, if the wife is not feeling well the husband is Biblically commanded not to demand sex with her).  Could you "obey" a man who would treat you in this manner?  Can Mohammad be this type of man?  Rather than question your religious beliefs, question your boyfriend.

As for the cultural practice of taking your husband's last name upon marriage, this did originate as a sign of ownership - but then so did the engagement/wedding ring, the printing of a bride's photo in the paper (announcing that she is off the market) and other traditions Americans consider sacred.  The continued practice of these cherished traditions does not mean that the original meaning still applies.

I, personally, find the Spanish tradition of a bride keeping her maiden name and adding "de + her husband's name" quite charming - the literal meaning being she is now of her husband's family, while still retaining her identity.  Here in America, women will follow this tradition by hyphenating their last name with their maiden name, and many families make allowances for differences in religion.  I have family members who are of mixed beliefs, and the traditions of both religions are honored (if not practiced) in their homes.  All of these points are things you can discuss with Mohammed as you try to figure out if you still have a future together.

For further counsel, I suggest you talk over your issues with a clergy member - a priest or a religious brother/sister - or a layperson who works as a spiritual adviser.  Most college campuses have some form of campus ministry, and its members are trained to work with young people.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Brother's Gift Selection Appears To Have A Hidden Message

Dear Tazi-Kat:

My birthday falls the day after Christmas, so I am one of those people who get all of their gifts at once. Growing up, my older brother was always jealous that I got more gifts than he did at this time of year, forgetting that he got a pile of birthday gifts every summer while I went without. I think this is why he buys me the worst gifts every Christmas! I don’t mean gifts that lack thought; but gifts that truly make me wonder if he hates me – things like gas station coffee mugs, Girls Gone Wild DVD’s, and other items of questionable taste.

Last year, after giving me a particularly offensive gift (a subscription to a political magazine that goes against my every belief), I politely and privately told him to please return the purchase and keep the money; that I would rather he save his cash than spend it on something I could not use or would not enjoy. I thought he was okay with things until this Thanksgiving. We were all gathered around the table as a family when he announced that he would not be buying me a gift this year since I was "such a spoiled ingrate" who is "unable to appreciate the spirit in which a gift is given". This led to my mother leaping to my defense (she, too, found his gift to me to be in poor taste), and a huge argument between the two of them ensued, with my brother accusing both of my parents of favoring me over him.

It has been over a week, and my brother has not called, emailed, or communicated in any way with my parents or me. He is not returning phone calls or emails, either. My mother wants to apologize for hurting his feelings; my father feels that my brother is the one who should be apologizing; and I am feeling stuck in the middle of all this. I don't even feel like celebrating Christmas or my birthday this year because of all the hurt feelings everyone is experiencing, but I will be turning 30 this year and a big family party has been planned in my honor, with family coming in from out-of-state to celebrate with us. Do you have any suggestions on how to get things back on track with my family, Tazi-Kat?

Signed,
"Little" Brother With A Big Problem

Dear Little Brother:

It sounds to me as if your older brother is carrying around several years’ worth of aggression towards you. As the older of the two, it seems that he feels the need to offer you guidance and direction onto what he feels is the correct path in life - thus the gift of political materials (although I am not sure what message he was trying to send with the Girls Gone Wild DVD). In his eyes, your rejection of his gift was also a rejection of his personal beliefs; which stings coming from anybody, but especially from a younger sibling. Combine this sense of rejection with a lifetime of feeling short-changed around the holidays, and your brother's sad attempt to embarrass you at the Thanksgiving dinner table makes much more sense.

If you want to heal this rift between your brother and your family, you will have to take a more direct approach, since indirect messages are not getting a response. I suggest that you request a face-to-face meeting with him in order to air the issues that are obviously upsetting him. Once accepted, explain to him that you did not mean to come off as unappreciative of his gift; but that you truly found it to be in poor taste, and thought it to be more of a personal jab than a sincere gift of the season. Let the conversation, however difficult, flow from there. If your brother is unable to see things from any point of view other than his own; then know that you at least tried to mend the rift between the two of you. It is not fair of him to expect you to deny your beliefs in order to satisfy his ego.

As for the rift between your brother and your parents, that is for them to resolve. You cannot be responsible for the dynamic between them, which appears to be very complicated. Although it is my hope that your brother will show up to Christmas dinner and/or your birthday party (if only for the sake of keeping up appearances), if he chooses to exclude himself from this year's celebrations, this is his choice to make. You - or your parents - do not need to make excuses for him. If the rest of your family asks about him, simply smile and tell them that you will let him know that they were asking about him, then change the subject to a blatantly neutral topic of conversation, like the weather. People will get the hint that your brother's absence is a sore subject, and will hopefully let it drop.

Family is so very important in life. They are all we truly have when all else is gone; so I urge you not to give up on your brother – even if it means giving him some space through the holiday season and trying again in the New Year. Family counseling with a licensed social worker might be just the thing to help, since it is obvious that your brother is desperate to be heard.

-- Tazi-Kat

Younger Brother Wants Older Brother To Man Up, Mom Is An Enabler

Dear Tazi:

A little background before I tell you my problem: I was 18 when my father committed suicide.  Because he took his own life, his life insurance did not pay out and Mom would have been left destitute if I did not man up and help her.  I took my college savings - money I earned by working summers with my father since I was 10 - and used it as a down payment to buy 50% of Mom's house.  I went to the community college while working full-time to pay the mortgage. It took me several years to do it, but I have graduated a four year school and have paid off the mortgage.  I am now officially 50% owner of our house.

My problem is my older brother, "Larry".  He was 20 when Dad died and [upset] that he could no longer attend the pricey, private college that was bankrupting my parents.  He took out a bunch of student loans, partied for a few more years until his financial aid ran out, and has barely kept his head above water since.  Larry has a small apartment on the ghetto side of town, so when he entertains he prefers to bring his guests to my house.

My mother is always happy to see Larry, and since he hardly ever visits her she will take him any way she can get him, going so far as to allow him to spend the night with his female guests.  (Sorry, Tazi, I cannot call them "lady friends" as they are not ladies!).  I realize my mother has the same right to guests as I do, but a recent event has me putting my foot down.

Larry decided he wanted to throw an NFL Weekend party.  Since his apartment is small, he asked Mom if he could use our basement.  She of course said yes; I knew nothing about it until the day of the party - which lasted two and a half days!  Larry's party started on Sunday morning with the pre-game shows and went straight through Monday Night Football.  The party finally ended at 1 AM Tuesday when I kicked everyone out of the house.  Larry was upset, Mom was relieved - but still insists that Larry should be able to have parties at our house, just not on as grand a scale.

What is upsetting me the most, Tazi, is that Larry left the house an absolute pit!  What's more, he asked Mom and me if we could clean up the mess for him, since he was exhausted from entertaining his guests for two days!  Before you ask, Tazi, I would have thrown him out on his ear a lot sooner if Mom hadn't argued to let him stay, that he hasn't spent this much time "at home" since he was a kid.

Tazi, how can I get my Mom to see that Larry is using her?  I would like to exercise my rights as a homeowner, as well, but every time I try Mom gets all emotional.  I have already offered to buy her out of the house, but she refuses.  I think she knows my first rule will be no more overnights with Larry.  So, Tazi...what do you think?  Is your hair standing on end?

Signed,
Man of the House

Dear Man of the House:

My whiskers are standing on end, too!

To give your cat a full, fluffy coat, try scaring the $%#^ out of it!

I applaud your courage and your willingness to take the risks you did when you were younger, putting your own future on hold to see that your mother could have a secure one.  Just when it seems like men like you no longer exist, a letter like yours shows up in my mailbox!  (Whew!  That was more "likes" than a teenage girl can use in one sentence!).  You have learned many hard lessons in life, and it is time for you to learn one more: you cannot control how other people act, only how you react to their behavior.

It is obvious that you are the more mature of your mother's two sons; it is also obvious that your brother is holding her as an emotional hostage, ignoring her until he needs a place to party and entertain.  It is sad, really, and what is sadder is that your mother appears to realize what he is doing but feels trapped by his behavior.  On the other hand, it appears that your mother fears similar abuse from you should she sell you her half of the house.  You have made your dislike of Larry's visits well known; does your mother fear he will be unwelcome in the house if you were to own it outright?

You and your mother need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk with each other.  You have taken on much responsibility from a young age (including starting work and a college savings account at the age of 10) so it is time to sit back and see where all this responsibility has gotten you in life - and to see who you have become because of it.  Are you rigid and unbending when it comes to how you run your house?  Does your mother feel like you are trying to run her life, too, or does she feel independent of you?  Do you feel like your mother still acts like the house is 100% hers so her rules are the only ones that matter?  A family counselor or clergy member would make a helpful mediator, and I hope you will consider contacting one.

Your brother Larry is obviously a manipulative person, but he is still your brother and your mother's son.  I do not suggest you push him out of your lives, but limit the length of his visits to daylight hours - unless he is alone, then you can decide if you would like to extend the invitation to stay overnight.  If he in turn refuses to visit, is it possible for you and your mother to go visit him?  Roads run both ways; it could be that Larry feels left out of the relationship that you and your Mom have with each other.  Make an effort to reach out to him and see if your mother becomes less of an emotional hostage to him.

One last thought: Larry's two-and-a-half day NFL basement bash should have never happened the way it did.  The next time he seeks to throw a party at your house, draw up a written contract that details how many people will be there, how long the party will last, the condition the basement is to be left in prior to Larry's leaving at the end of the party, and any other conditions you wish to enforce.  You, your Mom, and Larry must all sign it.  Should the rules of this contract be broken, you will have every right to demand that Larry's guests leave your house - by police escort, if necessary.

I wish you luck!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

King Of The Castle Needs To Learn To Appreciate His Queen

Dear Tazi:

I read your letter about housework and unmade beds on Twitter and I knew that I had to write to you!

I am a stay-at-home-mom of three wonderful, active teen and pre-teen boys. This description alone should tell you what my house looks like most days, which is why I work very hard to keep up with all of the housework! I sweep and mop the tile floors daily, and vacuum every other day. The bathroom gets disinfected every day and gets a thorough scrubbing twice a week. I do at least one load of laundry a day, and iron for at least half an hour each day just to keep up with everything. This is on top of meal planning/cooking, grocery shopping, bill paying, and taxiing my sons to their various sports practices and games. Yes, my life is hectic but I would not trade it for anything. The one change I would make is in my husband's attitude.

"Frank" works in construction, and comes home every day dirty from head to toe. He works hard, so it is expected that he will sweat; which in turn makes the dirt, dust, and other debris of his job stick to his skin and clothing. The soles of his work-boots are equally filthy. When he comes home, he refuses to take off his dirty clothes and shoes in the mudroom (and putting on one of the bathrobes provided) before entering the house, claiming that it is his "hard work that pays for this house" and that he "should be allowed to enter it as a King enters his castle". He usually goes on to say that he doesn't know what I do all day that I can't find the time to clean up "a little dirt" that might get tracked in when he enters.

Tazi, he tracks in more than just "a little dirt". After he arrives home, there is a trail of it from the mudroom to the bedroom and then on to the bathroom where he showers. The house - that I spent a good part of the day keeping clean - looks like the Peanuts character PigPen just walked through it! All three of my sons know to take off their dirty shoes before walking in the house; and if their uniforms are muddy they take those off, too, and don a robe before entering. I did not have to do anything special to train them; they just realize that it is an exercise in common sense - and common courtesy - to take these few extra steps to respect all of my hard work. Do you have any ideas on how to get my husband to start towing this line?

Signed,
Not A Scullery Maid

Dear Not A Scullery Maid:

Tell your husband that if he wishes to be treated like the "King" of the castle than he must learn to start respecting you as its Queen! Rather than lock him out of the house until he learns to follow the simple rule of leaving the dirt in the mudroom (which you could try, if all else fails), there is one thing that you could do: take a one week vacation from housework.

As difficult as this may be for you to do, a one week vacation from the cleaning, the laundry, the ironing, etc. will show your husband just what you do all day that he can't seem to notice. Tell your husband that while this is happening, you will be treating your self to the things you enjoy, but never have the time to do - like read a book, take a spa day, lunch with friends, visit your mother, or just take a nap in the middle of the day. Since you cannot completely abandon your family (your boys still need you), keep active with them by teaching them how to do a few simple chores, such as laundry and ironing and simple meal planning (trust me, their future wives will thank you!).

After a few days of this, your husband should start to notice that the cleanliness of the house (and his clothes) is deteriorating rather quickly. If he comments on this, remind him that you are on vacation but that you appreciate the fact that he is finally noticing what you do all day! If you would like, you can offer to end your vacation early if he promises to start using the mudroom for its designed purpose. Hopefully, this experiment will lead to a meaningful conversation between the two of you about appreciating the work that each of you do to keep your loving home running smoothly.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

It Is Not Dinner Host's Place To Teach Children Manners

Dear Tazi:

My brother and his wife have three beautiful children, all who lack basic manners.  I realize it is not their fault that they do not comport themselves like civilized human beings, but my sister-in-law’s fault for not teaching them basic manners.  With Thanksgiving coming up, I am concerned about how the children will behave during our family’s formal dinner.  

I realize it is in poor taste to discipline another woman’s children, but I do not think I will be able to sit idly by and watch my nephew and nieces act like animals during what is supposed to be a classy celebration.  Furthermore, I do not wish for my children to think that such primal behavior can go without reprimand. 

Since I will be hosting Thanksgiving this year, I believe it would be appropriate for me to correct the unacceptable manners of my nephew and niece, should they display them.  My husband, however, has told me that a gracious host does not publicly humiliate their guests.  My intent will not be to publicly humiliate these children, but rather to save them from public humiliations down the road by teaching them proper manners now.  I believe that guests should follow the standard set by their host, and that I would simply be educating these children to behave as expected.  What do you say, Tazi?  Who is right, my husband or me?

Signed,

Gracious Host

Dear Gracious Host:

I have one question for you, regarding something that is bothering me: does your brother have a role in raising his children?  Or does his wife do 100% of the child rearing?  I ask because you assign all blame to your sister-in-law for your nephew and nieces’ lack of decorum.  I believe you when you say that your intent is not to publicly humiliate the children, because I am getting the impression that your intent is to publicly humiliate your sister-in-law.  

I am going to have to side with your husband on this issue – to an extent.  He is correct that a gracious host does not publicly humiliate their guests; however, a gracious host also does all that they can to ensure the comfort of all of their guests.  If your nephew and nieces are as vagabond as you claim their lack of manners will certainly affect the comfort of your other guests.  Since Thanksgiving is still a few weeks away, I suggest that you contact your brother and discuss the issue of table manners with him – not your sister-in-law.  Explain to him that Thanksgiving will be a formal affair, and that you want to give him a head’s up so he and his wife can explain to the children what is expected of them, as well as how to handle the formalities of which fork to use.  Tell him that you will be having the same conversation with your own children (and then have that conversation) so he does not feel that his children are being singled out among many.  

You do not say how old your nephew and nieces are, but if they are old enough to sit with the adults than they are old enough to learn proper and formal table manners.  If your brother feels that formal table manners are a little too much for his children to handle, with consideration to their age, you should act the part of the gracious host and provide a children’s table – at which your own children should sit, as well.  If their manners are as good as you imply your nephew and niece will pick up their cues from your children.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Mom's Dating The Former Quarterback; Daughter Does Not Know What To Do!

Dear Tazi:

My life is over! I am twenty years old, and my parents have decided to get divorced. I can handle this, because they have been living separate lives for years and the stress of seeing them stay together for my sake has been overwhelming (they were still teenagers when they got married because Mom got pregnant with me). No, it is not the divorce that bothers me; it is the reason for the divorce. My mother has met someone and wants to "move the relationship forward". The problem is that the person she has met is the former quarterback of my high school football team. "Hunter" is only four years older than me!

I have been cheer-leading since I was old enough to walk, and participating on competitive teams since I was five; so I naturally tried out for my high school squad as soon as I was eligible, my freshman year. My mother came to all of the football games, even when it was so cold you tossed your dignity and wore a Snuggie, like those tools in the commercials! I thought she was there to watch me cheer; but now I realize she was there to watch Hunter in tight pants! The most humiliating part of all this? My old high school mascot was the Cougars!

Thankfully, I have been away at college while Mom and Hunter have been publicly prancing around together; so I have not had to put up with the stares and rude comments that are sure to come when I return home for Winter Break next month. Do you have any advice on how to handle this whole situation? I am praying to God that they break up; but I don't think that is going to happen - Mom and Hunter are talking about moving in together. Help!

Signed,
Somewhere In Middle America

Dear Somewhere In Middle America:

Your situation certainly is a delicate one; however you must remember that your parents marriage - and the state of it - is nobody's business but their own. You mention that your Mom was still a teenager when she had you, which would put her in her mid-to-late thirties now; making the age difference between she and Hunter a little more acceptable to most people; but still upsetting to some.

At 24, Hunter is no longer a kid and is probably looking to settle down and get married; maybe even start a family. Your mother is still young enough to have children, and if this is the path she and Hunter decide to follow, your inability to accept their relationship will make the situation all the more difficult.

My advice to you is to have a frank talk with you mother about how you feel. Tell her why her relationship with Hunter upsets you so much, refraining from using phrases like "it's icky". Put your thoughts into a mature and reasoned argument, and then listen to your mother's response. If she is acting like a school-girl with a crush, I would not worry about a future between she and Hunter; these things tend to die a natural death. If, however, she is truly in love with Hunter and he with her you will have to work on accepting the relationship if you wish to have a continued relationship with your mother.

As for dealing with the rude stares and comments, I suggest you do so with grace. If someone calls your Mom a "Cougar", you might want to remind them that she is too young for that title; "Puma" is the correct term (trust me on this one; I'm a cat!). Once people see that they cannot rattle you, all but the most boneheaded will leave you alone; and as for them, they do not deserve the dignity of an answer.

You do not mention how your father feels about all that is happening; but I suggest that you do your best not to take sides in this matter. As I said before, the state of your parents marriage is nobody's business but their own.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. Please try to keep some perspective, as well. I doubt your mother came to all of those football games just to "watch Hunter in tight pants". The age difference between you and he tells me that he would have been a senior during your freshman year, meaning your mother also attended three years of Hunter-free games. --T.K.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Is It Racism Or Paranoia?

Dear Tazi:

I think my father might secretly be racist.  I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year now, and decided it was finally time to introduce him to my parents, who live two hours away from me.  Although emails and pictures have been sent over the past eleven months, my parents have never met “Elmont” in person.  Elmont is a light-skinned black man, so it can be difficult to tell his race from pictures.  Since his race has never mattered to me, I never thought to mention to my parents that he is black.

Over the Labor Day weekend, Elmont and I took a trip back to my home to visit with my parents and have a meet and greet with the family.  My mother was her usual cordial self but my father was not.  Dad is normally a very welcoming person; he has a big Irish personality and is the kind of person who likes everybody and everybody likes.  This is why I was very surprised to see him greet Elmont with a handshake instead of a big hug.  His excuse was that he was coming down with a cold and did not wish to spread it, but I thought he looked fine.

That evening, after dinner, Dad did not offer Elmont a drink as is his custom when he and Mom host guests.  When I pulled him aside to ask why, Dad blamed his non-existent cold.  Although the conversation was polite, Dad seemed detached; he claimed it was the cold medicine he was taking. 

The next morning was Sunday, and Elmont and I had planned on taking Mom and Dad out for brunch but Mom said that my father was not feeling very well, and that perhaps brunch could wait until the next day.  Tazi, we had a barbecue to attend the next day; we didn’t want to make it a full day of eating and socializing so Elmont and I went to brunch by ourselves.  Later, my father told me that he was hurt that we did not want to wait a day to have brunch with him and my mother! 

On Labor Day, Elmont and I attended a barbeque with family and friends and everyone was happy to meet him.  I thought once my father saw how everyone loved Elmont that he would warm up to my boyfriend, but he claimed that he was not feeling well and left the party early; by the time Elmont and I returned from the party it was late and we had to start back home because we were working the next day.

At first I thought I was just being paranoid about my father’s coolness towards Elmont, but he mentioned to me that he thought my father did not like him.  After I got home I called my Mom to let her know that we were home safe, and I asked her how my father was.  Mom told me that Dad was “resting in front of the TV” and that the weekend had really worn him out.  Tazi, he didn’t do anything!  I asked Mom to put Dad on the phone so I could talk to him, and once again he seemed fine – no hint of a cold!

This week, when I spoke to my parents in my weekly phone call, I broached the idea about Elmont and I coming home for Thanksgiving, but Mom told me that she and Dad had plans!  They will supposedly be taking a four-day cruise with my aunt and uncle.  When I mentioned that Auntie and Uncle made no mention of the cruise on Labor Day my mother responded that Labor Day was when the plans were first made; that it was a last minute thing.  I feel like my parents made these plans just to avoid spending Thanksgiving with Elmont!  When I told my mother this, she was hurt that I could think such a thing and defended my Dad, saying he really was feeling under the weather.

Tazi, do you think I am being paranoid and hypersensitive, like my Mom says I am?  Or could my father be a closet racist, like Elmont and I are thinking?  I have never seen my father act this way before, but I also grew up in an exclusive, all-white neighborhood so I have no standard of reference by which to judge.

Signed,

Biracial Blues

Dear Biracial Blues:

Late August and early September is high time for ragweed allergies to make their appearance, making those susceptible feel horrible by turning them into an itchy, watery-eyed, sneezing mess.  Allergy medications and cough and cold syrups can help alleviate these symptoms so as to appear like nothing is wrong, but the side effects include lethargy.  If your father is one of millions who suffer from allergies this could explain his aberrant behavior. 

Although it seems deliberate that your parents have planned to be away for the Thanksgiving holiday, it is probably just a coincidence.  You do not say if you have siblings still living at or near home, but you do mention that you live two hours away from your parents and have not been home to visit in several months.  Your parents probably decided to plan some “me” time for the holidays and Thanksgiving was the logical choice; it is America’s busiest travel time of the year. 

I sympathize with you and Elmont; I cannot imagine what you have been through in the past that would make you jump to such drastic conclusions but it must not have been pleasant.  I suggest that you make a second attempt with your parents and Elmont.  You say that your mother was pleasant and welcoming of him, so I suggest you give her the benefit of the doubt when she says that your father was not feeling well.  If your father truly was racist, he would not have welcomed Elmont into his home; rather, he would have used his cold as an excuse to send you both to a hotel and cancel all plans to spend time with the two of you.  The fact that he was hurt that you would not reschedule brunch lends credence to this view.  If a second visit with your parents does not alleviate your uneasiness I suggest that you have a frank discussion of your concerns with dear old Dad!  You may or may not like what he has to say, but at least you will know where things stand.  Sometimes, it is what it is.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Georgia Bulldog Follows A Tradition That Family Does Not Understand

Dear Tazi:

I am a huge sports fan. I love my teams - professional and college (Go Georgia Bulldogs!!!) - and attend several games a year; including the Deep South's Oldest Rivalry, for which I travel back to Georgia every year. The dates of my travel games are known well in advance, and I make my plans well in advance, too. I have been making the trip back to Georgia for the past fifteen years (since I graduated from the University of Georgia), so my habits are nothing new. My entire family knows how important these games are to me, and MOST have been understanding enough not to plan any major events that would conflict.

My problem is my sister. She got engaged this past Christmas, and decided to set her wedding date for the same day as the UGA-Auburn game (that's the game I am referring to when I mention "the Deep South's Oldest Rivalry"); the most important game of the year! People come "home" from all over the world to attend this game; buying tickets as soon as they go on sale - in fact, I had just bought my tickets when she announced her wedding date: 11-15-14. Her reason for picking this date? Because her Astrologer told her that this date would result in a "fruitful marriage. (My sister is 42 and is done having kids, so it is not like her biological clock is ticking. This will be her third marriage, too, so I think she is hoping that the word "fruitful" is not being used in the Biblical sense). I explained to her that I would not be able to attend her wedding that weekend and asked her to reschedule, but she just flew into a Bridezilla rage and called me every name in the book.

My family is from up North, so they don't understand the full meaning of the game tradition; which is why they feel I should be the one to cancel my plans in order to attend my sister's wedding. I offered to compromise if she would - I would fly home early and be there for the week of planned, pre-wedding celebrations; but she has her heart set on the date she chose and refused to budge, calling me a "bad brother". I am afraid I lost my temper and told her that she should get married on 12-13-14 if all she cared about was the superstitions of astrology and numerology, and now she is not speaking to me. My mother has suggested that I cancel my trip "in order to make peace", but as I see it that would just be letting my sister have her way.

Tazi, do you have any idea on how I can get myself out of this mess - without pulling a no-show to the greatest game of the season?

Signed,
A Bulldog In The Doghouse

Dear Bulldog:

If there is only one thing I know about the South it is that tradition comes before everything. I have met women in their 40's who return "home" for their sorority installation ceremonies and men of the same age who will plan their family vacation around the type of football rivalry games you have described. Some may find this way of life disturbing; I find it refreshing that respect for tradition is not lost in the hustle and bustle of every day commitments.

Being a Northerner, the closest thing to a rivalry game I have ever attended is the University of RI - Providence College basketball game, which is something fewer and fewer people seem to care about every year and especially this one as neither team has done well in the past few years. What can I say? Many Northern teams have fair-weather fans, and this appears to be the point of view from which your family is viewing your situation. You need to educate them on the historical importance of this game - share with them the rich history of the game; how it goes back over a century; and why the rivalry still exists today. Tell them of the camaraderie that occurs between fans, turning strangers into friends and friends into extended family.

The fact that you have been making this trip for 15 years speaks to the importance of this event and while I realize that your sister's wedding is also important, her reasoning for choosing the date she chose; her Bridzilla meltdown; and her complete refusal to compromise shows a complete lack of maturity and sensitivity on her part. She is, however, a blood relation; and as the expression goes, blood is thicker than water - even if you do bleed black as well as red. The game time has yet to be announced, but these games generally take place in the afternoon or the evening. Would your sister be adverse to having a morning wedding; at a time that would allow you to at least attend the ceremony (although not the reception) before hopping a plane to attend your game? Since neither of you wishes to budge, this appears to be the only compromise possible.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Now Grown, Sister Is Afraid Of Being Pushed Back Into The Shadows

Dear Tazi:

I am one of those people who grew up in the shadow of a sibling. Like Jan Brady, my older sister was the perfect one; Miss Popularity who got all of the attention, while I was just “Marcia’s” sister. As fate would have it, we both went to the same state college, and enrolled in the same major, Communications, but different concentrations – I chose Public Relations while Marcia went towards Advertising; however, we had a lot of classes together – I couldn’t get away from her.

After graduating, I decided to start my career while Marcia decided to continue on to graduate school, thinking it would make her more marketable. It didn’t. In fact, her choice backfired, making her un-hirable in our local market because her education level demanded more money, which local employers did not have to pay. Rather than accept less than she could make elsewhere, Marcia moved to a larger city while I stayed in our hometown. The distance between us actually helped us to grow closer, as Marcia learned what it was like to leave her comfort zone and I was allowed to step out of her shadow.

Over the years we have both done well in our chosen career fields and I even went to graduate school, courtesy of my company’s tuition-reimbursement plan. I have married and have a wonderful husband and children. I am truly blessed! Marcia, on the other hand, has taken a different path over the years, one that led to difficulty during the economic recession.

Marcia has bounced from one market to the next, never building up seniority at any one place, but reaching for the next rung of her career ladder when an opening became available in a desirable market. In this way, she reached upper management very swiftly, but never put down roots anywhere. She was living in Nevada when the recession hit, and she has not quite recovered from the huge blow she took. After two years of looking for a job opening in a similar or higher position that she last held, her savings are running out and she is talking about moving “home” to look for a job.

Tazi, I realize that our hometown has not been “home” to Marcia in over a decade, but I can’t help but feel frightened that her return will threaten all that I have managed to build for myself. I am afraid that I will go back to being Marcia’s sister and all that I have accomplished and all that I cherish will be forgotten. Marcia on the other hand talks excitedly about renewing our sisterly bond and how she can’t wait to be a part of my children’s lives, which worries me the most. What if my children prefer their Auntie to me, just like everyone else used to prefer Marcia to me?

Signed,

“Jan”

Dear “Jan”:

I am sure there will be a lot of people who will be able to relate to what you have written. Growing up in the shadow of a sibling can be a painful experience, but luckily – as you have found – that shadow is something we eventually outgrow. Having gone to college and studied the same major as your sister extended your time in that place, but you have bloomed since taking the path that led you to sunshine.

There is one sentence in your letter that is very telling of what the future may hold, but you seem to have missed it in your worry of what might happen versus what will most likely happen. You state that your hometown “has not been ‘home’ to Marcia in over a decade”. I would like you to think upon all the changes that have occurred during that time. Who has moved away or passed on? Who has moved into your town? Which of Marcia’s old boyfriends have moved on and married women they could not imagine living without? How many of Marcia’s best friends have developed new, adult friendships? Marcia may be moving back to her hometown, but I doubt it is the same town she left all those years ago. Upon arrival, she may discover that she is viewed as “Jan’s sister”. Do your best to overcome any desire to revel in this glory, and try to take a compassionate view by reintroducing your sister to the hometown she left behind.

"Wanna see my Linda Blair impression, Marcia?"

Regarding your final concern…it is my hope that your children will enjoy the time they spend with their Auntie – times with aunties are supposed to be fun times! Just remember that the love between a mother and child is something unique and that it can never be surpassed; it is not a more or less kind of love, it is a different kind of love that can never be taken away from you.

Snuggles,

Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.