Siblings As Roommates Can Lead To Squabbling

Dear Tazi:

I am a senior in college and will be graduating in a few months and unless a full-time job comes through real soon it looks like I will be moving back home with Mom. I would really not prefer to do this after four years of living on my own, but I cannot afford to keep my apartment on my own, and my two roommates will be moving back to their hometowns.

I started selectively putting the word out that I am looking for new roommates, telling a few trusted friends who know what I am looking for in a roommate. The problem is that my sister's boyfriend was one of those people, and he accidentally let it slip that I was looking for a roommate. I love my sister, but have no desire to live with her - which is what she wants now that she knows I am looking for a roommate.

"Janie" keeps talking about how great it will be if we live together, how it will be just like things were when we were growing up - which is the problem. When we were growing up, Janie always tried to boss me around and was constantly butting into my business. On top of this, Janie is an incredibly controlling neat freak while I prefer a more relaxed atmosphere. I am not a slob, but I do have a tendency to leave my shoes in the living room and the toilet seat up, both habits that send Janie into screaming fits of rage.

I don't want to hurt my sister's feelings, but how can I do that and get out of having her move in with me?

Signed,
Roommate Dilemma

Dear Roommate Dilemma:

The simplest way to tell your sister that you do not want to be her roommate is to be straightforward and honest without being brutally honest. Tell Janie that you have given a great deal of thought to the idea of her being your roommate, but that you are afraid that your vastly different lifestyles would drive a wedge between the two of you, and instead of growing closer as siblings you would probably grow apart. This response will not only address your desire find a roommate more compatible with your lifestyle, it will also address what I believe Janie is fearing: that as you both age, your close sibling relationship is starting to fade.

It is obvious from Janie's sentimental memories of your childhood that she remembers things differently than you, and that she cherished the time you two had together growing up. When is the last time you spent any real time with your sister? Between your studies and work and her own life's obligations, time together as siblings has probably taken a back-seat to other priorities. Now that you are moving forward in your life, why not fill some of your free time with family?

I suggest that you let Janie know that you will be continuing your search for new roommates, but would like to make a point of spending time with her - say getting together for lunch  or drinks after work once a week. Once Janie realizes that she is still important to you and that you value your relationship with her she will probably back off on the idea of being roommates - especially when you remind her of how you prefer to keep the toilet seat in the up position.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Religious Misunderstandings Lead To A Host Of Problems In This Relationship

Dear Tazi:

I will be graduating college in a few months, and my boyfriend of six months suggests that we get married.  I love him very much, and think I would like to marry him.  There is just one problem: He is Muslim and I am Catholic.  I did not think our difference in religion would be difficult to overcome.  I am a strict Catholic - no sex, no drugs, no rock and roll - and he is a strict Muslim.  While discussing marriage, I have discovered just how strict.

"Mohammad" would like me to convert to Islam before we marry, and expects me to follow all of the laws of Islam, including wearing a hijab [Islamic face veil], staying at home instead of working, and being obedient to his word.  I was quite taken aback by these requests and asked Mohammad how he would feel if I asked the same of him.  He replied that such a request is both culturally and religiously out of the question that "your Bible states that women should obey their husbands; your culture requires you to take your husband's last name, making you his subservient".  Tazi, I never thought about things this way!

I am now very confused about everything I have always believed!  Yes, the Bible says to obey my husband; but that is Old Testament stuff, written back when women were considered property.  Is there a more modern translation?  And as for changing my last name, that is tradition!  It does not mean I am subservient to my husband, does it?

I am 22 years old, and am no longer sure of my place in the world.  I love my boyfriend, but am no longer sure of how much.  I don't want to abandon my religion, but looking at what the Bible says, I feel like it does not respect me as a woman.  Do you have any answers for me, Tazi?

Signed,
Devoted, But No Longer Hopelessly

Dear Devoted But No Longer Hopelessly:

It is not a good idea to take anything religious or cultural at face value.  That is how you end up feeling confused and dispirited as you are now.  Mohammed is correct that the Bible tells women to "submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord" (Ephesians 5:22), but it also says - a few verses later - "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it" (Ephesians 5:25).  

What does this all mean?  Back when these verses were written, women were property of their husbands, and punishments for being disobedient were quite primitive.  The Biblical demand of wifely obedience was promoting a woman's best interests.  The sticking point is the second verse, ordering husbands to love their wives - to the point of ultimate respect, even to the point where they would give their lives for them.  This verse suggests that a husband should always put his wife's care above his own, and put her best interests above his own desires.  (For example, if the wife is not feeling well the husband is Biblically commanded not to demand sex with her).  Could you "obey" a man who would treat you in this manner?  Can Mohammad be this type of man?  Rather than question your religious beliefs, question your boyfriend.

As for the cultural practice of taking your husband's last name upon marriage, this did originate as a sign of ownership - but then so did the engagement/wedding ring, the printing of a bride's photo in the paper (announcing that she is off the market) and other traditions Americans consider sacred.  The continued practice of these cherished traditions does not mean that the original meaning still applies.

I, personally, find the Spanish tradition of a bride keeping her maiden name and adding "de + her husband's name" quite charming - the literal meaning being she is now of her husband's family, while still retaining her identity.  Here in America, women will follow this tradition by hyphenating their last name with their maiden name, and many families make allowances for differences in religion.  I have family members who are of mixed beliefs, and the traditions of both religions are honored (if not practiced) in their homes.  All of these points are things you can discuss with Mohammed as you try to figure out if you still have a future together.

For further counsel, I suggest you talk over your issues with a clergy member - a priest or a religious brother/sister - or a layperson who works as a spiritual adviser.  Most college campuses have some form of campus ministry, and its members are trained to work with young people.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

"Creeper" Needs To Crawl Back Under His Rock

Dear Tazi:

Here is my issue. I am single woman who has never been in a relationship. Right now in my life I do not want one. I am 22 and in college, working towards a successful career. I plan on going to graduate school and have no desire to date or be in a relationship. However, that does not stop the creepers from being attracted to me. It seems that any one who is interested in me is either a loser, a creeper, or married.

I have this one married guy who seems to be very interested in me. I have known him for about 5 years and only within the past year figured out he was married. The only reason why I figured it out was through Facebook. I see "Seymour" about once a year because we both volunteer at the same annual event. I will admit that we have has a flirtatious relationship, but I would never act on it. I figured it was a joke. Now though, I think he has a different idea. He texted me a month after the event saying how I was "a severe temptation" and that he "has to be good around me". I am not sure what Seymour means, but it was clear that he was not joking. Now he has been poking me on Facebook. I think I made a mistake by poking him back and continued to poke him back.

Tazi, I do not know what to do. Seymour is married and regardless I would not pursue anything with him. My fear is that next year at our volunteer event things are going to be wicked AWKWARD. Any suggestion on what I can do to stop attracting the creepers and not make things awkward with married guy?

Signed,
Fish Out Of Water

Dear Fish Out Of Water:

It is fun to flirt, isn't it? I love flirting with the visitors that enter my home! I will pretend to be shy, just to watch them bend over backwards to get my attention! Everyone loves attention, so I can understand why you would playfully flirt with someone that did not interest you - no harm, no foul; right?

Potential relationships can be scary for anyone, but especially for the uninitiated. Paws up to you for concentrating on your education and putting your career training ahead of boys; but it appears this has left you with a lack of experience in dealing with the laws of attraction. Rule #1 is that the less available someone is, the more attractive they become. Because Seymour sees you as a forbidden fruit you are all the sweeter to him - thus the comment that you are "a severe temptation". I am not saying that if he were single he would not find you attractive; just that he would not be acting like a creeper. And that is the issue at hand, isn't it? If Seymour continued to act like a gentleman, would you feel more comfortable around him?

The first step to stopping the creepy behavior is to stop poking him - this will prevent him from poking you back. Is it possible to dismiss a poke without poking someone back? If so, try doing this. If Seymour continues to try and poke you, continue to ignore the pokes. Unless he is a complete dunce, he should get the message.

As for how to avoid the awkwardness at your next annual event: You do not say when it is or how much time will pass before you see Seymour at this event; but perhaps time will heal the awkwardness. If that is not possible, please do not ignore the proverbial elephant in the room. If you see him, you can laughingly say "POKE!" to break the ice. If he responds, take the opportunity to tell him that you are glad that there are "no hard feelings about any misunderstanding that may have occurred". If he asks for details, simply say that you felt he may have taken your harmless flirtation the wrong way. If he still tries to push for details, just say "I think I hear your wife calling for you" and walk away.

As for how to prevent creepers in the future; there is no one easy answer. A friendly, simple, "I'm not playing hard to get, I'm just not interested in you" will get the point across nicely. It may be blunt, but creepers will not understand subtlety. If they continue trying, simply repeat the above line, word for word. Creepers thrive on drama, and if you give it to them they will be back for more. Nothing is more boring to a creeper than hearing the same, even-toned reaction over and over again.

Good luck in graduate school and in your future career!

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. Have you "Liked" me on Facebook yet? Check me out at www.facebook.com/AskTazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Exotic Dancer Offers Advice For College Student Considering The Field

Dear Tazi:

When I read the letter from the young woman who is considering working as an exotic dancer to pay her way through college I knew that I had to write. As one who has been in her situation, I think your advice was right-on; although I made a lot of money as a dancer, it cost me in other ways.

I was a good dancer – I mean really, really good. I took classical ballet, jazz, and modern dance from the time I was three years old, so I knew how to dance and incorporated many of my moves on the pole and on the stage. I was clearing over a thousand dollars a week and receiving expensive gifts (in secret, of course) from clientele who sought to “romance” me. I thought I had the world of a string, as my Grandma used to say!


After graduating – debt free – I went on to pursue a Master’s Degree and continued dancing to pay the bills, even though I was getting a little tired of it. The job is draining, both physically and mentally. Dancing isn’t exactly the type of job you can list on your résumé, so the only experience I had to list was co-op and internship positions, which I was smart enough to get while still a student. Once I got my graduate degree I thought I would be able to put dancing in my past, but I realized it was not going to be that easy. I got dressed up to go on my first professional job interview, walked into the Interviewer’s office, and came face to face with a former regular to my club. When I saw the look of recognition on his face I did not even have the courage to sit down; I turned around and walked right out of there, figuring he would call if he was interested in hiring me, but as expected that phone call never came.

After that incident, I was too upset to continue looking for work in the city where I went to school so I moved back home and looked for work in the large cities in that region of the country, where nobody knew of my past. I am not ashamed of my past, but there were a lot of business people who looked at me as if my past was shameful, which was hypocritical because they were the clientele that kept me employed as an exotic dancer.

That’s all I have to say, Tazi. I hope my story helps that young woman make an informed decision.

Signed,
The Dancer Formerly Known As Peppermint

Dear The Dancer Formerly Known As Peppermint:

Thank you for sharing your story and your words of wisdom. So often when we are in desperate circumstances we cannot see past the immediate gains that are being offered, not realizing that we may be putting ourselves further into dire straits.

"Tempted", if you are reading this, I hope you take the former “Peppermint’s” advice to heart and take a waitressing job instead.

Snuggles to both of you,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Good Money Does Not Mean The Job Will Be A Good Fit

Dear Tazi:

I am 18 years old and have the opportunity of a lifetime to go to an Ivy League school. My financial aid package will cover all of my tuition and fees, with a little bit left over for books, but I will still have to pay for my room, board, and living expenses. I am concerned as to how I will be able to work enough to pay for all this and study enough to keep my grades strong. I have a friend who suggested I try working in a gentlemen’s club. She said that I do not have to take my clothes off, that gentlemen’s clubs are different than strip clubs; that their cocktail waitresses dress sexy and make very good money without having to worry about men pawing them. She knows so much because she secretly works in one. Last year, she made over $60,000, working part-time during the school year and full-time during semester breaks.

My friend tells me that I have the figure and the looks to work as a cocktail waitress, as well as the experience from working in the local diner. I know how to be sweet and charming, but also how to hold my own against the tough customers who think that their large tips can buy them a little something extra. I like the idea of making good money while I am still in school, but I feel like I would be selling out my morals if I went to work in a tawdry place like a gentlemen’s club. Plus, as a student at an Ivy League I would have a certain level of sophistication to uphold, one that runs contradictory to working as a cocktail waitress, and yet the money is very tempting. What do you think, Tazi? Do you think I could find another job that pays well but would not lower my standards? Or should I look into cocktail waitressing at a men’s club?

Signed,
Tempted

Dear Tempted:

Sixty-thousand dollars a year for part-time work would be tempting to anyone – until they find out what they have to do to earn it, so I can understand your hesitancy to jump at this job field. Since you believe that cocktail waitressing would leave you in an uncomfortable bind, I advise against it. I would never judge somebody by what they do for a living, so long as what they do is legal, but I would never push someone to take a job that compromises their morals. Remember, college is only four short years! Once you graduate, you will have the opportunity to make a comfortable paycheck in a career field that inspires you.


Photo courtesy of www.icanhascheezeburger.com
You do not say which Ivy League school you will be attending, but I live on the East coast and I know that many of the Ivy’s are in or adjacent to large cities; and with large cities come restaurants, from fine dining establishments to small café’s and diners, all of which offer the opportunity to earn a good income from tips. You may not earn as much as you would working as a cocktail waitress, but then again you might do quite well just the same – and you would be much more comfortable with your working environment.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Proper Office Attire Can Make Or Break The Interview

Dear Tazi:

I am a recent college graduate, which is to say that I do not have a lot of money. My debts (student loans, credit cards) are high and my finances are low; so I do not have a lot of money for life’s necessities, and you can forget about the extras! I am looking for a full-time job in my field, and between my grades and my past internships my résumé looks pretty good!

I have been called in for several interviews, and have always worn my best suit, but apparently my best clothes are not good enough. I do realize my suit is not the latest fashion and my shirt and tie not the latest colors, but once I start making some real money I will be able to afford new dress clothes. Right now, I need someone to take a chance on me so I can prove that what’s underneath the suit is top-notch.

I don’t expect you to be able to offer me any practical advice, but I hope you will print my letter so that maybe the people who hire others will take into consideration that recent graduates have not yet had the chance to build up a 5-star wardrobe, but are willing to do so once they are financially able.

Signed,
More Gooch Than Gucci

Dear More Gooch Than Gucci:

Your situation is not an uncommon one, for graduates or others who are seeking employment after being unemployed for a stretch of time. I realize that you are having a hard time making ends meet, so if new clothes are an impossibility at this time there is not much you can do about it. However, you do not need to be buying Gucci to look good. JC Penney has some nice men’s clothing for not a lot of money. You do not have to go all-out in order to look good for an interview. A new shirt and tie combination will freshen up your look without busting your budget, and all you need is one – for the interview.

Once you have a job, you could budget money each week towards small changes to your wardrobe that will make a big difference in your look. If a new shirt and tie from JC Penney or Wal-Mart are out of your budget, and you are unable to attain a short-term loan from Mom and Dad to assist with these necessary costs, I suggest that you try to make do with what you have; sprucing up as much as possible for your interviews and making sure that you look professional – this means no sagging pants or un-tucked shirts. A professional wears his pants on his upper hip or waist, not “below the equator” as my Mommie’s college R.A. used to say!

You can also mention the elephant in the room when you are interviewing. Tell the Hiring Manager that you realize your wardrobe does not fit with the company image and that you will work to change that once you start earning a paycheck. As impressive as your credentials might be, the companies with which you are interviewing have a public image that they wish to represent. If your look does not meet that standard, you must let them know that you are willing to accommodate them if they are willing to give you a chance. Good luck and happy job hunting!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Post-publication P.S.: OMG!!!! Someone just told me what "gooch" means in today's slang! EWWWWWW!!!!!!

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

How Much Parenting Is Too Much Parenting?

Dear Tazi:

Three years ago, when I was a senior in high school, my mother noticed that I was interested in attending a prestigious out-of-state college. At first, Mother thought nothing of it since she doubted that I would actually move across the country, so when my acceptance letter arrived it was quite a shock to her when I told her I was prepared to accept the school’s offer of admittance. Going to this college would have meant a great deal of financial sacrifice on my part, as well as student loans, but I was prepared to follow my dream. Mother was very upset with my plan, and offered to pay – all expenses – for my junior and senior years if I took my freshman and sophomore years at the local community college. After giving this idea much thought, I agreed. I excelled at my community college, graduating with highest honors and many accolades as well as re-acceptance into my first choice school and the knowledge that it would not cost me anything, thanks to my agreement with Mother. Here is where my problem starts:

Mother is very upset that I still wish to finish my education at my first choice school. She was hoping that the extra two years spent locally would “work things out of my system”; that I would have met someone by now and considered my education complete after only two years. Although I have dated, there has never been anyone serious in my life. I preferred to concentrate on my education, knowing that I would be moving across the country as soon as I graduated community college. I am prepared to go, and Mother is reluctantly holding up her end of the bargain, with a twist: she is insisting on leaving our home and moving across the country with me!

My Papa thinks Mother is being too clingy and has told her so, but she refuses to change her mind. She has told Papa that he can stay here if he wants but she will be moving with me. She has even started looking for apartments near my school so we can live together! Tazi, one of the goals I have for myself is to learn how to live independently of Mother. This is one of the reasons my out-of-state school is so attractive to me, in addition to the excellent scholastic program it offers. Obviously, I cannot force Mother to stay here at home while I am away at school, but I refuse to take an apartment with her. I am also worried about Papa. He loves Mother so much; it would break his heart if she were to move out on him. Do you have any advice on how to mediate this whole crazy mess?

Signed,
Future Bulldog

Dear Future Bulldog:

Congratulations on your acceptance to your first choice college. You have shown maturity beyond your years by deciding to complete your first two years of college at an affordable community college and graduate debt-free. Your grades and your achievements also speak to this maturity, which is why I believe you are ready to try life on your own terms, even if your mother is not ready for this to happen.

I am not sure if your mother realizes this, but she is being what college administrators call a “helicopter parent”, hovering over her child and trying to control your every move. Not only is this unhealthy for you – since you are no longer a child and are trying to live like an adult – it is unhealthy for your mother. Now that you are grown and ready to take the next steps in your life it is time for your mother to do the same. This can be very scary for a mother, who has spent almost half of her life (or more) caring for her children. While you are trying to establish a new identity as an adult, your mother is trying to cling to her identity as a Mom.

If your community college has an Advising and Counseling department it would do you well to make an appointment with them to discuss the life changes you will be experiencing at your new college. Your mother should go with you; this way, she can hear first-hand what is going on and ask any questions she might have. The counselor will reassure her that you do not need – nor would it be healthy to have – your mother by your side during this transitional stage of life. If your community college does not have an Advising and Counseling department, a clergy member or social worker should also be able to offer guidance in this matter.

If you are planning on living off-campus in an apartment, you might want to move in a few weeks early and ask your mother to come with you to help you get settled into your new place. This would offer a compromise between her moving in with you (and leaving your father behind) and feeling like she has completely abandoned you to a whole new world – one that does not include her. From there, I suggest that you set a day and time to call your mother each week. This will give her something to look forward to, as well as give you the chance to tell her how well you are doing on your own. Your reassurance that she raised her daughter to be a capable woman is the best gift you could possibly give her. As for what she can give you, it has been said that the best gifts a parent can give their child are roots and wings. Use both accordingly.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. Yale? Gonzaga? Georgia? UC - Fresno? All are Bulldogs, and I am curious as to which one you will attend!

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Generous Gift Offer Declined Due To Strings That Are Attached

Dear Tazi:

As a high school graduation gift – and in order to encourage her to make wise economical and educational decisions – I offered to pay for my granddaughter’s first two years of college if she chose to attend one of our state’s public colleges or universities, with the offer to pay the remaining two years if she stayed at the state school (or within the state system) and kept her grades high enough to attain placement on the Dean’s List each semester. This decision was not made lightly, but with the memory of sending my own daughter (her mother) and both of my sons off to school at fancy private colleges, and paying upwards of $20,000 apiece for it, only to see them return home after one year – for various reasons – and graduate from state colleges for less than the cost of one year at their original schools.

My granddaughter feels that my offer is not fair, and that I am trying to control her life. She has requested that I give her the money I would spend on her first two years tuition at a state school to apply to the tuition at a fancy private college that costs in the vicinity of $50,000 a year. This particular school is far from home (three to four hours by plane) and my granddaughter, in my opinion, still has some growing up to do before she is ready to be on her own in a new city. For all of these reasons mentioned, I denied her request. Because of this, I am apparently the worst Grandpa that has ever lived.

I am considering rescinding the offer of paying for her schooling, and giving her a graduation gift of similar value in the form of a 10-year government bond. Upon maturation it would be worth close to $100,000 and could be put towards the purchase of a house or other real estate. My one concern is that, without my tuition assistance, my headstrong granddaughter may skip college altogether – which I would hate to see happen – or sign her life away into a morass of student loan debt in order to attend her first-choice school – debt that would most certainly destroy the nest egg a bond would provide. I do not wish to make the same mistake with my granddaughter as I did with her mother (and her uncles), but at the same time I do not want to see my granddaughter rush headlong into a mistake of her own making. She is my only grandchild and my hope for the future of all that I have worked for in life. I would like an outside opinion, Tazi.

Signed,
Grandpa Jim

Dear Grandpa Jim:

You are a generous Grandpa, indeed! A college education is a priceless gift, and the offer you present to your granddaughter just challenging enough to make certain that she keeps her life on the right track. You strike a good balance between generosity (two years, no strings) and business (two years, Dean’s List). You are investing in your granddaughter’s future, so you should be allowed some say in how that investment is treated.

Your granddaughter, on the other hand, sees this offer as a gift – which is how you have presented it – and gifts should come with no strings attached. By putting conditions on your support, your granddaughter sees you as attempting to control her life. May I suggest a compromise of sorts?

Get your granddaughter something completely different for her high school graduation present. A pre-paid debit card to be used towards her first year’s textbooks is a generous gift (around the $1,000 range, depending on what she is studying) but nowhere near the level of major financial investment. Once the gift issue is off the table, you can sit down with your granddaughter and discuss all that you have mentioned to me in your letter. If possible, I would suggest having your daughter there, too; to moderate, should the conversation start to get heated.

Explain to your granddaughter that your original tuition offer still stands, no longer as a gift but as a business arrangement. As an investor, you have an offer to make her; and she, as the person seeking funding, can either accept or reject your terms – but not alter them in any way. Allow her some time to think things over before asking for her decision. If she decides to attend her first choice college, take comfort in the fact that she thought things through before jumping into the abyss of the unknown.

Allow your granddaughter the chance to make her own mistakes – she will never be able to grow otherwise. By the end of her freshman year, you may be surprised to find your granddaughter thriving at this far away school, and earning scholarships and academic accolades that will bring honor to both her and your family (and if this turns out to be the case, I am hoping you will be willing to consider your granddaughter’s counter-offer of a lump sum towards her tuition at this school). If your granddaughter discovers that her dream school has turned into a nightmare, resist the urge to say I told you so and please find it in your heart to re-present your generous offer.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. My Mommie is in the market for a new Grandpa, since hers passed away several years ago! Care to adopt her? (Just kidding!) –T.K.



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Man Uses Woman's Fear Of Public Toilets To Hide His Infidelity

Dear Tazi:

I have a problem that I have not seen addressed elsewhere, and I am embarrassed to ask my doctor about it: I am unable to defecate in a public bathroom.  I have no problem with peeing, but when it comes to farting or pooping I hold it in until I get home. 

This school year I moved away to college and my problem has caused some complications.  I only live a few hours from home, so I can return home on weekends, but a daily commute would be too much.  I thought I would have a private bathroom to share with only a few people, but my dormitory is old and has two ladies rooms per floor – which means I am sharing my bathroom with an entire floor!

I have managed to learn to “hold it in” until after everyone is asleep, but this is a college campus and people go to bed late – generally after midnight every night!  I wish I could hold it until the weekend, but I can’t.  My record is three days.

While showering today I noticed some strange bumps on the inside of my butt-crack.  They were about the size and consistency of a raisin.  I think I have anal warts!  My boyfriend insists he has been faithful to me since I went away to school and that I must have gotten them from the public toilet seat.  Could this have happened, Tazi?  I know there are all sorts of nasty germs lurking on public toilet seats, which is why I don’t like using them, but I always thought genital/anal warts were sexually transmitted.  Is my boyfriend right?  Or do you think he is lying to me?

Signed,

Itchy Down There

Dear Itchy Down There:

Your boyfriend could technically been telling the truth when he said he has been faithful since you went away to school; he could have cheated on you while you were still at home.  The fact that he blames your infection on something he knows you fear – public toilet seats – makes me believe that he is being less than honest with you.

Condyloma – the medical term for genital warts – is transmitted through skin to skin contact with an infected person.  Is it possible to contract it from a toilet seat?  Anything is possible, I suppose, but the chances of this happening are about the same as me turning green and growing a second tail.  

Now about that second tail…

Now is not the time to assign blame.  Now is the time for both you and your boyfriend to go to a doctor and get treated for this viral infection.  Left untreated anal warts can spread to the rectum and the colon, and possibly lead to anal, rectal, or colon cancer in later years.  Additionally, if you are unlucky enough to have contracted condyloma accuminatum the warts will spread and grow until your tushy looks like it has a cauliflower growing out of it!  (I have seen pictures of it in Mommie’s sexual health textbooks). 

Due to the graphic nature of such pictures, I have only linked to them here.

If these pictures are not enough to scare you into seeking medical treatment I do not know what else to tell you, except good luck in your future attempts to “pinch one off”!

Snuggles,

Tazi

P.S.  You should never be too embarrassed to tell your doctor anything!  S/he is the person you have trusted with your health; you must trust them with your behavior, too!

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

It Can Be Difficult To Practice What Is Preached - Especially When Money Is At Stake

Dear Tazi:

I have been raised Baptist, but am considering changing my religion to become a Buddhist. I have been studying the lessons of Buddha in my Eastern Philosophy class this semester, and I can really relate to them - much better than I can relate to my own religion. The problem is, as I am sure you can guess, breaking the news to my family; especially my grandparents, who are pretty devout...and pretty rich. I am pretty certain they would disavow me from their will, which right now leaves me a pretty hefty inheritance. As you can see, the situation is not pretty at all.

I have considered converting and just not telling my family about it until after my grandparents (who are quite elderly) have passed, but this feels dishonest. Maybe I should simply wait until after they have passed to convert? What do you think I should do, Tazi?

Signed,
Seeking Inner Peace

Dear Seeking Inner Peace:

There is a lot I could say with regard to your letter, but I will keep it simple and respond with a quote from Buddha himself: A jug fills drop by drop. I don't mean to sound as confounding as Buddha; but if I am, let me explain further: You are at an age where you are starting to question everything, most especially the beliefs with which you were raised, as you seek to exercise your free will. You have been raised in the Baptist church your whole life - and that is a lot of drops in your jug - whereas you have studied Buddhism for all of one semester; that is very few drops. A jug fills drop by drop.

The tone of your letter tells me that you are not yet ready to own your decision to convert to Buddhism; which means you are not yet ready to convert. It is also obvious that you are not ready to let go of the physical (money) wonders of your world and experience the esoteric (spiritual) wonders of Buddhism, which also means that you are not ready to convert to Buddhism. Rather than make the radical decision to change your religion, why not try and incorporate the beliefs of Buddhism into your daily life? They are compatible with all religious beliefs (with the glaring exception of Satanism) and can help to improve your relationship with yourself as well as with others. Remember, as Buddha said, "However many holy words you read, however many you speak, what good will they do you if you do not act on upon them?".

In time, if you find that you want a more active relationship with Buddhism, that will be the time to delve deeper into the idea of a conversion.

Snuggles,
Tazi

With appreciation to BrainyQuote.com for the wise words of Buddha Shakyamuni. --T.K.


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Grown Siblings Have Grown Apart, Should Mother Intervene?

Dear Tazi:

I have two sons. I will call them “Zip” and “Zap” because I do not want them to identify themselves if they read your column. They are only a year apart in school so they grew up very close until they reached their teenage years. It was at this point that Zap sought to create his own identity separate from his brother’s shadow. Because Zap is the younger of the two, Zip is the one that everyone got to know first, the one that always got to do things first. Zap became known as “Zip’s brother”, in spite of his efforts to establish himself as an independent person. To his great discredit, Zip basked in this limelight and never corrected people when they referred to Zap by this moniker.

Both of my sons are now attending state university, and thankfully they are in different programs which have allowed them to meet new and different people and run in different crowds. While Zip has just finished his second year and has been concentrating solely on his schoolwork, Zap blossomed during his freshman year. He has joined an intramural sports team and has successfully pledged a fraternity, in addition to making the Dean’s List. Zip, accustomed to being the brother that everyone knows, is feeling resentful of the attention Zap is receiving. Although both are in competitive academic programs, Zip has taken to saying that Zap is majoring in “basket weaving” while he is taking a more rigorous course of study. This is but one example of the barbs Zip has been throwing Zap’s way.

Zap has been patient with his brother. When I asked him if everything was okay between them, he told me that he understands how it feels to always come in second, so he is willing to let things go for now, but at the same time his patience is wearing thin. I am afraid that the death knell to their relationship is close at hand. Last week at a party, I witnessed Zip try to embarrass Zap in an attempt to make people laugh. Zap kept quiet, but I could see his jaw twitching; something that happens when Zap is angry beyond control.

I pulled Zip aside and had a word with him about his behavior, but he just responded with a negative tone, saying that somebody needs to but Zap in his place now that his popularity is soaring. Tazi, I love both of my sons so much and it pains me to see them hurting like this. I would like to tell Zip that he has had his day in the sun and that now it is time to let Zap have his, but I am afraid that Zip will think that I am taking sides against him. For what it’s worth, Zap is still the same humble boy he has always been; it is Zip whose ego is out of control. All I want is for my sons to get along like they did when they were children. Do you think that this is possible? Should I intervene? How much?

Signed,
Z-Mom

Dear Z-Mom:

Your sons are not children anymore, so it is time for them to start acting like adults. From what you write, it sounds like Zap has been taking the high road while Zip is wallowing in self-pity and resentment. The fact that he has put down his brother to entertain others, while building up his own ego, is pathetic. It is grossly out of line and shows a complete lack of maturity. It is as if Zip’s emotional development is arrested at the high school level. This is a problem that will start to affect other areas of his life, as well as hold him back in life, if he does not put a stop to it now. Family counseling may be helpful, but all involved must be on-board in order for it to work. Your sons are relatively young, but the issue of one-upmanship has been simmering for years so you cannot expect it to be solved overnight. I realize that, as their mother, you would like to mediate; but the fact of the matter is that they will need to resolve this issue on their own. Ignore any requests to take the side of one over the other, but offer correction as necessary and appropriate.

If you see or hear one of your sons doing or saying something that you know to be inappropriate or untruthful (such as the incident at the recent party or the “basket weaving” comment) you should continue to pull them aside and correct their behavior. Better you do this than one of their friends, who might not offer to respect privacy or feelings. Such embarrassment will only breed further contempt.

Your sons may legally be men, but emotionally they are still growing up. If you find that Zip’s behavior is getting more hostile towards his brother you may wish to sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk with him. If you find that Zap is getting to be egocentric or starts flaunting his accomplishments to his brother, you should sit him down, as well. Do not try to resolve their issues; just let them know that you find their behavior disappointing. The problem may resolve itself from there. Nobody wants to disappoint their Mama!

In the end, you must trust that you have done your best as a mother and let your sons work out their differences like men. Some brothers are destined never to be close, while others are as peas in a pod. In time, as Zip and Zap discover their own divergent paths, they may find that they miss each other’s company and reach out to each other. However, in order for that to happen, old hurts must not wound too deep. Remind them of this fact should the need present itself; otherwise, let them decide on their own how close they wish to remain.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Adulthood Means Making your Own Decisions, Standing By Them

Dear Tazi:

I am 25 years old and have moved out into my own apartment after finishing my Masters degree in Finance this past spring.  I have a great job, a great apartment, and great friends, but life is not all that great.  While I lived at home, my parents took care of everything for me.  I never had to worry about cooking dinner - it always just appeared on the table.  Cleaning was done by the maid and I paid a laundry service to take care of my dirty clothes and bed linens.  The cat was always fed if I did not have time to feed him, and all I had to do was concentrate on school.

Now that I am living on my own, I am discovering that life is a lot harder than I realized!  If I forget to take something out of the freezer for dinner, I still have to make dinner or pay to eat out; either that or make a sandwich or grab a bowl of soup.  I never realized how much energy it took to keep a household running - grocery shopping, bill paying, and the like all must be done on a regular schedule.  I always knew this needed to be done - I do have a graduate degree in Finance - but I also thought it would be a lot easier than it actually is.

My problem is with my friends.  None of them have really grown up yet.  None of them are married and they all either still live at home or in bare-bones apartments with each other, where they can't afford furniture but have a sweet 80" flat-screen HDTV.  Because my apartment is the nicest and most well-maintained, they all want to hang out at my place.  Having my friends over once in a while during the week or on weekends is nice, but Tazi I have both work and the responsibilities mentioned above to manage!  I would like to explain this to them, but every time I try I break down and join them in having fun; after seven years of college (undergraduate and graduate school) I think I deserve a little fun.

Unfortunately, the "fun" has been interfering with my sleep schedule, and it has been showing at work.  My supervisor is a really nice man, and he asked me if I was having problems in my personal life to cause the kind of stress I am exhibiting...I lied and told him that my mother has been sick and that I have been spending my nights at home assisting her.  Tazi, I felt like such a jerk lying to my boss but I didn't know what to say!  I was afraid I would lose my job if I told the truth!

I realize what I have to do to get my life back on track: Tell  my friends that the party is over, start getting enough sleep at night so I can do my job properly in the morning, and end the lie about my Mom being sick. I am planning for her to make a quick recovery, so I can leave the lie in my past, but how can I get my friends to straighten out and see that I am serious about being a professional?

Signed,
Financier

Dear Financier:

I would say that Step 1 should be to call your Mom and apologize for dragging her name into your lie.  Your desire to cover your butt is how rumors get started; squash them immediately and resolve to never lie again!

Step 2 is to get your friends back to their apartments and end the weeknight partying.  This is a lot easier than you think; you simply explain to your friends what you have told me: that living the live of a professional is tiring, keeping a clean and organized apartment is time consuming, and you simply do not have time to party with them during the week.  Then, you lock the doors to your apartment and do not open them should your friends be ignorant enough to come knocking.  I realize this course of action will not be an easy one to take, but adulthood means making your own decisions and being responsible for the consequences.  The decisions you have made thus far are not working out for you, so it's time to try a different path.

Step 3 is to realize that you cannot force your friends to "straighten out" any more than they can force you to party with them; all you can control is your own behavior and your own boundaries.  This may put some distance between you and your friends because, sad to say, it sounds as if you have outgrown them, which brings me to Step 4:  Cultivate some new friendships.

The field of Finance is a large one, where networking can help you get ahead in the world.  I suggest that you  try joining some professional organizations and attending the events they sponsor.  You will meet new people whose lives are more in tune to your own and you will be able to promote your career at the same time.  In time, as your current friends start to grow up, they will understand your position and may or may not decide to reach out to you again.  If they do, give them a second chance; some people take more time to mature than others.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

College Graduate Working As A "Specialty Janitor", Much To Mom's Dismay

Dear Tazi:

My son graduated college last month with a degree in Philosophy. His plan was to go on to law school, so this major made sense. Unfortunately for him, his grades fell short of gaining admittance into a top or second tier law school. He has been accepted at a few places of little note, without scholarship, which means I would be on the hook for his tuition. I told "Mason" I would not pay his graduate tuition (as I did his undergraduate tuition) until he showed he was willing to put in the work to improve his grades. He is planning to register for a few graduate level classes at the state university for the fall, and in the meantime he has taken a job at the only place that will hire him: a disaster clean-up company that cleans up the aftermath of personal tragedies.

My wife is mortified that our son is cleaning up what is left at home invasion and murder scenes, and busted crack houses. She wants to pay our son's law school tuition starting this fall. I say the unenviable work is good for him and will teach him that this is what he will end up doing for the rest of his life if he does not work harder in school. The job pays well and he is given protective gear to wear when he is on a clean-up scene, so I am not worried about his health, physical or financial. My wife, however, is worried about what people will think if they find out our son is working for a specialty janitorial service. I say hang what people think. What do you say, Tazi?

Signed,
Third Generation Ole Miss

Dear Third Generation Ole Miss:

Is your son a fourth generation at Ole Miss? Does the answer to this question have something to do with why your wife is willing to ignore his lackluster academic record? I realize that tradition runs deep down South, especially at places like Ole Miss! If your son is now an alumnus, people are going to be asking about him at the next class reunion or event. Are you prepared to tell your friends why your son is not in law school, as planned? I ask because it is apparent that your wife is not.

Personally, I think an education in the school of life is what your son needs. If he enjoys his job as a specialty cleaner and is able to support himself with the money he makes, and there is room for promotion, than I see no reason why your wife should be ashamed of what your son is doing. He is providing a valuable service that not many would be willing to provide. Furthermore, your attitude towards his Philosophy degree - claiming "the only place that will hire him" is short-sighted, considering the competitive economy we are currently experiencing.

If your son is embarrassed to be doing the kind of work he is doing, I suggest the following compromise: one semester of graduate level courses, which your son will pay for out of his own earnings. If he can prove that he is ready to make the commitment to graduate level learning, you and your wife can offer to pay for his continued schooling, provided that he maintain a minimum grade-point-average that you and your wife will set. Should his grades fall below the mark, he will be responsible for his own education expenses. I believe this is a compromise that all can live with, as well as one that will allow your son to prove his academic worth.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

A Choice Between A Rock And A Hard Place Is A Difficult One To Make

Dear Tazi:

I am a college student, and I am paying my own way through school. My mother and step-father let me live at home without paying rent, but that is all they do for me. I have to buy my own food, and contribute to the cost of the monthly utilities in addition to paying my tuition - which I have to cover in full because I do not receive financial aid; my step-father refuses to submit his tax return, and since I am only 19 I am considered a dependant student. My Mom does not work, and is listed as a dependant on my step-father's taxes. My father passed away when I was six, so I have nowhere else to turn for a tax return to submit.

I work full-time and had to drop my school schedule down to part-time because I did not have the time or money to continue as a full-time student this semester. I want to major in Nursing, which is a full-time program and a full time job all rolled into one, so I am currently trying to save as much money as possible so I can take time away from work once I enter Nursing school. This has put me in a tough spot financially.

I do all I can to cut expenses. I buy all of my clothes at thrift shops, and what I can't get there I buy at discount stores. I do not drive my car, so I do not have to pay insurance, and as the weather has gotten colder I have bought extra blankets and sweaters so I do not have to turn the heat on in my part of the house. Because of all this frugality, I AM MISERABLE!!! Do you have any idea what it is like to have to buy your bras from the local factory seconds store? (Of course not, you're a cat, but you know what I mean!).

My elderly grandmother is quite wealthy, and is in need of home-care. She has offered to let me come live with her (for free; room, board, utilities, and use of an insured car included!) and give me a small weekly stipend if I agree to leave my job and make caring for her my full-time job, scheduling my classes for late-morning through mid-afternoon while she is at the senior center. This opportunity sounds like a dream come true! It will give me experience in the field of home health care; it will get me out from under my step-father's roof; and will give me back all that I have had to give up in order to complete my education. So what's the catch? My grandmother is a flaming racist, and my step-father is black. It is for this reason that my Mom is estranged from my grandmother; and she thinks that my grandmother is only offering me the job of caring for her to spite her and my step-father.

At this point, I am not sure if I would care if my grandmother was a Mexican drug lord so long as it got me out from my Mom and step-father's grip, but I am afraid that my situation will end up as my Mom is predicting: decide in haste, repent at leisure. She has told me that if I leave to live with my grandmother I will not be welcome back in our home. School let's out for the semester in early May, and I don't go back until the end of August, so I have the summer to make a decision if necessary (Grandma is not rushing me. She has told me to take my time to think about it). What would you do if you were in my situation, Tazi-Kat?

Signed,
Arkansas Cinderella

Dear Arkansas Cinderella:

I read through your letter twice, just to make sure I wasn't missing anything, and both times I noticed that you never refer to your mother and step-father as your "parents" - your mother is always "Mom" and your step-father is always "my step-father". You do not say for how long they have been married, but it sounds to me that there is absolutely no father-daughter bond between you and your mother's husband. With your mother financially dependent upon your step-father, I can see why she would side with him on all fronts.

Although their treatment of you sounds extreme, it is their house and their rules apply - although I would think they would be willing to cut you some slack in consideration of your academic schedule and career goals. Since they have not, you have every right to do what you feel you must in order to put yourself on the path to success. I realize that your grandmother is a "flaming racist", and although I cannot approve of her attitude, it is not my place to pass judgment upon her - that will be up to you in deciding whether or not to accept her offer.

Should you choose to accept your grandmother's offer to come live with her in return for home-care and other incentives, you must be prepared to hear what she has to say on the subject of your mother's marriage. Your grandmother may surprise you by having nothing at all to say on the subject. In reaching out to you, she could be making an attempt to reconcile with your mother - people tend to do such things when they are nearing the last of their years.

If, however, your grandmother chooses to spout hateful comments about your mother and her choice of husband you - as a compensated employee - will have to tolerate her comments (to a large extent) or resign your position as her home-care aide. Once you can honestly answer how you think you would react to such racist commentary about your Mom and step-father you will know whether or not you should accept your grandmother's offer. It sounds to me that you have to choose between a rock and a hard place. You have my sympathies.

Snuggles,
Tazi-Kat

Son Of White Coated Professionals Wants A Horse Of A Different Color

Dear Tazi:

I am 20 years old and enrolled in junior college because my grades in high school weren't all that great. It wasn't because I am stupid; it's just because I hate school. My father is a doctor and my mother an M.S.N [Ed. Note: That is a Nurse with a Master's in Nursing]. My whole life they have pushed education on me, but it just isn't my thing. What I really want to do is be a long-distance trucker.

Please don't laugh or think this is a fake letter because it is not. When I was a kid, I used to love talking on my uncle's CB radio. I would talk with truckers from all over the country, and I loved the stories they would tell me. It was never anything a kid shouldn't hear, just stuff about what they saw while traveling the country. I would go to bed dreaming about one day driving a big rig!

As a teenager my parents kept pushing school on me, making me get a tutor to improve my grades and grounding me for bad grades. I told them that I didn't want to go to college, that I wanted to go to trucking school to learn how to drive a rig. They never took me seriously and told me if I wanted to do that I could pay for it myself. I can't get financial aid because I am a dependant student and my parents make too much money. If I move out on my own, I won't be considered an independent student for at least two years. Right now, keeping my grades at passing level is hard enough without having to work full-time on top of it, so I can't work more hours while in school, even if I could get them. I can't drop out of school either or my parents will cut me off financially.

Tazi, do you have any ideas on how to get my parents to see my point of view?

10-4 Ol' Buddy

Dear 10-4...:

I think in ordeer to accomplish your dream you will have to take steps to show your parents how much your dream of being a professional driver means to you. At 20 years old, you are legally an adult and need to start being responsible for your own future if you wish to control where it is going. I can understand how your parents would want you to follow their path of white collar careers, but if this is not the path for you than you need to do what you must to get onto that path - even if it pulls you from your current comfort zone. As I see it, your options are not as entirely limited as you make them sound.

I understand that you are currently dependant upon your parents for financial assistance. I also understand that you do not like school, and get the impression that you have little to no desire to continue with formal/traditional education. You say that if you quit school, your parents will cut you off financially. If you were working full time, would you be able to make enough to support yourself? If so, this is one possible path; and in two years you could apply for financial aid as an independent student.

All the while attempting to make people understand....

If this plan does not appeal to you, another option would be to have someone teach you how to drive a rig. Do you know any truckers who would be kind enough to teach you how to drive a rig, and allow you to train on their tractor-trailers? Does your local Teamsters Union have an internship program to which you could apply? There are many professional drivers who never actually went to school to learn, but learned from other drivers or as part of military training, which brings me to your third option.

If you are physically fit and have an interest in serving, the Army National Guard; Air Force National Guard; or the Marine Reserves all offer opportunities for you to make extra money and learn how to drive large transport vehicles.

Any of these options will offer you a combination of training and experience that will loosen the financial grip your parents have upon you, as well as push you out of adolescence and into adulthood. Once your parents see how serious you are about becoming a professional driver, perhaps they will be more willing to invest in your dream. As parents, they only want what is best for you. If you show them that you are willing to do what it takes to make your dream a reality, perhaps they will be willing to meet you halfway and put your junior college tuition towards an education at your local tractor-trailer driving school.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Repost: Tazi's Corner #8: Thoughts On Volunteering, Giving Of Yourself

Dear Readers:

Happy Sunday and welcome to another issue of

Tazi's Corner
Life As Your Pet Sees It!
Earlier this week I printed a letter about volunteering, stating in it that “There are three ways in which a person can give back to their community; they are through gifts of time, talents ,and treasure”. Although I wish I could take credit for the “three T’s”, I first heard the idea from my Mommie’s pastor (I was snuggled in mt Tazi Sack one Sunday when she left for church).


The Tazimobile rocks!
The idea that we all have something to give intrigued me because, as I have mentioned in the past, we cats are very generous and giving creatures. Why just yesterday I gave my Mommie the opportunity to give me some kitty snax and the honor of scratching me behind my ears! Now, as I was saying, the idea that we all have something to give intrigued me.

Time; talents; and treasure; some of us have nothing but time, and no money to spare – especially those who are experiencing prolonged unemployment. How can volunteering help these people? Many non-profit organizations need volunteers to donate their time and talents to their causes, but their needs go unfilled because people mistake volunteer work as a pursuit of those who do not have to work. Nothing could be further from the truth! Many employers see a period of unemployment as a time to improve skills or use skills to help others. If someone chooses to sit around surfing the Internet and waiting for the phone to ring, their chances of finding employment are actually less than those who are actively volunteering; keeping their skills fresh by donating them; and networking within the community. If nothing else, their efforts will earn them a valuable recommendation for employment.

There are others who believe that they have no time to give or who feel their talents are not needed; they really should think again. How much time do humans waste vegging out in front of the television or unwinding by playing marathon sessions of video games. How much difference could be made in the life of a child by donating your time as a Big Brother or Big Sister? Or by waking an hour early in order to serve breakfast at the local soup kitchen? (Here’s a hint for those seeking to network: Many “important” people volunteer in soup kitchens!). Perhaps you could spare an hour or two a week to assist an elderly shut-in with their grocery shopping? No action, however small, is insignificant if done from the heart. Too often, we choose to give only at the holidays, forgetting that need knows no season. The holidays are coming up – why not start your seasonal volunteering a little early this year?

Perhaps the poorest, most time-pressed people of all – high school and college students – have the most to give, for they have talents to share. Too often, students try to find the most impressive sounding time fillers in order to impress colleges; but let’s get real: do you think the people at Harvard are really going to believe that you willingly chose, with an open heart, to spend your summer tutoring blind children in the scorching heat of sub-Saharan Africa? Personally, I think the folks at Harvard are smart enough to recognize a kiss-@$$ when they see one. Don’t let your volunteering become farcical fodder for the annual Christmas Newsletter (…this year, for his high school senior project, Junior completed an independent study in South American aboriginal tribes, and even created an unabridged dictionary of the language of the lost Aztecs…). Instead of trying to impress people by volunteering on the other side of the globe, why not tutor inner-city children in Math and Reading? Why not choose to make a difference in your own community?

To the star quarterback; why not volunteer at the Boys and Girls Club, teaching them how to play football? To the music prodigy; do you know how many underprivileged children would appreciate the use of a borrowed instrument and free lessons? These are offerings that require commitment – a commitment that goes further than sub-Saharan Africa because it is a commitment to people you will be seeing over and over again in your community; a commitment to people who will look at you and KNOW whether or not you honored your promise to help. Will you be able to look them in the eye when your paths cross? That’s the advantage of volunteering far from home; nobody is there to bear witness to your actions, they must take you at your word. I have read the blogs of students who go overseas to “help” those less privileged, and often times these trips involve more sightseeing than anything else. Jesus wept! (John 11:35).

Last, but certainly not least, is our treasure. To give of our treasure does not always mean to give money, although money is always appreciated. Many organizations – from the Salvation Army to Big Sisters – accept donations of gently used goods and clothing. We can further offer of our treasure by purchasing goods from these organizations; many a beautiful evening gown or designer purse has been discovered on the racks of your local thrift store. If you don’t want to keep your purchases, feel free to yard sale or eBay them. Additionally, it would be a nice gesture if you donated any profit back to the providing thrift store – it’s giving without cost! Even if you choose to keep your profits, you are still supporting a worthy cause, although I know some readers will be criticizing me for not paw-slapping the capitalist out of you.

I know how hard it can be to part with your hard-earned money or your precious free time (I hate missing my nap), but please remember that even if you cannot give much, your donation will combine with the donations of others. Give of your time, and someone with talent will direct you…give of your talents, and someone with treasure will sponsor you…give of your treasure, and see others give back to you in ways you never thought possible. Whatever you do, give from the heart; be the kind of person your pet thinks you already are.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Gender Dysphoria Can Cause Problems In Social Situations

Dear Tazi:

I am technically a twenty year old woman. I say "technically" because I am not at all feminine. I am completely flat-chested and built like a man. I prefer to dress in men's clothing, wear my hair short and spiked like a man, hang out with men over women (I hate shopping and other girly-girl stuff). From the baseball cap I wear on my head to the Michael Jordans [sneakers] I wear on my feet, I look like a man, just a baby-faced one. My problem is that, since graduating high school where I knew everyone and starting a college where I do not, I now get mistaken for a lesbian, which I am not, or hit-on by straight women who think I am a guy, which is also upsetting. Short of wearing a sign that declares me to be a heterosexual woman, do you have any ideas on how to get around this awkward issue?

Signed,
Dude

Dear Dude:

From the description you give, you fit the description of a female transvestite (which is the sociological term for your style preferences). Among cross-dressers (the preferred term) you are in the minority - most are men who dress as women - but are also among the more socially accepted of the gender diverse.

Diane Keaton (above) is frequently mistaken for Andy Warhol (below)

The fact that you are mistaken for a man by straight women can be corrected by adding simple touches that will not compromise you as a person (for example, jewelry and perfume). If you are truly uncomfortable wearing anything that signals that you are female, you can work towards altering people's perception of you through your use of vocabulary. For example, instead of saying "I have to use the bathroom" you can say "I have to use the ladies' room", thus signaling that you are female by birth. You do not have to be a "girly girl" or dress in pink for the world to understand that you are female; but you will have to make an effort to identify yourself as a straight woman if that is how you wish people to see you.

Most people are accustomed to dividing people into one category OR another; so when someone comes along who fits one category AND another it can be difficult for some to process. Before a woman - straight or lesbian - works up the courage to hit on you, she probably sends out signals that she is interested (flipping her hair, gently touching your arm, etc.). By learning to read these signals, you can self-identify as a straight woman before the conversation takes a turn for the embarrassing.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Student Seeks To Be An Anthropological Tourist Before "Getting Serious" About Life

Dear Tazi:

I am finishing high school this year, and it is my lifelong dream to travel the world for a few years before getting serious and deciding on a career path. I have been saving money from my after school job – my parents think it will be used towards college – and I could work as a migrant fruit picker for extra cash, as/if needed. Being American, I grew up privileged and I want to learn how “the other half” lives. My parents are completely against my dream and have told me that if I follow it that I can forget about any financial assistance from them when I decide the time is right for me to go to college.

I would love to tell my parents to keep their money, but I am not certain I will be able to finance my own college education and I do not want to compromise my future by stringing myself out on student loans. Tazi, can you think of a way that would allow me to follow my dream and please my parents at the same time?

Signed,
The Seeker

Dear The Seeker:

It appears that you want the best of both worlds – or at least the best of your world while exploring the worst of other worlds. Do you realize how dehumanizing migrant work is? Those who work such jobs are paid a pittance so Americans can eat affordable fresh produce, and they do it so they can put food in the mouths of their families, not so they can follow their dream of seeing how “the other half” lives. The “other half” is not a living documentary for your curious mind to explore; they are people and I refuse to approve of your dream to exploit them.

Don't be this person!

If you are truly interested in other cultures, societies, and people of different socioeconomic backgrounds I suggest you go to college, as your parents would prefer, and study Anthropology and Sociology. This major will not only allow you to explore the world (travel is a requirement of this major); it will also teach you how to professionally study cultures that are different from your own so you do not act the part of the Ignorant American, insulting people with your extreme candor and embarrassing your country on a world stage.

I am a cat; extreme candor is expected of me. You are a human; gentrified manners are expected of you. I suggest that you look into colleges with a strong Cultural Anthropology program (Brown University is one) and learn more about the job opportunities in this field.

Perfunctory Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

LinkedIn Is Not "Facebook Plus", Should Not Be Used For Romantic Connections

Dear Tazi:

I am a sophomore in college and am sick and tired of dating immature little boys who think they are men just because their birth certificate says they are. I have asked my older sister if she could set me up with someone more mature, but she tells me that I am too young, and besides she would not feel comfortable setting me up with one of her friends or colleagues (there is a 10 year age difference between us).

I recently received a "connect" request from a friend to join LinkedIn. She is a year older than me and very smart. She will be graduating college a year early because she took early enrollment courses while still in high school and has gone to school summers, which has put her a year ahead in her program. Anyway, she put together a LinkedIn profile because she is looking for work and wanted to have a professional online profile where she can network with people who will make her look good. She asked me to create a page because I am a Dean's List student and she wants to show people that she hangs out with responsible and mature people.

While I was on LinkedIn I noticed a lot of really good looking men who are not much older than me (mid-twenties) and have fantastic jobs! They don't say how much they are earning, but it looks like big bucks from their job descriptions and the pictures of them in suits and ties! In addition to connecting with people I know I have scoped out a few people who work in the field I hope to go into after I graduate - you know, to network with them and to hopefully score a sweet internship or even a paid part-time job. And yes, I have asked several of the cute guys I found to connect with me because I am hoping to meet someone special. Someone mature, who has his life in order and is looking for a good woman for more than a good time.

I am not overly obvious about my intentions, always choosing men who attended the same college as me (so it looks like I am trying to connect with the alumni) or who know someone I know. My problem is that I requested one of my sister's co-workers. He recognized the last name and since my sister and I look a lot alike he figured out the connection and assumed I was looking to connect because I have an interest in their professional field (she is a lawyer, and I am a Political Science major, so duh...I can see why he would think that way. He even commented about it to my sister, and asked if I would be applying for an internship with their firm. While I thought he was expressing interest in me it turns out he is gay and is really just interested in helping me out because he respects my sister's work.

My sister on the other hand figured out what I was doing in about three seconds flat and freaked on me! She is demanding that I pull my LinkedIn profile and stop using it to try and get a date. I don't think I am doing anything wrong, and besides I have a perfectly legit reason for being on LinkedIn - to help my friend boost her image and yes to make business contacts of my own for when I graduate in two years. My sister has threatened to tell our Mom and while I don't know what she would do I know what she could do and that would make my life pretty miserable.

I don't think what I am doing is all that wrong! I haven't hit on anyone (outright) yet and have had no complaints about the comments I have left for people and the emails asking to meet for coffee. What do you think? Am I wrong for lookin gout for my own future?

Signed,
Future Professional

Dear Future Professional:

Linkedin is not "Facebook Plus", where people are willing to reveal even more personal information about themselves than they would ever dream of revealing on social media. This is why LinkedIn has very strict privacy settings and why many people use them. In many cases, if you do not know someone's email address you cannot even send them a request to connect! This should tell you something: that LinkedIn is not a dating/hookup site! If you are interested in that there are plenty of online personal site for you to peruse.

He's looking to make a professional connection, not a love connection!

For the sake of your (future) professional credibility I suggest you stop pursuing a romance through your professional profile and instead work towards making industry connections, as your friend is doing. Start with making a basic profile and posting classes taken and samples of the work completed in those classes. Note any awards and honors you have received (Dean's List is a big one, so don't sell yourself short!). Keep your profile picture tasteful; use a professional looking head-shot if you have one, not a picture of you in a string bikini. mention your career goals, and try to connect with people who would be willing to help you achieve them (like your sister's coworker). If any of your professors are on LinkedIn, politely request to connect with them so you can keep in touch with them once your class is through; an academic recommendation can go a long way when you lack professional work experience. Finally, remember that on a site like LinkedIn - or any social media - you are not only representing yourself but the people who choose to connect with you. Don't disappoint them by acting like a lovesick child.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. While I can understand your frustration with "immature little boys who think they are men" you need to cut them some slack; they are enjoying their youth. Today's immature college boys are tomorrow's business professionals. Continue to demand respect from them and you will be surprised at how quickly they can man up around you!

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

A Wedding Is Not A Fundraiser, Don't Treat It Like It Is

Dear Tazi:

I am planning my wedding and am having some trouble with the guest list. I am a young bride, and my husband to be and I have not had the time to put aside much money for our future. We figure our wedding guests will help us get off to a good start in life by giving us a wedding shower and wedding gifts to help us set up house and tuck a little money aside. The problem is that many of my friends are in college. This means they will not have the money to give cash/gifts that are equal to or greater than the value of their plate charge.

The purpose of a wedding, as I said, is to help a young couple get their start in life, not to put them into debt so you can enjoy a good party. However, I am the first of my friends to get married and don't want it to seem like I am snubbing anybody by not inviting them, but a line has to be drawn somewhere.

I would like to send out two different wedding invitations - one with an invite to the ceremony, and a second with an invite to the reception, as well. The people who can afford to cover their costs and even give a little more will receive the second invite; those who would end up costing us would be invited to the wedding ceremony only. While my mother sees the practicality in my decision my future husband and his parents are "appalled" that I would even think such a thing. They have called me a "little gold-digger" and have questioned if I am the right woman for their son. Kitty, I am just trying to be practical here! I don't see my future in-laws kicking in with the cash to cover the cost of the reception!

Do you think my friends will be insulted and feel snubbed if I only invite them to the ceremony and not the reception? The ceremony is the most important part of a wedding anyway.

Signed,
Bride On A Budget

Dear Bride On A Budget:

You wouldn't consider charging a cover at the door of your reception, would you? Then don't exclude guests who you think cannot afford to line your pockets. A wedding reception is not a fundraiser, so please do not treat it like one. Your guest list should reflect your close and personal ties with your guests, not the size of their wallets.

When planning a wedding the first thing you should do is decide on a budget that you can afford - by saving, cutting back, working overtime, and if necessary borrowing and using cash gifts to pay down the debt. In short, you must plan within your budget and not budget with a plan to find a way to make others pay for your celebration.

If you cannot afford to have the wedding of your dreams while including all of your guests, than you must cut back on the wedding you are planning. One idea is to have a "coffee and..." with your receiving line after your ceremony followed by a small, intimate reception for immediate family only while hosting a large, backyard bash for all of your friends and family after you return from your honeymoon. Another idea is to postpone your wedding until you have the cash to pay for all of your guests meals without expecting some sort of quid quo pro in return. (The irony of this is that by the time you are done saving they may be through with school and making enough money to pay for the kind of gifts you are seeking). Whatever you choose to do, choose to be inclusive. Those you snub today are unlikely to forget the slight when the stakes are much higher than a chicken dinner.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.