Parents Must Work Together To Successfully Raise Children

Dear Tazi:

I am having a problem with my children and my husband just indulges them. It is enough to make me scream! I have two school-age boys who get no physical activity outside of recess and gym class at school. My husband and I are on a tight budget due to student loan payments and a mortgage, so we cannot afford to sign them up for Little League or Pee Wee football, not that they would play if we did; they prefer to sit around the house watching TV and eating whatever junk food they can sneak.

I am a Nurse and I work third shift, so I am home to get my boys ready for school and off for the day. I pack nutritious lunches for them – fruit or yogurt, string cheese, vegetable chips, turkey sandwiches, etc. – but I get the impression that they swap with their friends for junk food. When they get home from school, they never want to go out and play and I am generally busy getting dinner ready before taking an after-dinner/before work nap to go outside and play with them. When my husband arrives home from work, he complains that he is too tired to play catch or touch football or even to go on a bike ride with the boys; he just wants to eat dinner and veg out in front of the TV. Tazi, he works at a desk all day, so it is not like he is physically exerting himself! On weekends, I can’t pry any of them away from the TV. What is worse, my husband will sit there with a beer and a bag of chips; although he will not let the boys drink beer he does let them eat potato chips “to keep them quiet on his day off”. Tazi, it is my day off, too, and this is not how I want to spend it!

I have pretty much given up on my husband as a lost cause, but I do not want my children developing his same bad habits! My younger son is already showing signs of developing a weight problem (he was 5 pounds over at his physical last month, which is significant for a young child). What can I do to get my kids active without coming off as the mean parent?

Signed,

Nurse Mom

Dear Nurse Mom:

I think you need to start with your husband. When parents are not on the same page, children get mixed messages about what is acceptable behavior. Your husband may be tired after work, but what about you? You come home from work only to take care of your children before getting some sleep yourself, only to wake up and start all over again when they get home from school! When is your break? You need to start taking one before you fall apart!

While your husband may be too tired after work to play football, this should not excuse him from spending quality time with his sons. An invigorating walk or bike ride can work wonders for a person’s energy levels. Give your husband the option: every evening after work he can take the boys out for a walk or a bike ride or some other form of physical activity or he can make dinner while you take the boys out for half an hour of exercise. If he refuses to do either, follow through with your exercise just the same. When you return, you can throw together some sandwiches for you and your sons; let your husband fend for himself until he learns that marriage is a partnership and that in order to get he is going to have to start giving.

You will also have to start limiting the amount of TV your family watches. Are there other children in the neighborhood with whom you could organize activities? During the nice weather, children should be outside running around and playing games, not sitting inside glued to the TV. Watching television should be a rainy day activity only; this will not only cut down on their TV watching, but also their snacking on junk food. While you cannot parent your husband you can put your foot down and implement a rule of no food in the TV room. This will solve the problem of crumbs on the furniture and the floor as well as the issue of mindless snacking in front of the TV. The punishment for breaking this rule could be to immediately have to vacuum the carpets and the furniture.

In closing, I a going to recommend marital counseling and/or parenting classes for you and your husband; you need to learn to work together and to respect each other in order for both your marriage and your family life to work.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Yoga Pants Require Greater Coverage Than Regular Pants!

Dear Tazi:

My daughter is a very large woman, so finding clothes that fit proper can be difficult for her. Because of this, she wears a lot of knits, most notably "stretch pants". Unfortunately, "Clara" does not realize just how dreadful these pants make her look. Clara wears these pants without any kind of covering, like a long blouse or a tunic; worse, she will tuck her shirt into these pants, making for a bunchy, wrinkled look that from a short distance looks like a bad case of cellulite.

I have suggested to Clara that she wear a more flattering top with her stretch pants - like a long top or a tunic style blouse, but she just gets angry with me, telling me that she is who she is and a shirt isn't going to hide it. Tazi, I am not trying to get Clara to hide her bulk, I am simply trying to get her to dress is a more appropriate manner. I would not dream of leaving the house with visible panty lines, but this is exactly what Clara is doing  - and worse - every time she wears those hideous stretch pants with nothing covering her bottom. Furthermore, the fabric of these pants is stretched awfully thin, and when she wears lighter colors her panties show right through! It is positively humiliating!

Please understand that I am NOT embarrassed by my daughter's weight; I love her regardless of her size. I am, however, upset that she is straining the rules of decency. Can you think of any way to address this issue so that she will not think it is about her weight? Because it really isn't!

Signed,
Patience Stretched

Dear Patience Stretched:

I don't care what size you are, or even if your butt looks like this in a pair of yoga pants:

The rules of fashion dictate that leggings are not pants and that a long shirt or tunic length blouse should be worn with them. Recently, the CEO of Lulumom stepped down over the scandal that their yoga pants are so sheer you could see right through them! 

Just say NO to crack!

Wearing pants like this in public could get you fined or arrested for public indecency. If Clara's leggings are causing problems such as those illustrated above, I suggest you snap a photo of her behind so she can see for herself just what she is showing to the world. I realize this is extreme, and sounds cruel, but she has thus far refused to listen to reason and is making it about her weight; you need to show her that it is about dressing appropriately. Unless she is going out to a dance club to pick up a man looking for a one-night stand, I cannot see how wearing these kinds of pants would be considered appropriate dress. I am quite surprised that her employer has not said something to her already.

I suggest that you stress once again - and again, and again until Clara gets it - that this is not about her weight. She may need counseling to deal with the low self-esteem she seems to be suffering, and you may want to go along to show her that you are on her side. If it offers any comfort, you are not the first Mom to find her daughter's wardrobe completely odious; it is an argument that goes back generations upon generations.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Cheerleader Says "Bring It On!", Parents Not So Spirited

Dear Tazi:

Have you ever seen the movie Bring It On? That could be the story of my life! I live, eat, sleep, and breathe cheerleading! I started with lessons when I was only 3 and have been on a squad since I was 7. I love cheerleading! It is all that I want to do with my life. My goal is to cheer professionally for the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. I cannot try out for them until I am 18, but I have been practicing really hard, and have the opportunity to go to a training camp where I can learn their moves and other ways to improve my chances of making it onto their squad. The problem is the cost: $300 per week, not including the cost of travel. I would like to attend for the entire summer program next year, bringing the cost to over $3,000.

I would like to use the money my parents have put in my college education fund to pay for cheer training camp. I figure if I make the Dallas squad I will not have time to go to college anyway, so why leave the money sitting there? I think using it for cheer training would be a much better use for it. As you have probably already guessed, my parents are firmly against this plan. I don’t think they are being fair. It is MY future; shouldn’t I get to decide what I want to do with it?

Signed,
Future D.C.B.C.L.

Dear Future D.C.B.C.L.

You do not say how old you are, but from the tone of your letter I will guess that you are a teenager. This means that your parents are legally responsible for you and that the decisions they make must be made with your best interests in mind. I realize that you understand the difficulty in making it onto a professional cheering squad; otherwise you would not be seeking such expensive, specialized training. Please tell me, what do you plan on doing for a living if you do not get picked for a professional cheering squad? This is what your parents are considering, and why they have set aside money to pay for your college education and not cheer camp.

$3,000 is a lot of money to invest in a dream, and you are essentially asking somebody else to pay for it. I will suggest a compromise that I think is fair to both you and your parents:

You must:

Be willing to work a part-time job to pay for at least 50% of this special cheer training camp (your parents can decide what percentage they would be willing to pay, and 0% is an acceptable answer).

Keep your school grades at or above the level you have them at now.

Agree to at least try college, to see if you like it and to work towards a degree as a back-up plan should a cheerleading position not come through right away (a community college would be the perfect place to start, as the costs are lower than a traditional college and the scheduling more flexible).

Your parents must:

Be supportive of your dream, as it appears they have been in the past, so long as you stick to your end of the bargain.

Accept your decision with regards to continuing your education, if after one year you decide you do not wish to continue

As you can see, the onus is on you to follow through with the tough stuff – planning and working towards a successful future, complete with a Plan B should things not go as planned, regardless of how talented you are. Football players are not the only ones who can suffer career-ending injuries.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Picky Eater Will Eat When She Gets Hungry

Dear Tazi:

My four year old daughter is a picky eater. She will only eat carbs! Her favorites are macaroni and cheese and french fries, but she will also eat spaghetti, white bread with butter, cereal, and of course sugar. Her pediatrician has said that she is healthy, but that I need to vary her diet in order to avoid problems like malnutrition and excessive weight gain.

I have tried putting vegetables in "Jennie's" mac and cheese, but she just picks them out. She does the same thing with the fruit I put in her cereal, and she will not drink milk unless it is chocolate milk - something I added to try and get her to drink milk in the first place. My husband is of no help in trying to get Jennie to eat a healthier variety of foods; he just suggests that we let her eat what she would like to eat, and as she gets older her tastes will change and so will her eating habits. His eating habits are just as bad - he will eat nothing but pizza and steak! I am at my wits end with both of them, Tazi! My husband can be responsible for his own heart attack, but I do not want my child to grow up thinking her eating habits are acceptable. Do you have any ideas on how to get my little girl to eat, Tazi?

Signed,
Frustrated Mom

Dear Frustrated Mom:

I suggest that instead of catering to everyone's tastes, you plan a weekly menu - and stick to it. Be sure to incorporate some of the foods your family likes, like macaroni and cheese or pizza bites; rather than make these foods the main course serve them in a smaller portion, as a side dish. This will satisfy their desire for the special food but leave them with other, more nutritious selections to fill their bellies.

If your daughter refuses to eat anything on her plate except for her favorite carb-laden foods, do not offer her more of them. When she makes it known that she is done with her meal, take her plate away from her - even if most of her meal is still on it. If later in the evening she complains that she is still hungry, offer her the remainder of her dinner (reheated, if required). If she refuses it, play along by telling her that she must not be all that hungry. If she throws a tantrum, suggest that she must be tired and that it is time for bed - then follow through with the choice she makes: dinner or bedtime.

A hungry child will not choose to remain hungry for very long. Sooner, rather than later, they will come to the understanding that if they do not eat what is being served than they will not be eating at all. Once your daughter makes this connection, offer her a reward - like a dessert treat for eating some of each item on her plate. Up the ante each time by requiring she eat a little more nutritious food at each meal before she can have dessert. In time, she really will be full and not just pretending to be full so she can have room for dessert.

I have to add that these ideas are not my own, but the ideas shared with me from mothers of picky eaters - and every single one of them had the picky eater on a healthier track within a few weeks. I hope that these ideas work for you, too!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

New Mom Needs To Love Child For Who She Will Be, Not What She Will Look Like

Dear Tazi:

I am a new Mom to a baby girl who, at three weeks old, already looks like a beauty queen!  Her big blue eyes would just melt your heart and I just know that she is the next Honey Boo Boo Child!  I cannot wait to start entering her in beauty pageants, but my husband – my baby’s father – has different ideas.  He has declared that under no circumstances will he allow me to waste our money on “that garbage”, nor will he allow me to force our child into a life of competition and princessery.  He wants to encourage her to develop her mind and be someone based upon her intelligence!  Tazi, my baby girl is only three weeks old!  We don’t even know if she is going to be intelligent, but I can tell that she is going to be a traffic stopper in the looks department!  What do you suggest I tell my husband to get him to understand that beauty pageants are our little girl’s ticket to success?  I have tried to find sponsors to pay for the pageant costs, but nobody has taken me up on the offer to sponsor Miss America 2033! 

Signed,

Mama to a ‘Bama Beauty Queen

Dear Mama to a ‘Bama Beauty Queen:

I hate to burst your bubble (oh, who am I kidding?  This is one bubble I am excited to burst!), but at three weeks old most babies still have blue eyes and all of their Mamas think they are just the prettiest child on God’s green earth (the rest of the world tends to differ, though).

At less than one month old, your child is too young to be conscious of the pageantry and “princessery” that you seek to make her life, but as she gets older she may or may not embrace the plans you have for her.  Not every child is as receptive to beauty pageants and “Go Go Juice” as Little Miss Honey Boo Boo; some little girls prefer getting down and dirty in the mud to applying makeup and hair dye.

I can understand your new-Mom excitement, but you need to slow down and allow your daughter to develop at a slower pace.  If, in time, your daughter chooses to take part in the beauty pageants you so hope for that will be the time to try and get your husband to mellow on the subject, as well as the proper time to seek sponsorship to defray the costs associated with child beauty pageants.  Just don't take it overboard...please.

I realize that you do not yet know how high (or low) your daughter’s I.Q. will be when she grows up, but you also do not know what she will look like, either.  She may develop a thyroid problem, severe acne, or other physical traits that would exclude her from the winner’s podium in the cut-throat world of pageantry, where looks are everything.  Please do not link your child’s self-worth to physical beauty; no child deserves a fate like that.

No Snuggles For You,

Tazi



 Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Mother Not Amused By Young Son's Obsession With Toy Guns

Dear Tazi:

My young son "Ralphie" is positively obsessed with guns. Right now, he is too young to handle a real gun - even an air rifle - but he loves the toy guns he finds at his friends houses and, since I will not allow such toys in my house (I feel that they promote violence) Ralphie will make a gun-like motion with his thumb and forefinger and pretend to shoot, saying "bang bang" as he aims at anything that moves.

I have tried everything to dissuade Ralphie's interest in guns, running the gamut from punishment to rewards, but nothing works! I am afraid I am raising a little Charlton Heston and this is not what I want! Ralphie's father is not a part of his life, so I do not know where this obsession came from, but I would like some advice on how to end it!

Signed,
Peacemaker

Dear Peacemaker:

I can understand your concern about your young son's obsession with guns; but please understand that an obsession with guns does not necessarily translate into an obsession with violence. There is a well-defined line between fantasy-play and reality. The next time Ralphie points his pretend finger-gun at you - or another living creature - take a moment to sit him down and ask why he would want to shoot someone. If he gives a response that indicates that he is just playing (and this type of response can range from "because the dog is secretly an alien" to "because the cat is a bad guy") put your concerns to rest that your son is not the next Son of Sam. You should also take this moment to briefly explain to your son that guns upset you, and to please not "shoot" while in the house. According to PBS.org, this means talking with him, not to him. Ralphie's understanding of how a real gun works - and the damage one can cause - is probably much less developed than you realize.

As for where your son's gun obsession could have come from, that is anybody's guess. Some child psychiatrists (which I am not) believe that boys have a genetic predisposition to aggressive behavior, and an interest in guns is an off-shoot of this programming. If Ralphie is interested in other toys and activities besides guns - such as sports, games, children's books, and other age-appropriate activities - I would dial down the worry several notches. If Ralphie's "obsession" with guns is to the point where he ignores all other toys, I suggest that you speak to his pediatrician about his psychological development. It could be he is just going through a phase, or it could be that there is an underlying cause for Ralphie's fixation on one particular thing (in this case, guns).

Regardless of how deep Ralphie's gun obsession is, here are some tips courtesy of PBS.org on how to talk to your son about his gun-play:

Talk with your kids
Instead of talking at your son about guns (“Guns are dangerous!” “Don’t do that!”) talk with him. His understanding of guns is probably less sophisticated than you think.

Ask open-ended questions to acknowledge the play and spur conversation: “Looks like you’re having fun. What are you doing?” And gently but consistently underscore the difference between real and toy guns by emphasizing how much fun it is to “pretend.”

Limit your child’s exposure to violence on TV or in video games
“I think exposure to violence on TV or video games should be a greater concern to parents than gun play,” says Joshua Weiner, an Arlington, Virginia-based psychiatrist who specializes in children and adolescents. “Repeated exposure has been demonstrated in studies to desensitize kids to violence. It is important to limit this exposure, especially in younger kids.” The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that kids be exposed to no more than one to two hours of “quality [television] programming” per day.

Monitor, don’t necessarily prohibit, your child’s gun play
As long as playing with toy guns doesn’t dominate a child’s time, it’s okay to let him explore it...provided a parent or trusted adult is watching.

“Many young kids (under age five) don't even understand what shooting someone really means,” says Weiner. “The shooting is more about power, fantasy and imagination—not killing and death.” That said, “If all your son wants to do is engage in gun play, you need to place limits like you would on any other activity done in excess,” Weiner notes. “In this case, parents should consider taking the guns away and talking with their child about their concerns.”

If you’re going to buy a toy gun, make sure it really looks like a toy

Encourage “target practice.”
Achieving the simple goal of hitting a target with a foam-ball gun can be extremely satisfying for an active little boy, and it helps develop hand-eye coordination to boot. Just draw a bull’s-eye on a white board or make a pyramid of empty soda cans, and you’re good to go, says Kelly Moore, a mom of three from Denver, Colorado. There’s an added benefit, she says: “The boys can be competitive and have fun without accidentally hurting each other.”

Teach proper gun safety
This one may seem like a no-brainer, but it’s worth pointing out: if you choose to have real guns in your home, it’s imperative to help your children understand and respect their power.

Again, these tips are courtesy of PBS.org. To read the full article, click here.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. You mention that Ralphie's father is not a part of his life. I do hope that he has other active, positive male role models in his life, or this could lead to other developmental issues down the road.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Mom is Afraid That Dad Is Trying To Raise A Bully

Dear Tazi:

My five year old son, "Jacob" is a sweet and active little boy.  He loves to run and play in the yard, but will stop to pick dandelions and run inside to give me a "bouquet".  He enjoys playing ruff-and-tumble games with the neighborhood boys but is equally comfortable giving a little girl a push on the swings.  I love my son dearly, which is why I am concerned about how my husband wishes to raise him.  I think "Jack" is pushing Jacob to be a bully.

I was recently baking chocolate chip cookies for my book club meeting, and Jacob asked if he could help me.  I thought by "help" he meant taste the batter and lick the extra off of the mixing wand, but Jacob was actually interested in knowing how to bake cookies.  He was fascinated that separate ingredients could come together to form something new; wanted to know why the oven had to be a particular temperature in order for the cookies to bake; and what happened to the cookies while they were baking, how they went from being "mushy balls of dough to real cookies" is what he said!

I was so proud of Jacob's curiosity and desire to learn the science behind cooking that I told Jack about my day when he got home.  Big mistake!  Jack accused me of trying to "turn our son into a sissy" and argued that the kitchen is no place for a man.  He then took Jacob outside and told him that it was high time he learned how to play football.  Tazi, Jacob plays soccer and T-ball and is very happy playing both.  I think he is too young to add a third sport to his schedule, but when I said this to Jack later that evening, he let loose with a tirade against both sports, calling them "sissy sports".  He then went on to say that Jacob is too soft, that he is going to end up being bullied if he doesn't start to toughen up, and that I need to loosen the apron strings!  I left the room on the verge of tears!

Tazi, my little boy is only five.  He just started kindergarten in September and he loves it.  He is not having any problems in school; in fact, he has made several new friends, both boys and girls.  His teacher says he is a joy to have in class and is always offering to help her pass out paper and art supplies or to help with the end-of-day clean up before the school bus arrives.  I do not think that Jacob is maladjusted in any way and I do not want my husband to discourage Jacob's natural curiosity - even if Jacob wanted to bake cookies because he enjoys baking!  Can you give me some advice on how to stand up to my husband?  I considered using your "Cut and Serve Paw Slap of Disgust" but I couldn't remember which column it was printed in; plus I am afraid that giving one to Jack will just make the problem worse.

Signed,
Jacob's Mom

Dear Jacob's Mom:

Excuse my a minute while I contact Chef Emeril Lagasse to tell him that, because he is a man, his place is not in the kitchen.  I will let your husband handle Chef Gordon Ramsey and even provide a fresh litter-box so you can bury what remains of your husband once he has handled the situation.  I am hoping that my dry humor is not lost through the printed word - as scary as Chef Ramsey is, I do not believe he has ever gone Sweeney Todd on anyone.

Your son Jacob sounds like a wonderful little boy, and I do not think that issues with bullying - either being one or hurt by one - is something in his immediate future.  As a parent, you are right to to keep an ever vigilant eye on the issue to make certain that the problem, should it arise, is nipped in the bud.  I do not think the problem here is with your son, but with your husband's impression of the relationship between you and your son.

The fact that Jack called Jacob's sports "sissy sports" is unnerving.  Your child is five years old!  Does your husband expect him to play tackle football at that age?  The comment that it is time for you to "loosen the apron strings" gives me a clue to Jack's side of the story.  Does your husband feel like a third wheel in the relationship between you and your son?  Or is he allowed to be an active participant in his son's life and childhood development?  Do you push your husband aside - inadvertently or purposely - when it comes to making decisions regarding your son?  Do you welcome your husband to spend time with Jacob - together with you or as Daddy and son time?

I get the impression that you are a SAHM (Stay-At-Home-Mom), which means you get to spend a great deal more time with your son, even now that he has started school.  Your husband could be feeling jealous of the close relationship that has developed between you and Jacob.  Not only does this closeness leave him out in the cold as a father, it also affects his closeness to you as your husband.  It could be that Jack feels he is no longer the #1 man in your life.

The issues you are facing with the raising of your son could reflect deeper issues in your marriage - issues of which you may not yet be aware.  I suggest that you hold off on delivering a Tazi-Kat Paw Slap of Disgust until you have had the chance to sit and talk with your husband in a neutral setting, sans Jacob.  Ask your husband if he feels left out of Jacob's life, if he feels you are the one doing all the child-raising and he is left to sit on the sidelines and watch.  Let Jack's answers guide your next move, which may include parenting classes or marital counseling.  Remember that counseling is not only for people who have problems - many couples seek counseling to resolve small problems before they become big ones!

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S.  I have added a permanent page to this website, offering a "Cut and Serve Tazi-Kat Paw Slap of Disgust", Original, Claws Out, or Cute Kitten style!  Check it out!  --T.K.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Bake-Off Offers A Teaching Moment For Grandma and Granddaughter

Dear Tazi:

My eldest granddaughter is fourteen and is interested in baking.  She is very good at following a recipe, but does not yet have enough experience to create recipes of her own.  I know in time she will do just fine, and I am very proud of her skills.  I do a lot to support her, including assisting her with the cost of some of the more expensive ingredients for her cookies, cakes, and pies, and I am always willing to give her an honest opinion on her finished products.

My problem is that "Bethany" would like to enter the Annual Christmas Pie Bake-Off that our church holds every year.  There is a small entry fee, which I will be glad to cover for her, and a "tasting" fee for the public to join in on the fun and choose their favorite pie.  All the money goes to the church, so that they may continue with their missions of the Good Word.

I would be thrilled if Bethany wanted to enter the Bake-Off on her own, but she cannot.  The rules strictly state that all pie recipes must be original to the baker and, as I have already mentioned, Bethany has not yet formulated recipes of her own.  The Bake-Off is only a month away, so Bethany does not have time to try and formulate her own pie recipe. She is aware of this, and has asked me to let her use one of my pie recipes.

Tazi, I do not know what to do about this request!  On the one hand, I would love to see Bethany compete in her first Bake-Off; but on the other hand, I would like to see her do it with her own recipe.  To use my (award-winning) recipe under her name would be cheating!  I realize that all the money raised goes to the church, and one less entrant means that much less money for the church missions, but I don't think cheating is a very Christian way to go about raising that extra money!

Tazi, Bethany has her heart set on entering the Bake-Off this year.  I don't want to tell her no, but I feel like my conscience will bother me too much if I say yes.  What do you suggest, Tazi?

Signed,
Cherry Pie Mess

Dear Cherry Pie Mess:

Mmmmmm.....pie!  Where exactly is this annual Bake-Off?  Is it somewhere in the New England area where I could make Mommie and Daddy drive to and bring me back some pie?  Oh, I am being self-centered again - sorry, I lapsed!

My concern is not for your conscience, but for your granddaughter's.  Does she realize that the contest requires all pie recipes be property of the person entering it?  Before you do anything else, you need to explain this fact to Bethany.  Her response can guide your conscience towards the next step to take.

If Bethany was unaware of the rules and her request was perfectly innocent, is it possible that the two of you enter as one?  You could work together to make the pie and enter as a Grandma-Granddaughter Pie Baking Team!  If I were attending the Bake-Off, I would be perfectly charmed at the idea of two generations spending quality time together for a good cause.

If each entrant must be a solo entrant, in good conscience you must tell Bethany that she cannot use your recipe, but that you could work with her to try and develop her own pie recipe in time for the big event.  The recipe would have to be Bethany's own idea, but you could offer guidance as to what flavors work well together and what flavors do not.  My personal favorite is blueberry-peach pie!  Yummy!

One last possibility is that Bethany is aware of the rules and trying to sneak around them.  If this is the case, you need to have a frank talk with your granddaughter about good sportsmanship and fair play...and then tell her that she is on her own in finding a Bake-Off winning recipe until she shows a better sense of character.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Pregnant Teenage Neighbor Has Mother Worried For Her Own Daughter

[Editor's Note: The pseudonym "Jezebel" was chosen by the letter writer; the pseudonym"Carrie" was chosen by Tazi.]

Dear Tazi:

My daughter "Carrie" is seventeen. I have done my best to raise her with solid, Christian morals that are lacking in today's world. Carrie has always been a good girl, who has never given me a lick of trouble, but I am concerned about the kind of influence the girl across the street is on her.

Carrie's best friend "Jezebel" is not the good Christian girl my daughter is, as evidenced by her unplanned, pre-marital pregnancy. Jezebel's mother is thrilled that she is going to be a Grandma, and cannot stop beaming about this horrendous news. I have heard from Carrie that Jezebel's mother is redecorating a wing of her house to create a suite for Jezebel, the baby's father, and their bastard child. She is also talking about hiring a nanny to assist with the care of the child so Jezebel can finish high school and go to college.

Tazi, I have always warned my Carrie that premarital sex is an abomination in the eyes of the Lord, and would result in pregnancy, which would result in a life of poverty. In one fell swoop, Jezebel's mother has destroyed all that I have tried to teach my daughter! I have informed Carrie that if she were to come home pregnant not to expect the same welcome that Jezebel has received from her mother. I have told Carrie she is no longer allowed to hang out with Jezebel.

My husband travels frequently for work, so he is not here to assist me with Carrie; raising a child alone is hard enough when you are married! Knowing this, I have altered Carrie's allowance structure. She still gets the same $100/week, but only $20 of it in cash and the rest is on a prepaid debit card. This way, I can track her purchases and see what she is buying. (Condoms? Birth control pills? An abortion?). Carrie is upset about this change, saying it is proof that I do not trust her to behave, and my husband thinks I am over-reacting; both argue that I have raised Carrie to be a certain kind of woman, and that she is not going to turn her back on that upbringing. I, however, am not convinced. Carrie suggested that I write to you, and we have agreed to abide by your decision. Tazi, am I over-reacting?

Signed,
High Moral Mom

Dear High Moral Mom:

Your decision to raise Carrie to believe in an angry, vengeful God over a loving, forgiving God is your business - not your neighbors' business, so please climb down off of your high horse and stop judging them because they do not conform to your standards; let go of your anger over your neighbor's decision to support her daughter in her time of need, to welcome the birth of her first grandchild. Would you rather see the young couple dropping out of school, living in an inner-city apartment, and collecting welfare just to prove a point to your daughter? This does not sound like a very Christian attitude!

You cannot isolate your daughter from the world, so you must trust that you raised her well enough that she will want to make you proud and be the type of person you raised her to become. Jezebel (did you really have to call her that?) is going to need all the love and support she can get during a time that is bound to be stressful. However, between completing her senior year of high school, studying for her SAT's, giving birth, applying for colleges, and caring for a newborn I doubt she is going to have a whole lot of free time to hang out with her friends. Seeing this may be enough to reinforce that which you have taught your daughter about the side effects of having sex.

Your decision to keep a closer eye on Carrie's spending is one I can get behind, if only because I believe that a parent should monitor their children's spending habits, in order to help them learn responsible spending habits. Since a debit card cannot be used everywhere, and can be inconvenient for small purchases, Carrie should have some money in her pocket. It is your reasoning for switching Carrie's allowance from all cash to minimal cash and a prepaid card is, to put it bluntly, insulting. If your daughter wanted to purchase any of the things you think she might be purchasing she would find a way to do it without alerting you, by either going through friends or squirreling away money each week. For the record, on $20 cash per week, she would have to save for the duration of her pregnancy to have an abortion, which makes this worry moot.

I think you need to dial back the control you seek to have over your daughter and have an open and honest conversation with her about the fact that she will soon be an adult, off at college and on her own. Will you give her the chance to show you that she is ready to accept the challenges of being a Christian adult in a secular world?

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Teenage Vegetarian Seeks Parental Acceptance For Her Choice

Dear Tazi:

I am seventeen and for many reasons I have decided to become a vegetarian. I am not certain if I want to go completely vegan, but I do not wish to see animals die for my meals any longer. When I told my mother this she responded that as long as I eat at her table I will eat what she serves and not argue about it. I figured I could get around this by simply not eating dinner when she serves meat, but she grounded me for wasting food! How am I the one wasting food when I tell her not to prepare a meat-based serving for me?

My father has been a bit more supportive, suggesting that I am going through a "teenage phase" and asking my Mom to "play along" until I "grow out of it". Tazi, this is not a phase! I will be off to college in another year and a half and I will be able to eat however I want, and a vegetarian diet is what I want. In fact, I am only looking at schools that offer vegetarian meal plans.

My decision to go vegetarian has caused a lot of stress around my dinner table. This was not my intent and would like to try and diffuse it, but it looks like the only way to do that is to give up my new lifestyle as a vegetarian and that is not an option. Can you think of any ways to get my mother to lay off on the meat? She serves it at almost every meal!

Signed,
Vegging In, Not Out

Dear Vegging In, Not Out:

For years now, medical science has touted the benefits of a well-balanced vegetarian diet. The key here is the term "well-balanced", which means your diet should include a combination of starchy and non-starchy vegetables, grains, and legumes (nuts, beans, and other protein rich plant-based foods. So often, people who decide to "go veg" do not do their homework and end up eating a poorly balanced diet that is deficient in many of the amino acids needed to build proteins - which are the building blocks of the enzymes your body needs to function!

I suggest that you ask your mother why she is so offended by your choice to eliminate animal flesh from your diet. If she is concerned that you will end up malnourished a trip to the doctor for a full check-up and a visit with a dietitian, who can show you all that you need to eat in order to achieve a balanced diet, will go far in assuaging her fears.

I only wish it was this easy!

If your mother is afraid that your new diet will be an additional burden on her, requiring her to make separate menus for every meal you need to make sure that this does not happen. It is very simple to ask your Mom to set aside a portion of a recipe before adding any meat to it; it is quite another to demand an entire meal be prepared separately for your needs, since there is no medical reason for your specialized diet. For example, if your mother is making spaghetti and meat sauce, ask her to set aside some of the sauce before adding the meat/meat juices; if she is making steak and potatoes, do not tell her that she needs to prepare a Tofurky for you. Rather, politely request that she not prepare a helping of steak for you and sit with your family and eat the parts of the meal that coincide with your dietary preferences.

If your mother's concern is that your vegetarian needs will be a burden on the family's grocery budget, offer to pay for the additional cost of your specialized foods. If your mother normally buys you beef hot dogs for $3.69 a package and tofu pups cost $3.99, offer to pay the difference in cost. Although 30-cents is not much, over the cost of an entire shopping trip the money really does add up fast!

Lastly, if your mother is afraid that you just don't like her cooking, reassure her that this is not the case; that the decision you have made to eschew meat is a deeply personal one. Try sharing your reasoning with her to help her understand that your decision is about you, not her, or anyone else for that matter. You may not be able to convince either of your parents that you are not going through a "teenage phase", but you may be able to convince them to be more accepting of your choice once they see you handling it in a mature and responsible manner.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. Another idea is to buy a vegetarian cookbook and offer to cook dinner for your family or ask your Mom to help you prepare some vegetarian recipes! Quality time is what the family dinner hour is all about!

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Teen Screams for Halloween; Mom Fears Mischief Is Afoot

Dear Tazi:

Halloween is approaching, and my 14-year-old daughter has informed me she would like to go trick 'o' treating this year, after taking last year off because it was "too babyish". She says she misses it, and would like to go again before she gets "too old to get free candy". I can't help but be suspicious that her goal is not to trick 'o' treat, but to meet up with her friends and cause some Halloween trouble.

When I asked her point-blank if this was her plan, she flew off the handle and accused me of not trusting her. Tazi-Kat, she is 14; and I clearly remember the things I said and did to try and fool my parents when I was that age. My daughter does not seem the type to start trouble, but then neither did I when I was 14. I do not want to judge my daughter by my past behavior; but I do not want to allow her to pull the wool over my eyes, either. Any suggestions on a happy medium, Tazi?

Signed,
Not the Wicked Witch!

Dear Not the Wicked Witch:

Fourteen is an age at which your daughter is being torn between two lives - the childhood that has slipped away from her and the adult world that is fast approaching. It is a difficult time to for anyone to navigate, especially the people going through it.

Fourteen is also a little too old to be trick 'o' treating, and my cat instincts tell me that your instincts are right on the money. A happy medium would be a compromise in the form of a Halloween get-together for your daughter and her friends. You do not have to host a party at your house, but do think of an activity that a group of 14-year-olds would enjoy, while keeping in mind that it is a weekend. Halloween is on a Friday this year, which means a weekend of mischief may be afoot for bored teens!

An evening of Rock 'n' Bowl is always fun, and I am certain the local alleys will have something going on for Halloween night. Roller-rinks can also be a great hang-out that will provide fun for all, and mischief for none. If you would like, you could also host a small gathering in your home (and provide lots and lots of Halloween candy, so your daughter does not feel deprived of her treats).

If, in the end, your daughter is adamant about going trick 'o' treating, check with your neighbors to see if any of them need a responsible teenaged girl to escort their younger children through the neighborhood; and exert your parental authority: let your daughter know that her options have all been presented, and she can take them - and spend an enjoyable Halloween with friends or trick 'o' treating, as she wanted - or leave them, and spend the night at home.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Overprotective Parent Must Ease Up, Allow Children To Have A Childhood

Dear Tazi:

When I was a child, I was very accident prone.  I would “trip over air” as my mother put it.  Because of my numerous trips to the emergency room child services kept a close eye on my home; the concern was appreciated, but unnecessary.  Now that I am an adult I am a parent myself, and I am extra careful with my children – perhaps too careful.

I realize that times have changed and that child protection has improved since I was a kid – it is now a crime to fail to report suspected child abuse – and I am scared to death of losing my children because they fell out of their tree-house or hurt themselves skateboarding.  Because of this, I have not allowed my children to have a tree-house or to play in their friends trees; nor have I allowed them to skateboard or roller-blade or enjoy any of the childhood pastimes that I enjoyed when I was their age. 

My wife and I argue regularly about how much caution is too much caution to take; she says that we should let our children be children, that a certain amount of risk is healthy and will help them to grow into well-adjusted adults ready to take on the world.  I want to agree with my wife, but I live in fear of that knock on the door from child services and the thought of my children being removed from our home until after we clear investigation.  Yesterday, I lost my temper when I learned that my wife allowed our four year old to play on the monkey bars at the playground.  What if she had fallen?  Am I correct in thinking that my wife takes too many chances with our children’s physical safety?  Or is she right in thinking that I am being overprotective?  Sometimes I wonder.

Signed,

Protective Papa

Dear Protective Papa:

Although I am not a parent, I can understand you plight.  No parent wants to see their child hurt, but I have to agree with your wife on this one; it appears that you may be stunting your children’s development with your overprotective ways.  A child will never learn how to pick him or herself up off the ground (literally or figuratively) if they are never allowed to fall.

Personally, I think you are giving your children far too little credit.  Unless they completely lack any kind of physical strength and coordination they should be able to climb a ladder into a tree-house or scamper across the monkey bars at the playground.  Both of these constructs are generally built less than ten feet off the ground, so on the chance that a child should fall the drop will not be all that great (remember than you must subtract your child’s dangling height from the length of the drop).

The next time your children seek to indulge in a childhood pastime that you fear will cause injury, ask yourself: “Did I do this as a kid?  Did I suffer a life-threatening injury from it?  Did I survive to adulthood without incurring permanent damage?”  So long as you answer yes/no/yes in that order, I do not see why your children should be denied the same opportunity – so long as they are wearing the proper protective gear (i.e. pads and a helmet for skateboarding) and the activity does not involve the careless risks of youth – there will be time enough for that kind of stuff when they are teenagers.  In the meantime, give your children the gift of a childhood worth remembering.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Woman Hopes For a Future With Man With A Past

Dear Tazi:

I met a wonderful guy at a Labor Day party hosted by a friend. He is everything I have been looking for in a man, but there is a problem. "Matt" is a Level 1 registered sex offender. Several years ago, while still in his twenties, he had a sexual relationship with a fourteen year old girl. She got pregnant, and when Matt refused to pay for an abortion (it is against his moral beliefs) her parents pressed criminal charges against him. He was convicted, and spent a year in jail; with nine years suspended. He will be on parole until 2016.

Matt swears to me that the girl in question did not look fourteen, swore she was twenty, and that had he known the truth he would never have had sex with her. I believe him, because he seems like such a sincere guy and we did meet through a mutual friend whom I respect; but I am concerned because I have a young daughter (she is eleven). I have yet to introduce Matt to my daughter, or any of my family members. I also have not told anyone about Matt's past, because I feel that it his story to tell, not mine.

My friend tells me that Matt is a great guy, but that if she had a young daughter she would not be hanging out with him. My friend is divorced with no children, so she has no problem finding a date. She doesn't know how difficult it is for a single mother to find a good man. A part of me thinks my friend is jealous of my budding romance with Matt, but another part of me thinks she is trying to look out for me. I am so confused, Tazi!

Signed,
Looking For Love...In All The Wrong Places?

Dear Looking for Love...:

I am going to start by addressing your unwillingness to disclose Matt's past to anyone, because you feel it is "his story to tell". If you were to bring Matt to your home, I am certain that your neighbors with young children might not feel the same way about your silence. So long as Matt is on parole, he is required to meet certain guidelines, which may include staying away from children and the places that they gather. Before setting your sights on a future with this man, you need to investigate his past - and the conditions of his parole - much more thoroughly.

A Level 1 sex offender is at a very low risk of re-offending, and cases such as Matt's often fall under this classification. A Level 1 sex offender is not considered to be a predator; but as a parent your job is to put the safety of your daughter first. If I were you, I would hesitate to introduce Matt to her until you are certain that you know him as a person and that he is someone with whom you wish to build a future. This is good advice to any single parent who dates, but especially since you are dating someone who comes with a questionable past.

Matt may very well be a "wonderful guy" now, but there was a time that he was willing to have a purely sexual relationship with a person whose real age he did not know; and I am inclined to believe that he did not try very hard to find out anything more than what was beneath her clothes. A fourteen year old may "look" twenty, but as soon as they open their mouths their education and maturity levels will show. A conversation about where they went to school, who they grew up with, what kind of music they listened to and the like can reveal much about a person's true age.

From the timeline you provide, it appears that Matt is now in his thirties. I do not believe in punishing someone for a past that they have left behind them, so you have my blessing to give this relationship a chance - so long as you listen to your friend's advice. At this point in time, she knows this man better than you; until you know Matt on a deeper level - which takes time and patience - I would take the relationship slowly. If Matt is as wonderful as you say he is, he will understand and allow you to set the pace of the relationship.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

In Old Age, Neglectful Father Reaps What He Has Sown

Ed. Note: This letter was edited for length and content. Left out was the reader's comment that she suggested her father sell his house and move in with her; he refused, and called her a "selfish, ungrateful brat of a child". I hope this clarifies my response. --T.K.

Dear Tazi:

I have tried my whole life to win my father’s love and respect, but the problem is one that I could never resolve. He has never gotten over his disappointment that I was born a girl. When I was a child he used to dress me in gender neutral clothing and take me to the playground, where he would encourage me to play sports with the boys. As I got older, he saw that I was enrolled in Little League baseball and the community basketball team. Thankfully, both sports were co-ed, so I was able to fit in with my peers and my mother never objected because she believed sports were good exercise and that team sports would make me a well-rounded person.

By the time I reached junior high, I was tired of androgynous clothing and team sports. I wanted to wear skirts and dresses and try out for the cheerleading squad. I did all of that, and that was the last my father ever paid any attention to me. Over the years, I have tried reaching out to him but it was never any good; I could not do anything right. If he was walking the dog and I offered to go with him he would refuse me, saying the dog would act up in front of me because he liked to show off in front of people. If he was washing the car and I offered to help, he told me it was easier to do it himself. No matter what I tried, it never worked, so I finally gave up and accepted the fact that I had lost my father for good. The last time I saw him was a few years ago at my mother’s funeral.

I am now in my thirties and my father is in his seventies and in failing health. Out of the blue he called me and asked me to move home to be with him because he can no longer live alone and does not want to go into a nursing home or pay for an assisted living facility. Although I am single, I own my own home and have a very fulfilling life in my own community, which is about a two hour drive from my father’s house.

Being an only child of late-in-life parents, a part of me feels like I am obligated to honor my father’s wises; but the larger part of me wants nothing to do with him! He pushed me away when I finally got up the nerve to act like a girl instead of a tomboy, and now that he is old and failing he wants me to come play nursemaid to him. It has taken me a long time and a lot of counseling to accept our distant relationship, and I do not wish to upset the fragile balance I have achieved; but I am afraid that if I refuse his request I will have regrets when he is gone.

Signed,
Orphan Annie
Dear Orphan Annie:

You have both my sympathies and my understanding over your tenuous relationship with your father. He strikes me as a selfish man who, rather than pay someone to assist him (like a visiting nurse), would rather take advantage of the child he rejected.

Some men have difficulty relating to their daughters which can come off as a lack of caring, but it appears that your fathers issues run deeper than that. By dressing you in gender neutral clothing and sending you off to play with the boys it appears that he was indulging in some warped fantasy that you were, indeed, the son for whom he had hoped. Only now that his life is nearing its end does he wish for you to embrace the traditional female role of personal nurse, and that is only so he can save some money that he will…what? Pass on to you when he dies? Money is best spent while we are still living, so if he has the means I would suggest that he consider hiring a visiting nurse or look into an assisted living facility.

Your father’s gross ignorance of your life outside of him can be forgiven considering the fact that he probably was unaware of it; however, it is up to you to explain to him why you will not – and cannot – drop everything to come live with him. This is the only thing you are obligated to do for him. Do not feel guilty for not honoring your relationship to him, for there is no relationship with him to honor.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Personal Views On Santa Claus Have Mom At Odds With American Traditions

Dear Tazi-Kat:

I am a devout Catholic woman, and the mother of a three-and-a-half year old daughter. I have taught her the story of Christmas, but not of Santa Claus; rather, I have shared the history of St. Nicholas, Bishop of Myra (the man upon whom Santa Claus is loosely based).

This year, "Jillian" started attending pre-school/day-care a few days a week and I have noticed that many of the children are started to ger excited about a visit from "Santa". At three-and-a-half, I realize that my daughter is too young to spill the beans to these children that Santa Claus is not real, but I am concerned about what to tell her if she starts asking me about Santa Claus. Furthermore, I am concerned that she will repeat whatever I tell her to her classmates, and I do not want other parents to be upset with me or Jillian for ending the tradition for their children. However, I simply will not have my child believing in such nonsense!

My husband says that I am worrying about a bridge that will not be crossed this year, but I know that by next year Jillian's speech will have developed enough that she will be better able to voice her thoughts. I would like to nip this whole Santa problem in the early stages, before the materialism that has taken over Christmas takes a hold of her; my husband says to let it go for now. What do you think we should do, Tazi-Kat?

Signed,
Mary, Mother Of Jillian

Dear Mary, Mother Of Jillian:

Although it is admirable that you seek to teach your daughter the true, religious meaning behind Christmas; you must understand that not everybody celebrates with the purity that you celebrate. You call the tradition of Santa Claus "nonsense", and you are well within your right to an opinion; but many would disagree with you. I fall somewhere in between, taking the Willy Wonka view that "a little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men".

At three-and-a-half, your daughter is very impressionable, so I can understand your concerns that her views on Christmas will be warped by the materialism that Santa Claus has come to represent in our American society. Should your daughter express confusion over Santa Claus, explain to her that not all people believe the same things as you and her Daddy; and that not everyone celebrates their December holidays with Santa Claus. This should be enough to convey to her that Santa is not a part of your celebration, while preventing her from ending the tradition for other children. If your daughter's pre-school is a secular one, she probably has classmates of various, non-Christian faiths; so she will not be the only one who does not celebrate with Santa, and should not feel singled out of the crowd.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Bathroom Privacy Becomes An Issue Once Children Come Along

Dear Tazi:

I am the mother of two and a half year old twin girls. They are old enough to run around and get in trouble, and big enough to climb out of their crib without getting hurt. I am a stay-at-home Mom, so some days the only moment I have to myself is when I have to use the bathroom. I have always closed the door when I do my business and value my privacy in this area.

My husband “Marc” came home one day this week for lunch to find the girls playing quietly while I was in the bathroom relieving myself. He flipped out on my for leaving the girls unattended, and has demanded that I never leave them unattended again; that it only takes a moment for a child to get into life-threatening danger. Although I am not comfortable with having an audience while I use the bathroom, I agreed to Marc’s request, simply because it was easier than arguing.

This weekend I came home from grocery shopping to find almost the exact same scene that Marc had walked in on earlier in the week! The girls were quietly playing while he was in the bathroom with the door closed – and locked. I just about went through the roof on him for his hypocrisy, when he defended his actions by saying it is inappropriate for young girls to see a man naked below the waist. For this reason, he thinks that he should be excused from his very own rule that affects my bathroom privacy.

When I pressed Marc on this issue, he reiterated that it would be inappropriate for the girls to see him using the toilet, and that people may misunderstand them should the girls talk about what they see. I could not believe that my husband is trying to imply that people might think he is molesting our children, and that is why he should be allowed bathroom privacy. I am just disgusted, and have no intention of doing as Marc wants until he follows his own rule.

Tazi, am I being unreasonable, as my husband has suggested? I don’t think I am putting my children at risk; but what if I am?

Signed,
Private Pottier

Dear Private Pottier:

Your husband’s excuse as to why he will not follow his own bathroom rule is pathetic, at best, and scary at worst. The fact that he fears people might think he is molesting his own children makes me wonder why he would think such paranoid thoughts. Was he molested as a child, or in any way related to a child molester (family, baby sitter, or neighbor)? As for his argument that a young girl should not see a man naked below the waist, I have news for him: by the time she is five years old, she will probably be curious enough to “show hers” if a boy will “show his”. This behavior is in no way, shape, or form sexual; it is simply part of the natural curiosity that all children possess.

By suggesting that nudity is somehow forbidden or shameful your husband is sending a mixed message to your toddlers (I am certain that he sees them naked at bath time and changing time). I suggest that you both teach your children proper bathroom etiquette, including your feelings on nudity, which seem to fall along the lines that our naked bodies are to be kept private (and this is a perfectly acceptable view). This is also the perfect opportunity to educate your children the difference between good touching and bad touching, as well as the physical differences between boys’ bodies and girls’ bodies. You do not have to get too intimate; just explain that boys have different parts than girls.


Just in case there was any confusion
Now, regarding the closed bathroom door policy in your house: Your husband is correct that “it only takes a moment for a child to get into life-threatening danger”, which is why I suggest you toddler-proof your house if this step has not already been taken. Your next step should be to educate your daughters on how to behave while you are in the bathroom and unable to watch them. Since they have been “playing quietly” on both occasions that you mention, you can offer them a small reward for their good behavior (a cookie or other special treat). These steps should greatly reduce the chance of injury during the two to five minutes you take to relieve yourself.

In the end, if your husband still insists that the door be left open while you are in the bathroom, try to honor his request in order to keep the peace. In a few short years you will have your privacy back, as your daughters will be begging you to close the door when you are in the bathroom.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Husband And Wife Clash In Potty-Training Battle

Dear Tazi:

I am ready to lose my mind! I have a wonderful daughter who is almost three years old. She is on track or exceeding all of her milestones with one exception: she refuses to toilet train. I have tried bribing her with rewards, punishing her by leaving her in a dirty diaper for longer than normal, forcing her to use the potty and pretending the potty is no big deal – all to no avail.

A large part of my problem in getting “Jennifer” to potty train is my husband. He does not think we should push Jennifer if she is not ready to potty train; however, he is also not home during the day and he frequently travels for work, leaving me alone with Jennifer for days at a time. Being tied to my daughter so much is starting to give me “Mommy brain”. I need more stimulation than Mommy and Me classes but can not leave Jennifer with a babysitter; my husband will not pay for the expense and I am a stay-at-home Mom, so all my cash comes from his paycheck. Although generous, he requests that I account for the money I spend.

I would like to enroll Jennifer in pre-school; but in order to do that she must be potty-trained, which would mean going against my husband’s directive not to push her. What do you think I should do, Tazi? Should I defy my husband? Or just wait and hope that our daughter will eventually potty train on her own?

Signed,
Trapped

Dear Trapped:

Your signature speaks volumes, as does your question as to whether or not you should “defy” your husband. Considering that your husband is not around much of the time, Jennifer’s care falls upon you. At “almost three” the time to potty train is now. The older she gets the more difficult it will become, as she will become more resistant to change.

I will suggest a method that is recommended by family psychologist John Rosemond, a parenting expert. He calls this method “Naked and $75”. The $75 will be the cost to get your rugs cleaned; the "naked" refers to the method of getting your child to potty train.

Mr. Donahue suggests that you remove your child’s bottom layers of clothing – including the diaper (you can let them wear a long shirt). That is pretty much it for your part! When your daughter says that she has to go to the bathroom, direct her to the bathroom and her potty chair and instruct her to use it. You will probably be met with resistance and “accidents” on your rugs, but no creature – human or otherwise – likes to relieve themselves onto their living space. Should Jennifer have an accident, you can have her assist you in cleaning it up and depositing it into the toilet and flushing. Within two weeks, she should have received the message that the potty is the place to relieve yourself.

This is Tazi again! I have also heard that offering a child a reward of panties with their favorite cartoon character on them is a great motivator. If your daughter is into Disney princesses, you can tell her she can wear Disney Princess underwear once she is potty trained. If she is into rufflebutts, you can coax her with big-girl ruffled panties. The key to this method is follow-through – once your daughter shows that she will consistently use the potty you must produce the reward.

As for your husband’s thoughts on this matter: If he feels that Jennifer is being “pushed” into potty training, inform him that while he is home it will be HIS job to change any and all dirty diapers, regardless of how tired, busy, etc. he is. You can then watch how fast he changes his mind about what is best for your daughter.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Attractive Daughter Receiving More Attention Than Dad Would Like

Dear Tazi:

I am the father of a very attractive, very well-developed 16-year-old girl. As if my daughter's stunning good looks were not enough to worry me, she is also very popular due to her sweet personality and the many extra-curricular activities in which she participates in and out of school.

Her mother and I have worked to raise her right, and keep her on a moral path; and thus far, I'd like to think we have done a good job. My concern is her social networking habits. "Staci" has a habit of Facebook friending everyone she has ever met, and encourages people to "follow" her on Twitter. Even though she does not post too much personal information to these sites, she is fond of posting pictures of the many events she attends - school dances, football games, work sites for Habitat for Humanity (she volunteers with them one weekend a month). These pictures - aside from providing a permanent online record - give people details as to her whereabouts, making it easy for her to be found when she is offline.

As far as I am concerned, inviting someone to "follow" you is an open invitation to stalk you, and I am concerned that some of the boys she has "friended" are starting to do just that. In particular, one young man that she met at the beach this summer has shown up at every one of her school's events, and is now volunteering for Habitat. Although I admire his school spirit and commitment to helping those in need, I cannot help but think his motives have more to do with dating my daughter than with improving his chances of getting into a good college.

Staci's Mom thinks I am over-reacting, and has pointed out that our daughter is a very responsible young woman with admirable Internet habits. She has never given us an ounce of trouble; but it is not my daughter's behavior that concerns me - it is that of those who follow her, online and in person. Staci has a close (male) friend who she has known since babyhood and that I trust implicitly. She is like a little sister to him, and I would like to ask him to keep an eye on my daughter, and on those who are keeping their eyes on her. Would this request be unreasonable?

Signed,
Overprotective Dad?

Dear Overprotective Dad?:

First let me say that your daughter is a lucky young woman to have two such caring parents that balance each other so well. Keep up the good work!

I also have to say that your comment that inviting people to follow you on Twitter is an open invitation to stalk you is a bit extreme, especially since your daughter's postings seem pretty innocuous. [Ed. Note: The writer included a link to his daughter's social networking pages]. She is not updating her status every time she leaves a room, so it would be pretty difficult for someone to stalk her, considering she only updates her status twice a day (on average). Someone who is merely smitten with your daughter would probably be content to sigh over such postings; but a stalker would definitely seek more, and such behavior would be quite noticeable.

With regard to the boy who has suddenly developed a social conscience and a sense of school spirit, so long as his behavior does not escalate - and he is actively participating in the events and projects for which he has signed up - I see no problem with his intentions. Many men have gone to extremes in their attempts to court a lady; so be glad that this young man's attempts are resulting in a greater good.

As for asking your daughter's platonic male friend act as her bodyguard, this may not be necessary. If he looks upon your daughter like he would a "little sister" you can be certain that he is already keeping an eye on Staci, and on those who are keeping eyes on her. There is no need to formally request such protection.

Teen's Room Is Her Domain, So Remain "com", Mom

Dear Tazi:

My sweet, beautiful, talented, and pleasant daughter is driving me up a wall! Yes, she is a teenager. Could that have gone without saying? On most fronts, "Eleanor" is the perfect child - and I am not just saying that because I am her Mom! She stays out of trouble, dresses appropriately for her age, gets excellent grades in school, is involved in extra-curricular activities and sports, is popular without being a "mean girl", and even volunteers at the local animal shelter on Saturday mornings. In fact, it was she who suggested I write to you, and we have both agreed to abide by your advice.

My problem with Eleanor is her bedroom. It is an absolute pigsty, and this is in complete contrast to the rest of my home, which is neat as a pin. At any one point in time, half of her clothes are on the floor in what she calls "laundry piles"; I cannot see the top of her dresser for all the papers, books, and accessories littering it; her bed is never made; and I will not even begin to tell you about her closet, as mere words cannot describe the dumping ground that it is.

I realize that my daughter's busy schedule demands a great deal of her time and energy, so the last thing she wants to do when she gets home is clean; but her bedroom is just so far out of hand! The more I beg her to clean it up, the worse it gets. In spite of her protests that she is not, I think she is doing this to spite me. My daughter claims that it is her room and she should be able to keep it the way she wants; but I counter that it is in my house, and I want the room clean. What do you think, Tazi? Which of us is right?

Signed,
Debra the Harried Mom

Dear Debra-Harried:

I can understand your frustration completely! If it were up to me, my litter-boxes would be cleaned and freshened after my every use; whereas my Mommie feels that a once-a-day cleaning and sanitizing should suffice. This brings me to the detail that you left out of your letter: Is your daughter's room dirty? Not just messy, but dirty?  Does she leave dishes with food stuck on them lying around, or sticky glasses, or other things that would attract ants or other bugs? Does her room emit an unpleasant odor that is stinking up the rest of the house? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then she has crossed the line from messy to dirty and her room should be cleaned immediately for the health of the entire household.  Feel free to revoke her priviliges until this happens. 

On the other hand, your daughter's argument that her room is her personal space is a valid one. I realize that it is your house, but this one corner of it is space that you have given to her to have as her own. It is her personal domain; the place where she can decompress and "let it all hang out".  If she chooses to keep this space in disarray then she is the one who has to live in disarray, not you. If you cannot stand the sight of her mess, just close the bedroom door and pretend that it is not there. Sooner or later, she will get sick of her own surroundings and clean the place. She will also run out of clean laundry, and be forced to clean up the piles on the floor and organize her closet.   [One caveat: Do not allow her to burn candles, incense, or anything with a flame.  This could create a fire hazard].

You say that you "beg" her to clean her room. Are you sure that you are begging and not nagging? The two may seem similar, but to the person on the receiving end they are vastly different; and whereas the first will generally elicit sympathy, the second will result in your daughter stubbornly digging in her heels and refusing to clean just to spite you. Letting her be may result in her abiding by your wishes sooner, rather than later.

I realize this advice may be hard for you to accept, so I can offer an extreme alternative: embarrassment. The next time your daughter's friends show up at the door, invite them in and tell them that she is "up in her room" and send them in to see her. To a teenager, nothing is worse than the disapproval of their peers; so if her friends are horrified by the mess their reaction just might inspire her to turn into Martha Stewart.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Differing Tastes, Parenting Styles Making Mountains Out Of Molehills

Dear Tazi:

I am the mother of a toddler. In a world full of violence, I would like to keep my child shielded from evil for as long as possible. I monitor what little television I allow "Eddie" to watch, keep educational DVD's on-hand for his entertainment, and do my best to limit his exposure to roughhousing that occurs on the playground and in other public areas. The one problem I am having is occurring in my own home, with my husband's taste in movies.

"Rick" has a preference for violent horror movies that turn my stomach. I refuse to watch the absolute garbage that he calls entertainment, and ask that he not view these materials during Eddie's waking hours. Rick feels that I am raising Eddie to be "a complete and total wuss", but has honored my request not to watch his gruesome movies when there is a chance Eddie could walk in on him, as he agrees that "R-rated" movies are inappropriate for young children. Because of this, Rick watches his movies late at night before bed. It can get rather late before the movies end, so Rick has developed a habit of simply turning off the TV and going to bed without taking his DVD out of the player.

A few nights ago, I went out with my girlfriends and left Eddie and Rick at home to have some father-son bonding time. Rick told me that they had watched some of Eddie's Baby Bumblebee DVD's and had a fun evening together before putting Eddie to bed for the night. I thought this meant that the Baby Bumblebee DVD's were the only thing viewed that night. I was wrong.

Eddie woke up in the middle of the night, upset that I had been out at bedtime, so I hugged and snuggled him; but he would not go back to sleep. I carried him out to the living room to view his DVD and was shocked to discover that my husband had left a Quentin Tarantino movie in the DVD player! My innocent child was exposed to machine guns, blood, and profanity! Thankfully, it was only a few seconds until I was able to stop the DVD and shield Eddie - who did not seem to notice what was going on - but the damage was done. Rick cannot understand why I am so angry with him! How difficult would it have been for him to remove his DVD and put our son's DVD back into the player?

Rick says I am over-reacting and being a control freak; I say that Rick is being a lackadaisical parent. My concern is making sure an episode like this never happens again. I am tempted to ban violent movies from our home, but Rick has already said he would not abide by such a rule. What is your opinion, Tazi?

Signed,
Concerned Parent

Dear Concerned Parent:

The issue at hand appears to be more than just a difference in opinion between you and your husband; but a difference in parenting styles. Your husband has agreed to compromise in order to balance his personal interests with the well-being of your child, and it appears that this dynamic has been working well. You mention that Rick has a habit of leaving his DVD's in the DVD player; have you developed the habit of double-checking the DVD player to see what is actually in it before turning it on? You do so much to shield your son from real-world violence, I would not think this one small step (just the push of a button) would be too much to consider in order to keep the peace in your home.

Banning violent movies from your home is not the answer. Your husband's tastes in movies may not reflect your own, but to tell him he cannot bring these movies into his own home is to treat him like a child. In a healthy marriage, both members are equal partners with an equal say in matters. You are Rick's wife - not his mother, so it would be in the best interest of your marriage not to try and discipline him.

You say that your son did not seem to notice the few seconds of the violent movie that played, and I am inclined to believe that he was too tired to notice anything more than his Mama's arms around him. I would not fret that this incident will be the ruination of your son's innocence. Furthermore, rather than blame your husband, use this incident as a lesson to never assume - as the expression goes, it makes an "ass" out of "u and me".

A simple, inexpensive solution that would guarantee an incident like this one will never occur again would be to buy a second DVD player dedicated solely for your child's movies. DVD players can be purchased for less than $50; the expense could be considered an investment in your child's well-being. You could even label it "EDDIE'S DVD PLAYER" so there would be no confusion as to which player is which. I'll close by saying that I believe the more important issue at hand is for you and your husband to get onto the same page when it comes to parenting your child. Your local community center may be able to assist with some low-cost or free parenting classes.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.