Thin Wife "Too Heavy" For Waif-Loving Husband

Dear Tazi:

I am the type of man who is attracted to extremely thin women. When my wife and I were married 7 years ago, she was a size 00 and I was never more attracted to her! Now, two pregnancies later she is a size 3 – creeping up on a size 5 – and my attraction for her is waning.

I realize that a size 5 is not heavy, and that many women dream of being a size 5, but for me it is just a little too much meat on the bones. My wife is 5-feet, 2-inches so she is still quite petite, but she no longer has the emaciated look that I fell in love with. I realize that having children has changed her body a bit, but I think with a little effort she could get back into a size 0 once more.

I have gained my fair share of weight over the years, so I feel like a bit of a hypocrite asking my wife to lose weight but she tells me that she likes my “extra padding” and that as long as I remain physically healthy she sees nothing wrong with it. A part of me wants to believe her, but the larger part of me thinks she is just trying to fool me into letting her stay at her current weight.

I suppose you are going to paw slap me for this, Tazi, and I suppose I deserve it, but I would like to ask my wife to go on a diet or to even consider plastic surgery to lose the excess weight. At a size 3 (and growing) I am no longer sexually attracted to her and it is taking a toll on our marriage. Do you think it would be okay to ask my wife to do this – for the sake of our marriage, and our children’s well-being? If my marriage falls apart, I fear my children will suffer in a broken home, so in the end this is really about the children, not me.

Signed,

Waif-er

Dear Waif-er:

I would love to offer you s Paw Slap of Disgust, but since you realize that your request is worthy of one, yet you still cannot get over your disgust, I believe that you are suffering from an obsessive fetish, which will require counseling – not a Paw Slap – to overcome.

At 5’2” and a size 3, your wife is very petite. If he bone structure is also petite, then he weight is fine as it is; she is possibly even a little bit underweight, a problem that can cause serious health issues. She should not even be considering weight loss, let along plastic surgery to remove what you call extra weight and what the medical community sees as important body tissue.

You try to make your desires to be about your children, but in the end they are not; they are still all about you, regardless of how you twist them. You are right that children need a loving home, so I suggest that you take steps towards providing one. If possible, why don’t you and your wife join a gym? Exercise is a wonderful way to stay healthy and live a long and energetic life. You may lose the extra padding that you have put on and your wife will be able to add lean muscle mass to her petite frame, as well as short-circuit the chance for osteoporosis that people of petite bone structure often suffer later in life. Exercise while young is a great preventative for bone degeneration when old. A side affect will be a healthier sense of self-esteem, due to all those endorphins that are released during exercise.

I strongly suggest that you see a counselor to deal with your lack of attraction to your already slim wife. I am not entirely certain that her body size is what has killed your attraction to her, since sexual attraction is mental as well as physical. Seeing her as a mother instead of your wife could be a part of your issue, as could a sense of anger that the attention that once belonged solely to you is being split between your children. Your attempts to control your wife’s physical appearance may be seated in a deep rooted desire to control her.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Sexless Marriage Needs A Dose Of Courage

Dear Tazi:

My husband and I are a very wimpy couple. There, I said it. Neither of us has any backbone, and we are two of the least aggressive people on the planet. As children, we were both bullied which is how we met - in a "safe zone" at our college, where people met for group counseling sessions.

"Kermit" and I were dating several months before he worked up the nerve to ask for any kind of physical intimacy, and I was raised that good girls do not ask for sex so we were both very inexperienced when we got married. We have been together for five years now (two dating, three married) and Kermit is still reluctant to put the moves on me! I love my husband, and would like a more satisfying sex life, but how can I tell him this? Even if I could work up the courage to initiate sex, I am afraid that Kermit will reject me or see me as too aggressive.

I have considered talking to a counselor, but I think that would be a betrayal of Kermit's trust; what happens (or doesn't happen) in the marital bed should stay there. In fact, I even feel a little guilty writing to you about this matter, Tazi. I would like to start a family with Kermit, but how can that happen if he is afraid to come near me? Is this normal for someone who is shy and has been bullied? It doesn't feel normal.

Signed,
Lonely

Dear Lonely:

Who is to say what is normal and what is not normal? The people involved in the marriage, that's who! If you feel that your husband's fear of initiating sex is abnormal, than that is an issue that needs to be corrected. While you may have been taught that "good girls" don't initiate sex, the fact of the matter is that women - just like men - have natural urges, and it is perfectly acceptable for you to ask your husband to fulfill them.

I cannot understand why he would pull away from you. Has he expressed an aversion to sex in any way? This could be a sign of a deeper issue. Is there any possibility that Kermit was sexually abused as a child, in addition to being bullied? It appears that there are deeper issues that both of you must address if your marriage is to reach the healthy level you seek.

Since you and Kermit met in a "safe zone" I know you are not adverse to talking with a counselor. Speaking with a professional, licensed therapist is not a betrayal of marital trust; it is not like you are gossiping with the neighbors, but seeking the assistance of a trained professional. If you are not comfortable asking your husband to go to a marriage counselor with you, go alone until you feel comfortable asking him to join you. You need to think of the counselor's office as a "safe zone", and treat it accordingly; when you feel safe enough, ask Kermit to come to your sessions with you. A marriage cannot work when only one person is trying.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

A Date To A Dance Is Not Worth This Price Of Admission

Dear Tazi:

I am fifteen and attend a small junior-senior high school. My sister is twelve, and just started the seventh grade this past September. Because there is not a whole lot to do in my town, the school hosts a lot of events - sports games and dances are the biggest events, with quarterly semi-formals being the biggest draw to us students.

Every year, the seventh grade girls try to get a date with a ninth or tenth grade boy for the Christmas or Valentine's Day dance (the eleventh and twelfth grade boys generally ignore them). They think it is a sign of maturity and popularity that they are "going" with an older boy; that they are so hot that all the guys find them irresistible.

Now that I am in tenth grade, a lot of my sister's friends have started offering me promises if I take them to one of the big dances. Tazi, I am so not interested in girls that young, or girls that are d.t.f.. I have been letting them down gently since October. [Ed. Note: A check of UrbanDictionary.com revealed that d.t.f. is an extremely vulgar abbreviation. Since no polite synonym could be found, the term is used here, but out of protest for such language, no link to the term is provided].

I just found out that my little sister thinks the reason no boy asked her to the Christmas dance is because she isn't a hands-on type of girl, if you know what I mean. I also found out from one of my friends that she offered him "whatever he wants" in return for taking her to the Valentine's Day dance. My buddy told her he would take her if she promised to cut the attitude and show some self-respect, that he wouldn't want to be seen with a skank.

The good thing is that my sister has a date for the upcoming dance with a guy I trust to treat her like a lady, but my problem is what to do about the offer she made to him. I do not know if my friend was the first guy she approached or one of several. I would like to pull my big brother status on her and lecture her about how to behave, but I am afraid that might send her in the opposite direction. Should I tell my parents what I heard and let them decide what to do with her? I don't want to see my sister develop a reputation.

Signed,
Big Bro

Dear Big Bro:

("") ("") Two paws way up for your friend! with the exception of his choice of vocabulary, he showed a great deal of class in how he dealt with your sister and in following through on his word to take her to this dance. Hopefully, when your sister sees how a gentleman treats a lady she will now want to act like a lady.

America's Most FAMOUS Skank!

I can understand your desire to come down on your little sister for her very sad, twisted take on why she was not asked to the Christmas dance, but rather than try to discipline her I think you should try to talk to her about why she thinks her personal morals are the reason nobody asked her. It could be that she was concentrating so hard on getting a date with an older boy that she ignored the boys in her own age group. Explain to her what your friend already has: that a respectable boy is not the type to accept sexual favors from young girls, that respectable boys are attracted to the type of girl who respects herself and her body.

I think if you go to your parents with this issue your sister will not be seeing the lights of the dance floor - or any other social setting - for a very long time, so I suggest you give her a pass until after the Valentine's Day dance is over and see if her behavior was a one-time lapse of reason, which I think it may have been; no harm, no foul. If, on the other hand, your sister continues to offer her body in return for what she thinks is popularity and love you absolutely must tell your parents so they can deal with it on a more appropriate level.  Your sister is lucky to have a caring brother like you! Paws up to you, too!  ("") ("")

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Man Discovers Court Of Public Opinion Much Harsher Than Divorce Court

Dear Tazi:

I am recently divorced, and by recently I mean the ink is barely dry on the decree. Although the divorce court gave me a fair settlement, I still feel cheated because that is the only place I got treated fairly.

I left my wife of seven years because she had absolutely no interest in sex.  I thought she might have been frigid, but when I encouraged her to go to a doctor she refused, telling me that I was the one with the problem; that she had no problem with the lack of sexual intimacy in our marriage.

When I finally left the marriage, nobody could believe I would leave as wonderful a woman as "Maria".  Maria is a wonderful woman, Tazi.  She is kind, compassionate, educated, hard-working, humorous, faithful, and a joy to spend time with outside the bedroom.  Her lack of interest in sex is really what killed our marriage.  I felt like I was living with a friend and not a wife.  I was not about to reveal such personal details to our friends and community, so when people asked me what went wrong I simply replied that our lives had reached divergent paths and we were each going to go our own way.  People figured that I was at fault for the divorce, but I kept my mouth shut and let them think what they wanted.  I thought that this was what Marie deserved, but I have since changed my mind!

While visiting a bar last week, I overheard a man talking to his friend about the woman he had started seeing a few months before.  I smiled when he said he was thinking of introducing her to his friends, remembering how it was like when I had first started dating Marie.  The man went on to describe the pleasures of his relationship and even mentioned how the sex was "mind blowing".  I continued to listen in because, at this point I was interested in learning what would be said next, when I discovered that the girlfriend in question was my ex-wife!  At first I thought there was no way, but the details he shared with his friend about what she looked like, where she lived and - the coup de gras - her amazing chocolate chip cookies, I knew he could not be talking about anyone else.

I left the bar immediately and went back to my old home, where Marie is still living while we try to sell the house.  When confronted, she made no secret that she had started seeing someone, had indeed baked cookies for him - and done a lot more than that in the bedroom!  When I called her out for holding out on me, she responded that she had not been holding out on me; she simply had no desire for me.

After hearing this, I decided that the gloves were off and sent a mass email to all of my friends and family, telling them exactly why my marriage ended - that Marie was frigid and refused medical help and that I could take it no longer.  The next day I was inundated with responses, via email, telephone, and even in person with people telling me how wrong I was to send such an email. My sister even called me a "classless toad" and told me that I could forget coming over for Christmas if I did not apologize to Marie for my behavior.  My best friend told me his wife said to relay the same message if I asked about spending the holidays with them.

Tazi, I think I am the one who is owed an apology here!  I am the one who stayed in a sexless marriage for seven years in an attempt to make it work, and now that it is over some other guy is getting what should have been mine!  Where's the compassion for my side of the story?  Why is everyone rallying around Marie?

Signed,
Not a Classless Toad

Dear Not a Classless Toad:

Maybe you are a classless toad, and maybe you are not; however, the behavior you have recently exhibited is that of a classless toad. You not only eavesdropped on a private conversation; you publicly denounced your ex-wife as "frigid" (which is a medical condition, and obviously one she does not suffer), both through your email and again in your letter to me.  People often ask me why I use pseudonyms in my column; your letter is a perfect example of why!

I am sorry that your marriage ended so badly.  Has it occurred to you that there might be a reason other than frigidity that your wife refused you in the bedroom?  You describe her as "a wonderful woman" and "a joy to spend time with outside the bedroom".  Did you treat her like a wonderful woman who was a joy to be around when you were outside of the bedroom?  Or was the only time you took any notice of her after lights out?  Did you ever help her out around the house, compliment a tasty meal, take her out for a night on the town, or simply tell her how much she meant to you?  Or did you ignore her until bedtime and then expect her to be hot to trot for you?

You mention nothing of your own behavior in your letter, nothing of your own attempts to woo your wife, so I cannot be certain why she refused you so often.  Only you can answer that question; all I can give you is food for thought.  As for who owes who an apology, it is you who owe Marie one for publicly tearing her down.  The time to talk about her sex life - or lack thereof - was while you were still married, not now that she is a free woman.

Perfunctory Snuggles (but only because it's Christmastime),
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Unplanned Pregnancy Puts Man In A Bind

Dear Tazi:

Several months ago, I met a woman online (I'll call her "Cindy") and we hit it off really well; so we decided to meet in person. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex on our first date. Since I could never have a relationship with a woman of such loose morals, I chose not to see her again. (I realize this sounds like a double standard, but she initiated it). Shortly after this incident, Cindy called me to tell me that she was pregnant and that it was mine. I obviously have no proof of this, and for all I know she could have slept with a dozen guys that week; but Cindy insists I was the one, so I accepted her at her word and let her know that I support a woman's right to choose; which everyone knows is a euphemism meaning I would be willing to pay for half of the cost of an abortion. At least, I thought that's what everyone knew.

Upon hearing that I supported her right to choose Cindy told me she needed some time to think about what she wanted to do, and a few weeks later she called me back and told me that she had decided to keep the baby. When I told her that I did not want to have a child with her and demanded that she take care of the problem, she told me she was "exercising her right to choose". We argued, and I hung up on her and had my phone number changed. This week, I received a letter from an attorney demanding child support for the baby that I made very clear I did not want. Somehow, using whatever tactics these slime-ball lawyers use, the man found my home address and my employer information and is threatening to have my wages garnished if I do not agree to some sort of child support agreement.

Tazi, is this even legal? The man obviously invaded my personal privacy to track me down, and is now attempting to force me to agree to pay 25% of my (net) income "to avoid the inconvenience of going to court" and "the embarrassment of garnished wages". I am tempted to let this slut take me to court just so I can tell the judge my side of the story, but my friends have advised otherwise, saying that a court judgement could end up costing me an even larger percentage of my paycheck. What do you think I should do?

Signed,
Stuck With The Wrong Choice

Dear Stuck With The Wrong Choice:

Is the "wrong choice' to which you refer the choice you made to engage in unprotected sexual intercourse with a woman you barely knew? Or was the wrong choice the decision you made to blow off the mother of your child, hoping that she would just go away and forget the baby that you and she created together?

Whether or not you wanted to pursue a relationship with Cindy or have a child with her was a decision that was removed from your hands the moment you removed something else from your pants. Nobody expects a one-night-stand to have such long-term consequences, but the possibility is there. You played a game of sexual Russian roulette and lost - now, you have to man up and accept the consequences of your actions.

My bigger concern is your belief that a woman's "right to choose" is a euphemism for offering to pay for half of the cost for an abortion. If that is the case, a woman's body and reproductive rights are still not her own, but something to be controlled by a man, which is a chilling thought. Cindy chose to keep the baby, knowing that her life would change - in some ways for the better, in others for the worse. Whether or not you choose to involve yourself in the life of your child is your business; but the responsibility of providing fair financial support is not a choice - it is a legal obligation, and an offer of 25% of your net income is a very generous offer, indeed. If I were you, I would jump at this opportunity because from the tone of your letter I find it difficult to believe that a judge would be sympathetic to your "side of the story". I would first demand a paternity test - but then, I am sure that you have already done that.

As an aside, you should also know that in this day and age, Cindy's attorney would not have to "invade" your privacy to find out your personal information - a visit to your Facebook page could tell him all he needed to know; a search on MyLife.com would give him even more information; and a copy of your IP address (which would have been stored in Cindy's computer under her Internet history) would also provide the personal information he needed to find you.

-- Tazi

(No snuggles for you!).

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

How Soon Is "Too Soon" To Be Physically Intimate?

Dear Tazi:

Try as I might, I can’t seem to meet a nice guy who wants a commitment. I am in my twenties, and am ready to settle down with one person, hopefully getting married and have kids by the time I am thirty, so as you can see I cannot afford to waste any time.

I have tried various ways to meet people, from bars and clubs to online dating sites, but it seems like the guys I meet are only window shopping and looking for free samples, if you get my meaning. It has reached the point that I have started holding out to the second or even third date before having sex, but the guys still don’t stick around. I am starting to think that it is me, like maybe I am bad in bed or too clingy after sex.

My friends have all told me that I am expecting way too much far too early. Call me old-fashioned, but I think that once two people have sex they are considered to be a couple. The men I have seen have all been the first to initiate sex, so it is not like I am offering it up with no expectations of a future relationship. I think calling them the next day if they don’t call me is not inappropriate, but my friends all tell me my “clinginess” is what is chasing men away. Who would you say is right, me or my friends?

Signed,

Feeling Used

Dear Feeling Used:

While there is no set timetable as to when carnal relations should commence, not everyone feels as you do that having sex with someone – for the first time or the hundredth time – makes them your significant other. Sometimes, like it or not, you are seen as a casual encounter.

Since you are unable to separate sex from commitment, I would advise that you hold off on the heavy physical involvement until you are certain where things stand with the next man you start seeing. Take your time to get to know each other on a less (physically) intimate level and work at getting to know each other and whether or not you are compatible as a couple. I do not know if you are sending out signals that you want to have sex, but should a man try to initiate it there are polite ways to disentangle yourself and explain that you would prefer to wait until you know each other a little better.

If holding out sexually is not to your preference, you will have to do as your friends suggest and ease up on the “clinginess”, as well as expect fewer callbacks for dates. Some men are, as you suggest, looking for “free samples” and once the challenge of attaining it is over so is any connection between the two of you. As a (neutered) tomcat, I can tell you that few men will turn down sex when they think there are no strings attached!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Indiscriminate Woman Discovers The Hard Way That Easy Sex Is Not The Path To Marriage

Dear Tazi:

My friends staged an intervention for me this past weekend, to point out that my behavior has gotten out of control. I don't drink or do drugs or party too much but, long story short, I tend to fall into bed with guys far too quickly and far too often than is healthy.

I am in my late twenties, and all I have ever wanted is to meet a nice guy, settle down, and get married and start a family. My friends pointed out that the way I am going about it is not working. At first I was very angry with my friends, until my best friend pointed out that in 10 years I have slept with - by her count - 100 men. I am embarrassed to admit, her count is a bit low because I have not told her about every guy I have slept with; just the ones I really, really liked.

Most of the guys I have been intimate with seemed like great guys, but they only stuck around for a one or two night stand. I used to think I was getting too clingy, too fast and that is why they ran; so I stopped trying to push them into a relationship, but that doesn't seem to be working, either. How can I meet a nice guy that doesn't seem to want only one thing?

Signed,
Crossed Legs

Dear Crossed Legs:

You can meet a nice guy who doesn't seem to want only one thing by not acting like a woman who has only one thing to give. I realize this statement sounds harsh; but by my math you have slept with - on average - a new man every month for the past ten years. That is not the behavior of a woman seeking to settle down with one man, but the behavior of a woman who is advertising that she is open for business.

You say you are looking for a long-term relationship that could lead to marriage and family, so your first step is to start behaving like a woman who wants to settle down with one man. I am not promoting a sexual double standard, but I am pointing out that there are the type of women men date and then there are the type of women men marry - and 100% of my male sources tell me that they can't see themselves getting serious with a woman who has sex on a first date. (When I pointed out that they, too, must be having sex on a first date they countered by saying it was "recreational sex", not "relationship sex". Apparently, there is a difference).

I find it hard to believe that over the last ten years you have met 100 men who you "really, really like" enough to consider marriage material. I suggest that the next time you meet a man who interests you that much, get to know him before jumping into a physical relationship. You may discover that he is not the type of man you would be interested in for the long haul, and pass on seeing him further; or you may discover that you have a great deal in common. It has often been said that sex and love are like peanut butter and jelly - great by themselves, but there is something about each that complements the other.

On a closing note, I want you to know that your past is behind you; don't dwell on it but do learn from it. Change the behaviors that are not taking you on a path to your goals and set yourself on a new way in your journey to marriage and children.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. How the heck does your best friend remember how many men you have bedded? Does she keep a scorecard? Or does she have total recall of everything?

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Sexless Marriage Could Be Due To Physical Dysfunction

Dear Tazi:

My husband, “Philip” frequently has friends over to watch sporting events at our house (we have a wonderful game room for such occasions).  As the Lady of the House I enjoy providing snacks and beverages, both non-alcoholic as well as alcoholic, for these events; ergo I often hear snippets of conversation as I come and go from the game room.  My husband’s friends can frequently be heard complaining about how their wives never want to have sex with them, and to my shock and dismay, Philip joins in with his own complaints!  Tazi, the lack of sex in my marriage is not my fault!  It is my husband who never wants to be intimate!

Over the years I have tried to persuade Philip to be more affectionate.  I have tried perfumes and sexy lingerie, silky nightgowns, even coming to bed wearing nothing but a pair of pasties and a g-string!  Nothing I do puts my husband in the mood, and when I ask him what is wrong he simply replies, “Nothing; I am just tired after a long day at work”.  

Philip and I have been married for ten years.  In the early years, affection was sporadic and short-lived; after our fifth anniversary it became non-existent.  I have no desire for any man but my husband, but I do have a desire for sexual intimacy, Tazi!  Do you have any ideas to help me light the flame of my husband’s affections once more?  We are only in our thirties!  I do not want to imagine spending the rest of my life like this!

Signed,

Married But Lonely

Dear Married But Lonely:

I cannot be certain, but from what you write it sounds like your husband suffers from a sexual dysfunction.  It is not that he does not desire sex, but that he is unable to last long enough to fulfill your needs; consequently sex makes him feel like he has somehow failed you and failed as a man, therefore the cure to the problem is to simply avoid sex altogether.  

You need to have a frank talk with Philip – about what you have overheard and how much it hurt you, as well as your persona desires for more intimacy.  You need to encourage Philip to see a certified urologist to seek help for his problem, because this is not normal behavior for a healthy young man.  Let Philip know that this issue is affecting more than your feelings; it is affecting your marriage.

As for Philip’s “guy talk” with his buddies, try to ignore it.  I realize that it hurts, but he is just trying to fit in with his friends.  No matter how old we get, the desire to be one of the gang never fades.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Sexless Marriage Can Only Be Endured For So Long

I will cut right to the chase. I am a high ranking police officer and a Deacon in my church. I have spent my life upholding the laws of man and the laws of God, but I now find myself tempted to break the latter.

I have been married for twenty years and during that time my wife and I have only had sex a handful of times. “Joyce” was saving herself for marriage when we met, which was once of the things that attracted me to her. It was not until our honeymoon that she told me she believed sex should be for procreation only, and that she was not ovulating that week. I’ll leave you to figure out the details. As disappointed as I was to find this out, I had just taken my marriage vows! I thought Joyce was just a scared newlywed and that things would change. They did not. Joyce and I have three children, all grown, and let me tell you, Joyce was pretty accurate about when she was ovulating, so it has been a very frustrating twenty years. My youngest child is graduating high school this year, and my plan was to retire from the police force and find myself a cozy bachelor apartment. I was not planning on divorcing Joyce – I intended to honor my wedding vows – I figured we would just live separate lives. That was until I discovered “Veronica”.

Veronica is the new Receptionist at my church office. She and I work closely together because I am often in there on church business. At first I thought she was a nice lady, pleasant enough to be a Receptionist but nothing more. Then I got to know her and found out she is recently divorced and going to school to become a Nurse, working as a Receptionist to pay the bills that the alimony does not. Like me, she was married to someone who felt sex was a sin it was not procreational, only her case is a bit different because she got married in her mid-thirties and found out she was infertile after only two years of being married. For the first time in my life I feel like I have met a woman who understands me, and Veronica and I have become quite close.

Don’t misunderstand me, Tazi, I’ve had my share of women hitting on me; but I have always honored my vows, out of respect for my wife and kids and respect for my God and church. Now things feel different, since I was planning on going solo for my remaining years. Normally, I would talk to my pastor about my problems but this is just a little too cozy for comfort. What do you think I should do?

Signed,
The Captain
Dear Captain:

I think you should have sought marriage counseling several years ago. Since that ship has sailed, I think you need to consider Veronica’s position. She is a Receptionist, a low-ranking position in the church; you are a Deacon, a person of higher rank and respect; as well as a ranking police officer, also a person of power and respect. You have not mentioned if Veronica has expressed interest in you or if you have mentioned your interest in her, but you put her in a difficult position.

If you were to leave your wife to be with Veronica, who do you think is going to bear the brunt of the blame? Tongues will most definitely be wagging, and unless you want to violate your wife’s privacy those tongues are going to be calling Veronica a Jezebel! Furthermore, if Veronica does not have romantic feelings for you she may be hesitant to say anything for fear of losing her job, being harassed in the community by your brothers in blue, or suffering employment discrimination down the road (police and hospitals work closely together).

It does not sound like Veronica has been divorced for very long, and it does sound like she is concentrating on improving her life – starting with her return to school and working for the means to pay for it. Nursing school is extremely demanding and the stresses of a normal relationship can be enough to drive one to distraction, lest the relationship unravel and fail. The relationship you seek to start with Veronica cannot be considered “normal” under the circumstances and would be doomed to difficulty even if she was not in school.

Since you were planning on moving out of your family home and into a “bachelor apartment” before you met Veronica, I suggest you stay that course. Perhaps a separation is what you and your wife both need in order to clear the air between the two of you. Should you decide to remain separated, I would suggest a legal separation over a divorce with consideration for your status in the Church. People rarely take it well when their religious leaders go through a divorce and want to know the details as to why it is happening. Once separated, I think your sex life should be an issue between you and your conscience – I am not going to judge you; but I am not comfortable advising you, either.

If after an appropriate amount of time has passed you still seek to court Veronica, make it abundantly clear to all that it is you who sought her, not the other way around. Whether you realize it or not, you hold much of the power in this situation, and could do a lot of harm to the reputations of both your wife and Veronica if you do not consider things from their point of view.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Average Joe Wonders If His Perfect 10 Is For Real

Dear Tazi:

I can't decide if my girlfriend is with me because she loves me or because I spend a lot of money on her. On the one hand, she never wants to get physical with me; which makes me believe that she is with me for the money, but on the other hand she is devoutly religious - so it could just be her religious views that are keeping our relationship a chaste one. Here are the rest of the facts:

She is an absolute knock-out - tall and leggy, blonde hair, bright green eyes, and an amazing body; I am an average looking guy who is starting to lose his hair.

She is very popular, and loved by everybody; I am the kind of guy that thinks people like having him around, but my friends tell me that my personality can get really annoying and that I need to tone it down a notch.

She works an average job for average pay and hopes to one day be a stay-at-home Mom and a work-from-home professional; I make six-figures, enjoy my career, and could easily afford to have my wife stay at home.

We have only been together for six months, but she is the kind of woman I could see myself spending the rest of my life with - which is why I lavish her with expensive gifts, like jewelry; car repairs; designer clothes; and other goodies. I would like to ask her to marry me, but I can't get past the idea that she is using me for my money and her religion as an excuse to keep me at arms length. I have thought of cutting back on the gifts, but them she might think I am angry with her or worse, losing interest in her. What do you think, Tazi? Could she really love me for me? Or am I just fooling myself?

Signed,
Average Joe

Dear Average Joe:

Before you jump to conclusions, examine the situation at hand. You say your girlfriend (can we give her a name?) is devoutly religious. Does "Lauren" (as I am going to call her) attend services regularly? Volunteer at her church? In essence, does she practice what she preaches - beyond remaining chaste? If the answer is yes, then I would say that she is indeed genuine and with you because she cares about you and can see a future with you. If however the only time she ever comes close to practicing her religious beliefs is when you make a move on her, the answer is probably one you do not want to hear.

There are many ways to express affection for a person without spending gobs of money on them. Cooking a homemade dinner, slipping a love note in her purse, surprising her by washing her car and topping off the gas tank are all free or low cost ways of showing a woman that you love and appreciate her. If there is something that she truly desires - such as a beautiful pair of birthstone earrings or a new dress to wear to church - you can purchase it as a gift for a special occasion. This way, the gift-giving will not be such a one-way street.

If you fear that Lauren will think you are upset with her if you slow down the flow of presents, you need to communicate to her that this is not the case. From the sound of your letter, you suffer from issues of self-worth - sometimes having too much, other times not enough - which could impede your ability to both express yourself and understand what others are telling you. The next time something is on your mind, talk to Lauren about it and honestly listen to how she answers. Sincerity cannot be faked, and you should be able to tell if she is being truthful with you, or simply telling you what you would like to hear. This should give you an idea about her true feelings for you, and tell you in which direction you should head - to the alter, or towards the exit.

Snuggles,
Tazi



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Homeowner Seeks To Curb Inappropriate Nighttime Behaviors

Dear Tazi:

I have an awkward problem that presents no obvious solution. I own my own home, towards the end of a dead end street, and next door to my house is an undersized lot not suitable for building. The owner lost an appeal for a change of zoning to allow him to build and since then has left the land to go fallow. Because of this the already wooded lot has become quite overgrown and unsightly but providing the seclusion the local teens like, if you catch my meaning.

The lot next door has become something of a local "make out" spot as well as a place for other teenage activities. Every Saturday, Sunday, and (sometimes) Monday morning I have to clean up after the visitors from the night before. If I am lucky, it is just empty beer cans and liquor bottles; if I am not lucky, it is used condoms and vomit.

I remember what it was like to be young and looking for a good time, so I am hesitant to call the police to report these activities. On the other hand, I really do not want these activities taking place directly across from my house. I am extremely uncomfortable with the thought of approaching the offenders, but can think of no other way to get them to respect the fact that my neighborhood is a respectful, residential place. Do you have any ideas I can try, Tazi? I am open to all suggestions.

Signed,
Not In My Backyard

Dear Not In My backyard:

This situation is one type of NIMBYism I am comfortable promoting. The fact that these young - and quite possibly not so young - people are leaving copious evidence of their activities is rude, disrespectful, and downright unacceptable. You say that you are uncomfortable with reporting these night-time activities to the police; would you be comfortable reporting them to the land owner? He may be in a tiff because his land is not suitable for building, but he is still responsible for what occurs on his property and if someone is injured while partying on it he may be legally liable.

If reporting the activities taking place on his property does not phase the land owner enough to bring about action on his part, you may want to consider installing motion-detection floodlights on the edge of your property. If you put them facing outward they will turn on when someone trespasses on the property next door, exposing that which prefers the privacy that the dark offers. Once the word gets out that light is being shone on the matter the problem should solve itself.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Sometimes It's Good To Be Single For A While

Dear Tazi:

I just broke up with my boyfriend of six months and I am so angry I need to get it out of my system somehow! Thank you for listening. You are such a good kitty. Why am I angry? It's a long story.

I am almost 19 and a freshman in college. I am going to school a few hours away from home and have made a lot of new friends this year, mostly through my now ex-boyfriend. I thought we had a great thing going, until one of the women I met through "Aaron" asked me if everything was okay between us. I asked her what she had heard, because as far as I knew, things were going great - we were even talking about getting an apartment together next school year. My friend gave me a funny look, and dropped the subject - with me, at least. A few days later, a second friend approached me with the same question and was much more forthcoming with the details. Our first friend's brother had been cruising the personal ads when he saw my picture - and a profile describing me, saying I was looking for something "on the side"! Tazi, I did NOT post that ad!

Since our friends seemed to think the ad was real, I immediately spoke with Aaron to assure him that someone was obviously playing a cruel joke, possibly in an effort to break us up, when Aaron admitted that HE was the one who posted the ad! He said that he was "turned on" by the number of guys that wanted to get with me and that seeing all the responses made him feel like "the man". I was so disgusted by this I broke up with him on the spot. I feel used and violated...and alone. Most of my friends were Aaron's friends first, and I am afraid that they will choose him over me in the break-up.

Obviously, I am not going to get back with Aaron after this sick behavior - I can only imagine what he was thinking whenever he read the responses to "my" ad - but I don't want to be alone, either. Aaron gave me the email address and password to the account he created for me on the dating site because he hoped I would want to "share" the experience with him (that was when I broke up with him). Rather than take down the profile, do you think it would be okay to read through the responses and contact some of the men? I was thinking that they are interested in me, and why should they be hurt by Aaron's sick little joke? Plus, if a relationship with one of these guys were to happen, that would be the best revenge ever against Aaron!

Signed,
So Alone

Dear So Alone:

Have you ever heard the term "rebound romance"? That is when you go from one relationship straight into another, without allowing yourself time to recover. Such relationships rarely work out, and usually extend the period of broken-heartedness that the that rebound-er is feeling. The general advice I would give to anybody is to take a few months off from dating and concentrate on allowing yourself to heal.

Right now, you are angry with Aaron, and rightly so; but you are also mourning the loss of your romance, and possibly the loss of the friendships you made while you were dating Aaron. That is a lot of baggage to carry into a new relationship. I suggest that you give yourself time to unpack that baggage, and straighten out your affairs. Summer is coming, during which time you will presumably return home to old friends, family, and fun times. You have much to look forward to, and entangling yourself with someone new at this point in time will most likely complicate your life as you try to do the long-distance thing over the summer break.

To specifically address your question about contacting the men who answered "your" personal ad...what exactly did your ad - and the responses - say? You write that Aaron was "turned on" by all the men who want to "get with" you. If Aaron's ad was sexually explicit or even sexually leading - which it sounds like it was since you write that it said you were looking for something "on the side" - the men who responded are probably looking for a strictly physical relationship, which does not sound like what you are looking for but which may be the stuff of Aaron's fantasies. Why indulge either at your expense? Allowing these men to use you will only hurt you deeper.

I wish you luck in picking up the pieces, as well as good riddance to bad rubbish! It sounds like you can do a lot better than Aaron.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Is She "High Maintenance" Or Does She Just Have High Standards? Maybe Both!

Dear Tazi,

I am a sophomore in high school, and have been dating since eighth grade. Every year, my family takes off to our beach cottage for the summer, so I have summer boyfriends and school year boyfriends, but nobody I am serious about dating. I am still a virgin, and while keeping it or losing it is not a big deal to me, I am not going to just lay out with a boy for the sake of having sex. I have far too much self-respect!

My problem is that at the start of every school year I start dating someone, but almost as soon as the Fall Ball is over and done with so are we. Boys will break up with me a week before Christmas! The first time it happened, I gave the boy his gift, but he told me he didn't have anything for me because he hadn't gone shopping yet. The second time it happened, I gave the boy his gift but he was polite enough to give it back for return since he hadn't bought me a gift. This year, I heard a rumor that my boyfriend was going to break up with me after the annual Fall Ball at school, so I broke up with him just before Thanksgiving. I had no one to go to the dance with, but a bunch of my friends went without dates and we had a great time! I met a new boy, "Randy", and he asked if he could friend me on Facebook, and I said yes thinking he would ask me out but he never did. I asked my best friend to talk to him, and she told me said he wants to ask me out, but after Christmas.

I could tell my best friend was keeping something from me, so I asked her what else Randy said and at first she said "nothing" but I could see she was lying. I finally got it out of her that Randy said he liked me but he had heard that I was "high maintenance and hands off". He said that he respected my "hands over the sweater" rule but that if he was going to invest some serious coin in a relationship he would want some kind of action in return. Randy also told her that he was waiting until after Christmas to ask me out because he didn't want to have to buy me an expensive gift and didn't want to insult me by buying something that was beneath me.

Whoa! Tazi, I am not some kind of skeeze who puts out in exchange for expensive presents! I wear expensive clothes, nice jewelry, and yes even designer sunglasses but my parents buy them for me and its not like I get new stuff every year (unless I outgrow it - that's different!). I would be thrilled if a boy bought me a gift card to Starbucks or a couple of OPI nail polishes in colors I like because it shows that he pays attention to what I like! And that comment about respecting my hands over the sweater rule? I want to know where he heard that and what my past boyfriends are saying about me! While it is true I don't let boys put their hands up my shirt it is only because none of them have dated me long enough to make it to second base! (My Mom tells me that is actually third base, but she is kind of old.).

Now I don't know what to do when Randy finally asks me out. He seemed so nice at first, and we like talking on Facebook, and he texts and tweets me all of the time, but if he is only looking for sex and if he is going to believe what my ex-boyfriends say about me than I am not so sure if I want him as my boyfriend. Why do boys have to be so stupid, Tazi?

Signed,
Sin-Sin-Single

Dear Sin-Sin-Single:

You sound like a mature young woman and - in spite of his comments - Randy sounds like a nice young man. As you know, high school can be a tough place where everyone wants to fit in; how do you think it would be for Randy if his friends found out he was okay with your "hands off" policy? He would probably get teased and have his sexuality questioned. It sounds like his comment about putting some "serious coin" into a gift was just bravado; after all, he also mentioned that he was afraid you would not like the type of gift he can afford to buy you - but instead of being upset that you would think his gift beneath you Randy is worried about insulting you. To me, that sounds like he is seriously in like with you!

In the immortal words of "The Fonz" (my Mommie is old, too!), "Christmas is for giving, not for trading!"

Quite possibly the coolest man on earth!

Since school will be out for vacation by the time this letter is printed, why not look for a present to give Randy when you see him again at school? It doesn't have to be anything expensive - a gift card to Starbucks, perhaps, and an invite to join you for coffee would be a nice way of letting him know that you like him; that gifts do not have to be expensive to impress him; and that a gift given does not mean a gift is expected in return. You can even tell him that!

As for your other question; if you want to know what your ex-boyfriends are saying about you, I suggest that you walk up to them and ask. Just march right up to one of them at the lunch table, channel your inner diva, and demand to know why you are hearing he implied you were a high maintenance woman! Normally, I do not advocate drama, but sometimes boys will act one way when they are among the guys and an entirely different way when a girl steps in. Watch the movie Grease for a perfect example of this...

Danny Zuko, the second coolest guy on earth

The answer to your last question - "why do boys have to be so stupid" - is a college-level/PhD question; entire semester long classes have been dedicated to exploring the male psyche, men and masculinities, and the pressures boys face to be the kind of super-star they grew up watching on TV and in the movies (think Tony Stark, aka Iron Man) while at the same time being a kinder, gentler, type of man that society also demands they be; is it any wonder boys are so confused? (Not stupid! Please do not judge an entire gender by the actions of a few! That is sexist!).

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. You know it's not against the law for a girl to ask a boy out on a date! If you really like Randy, ask him out on a date!

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Repost: Birth Control, Sex Life A Private Matter

[Ed. Note: Tazi-Kat is taking a holiday vacation this week. Please enjoy a letter that you may have missed the first time around!]

Dear Tazi:

My husband and I are having an argument over an embarrassing topic, and we need a neutral third party to settle it. I cannot take birth control pills because they make me sick; I hate the way a diaphragm feels; and an IUD is too expensive. My husband "Xander" will not have a vasectomy, so as a solution to this problem we use condoms. Because we are married, we don't want the whole world to know this - like I said, it is embarrassing.

On our last trip to the local drugstore to pick up a few prescriptions and what not, Xander decided to grab a large box of Trojan vibrating condoms (which is not what we use!) and loudly ask me from ten feet away, "Honey, do we need more condoms?" as he shook the box for emphasis. Angry and humiliated, I shouted back, "No dear; we still have plenty at home!". Xander feels that in saying this, I was announcing to the entire (rather crowded) store that we don't have sex very often; I feel that he basically announced to the store that we have a kinky sex life and that we are constantly going at each other. At this point, I do not want Xander touching me until he apologizes; but he feels that I owe him an apology. Who do you think is right, Tazi?

Signed,
Holding Out

Dear Holding Out:

Your story reminds me of one my Mommie once heard, while working in a pharmacy. A woman shyly walked in to buy a box of condoms, and the pharmacist asked her "what size?", referring to the size package she wanted. The woman, not understanding the question, responded, "Well, to tell you the truth, my husband is on the small side..."

I share this story with you so that you and Xander can see that there are much more memorable conversations that occur at the pharmacy, and that your tiff probably does not even make it into the Top 10! Xander was wrong to make such a public announcement in a crowded store, knowing that you would prefer to keep your method of birth control a private matter. A Tazi Paw Tap of Disgust to his nose for breaking your confidence!

I have to add, though, that your smart-remark right back to Xander, while difficult to resist, obviously hurt his feelings. If this is the first time that Xander has broken your confidence, I would let it slide and offer an apology to him in return for an apology from him. Once apologies have been given, I suggest you kiss and make-up. Marriage is difficult enough without holding a grudge over a bruised ego.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Teenage Girlfriend Upset Over Infidelity - But Is Boyfriend Or Best Friend To Blame?

Dear Tazi:

I am a high school junior and the girl I thought of as my best friend has been [having a romantic fling with] my boyfriend! How could she do this to me? I trusted her around him and this is how she repays me? Some friend, huh?

It happened at a party that I was supposed to go to but didn't because I was sick. I asked "Mariella" to keep my boyfriend company and did she ever! My boyfriend told me that she must have spiked his drink because he felt all stupid and had no idea where he was or what was going on and the next thing he knew he was [having sex with] Mariella. I have obviously forgiven my boyfriend, but I never want to speak to Mariella again - especially since she is claiming that things happened the other way around - that my boyfriend spiked her drink! She even tried filing a police report against him, but the police said there was a lack of evidence to pursue to case! Can you believe her?

I am thinking of starting a rumor that Mariella has a disease "down there", but I am afraid people will think that she got it from my boyfriend or that she gave it to my boyfriend and that now I have it. I have tried looking online for something really crushing to her - like maybe HPV - but the only way I would know that she had that is if I saw it (ewww) or if she gave it to my boyfriend and I saw it on him (no way!). I know you are going to tell me to forgive her and forget it, but this is my boyfriend we are talking about!

Signed,
Disrespected

Dear Disrespected:

I have read through your letter three times, and I am not sure what you are asking me. Are you asking a question or did you just write to me to vent? You are right that I am going to tell you to forgive Mariella, but I will not tell you to forget. Instead, I am going to ask you to listen - to her side of the story, and to what any impartial observers might have to say.

Why are you so quick to defend your boyfriend over your best friend? What kind of hold does this man have over you that you are willing to put your blind faith in him - even after your best friend went to the police and tried to have him charged with raping her? Are you certain that you are reacting as you are out of love for your boyfriend and not out of shame of the idea of him cheating on you?

As you have figured out, you cannot start a rumor about someone without the effects of it rubbing off on you, so I suggest that you drop that idea as quickly as you thought of it.

Although HPV can infect other parts of the body...

 I also suggest you talk to your school guidance counselor about the anger inside of you. You sound like a very hurt and confused young woman, and my heart goes out to you; however, you are going about solving the issue very poorly. A guiding hand from an adult familiar with all involved is your best bet for getting through all of this and moving forward.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Filthy Sheets Put A Damper On Love Life

Dear Tazi:

I am a sophomore in college, and have been dating my boyfriend for eight months now. I love him very much, but am very upset with him over something and he is saying that I am making too big a deal out of it. I am embarrassed to tell my friends or ask their opinion, so here it goes:

"Joey" has his own off-campus apartment, and lives there year-round. Since we have been intimate, I noticed that he always has the same set of (black) sheets on his bed. I assumed that he only had one set of sheets, and that he would put them back on the bed after washing them. I noticed a stain on his sheets the last time I slept over, and commented that he would have to wash his sheets. Joey looked at me like I was crazy, and asked me why. When I told him it was because they were stained, he laughed and said that "there are a lot more stains than that on them!".

Joey continued that he has never changed his bed-sheets since his mother put them on when he moved in a year and a half ago. As if this wasn't nasty enough...I know that Joey had slept with other women before we started dating, and that he had them over in his bed. Which means that I have had sex on the same unwashed sheets that he had sex on with other women.

I am really upset over this, and have told Joey to toss the sheets and buy new ones. He has refused. I told him I would buy him some new sheets, but he told me he wouldn't use them - that he likes his sheets and that they are comfortable and that they will be staying on the bed. I have asked if I can wash the sheets for him, and he told me no - that at this point, it is "a matter of principle" and he doesn't understand why I am making such a big deal out of dirty sheets; that it's not like these other women are in bed with us. Um, yeah, it kind of is like that, at least to me, but that isn't the only part of the ick factor, though. I told Joey that I would not be spending any time on his bed until the sheets were changed, but now we are both standing our ground...and staying at my place, which is upsetting my roommate - she is threatening to tell our R.A. (I live in a dorm). Could you please tell Joey to change his sheets?

Signed,
Grossed Out

Dear Grossed Out:

You and me both! Joey, for the love of a clean litter-box, Joey, CHANGE YOUR SHEETS! Your bed linens have absorbed all sorts of bodily fluids - from sweat to semen and heaven only knows what else; they are probably crawling with bacteria; and I am guessing they are far from smelling April fresh! You have crossed a line between being a casual housekeeper and entered the realm of reality TV star!

******************************

I can understand Joey's desire to stand his ground, but you need to stand your ground, too. If you do not wish to have relations with Joey until he changes his sheets than you must stop having relations with him altogether; you need to show him that this is a big deal to you. (BTW, a recent study showed that single men only change their bed-sheets an average of four times a year, so while he is not alone, Joey is way below the mean average!).

They were white when they went on the bed...

My concern is that Joey's refusal to change his sheets or accommodate you in this matter is a red flag for the future of your relationship. A person who refuses to honor a baseline standard for cleanliness - and actually puts up a battle against one when someone else gently tries to introduce one - is someone for whom stubbornness is a way of life. Joey refusal to acknowledge your personal feelings on the matter is of concern, too; if he truly loves, you, he would not belittle your feelings and make such a mountain out of this molehill. You may want to seriously reconsider this relationship.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Teenage Son Of A Wayward Mom Needs A Way Out

Dear Tazi:

I am 15 years old and the byproduct of a one-night-stand that my mom had. I have a younger brother and his Dad was a boyfriend of my Mom’s in the loosest of terms. I think “friend with benefits” would be a better description.

I remember how when I was little my Mom would always bring guys home to sleep over. I was supposed to call them “uncle” but I never did. I remember once when I was seven or eight a woman called the house and left a message on the answering machine calling my Mom a “whore”. I never did find out who that woman was, but I did learn the meaning of the word whore and had to admit that my Mom fit the description. She was always accepting expensive presents from these guys. My grandparents never defended my Mom when people looked down on her or talked bad about her and I am afraid it is because everything people were saying was true.

I started high school this year, and there are kids from other middle schools than my old one so I am meeting a lot of new people. One of the kids I go to school with is a very pretty, popular girl that everyone likes. I’ll call her “Kris”. When her Mom came to pick her up from school the other day she saw me with my Mom and recognized Mom from a long time ago when I was just a kid. I guess Kris’ Mom told her a few stories about my Mom because today there was a stupid fight in the cafeteria.  I asked Kris to a school dance, not realizing that she had a boyfriend. He overheard me asking and before she could answer he told me to “go f—k [my] mother, that every other guy in the county has so why not me?”

The insult really hurt because I know the guy was exaggerating but I didn't know what to say. Mom still brings guys home every weekend (I now stay at my grandparents’ house on weekends because of it). I want to tell my Mom that she is embarrassing me and that I am worried about her but I don’t know how. I also want to protect my little brother from the things that I am hearing and he might when he gets a little older. I love my Mom but I don’t like the way she lives her life. I am hoping people will just forget what they have heard. Do you think they will?

Signed,

Son Of A W____

Dear Son Of A W____:

First, you need to wash your mouth out with lye soap for referring to your mother by that nasty word (which I have censored!)! What she is in the eyes of others does not change the fact that she is the woman who gave birth to you! She is your mother and you will respect her! Do you understand? Like Bill Cosby says, "I brought you into this world and I can take you out!"

Now available on T-shirts!

Now, I sincerely doubt your mother is going to change her habits at this late date, so I am going to suggest that you do your best to distance yourself from them. Ask your grandparents if you can have a key to their house so you can come over as needed, when needed, in order to feel safe and comfortable. Make sure your mother has some form of personal protection in case one of her “dates” turns violent (I recommend pepper spray by the bedside and 9-1-1 on speed dial); tell her point-blankly that you are worried about her safety and that her behavior is starting to affect the way people are treating you.

If someone makes a rude comment about your mother, look the person squarely in the eye and say “I didn't realize your Mom was the Virgin Mary!” then walk away. The more emotional you get when you react the more people are going to try and get a reaction out of you. In high school, everyone is trying to fit in and someone is always standing out so sooner or later this, too, shall blow over and someone else will be the headline of the week.

If you can, enlist the services of your school guidance counselor or another trusted adult who has been trained to deal with the difficult logistics of this situation. Your mother’s behavior is abusively unstable – to herself, and to you and your younger brother. You should not have to flee to your grandparents’ house every weekend in order to avoid running into your mother’s latest bed-partner. Hopefully, an intervention will open your mother’s eyes to all that is happening around her.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Virgin Shares Her Bed But Not Her Body, Much To Mother's Disbelief

Dear Tazi:

I was raised devoutly Christian and remain so as an adult. I have been blessed to meet a man who respects my beliefs, although he does not share all of them. “Manuel” and I have been dating for three years now, and due to financial difficulties we have decided to move in together. I think this is the right move for our relationship, because we would like to get married someday and I would like to make sure we are compatible as living-mates, as we are as live-mates.

Although we are renting a one-bedroom apartment, Manuel and I are not having sex. I am a virgin and am saving myself for marriage. Manuel respects me, although he admits it is frustrating to sleep in the same bed with me and not be able to consummate our relationship. I have taken to wearing long cotton and flannel night gowns to ease his tensions. My problem is my mother.

Mom does not believe that Manuel and I are maintaining our chastity. She has condemned me for “living in sin” and has told me she will not come to my wedding if I do not “rectify this abomination immediately”. I don’t think she would actually skip my wedding – my brother lived with his girlfriend and was having sex with her (I know because she was three months pregnant by the time their long-planned wedding date rolled around) and Mom still came to his wedding, even after threatening to disown him and calling his wife every name in the Book.

My problem isn’t my fear of losing my relationship with my Mom; it’s her belief that I have turned away from the teachings of my church and her belief that I am lying to her. How can I convince her that I am still the good girl she raised, and will remain that way until my wedding night?

Signed,

Saving Myself

Dear Saving Myself:

One of the downers of being an adult is needing to take responsibility for your actions. Another downer is cutting the apron strings when you would rather keep them firmly tied in place of the umbilical cord that once kept you attached to your mother. Your mother has accused you of lying; you know you are not. Why do you feel the need to prove to her that you are telling the truth when there is no way – short of a gynecological exam – to prove to her you are still her “good girl”? If your mother cannot take you at your word, this is her problem; you should not be making it yours.

I suggest you meet your Mom for coffee or for lunch or whatever you feel comfortable doing as you broach this subject with her. Tell your mother that you are disappointed with her. Explain that she raised you in faith, and that you continue to follow that faith; her accusations against you are hurtful and untrue. Tell her what you have told me: that you want to make sure that you and Manuel are as compatible as living-mates as you are as life-mates, and that living together not only accomplishes this end but also helps to save money, which you can put towards the wedding you hope to one day have.

One a somewhat related note, for the sake of Manuel’s mental health, your mother’s concerns, and general appearances, you might want to give up the double bed and invest in a set of twin beds (your mother may even want to assist with the cost). This compromise is not ideal, but compromises rarely are.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Reproductive Cancers Can Be Overcome With Treatment And Understanding

Dear Tazi:

I have a problem that is a little too delicate for the family newspaper, but I am hoping that since yours is an online column you will print it.

My wife, “Brenda” is currently undergoing treatment for cervical cancer. Thankfully, the cancer was caught early and she will not have to undergo chemotherapy, but she will be having a hysterectomy. Her surgery has been postponed twice – the first time because she had a high fever indicative of an infection somewhere in her body, the second time because she did not want to be laid up over the summer (we have three weddings to attend). Her surgery is now scheduled for September and she should be completely recovered for the holidays, barring any unforeseen complications. I am thrilled to know that my wife is going to be OK, and feel somewhat selfish for my complaint, but a man has needs, too.

Because of her condition, Brenda is prone to unexpected bouts of heavy bleeding. Since sex seems to bring on these bouts she has been refusing me in the bedroom. It has been several months since we have been intimate because Brenda doesn’t want to ruin the sheets (this is what she says; she is afraid of staining the sheets).

Tazi, I say damn the sheets! I love my wife and I miss her and we can afford to buy new sheets! I ask my wife is there is any other reason why she won’t have sex with me – lack of desire, if she is somehow disinterested in me, or if she is afraid I will be turned off if she starts bleeding – but she insists it is the sheets. I have offered to launder them for her and put them back on the bed, but she still refuses me.

I know that after her surgery she will be out of commission for a while…I just don’t know what to do! I love my wife and would never cheat on her, but I am going crazy over here! I have heard horror stories of women completely losing their sex drive after a hysterectomy. I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life like this! I am only 45! What can I say/do to help my wife overcome her upset over dirty sheets?

Signed,

Missing Brenda

Dear Missing Brenda:

I feel for both you and your wife; for most people physical intimacy is an important part of a healthy marriage. However, you must remember that your wife is not feeling very healthy right now, and that heavy bleeding will make her feel even worse due to the accompanying anemia it causes. Add this to the fact that many women feel uncomfortable having sex during “that time of the month” and it is perfectly understandable why your wife is feeling turned off in the bedroom. I think you should trust her when she tells you that it is not you, but her…and the idea of stained sheets that act as a reminder of her illness.

I checked with the medical experts on the subject of sex drive and hysterectomies, and was told that your wife should not have a problem maintaining sexual desire after her hysterectomy, but that she should not be having sex for a full six to eight weeks after her surgery in order to allow for complete healing. If she has trouble with personal lubrication, there are products that can be used to overcome this issue.

This is Tazi speaking again. You need to remember that sexual desire is not only physical, but mental; response occurs when a person is mentally turned on as well as physically interested.  Right now, your wife is probably going through a range of emotions from fear of the surgery to anticipation of having it all over and done. The more understanding you are of her now, the better response from her you will receive when she regains her health.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Business Plan Gives New Meaning To Ice Cream Treats

Dear Tazi:

My grandmother just died and left my brother and me a small inheritance as well as the recipes for her blue-ribbon winning ice-cream. Our plan is to move to Nevada and open up a brothel and ice-cream parlor, but we can’t decide on a name.

We figure people will stop into our place for ice cream and a little something more. I want to call the place "I' Scream" (get it? I'Scream/Ice Cream) but my brother thinks “The Churn and Turn” sounds better because the girls will be churning ice cream and then turning tricks. This is the one snag in our otherwise brilliant business plan to make prostitution more acceptable. Once successful, we would open a partner shop for women called “Licks and D----“. THAT name we can agree on, but we don’t think America is ready for a male brothel just yet. What’s your opinion?

Signed,

Two Brothers With Big Plans

You want sprinkles on that? It's a few dollars extra...

Dear Two Brothers With Big Plans:

Gee, neither of you were creative enough to think of “Ho’ Made Ice Cream”? Oh, dear...did I just give you the perfect name for your tasteless plan? 

My opinion is that you are both a couple of creeps and that your grandmother must be turning in her grave right about now while my stomach is what is doing the churning. 

-- Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.