Bathroom Privacy Becomes An Issue Once Children Come Along

Dear Tazi:

I am the mother of two and a half year old twin girls. They are old enough to run around and get in trouble, and big enough to climb out of their crib without getting hurt. I am a stay-at-home Mom, so some days the only moment I have to myself is when I have to use the bathroom. I have always closed the door when I do my business and value my privacy in this area.

My husband “Marc” came home one day this week for lunch to find the girls playing quietly while I was in the bathroom relieving myself. He flipped out on my for leaving the girls unattended, and has demanded that I never leave them unattended again; that it only takes a moment for a child to get into life-threatening danger. Although I am not comfortable with having an audience while I use the bathroom, I agreed to Marc’s request, simply because it was easier than arguing.

This weekend I came home from grocery shopping to find almost the exact same scene that Marc had walked in on earlier in the week! The girls were quietly playing while he was in the bathroom with the door closed – and locked. I just about went through the roof on him for his hypocrisy, when he defended his actions by saying it is inappropriate for young girls to see a man naked below the waist. For this reason, he thinks that he should be excused from his very own rule that affects my bathroom privacy.

When I pressed Marc on this issue, he reiterated that it would be inappropriate for the girls to see him using the toilet, and that people may misunderstand them should the girls talk about what they see. I could not believe that my husband is trying to imply that people might think he is molesting our children, and that is why he should be allowed bathroom privacy. I am just disgusted, and have no intention of doing as Marc wants until he follows his own rule.

Tazi, am I being unreasonable, as my husband has suggested? I don’t think I am putting my children at risk; but what if I am?

Signed,
Private Pottier

Dear Private Pottier:

Your husband’s excuse as to why he will not follow his own bathroom rule is pathetic, at best, and scary at worst. The fact that he fears people might think he is molesting his own children makes me wonder why he would think such paranoid thoughts. Was he molested as a child, or in any way related to a child molester (family, baby sitter, or neighbor)? As for his argument that a young girl should not see a man naked below the waist, I have news for him: by the time she is five years old, she will probably be curious enough to “show hers” if a boy will “show his”. This behavior is in no way, shape, or form sexual; it is simply part of the natural curiosity that all children possess.

By suggesting that nudity is somehow forbidden or shameful your husband is sending a mixed message to your toddlers (I am certain that he sees them naked at bath time and changing time). I suggest that you both teach your children proper bathroom etiquette, including your feelings on nudity, which seem to fall along the lines that our naked bodies are to be kept private (and this is a perfectly acceptable view). This is also the perfect opportunity to educate your children the difference between good touching and bad touching, as well as the physical differences between boys’ bodies and girls’ bodies. You do not have to get too intimate; just explain that boys have different parts than girls.


Just in case there was any confusion
Now, regarding the closed bathroom door policy in your house: Your husband is correct that “it only takes a moment for a child to get into life-threatening danger”, which is why I suggest you toddler-proof your house if this step has not already been taken. Your next step should be to educate your daughters on how to behave while you are in the bathroom and unable to watch them. Since they have been “playing quietly” on both occasions that you mention, you can offer them a small reward for their good behavior (a cookie or other special treat). These steps should greatly reduce the chance of injury during the two to five minutes you take to relieve yourself.

In the end, if your husband still insists that the door be left open while you are in the bathroom, try to honor his request in order to keep the peace. In a few short years you will have your privacy back, as your daughters will be begging you to close the door when you are in the bathroom.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Woman Considers Flushing Relationship Over Bathroom Odors

Dear Tazi:

I have a problem so embarrassing I don't dare ask anyone I know! My boyfriend, "Clyde" and I recently moved in together as a prelude to getting engaged. We want to make certain that our living habits are compatible before we make such an important (and pricey) commitment to each other.

Clyde and I are compatible in so many ways, and for the most part we enjoy living together. However, there is one problem that I just can't seem to get past and I am not certain if I will ever be able to get past it. I would hate for this to be what ends an otherwise wonderful relationship; but I cannot see myself living this way, either. My problem has to do with Clyde's bathroom habits.

Clyde is a big meat eater, and bacon is his absolute favorite food. Because Clyde does not get a lot of fiber in his diet, things tend to "back up" in his system until he unloads it all at once. If you are getting the picture I am trying to paint, you will be able to understand just how awful the bathroom smells when he is done in there. It is seriously bad enough to knock you to your knees. (Do cats have knees?).

Adding to the issue is Clyde's absolute refusal to use an air-freshening spray after he has finished his business. He insists that sprays simply cover up the odor while putting chemicals into the air, and that by turning on the bathroom fan the problem takes care of itself. I beg to differ, Tazi. I once entered the bathroom a full 15 minutes later and the room still had a malodorous smell about it; and even when the smell has dissipated, the bathroom still does not smell fresh.

Clyde has suggested we burn organic candles in the bathroom, but I am not comfortable with the idea of leaving a flame (open or in a jar) unattended; and the candle has to be actively burning for a while in order to combat the bad bathroom smells. Do you have any ideas on how to solve this problem?

Signed,
Holding My Nose

Dear Holding My Nose:

You do paint a vivid picture of an embarrassing problem, and it seems that you and Clyde are at an impasse. Whether this issue is one to end your relationship over is entirely up to you; but personally, I think it rather petty. Seriously, how often does Clyde stink up the bathroom?

I can understand how Clyde does not wish to release chemicals into the air as well as your desire not to leave a lit flame unattended. There are other options available, though. Some air-freshening sprays (like Lysol or Febreeze) kill germs as well as freshen the air, giving the bathroom a disinfecting with every use. Considering your description of what Clyde does in there, this option gets my vote! If you want to go organic (which Lysol and Febreeze technically are since, in chemical terms, "organic" means "carbon based"), it may be trickier to combine disinfecting with air-freshening. Here are a few all-natural ways to absorb the odors, though:

• An open box of baking soda on a shelf (just remember that baking soda will also absorb moisture, so the bathroom may not be the best place for it)

• Vinegar with lemon juice will neutralize odors. You could put the mixture in a spray bottle to create a natural, homemade air-freshener

• Having houseplants helps reduce odors in the home by cycling the air

• Keep fresh coffee grounds on the counter (these may also absorb moisture, but not as quickly as baking soda)

• Simmer water and cinnamon or other spices in a potpourri warmer (the electric kind) or leave a small jar candle on an electric candle warmer, allowing the candle to "burn" flamelessly

Whatever you do, I hope that you and Clyde can work past this issue because if this is the biggest problem the two of you have to face as a couple, you should consider yourselves blessed!

-- Tazi-Kat

P.S. Yes, cats do have knees! They are on our hind legs, just like on humans, but on us it is called the "stifle". Here is a picture of a cat skeleton, and you can see them clear as day.

Even on the inside, we cats are a work of beauty!

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Wife Is Having Issues With The Lack Of "Litterbox" Privacy

Dear Tazi:

I am going to write this in terms you can understand, since cats and human have differing habits. I am a newlywed (six months married) and for some reason, every morning my husband "Joe" insists on barging in on me when I am "using my litterbox", if you know what I mean. He insists that he, too, needs to use the room where the "litterbox" is located to shave, shower, etc. and that since we are married we should not keep closed doors between us. I say that there is no quicker way to kill the romance of a relationship than seeing someone in such a private and undignified position.

Our "litterbox room" does not have a lock on the door, so I am unable to shut Joe out while I am doing my business. I have tried waking up 5 minutes earlier, but then Joe follows suit. I have tried taking a shower first, but then Joe waits until I am out of the shower and using the "litterbox" before barging in once again. This behavior has been going on since we returned from our honeymoon and for me that honeymoon is quickly fading as this rude and annoying habit takes hold. Any ideas on how to solve this issue, Tazi-Kat? Other than this, my marriage is good.

Signed,
Privacy, Please

Dear P.P.:

I must confess that, as a cat, I hate closed doors and will also barge in on people who are using the "flushable litterbox" just so the door will remain open and the room accessible. You are referring to your flushable litterbox in your letter, right?

Sorry, this seat is taken!

I can understand your desire for privacy while "doing your business", too, since I do not like when people watch me using my litterbox. For cats, it is a matter of personal defense - it is rather difficult to run from or attack a predator while you are in a squat position and unable to get out of it. For humans, it is a desire for privacy, which is something some people desire more than others.

If you have explained to your husband your desire for privacy during your personal waste-removal processes, and he has refused it, then it would seem that there is more to this than meets the eye. You say that your husband actually waits for you to start using your "litterbox" before barging in on you. Since your husband is not a young child who is afraid to be separated from its mother, this tells me that the problem is probably one of a few things:

Your husband is domineering, and likes the idea of being able to exert control over you by "attacking" at a moment you cannot defend yourself

Your husband has a warped sense of humor, and he finds your personal humiliation to be funny

Your husband has a fetish for what goes on when you are using the flushable litterbox.

All three of these possibilities are issues that should not be taken lightly, and not simply because they are invasive of your privacy. Over time, these issues could escalate. Although there is also the possibility that your husband does not suffer from any of the above issues, I would still recommend that the two of you speak with a counselor about his behavior. If your husband refuses to go with you, then go alone. Exploring this issue might help you learn to diffuse your reaction to your husband's inappropriate behavior - because it sounds like an adverse reaction is what your husband is seeking.

-- Tazi-Kat

The Elf On The Shelf Is Back...And Causing Mischief For One Family

Dear Tazi:

My husband is driving my crazy with his bathroom toilet seat antics! “Fred” has a bad habit of leaving the toilet seat and cover in the up position after use. I have told him that this is gross and unattractive for several reasons: it is unsanitary; it allows the dog to have a drink from his own private “wet bar”; and it tells people exactly what he was doing in there (#1 or #2) based upon the position of the seat. Fred just laughs off my reasoning.

I have tried putting a fancy, rug cover on top of the cover to weigh it down, so it will eventually close on its own, but Fred keeps taking it off and hiding it in various places around the house (last time, I found the cat sleeping in it!). I have tried a cute, embroidered sign that states “Put down the seat, ladies present! A wet behind is most unpleasant!” but Fred refuses to take the hint. Instead, he hung my bikini bottom from the towel rack with a note about “going swimming”.

Fred thinks his antics are funny, but they wear thin very quickly. It is his latest antics that have sent me over the top. Fred decided to dig through the Christmas decorations and pull out our two-year-old daughter’s Elf on the Shelf. Can you see where this is going, Tazi? Thus far, I have caught “Sparkle” holding a fishing pole over the bowl; sitting on the edge of the bowl and wearing a tiny SCUBA mask (Fred found it among my scrap-booking and shadowbox supplies); lounging on the edge of the bowl with a washcloth “beach towel” and more of my beach-themed scrap-booking and shadowbox supplies, including a tiki bar!

The final straw came this morning when I discovered the entire toilet seat missing and Sparkle sitting on the top of the tank, holding a ransom note that demanded “sexy time for Fred” before the seat would be returned. I thank Heavens my daughter is too young to read! Speaking of my daughter, she finds her “Elf’s” behavior to be hysterical and looks forward to seeing what he will do next. I am a busy Mom, and do not have the time to start Elf on the Shelf throughout the year traditions! I do not wish for Fred’s antics to set this precedent. I do want for Fred to start acting like a responsible adult and put the toilet seat and cover down when he is done using it! Do you have any ideas on how to make this happen, Tazi?

Signed,
All Wet

Dear All Wet:

Your daughter named a boy elf “Sparkle”? Do the other elves tease him about this? I’m sorry; this news just sent me a bit off track…on track to your issue – before the Elf “rears” his head again!

The time and effort that Fred is putting into the creativity he is using to annoy you tells me that this issue is more about having the upper hand and less about the placement of the toilet seat. I have to admit your “private ‘wet bar’” comment gave me a giggle, so I can only imagine how much it amused your husband. I am picturing the tiki bar scene now and wondering if I can somehow incorporate a more sanitary version into my family’s Elf traditions.

You are correct in saying that a closed toilet lid is more sanitary. With every flush, droplets of toilet water can spray up to 13 feet – which means your toothbrush might be getting doused with toilet water. Depending on how often you clean/freshen your bowl, you may be getting more than just water on your toiletries. Even if you clean the bowl regularly and use an in-tank germicide, these chemicals will be in the water and entering your pooch’s system every time he takes a drink from his “private ‘wet bar’”. Plus, you do have a point that nobody wants to know what was last occurring behind the closed bathroom door. Personally, I bury my waste so nobody can see what I was doing; humans have a toilet seat lid and a flush to cover evidence of their bodily functions. Both should be used accordingly. This is my ruling on the matter; now onto Fred and his sophomoric but amusing behavior.

It is obvious that Fred does not like to be told what to do; it is also obvious that Fred is enjoying the attention his antics are getting him. Child psychologists sometimes refer to what they call the rule of the broken cookie: to a child, a broken cookie is better than no cookie at all. So it is with attention, with negative attention being better than no attention at all. It appears that your husband is seeking your attention and is doing it in the only way he knows how – by teasing you. By getting to the root of your toilet seat problem you will be able to solve the much bigger issue of why your husband is feeling neglected (the ransom request for “sexy time” leads me to believe he is feeling ignored).

Being the mother of a two-year-old is a very hard and exhausting job and having to clean up after a husband does not make this job any easier. How involved is Fred in your daughter’s life? It is obvious that he enjoys amusing her. Perhaps he could take on some of the chores that involve raising your daughter in order to give you a break – her bath, getting her dressed, assisting with her meals can all be made fun and amusing while freeing you up to do something else, even if that something else is doing absolutely nothing for 20 minutes.

Once you have been relieved of some of the stresses of being a busy Mom, you may feel less resentment towards my next suggestion: put the toilet seat down yourself. Once you change your response to Fred’s behavior, he may start to change his behavior. Every time you see the seat up, pause to ask yourself, “Is this the biggest problem in my marriage?” If the answer is yes, consider yourself blessed and think of all the reasons you love your husband. Then calmly and politely remind him that two-year-olds like to throw stuff like cell phones and TV remotes into the open toilet bowl.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.