Brother's Gift Selection Appears To Have A Hidden Message

Dear Tazi-Kat:

My birthday falls the day after Christmas, so I am one of those people who get all of their gifts at once. Growing up, my older brother was always jealous that I got more gifts than he did at this time of year, forgetting that he got a pile of birthday gifts every summer while I went without. I think this is why he buys me the worst gifts every Christmas! I don’t mean gifts that lack thought; but gifts that truly make me wonder if he hates me – things like gas station coffee mugs, Girls Gone Wild DVD’s, and other items of questionable taste.

Last year, after giving me a particularly offensive gift (a subscription to a political magazine that goes against my every belief), I politely and privately told him to please return the purchase and keep the money; that I would rather he save his cash than spend it on something I could not use or would not enjoy. I thought he was okay with things until this Thanksgiving. We were all gathered around the table as a family when he announced that he would not be buying me a gift this year since I was "such a spoiled ingrate" who is "unable to appreciate the spirit in which a gift is given". This led to my mother leaping to my defense (she, too, found his gift to me to be in poor taste), and a huge argument between the two of them ensued, with my brother accusing both of my parents of favoring me over him.

It has been over a week, and my brother has not called, emailed, or communicated in any way with my parents or me. He is not returning phone calls or emails, either. My mother wants to apologize for hurting his feelings; my father feels that my brother is the one who should be apologizing; and I am feeling stuck in the middle of all this. I don't even feel like celebrating Christmas or my birthday this year because of all the hurt feelings everyone is experiencing, but I will be turning 30 this year and a big family party has been planned in my honor, with family coming in from out-of-state to celebrate with us. Do you have any suggestions on how to get things back on track with my family, Tazi-Kat?

Signed,
"Little" Brother With A Big Problem

Dear Little Brother:

It sounds to me as if your older brother is carrying around several years’ worth of aggression towards you. As the older of the two, it seems that he feels the need to offer you guidance and direction onto what he feels is the correct path in life - thus the gift of political materials (although I am not sure what message he was trying to send with the Girls Gone Wild DVD). In his eyes, your rejection of his gift was also a rejection of his personal beliefs; which stings coming from anybody, but especially from a younger sibling. Combine this sense of rejection with a lifetime of feeling short-changed around the holidays, and your brother's sad attempt to embarrass you at the Thanksgiving dinner table makes much more sense.

If you want to heal this rift between your brother and your family, you will have to take a more direct approach, since indirect messages are not getting a response. I suggest that you request a face-to-face meeting with him in order to air the issues that are obviously upsetting him. Once accepted, explain to him that you did not mean to come off as unappreciative of his gift; but that you truly found it to be in poor taste, and thought it to be more of a personal jab than a sincere gift of the season. Let the conversation, however difficult, flow from there. If your brother is unable to see things from any point of view other than his own; then know that you at least tried to mend the rift between the two of you. It is not fair of him to expect you to deny your beliefs in order to satisfy his ego.

As for the rift between your brother and your parents, that is for them to resolve. You cannot be responsible for the dynamic between them, which appears to be very complicated. Although it is my hope that your brother will show up to Christmas dinner and/or your birthday party (if only for the sake of keeping up appearances), if he chooses to exclude himself from this year's celebrations, this is his choice to make. You - or your parents - do not need to make excuses for him. If the rest of your family asks about him, simply smile and tell them that you will let him know that they were asking about him, then change the subject to a blatantly neutral topic of conversation, like the weather. People will get the hint that your brother's absence is a sore subject, and will hopefully let it drop.

Family is so very important in life. They are all we truly have when all else is gone; so I urge you not to give up on your brother – even if it means giving him some space through the holiday season and trying again in the New Year. Family counseling with a licensed social worker might be just the thing to help, since it is obvious that your brother is desperate to be heard.

-- Tazi-Kat

Tweet Your Christmas Stories To @TaziKat!

Dear Readers,

Since it is Christmas Eve I will be celebrating with my family and the large bag of kitty snax I see hidden in the far reaches of the Christmas tree; for some reason, my humans thought I would not go after them if they were tucked away there!  Such Christmas fools!

I will get those kitty snax, even if it kills the tree!

I would like to wish you all a very relaxing holiday, and to those who do not celebrate, a relaxing day off tomorrow, courtesy of America's Judeo-Christian traditions. Speaking of which, are any of my Jewish readers going to a "Matzo Ball" this year?

I doubt I will be able to sleep a wink tonight; I will be on the lookout for Santa! I plan on attacking the big guy and digging through his toy sack for just the right gift for Mommie. Do you think she will like a big bag of Skittles candy? She got a four-pound bag last year (that's 7 and 1/2 kilos, my Canadian friends!) and it seemed to go over very well! I love chasing them around the floor, almost as much as I love chasing chipmunks around the house! Speaking of chipmunks, Mommie was not amused with the dead chipmunk I gave her a few  Christmases ago. Personally, I thought it was the best Christmas gift ever!

I plan on attacking the real Santa, too!

What, dear readers, is the best gift you have ever received for the holidays? What is the worst gift you have ever received? Please, share your stories with me! Just this once, I will not mock your crazy human behavior of buying the wife a crock pot for Christmas! I receive so many letters with tales of woe; today I would like to hear your tales (tails?) of happiness and laughter! You can comment here at the end of the column, or comment on Facebook or on Twitter, with the hash-tag AskTazi, or by direct tweet to @TaziKat. I look forward to hearing what you have to say!

I am off to bed now...the quicker you fall asleep, the quicker Santa comes to your house, you know!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Bratty Niece Leaves Angry Uncle Wanting An Apology

Dear Tazi:

My sister-in-law has an eight year old daughter who is an absolute brat. She interrupts conversations, talks back to adults, and never says thank-you for anything. I avoid visiting my in-laws because I know that one day I am going to lose it on the kid if her behavior does not improve.

For me, the last straw with “Aimee” was Christmas Eve. We were gathered at my sister-in-law’s house and the kids were opening gifts from the adults. My wife spent a lot of time and money shopping for the nephews and nieces, picking out what she thought would be just the right gift for each of them. Her three other nieces and her two nephews loved their gifts, and expressed their gratitude; Aimee did not like her gift, and let everyone know. She threw aside the GAP Kids outfit my wife had bought her, calling it “stupid and for babies”. Aimee’s mother demanded that she apologize, but Aimee refused, saying she wasn’t sorry and that it is wrong to lie. (At least the kid showed some kind of moral compass).

My wife was distraught and I was just plain [angry], so we ended up leaving shortly after Aimee’s meltdown. I expected my sister-in-law to call to apologize, say she has punished Aimee for her rude behavior, or something like that, but she never did; she didn’t even call to wish us a Merry Christmas. I would like to call my sister-in-law and tell her exactly how I feel about her kid’s behavior, but my wife says to let it go, that Aimee is probably going through a phase and will outgrow it. Aimee’s birthday is in February, and I would like to skip the gift-giving altogether, as punishment since nobody else seems to be correcting her, but my wife says that is harsh and that Aimee will have forgotten her behavior by the time her birthday rolls around. I say that is all the more reason to remind her of it, not to reward her for it.

My wife is a devoted reader of your column (and yeah, I like it too) so I would like to know your opinion on what to do – let things go or make a point.

Signed,

Angry Uncle

Dear Angry Uncle:

Eight years old can be a difficult age for a girl; she is no longer a baby or even a little girl, but she is not yet a teenager who can wear makeup and talk about boys. Our American culture pushes adolescence on children younger and younger with every generation – it is different from when you were a child. When my Mommie was a child she would emulate Sheena Easton and Donna Summer; now girls look to role models like Katy Perry and Lady Gaga. What girly-girl would not be entranced by that much glitter? However, the fact remains that Aimee is still an eight year old girl, regardless of how old she may think she is. This could explain – although not excuse – Aimee’s rudeness.

She worked hard for the money, so hard honey, honey!

After re-reading your letter, I think that the situation was handled badly all the way around – from Aimee’s tantrum to your sister-in-law’s passive attitude, to you and your wife picking up and leaving early – while this may have resolved your own discomfort, it probably made things even worse for the other guests (who may have deserved that discomfort for sitting passively and watching the drama unfold; I cannot say for certain since I was not there).

Putting aside the fact that Aimee’s mother needs to take charge of her daughter’s behavior – that is another issue altogether – I would like to address your handling of the whole gift-giving situation. You say that your wife spent a lot of time and money picking out what she thought was the perfect gift. While I appreciate her efforts, did she seek input from her sister on what Aimee might like? This small effort could have saved her the larger effort of searching for the perfect gift, and is the reason that weddings have registries and why children write letters to Santa. This oversight, however, in no way excuses Aimee’s behavior.

Your wife is right in saying that Aimee will have forgotten her behavior from Christmas by the time her birthday arrives. Withholding her gift when you have given her birthday gifts in the past will be a lesson lost on one so young. I suggest that you give Aimee a birthday gift, as usual. Should her reaction to your gift mirror her reaction at Christmas, calmly take the gift, put it back in the box, and tell Aimee that you will be returning it since she did not like it. Do not exchange the gift for something she likes; do not give her a gift card or merchandise credit; simply let her poor behavior be its own reward. If she questions your actions, when she realizes a new gift is not forthcoming, explain to her in language that a newly-minted nine year old can understand: a gift is not something that is automatic; it is given out of love, and when love is not shown back no gift the giver feels very hurt. A gift once given belongs to the recipient, but if rejected can be taken back by the giver. If your sister-in-law has a problem with this, you can take the issue up with her – privately, not in front of her child.

Snuggles,

Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Share Your Christmas Traditions With Tazi!

Dear Readers,

Since it is Christmas Eve I have decided to take a rare vacation for the next few days to celebrate with my family and the large bag of kitty snax I see hidden in the far reaches of the Christmas tree; for some reason, my humans thought I would not go after them if they were tucked away there!  Such Christmas fools!

I will get those kitty snax, even if it kills the tree!

I would like to wish you all a very relaxing holiday, and to those who do not celebrate a relaxing day off tomorrow, courtesy of America's Judeo-Christian traditions. Speaking of which, are any of my Jewish readers going to a "Matzo Ball" this year?

I doubt I will be able to sleep a wink tonight; I will be on the lookout for Santa! I plan on attacking the big guy and digging through his toy sack for just the right gift for Mommie. Do you think she will like a big bag of Skittles candy? I love chasing them around the floor, almost as much as I love chasing chipmunks around the house! Speaking of chipmunks, Mommie was not amused with the dead chipmunk I gave her last Christmas. Personally, I thought it was the best Christmas gift ever!

I plan on attacking the real Santa, too!

What, dear readers, is the best gift you have ever received for the holidays? What is the worst gift you have ever received? Please, share your stories with me! Just this once, I will not mock your crazy human behavior of buying the wife a crock pot for Christmas! I receive so many letters with tales of woe; today I would like to hear your tales (tails?) of happiness and laughter! You can comment here at the end of the column, or comment on Facebook or on Twitter, with the hash-tag AskTazi, or by direct tweet to @TaziKat. I look forward to hearing what you have to say!

I am off to bed now...the quicker you fall asleep, the quicker Santa comes to your house, you know!

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Thoughtless Gifts Take The Fun Out Of Giving, Receiving

Dear Tazi:

It's the gift-giving time of year again, and the economy is bad.  This is a combination that, in the past, has resulted in my receiving really bad gifts.  I would rather my friends, family, co-workers, and loved ones save their money than give me cheap items that I neither need, want, or have any use for whatsoever.

Last Christmas, my nephew gave me a copy of my favorite classic movie, Gone With the Wind....on VHS tape.  In case you are going to say that it's the thought that counts, know that it was obvious that he had picked it up at somebody's yard sale (the price dot was still on the back of it); I do not even own a VCR and have no way of playing the tape; and I already own a much nicer copy of it on Blu-Ray.  My nephew is in college, so he is not a young, clueless child.  Other gifts I received from people who felt obligated to buy me a gift included a set of plastic salt and pepper shakers with the matching napkin holder; a Christmas sweater (given to me on Christmas Day); a size 2XL two-piece bathing suit (I am a large woman, but not a 2XL and would never wear a two-piece anyway!); and, my personal "favorite", a Powerball ticket with the disclaimer that if it won I would have to split the winnings with the giver.  I no longer participate in the office Christmas exchange after getting cheated into accepting a summer themed shot glass that was on clearance at the local discount store for 75-cents (the price point was $20; there is no way that piece of [poopie] cost anywhere near $20!).

Tazi, I am not looking for bling or amazing swag under my Christmas tree; just a thoughtful gift that took some kind of effort on the part of the giver.  I have told my family that they need not worry about buying for me if they cannot afford it, but they insist on giving something because I "always give such great gifts"!  This year, I am considering making charitable donations to organizations that I know my loved ones support.  This way I get the joy of giving, a charity gets a much needed donation, and I don't have to worry about receiving needless junk in return for my "great gift".  However, I am afraid that some people might be offended that they are not getting a physical gift from me this year.  Can you think of a way that my plan can be tastefully executed?

Signed,
Gifts In Bad Taste

Dear Gifts In Bad Taste:

So often, people feel obligated to give a gift to every member of their family, right down to their great-Aunt Tillie who they have not seen since last Christmas.  The "need" to give everyone a gift can get quite expensive, resulting in some questionable purchases.  The gifts you have been receiving are definitely inexpensive, but also uninspired, so I can see why you are upset.  It is not the cost of the gift that matters, but the thought that goes into it, and it appears that your loved ones do not think before purchasing your presents.

I have a few suggestions for gift-giving among you and your family that are not as extreme as writing a check to charity on behalf of someone else.  The first is try a Secret Santa gift exchange, like many people do at their office (I presume this is how you ended up with a 75-cent shot glass).  This method of gift giving is good natured and fun, and allows the gift-giver to spend more money on one present and less money overall since they are buying only one gift.

The second suggestion is a Yankee Swap, where each participant buys a thoughtful gift and participants choose a gift in turn and "swap" the gift taken for something they like better.  So long as everyone sticks to the rules (and an agreed upon price point), this is a fun way to exchange gifts.

The third suggestion is to simply not exchange gifts at all.  You could explain to your loved ones that your house is becoming overwhelmed with knick-knacks, scented candles, VHS tapes, and other presents given in thought of the holiday season.  From there, if you would like to make charitable donations on behalf of your loved ones, make certain that it is a cause that they support!  Some will be bitter about this choice - they would rather that you hand them the cash - but others will be touched by your kindness.

One last suggestion comes from my Mommie.  Her family has a silly tradition that they picked up from watching The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Christmas From the Dollar Store.  Silly gifts are purchased; a Yankee Swap commences; many laughs are shared; and nobody misses the traditional gift-giving exchange, which still takes place among the immediate family circles of parents/children/grandchildren, just not aunts/uncles/cousins/nephews/nieces/etc.

Jay Leno's Christmas From the 99-Cent Store

Be sure to check out "Hell Kitty"!

However you choose to celebrate the season, remember that it is the intangible gifts that we give each other - love, happiness, laughter, and kindness - that last the longest and mean the most!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Or you could just give yourself a present instead!

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.