Life A "Cluster-Fluke" For Woman Who Believed Unfounded Gossip

Dear Tazi:

My life has turned into one big, giant cluster-fluke and I need some help sorting things out. I come from a large family with several sisters and many female cousins; we all grew up very close and that closeness has not faded, even though we are now all adults with families of our own.

My problem started about two years ago, right after my youngest sister got married. Her husband “Sam” told me that, as much as it pained him to say it, he had to let me know that my cousin “Marcy” was gossiping about me and my sisters, telling him all kinds of dirty laundry as her way of welcoming him to the family. Although I had never known Marcy to gossip I had no reason to believe that Sam would lie about her, so I believed Sam.

Rather than confronting Marcy directly, I needled her every chance I got. If she commented on my Facebook page or pictures I posted, I would attack her – right there on my page, not in a private message – for some imagined slight in her words. When she apologized, I saw it as my chance to attack her further. Finally, Marcy got sick of it and told me that she “apparently only opens her mouth to change feet” and would stop posting anything to my page. I took this as an opportunity to gleefully and publicly announce that was going to unfriend her, since looking without commenting is creeping, and then I did just that. That was a year and a half ago, and I have not spoken to Marcy since.

Over the last year and a half my marriage has taken a downward spiral as my husband finds more and more reasons to stay out of the house and away from me and the kids. I have not said anything to my family, who think my marriage is picture-perfect – a façade I can uphold because I live an hour and a half away from the rest of my family. However, I live in a small town where nobody’s business is private and everyone here knows how much time my husband spends down at the bar. Enter Marcy, who just got a new job working in my small town.

The rest of our family does not know that we are not speaking; they just assume that we never see each other because we are both too busy to visit. When I heard Marcy was working in my town, I waited for her outside of work one night to talk to her, face-to-face, and tell her that I would appreciate it if she did not gossip about me to the rest of the family; that anything she heard in town should stay in town. Marcy looked at me icily and replied, “I have never gossiped about you in the past, why would I start now?” She asked me to give her regards to my Mom, got in her car, and drove off, leaving me to wonder if Marcy had forgotten all of the cruel things she had said about me and my sisters or if Sam had by lying about it.

I have been unable to get a moment’s peace since that conversation with Marcy. I need to know if she was telling the truth or if Sam’s story is the real one. I am worried that Marcy will tell my family about my marital issues (she has to know, everyone else in town does). If she is a gossip, she must have sworn everyone she told to secrecy; no phone calls from family have come in yet. If she is not a gossip, this means Sam was lying to me – but I have no idea why! I have noticed that Sam likes to be the center of attention, but he usually just blows his own horn and brags; I have never heard him put someone else down or tell tales about them.

So, to recap: my marriage is secretly a mess, the cousin I scolded into humiliation is the only family member who knows this, she may be a gossip but my brother-in-law might be lying and I have no idea which is true so I have no idea who to confront, nor do I know if my private business is going to be the next topic at the family barbecue! 

Signed,

Bothered And Bewildered

Dear Bothered And Bewildered:

Wow. You are living quite a soap opera, aren't you? The worst part of all this is that you have brought it upon yourself by believing…gossip about Marcy! When Sam came to you with an unfounded – and difficult to believe – accusation that Marcy was gossiping about you he in turn was spreading a rumor about Marcy; instead of approaching Marcy and sorting out all the confusion, you acted as judge and jury and condemned her on the spot. Using Facebook as a vehicle for your anger was cruel and childish and only served to further the gap between the two of you; I am reminded of the William Blake poem “A Poison Tree”. Do the lines ring familiar to you?

The first thing you need to do is trust your instincts. You say you have never known Marcy to gossip, so ask yourself why she would start. If you can’t think of a reason, give her the benefit of the doubt and approach Sam. Ask him point blank – as you should have to begin with – exactly what Marcy said about you and your sisters. If it was so harsh that he felt the need to tell you, I doubt his memory will have completely faded by now. If he tried to “save” you from hearing the details or uses any other kind of stalling tactic, there is a good chance he is lying to you. Why he is lying is not important; maybe he just doesn’t like Marcy for whatever reason, some relationships are like that. However, you cannot allow him to destroy your relationship with Marcy over (possibly) untruthful and (in my opinion) mean-spirited statements.

The next thing to do is to go see Marcy. You know where she works, so why not ask her to join you for coffee after work? I am sure she would love to see your kids again. Tell her that you owe her an apology for taking out your temper on her in such a public way, and tell her that you should have asked her about this in private two years ago: Did she ever gossip about you and your sisters, even to other family members? You do not have to tell her it was Sam who suggested that she was a gossip because she probably already knows, judging by her reaction to you in the parking lot of her job. Whatever Marcy tells you, accept her at her word – and accept that this relationship needs repair, starting with the two of you letting go of your anger towards each other.

 Anger is a funny thing…we may think nobody knows about it but it can fester and affect the relationships we have with those around us – including a spouse. Could your husband want to spend less and less time at home because your attitude has changed over the last year and a half? Look deep for the answers; ask him to accompany you to a few counseling sessions to get to the root of your problems or even go by yourself to figure out why you were so quick to believe someone else’s gossip and so slow to let go of your anger.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

When Is It Time For A Stay-At-Home Mom To Return To Work?

Dear Tazi:

My Mom has been a stay-at-home Mom since before I was born. She quit her job when she found out she was pregnant with me in order to devote all of her time to being a Mom. I am now 17, an honor roll student, and a careful driver with a spotless first year driving record. I play sports or have study hall after school, so I usually do not get home until after 4:00 PM and I work a part-time job two evenings a week and on weekends. In summary, I am a responsible teenager who is not home during working hours (the school day starts at 7:30 in the morning).

My parents don't know that I know, but Dad has been pressuring Mom to find a paying job ever since I learned to drive. Mom argues that she needs to be home during the day in case I need her, and that she has a very busy schedule cooking and cleaning and sewing around the house and then volunteering at the church on occasion. Dad argues that nobody but her is home during the day, so how can the house get so dirty; that they eat out twice a week (the two nights I am not home for dinner because of work); and that if the church were to pay her for her work he would not mind her not looking for a regular job.

The fighting between my parents is really starting to upset me, because it is starting to take a toll on their relationship. I would like to tell my Mom that I am grateful for all that she has done for me, but that I am pretty capable of doing a lot for myself now. I can drive, I have a job and am responsible with my money, and I buy most of my own clothes - she hasn't sewn anything for me in years! I am also a pretty good cook, and would cook dinner a few nights a week if she would allow it, but she is a complete control freak in the kitchen.

Tazi, do you have any ideas on how to get my Mom to at least look for a job? Even a part-time one? I think it will go a long way towards helping to save my parents' marriage.

Signed,
Seventeen And Worried

Dear Seventeen And Worried:

While it is commendable that you want to help your parents through their marital spats, the only thing you should be worried about right now is keeping your grades up, finding a date for the prom, and investigating your post-high school opportunities. The issues between your parents may seem simple, but they go much deeper than they appear.

Your mother has not worked outside the home in almost 18 years. What kind of job do you suggest she seek? Her skills and education are probably badly in need of updating, and her resistance to look for work reflects this fact. She is probably scared that she will fail miserably or humiliate herself if she tries to re-enter the workforce after almost two decades out of it. Think about it: The last time your mother worked for a paycheck President Bill Clinton was the President of the U.S., the Internet just starting to go mainstream, grunge music was still all the rage, and boys still wore their pants several inches above their butts with their hats facing forward!

And sadly, people dressed like this!

If you want to help your parents, I suggest you show your letter and my response to them; you could even leave it laying on the dining room table if you don't want to give it to them personally. They each need to consider the other's point of view and reasoning; role-playing/role-reversal can be helpful in accomplishing this, as can the help of a qualified counselor or clergy-person. Since your mother is active with the church, your clergy may already be familiar with the situation; either way, it may do you good to talk to him or her in order to gain some perspective on the whole situation. As much as I hate to say it, this is not your problem to  solve.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. I don't want to speculate, but in absence of other issues, a woman who quits her job as soon as she becomes pregnant may have been unhappy with said job in the first place! Just one more thing to consider.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Donut Shop Has More Than Just Coffee To Bring In Customers

Dear Tazi:

My husband of thirty-eight years retired this past summer and he is driving me crazy. Most of what he does I can handle, and I expect things to get better with time. We have weathered worse storms in our long marriage and this, too, shall pass. My issue is with his morning trip to the coffee shop.

Since retiring, every morning "Jeff" goes to the coffee shop for his morning brew. He claims that he wants to meet up with the guys and shoot the bull. I have suggested that they save money and have their coffee dates at our place, but he brushed off my idea, saying that the guys would never go for it, adding that their "meetings" are not "dates". Jeff is generally gone all morning, giving me blessed relief from his nitpicking about how I handle the housework, but I do not think that it is fair that he gets to relax with his friends all morning while I spend the same time cleaning up his messes - his dirty dishes, his dirty laundry that he leaves on the floor, his shaved whiskers in the bathroom sink, etc.

I am firm about my point that since we are retired we need to save money where we can, and coffee can just as easily be brewed fresh at home and drunk on the porch as it can at the coffee shop. I decided it was time to put my foot down and went to the coffee shop to purchase a pound of their ground coffee for home brewing, and I got an eyeful when I walked into the place!

My husband was there with his buddies, having coffee and promised, but they were also oogling the young coffee servers, young ladies who were dressed in tight pants and low-cut blouses that showed off more than needed to be shown to serve coffee! I was so horrified I walked out without buying the coffee! When I got home, I called Jeff and told him to pick up a pound or two, because he will not be returning to that place with my blessing!

When Jeff returned home, he had not purchased the coffee. Worse, he accused me of spying on him and told me that he will continue to have coffee with his buddies and to "enjoy the scenery". I am devastated to know that my husband thinks so little of our marital vows! He insists that looking is not cheating, and if the girls are going to flaunt it he has the right to look. I have written a sternly worded letter to the coffee shop manager, but never received a response. In the meantime, an icy field has developed between my husband and me. Am I making mountains out of molehills, Tazi? Let me add that not one of those girls had "molehills"; they were all pretty "mountainous".

Signed,
Feeling Chilled Down South

Dear Feeling Chilled Down South:

Men the world over are going to be the kind of men that they are, regardless of how they would like to present themselves to their spouses. It sounds to me that your husband is turning into a dirty old man - a vision of himself that he would rather you not have seen. If going to the coffee shop to have coffee with his buddies is all Jeff's trips are about, he would probably not have an issue inviting the guys over to the house or even taking turns meeting at each other's houses.

Your husband has admitted that he goes to "enjoy the scenery"; he has been busted, no two ways about it. At least he did not insult your intelligence by denying it. As long as he does not escalate by moving his morning coffee meets to the local strip club I suggest letting the matter drop. These women are young enough to be his daughter or even his granddaughter - you might want to point out this fact to him, and see if it cools his ardor a bit. Sometimes, seeing ourselves as others see us is all it takes to push us into changing our less than charming behaviors.

I can understand why you would be upset enough over this situation to write a letter to the coffee shop manager, but a very unscientific survey of the waitresses in my life reveals that the more that they reveal to their customers, the larger the tips they receive. As disheartening as I find this, the truth is that sex sells, and many of these young women need their tips to survive; they are not saving pin money, they are earning rent money.

With regard to the second half of your problem - your disgust for your husband's slovenly behavior. Is this something new or has he always expected you to be his maid? Are you only reacting now because he has retired and you still have to work at keeping house? As you mention, a marriage of thirty-eight years cannot last without weathering the storms, and this is one more swell your boat will have to navigate. I suggest that you discuss your disgust of your husband's home habits to get to the root of your anger towards him. I also suggest that you not try to control him - the tighter you pull the leash the more he will work to slip out of it.

Snuggles,
Tazi





Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Is She His Wife - Or His Live-In Maid?

Dear Tazi,

My husband accepted a job nearly six months ago that we believed exhibited a lot of opportunity. Since then, it has been a lot of empty promises. He received an average salary for someone who works a 40 hours week. Expected bonuses, retirement plans and health insurance never manifested.

The business operates in three locations which are geographically distant seven days per week, nearly 24 hours per day. He has taken only 5 days off since October. Those days off are actually days he works from home via phone. He averages 95 hours per week and his health and family life have suffered greatly.

Tazi, we are hard workers in my home. I work three part time jobs and go to school full time. I understand the difficulties of having to work hard to get ahead but I have taken on all household matters, caregiving for his dogs and my step-daughter. I love her but she needs her father, too, in the absence of her natural mother. I feel like the hired help when I am leaving for work in the early hours just as he is showing up from work. I basically live alone in my marriage. I have asked my husband to limit his work schedule to 60 hours per week and he say he will, but fails miserably at fulfilling that request. I do not think I am being a miserable bat by making this request.

I have a value for pets far greater than most humans. Recently, I unexpectedly lost a pet that meant the world to me. He assured me he would come home and called a short time later to cancel because he was told to go to a meeting. He showed up 12 hours later. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. A four day domestic war ensued.

My husband believes that if you love someone that is all that matters. I have tried to explain to him that love is important, but, respect, partnership, and cohabitation are just as important. I am ready to move on from a person I love profoundly over the whole matter. I can not get the man to keep a doctor’s appointment with his schedule so counseling surely will not fly.

Where do I go from here?

Signed,

The Hired Help

Dear The Hired Help:

The expression "love conquers all" can have two meanings - it can conquer all hardships, or it can conquer you as a person. In your efforts to single-handedly keep your marriage and family afloat, it appears that love is conquering you, and your husband is not home often enough to see the toll it is taking. 

While love IS very important, there are other, equally important promises made when one takes wedding vows - to honor and cherish, forsaking all others, until death parts you. Or for as long as you both shall live. Or 'til death do you part. There are many ways to say it, but the bottom line is, your husband is not honoring and cherishing you the way you would like to be honored and cherished, and his is forsaking you for his employers! Is he aware of this fact? While these are things that are ideally discussed in a marriage counselor's office, you can discuss them with each other with a little advance planning. When people go to a counselor, they often keep a mental list of what they want to discuss and how it makes them feel; if you and your husband can take the time to do this and find an hour a week to calmly discuss these mental lists perhaps you will be able to work things through on your own. Let your husband know that committing to this time is a sign that he is still committed to your marriage in the way you need him to commit to it.

Many men believe that their "job" in a marriage is to care for the financial needs of the family, and that by working every waking moment (as in your husband's case) they are being a good husband by being a good provider. Once upon a time this may have been true, but nowadays - with wives working, and in your case working three jobs - husbands are no longer the sole financial providers to a family; nowadays, husbands need to provide social supports (emotional, intellectual) to their wives and families as well. It appears that you are the only one providing this kind of support, and that the well is running dry. Your husband needs to be made aware of these facts and commit to change, starting by accepting the fact that he is being short-changed at work, and in turn short-changing his loved ones - you, his daughter, and even the dogs - financially and emotionally. 

Even this Superwoman had help from Mrs. Brady and the kids!

One thing you do not mention is whether or not your husband actually enjoys working so much for so little. I know this question sounds daft, but some people are workaholics, and they thrill to the thought of accomplishing just one more task, just one more sale before calling it a day, regardless of how much money they are making for doing it - the sense of a job well done, of praise from the boss is all that they need. For people like this, work is their entertainment, and they cannot understand why everybody else does not feel the same. If this describes your husband, then you will need to approach him from his point of view, pointing out that the "joys and accomplishments" of work should leave time for life's other joys and accomplishments - time with a loving spouse that leads to a successful marriage; father-daughter dates that will help her grow into a well-adjusted adult woman (read: one without Daddy issues!); and most importantly, the ability to be there for those they love when those they love need them the most! If this tact does not work, you could also point out to your husband that all of his hard work is lining the pockets of the company owners - not his own. 

I strongly believe that six months is more than enough time to invest in a job to see if it is the right fit - most companies have a three month probationary period, during which time both sides can decide if the job is a good fit for the worker and if the worker is a good fit for the job. In many areas of the country the economy is improving and employers are willing to invest in workers who have the type of work ethic you and your husband have! It is past time for your husband to tell his employers that the time has come to shape up or he will ship out - before you offer your husband the same ultimatum. (He sounds like he would do well in Marketing or Sales, both fields that pay well and can offer a structured, 40-hour-a-week work schedule when the worker insists upon it). 

On a more personal note, I would like to offer my condolences on the loss of your beloved pet. We fur and feather covered creatures are family members, too, and from the sound of it your pet was your non-human child. A Paw Slap of Disgust (hard, not soft!) to your husband for not being there for you in your hour of need. When The Feline Uprising is complete, I shall make him clean the litter boxes of a thousand lactose-intolerant cats, sans gloves, and I shall make sure that we all drink heavy cream and use the cheap, non-clumping litter until he has paid his penance!

Snuggles,

Tazi 

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Inspired Writer Loses Sight Of All Else, Including Respect For Others

Dear Tazi:

My wife considers herself a budding author, and I want to be supportive of her in her attempts to write a novel.  She has always been supportive of me when I have had dreams to follow, but I feel I have reached the point where I need to put my foot DOWN.  My wife, on the other hand, is arguing that I am not trying hard enough to see her side of things and that I owe her an apology for being controlling and stepping on her dream.

"Nancy" decided she wanted to write a book when she saw how successful some bloggers can be when they publish their work in e-text format.  Since self-publishing is free, Nancy decided that she would follow her lifelong dream of writing a novel, since publishing it would not dip into our household budget.  With my wife being a stay-at-home-mom to our one year old daughter, money is tight.  However, I realize the need for a creative outlet and have tried my best to be supportive.

I have worked to respect Nancy's "creative time" and am helping out more around the house and with our daughter's care after work.  I am enjoying the extra Daddy time, and feel that by doing this I am being both a supportive husband and a good father.  Nancy has not complimented me once, saying as a father it is my job to help out when I am home (I work 12-hour shifts).

Nancy has taken to carrying a notebook with her wherever she goes because "you never know when inspiration will strike!"  Nancy keeps the notebook by our bed and writes when she wakes up in the middle of the night with ideas for her story.  My sleep is interrupted as well when this happens, but I keep quiet about it and try to be supportive.  Nancy will be struck by inspiration while we are out on a date (a rare treat), eating dinner, and other times that are inconvenient.  I have tolerated these interruptions until now.

Last week there was a memorial mass at church for my dearly departed mother.  During the middle of the pastor's sermon, Nancy got up and moved to the back of the church.  I was not sure if she was okay until I saw that [darn] notebook of hers!  Apparently, "inspiration" had struck right in the middle of my mother's mass and Nancy felt that it was OK to follow it!

After mass, I told Nancy that from now on when we go out the notebook stays home; that her behavior during mass was inconsiderate and inexcusable.  Nancy got upset and told me that if she didn't stop to write she would have been unable to concentrate on anything but her idea and would not have been fully engaged in my mother's mass anyway.  Nancy furthered that I should be complimented that the memory of my mother "brought on an inspiration" for her book.

It has been a week and things are still tense between us, with each of us believing the other owes an apology and an attitude adjustment.  How do you rule on this one, Tazi?

Signed,
Not a Writer

Dear Not a Writer:

Nancy's behavior was way off course.  She should never have brought her writing notebook to church.  A memorial mass is generally one hour.  If she was unable to be both physically and spiritually present during this important event than she should have excused herself and left the church, not sat in the back of the church while journaling her ideas.  Ideally, she would have shuffled her idea into the back of her thoughts until after the mass!

I often assised my Mommie in the writing of research papers and scholarly commentary, both of which can require a great deal of inspiration (which is what I provide!).

Inspiration can strike at any time or place, so your wife is smart to carry a notebook, but one must also learn to control the urge to immediately act on those inspirations.  Rather than write an entire page (or more) of text, Nancy should simply file away the main point(s) and - at a more appropriate time - jot them down on a memo pad for future reference.  Once the idea is further examined and fleshed out, not every point of inspiration sounds as great as it initially did.

An unobtrusive way to take notes is to excuse yourself to the restroom and record your thoughts.  Many phones offer a voice-record memo feature that can be used for this purpose.  Since speaking is quicker than writing, it will take Nancy much less time to record her thoughts; thus lessening the creative intrusion.  Furthermore, hearing your idea played back in your own voice can confirm or contradict your original feelings on just how brilliant an idea really is.  I believe that this could make for a fair compromise between you and Nancy.

As for who owes who an apology: It appears to me that Nancy is throwing herself into her work with great fervor - to the point where she is not considering your needs.  For this, she owes you an apology; not only for her poor showing in church but for her attitude towards you at home.  I believe that you owe your wife an apology for losing your temper with her; she is not a child, she is your wife and your equal.  Talking down to her was not right, but understandable considering your lack of sleep.  I suggest you both try to start fresh by offering each other a kiss and a snuggle - or whatever it is you humans do behind closed doors.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S.  Nancy might find inspiration in my list of Tazi's Rules for Successful Writing, a compilation of lessons learned from the Writing and Rhetoric professors at the University of Rhode Island!

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Mom is Afraid That Dad Is Trying To Raise A Bully

Dear Tazi:

My five year old son, "Jacob" is a sweet and active little boy.  He loves to run and play in the yard, but will stop to pick dandelions and run inside to give me a "bouquet".  He enjoys playing ruff-and-tumble games with the neighborhood boys but is equally comfortable giving a little girl a push on the swings.  I love my son dearly, which is why I am concerned about how my husband wishes to raise him.  I think "Jack" is pushing Jacob to be a bully.

I was recently baking chocolate chip cookies for my book club meeting, and Jacob asked if he could help me.  I thought by "help" he meant taste the batter and lick the extra off of the mixing wand, but Jacob was actually interested in knowing how to bake cookies.  He was fascinated that separate ingredients could come together to form something new; wanted to know why the oven had to be a particular temperature in order for the cookies to bake; and what happened to the cookies while they were baking, how they went from being "mushy balls of dough to real cookies" is what he said!

I was so proud of Jacob's curiosity and desire to learn the science behind cooking that I told Jack about my day when he got home.  Big mistake!  Jack accused me of trying to "turn our son into a sissy" and argued that the kitchen is no place for a man.  He then took Jacob outside and told him that it was high time he learned how to play football.  Tazi, Jacob plays soccer and T-ball and is very happy playing both.  I think he is too young to add a third sport to his schedule, but when I said this to Jack later that evening, he let loose with a tirade against both sports, calling them "sissy sports".  He then went on to say that Jacob is too soft, that he is going to end up being bullied if he doesn't start to toughen up, and that I need to loosen the apron strings!  I left the room on the verge of tears!

Tazi, my little boy is only five.  He just started kindergarten in September and he loves it.  He is not having any problems in school; in fact, he has made several new friends, both boys and girls.  His teacher says he is a joy to have in class and is always offering to help her pass out paper and art supplies or to help with the end-of-day clean up before the school bus arrives.  I do not think that Jacob is maladjusted in any way and I do not want my husband to discourage Jacob's natural curiosity - even if Jacob wanted to bake cookies because he enjoys baking!  Can you give me some advice on how to stand up to my husband?  I considered using your "Cut and Serve Paw Slap of Disgust" but I couldn't remember which column it was printed in; plus I am afraid that giving one to Jack will just make the problem worse.

Signed,
Jacob's Mom

Dear Jacob's Mom:

Excuse my a minute while I contact Chef Emeril Lagasse to tell him that, because he is a man, his place is not in the kitchen.  I will let your husband handle Chef Gordon Ramsey and even provide a fresh litter-box so you can bury what remains of your husband once he has handled the situation.  I am hoping that my dry humor is not lost through the printed word - as scary as Chef Ramsey is, I do not believe he has ever gone Sweeney Todd on anyone.

Your son Jacob sounds like a wonderful little boy, and I do not think that issues with bullying - either being one or hurt by one - is something in his immediate future.  As a parent, you are right to to keep an ever vigilant eye on the issue to make certain that the problem, should it arise, is nipped in the bud.  I do not think the problem here is with your son, but with your husband's impression of the relationship between you and your son.

The fact that Jack called Jacob's sports "sissy sports" is unnerving.  Your child is five years old!  Does your husband expect him to play tackle football at that age?  The comment that it is time for you to "loosen the apron strings" gives me a clue to Jack's side of the story.  Does your husband feel like a third wheel in the relationship between you and your son?  Or is he allowed to be an active participant in his son's life and childhood development?  Do you push your husband aside - inadvertently or purposely - when it comes to making decisions regarding your son?  Do you welcome your husband to spend time with Jacob - together with you or as Daddy and son time?

I get the impression that you are a SAHM (Stay-At-Home-Mom), which means you get to spend a great deal more time with your son, even now that he has started school.  Your husband could be feeling jealous of the close relationship that has developed between you and Jacob.  Not only does this closeness leave him out in the cold as a father, it also affects his closeness to you as your husband.  It could be that Jack feels he is no longer the #1 man in your life.

The issues you are facing with the raising of your son could reflect deeper issues in your marriage - issues of which you may not yet be aware.  I suggest that you hold off on delivering a Tazi-Kat Paw Slap of Disgust until you have had the chance to sit and talk with your husband in a neutral setting, sans Jacob.  Ask your husband if he feels left out of Jacob's life, if he feels you are the one doing all the child-raising and he is left to sit on the sidelines and watch.  Let Jack's answers guide your next move, which may include parenting classes or marital counseling.  Remember that counseling is not only for people who have problems - many couples seek counseling to resolve small problems before they become big ones!

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S.  I have added a permanent page to this website, offering a "Cut and Serve Tazi-Kat Paw Slap of Disgust", Original, Claws Out, or Cute Kitten style!  Check it out!  --T.K.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

In-Law Trouble Puts Family At Odds

Dear Tazi:

My sister-in-law "Jolene" (my brother's wife) and my husband have never gotten along; but I only recently discovered that the rest of my family is not too fond of my husband, either. "George" can be an overbearing, temperamental, insulting know-it-all at times; but he can also be sweet, and kind, and caring, too. This is the side of him my family does not seem to notice.

A few weeks ago, my mother held a party for my father's 65th birthday celebration. Everyone was having a great time, but after the cake was cut and slices of it were being passed around, things melted down quicker than the ice cream. My two and a half year old daughter, "Sassi" had somehow gotten hold of the knife used to slice the cake - the one metal knife among the plastic - and was about to stick it into an electrical outlet. Jolene saw what was about to happen and since she was too far away from Sassi to stop her in time, she yelled at her. She said, "NO, Sassi! You put that down RIGHT NOW!". Sassi was so surprised she did drop the knife - and then started to cry, which upset George.

George, not liking Jolene to begin with, reprimanded Jolene in front of everyone; saying it was inappropriate of her to yell at Sassi and demanded that Jolene apologize to Sassi for upsetting her. The look on Jolene's face told me this was not going to happen and I tried to intervene before things got worse, but George shushed me. Seeing this sent Jolene - a feminist - over the edge, and she told George exactly where he could shove the knife that Sassi had been holding, before storming off. My family just stood by and laughed - partly to relieve the tension, and partly because it was kind of funny to everyone but George. George then proceeded to turn on my mother, asking her why the house was not child-proofed; to which she responded, "because no children live here". George insisted we leave immediately, which we did.

It has been two weeks since we left the party, and George is still steaming about it. He will not allow my brother or sister-in-law to see Sassi until "she gets the apology she deserves" and refuses to allow me bring Sassi to visit my Mom until she has the house "professionally child-proofed". I think that George is being completely ridiculous, and once again presenting himself as a complete jerk to my family. Do you have any advice on how to mediate this situation?

Signed,
Torn Between My Marriage And My Family

Dear Torn Between My Marriage And My Family:

I would first like to say that I am glad that nothing unfortunate happened to your little girl. It would have been an absolute tragedy if she had succeeded in sticking a metal knife into an electrical outlet. I have to ask: If this had happened, who would your husband be blaming for Sassi's injuries? Would he be lashing out at Jolene - who saw what was happening - for not yelling at your daughter to drop the knife? It sounds to me that Jolene was in a no-win situation with your husband, and it appears that she knew it. Although her display of temper was uncalled for, I, too, am getting a snicker out of imagining the scene.

George was completely out of line in so many ways. First, if he had an issue with Jolene yelling at Sassi he should have approached her privately - or better yet, had you tacitly approach her; he should not have reprimanded her, like he would a child, in front of everyone. Second, Jolene does not owe Sassi an apology. I do not know where George gets off thinking that a toddler deserves an apology being scared out of committing a life-threatening act. Third, he should not have "shushed" you in front of your family when you tried to mediate the brewing confrontation between him and Jolene. He treated you as one would a child, and if anyone is owed an apology it is you. Fourth, he has no right to demand that your mother get the house "professionally childproofed". Although, as grandparents, your parents should take steps towards child-proofing the house; your mother's reaction tells me that there is more to this argument than your letter reveals.

You do not say why Jolene and George do not get along; but you do make mention that Jolene is "a feminist", which has me connecting the dots and seeing a better picture. The fact that your entire family, and not just Jolene, is not fond of your husband is something you should take into consideration as you try to mediate the situation. I suggest that you speak with your family privately - without George - and ask them for their frank opinion of him, and why they feel as they do about him. Once all the cards are on the table, you can go about mediating the situation; illustrating to your family the ways in which George is "sweet, and kind, and caring, too". Hopefully, you will be able to work from there. Both sides - your family and George - will have to be open to compromise, and to discussing the issues as mature adults, in order to repair these damaged family ties. Otherwise, the only one having to decide which side to take will be you.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Overwhelmed By Overdrafts, Young Husband Seeks Help

Dear Tazi:

I never thought I would be writing to an advice columnist, so I figure if I am I might as well write to a cat, right? I am a nineteen year old man, married six months, and my wife is driving me up a tree with her horrible banking habits.

"Liesel" has a bad habit of charging stuff to the debit card attached to our joint checking account and then not balancing the checkbook. After having to pay several hundred dollars in overdraft fees one month, I decided I should be the one to balance the checkbook. Now Liesel forgets to give me the receipts for the stuff she charges so the checkbook balance is just as messed up as ever. I have thought of applying for a low-limit credit card for her to use, but I hate the idea of having to pay interest on stupid stuff like a cup of coffee or a package of gum. This is the sort of stuff Liesel charges. I have tried giving her cash to pay with, but that just makes her spend even more.

I went to the bank to close our joint account, because I am afraid all of these overdrafts are ruining my credit, but I could not close the account without Liesel's agreeing; and I couldn't take my name off of the account without closing it. Liesel refuses to agree to this kind of solution because she believes that married couples should have joint bank accounts. I love my wife, but her spending habits have got to change! We are hoping to buy a house in a few years, and the money we are spending on overdrafts is sinking that dream. Do you have any suggestions about what I can do to get my wife to see reason?

Signed,
Underwater

Dear Underwater:

I am sure that the first thing you would like to do is take away Liesel's debit card! However, I do not advocate the subordination of one partner by another and this case is no exception. You are her husband, not her Daddy. Because debit card transactions do not always go through right away, a person can continue to charge on the account and rack up huge overdraft fees, which is what appears to be happening. Since Liesel is forgetting to give you her receipts, you may have to go online and view your account through your bank's online banking features. A list of charges will be made available, and you can confirm with Liesel whether or not she made these charges. You will also be able to see your balance and warn Liesel when it is getting low or even transfer funds from savings to prevent an overdraft. It is a lot of work on your part, but this plan should stop the overdraft fees. Don't worry - your wife is not getting out of trouble here!

It sounds to me that Liesel needs credit counseling and some lessons on financial responsibility. I am assuming she is close to your age, which means she has little to no experience with credit and its importance. Is she even the least bit upset about all of the money being wasted on overdraft fees? Because the two of you wish to save for a house, both a healthy savings account and a healthy credit report will be required. I suggest that you both put the debit cards away; agree to a spending budget for the both of you; and stick to it - meaning once the cash in your pocket is gone, that's it until the next paycheck.

Once you are both comfortable sticking with a weekly spending budget, you can try carrying the debit cards with you for emergencies only. If you find Liesel is falling back into her old habits and the overdraft fees start rolling in again, professional counseling may be required as the problem may run deeper than being scatterbrained when it comes to remembering to balance a checkbook.

I wish you both the best of luck, in your marriage and in your goal of buying your own home.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. With regard to married couples and checking accounts, I have to tell you I have heard of many couples keeping a joint bill paying account but separate personal accounts. Perhaps this is a compromise that would appeal to Liesel?



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

"Creeper" Needs To Crawl Back Under His Rock

Dear Tazi:

Here is my issue. I am single woman who has never been in a relationship. Right now in my life I do not want one. I am 22 and in college, working towards a successful career. I plan on going to graduate school and have no desire to date or be in a relationship. However, that does not stop the creepers from being attracted to me. It seems that any one who is interested in me is either a loser, a creeper, or married.

I have this one married guy who seems to be very interested in me. I have known him for about 5 years and only within the past year figured out he was married. The only reason why I figured it out was through Facebook. I see "Seymour" about once a year because we both volunteer at the same annual event. I will admit that we have has a flirtatious relationship, but I would never act on it. I figured it was a joke. Now though, I think he has a different idea. He texted me a month after the event saying how I was "a severe temptation" and that he "has to be good around me". I am not sure what Seymour means, but it was clear that he was not joking. Now he has been poking me on Facebook. I think I made a mistake by poking him back and continued to poke him back.

Tazi, I do not know what to do. Seymour is married and regardless I would not pursue anything with him. My fear is that next year at our volunteer event things are going to be wicked AWKWARD. Any suggestion on what I can do to stop attracting the creepers and not make things awkward with married guy?

Signed,
Fish Out Of Water

Dear Fish Out Of Water:

It is fun to flirt, isn't it? I love flirting with the visitors that enter my home! I will pretend to be shy, just to watch them bend over backwards to get my attention! Everyone loves attention, so I can understand why you would playfully flirt with someone that did not interest you - no harm, no foul; right?

Potential relationships can be scary for anyone, but especially for the uninitiated. Paws up to you for concentrating on your education and putting your career training ahead of boys; but it appears this has left you with a lack of experience in dealing with the laws of attraction. Rule #1 is that the less available someone is, the more attractive they become. Because Seymour sees you as a forbidden fruit you are all the sweeter to him - thus the comment that you are "a severe temptation". I am not saying that if he were single he would not find you attractive; just that he would not be acting like a creeper. And that is the issue at hand, isn't it? If Seymour continued to act like a gentleman, would you feel more comfortable around him?

The first step to stopping the creepy behavior is to stop poking him - this will prevent him from poking you back. Is it possible to dismiss a poke without poking someone back? If so, try doing this. If Seymour continues to try and poke you, continue to ignore the pokes. Unless he is a complete dunce, he should get the message.

As for how to avoid the awkwardness at your next annual event: You do not say when it is or how much time will pass before you see Seymour at this event; but perhaps time will heal the awkwardness. If that is not possible, please do not ignore the proverbial elephant in the room. If you see him, you can laughingly say "POKE!" to break the ice. If he responds, take the opportunity to tell him that you are glad that there are "no hard feelings about any misunderstanding that may have occurred". If he asks for details, simply say that you felt he may have taken your harmless flirtation the wrong way. If he still tries to push for details, just say "I think I hear your wife calling for you" and walk away.

As for how to prevent creepers in the future; there is no one easy answer. A friendly, simple, "I'm not playing hard to get, I'm just not interested in you" will get the point across nicely. It may be blunt, but creepers will not understand subtlety. If they continue trying, simply repeat the above line, word for word. Creepers thrive on drama, and if you give it to them they will be back for more. Nothing is more boring to a creeper than hearing the same, even-toned reaction over and over again.

Good luck in graduate school and in your future career!

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. Have you "Liked" me on Facebook yet? Check me out at www.facebook.com/AskTazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Man Wonders If He Should Gamble On The Future Of His Marriage

Dear Tazi:

I am so angry I can't even speak! I am ready to kick my wife to the curb and file for divorce because I just discovered that she lost the mortgage payment to the local casino while feeding her addiction to video slots. I feel like a complete idiot for trusting her with our bookkeeping!

"Trixie" has had issues with gambling in the past, and our credit was all but ruined by her irresponsible behavior. About a year ago, she was able to get into a treatment program for problem gambling and has allegedly been attending Gambler's Anonymous meetings. I say "allegedly" because this is where she said she was going when she swung by the casino with the last of our savings and lost it all - before dipping into the mortgage money to try and recover her losses.

I love my wife, Tazi; but I cannot continue to allow myself to be dragged down the road of destruction that she is walking. Do you think that I should cut my losses? Or stick it out 'til death do us part?

Signed,
Just Trying To Break Even

Dear Just Trying To Break Even:

I can understand your anger at the difficult financial situation you are in; however, your attitude towards your wife concerns me as well. You write that your wife is the one with a gambling problem and "her irresponsible behavior" is what has wreaked havoc on your credit rating. When you are married, the problems of one become the problems of the other - there is no "me", only "we". In truth, your wife may be the one pulling the lever on the slot machine, but the gambling problem is not hers to face alone - it is a problem that you must face together.

My question for you is this: How did Trixie manage to access your joint account(s) while at the casino? The most common way to get cash without leaving the casino is through an ATM, which requires an ATM/Debit card. Going forward, until Trixie can be trusted with access to large amounts of cash, her ATM privileges should be suspended. A pre-paid debit card will allow her money for expenses, and the amount she has to spend can be controlled. If Trixie is serious about overcoming her addiction - and regaining your trust - she should be agreeable to this idea, which would require you to handle the household finances for the foreseeable future - something that you realize you should have been handling all along.

You mention that Trixie has been ("allegedly") attending Gamblers' Anonymous meetings. Where are you during this time? Do you offer to accompany her to the meetings (if that's allowed), or at least give her a ride to and from them so as to assure that she will get there? What have you done to assist your wife in overcoming her addiction? I am certain that Trixie feels terrible as it is; threatening to kick her to the curb and divorce her is not going to help matters any.

I realize that right now, you are seeing through the eyes of anger, and not the eyes of love; and that the stress of the situation is the driving force behind your mood and reaction; but you must remember that your wife has been in recovery for less than one year, meaning that every day is probably a struggle for her to resist the temptation to gamble. If this incident is her first lapse, I do not condone her behavior; but still congratulate her for lasting so long without falling off the wagon; and offer my encouragement to get right back into treatment. However, immediate steps must still be taken to ensure temptation is not presented to her.

You ask my opinion on whether or not you should cut your losses or try to work on your marriage. The fact that you say that you still love your wife tells me that you already know the answer to that question. Rather than allow yourself to be "dragged down a road of destruction", try offering Trixie the support she needs to push herself up the hill of recovery. Knowing that you will be there to help her through may be what Trixie needs to move past the overwhelming sense of shame and failure that she must be feeling right now. If you work together, this struggle may actually make your marriage stronger.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Bathroom Privacy Becomes An Issue Once Children Come Along

Dear Tazi:

I am the mother of two and a half year old twin girls. They are old enough to run around and get in trouble, and big enough to climb out of their crib without getting hurt. I am a stay-at-home Mom, so some days the only moment I have to myself is when I have to use the bathroom. I have always closed the door when I do my business and value my privacy in this area.

My husband “Marc” came home one day this week for lunch to find the girls playing quietly while I was in the bathroom relieving myself. He flipped out on my for leaving the girls unattended, and has demanded that I never leave them unattended again; that it only takes a moment for a child to get into life-threatening danger. Although I am not comfortable with having an audience while I use the bathroom, I agreed to Marc’s request, simply because it was easier than arguing.

This weekend I came home from grocery shopping to find almost the exact same scene that Marc had walked in on earlier in the week! The girls were quietly playing while he was in the bathroom with the door closed – and locked. I just about went through the roof on him for his hypocrisy, when he defended his actions by saying it is inappropriate for young girls to see a man naked below the waist. For this reason, he thinks that he should be excused from his very own rule that affects my bathroom privacy.

When I pressed Marc on this issue, he reiterated that it would be inappropriate for the girls to see him using the toilet, and that people may misunderstand them should the girls talk about what they see. I could not believe that my husband is trying to imply that people might think he is molesting our children, and that is why he should be allowed bathroom privacy. I am just disgusted, and have no intention of doing as Marc wants until he follows his own rule.

Tazi, am I being unreasonable, as my husband has suggested? I don’t think I am putting my children at risk; but what if I am?

Signed,
Private Pottier

Dear Private Pottier:

Your husband’s excuse as to why he will not follow his own bathroom rule is pathetic, at best, and scary at worst. The fact that he fears people might think he is molesting his own children makes me wonder why he would think such paranoid thoughts. Was he molested as a child, or in any way related to a child molester (family, baby sitter, or neighbor)? As for his argument that a young girl should not see a man naked below the waist, I have news for him: by the time she is five years old, she will probably be curious enough to “show hers” if a boy will “show his”. This behavior is in no way, shape, or form sexual; it is simply part of the natural curiosity that all children possess.

By suggesting that nudity is somehow forbidden or shameful your husband is sending a mixed message to your toddlers (I am certain that he sees them naked at bath time and changing time). I suggest that you both teach your children proper bathroom etiquette, including your feelings on nudity, which seem to fall along the lines that our naked bodies are to be kept private (and this is a perfectly acceptable view). This is also the perfect opportunity to educate your children the difference between good touching and bad touching, as well as the physical differences between boys’ bodies and girls’ bodies. You do not have to get too intimate; just explain that boys have different parts than girls.


Just in case there was any confusion
Now, regarding the closed bathroom door policy in your house: Your husband is correct that “it only takes a moment for a child to get into life-threatening danger”, which is why I suggest you toddler-proof your house if this step has not already been taken. Your next step should be to educate your daughters on how to behave while you are in the bathroom and unable to watch them. Since they have been “playing quietly” on both occasions that you mention, you can offer them a small reward for their good behavior (a cookie or other special treat). These steps should greatly reduce the chance of injury during the two to five minutes you take to relieve yourself.

In the end, if your husband still insists that the door be left open while you are in the bathroom, try to honor his request in order to keep the peace. In a few short years you will have your privacy back, as your daughters will be begging you to close the door when you are in the bathroom.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Sometimes Marriage Isn't 50-50, Especially When It Comes To Closet Space

Dear Tazi:

My wife of one year is making me nuts.  She is what my Mom calls a "clothes horse".  "Tina" has enough clothes to fill our bedroom closet, the entire dresser, and half of the bureau drawers.  The only space I have for my clothes is about 25% of the closet, and that is only because I cram Tina's stuff over as far as it will go, which of course makes Tina complain that her stuff gets wrinkled that way.  What ever happened to all things being 50-50 in a marriage?

I have finally reached my breaking point because Tina came home with several bags full of new clothes this week.  She claims that she "needed a new fall wardrobe", but she hasn't gotten rid of any of the stuff she already has!  She asked me if I could fold my stuff and move it to the bureau to make room for her new clothes.  Tazi, I am not about to fold my dress shirts, sport coats, and pants!  I told Tina that if she did not have room for her clothes she would have to make room by getting rid of some things.

With Tina pouting the entire time, we went through every article of her wardrobe - and got rid of nothing!  I suggested we donate her clothes that are two sizes too small, but Tina insisted that they will fit again - just as soon as she goes on a diet.  Tina has clothes from the 1980's that she insists are "vintage" and have come back into style again.  Tazi, acid wash jeans will never make a comeback!

What do you think, readers?  Would you wear these...again?

Every time I tried to convince Tina to thin her wardrobe, she claimed that the piece of clothing I suggest she get rid of has "sentimental value" and that she "couldn't possibly part with it".  Tazi, am I the only guy with this problem?  How do other people handle the issue of pack-ratting clothes?

Signed,

Pushed Out

Dear Pushed Out:

I have seen acid wash jeans for sale online for a pretty penny!  Vintage clothing sells for even more.  Maybe if Tina knew how much money she could be making off of her old clothes she would find herself less sentimentally attached to them.  

It is a pity that your wife longingly holds onto clothes that are two sizes too small for her - especially since so many worthy causes like Dress for Success, Salvation Army, or Goodwill could use those clothes to help further their charitable programs.  Is Tina aware that her tax deductible donation would be going to help women who cannot afford to buy clothes?  Please try to convince your wife to thin out her wardrobe by suggesting she donate her excess to those who have so little.

If you cannot convince your wife to donate her clothes - and I have a feeling that she is going to be adamant about keeping them, since she sees nothing wrong with asking you to fold your articles of clothing that obviously should be hung - you may need to buy a clothing storage container for your wife.  Rubbermaid makes some excellent under-the-bed storage bins, as well as waterproof storage boxes that can be used to hold Tina's off-season, out-dated, and ill-fitting items.  

If you have the room for it, a cedar wood wardrobe or chest is an attractive way to store unused clothing out of sight.  If you cannot afford new, check Craig's List, Freecycle, or eBay for a great deal on one.  Once the clothes Tina is not wearing are out of your "shared" closet, you should discover that the area can be split in a more equitable manner.

Snuggles,

Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Sexless Marriage Can Only Be Endured For So Long

I will cut right to the chase. I am a high ranking police officer and a Deacon in my church. I have spent my life upholding the laws of man and the laws of God, but I now find myself tempted to break the latter.

I have been married for twenty years and during that time my wife and I have only had sex a handful of times. “Joyce” was saving herself for marriage when we met, which was once of the things that attracted me to her. It was not until our honeymoon that she told me she believed sex should be for procreation only, and that she was not ovulating that week. I’ll leave you to figure out the details. As disappointed as I was to find this out, I had just taken my marriage vows! I thought Joyce was just a scared newlywed and that things would change. They did not. Joyce and I have three children, all grown, and let me tell you, Joyce was pretty accurate about when she was ovulating, so it has been a very frustrating twenty years. My youngest child is graduating high school this year, and my plan was to retire from the police force and find myself a cozy bachelor apartment. I was not planning on divorcing Joyce – I intended to honor my wedding vows – I figured we would just live separate lives. That was until I discovered “Veronica”.

Veronica is the new Receptionist at my church office. She and I work closely together because I am often in there on church business. At first I thought she was a nice lady, pleasant enough to be a Receptionist but nothing more. Then I got to know her and found out she is recently divorced and going to school to become a Nurse, working as a Receptionist to pay the bills that the alimony does not. Like me, she was married to someone who felt sex was a sin it was not procreational, only her case is a bit different because she got married in her mid-thirties and found out she was infertile after only two years of being married. For the first time in my life I feel like I have met a woman who understands me, and Veronica and I have become quite close.

Don’t misunderstand me, Tazi, I’ve had my share of women hitting on me; but I have always honored my vows, out of respect for my wife and kids and respect for my God and church. Now things feel different, since I was planning on going solo for my remaining years. Normally, I would talk to my pastor about my problems but this is just a little too cozy for comfort. What do you think I should do?

Signed,
The Captain
Dear Captain:

I think you should have sought marriage counseling several years ago. Since that ship has sailed, I think you need to consider Veronica’s position. She is a Receptionist, a low-ranking position in the church; you are a Deacon, a person of higher rank and respect; as well as a ranking police officer, also a person of power and respect. You have not mentioned if Veronica has expressed interest in you or if you have mentioned your interest in her, but you put her in a difficult position.

If you were to leave your wife to be with Veronica, who do you think is going to bear the brunt of the blame? Tongues will most definitely be wagging, and unless you want to violate your wife’s privacy those tongues are going to be calling Veronica a Jezebel! Furthermore, if Veronica does not have romantic feelings for you she may be hesitant to say anything for fear of losing her job, being harassed in the community by your brothers in blue, or suffering employment discrimination down the road (police and hospitals work closely together).

It does not sound like Veronica has been divorced for very long, and it does sound like she is concentrating on improving her life – starting with her return to school and working for the means to pay for it. Nursing school is extremely demanding and the stresses of a normal relationship can be enough to drive one to distraction, lest the relationship unravel and fail. The relationship you seek to start with Veronica cannot be considered “normal” under the circumstances and would be doomed to difficulty even if she was not in school.

Since you were planning on moving out of your family home and into a “bachelor apartment” before you met Veronica, I suggest you stay that course. Perhaps a separation is what you and your wife both need in order to clear the air between the two of you. Should you decide to remain separated, I would suggest a legal separation over a divorce with consideration for your status in the Church. People rarely take it well when their religious leaders go through a divorce and want to know the details as to why it is happening. Once separated, I think your sex life should be an issue between you and your conscience – I am not going to judge you; but I am not comfortable advising you, either.

If after an appropriate amount of time has passed you still seek to court Veronica, make it abundantly clear to all that it is you who sought her, not the other way around. Whether you realize it or not, you hold much of the power in this situation, and could do a lot of harm to the reputations of both your wife and Veronica if you do not consider things from their point of view.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Marital Issues Have More Than One Solution

Dear Tazi:

I am friends with what has to be the most annoying couple on the face of the earth, “Tony” and “Toni” (yes, they have matching names, but I have changed them so please don’t change them again). I have known Tony since we were children, and he is a great guy to be around, most of the time, so I would hate to lose his friendship, but get him around Toni and he becomes an obnoxious bore.

Tony and Toni have had marital problems on and off from the better half of their marriage. They have children and cannot afford to get divorced, although they have separated several times, with Tony crashing on my couch and Toni getting their home and the kids. When Tony is away from Toni, he is the guy I enjoy being friends with – easygoing, determined to work hard and make a good life for himself and his kids. When Tony is with Toni he turns into Mr. Awesome Husband who can’t do enough to keep his wife happy, even if it leads to his own misery (which it often does). I don’t think my buddy deserves this, and I have suggested that maybe he should make the next separation a permanent one.

Toni thinks I am a bad influence on Tony because I am single (never married) and have no children. She thinks I want them to end their marriage so I have another single guy to pal around with, which is just plain crazy. I happen to know that Toni does plenty of “palling around” with other guys when she and Tony are on one of their breaks, so her devoted wife act isn’t fooling me.

Toni is talking about moving out of state for the “fresh start” she feels she and Tony need to save their marriage. She has recently completed training as a nail salon tech (what I call a manicurist) and wants to move to someplace warm and touristy where people get both manicures and pedicures year round. She thinks she will get more business this way, and she may be right, but what about Tony? Tony has fifteen years in with the same company, and is hoping for a big promotion next year. Toni has been throwing the old “If you really loved me…” line at him, trying to guilt him into leaving his secure job, friends, and family to follow her dream of being a manicurist. I know all of this because Tony complains about it to me all the time. I want to tell him to be a man and stand up for himself, but he is afraid that if he divorces Toni she will take the kids and move somewhere far away. What’s you take on the situation, Tazi?

Signed,

Best Friend In A Bad Spot

Dear Best Friend In A Bad Spot:

You seem to know a LOT about Tony and Toni’s marriage; I am not certain that you are not Tony himself and just pretending to be his best friend. For that reason alone I will not suggest that you butt out of your friend’s affairs, and will offer you my advice.

All marriages have difficulties; it is a fact of life. It is how you deal with those difficulties that will determine whether or not the marriage will last. Since there are children involved, this adds another dimension as to how to go about trying to save the marriage, and doing whatever must be done to give the children a well-adjusted life throughout the process, and beyond. The back and forth separations that are occurring between Tony and Toni are not healthy for anyone directly affected by these changes – the children, Tony and Tony, you as the best friend stuck in between the two, and the men who get involved with Toni thinking they stand a chance at a future with her. The time has come to end all of this drama!

You write that Tony becomes Mr. Awesome Husband after each separation has been reconciled, but it is at the expense of his own happiness, so obviously these reconciliatory events are one sided and favoring Toni. I get the impression, based upon this evidence and her “If you really loved me…” ultimatums that she is emotionally abusing Tony, perhaps even using their children as a pawn to get him to submit to her will. No one should have to live like this.

The next time Tony starts complaining to you about his problems, suggest that he complain to a marital counselor instead. A disinterested third party is what is needed here to sort through the he said/she said dynamic and the deep rooted issues that are keeping Tony and Toni ever on the edge of another separation.

If the marriage cannot be saved and divorce is the path they choose to follow, Tony should stand up for his rights as a father. Nowadays, more and more divorced fathers are petitioning for physical custody of their children, and many of them are winning their cases. A judge can decided what is best for the children; sometimes, staying in familiar surroundings with their father is better for them than being yanked halfway across the country in order to stay with their mother.

Snuggles,

Tazi

P.S. Since Toni is looking for steady, year-round work as a nail tech in a “warm and touristy” area, why not suggest she look for work on a cruise ship or in an upscale hotel with a spa? This solves the problem of moving and also provides a venue that offers the opportunity for year-round manis and pedis.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Once Married, Who Owns The Engagement Ring?

Dear Tazi:

When I met my husband a dozen years ago, he made his living as a day-trader. Because this was during the dot-com boom, he made a fair share of money before taking some paper losses, and was able to further invest that money. When we got engaged a few years later, he bought me a very expensive engagement ring with the portion of the money he had made.

In the years since we married, my husband's investments have take a turn for the worse. He is not out of money to invest, nor are we in danger of ruining our credit with bad debt, but my husband feels it would be best if we liquidated our assets. By this he means sell my engagement ring. I was shocked at his suggestion, but he informed me he paid $15,000 for it and thinks he would be able to get $10,000 for it now.

Tazi, my ring means a lot to me - not because of it's financial worth, but because of the sentimental worth it has to me. I do not wish to sell my ring, and have told my husband as much. He has told me that the ring was *his* investment and that she should be allowed to sell it if he so desires; I say the ring was a gift and that it is mine to keep. Which of us is right, Tazi? Do I have to part with my engagement ring?

Signed,
Sentimental Woman

Dear Sentimental Woman:

Are you certain of the state of your financial affairs? I ask because your husband is acting like he has something to hide. Therefore, I will tell it to you straight - please relay this message to him: the reason they say a diamond is forever is because you can't get rid of them; they have horrible re-sale value. The $15,000 diamond he purchased ten years ago might sell $10,000 retail, but a wholesaler would offer half this amount - or less - and a pawn broker would pay even less.

If your husband is still day-trading, I would suggest that he stop. If he has reached the point where he needs to sell his wife's engagement ring to finance his investments, he obviously does not have the money to invest at this time, regardless of what you have been led to believe. If he insists on investing, in spite of his lack of liquid assets, your husband may be a gambling addict. Day-trading can be as addictive as playing the slots.

As for who owns your engagement ring, that is a question that is usually decided by the courts; however, since you are still married, I would argue that it was given as a gift and is yours to keep if that is what you desire.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Marriage Is For Many Reasons, Not Just Children

Dear Tazi:

I have been married to my wonderful husband "Fred" for three years, and have been trying to conceive for almost a year now. On a recent visit to the doctor for my annual exam, it was discovered that I have ovarian cysts, which could be the reason I have been unable to get pregnant. The doctor said that the fact that I have cysts does not mean that I can't get pregnant, but it may make getting pregnant difficult; and she suggested further testing.

Tazi, Fred wants children more than anything in the world; and I am afraid that if I tell him I can't conceive, he will leave me for someone who can. On the other hand, it pains me (emotionally, not physically) to make love to my husband knowing that it will probably not result in the pregnancy we both desire. I hate keeping secrets from my husband, but I am also afraid of losing him. Any advice, little kitty?

Signed,
Inconceivable!

Dear Inconceivable:

As a fan of The Princess Bride, your signature made me smile...and reminded me of the love between Wesley and Buttercup; which one hopes is the kind of love every married person feels for their spouse. When your husband married you, he did so "for better or worse, in sickness and in health..." He did not say, "I Fred take your uterus to be my lawfully wedded wife..."; he took ALL of you, declaring his love for you as a woman, not as an incubator.

You state that your husband wants children "more than anything in the world". Is this because he simply wants a child, or because he wants a child with you? Eventually, the idea of infertility testing will have to be approached (for Fred, too), so now is a good time to discuss the matter in an open and honest way. Ask Fred how it would affect your marriage if you could not have children. If for some reason Fred is resistant to fertility testing, it could be that he is afraid that there is a problem on his end; making testing all the more important.

If tests show that you are unable to conceive as a couple, there are options outside of divorce/infidelity that will help you fulfill your dreams of having children. Adoption is a wonderful way to complete your family, and is one avenue to consider. If you decide that adoption is not for you; surrogacy (though very expensive) is another option, as are (also expensive) fertility treatments and IVF [in vitro fertilization] which, depending on where you live, may be covered by your health insurance.

If, in the end, you are unable to conceive and Fred feels that leaving you is the only viable option, perhaps you would be better off without him. I know this sounds harsh, but you deserve a man who loves you as a whole person. However, I would give Fred the benefit of the doubt before you jump to such drastic conclusions. I have seen such situations before, and I think you are giving your husband far too little credit. The heartbreak of infertility can lead us to jump to such dire conclusions.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Barb-Throwing Father-In-Law A Menace To Young Family

Dear Tazi:

You have got to be the sweetest kitty-cat on the face of the earth, taking time out of your busy nap schedule to help us humans with our problems. Will you please help me with mine?

My father-in-law, "Chuckie" is an absolute nightmare. The man is mentally abusive, and gets off on making people cry. When I first met my husband, he told me to my face that I wasn't good enough for his son, "Barry". At our wedding (mine and Barry's) Chuckie stood up as if to toast us and announced he was starting a betting pool on how long our marriage would last, inviting the guests to place their wagers. When I got pregnant with our first child, Chuckie asked Barry (to both of our faces) if he was sure it was his kid, since "your wife is such a slut"! Tazi, I am not a slut and yes, the child is Barry's!

I am now pregnant with my second child (my first is almost two) and Chuckie is at it again, telling Barry that I will be "two tons of fun" after our second child is born, based on the fact that I did not lose the last 10 pounds from my first pregnancy. I know that my husband loves me unconditionally - and he has told me as much, in case I did not - but the stress of being around Chuckie is taking its toll on me. I do not want him visiting the house (he complains that I am a poor housekeeper, which I am not) and I do not want him around the children. My husband feels the same way, but will not stand up to his father and allows him to see our young son whenever he wants, which means Chuckie is over all the time.

I have tried kicking Chuckie out but he refuses to leave, saying "[his] son's paycheck pays the mortgage", and until Barry kicks him out he will "stay as long as he [darn] well pleases!" He then taunts me, telling me to "call the cops" if I don't like it. I am sorely tempted to do just that, but I know that it would only put my husband deeper into the middle of the problem; maybe even forcing him to choose between his father and me. Do you have any less drastic suggestions?

Signed,
Not Perfect, But Perfect For Barry

P.S. Barry's mother passed away years ago, so I cannot seek her out for assistance!

Dear Not Perfect...:

Does Chuckie have a key to your house? If so, change your locks; and do not open the door to him when he stops by to see your child. That solves the problem of his invading your home when his son is not there. If Chuckie comes there when your husband is home, that makes him a guest of your husband - not you, so feel free to take your child out to the park, for ice-cream, on errands, or whatever excuse you need to get the two of you out of the house while Chuckie is there. This allows for you and your husband to execute your desire to keep the children from Chuckie without putting your husband in the position of standing up to his father. (A Tazi Paw Slap of Disgust to him for not standing up for you, though!).

If Chuckie complains that you do not allow him to visit the children, tell him why you are keeping them from him: because he is mentally abusive, and you will not have them learning such atrocious habits. Once Chuckie sees that his comments are not playful or fun (as I am sure he sees them) and that hurling them at you will have negative consequences for him, he may decide to lighten up a bit. If he does not, continue to do what you must to protect your children from Chuckie's hateful and hurtful behavior, even if it means allowing only minimal (and always supervised) contact with him.

As for the insults Chuckie hurls at you in front of your husband: turn the insults around. If Chuckie calls you a slut, tell him that Barry got his taste in women from his father. If Chuckie calls you a bad housekeeper, hand him a mop and challenge him to do better. If Chuckie calls you fat, tell him that "not everyone can carry all their fat between their ears like you", implying that he is a "fathead". In time, you will learn how to stand up for yourself; and your father-in-law will either let up on the insults, having felt their sting; or you will discover that he enjoys the barb-throwing - at which point you will need to decide whether or not to ignore him.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. Thank you for all the lovely compliments! I do appreciate them! Purrrrrrrr....


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Spark Needs Rekindling For Loveless Marriage To Survive

Dear Tazi:

I have been married for almost twenty years now, and have four beautiful children ranging in age from 15 to 5. I love my family dearly, but I no longer love my husband, “Fred”. I do not wish to break up our family with a divorce, but I no longer wish to have a physically intimate relationship with Fred. I have tried to explain this to my husband, but all he did was get angry and tell me that I needed counseling. He also informed me that he would not settle for a sexless marriage. I gave him permission to have an affair, so long as he doesn’t bring it home, but he refused; he said he doesn’t want just any woman, he wants me. He also refuses to consider divorce, and is constantly guilt tripping me into performing my “wifely duties”. I feel so worthless after this happens.

I have been screened for depression and other mental illnesses, as well as gynecological causes for my lack of desire for Fred. Fred is a wonderful father and a good provider and as great a friend as a person could want – but I no longer love him in a romantic way. I have spoken with a counselor on a few occasions, but we were unable to get very far. The counselor suggested I try to remember the love I felt for Fred when we first got married, but so much has changed since then – in our lives, and within ourselves.

At Fred’s request, I left my full-time job after our second child was born (80% of my income would have gone to child-care anyway) and have not worked professionally in over ten years, another reason I could not leave him. I have no support from my family, who has told me that vows taken before God are not to be broken, whatever the reason. I feel trapped and alone and I don’t know where else to turn! All of my friends seem so happy in their marriages, I feel like they would never understand what I am going through or how to offer help. When I am alone, I cuddle my cat Boots and cry in his fur, which gave me the idea of writing to you.

Signed,

Not Alone But Lonely

Dear Not Alone But Lonely:

You describe your husband as an absolute prince – up until the point he guilt trips you into having sex when you would rather not, which leaves you feeling “worthless” afterwards. Surely your distress is obvious to your husband, yet he continues to put his physical desires before your mental health. I am probably going to get clobbered by every guy on the planet for saying this, but your husband needs to learn to control his urges!

I have a message for your husband that I would like you to deliver: guilt-tripping a woman into having sex is not going to succeed in making her feel closer to you; rather, it will increase the repulsion she feels towards you. Each time he pulls you close to him physically he is pushing you further and further away emotionally. I believe that marital counseling could do a world of good for your marriage, and for the way the two of you communicate with each other.

Marital love does not die overnight; loss of affection is a process that builds, constructed through changes in life (such as the addition of children); stresses not dealt with (such as the loss of one income and/or loss of fulfillment from career); and as you alluded to, the changes that occur within people. If we do not work to remain familiar with each other, we assume too much and in time wake up next to a spouse that has become a stranger.

In order to get your marriage back on track, you are going to have to be willing to put in the effort to see your husband as you once did, and he is going to have to do his part to win your heart all over again. I suggest that you start by dating again – that is, dating each other. Start by planning a coffee date and sharing all those awkward details about yourself that you would share on a first date; things you and your husband may have forgotten about each other. In short, get to know each other again. You might be surprised to discover how fun this is! Once you move past the having coffee stage, try for an evening out – dinner and dancing is always a good way to rekindle romance. Do not go into these dates expecting the night to end in physical intimacy, but work towards that eventual goal – just like you did when you were dating.

Putting your marriage back together is going to be a process, so do not expect things to turn perfect overnight. Build upon the things you learn about each other. If your husband mentions his favorite food, try to incorporate it into a meal; if you should mention your favorite pastime, he could plan a date revolving around it. Each of you must show the other that they are actually listening when you speak to them! I cannot guarantee that you will fall back in love with your husband, but I do know that it is easier to fall in love with someone who is “a wonderful father and a good provider and as great a friend as a person could want” than to try and find his replacement in another.

Snuggles,

Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.