Bigotry Does Not Belong Inside A Church

Dear Tazi:

I will be getting married this summer and it will be a church wedding. My problem is that my future brother-in-law is gay and he is refusing to attend the ceremony if he cannot bring his life partner with him. While I understand his position I am in no position to try and accommodate him. I have no problem with him attending the ceremony or the reception with his partner, but his parents have never fully accepted his sexuality and are making a huge deal over it, saying a gay couple “should have enough humility before the Lord not to flaunt their sins in His house”. Wow, yeah, I know, right?

It is not as though “Chip” and “Dale” are a couple of drag queens, nor do they “flaunt” their sexuality. In fact, if you did not know they were gay you would think that they are just good friends, like any two other guys. My fiancé would like to ditch the idea of a church wedding and hold the ceremony in the same hall as our reception. I was raised and baptized in our shared faith, and I would like for us to get married proper – in a church; one that reflects and practices our church traditions. Besides, the church is already booked and has been for several months now.

My fiancé says I am being unreasonable and that an unwillingness to compromise on such an important point is no way to start married life. I believe that important points should not be open to compromise; that agreement should be reached before a decision is implemented. My future brother-in-law is being extremely understanding and has told me that he understands my position and principles, and he would never ask me to compromise my principles in order to accommodate his. Unfortunately, by not being at the ceremony he will be unable to stand up for his brother. I forgot to mention that – Chip and Dale would not even be sitting together at the ceremony because Chip would be in the wedding party while Dale sits in t he congregation.

My wedding day is supposed to be the happiest day of my life and yet all I am feeling is stress. Who among us is being the unreasonable one? Is it me?

Signed,
Bride To Be In Bensenville

Dear Bride To Be In Besenville:

A woman’s wedding day is supposed to be the happiest day of her life so far; if it was the happiest day of her life (period) she would not have much to look forward to from that day on, now would she? Also, as you are discovering, celebrations that require any kind of planning can be very stressful. If you expected your wedding planning to be completed without a hitch I am wondering just what you expect for married life!

Who is being unreasonable? Let’s look at all sides of the equation:

There are your parents-in-law, who do not wish to allow a gay couple into their church because they consider their son’s sexuality to be sinful. They think the mere presence of his partner will be disrespectful to the Lord. Personally, I find this view unreasonable. Did not Christ surround Himself with those whom society rejected? Did He not accept water from the Samaritan woman at the well (John 4)? While I find your in-laws intolerance to be a reflection on them, I think they are reacting more out of fear of being disrespected by others for showing acceptance to those that their community rejects. They need to ask themselves WWJD (What Would Jesus Do)? How would you act in a situation where you were afraid of being harshly judged? I do not know what denomination you are, but to quote Pop Francis, "If someone is gay, who searches for the Lord and has goodwill, who am I to judge?" So I ask, who are your in-laws to judge? I, for one, can only pity their shortsightedness.

Next let’s look at Chip’s position, as it is a difficult one: he does not wish to enter a building where he and his partner are not welcome as a couple, yet he and his partner will not be attending the wedding itself as a couple; Chip will be on the alter with the rest of the wedding party and Dale will be seated in the congregation. More importantly, it is not the church leaders who are refusing him admission to the ceremony, but his parents. Is Chip’s refusal to attend the wedding ceremony – and therefore his refusal to stand up for his brother – an issue of principle or an issue with his parents? If the church leaders have expressed a refusal to allow Chip to attend the ceremony, then please – for the love of all that is holy – find another church! This is one way in which you could accommodate Chip, in spite of your protests that you are "in no position" to do so. There are many churches that are accepting of people regardless of their “sins”, be they homosexual or heterosexual in form, if you catch my meaning. (If you don't, try and remember your church's teachings on premarital sexual relations!).

Last but most importantly you need to look at how you and your fiancé are handling this matter: he believes in compromise, you believe in a united front. I believe that without the desire or ability to compromise your marriage is completely doomed to failure. The issue of a church wedding versus a reception hall wedding is an area where compromise will be essential. If getting married in the church is important to you, would you consider a Unitarian church? They are welcoming to all who believe and, unlike a reception hall, offer hallowed places for your ceremony.

In the end, I think that everyone involved is being unreasonable in one way or the other. We are all God’s children, and all are welcome in His house. Those who refuse to extend that welcome are the greatest sinners of all.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Religious Misunderstandings Lead To A Host Of Problems In This Relationship

Dear Tazi:

I will be graduating college in a few months, and my boyfriend of six months suggests that we get married.  I love him very much, and think I would like to marry him.  There is just one problem: He is Muslim and I am Catholic.  I did not think our difference in religion would be difficult to overcome.  I am a strict Catholic - no sex, no drugs, no rock and roll - and he is a strict Muslim.  While discussing marriage, I have discovered just how strict.

"Mohammad" would like me to convert to Islam before we marry, and expects me to follow all of the laws of Islam, including wearing a hijab [Islamic face veil], staying at home instead of working, and being obedient to his word.  I was quite taken aback by these requests and asked Mohammad how he would feel if I asked the same of him.  He replied that such a request is both culturally and religiously out of the question that "your Bible states that women should obey their husbands; your culture requires you to take your husband's last name, making you his subservient".  Tazi, I never thought about things this way!

I am now very confused about everything I have always believed!  Yes, the Bible says to obey my husband; but that is Old Testament stuff, written back when women were considered property.  Is there a more modern translation?  And as for changing my last name, that is tradition!  It does not mean I am subservient to my husband, does it?

I am 22 years old, and am no longer sure of my place in the world.  I love my boyfriend, but am no longer sure of how much.  I don't want to abandon my religion, but looking at what the Bible says, I feel like it does not respect me as a woman.  Do you have any answers for me, Tazi?

Signed,
Devoted, But No Longer Hopelessly

Dear Devoted But No Longer Hopelessly:

It is not a good idea to take anything religious or cultural at face value.  That is how you end up feeling confused and dispirited as you are now.  Mohammed is correct that the Bible tells women to "submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord" (Ephesians 5:22), but it also says - a few verses later - "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it" (Ephesians 5:25).  

What does this all mean?  Back when these verses were written, women were property of their husbands, and punishments for being disobedient were quite primitive.  The Biblical demand of wifely obedience was promoting a woman's best interests.  The sticking point is the second verse, ordering husbands to love their wives - to the point of ultimate respect, even to the point where they would give their lives for them.  This verse suggests that a husband should always put his wife's care above his own, and put her best interests above his own desires.  (For example, if the wife is not feeling well the husband is Biblically commanded not to demand sex with her).  Could you "obey" a man who would treat you in this manner?  Can Mohammad be this type of man?  Rather than question your religious beliefs, question your boyfriend.

As for the cultural practice of taking your husband's last name upon marriage, this did originate as a sign of ownership - but then so did the engagement/wedding ring, the printing of a bride's photo in the paper (announcing that she is off the market) and other traditions Americans consider sacred.  The continued practice of these cherished traditions does not mean that the original meaning still applies.

I, personally, find the Spanish tradition of a bride keeping her maiden name and adding "de + her husband's name" quite charming - the literal meaning being she is now of her husband's family, while still retaining her identity.  Here in America, women will follow this tradition by hyphenating their last name with their maiden name, and many families make allowances for differences in religion.  I have family members who are of mixed beliefs, and the traditions of both religions are honored (if not practiced) in their homes.  All of these points are things you can discuss with Mohammed as you try to figure out if you still have a future together.

For further counsel, I suggest you talk over your issues with a clergy member - a priest or a religious brother/sister - or a layperson who works as a spiritual adviser.  Most college campuses have some form of campus ministry, and its members are trained to work with young people.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Average Joe Wonders If His Perfect 10 Is For Real

Dear Tazi:

I can't decide if my girlfriend is with me because she loves me or because I spend a lot of money on her. On the one hand, she never wants to get physical with me; which makes me believe that she is with me for the money, but on the other hand she is devoutly religious - so it could just be her religious views that are keeping our relationship a chaste one. Here are the rest of the facts:

She is an absolute knock-out - tall and leggy, blonde hair, bright green eyes, and an amazing body; I am an average looking guy who is starting to lose his hair.

She is very popular, and loved by everybody; I am the kind of guy that thinks people like having him around, but my friends tell me that my personality can get really annoying and that I need to tone it down a notch.

She works an average job for average pay and hopes to one day be a stay-at-home Mom and a work-from-home professional; I make six-figures, enjoy my career, and could easily afford to have my wife stay at home.

We have only been together for six months, but she is the kind of woman I could see myself spending the rest of my life with - which is why I lavish her with expensive gifts, like jewelry; car repairs; designer clothes; and other goodies. I would like to ask her to marry me, but I can't get past the idea that she is using me for my money and her religion as an excuse to keep me at arms length. I have thought of cutting back on the gifts, but them she might think I am angry with her or worse, losing interest in her. What do you think, Tazi? Could she really love me for me? Or am I just fooling myself?

Signed,
Average Joe

Dear Average Joe:

Before you jump to conclusions, examine the situation at hand. You say your girlfriend (can we give her a name?) is devoutly religious. Does "Lauren" (as I am going to call her) attend services regularly? Volunteer at her church? In essence, does she practice what she preaches - beyond remaining chaste? If the answer is yes, then I would say that she is indeed genuine and with you because she cares about you and can see a future with you. If however the only time she ever comes close to practicing her religious beliefs is when you make a move on her, the answer is probably one you do not want to hear.

There are many ways to express affection for a person without spending gobs of money on them. Cooking a homemade dinner, slipping a love note in her purse, surprising her by washing her car and topping off the gas tank are all free or low cost ways of showing a woman that you love and appreciate her. If there is something that she truly desires - such as a beautiful pair of birthstone earrings or a new dress to wear to church - you can purchase it as a gift for a special occasion. This way, the gift-giving will not be such a one-way street.

If you fear that Lauren will think you are upset with her if you slow down the flow of presents, you need to communicate to her that this is not the case. From the sound of your letter, you suffer from issues of self-worth - sometimes having too much, other times not enough - which could impede your ability to both express yourself and understand what others are telling you. The next time something is on your mind, talk to Lauren about it and honestly listen to how she answers. Sincerity cannot be faked, and you should be able to tell if she is being truthful with you, or simply telling you what you would like to hear. This should give you an idea about her true feelings for you, and tell you in which direction you should head - to the alter, or towards the exit.

Snuggles,
Tazi



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

It Can Be Difficult To Practice What Is Preached - Especially When Money Is At Stake

Dear Tazi:

I have been raised Baptist, but am considering changing my religion to become a Buddhist. I have been studying the lessons of Buddha in my Eastern Philosophy class this semester, and I can really relate to them - much better than I can relate to my own religion. The problem is, as I am sure you can guess, breaking the news to my family; especially my grandparents, who are pretty devout...and pretty rich. I am pretty certain they would disavow me from their will, which right now leaves me a pretty hefty inheritance. As you can see, the situation is not pretty at all.

I have considered converting and just not telling my family about it until after my grandparents (who are quite elderly) have passed, but this feels dishonest. Maybe I should simply wait until after they have passed to convert? What do you think I should do, Tazi?

Signed,
Seeking Inner Peace

Dear Seeking Inner Peace:

There is a lot I could say with regard to your letter, but I will keep it simple and respond with a quote from Buddha himself: A jug fills drop by drop. I don't mean to sound as confounding as Buddha; but if I am, let me explain further: You are at an age where you are starting to question everything, most especially the beliefs with which you were raised, as you seek to exercise your free will. You have been raised in the Baptist church your whole life - and that is a lot of drops in your jug - whereas you have studied Buddhism for all of one semester; that is very few drops. A jug fills drop by drop.

The tone of your letter tells me that you are not yet ready to own your decision to convert to Buddhism; which means you are not yet ready to convert. It is also obvious that you are not ready to let go of the physical (money) wonders of your world and experience the esoteric (spiritual) wonders of Buddhism, which also means that you are not ready to convert to Buddhism. Rather than make the radical decision to change your religion, why not try and incorporate the beliefs of Buddhism into your daily life? They are compatible with all religious beliefs (with the glaring exception of Satanism) and can help to improve your relationship with yourself as well as with others. Remember, as Buddha said, "However many holy words you read, however many you speak, what good will they do you if you do not act on upon them?".

In time, if you find that you want a more active relationship with Buddhism, that will be the time to delve deeper into the idea of a conversion.

Snuggles,
Tazi

With appreciation to BrainyQuote.com for the wise words of Buddha Shakyamuni. --T.K.


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Atheist Teenager Seeks To Explore Religion

Dear Tazi:

I am twelve going on thirteen. All of my life I have been raised an Atheist, but since starting middle school I am starting to question these beliefs. I have friends who are Christian, Jewish, and Islamic; and I am curious about their lives and their religions. They are firm believers of their faith and while they have always respected the fact that I am Atheist, I still feel different.

Whenever we have a tough test, I can see many of my friends bowing their heads in a quick prayer. I am not certain if it is the prayers that help or just their belief in prayer, but they always seem less stressed and manage to do better than they thought they would. When times are tough, they put their faith in their god that things will be okay and have friends praying for them. Again, I am not certain if it is the prayers that work or the sense of community outreach, but these people seem to have a sense of serenity that I lack during my own difficulties.

I would like to explore the idea of religion and spirituality in my life, but I do not know how to tell my parents. I am not looking to join a particular organized religion, but I am curious about god and the idea of a God. I know that my friends would gladly help me on this quest; I am not so certain my parents will approve, though. Do you have any ideas on how to convince them to let me explore these ideas?

Signed,
Looking Into It

Dear Looking Into It:

Most parents are concerned about their teenaged children losing their religion, not gaining it. Your situation is different than most, so I am glad you have a supportive network of friends to help you through this time and to answer any questions you might have about their own religious beliefs and the place their religion plays in their lives. Take advantage of this support group and soak up as much knowledge as you can; it will help you to decide where you stand on what must be a very confusing – and touchy – subject.

As for how you should approach your parents, it has been my experience that most Atheists tend to have more liberal viewpoints on life. This means that although they may not respect your choice they will not stand in your way of exploring it. This does not mean that your parents will support your choice (i.e. drive you to religious services or even to the library to research various religions), but they may surprise you.

You are approaching a time in your life where you will find yourself parting ways with your parents’ beliefs on a variety of subjects; it is a part of growing up. You may find that your beliefs remain your own, or you may discover yourself circling back to the beliefs with which you were raised. This is all a part of your journey to adulthood, and something every parent comes to expect from their child. When you are ready to make a decision, swallow your fear and approach your parents. The strength of your convictions will give you the strength you need to do this.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. According to the United Nations Universal Declaration of Human Rights, Article 18, the right to freely express and practice one’s religious beliefs (or lack thereof) and to change one's religious beliefs is a human right guaranteed to all. Just a bit of trivia to lift your heart!


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Facebook Cattle-Call Brands Writer A Bad Friend

Dear Tazi:

I am so upset I don't know what to do with myself. I was moving into a new apartment for the first of the year, so I put the word out to my friends on Facebook to ask if they could help me. A lot of people responded, but only to tell me why they couldn't do it. You know - sorting, packing, and all the stuff that needs to be done before the actual move and then to help me with the actual move.  I am sick of hearing excuses like "I'd like to, but I have plans" or "I can't unless you can give me gas money; I don't have the gas money to get there and back". One person even said "I can't because that's the Sabbath"!

Isn't assisting a friend in need the perfect way to honor God? And I would think helping a friend to move is more important than some weekend plans. As for not having gas money, friends should be willing to help friends for free, not for gas money! Do you have any good responses that I can give to these so-called "friends" when they ask me why I am un-friending them on Facebook?

Signed,
Moving On

Dear Moving On:

I have the perfect response that you can give to those who question why you are un-friending them: I'm sorry I over-reacted to your inability to help me move. Can you forgive me for being so self-centered?

And for failing to offer the obligatory case of beer!

Nobody likes moving, even during the best of times; but to put out the request for help during the winter weather, on a weekend, in the middle of the holiday season? Did you honestly expect people to respond in droves? The reasons people gave are perfectly acceptable and quite reasonable. Would you have preferred they ignore your request altogether? In your letter, you disrespect one friend's religious practices; another's financial limitations; and a third friend's pre-existing plans. I can only imagine how you responded to them on Facebook, where people tend to be much more candid.

Unless you would be willing to put your plans/religion/financial needs aside to answer a cattle-call type request for help you have no right to complain about others reacting the same way. By un-friending these people, you are probably doing them a favor. Remember that in order to have good friends we must be a good friend. It's a little late to make this your New Year's resolution, so why not just resolve to try harder? Consider it a spring cleaning for the soul. You will be surprised at the results you get.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Wiccan Teen Wants To Know How To Deal With Friends' Curiousity

Dear Tazi:

I am being raised a Wiccan by two Wiccan parents who were both raised Christian before they converted. You would never know that Mom and Dad were raised Christian by the way they talk - constantly attributing things to "the goddess" or "Gaia". I have no problem with this, as it is my belief, too, but I get upset when they say stuff like this in front of my grandparents (either set) because it obviously upsets them. Although this is part of my problem, it is not one I can't handle. My bigger problem is with my friends.

When my friends come over they are fascinated by my Mom and Dad and how we live. We have offerings to the spirits in our garden and live a very environmentally friendly life. We have shines to goddesses like some people have shrines to Mary and Joseph. My friends think it is pretty cool, and are always asking me how to become Wiccan or what Wiccans believe. I tell them it is a religion, and we have our beliefs just like they have theirs, and I am usually happy to explain some of the stuff that must seem out of the ordinary to them. It's when my parents overhear their questions that things get creepy.

My parents both believe that they must work to convert others to our religion; that only in converting others can we save the Earth and spread peace. While I argue that you do not have to be  Wiccan to be an environmentalist, Mom argues that all environmentalists are Wiccan deep down, and it is our job to help them realize it.

A few of my friends' parents have found out about my parents efforts to convert them to what they think is a "satanic" religion and have refused to allow them to come over my house anymore. I have tried to explain that Wicca is not Satanism, that Wicca predates the Bible itself, but they say that Satan has always existed and that he predates the Bible, too. I guess I don't have to tell you how badly that argument ended for me and my friends.

I am not ashamed of my religion, but sometimes I wish that my Christian friends were not so fascinated by it. They don't seem to be fascinated by Judaism, so why do they think Wicca is so cool? Someone told me it was because Wicca is "cool", but that was kind of insulting. I mean, my religion isn't some emo trend; it's a part of who I am. So I guess what I want to know is how can I find balance between my inner and outer lives? My life at home and my life out in the world?

Signed,
Faerie Lover

Dear Faerie Lover:

While the Wiccan religion has gained both popularity and acceptance over the last several decades, it is still something relatively new when compared to other world religions. Although it has been around for thousands of years, it has never been as mainstream as Christianity, Judaism, and even Islam. You even say yourself that your parents were not raised Wiccan, but converted, and among your friends you are the only one who is being raised Wiccan.

If I saw this, I'd be curious, too!

Do your parents belong to a coven?: If so, are there other children your age who you can lean on for support and understanding? You may want to cultivate friendships with these people, for both social interaction and as fellow members of your faith. Other religions have youth fellowships, so why not yours? It will help you to feel less alone among your friends, knowing that there are peers out there who practice the same religion as you.

The matter of your parents attempting to convert your friends is a sticky one. Because it is upsetting your friends parents, I think it would be in everyone's best interest if they kept their efforts at conversion to those who are over the age of 18! However, they should still feel free to answer polite and respectful questions about their religious beliefs. People ask because they are curious, not because they seek to judge. You may want to remember this as you try to balance both your inner and outer self! Also remember that anything seen as new or different will be judged by others as either cool or not cool; do your best to remain patient with these people and the novelty they see will quickly wear off, and they will once again see you as one of the crowd.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Religious Differences Between Siblings Lead To More Than A Difference Of Opinion

Dear Tazi:

My brother is very religious. I am not. I respect his views, but he does not respect mine, telling me that it is his "duty as a Christian to bring the word of Christ" to me - which he attempts to do quite frequently, which is why I try to limit our contact with each other. (The operative word here is "try").

"Joshua" is my only sibling, so in spite of our differences I do try to be there for him when he needs me - which is also frequently. Apparently, following the word of Christ has not led him to a steady job with a paycheck high enough to cover his debts. When I mentioned this to him once, in jest, he got upset and told me that his "rewards are in Heaven". Have I painted a clear enough picture for you?

A few weeks ago, Joshua's car - which was pretty run-down to begin with - finally died on him. It was a day that he actually happened to have a job interview for a good paying job in his professional field, so I loaned him my car. When I got it back the gas tank was empty (I was not surprised) but there was an addition to my dashboard - a small crucifix on a stand had been super-glued directly under by rear-view mirror. The crucifix is made of pewter, so it is not some cheap plastic chotchkie that cost him  a dollar at the religious relics store.

I am very upset with Joshua for a) defacing my vehicle. Super-glue can do some damage and b) spending gas money on a decorative item that I don't even want! When I explained to Joshua that what he did was wrong, he gave me a new reason to be upset with him: he told me he'd had my car blessed for me while he was out. WHO does this sort of thing to someone else's stuff? The blessing does not bother me; it is the fact that he felt the need to have my car blessed - like it is the Satanmobile or something!

I have told Josh that I don't appreciate his spending gas money on decorations for my car and that I would appreciate it if he didn't drive it all over town when he is only supposed to be going to a job interview (his church, where he had my car blessed, is across town). Joshua's feelings are now hurt, and our mother has asked me to apologize to Joshua "in the spirit of the season". I understand her request but feel that it brushes aside my feelings on the matter, as if Joshua's feelings are more important because they coincide better with her own (she is religious, but not super-so). Should I apologize to Joshua for offending him and just never loan him my car again? Or should I stand my ground, and never loan him my car again? (Either way, I am never loaning him my car again!).

Signed,
Unapologetic

Dear Unapologetic:

I think that you and Joshua both owe each other apologies. Joshua was very wrong to use all of your vehicle's gas and not replace it. He was also very wrong to use money that should have gone for gas to buy you a present that he knew you would not appreciate. Finally, he was wrong to super-glue a statuette of anything to your dashboard without your expressed permission. For this he owes you a big ol' mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa!

Although it could have been worse than an innocent crucifix!

On the flip side...are you certain that your brother got your car blessed because he viewed your persona vehicle as some kind of "Satanmobhile"? Was it possible that he felt blessing the vehicle was his way of asking God to watch over you and keep you safe while you are driving? Have you never heard of the annual Blessing of the Bikes? And honestly, if Joshua thought your vehicle was Satan's Caddie he would never have asked to borrow it in the first place!

It is possible that your mother has chosen to get involved and ask you to apologize to your brother because he has been bemoaning his case to her and she believes an apology received will be the quickest way make him stop. It is wrong of her to take sides in an argument between her children; however, if you both wish for her to moderate the issue than you may want to print out a copy of this letter and show it to both your Mom and your brother. There is a dreadful lack of clear and peaceful communication between you and Joshua that can only lead to further problems down the road - regardless of the path either of you choose to follow.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

How Do You Discard Of Something That Has Been Blessed?

Dear Tazi:

I have an elderly aunt who is on a limited budget and is also quite religious. Every year for Christmas she sends me a small, plastic figurine of a saint or of the Blessed Mother, which she has had blessed by her church's priest before mailing it to me. It always arrives with a beautiful card, full of heartfelt sentiments of how she is praying for me and my continued well-being, which to me is the gift that I appreciate the most. The cheap plastic figurines? Not so much.

I actually have a very nice curio cabinet in which I keep my porcelain knick-knacks and family heirlooms and over the years these plastic figurines have made their way into it every time "Aunt Jenny" comes to visit. Because she lives a distance away her visits are always announced and generally infrequent. I am saddened to know that last year's visit from Aunt Jenny will be her last because her health no longer permits her to fly. I will of course be visiting her, that is not the issue. My issue is, how do I get rid of all the figurines she has sent me over the years now that I know she will no longer be coming to visit?

I feel guilty enough putting the figurines in storage until she visits - they have been blessed, which means I certainly can't throw them away! I have considered donating them to a local charity or selling them at a tag sale, but then I think of the love that Aunt Jenny put into these gifts and I just can't bear the thought of parting with them like that. In the end, though, I really don't want them decorating my house!

Signed,
In A Spot

Dear In A Spot:

You do have quite the conundrum! According to religious faiths, anything that has been blessed should not be thrown in the garbage; this does not mean that you must hand onto it forever, though. It appears these plastic statues have sentimental value to you, so I suggest keeping them in storage just a little while longer. Should your aunt pass sometime soon, you may regret getting rid of her gifts.

If you are truly bent on getting rid of these plastic figurines I suggest you try donating them to a church or asking a priest to handle them for proper disposal. Technically, once something has been blessed it needs to be buried. Some people bury these plastic statues on their property, having been taught that this will bless the property by extension; others insist on burying them at a local cemetery, which is already hallowed ground. Some people put these plastic figurines into the coffin of a loved one before they are interred. All are appropriate methods of removal.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Bat Mitzvah Celebration Second To The Importance Of Ceremony

Dear Tazi:

My daughter will be turning 13 this spring, and her father and I are secretly planning her Bat Mitzvah party. Our religion and our culture are very important to us, and we wish to pass the importance of them onto our daughter; for this reason we are having her concentrate on the solemnity of the event and have her thinking there will be a light reception in the Temple hall after the ceremony. She has no idea that we have planned a large party for her and will be inviting all of her friends, as well as family who will be traveling a great distance to see her.

“Rachel” has attended several Bar and Bat Mitzvahs over the past few years and has seen the great lengths her friends’ parents have gone through to make these special events memorable – formal dances at a local ballroom; a small fair, complete with a midway and rides; a $100-a-plate dinner, to name a few. My husband and I have been very fortunate financially, and will be sparing no expense on Rachel’s party, however we do not want her to turn into a “princess”; for this reason, we have always worked to keep her humble and have not spoiled her.

Rachel is starting to ask what we will be doing for her Bat Mitzvah and throwing suggestions our way – renting a nightclub and hiring PaulyD. from Jersey Shore to DJ it; hosting a spa day for her and all of her guests; and other ideas that only a young teen would suggest. We have planned an evening of dinner and dancing aboard a cruise ship that will cruise to the local islands where the party will continue both on the yacht and the beach. Rachel knows nothing of this; we have told her that she should concentrate on learning her Hebrew for the big day and to leave the reception to us, her parents.

I guess we have done a good job of convincing Rachel that she will not be getting a huge party, because she has started to whine and complain about how we are “the worst parents ever” and how she will be “completely humiliated” in front of all her friends when all she gets is a reception in the Temple hall. When my husband threatened to take even that away if she did not behave, she tried cajoling us by telling us how all of her friends have invited her to huge parties and that it would be rude not to reciprocate. Knowing as we do, her pleas are falling upon deaf ears.

This week it got back to my husband, through one of his business contacts, that Rachel has been bragging to her friends that we will be throwing her the “biggest bash” anyone has ever seen, that we are pulling out all the stops to make it the most memorable party ever. Since Rachel knows none of the details, we had to assume she was bluffing but we asked her anyway. She told us we now had to throw her such a party in order to save face and avoid embarrassment.

Tazi, my husband is livid! He is considering cancelling Rachel’s party altogether and going through with the small reception in the Temple hall that we have told her she will be having. We have tried so hard to instill humility into our daughter, but I do not think humiliating her will be the way to go about doing it. Thus far I have been able to convince my husband to think about his decision, but the final date to cancel and still get our (sizable) deposits back is coming soon and I do not think he has changed his mind.

I know this sounds silly but…well, during the Middle Ages cats saved our people from the plague by eating the rats and mice that infected others. [Ed. Note: The Judaic people kept cats as house-pets, which was uncommon at the time considering that cats were associated with witches and their craft]. My husband has a special affinity for cats, and he loves your comments, always saying you are a “klug ketsle” which means “clever kitty” in Yiddish. Can you think of a better way to teach our daughter the humility we so seek for her, and the understanding that the most important part of her Bat Mitzvah is not the party that follows?

Signed,

Shroyft

Dear Shroyft:

Thank you for the compliments and the faith you place in me to solve your problem! I will do my best to think of a solution that will work for everyone and save your daughter’s magnificent sounding party!

Rachel is at an age where young girls are becoming young women, and midst these changes come changes in attitudes. Girls take their insecurities out on each other, and constantly try to one-up each other to remain on top. It could be that Rachel’s friends were asking her what kind of party she will be having and she panicked. I would not be too hard on her – it can be very hard to remain humble when you are a teenage girl surrounded by angst; although she may not be acting humble on the outside, I am sure that your daughter is feeling plenty humbled on the inside.

Your daughter’s Bat Mitzvah is a huge event for both her and your family, so I suggest you make the celebration that follows about your faith and your family. At a wedding reception, the bride and groom spend an hour or two going to every table and thanking their guests for spending their special day with them, and spending a few minutes making each guest feel like a special part of the event; I suggest you have Rachel do the same at her party. This in and of itself will be an exercise in patience and humility, as well as a wonderful gesture to make your guests feel appreciated for attending, especially those who traveled a great distance to be there.

Although I am not Jewish, I am familiar with many of the traditions surrounding the faith, including tithing. I suggest you tell Rachel now that she will be donating 10% of her cash gifts received from her Bat Mitzvah. Tell her that she should start thinking about where she would like to donate it and why she has chosen that particular organization to receive her tithe. This can be a lesson in both humility, the traditions of your faith and the meanings behind the tithe. You could make this a part of her preparations for her Bat Mitzvah.

Leaving Rachel in the dark about whether or not she is going to have a large and splendid party – making her think that she will be having no party at all, in spite of her bragging – would be the road I would take. Once she realizes the pressure she is putting on you and her father is not working, she will probably start to do damage control among her friends as she tries to back away from her original statements – another lesson on the benefits of keeping a humble tongue in one’s keppelah.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Virgin Shares Her Bed But Not Her Body, Much To Mother's Disbelief

Dear Tazi:

I was raised devoutly Christian and remain so as an adult. I have been blessed to meet a man who respects my beliefs, although he does not share all of them. “Manuel” and I have been dating for three years now, and due to financial difficulties we have decided to move in together. I think this is the right move for our relationship, because we would like to get married someday and I would like to make sure we are compatible as living-mates, as we are as live-mates.

Although we are renting a one-bedroom apartment, Manuel and I are not having sex. I am a virgin and am saving myself for marriage. Manuel respects me, although he admits it is frustrating to sleep in the same bed with me and not be able to consummate our relationship. I have taken to wearing long cotton and flannel night gowns to ease his tensions. My problem is my mother.

Mom does not believe that Manuel and I are maintaining our chastity. She has condemned me for “living in sin” and has told me she will not come to my wedding if I do not “rectify this abomination immediately”. I don’t think she would actually skip my wedding – my brother lived with his girlfriend and was having sex with her (I know because she was three months pregnant by the time their long-planned wedding date rolled around) and Mom still came to his wedding, even after threatening to disown him and calling his wife every name in the Book.

My problem isn’t my fear of losing my relationship with my Mom; it’s her belief that I have turned away from the teachings of my church and her belief that I am lying to her. How can I convince her that I am still the good girl she raised, and will remain that way until my wedding night?

Signed,

Saving Myself

Dear Saving Myself:

One of the downers of being an adult is needing to take responsibility for your actions. Another downer is cutting the apron strings when you would rather keep them firmly tied in place of the umbilical cord that once kept you attached to your mother. Your mother has accused you of lying; you know you are not. Why do you feel the need to prove to her that you are telling the truth when there is no way – short of a gynecological exam – to prove to her you are still her “good girl”? If your mother cannot take you at your word, this is her problem; you should not be making it yours.

I suggest you meet your Mom for coffee or for lunch or whatever you feel comfortable doing as you broach this subject with her. Tell your mother that you are disappointed with her. Explain that she raised you in faith, and that you continue to follow that faith; her accusations against you are hurtful and untrue. Tell her what you have told me: that you want to make sure that you and Manuel are as compatible as living-mates as you are as life-mates, and that living together not only accomplishes this end but also helps to save money, which you can put towards the wedding you hope to one day have.

One a somewhat related note, for the sake of Manuel’s mental health, your mother’s concerns, and general appearances, you might want to give up the double bed and invest in a set of twin beds (your mother may even want to assist with the cost). This compromise is not ideal, but compromises rarely are.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Respect For Religious Differences Goes Both Ways

Dear Tazi:

Could you please print my letter ASAP? I fear a family argument will erupt if this issue is not settled ASAP!

My brother-in-law (my husband's brother) is Jewish. We are not. He converted when he got married, and no longer celebrates the Christian holidays, although he will usually stop by to say hello and wish us and the rest of the family well as we celebrate our faith. Although my husband's family disapproves of his conversion, I have always been sensitive to his beliefs and make sure to wish him well on his holidays as he wishes me well on mine.

This past month Easter and Passover fell during the same time, so I did not expect to see "Fred" and was surprised when he made an unannounced visit to my house on Easter Sunday while coffee and dessert was being served. I of course welcomed him in, and invited him to join us for coffee. I had made some beautiful cookies for dessert, and decorated them in Easter colored sprinkles - pink, purple, and yellow. Fred immediately took offense to this, telling me that I should have thought to decorate some in Passover colors, too.

Tazi, I was taken aback by Fred's request! For starters, I was not expecting him to come over; second, the cookies were for an Easter celebration, not Passover! I tried to diffuse Fred's temper by mentioning that the cookies contained baking powder - a leavening agent - so to decorate them in "Passover colors" would have been highly inappropriate. Fred responded that I could have left the baking powder out of some of the cookies, so I told him that would have made them hard as rocks and inedible. Fred then launched into a tirade about how he always thought that I accepted his religious conversion, but now my true colors were emerging.

My husband came to my defense, but in an unfortunate manner, saying some anti-Semitic things as he commented that I was the only family member to support Fred's conversion. This made the argument even more heated, so my mother-in-law tried to end the argument, but Fred then accused her of taking sides. All of this over a batch of cookies and an unexpected visit! I told Fred that I would have prepared for his visit if I knew he was coming, but he just twisted my words to sound like he was unwelcome without calling first.

Fred ended up storming out of the house and going home. I am not sure what he told his wife, but she left a rude message on my answering machine later that evening as everyone was leaving. I do want to patch things up, but need to know if I was wrong in not making appropriate accommodations for Fred. Should I have expected his visit? The family says he is just being a jerk, but I tend to think they are biased against him.

Signed,
Too Tolerant?

Dear Too Tolerant?:

My unbiased opinion is that Fred is being a jerk. The fact that there are no traditional colors for Passover makes it obvious that there is a much larger issue that needs to be addressed, and Fred was looking for a way to pick a bone over it. It very wrong to take his anger at his family out on you.

Since your issue only occurred a few days ago, there is still time to talk things over before things get too awkward. I suggest you call your sister-in-law and ask to speak to her about the misunderstanding that happened on Easter. Once you explain to her what you have told me - that you in no way wished to offend Fred, and would have made appropriate treats and/or accommodations had you known he would be stopping by - the ice will have been broken and your sister-in-law should be willing to listen. [Ed. Note: Depending on Fred's level of observance, he may not even be able to enter a home that has yeast products in it during Pesach]. Since you have always been respectful and accepting of her religious beliefs I do not believe she will think that you have suddenly changed your mind, or that you have been hiding your "true colors" all these years.

Apologies are needed all around, starting with Fred and your sister-in-law apologizing to you for making you a target of their pent up anger. Your husband needs to apologize to Fred for his anti-Semitic comments - such comments are inexcusable in polite society. Your mother-in-law deserves the chance to be heard and explain that she was not choosing sides, that she was trying to keep the peace until a more appropriate time and venue for argument presented itself.

Last but not least, I personally believe that the entire family needs to seek professional counseling to deal with the important issue of acceptance! I realize that a religious conversion can be seen as an affront to those who believe differently, but respect for religious differences goes both ways. Fred has been respectful to your family by continuing to visit and wish tidings on your Christian holidays; he deserves the same respect in return.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. In the future, I suggest you keep some kosher treats on hand in case Fred pays another unexpected visit! It will go a long way towards keeping the peace. --T.K.


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Religious Differences Putting The Kibosh On Marriage

Dear Tazi:

My husband is Jewish and I am not. I am not of any religious affiliation, and he knew this when we got married. I respect his religion and the dietary restrictions it places on him, but do not participate in any way, shape, or form. This is becoming a bone of contention in our marriage.

"Hershel" has been delving deeper into the study and practice of Judaism and has been pressuring me to join him in his studies. I have no interest in doing this, but he refuses to back down, saying that a wife should be obedient to her husband. I am assuming that he got this idea from his religious readings, because nowhere in our marriage vows was obedience promised!

With Passover coming up, Hershel has been pressuring me to follow the dietary guidelines of the observance, including the "eschewing of leavening agents" in my bread. Tazi, this is ridiculous! I am not even sure why Jews can't eat yeast, but I don't think it has anything to do with any modern need to avoid it!

I have just about had it with Hershel's obsessive behavior, and am giving serious consideration to my future with him. My friends tell me that I am overreacting, and that I should be more tolerant of my husband's beliefs. Some are even suggesting that I humor Hershel and go along with some of less onerous requests, like the observance of Passover. I need an unbiased opinion.

Signed,
Not Observant

Dear Not Observant:

I am printing your letter during Passover, while there is still time for you to offer to compromise with your husband.

Your use of the word "ridiculous" to describe his dietary restrictions during this solemn time raises red flags for me. Many religious guidelines have no place in modern life, but recall a time when they were vital to survival. Through early religious history Jews were a wandering people, having been forced out of their own lands and then enslaved by others. Leavening agents take time to work; being on the run from the Egyptians that had enslaved them, the Jewish people did not have time to wait for their dough to rise before making bread. By recalling this time of their history the Jewish people are recalling the struggles that brought their ancestors to freedom. Personally, I find this tradition both beautiful and refreshing.

The fact that Hershel wants you to participate in his religious traditions speaks of how important you are to him, as well as how important his traditions are. Have you looked at it from this point of view? Since Hershel is only providing one side of the story when he states that wives must obey their husbands, I can see your reticence to explore his beliefs any further. You do not state whether or not you are an Atheist, or simply non-religious, so I am not sure how to advise you further. A compromise on this issue would be to explore Hershel's faith from an historical point of view, not a religious one. Religious history can make for a fascinating subject, and can help you understand how and why many traditions developed. Don't throw your marriage away over this one issue. Regardless of how large an issue it is, love and understanding can overcome it.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Tazi's Corner #22 - Diversity vs. Acceptance; Can't We Have Both?

Dear Readers:

I live in Rhode Island where our Governor decided to rename the State House Christmas Tree a “Holiday Tree”, in order to be inclusive of other religions that use an evergreen tree to celebrate their December holidays.  I know of no other religion that uses a cut evergreen decorated in lights to celebrate this festive season.  Some have told me that “pagans” use the evergreen, and that the Christmas tree is based upon the tradition of decorating an evergreen to celebrate the Winter Solstice. These people are only half-right. A little knowledge can be a dangerous thing, and that appears to be what has happened here. 

I do not disagree that our pagan ancestry decorated evergreens in honor of the Winter Solstice, but they decorated live, planted evergreens and they used items found in nature!  The religions we call pagan – in particular Wicca, from which Christianity draws many of its celebratory customs – worshiped nature.  No faithful of a pagan religion would dare to cut down a live tree to celebrate nature!  If I were a follower of Wicca, I would be insulted that one would try to pass off a cut evergreen as a symbol of my beliefs in an attempt to be “inclusive” of my beliefs!  This is tantamount to someone hanging a crucifix upside down and thinking that it all means the same to a Christian. 

In our attempts to be inclusive, we offend those that society has deemed safe to offend.  Nobody would dare to call a Menorah or a Kinara a “Holiday Candelabra”, even though other religions and cultural celebrations use candles in their celebrations, too.  Why has society deemed it appropriate to offend the majority in its attempts to promote the diversity of our culture?  In the wise words of Abraham Lincoln, “a house divided against itself cannot stand”.  Room must be made for all at the holiday celebration, but not by pushing long-time guests out of the house.

Religion is a part of culture; in fact, it is one of the few anthropological universals.  Even as society as a whole moves away from the strict observation of religious mores, Christmas is still celebrated on a large scale because it has become more than a religious holiday; it has become a cultural [read: secular] celebration of our hope for peace on earth and a reminder of our own attempts to practice goodwill towards others.  These values spring not from any one religion or faith, but of the cultural views of countless nations.  How ironic that the Christmas tree – a symbol and reminder of what we celebrate as a culture, regardless of religious belief or non-belief  – has become the symbol of a divided nation!

This holiday season I send wishes to all who read this for a blessed holiday, regardless of what holiday or holidays you celebrate.  I ask that those who would normally react with intolerance towards a holiday symbol – be it a Christmas tree or a Menorah or a Kinara or a Festivus Pole – to temper your intolerance and instead indulge in curiosity.  Rather than condemn the symbol, ask questions about what it means to the person who has displayed it.  What you learn could go a long way in the fight to promote a diversity that does not discriminate.

Snuggles,

Tazi

P.S.  In order of their appearance on the calendar, I would like to wish you all a...

Hanukkah 2012 started last night!  אני מקווה שהאור של הנס באת לנצח

Happy Hanukkah to my Jewish readers!

Winter Solstice is on 12/21/12.
Wishing you a blessed and festive solstice celebration!

Festivus is on 12/23/12, for those unfamiliar with this celebration!
Click here to air your grievances, Festivus revelers! 

     

December 25th - January 6th, for those who celebrate all twelve days.
That's a lot of partridges and pear trees!

December 26th - January 1st
Seven days of  thanksgiving and a celebration of African culture

More Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Pregnant Teen Has Regrets; Will Her Baby Be One Of Them?

Dear Tazi:

How I wish I could pick you up and give you a big snuggle and make everything right in my world again. I have a big problem, one I am not so certain that even a cat could solve. I am 15 years old and pregnant, and I do not know how to tell my parents or if they would even believe me when I tell them how it happened.

A few months ago my best friend and I got dressed up, put on make-up, and made ourselves look older in order to sneak into a frat party at one of the local colleges. We did it on a dare and because it felt sooooooo cool to be drinking with college students and to be escaping from my parents firm rule. They are fundamentalist Christians, and have tries to raise me to live by the same rules, but I hate it. Now I feel like I am being punished for breaking the rules.

I take full responsibility for going to the party, Tazi, but I did not have sex on purpose. I can't remember how much I had to drink, only that I got really dizzy after my last one and may have blacked out or passed out - I can't remember! I know I would not willingly have sex with a stranger, so I am thinking maybe someone at the party slipped something into one of my drinks - but I can't be 100% certain! My best friend wasn't with me at the time; all she remembers is seeing me sitting on a couch looking "out of it" and then finding me at the end of the night with my clothes pulled off.

Obviously, I am far too young to be a responsible Mom, but there is no way I could have an abortion, either, even if I believed in it. Sooner or later I am going to have to tell my parents - I just can't imagine how! I just wish this was all a bad dream.

Signed,
Growing Problem

Dear Growing Problem:

You have my deepest sympathies for your plight. Your situation is a difficult one all around, and the sooner you work on setting things straight the sooner your life will start to make more sense. The first thing you need to do is tell your parents everything you have told me here - you can even print out this letter and tell them it is from you, if that is easier for you. The second thing you must do is report your sexual assault to your local authorities.

Normally, a few months after a sexual assault occurs is a few months late to collect evidence; however, your assailant left undeniable evidence that now grows inside of you. Regardless of whether the sex was consensual or not, at fifteen you are considered to be too young to give consent, so your assailant is guilty of statutory rape at the very least. If you provide the police with the time, date, and location of the party they may be able to track down the man who has fathered your child. Fraternities - especially those that are chapters of a national organization - have a reputation to protect, and will generally cooperate in exchange for keeping the house name of their organization out of the negative spotlight that is about to be shone upon it.

Your parents will be understandably upset, to put things mildly. As fundamentalist Christians, though, it is their avowed duty to practice the love that they preach. This means forgiving you of your sins (going behind their backs to a party qualifies as a sin) and offering you the emotional support you need to work through this difficult time. This child you carry is their grandchild, so they have a duel emotional stake in what is happening.

Since termination of your pregnancy is out of the question, this leaves you with two choices: putting the child up for adoption or raising the child yourself. There are several non-profit resources out there that would be willing to offer you assistance as you attempt to find the right path for you to follow. I would suggest that you start with the church that you and your family attend.

I realize this is a scary situation for you to be going through, but I want you to take a deep breath and think for a moment how your decision will affect you down the road. Can you picture your life ten years from now? Do you see raising your child as a daily part of it? Or do you see yourself content with the decision to offer him/her to a loving couple who are seeking to start a family? In the end, the final decision is yours to make; but I do hope that your family will be supportive of whatever you decide.

Extra snuggles and a purr,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

EXTRA EDITION: A (Hopefully!) Final Word On The Prayer Banner Controversy

Dear Readers:

I received this letter in the comments section of the student response to "Falcon Forever", and am printing it as a letter because I feel it sums up the entire issue of the Cranston (RI) High School West prayer banner controversy. Enjoy!

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. Of all the comments and letters I have received on this matter, the overwhelming majority have been against keeping the banner.

Tazi,

Never felt moved to comment, although I love your work on this blog, until I followed your coverage of the "Cranston prayer banner" story. I have my own thoughts on the subject, and unless you decide that you've devoted enough time to the topic and want to move on (which I've seen cats do quite easily, which is why I love them so much), you have my permission to post this as a separate letter as well.

I've seen a lot of people commenting on the story suggest that Jessica could have just ignored the banner, but it doesn't change the fact that it is completely unconstitutional to have any prayer in a public school, regardless of what religion it promotes. I don't think it's about whether or not she thought that the Christian underground was out to convert her, or if she hated organized religion and all its manifestations. I believe she just thought it was illegal to have there. If alumni of an inner city school gifted a block of crack to their alma mater, it would be illegal for the school to have it, and no one would disagree. She thought that this was illegal for the school to possess/display as well. There seems to be this idea that she was out to destroy baby Jesus and succeeded, which is missing the point. She was pointing out a technicality, and the circuit judge agreed. Freedom of religion also means freedom from religion.

One complainant mentioned on Facebook: "The prayer is never recited; no one even knows the damn thing, except that it's up on the [expletive deleted] wall; and no one ever sees the wall, 'cause no one is ever in the [expletive deleted] auditorium, and when they are there, the [expletive deleted] lights are off!" If that is the case, then why make a big deal about it being taken down? She made her case, and legally she won, and if no one has ever noticed the thing before, then they shouldn't have any problems with it not being there.

Finally, a random thought from my past: When I was in the sixth grade, after the Pledge of Allegiance, we would recite what was called a "Class Code" every morning, and I still remember it by heart: "As sixth graders, we must be respectful of each other, always strive to do our very best work, cooperate as a class, treat everyone as we would like to be treated, and be an excellent example for the rest of the school." It's no Our Father, for sure, but it's a valid statement, perfectly complete and respectable with no religious inclusions whatsoever, unless you want to count the Golden Rule, which to be frank was repeated by many great minds before, during, and after the time of Christ. Without the appeal to a "Heavenly Father" and the "Amen" closing, I'm sure even Jessica herself wouldn't see a problem with a "class code" or "code of ethics" or whatever you want to call it based on the remaining words:

"Grant us each day the desire to do our best,
To grow mentally and morally as well as physically,
To be kind and helpful to our classmates and teachers,
To be honest with ourselves as well as with others,
Help us to be good sports and smile when we lose as well as when we win,
Teach us the value of true friendship,
Help us always to conduct ourselves so as to bring credit to Cranston High School West."

That's beautiful! And it doesn't offend anyone. I suspect the only reason Cranston West didn't make such a change when public prayer was no longer allowed in schools is because, based on the complainant's words, successive administrations have forgotten the prayer was ever there. And you know what they say about forgetting: "If you forget something, invariably it'll come back to bite you in the behind." That's what I think happened here.

-gdelgi

Tazi here again! Perhaps compromise can rule the day, and the opening and closing of this prayer/creed/code can simply be painted over so as to read as a School Code, as has been suggested by others. Cats don't usually believe in compromise - after all, whatever we want we consider ours - but we hate to see humans argue (the noise disturbs our inner peace). Thank you for sharing!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Child Is Losing His Religion, Much To Mother's Dismay

Dear Tazi:

My heart is breaking. My son started college this past September, and when he returned home over the semester break he informed me that he would not be attending Christmas mass with me - or any mass, for that matter. "Jeff" told me that he realized that religion is nothing more than "pablum for the weak minded masses" and that he wanted no part of it.

I have tried talking to him about his sudden change in behavior, but the more I try the further he runs. With the whole hulabuloo in your home state over a prayer banner in the local high school, I am sure you have had it with issues of religion; but please, is there any advice you can offer me on how to break-through to my son?

Signed,
Devastated

Dear Devastated:

Your son's words are quite hurtful, for many reasons, but especially since you appear to be a devout Christian. Please know that you have my sympathies.

Many times, when a child leaves home for the first time it is a time of personal discovery. Whether your son is an atheist or is simply exploring different philosophies is something that only time will tell. In the Book of Matthew (13:1-23) the parable of the Sower and the Seeds tells the story of the various places seeds fell - "some seed fell by the wayside; and the birds came and devoured them. 5 Some fell on stony places, where they did not have much earth; they immediately sprang up because they had no depth of earth. 6 But when the sun was up they were scorched, and because they had no root they withered away. 7 And some fell among thorns, and the thorns sprang up and choked them..."

In times of adversity, some turn away from their upbringing while others cling to it; the same can be said in times of prosperity. I gather from your son's comment that religion is "pablum for the weak minded masses" that there is more going on in his life than he is willing to share. Perhaps he is the seed that is being choked by the weeds; or the seedling that cannot burrow into the rocky ground. Rather than chase your son back into a life in the church - as you have seen, that will not work - try to approach him on his own terms: Ask him why he feels as he does, what has happened to affect this sudden change in his beliefs, and why he feels he must use such hurtful language. Everyone is entitled to their opinions and beliefs; but nobody is entitled to be disrespectful to another - especially to their Mama!

If you can engage your son in an honest and caring conversation - one in which he does not feel attacked - perhaps he will be more willing to discuss his feelings on this sensitive matter. I cannot guarantee that he will return to the church - that is a decision that he alone can make - but at least you will know why he has walked away from it.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Teen Is Feeling Lost On The Path Of Religious Teachings

Dear Tazi-Kat:

I don't know what to do or who to turn to for advice with my problem. I am 15-years-old and preparing to make my Confirmation in the spring. My problem is, I am not sure I want to do it. I was raised Catholic, and have always gone to church because my parents drag me there, which is why I have also been going to my Confirmation classes; but the way the teacher talks about how Confirmation is my "decision to become a full-fledged member of the Chruch" makes me balk at the idea of it.

I am not sure I am ready to commit to the idea of one true religion, when there are so many in the world. I think I would at least like the opportunity to explore some of them before pledging myself to one for life. If I tell my parents that I don't want to be Confirmed, I am afraid they will be very angry; but if I go through with it, I will be angry with myself for not following my heart. Any suggestions on how to handle the whole situation, Tazi?

Signed,
Confused Catholic

Dear C.C.:

From the tone of your letter, I am predicting you will be the kind of Catholic who stops attending services as soon as you are old enough to move out of your parents house. No parent who values their religious faith wants this for their child, so I suggest you have a frank discussion with your parents about how you are feeling. Will they be angry with you? Most likely not. Will they be terribly disappointed with your decision not to be Confirmed? Most likely yes, because this is something that is important to them. However, that is one of the beautys of the sacrament of Confirmation - according to my sources, it is your choice to make; and if you express doubts about wanting to go through with it, the Bishop of your Diocese will see to it that you are not Confirmed until you feel you are ready - should that day ever come.

If I may make a simple analogy, religions are like perfumes. Some people are given the perfect scent as a gift, and choose to stick with that one scent for all of their lives; while other people discover the perfect perfume all on their own, sometimes finding it on the first try, other times sampling several different scents before finding the right one. Some people start with one scent, but with time their happiness with it fades and eventually they stop wearing the perfume and either find a new one or stop wearing perfume altogether.

There is something else about perfume that also correlates to religion: If you sniff-test more than three perfumes in a row, you will lose your ability to distinguish between them. The same can be said for trying out differnet religions, as many of them are extremely similar, differing only by subtle nuances within their dogmas.

Do you have a spiritual advisor? Someone who you can talk to about your questions and misgivings? This person may be able to help you focus on why you are experiencing the feelings you are going through, and could also introduce you to the basics of different religious beliefs. S/he does not have to be a priest or a religious sister; in fact, Youth Ministers are some of the best sources of guidence to teenagers with questions of faith, because they are specially trained and educated for the vocation of working with teenagers.

In the end, whatever their children decide, most parents are just happy that their children have decided on some kind of faith and belief in a guiding higher power. Just remember that like perfume, faith itself is a gift - one that many would say is far more precious than gold. Like an heirloom, it is passed from generation to generation. Understanding this is the key to understanding your parents viewpoint on the subject, and why your religious education is so important to them. Good luck to you on your spiritual journey. Please write to me again in the spring to let me know what you decide!

--Tazi-Kat