Donut Shop Has More Than Just Coffee To Bring In Customers

Dear Tazi:

My husband of thirty-eight years retired this past summer and he is driving me crazy. Most of what he does I can handle, and I expect things to get better with time. We have weathered worse storms in our long marriage and this, too, shall pass. My issue is with his morning trip to the coffee shop.

Since retiring, every morning "Jeff" goes to the coffee shop for his morning brew. He claims that he wants to meet up with the guys and shoot the bull. I have suggested that they save money and have their coffee dates at our place, but he brushed off my idea, saying that the guys would never go for it, adding that their "meetings" are not "dates". Jeff is generally gone all morning, giving me blessed relief from his nitpicking about how I handle the housework, but I do not think that it is fair that he gets to relax with his friends all morning while I spend the same time cleaning up his messes - his dirty dishes, his dirty laundry that he leaves on the floor, his shaved whiskers in the bathroom sink, etc.

I am firm about my point that since we are retired we need to save money where we can, and coffee can just as easily be brewed fresh at home and drunk on the porch as it can at the coffee shop. I decided it was time to put my foot down and went to the coffee shop to purchase a pound of their ground coffee for home brewing, and I got an eyeful when I walked into the place!

My husband was there with his buddies, having coffee and promised, but they were also oogling the young coffee servers, young ladies who were dressed in tight pants and low-cut blouses that showed off more than needed to be shown to serve coffee! I was so horrified I walked out without buying the coffee! When I got home, I called Jeff and told him to pick up a pound or two, because he will not be returning to that place with my blessing!

When Jeff returned home, he had not purchased the coffee. Worse, he accused me of spying on him and told me that he will continue to have coffee with his buddies and to "enjoy the scenery". I am devastated to know that my husband thinks so little of our marital vows! He insists that looking is not cheating, and if the girls are going to flaunt it he has the right to look. I have written a sternly worded letter to the coffee shop manager, but never received a response. In the meantime, an icy field has developed between my husband and me. Am I making mountains out of molehills, Tazi? Let me add that not one of those girls had "molehills"; they were all pretty "mountainous".

Signed,
Feeling Chilled Down South

Dear Feeling Chilled Down South:

Men the world over are going to be the kind of men that they are, regardless of how they would like to present themselves to their spouses. It sounds to me that your husband is turning into a dirty old man - a vision of himself that he would rather you not have seen. If going to the coffee shop to have coffee with his buddies is all Jeff's trips are about, he would probably not have an issue inviting the guys over to the house or even taking turns meeting at each other's houses.

Your husband has admitted that he goes to "enjoy the scenery"; he has been busted, no two ways about it. At least he did not insult your intelligence by denying it. As long as he does not escalate by moving his morning coffee meets to the local strip club I suggest letting the matter drop. These women are young enough to be his daughter or even his granddaughter - you might want to point out this fact to him, and see if it cools his ardor a bit. Sometimes, seeing ourselves as others see us is all it takes to push us into changing our less than charming behaviors.

I can understand why you would be upset enough over this situation to write a letter to the coffee shop manager, but a very unscientific survey of the waitresses in my life reveals that the more that they reveal to their customers, the larger the tips they receive. As disheartening as I find this, the truth is that sex sells, and many of these young women need their tips to survive; they are not saving pin money, they are earning rent money.

With regard to the second half of your problem - your disgust for your husband's slovenly behavior. Is this something new or has he always expected you to be his maid? Are you only reacting now because he has retired and you still have to work at keeping house? As you mention, a marriage of thirty-eight years cannot last without weathering the storms, and this is one more swell your boat will have to navigate. I suggest that you discuss your disgust of your husband's home habits to get to the root of your anger towards him. I also suggest that you not try to control him - the tighter you pull the leash the more he will work to slip out of it.

Snuggles,
Tazi





Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Should A Person Tip The Counter-Person For A Plain, Black Coffee?

Dear Tazi:

I am out of work, so my income is very limited. My one treat is to meet my friends at a local coffee shop on Saturday mornings, where I order a plain coffee - no bells and whistles, no mochalattechino-extra-sweet-hold-the-foam; just a regular coffee, which I drink black. If it sounds like it takes very little effort to make my coffee the way I like it, that is because it does take very little effort to make my coffee the way I like it.

Because I drink my coffee so plain and because I am on a strict budget, I do not tip the teenager behind the counter who has the nerve to call herself a "Barista"; a trained monkey could make my coffee! Because I don't tip, the girl is less pleasant to me than she is to my friends; at times, she is downright hostile, practically throwing my coffee at me from across the counter in her rush to move on to the next customer, who presumably will tip her.

I have been considering complaining to the manager about this employee, but when I mentioned this to my group of friends a debate ensued. Some argued that the word "TIPS" is an acronym meaning "To Insure Prompt Service" and that by not tipping I should not be surprised by the poor service; others sided with me, saying that a black coffee is not something that is complicated to prepare and takes far less effort and expertise than a cappuccino or other upscale drink, so a tip should not be expected. Another friend argued that waitresses are paid below minimum wage and that their tips boost their income high enough to make a living, while a fourth friend pointed out that coffee-servers are not considered waitstaff and have to be paid at least minimum wage.

Tazi, my service is prompt; it is just not particularly courteous. My server is a teenager who, from what I have overheard, lives at home with her parents and does not yet have to worry about making a living. Am I committing a social faux pas by not tipping? What is your take on the situation?

Signed,
On A Budget

Dear On A Budget:

My take on the situation is that the little acronym your friend used is grammatically incorrect. To insure something limits your financial liability in the event of litigation; to ensure something is to take steps to guarantee that an event or condition occurs to your satisfaction. Sorry if this is off-topic, but incorrect grammar is a pet peeve of mine! (And of Grammar Girl's...she backs me up on this one!).

As for my opinion of tipping the Barista - which is what she is, if she has been professionally trained to make fancy coffee drinks - is that you should tip according to the amount of effort that went into preparing your beverage. "Barista" is the Italian word for "bartender"; would you not tip the bartender because all they did was pop the cap off of a beer for you? Would you tip him or her a dollar for this service, or would you just leave the coins from your change on the bar?

I admit that pouring someone a black coffee takes no special effort and that the Barista is just doing the job for which she is probably paid minimum wage plus tips. Since her attitude towards you is as bitter as a French Roast I am not going to suggest you tip her in order to improve her personality; this amounts to no more than blackmail on her part - tip me or else I'll be a jerk to you is no way to treat a customer.

If the coffee shop has a comment card than I suggest you fill one out, writing the Barista's name and what she can do to improve her attitude towards customers. If after a reasonable amount of time you do not see an improvement, you should then mention something to the manager. I also suggest that if you or your friends order something that needs to be made to your specific tastes - and if it was made well - that you drop your loose change into the tip jar; it's the courteous thing to do for someone who provides you with good, personalized service. As comedian Chris Rock put it, minimum wage is an insult; it's like saying "Hey, if I could pay you less I would - but it's against the law".

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

To Break Up Or Not To Break Up? THAT Is The Question!

Dear Tazi,

I need your cat-wisdom. I know the human idea of only having one lover at a time seems impractical to your polyamorous feline ways, but it works for some people. I'm having problems with my girlfriend; I feel like I had given so much effort in the past (like above and beyond), not expecting that much in return, but at least hoping for some level of joy and passion I felt in the beginning.

For many of the holidays I've received gifts that reflected her interests more than mine. Mostly they were very thoughtful, but most I could have picked up from the store and given to any of my friends and they would have been appreciative. I'm not being superficial; I just want to know that my partner actually knows what I like outside of what we have in common.

She says I get upset a lot, and that's probably true. But before I bring up a complaint, I try to think about it to see if I'm overreacting, and then I ask her about it. But the issues never feel resolved. I get more questions and doubts.

I feel like a part-time boyfriend. I feel like I disappear when we're not immediately together or that I will never really know about her life outside of what we have together. It's not that I'm nosy; I'm just genuinely interested in her life. But she doesn't really think it's my business, per se.

I know I can be difficult; I'm jealous, over-sensitive, emotional, stubborn, sarcastic, blunt, etc. But I know I'm a great boyfriend; I'm adoring, not high-maintenance, capable of unconditional love, attentive to her needs, supportive, and I make plenty of room for her own space.

I'm receiving lots of outside advice saying I should think about if I'm happy, and if I'm not (which they say I don't appear to be happy or satisfied), that I should break up with her. They tell me I can do better, and that I'm an attractive guy and that there's someone else waiting. I get uneasy when they talk like this, like me even listening to the conversation is making me unfaithful.

I love her, and I'm willing to shell out even more effort for us, but I'm so scared things will never change for the better.

Please help me, Tazi!

Sincerely,
Scared & Confused

Dear Scared & Confused:

So many issues all at once! I can see why your outside advice givers are recommending a break-up, but I like to leave the drastic measures as a plan of last resort. From what I see in my mailbag, a lot of couples who break up end up getting back together and riding an emotional merry-go-round as they try to make things work. To me, this is like trying to repair a broken window: all the pieces may fit back together, but there are still visible cracks that remind you of what happened to cause the break; this can put further stress on an already fragile relationship. Since you and your girlfriend have not yet broken up, saving the relationship now will be easier to do than after a break-up; I will try to address your concerns in the order you have written them!

To start, gift giving can be a chore, even for someone who likes to shop. Sometimes, as well as humans know each other, they are scared to stray from the known path and get into a safe but boring gift-giving rut. Something I see humans doing a lot of is list making; you could make a list of “Awesome Stuff I Want (When I Can Afford Them)” and tack it to your refrigerator door or somewhere else your girlfriend will see it. Include different price points from inexpensive (pine scented candle so your bathroom does not smell bad); moderate (CK One cologne so you do not smell bad); to expensive (Beer Brewer’s weekend getaway at the Woodstock Station (NH) Inn and Brewery where it naturally smells of pine and CK One notes). If your lady friend sees something on the list that she likes you can be assured that it will show up at your next gift-receiving event! If nothing more, the list can be a conversation starter between you and her offering insight into your lesser known interests.

Second, on the issue of unresolved issues: If an issue feels unresolved that means it is – at least for you, and unless an issue is resolved for both members of the couple it remains an issue in the relationship. When discussing these unresolved issues, try bringing them up at an appropriate time – like when she is relaxing on the couch, not when she is screaming that the toilet is overflowing and the plunger is missing. Timing is essential. You could also try to use “I Language”, which will help you to frame the issue as something that has you feeling insecure and not as something your partner has done wrong.

Don't you hate when this happens?
You do not say how long you and your girlfriend have been together, but I read that “many of the holidays” have passed in the span of your relationship, so to not know about her life outside of what you have together is disconcerting. Have you expressed an interest in meeting her friends? Has she shown an interest in meeting yours? A sign that someone sees you as a long-term partner is the introduction to the members of their inner circle. (My Mommie was dating my “Uncle” for only a month when her best friend got married, so Mommie did not take him to the wedding although she now wishes she did). If you have met her friends and family, try to let go of your insecurities and ask yourself what exactly she is keeping from you. If she does not talk about work it could be because she likes to leave it at the office; if she does not like to talk about what she and her girlfriends discussed over coffee, be grateful! Trust me; you do not want to know!



If, however, she is closing you out of her life altogether this could be a signal that she is not ready to fully commit – like the woman who hides her engagement ring when an attractive man looks her way, she may be afraid that she is settling.

The personal qualities that you list as negatives – “jealous, over-sensitive, emotional, stubborn, sarcastic, blunt, etc” – are characteristics that many people love (especially sarcastic, blunt, and emotional). If this is a part of who you are, your lady friend should love you because of them, not in spite of them. The positive qualities you list are going to leave my mailbox full of requests for your contact information, which I am sure you already receive from people you meet in person, if you let these qualities show. In the end, you have to ask yourself, “Am I allowed to be myself in this relationship? Does my partner love me for who I am, or for who they think I am? Do they love me because of how I act or in spite of how I act?” Once you know the answers to these questions, the decision to work on your relationship or to let go will be easier to answer.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.