Teens Ask For Dating Advice From Tazi-Kat

Dear Tazi:

My friends and I are having what we would call a "debate" and our Social Studies teacher would call a "discussion" because we have no researched fact on the subject. Whatever! He makes things so awkward sometimes! Anyway, our "debate" is about boys and relationships and since we love your column we hoped you would answer the question for us: Do you think it is better to date lots of boys but have short-term relationships or date only one or a few boys and have long-term relationships.

My friend Amanda thinks it is best to date lots of boys so you can discover what you like and don't like, and to learn how boys think. My friend Jennifer thinks that you should hold out for the one special boy that you like and have a long-term relationship with him. I think if a boy asks you on a date you should give him a chance because you might learn that you like him after you spend some time with him, but Amanda and Jennifer both say no - that if you are going to accept a date with a boy you should like him first. We have all just started our first year of middle school, and are expecting boys to start asking us on dates soon so we really need to know the answer. Thanks, Tazi! You're the ace boon kitty!

Sincerely,
Courtney

Dear Courtney:

I am also a bit confused...what's an ace boon? I am just a little kitty who (almost) never leaves the backyard. Your words sound like a compliment, so I will take them that way! (Readers, if anyone can translate teen-speak for me that would be awesome!).

Since you and your friends are expecting boys to start asking you on dates next school year, I suppose it's time Tazi had the talk with you about dating; I am so glad you brought it up, so here it is:

1) There is nothing wrong with being in a long-term relationship, but you are far too young to be in a serious (physical or emotional) relationship, which is what long-term relationships generally become. Your bodies and your minds are still developing, which can be overwhelming enough as it is. Add in the emotional roller-coaster that a relationship can be and you will definitely be distracted from more important things - like your schoolwork, your family, and your friends. Keep things light! Sixteen and pregnant is not as cool as it looks on MTV.


Photo courtesy of I'm Not Right In the Head.com

2) Unless you want to develop a reputation for being easy (even if you aren't) dating several boys over a short-period of time is never a good idea. It generally leads to hurt feelings and arguments among the people who take sides when the break-up occurs. Who needs that kind of drama? You can discover how boys think and what you like or don't like in a boy by being friends with them, so I suggest that you all get to know the boys you plan on dating through mutual friends and group events - like a school dance, a movie night, or sporting event - where there is a pretty equal mix of boys and girls.

3) Accepting a date with someone you do not know well is a bad, bad, bad idea! This goes for boys as well as girls. People are not always as nice as they seem. Plus, a date with someone you do not know well can make for a very "awkward" time. If you absolutely, positively MUST give the person a chance I suggest you go to a crowded place or a group event, or better yet eat lunch with him in the school cafeteria. Never be alone with someone you do not know - this is good advice for anyone who dates, regardless of their age!

So...who wins your "debate"? I would call it a draw. You all have good intentions towards dating, and when the time comes you will discover just where and how to adjust these ideas to reach your personal comfort zone until the time comes - many moons from now - that you are ready to settle down with that special someone.

Snuggles to all,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Aunt Wants Motherhood, Baby Of Her Own - Not Teen Niece And Her Problem Pregnancy

Dear Tazi,

I have been trying to get pregnant for several months now without much luck. I had an abortion as a teenager, and I am afraid that it may have left scar tissue in my uterus. My gynecologist reassures me that this is not the case – that the amount of scar tissue is no more than one would expect from any D and C, be it post-abortion or post-birthing, and that I should not blame myself.

My older sister’s daughter “Regina” is now a teenager herself, and is pregnant. My sister is bemoaning this fact, like a baby is a curse and not a blessing. She is hassling Regina into having an abortion, but Regina is refusing. My sister has threatened to kick Regina out of the house, and Regina has asked if she can come and live with me and my husband, since we have an extra room. She has no idea that the “extra room” is the one we were hoping to turn into a nursery for our own child…someday.

I want to do the right thing and be there for my niece; I don’t want her to face future fertility problems from a teenage abortion, but I am not sure I would be able to stand having a baby other than my own living in my house. Not right now…it would be too painful. My husband says he understands my feelings, and he will leave the final decision up to me, but he thinks having my niece live with us would be good for me. He believes that mothering Regina will fill the void I am experiencing and relieve some of the stress I am putting on myself. Regina is awaiting my answer and I don’t know what to tell her!

Signed,

Hoping To Expect

Dear Hoping To Expect:

Letters involving infertility always break my heart; to want a baby and not be able to have one is one of life’s greatest miseries. As I am sure your gynecologist has told you, a couple is not considered to be infertile unless they have been trying consistently to conceive for at least twelve months; that these things can take time sometimes and that stressing over a lack of conception can actually lower the chances of conceiving.

You do not say how old Regina is; just that she is a teenager. If she is under the age of 18 your sister may not have the legal right to kick her out of the house and could be charged with child abandonment. Regardless of the legalities, morally your sister is in the wrong.

Since you are unsure of how you would feel having Regina and her baby living with you, I suggest that you try having her stay with you for a weekend. During that time you can welcome her into your home and lay down the ground rules that would exist if she is to live with you full-time. The House Rules could be a combination of things that are for the good of the home as well as for Regina’s future. I suggest Rule #1 be that she stay in school and graduate high school, followed closely by Rule #2 – no alcohol and no drugs. A baby needs a healthy, educated Mommy if s/he is going to have a chance in life.

You may discover that having Regina around actually increases your stress levels, at which point you need to be honest with her and tell her that you are trying to conceive without much luck, and having a pregnant woman around the house is doing a number on you emotionally. Offer to help her reconcile the differences she is having with her mother and/or to help her find a place to stay. There are a lot of organizations, both religious and secular, that cater to the needs of pregnant teens, including Problem Pregnancy which has offices in New England, and may be able to direct you to offices in your area - wherever that is.

You may also discover that caring for Regina is the outlet you need for your motherly yearnings and that your stress levels decrease when you are with her and preparing for the arrival of her baby. Although I cannot say that you will conceive if you do this, reducing one’s stress levels can help make that happen.

I wish you all the luck in the world! Please write back to let me know how things turn out for all!

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Stolen Credit Card Creates Problems For All Involved

Dear Tazi:

I have an emergency and I need some good, solid advice. My fifteen year old son recently got his sixteen year old girlfriend pregnant. Neither is in the position to support a baby, and I am a single mother working two jobs myself. I told "Kyle" that I would support him and "Latisha" any way that I could, but he took my word a little too far.

Kyle stole my credit card to buy Latisha a diamond engagement ring. He charged $5,000 to my account to buy her a ring bigger than my ex-husband gave me! When I saw the charge, I completely flipped out on Kyle, and asked how he could do such a thing to me. He completely turned things around and accused me of going back on my word, saying that I had no intention of helping him and Latisha. Tazi, that is simply not true, but what I meant was assisting with babysitting, feedings, and diaper duty, not luxury purchases.

Kyle tried to return the ring, but the return period was over by the time I discovered the charge. I explained to the jewelry store what happened but they said that I would need to file a complaint with my credit card company. I did just that, but the jewelry store fought the claim, saying that I knew who charged the ring and had not pressed charges against the perpetrator, so therefore I must be okay with the purchase. Unfortunately, they have Kyle and me recorded on their security footage, with me holding the ring in hand as I tried to return it.

My credit card company has told me that I will be liable for the purchase unless I choose to press charges. Press charges against my own son! Can you imagine? I am unfortunately in a very difficult spot. The cost of paying for the ring is more than Kyle will be able to afford with a baby on the way, and there is no way I will be able to cover the increased monthly payment on my credit card. I am holding onto the ring while I try to sell it, but so far I have had no buyers and Kyle is angry at me for "taking Latisha's ring". I am...

Between A Rock And A Hard Place

Dear Between A Rock And A Hard Place:

Has your son expressed the least bit of remorse for his crime? I use the word "crime" because he has committed a felony - grand larceny, to be exact. I will give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he committed such a heinous error in a state of panic over the impending birth of his baby, and purchased the ring with the best of intentions - to ask his girlfriend to marry him. This does not excuse his behavior, or his response to you upon being caught.

Kyle needs to learn that there are consequences for his decisions. As he will soon discover, having unprotected sex can and does lead to pregnancy. If there was not a baby to think of, I would advise pressing charges against your son, who would be charged as a juvenile. He would be sent to a training school until the age of 18, and during his incarceration he would remain in school and work towards receiving his high school diploma. The debt would be erased from your credit account and the diamond ring would be returned to the jeweler who carelessly did not check for identification before allowing the diamond ring to be charged to your credit card!

You're welcome!

Because there is a baby involved, the training school is not the best place for your son at this time. Therefore, I would only advise pressing charges as a dead-last resort. I suggest you contact your local chapter of the American Bar Association. They will be able to put you in touch with attorneys who assist people who are in need but have low or no income. If you explain your situation, I am certain that they will be able to fight on your behalf to come up with a reasonable solution for all involved. As I already pointed out, the jeweler did not ask for any form of identification to confirm the signature or check the name on the credit card; your credit card company did not flag the purchase as suspicious and allowed it to go through unquestioned. By ignoring these standard protocols, disaster was allowed to occur. People tend to reply differently to complaints when contacted by an attorney. I suggest you waste no time in contacting one.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Teenage Girl Hopes To Ensnare Boyfriend With An "Accidental" Pregnancy

Dear Tazi:

I am a junior in high school and my boyfriend is a senior. We have been dating for almost a year and I love him very, very much. He will graduate in June, and is planning on going to college. His first choice is Notre Dame, and judging from his grades, activities, and recommendations it looks like he is going to get in. We live on the West Coast, so Notre Dame is a few thousand miles away. “Bobby” has said that we could remain a couple and have a long-distance relationship for a year, and then I can either join him at another school in Indiana (I don’t have the grades for Notre Dame) or that we can continue to try working things out long-distance. I don’t like the sound of this, and neither do any of my friends. They all think that Bobby will probably break up with me or cheat on me after he moves away.

I am thinking of “accidentally” getting pregnant so Bobby won’t leave. If he and I have a baby, I just know that he will stick around, and maybe even ask me to marry him after we are both done with school. I haven’t told anyone about my plan, because I am afraid that someone might tell Bobby that my pregnancy wasn’t so accidental and he will be angry with me. I have gone over every angle of my plan, and cannot find any flaws in it, except that Bobby and I have not had sex yet because I wanted to wait until we were together for at least a year and that anniversary will soon be here. I cannot imagine he will say no when I offer him my virginity.

My one concern with my plan will be how to juggle my senior year of high school and a newborn baby. School is tough enough as it is without having to take care of a baby on top of it, but if I don’t go through with my plan I might lose Bobby altogether. I thought of waiting until the summer to get pregnant, so I won’t deliver until the end of the school year, but by that point Bobby will have committed to going to Notre Dame and would be out a large deposit that could otherwise go towards expenses for the baby. I guess it is like they say, there is no perfect time to have a baby. When do you think I should plan my pregnancy for, Tazi?

Signed,

Hopefully Expecting Soon

Dear Hopefully Expecting Soon:

I think the best time for you to get pregnant will be after you have finished high school, landed a job that pays well enough to support yourself and a baby, and can be honest with your boyfriend about your intentions. Until then, no…just no. You may think that you have looked ahead by attempting to plan when to get pregnant, but you have not looked ahead long enough; try looking 18 – 22 years into the future, because this is how long it will take for you to raise a properly educated, morally responsible, contributing member of society. Are you willing to try and go to school and raise a child - quite possibly on your own - during this time? If not, are you willing to put college or vocational training on hold for that long? Is Bobby?

Your decision to wait to have sex has been a mature one, up until now. You fear that your boyfriend may leave you over the stress of carrying on a long-distance relationship is a valid one, and I am sure that he has the same fear – that you will leave him for another guy. Having his baby may ensure that he stays with you on the West coast – and gives up his dream of attending the University of Notre Dame and the bright future that goes along with it – however, nothing in life is guaranteed.

When you are ready to enter into a sexual relationship, you should also be ready to embrace any consequences that may result from it. I do not only mean pregnancy and STD’s, but the oft overlooked emotional changes that occur. These changes are different for everyone, and can run the gamut from clinginess to regret. You already strike me as clingy to a fault with your plan to deceive your boyfriend; will you lie to him and tell him you are on birth control if he suggests that he uses a condom? Take a pin to his stash if he insists on using one anyway?

Sometimes, we need to ask ourselves,
"What would Touchdown Jesus do?"

I suggest that rather than talking to your friends you talk to your boyfriend, and tell him plainly that you fear losing him if your relationship goes long distance. Some couples are able to survive the stress of a long-distance romance; these people generally have a few major traits in common: they have lives independent of their partners, and they trust their partners not to cheat. Many couples are unable to handle a long-distance relationship because they drift apart when their partner is not a part of their day to day life.

You and Bobby are both very young, and have a lot of growing up and exploring to do before you settle down and have children. You do not know what the future holds, or even if you will be spending it together. Please rethink your plan to become a single, teenage mother. Any guidance counselor can tell you that being 16 and Pregnant is not as cool as it looks on TV; I suggest that you talk with yours ASAP.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Click the link to order! You know you want one! 
Other teams also available

Pregnant Teen Has Regrets; Will Her Baby Be One Of Them?

Dear Tazi:

How I wish I could pick you up and give you a big snuggle and make everything right in my world again. I have a big problem, one I am not so certain that even a cat could solve. I am 15 years old and pregnant, and I do not know how to tell my parents or if they would even believe me when I tell them how it happened.

A few months ago my best friend and I got dressed up, put on make-up, and made ourselves look older in order to sneak into a frat party at one of the local colleges. We did it on a dare and because it felt sooooooo cool to be drinking with college students and to be escaping from my parents firm rule. They are fundamentalist Christians, and have tries to raise me to live by the same rules, but I hate it. Now I feel like I am being punished for breaking the rules.

I take full responsibility for going to the party, Tazi, but I did not have sex on purpose. I can't remember how much I had to drink, only that I got really dizzy after my last one and may have blacked out or passed out - I can't remember! I know I would not willingly have sex with a stranger, so I am thinking maybe someone at the party slipped something into one of my drinks - but I can't be 100% certain! My best friend wasn't with me at the time; all she remembers is seeing me sitting on a couch looking "out of it" and then finding me at the end of the night with my clothes pulled off.

Obviously, I am far too young to be a responsible Mom, but there is no way I could have an abortion, either, even if I believed in it. Sooner or later I am going to have to tell my parents - I just can't imagine how! I just wish this was all a bad dream.

Signed,
Growing Problem

Dear Growing Problem:

You have my deepest sympathies for your plight. Your situation is a difficult one all around, and the sooner you work on setting things straight the sooner your life will start to make more sense. The first thing you need to do is tell your parents everything you have told me here - you can even print out this letter and tell them it is from you, if that is easier for you. The second thing you must do is report your sexual assault to your local authorities.

Normally, a few months after a sexual assault occurs is a few months late to collect evidence; however, your assailant left undeniable evidence that now grows inside of you. Regardless of whether the sex was consensual or not, at fifteen you are considered to be too young to give consent, so your assailant is guilty of statutory rape at the very least. If you provide the police with the time, date, and location of the party they may be able to track down the man who has fathered your child. Fraternities - especially those that are chapters of a national organization - have a reputation to protect, and will generally cooperate in exchange for keeping the house name of their organization out of the negative spotlight that is about to be shone upon it.

Your parents will be understandably upset, to put things mildly. As fundamentalist Christians, though, it is their avowed duty to practice the love that they preach. This means forgiving you of your sins (going behind their backs to a party qualifies as a sin) and offering you the emotional support you need to work through this difficult time. This child you carry is their grandchild, so they have a duel emotional stake in what is happening.

Since termination of your pregnancy is out of the question, this leaves you with two choices: putting the child up for adoption or raising the child yourself. There are several non-profit resources out there that would be willing to offer you assistance as you attempt to find the right path for you to follow. I would suggest that you start with the church that you and your family attend.

I realize this is a scary situation for you to be going through, but I want you to take a deep breath and think for a moment how your decision will affect you down the road. Can you picture your life ten years from now? Do you see raising your child as a daily part of it? Or do you see yourself content with the decision to offer him/her to a loving couple who are seeking to start a family? In the end, the final decision is yours to make; but I do hope that your family will be supportive of whatever you decide.

Extra snuggles and a purr,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.