Youth And Beauty Are Not Mutually Exclusive Traits!

Dear Tazi:

I am a fairly attractive man in my mid-forties. I don’t drink, don’t smoke, and attend church regularly. I am financially comfortable and keep physically fit. I have varied interests, from outdoor sports to the theater and museum exhibits. I keep a clean house and can cook my own meals. I have good manners and know how to treat a lady. I even call my mother once a week! I like to think I am a good catch!

So what is my problem you ask? The only women who seem interested in me are women who are saddled down with young children. Tazi, it is not that I do not like children; it is just that I prefer my life to remain child-free. I have nephews and nieces who I love, but I equally enjoy the time when their visits end as I do spending time with them.

I do not consider myself a dirty old man, and would prefer to date a woman within my own age range, say 25 – 40 years old, but it seems that women in that age range either already have children, want to have children, or are too involved in their careers to find time for a relationship. A few of them have been goldddigers. I am not a rich man, but I own my own home outright, and this seems to turn on a lot of women.

As much as I hate to say it, I am thinking I may have to settle for an older woman if I am to find any kind of desirable female companionship. Before I make such a drastic leap, do you think there is something else I should be doing in order to meet the woman of my dreams? I feel like by giving up like this I am settling.

Signed,

A Young 46

Dear A Young 46:

How do these younger women – the ones you call “golddiggers” – know that you own your home outright? Do you tell them, in hopes of impressing them, or have they done a title search on your property to see if there is a lien on it? As glowing as your description of yourself sounds, I think you need an attitude adjustment.

You claim that you are looking to meet a woman in your “own age range”, but the range you mention starts at 21 years younger than you and ends at 40. This is hardly what I would consider to be the same age as you, or even within the same range. Five years either way can be considered the same age range. You need to realize that you may be a “young 46” but that you are still 46 and that women who are “married to their careers” may simply be telling you that they are not interested in a man as old as you.

Generally, women within the age range you are looking at will have children or will want children; there is no way around this. If you set your prejudices aside you may discover that a woman who is closer to your age would make a more suitable partner for you. Not all women in their mid-forties and up are dried out husks sliding into menopause, and you should not see them this way.

I think your first step should be to figure out why you want to date a woman who is so much younger than you. Do you see a younger woman as a trophy? Are you trying to recapture your youth or fool yourself into thinking that you have not aged at all? What do you have against women over the age of 40? I can name several that I would not kick out of bed, including Diane Keaton, Francis McDormand, Janet Jackson, Diane Lane, Tina Turner, Kyra Sedgwick, Angela Basset, Felicity Huffman and the other Desperate Housewives and any of the women from Sex in the City. Well, except for the bony one (sorry Sarah Jessica Parker, but I cannot date a woman whose haunches are thinner than mine!). 

The fine at any age Miss Jackson!

Diane Lane makes 48 look good!

"Annie Hall" (Diane Keaton, 67)
only gets better with age!

I am certain that there are several gems in your social circle that you are overlooking simply because their birth certificate was issued before 1963.

Do not look at dating a woman closer to your age as “giving up” but rather as trading up – with an older woman, you do not have to deal with as much drama; they know who they are and what they want out of life, and like you tend to be financially stable with well-rounded personalities.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Unplanned Pregnancy Puts Man In A Bind

Dear Tazi:

Several months ago, I met a woman online (I'll call her "Cindy") and we hit it off really well; so we decided to meet in person. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex on our first date. Since I could never have a relationship with a woman of such loose morals, I chose not to see her again. (I realize this sounds like a double standard, but she initiated it). Shortly after this incident, Cindy called me to tell me that she was pregnant and that it was mine. I obviously have no proof of this, and for all I know she could have slept with a dozen guys that week; but Cindy insists I was the one, so I accepted her at her word and let her know that I support a woman's right to choose; which everyone knows is a euphemism meaning I would be willing to pay for half of the cost of an abortion. At least, I thought that's what everyone knew.

Upon hearing that I supported her right to choose Cindy told me she needed some time to think about what she wanted to do, and a few weeks later she called me back and told me that she had decided to keep the baby. When I told her that I did not want to have a child with her and demanded that she take care of the problem, she told me she was "exercising her right to choose". We argued, and I hung up on her and had my phone number changed. This week, I received a letter from an attorney demanding child support for the baby that I made very clear I did not want. Somehow, using whatever tactics these slime-ball lawyers use, the man found my home address and my employer information and is threatening to have my wages garnished if I do not agree to some sort of child support agreement.

Tazi, is this even legal? The man obviously invaded my personal privacy to track me down, and is now attempting to force me to agree to pay 25% of my (net) income "to avoid the inconvenience of going to court" and "the embarrassment of garnished wages". I am tempted to let this slut take me to court just so I can tell the judge my side of the story, but my friends have advised otherwise, saying that a court judgement could end up costing me an even larger percentage of my paycheck. What do you think I should do?

Signed,
Stuck With The Wrong Choice

Dear Stuck With The Wrong Choice:

Is the "wrong choice' to which you refer the choice you made to engage in unprotected sexual intercourse with a woman you barely knew? Or was the wrong choice the decision you made to blow off the mother of your child, hoping that she would just go away and forget the baby that you and she created together?

Whether or not you wanted to pursue a relationship with Cindy or have a child with her was a decision that was removed from your hands the moment you removed something else from your pants. Nobody expects a one-night-stand to have such long-term consequences, but the possibility is there. You played a game of sexual Russian roulette and lost - now, you have to man up and accept the consequences of your actions.

My bigger concern is your belief that a woman's "right to choose" is a euphemism for offering to pay for half of the cost for an abortion. If that is the case, a woman's body and reproductive rights are still not her own, but something to be controlled by a man, which is a chilling thought. Cindy chose to keep the baby, knowing that her life would change - in some ways for the better, in others for the worse. Whether or not you choose to involve yourself in the life of your child is your business; but the responsibility of providing fair financial support is not a choice - it is a legal obligation, and an offer of 25% of your net income is a very generous offer, indeed. If I were you, I would jump at this opportunity because from the tone of your letter I find it difficult to believe that a judge would be sympathetic to your "side of the story". I would first demand a paternity test - but then, I am sure that you have already done that.

As an aside, you should also know that in this day and age, Cindy's attorney would not have to "invade" your privacy to find out your personal information - a visit to your Facebook page could tell him all he needed to know; a search on MyLife.com would give him even more information; and a copy of your IP address (which would have been stored in Cindy's computer under her Internet history) would also provide the personal information he needed to find you.

-- Tazi

(No snuggles for you!).

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Indiscriminate Woman Discovers The Hard Way That Easy Sex Is Not The Path To Marriage

Dear Tazi:

My friends staged an intervention for me this past weekend, to point out that my behavior has gotten out of control. I don't drink or do drugs or party too much but, long story short, I tend to fall into bed with guys far too quickly and far too often than is healthy.

I am in my late twenties, and all I have ever wanted is to meet a nice guy, settle down, and get married and start a family. My friends pointed out that the way I am going about it is not working. At first I was very angry with my friends, until my best friend pointed out that in 10 years I have slept with - by her count - 100 men. I am embarrassed to admit, her count is a bit low because I have not told her about every guy I have slept with; just the ones I really, really liked.

Most of the guys I have been intimate with seemed like great guys, but they only stuck around for a one or two night stand. I used to think I was getting too clingy, too fast and that is why they ran; so I stopped trying to push them into a relationship, but that doesn't seem to be working, either. How can I meet a nice guy that doesn't seem to want only one thing?

Signed,
Crossed Legs

Dear Crossed Legs:

You can meet a nice guy who doesn't seem to want only one thing by not acting like a woman who has only one thing to give. I realize this statement sounds harsh; but by my math you have slept with - on average - a new man every month for the past ten years. That is not the behavior of a woman seeking to settle down with one man, but the behavior of a woman who is advertising that she is open for business.

You say you are looking for a long-term relationship that could lead to marriage and family, so your first step is to start behaving like a woman who wants to settle down with one man. I am not promoting a sexual double standard, but I am pointing out that there are the type of women men date and then there are the type of women men marry - and 100% of my male sources tell me that they can't see themselves getting serious with a woman who has sex on a first date. (When I pointed out that they, too, must be having sex on a first date they countered by saying it was "recreational sex", not "relationship sex". Apparently, there is a difference).

I find it hard to believe that over the last ten years you have met 100 men who you "really, really like" enough to consider marriage material. I suggest that the next time you meet a man who interests you that much, get to know him before jumping into a physical relationship. You may discover that he is not the type of man you would be interested in for the long haul, and pass on seeing him further; or you may discover that you have a great deal in common. It has often been said that sex and love are like peanut butter and jelly - great by themselves, but there is something about each that complements the other.

On a closing note, I want you to know that your past is behind you; don't dwell on it but do learn from it. Change the behaviors that are not taking you on a path to your goals and set yourself on a new way in your journey to marriage and children.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. How the heck does your best friend remember how many men you have bedded? Does she keep a scorecard? Or does she have total recall of everything?

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

"Kept" Man Can't Keep With "Double Standard"

Dear Tazi:

Why it is society has such double standards, with women coming out on top? I am a twenty-something man who lives with my fiancée in a very nice luxury apartment. We would like to get married, once I have paid off my student loans, but we currently live together with her paying the rent and the bills; partially so I can pay my loans down faster and partially because she makes ten times as much money as I make. Everyone I know makes jokes about me being a "gigolo" (to the point where they start singing that old David Lee Roth song) and I am sick of it! Even my own father has secretly called me a "kept man"!

If the situation were reversed, and I was the one making all the money and paying the bills while my girlfriend concentrated on paying off her loans nobody would say a thing! Do you have any suggestions to get people off of my back?

Signed,
Not a Gigolo

Dear Not a Gigolo:

For the record, "Just A Gigolo" was originally recorded in America by Louis Armstrong. Roth re-popularized it in the '80's for new audiences. Sorry, but that was bothering me; now, onto your issue...

I can understand why you are vexed by your friends' mocking of your living situation, but you are not entirely correct when you say "If the situation were reversed...nobody would say a thing!" Plenty of women would be cautioning your fiancée about putting her financial security in a man as opposed to depending upon her own ability to support herself, and/or pushing her to get married ASAP. Furthermore, you need to ask yourself: If the situation was reversed - and you were the breadwinner - would your marriage be put on hold? Or would you and your fiancée be planning a wedding or even already married, and planning a family?

In this case, to compare the "double standard" between men and women is to compare apples and oranges. Traditionally, when a woman makes so much less than a man, she is expected to quit her job to become a homemaker while her husband remains the breadwinner - even if she desires to do otherwise. Different pressures are put upon women in this type of living situation. I suggest that you examine these differences by supposing that your role was reversed. Discuss the matter with your fiancée, and get her feelings on the subject. Open communications is one of many keys to a healthy, successful relationship and if this is an issue that is troubling you it needs to be discussed.

As for what to tell your friends who hassle you, ask them point-blank what they would do in your situation. Would they choose to live alone, in an apartment they could afford on their own? Would they move back home with Mom and Dad? By turning the tables and putting the onus on them to respond, they might just discover that they are living in a glass house - and should not be throwing stones when they see you through the windows. If they still refuse to stop teasing you, perhaps you need to find more mature friends.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Repost: Tazi's Corner #60 - 4 Complaints (And 1 Compliment) About "300 Sandwiches"

Dear Readers:

I have been reading a lot lately about the blog 300 Sandwiches, and I have to say I am disappointed. For starters, with a title like “300 Sandwiches” I thought the blog would be about Spartan cooking; alas and alack, it was not. It is about a woman’s quest to earn an engagement ring from her boyfriend (who, incidentally is a professional chef), who has basically told her that if she learned to cook he would marry her; that she was “300 sandwiches away from an engagement ring”. The comment was an offhand one, so I can forgive the sexism that sometimes infiltrates long-term relationships, but the author – a writer for the most glorious newspaper feature ever, Page Six of the New York Post, took the guy seriously and started her campaign for marriage because her biological clock was (cue the Marisa Tomei visuals) TICKING, TICKING, TICKING!

Now I like me a good sandwich (even if I am not as ballsy as my big brother, Koko Kat, who has been known to jump up on the dining table and latch on to the tail end of a turkey sub), so I will admit to salivating over some of the photos I saw on the 300 Sandwiches Pinterest board…yet I was still left with a bad taste in my mouth over the whole concept of it, starting with the pressure Stephanie Smith, the author, feels to make these amazing works of art. She is not the chef, her boyfriend is; yet he wants her to prepare his meals when he is too tired to cook (in complete disregard that she may be equally tired). I can understand that after a full day of cooking the last thing he may want to do is come home and cook some more, but Smith has also put in a full day at work – and sometimes has to go out again at night, yet must pull off the construction of an artisan sandwich in heels and a party dress like she is some kind of modern-day June Cleaver.

You mean you don't wear heels and pearls to do the dusting?

My personal belief is that everyone – regardless of sex or gender – should know how to passably cook, even if they do not enjoy cooking. The fact of the matter is that there will come a time when you will be forced to prepare your own meals, be it because it is after midnight and the pizza delivery guy has gone home for the night or because you have been widowed after decades upon decades of marriage and will now follow your spouse in death if you do not learn how to prepare a ptomaine-free steak. Even I, with my lack of opposable thumbs, have learned that a meal can be secured if only I have the patience to chew through the bag of cat cereal! (Incidentally, I learned this shortly after learning that the humans do not think that 2 AM is the ideal time to fill my bowl). For this reason, I am happy that Ms. Smith is finally learning to cook, even if she never learns to love it. Her motivation is what concerns me, though.

Diet, schmiet!

Decades ago the late, great Ann Landers printed a list of rules for a happy marriage that a reader sent to her; she reprinted it in the 1980’s so a more enlightened America could have a good laugh over rules like “greet your husband with a drink and his newspaper when he gets home from work” and “stay a size 10 forever” (for the record, Ann’s 12 Rules were much more egalitarian).  While these “Reader’s Rules” may have flown when a woman’s only job was to be a homemaker and to look great while doing it, nowadays women work outside the home as well, and should not be expected to meet the antiquated standards of previous generations – yet this is the exact standard that the idea behind the 300 Sandwiches plan promotes. If this dynamic works for Smith and her boyfriend, than I believe that is their business, but her choice to publicize it makes it the public’s business, giving us the right to mind it. I argue that he made a sexist comment, she bought it, and now she must own the debate that surrounds it, criticisms and all.

In every relationship there are things one partner would love to change about the other. It has often been said that a man marries a woman hoping she will not change and that a woman marries a man and hopes that he will, thus explaining the high divorce rate in America because you cannot force someone to change without resentment building between the two of you; change needs to be something you strive for because you want it, with no outside strings attached. In the case of Smith and her 300 Sandwiches, an engagement ring is the carrot dangling from this particular string. This brings me to my final concern: the example this highly publicized plan sets.

All relationships demand compromise in order to run smoothly, but these compromises should be made from without, not from within. You should not have to change who you are in order to be pleasing to your mate; your mate should love you for who are, not in spite of who you are. While the point behind 300 Sandwiches is that cooking is a show of love, it should not be a forced show of love, an obligation to be met in return for the highest form of commitment one partner can make to the other. If Smith’s boyfriend wants to marry her, his proposal should not be because she has jumped through some kind of hoop to meet some kind of obligation he has set. What if, after the 300^th sandwich is presented to him, he is just not ready to follow through with his end of the deal and he leaves her over the pressure to fulfill a very public arrangement? What if he says yes to marriage but no to children, her ideal goal? Will she have to make another 300 sandwiches and hope he changes his mind? What about after the kids are born and she can’t lose the baby weight? Will the next sensational blog be about a woman who was too heavy for her partner, who in turn offered to marry her/agreed not to divorce her if she lost weight? Such conditional caveats are not the basis for a healthy marriage, yet popularize the idea that men can all be bought for the right price. Is the way to a man’s heart through his stomach? Do all men think with their genitals? Quite frankly, I think more men should be speaking up about how insulting this “300 Sandwiches” arrangement actually is!

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Beautiful Receptionist Has Bigger Career Plans, Seeks To Be Taken Seriously

Dear Tazi:

I am naturally blonde and large busted, which leads people to think I am a stupid bimbo. I recently started a new job as a receptionist and file clerk for a company I would like to work for in a higher capacity once I finish my college degree.I thought taking this job would be a good foot in the door, but I am starting to think it was a mistake.

Every time I greet a client I am pleasant and professional, and I am making a lot of great business contacts - many of who tell me they would love to hire someone as professional as me! When I tell them that I will be completing my Engineering degree this spring, they do a double take and look completely caught off guard before commenting that they thought I was "just a receptionist" or a "professional secretary" and not an Engineer. Many will then joke about how the women in their Engineering classes were not nearly as pretty as me, which makes me uncomfortable about even pursuing job openings with their firms. I want to be hired for my skills, not my looks!

I have spoken with the owner of my firm about my future career plans, and he has told me that he would be happy to hire me if he has any openings, but right now business is slow and he does not see himself hiring any Engineers in the near future. He told me that all of his clients have said good things about me, so he thinks I should probably see if they are hiring. I didn't have the heart to tell him that his clients - mostly construction companies and architecture firms - all think I am just a pretty face.

I know I should probably be looking for yet another internship at this point, but I have already completed a few and right now my senior Engineering project is taking all the time and mind power I have available for such things. Plus, I really like my job and the people I work with; I am making some fabulous connections; and I am even learning things that I could not possibly learn in school, like how thinks work on a day-to-day level in a real Engineering firm. I have learned which companies pay their bills on time and which ones are practically bankrupt, which will be helpful if I have to look for work in my field at another firm. I have no regrets about my decision to work here, just some concerns about my future. Will my firms clients ever see me as anything but a receptionist? How can I impress upon them the fact that I am a skilled Engineering student who will soon be entering the workforce?

Signed,
Almost There

Dear Almost There:

Congratulations on your upcoming graduation! I think the path you are taking to make professional contacts is unorthodox, but brilliant! An Engineering student's senior project is something that can be listed on a resume as a form of field-related experience, so it is not like you are slacking off by working as a receptionist during your final semester of study. Currently, you are working as the eyes and ears of an engineering firm. I am sure that you have seen and heard things that will work to your advantage in the near future - such as which companies are financially solvent and which are not, and even word on who is hiring before opportunities are advertised.

Engineers are always in demand!

You are facing a problem that a lot of women face in the work force - being judged by your looks and not your abilities. I suggest you try to use whatever time you have to interact with clients to the best of your advantage, to show that you have brains as well as beauty. If possible, try to learn what types of projects your firm's clients are working on and familiarize yourself with some of the details. When a client comes to visit, greet them as you always would and ask them how a particular project is coming along, explaining that you are an Engineering student with an interest in these kind of projects. Be sure to mention at which university you are studying - the reputation of your program can open doors for you, too! By proving you have an understanding of the technical jargon - and holding up your end of the conversation with correct use of the same - your clients should be able to see past your pretty face and into the intelligent mind that resides within.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Tazi’s Corner #62 – Breast Cancer Awareness Backlash

Dear Readers:

This month, I have been promoting the fact that October is Breast Cancer Awareness month, and have added a page for people to snag a pinkribbon gif for their social media; leave a comment on who they are remembering; and in general encouraging people to talk about this disease in an effort to raise awareness of the fact that breast cancer is a very treatable illness if caught early. In return, I have heard numerous voices in support of these efforts, but also quite a few voicing a backlash against it.

One reader wrote, “Why is breast cancer so special? Why does it get its own month? What about prostate cancer or colon cancer? Why don’t men get their own month? This campaign is sexist, but I doubt you will say anything about it because it is sexist against MEN!”

My response to this rant – and others like it – is that you must be the change you wish to see in the world (Thank you to whoever tweaked Mahatma Gandhi’s words for that eloquent quote). Once upon a time, not that long ago (but well before Johnny used to work on the docks…) it was considered shameful to discuss subjects like breast cancer because the word “breast” has overtly sexual connotations. Women did not give themselves monthly self-exams because such an exam involved touching oneself in an intimate area.

Women were literally dying from embarrassment – the embarrassment of systemically checking their own bosom for changes in shape or unusual discharge; the embarrassment of talking to their doctors about a family history of breast cancer; the embarrassment of speaking about their own health because the affected part of the body was seen as shameful. (Former) First Lady Betty Ford started the movement to end this shame by coming forward and announcing to the world that she was being treated for breast cancer – in 1974.  That’s right; it was not the 1950’s; it was almost a decade after the tumultuous years of the 1960’s got started when women were finally encouraged to come out and speak about a cancer that will infect approximately 1 in 8 American women over the course of a lifetime.

In 1982 the Susan G. Komen Foundation (now Komen for a Cure) was founded – by a woman and in memory of a woman to raise awareness and research monies for a cancer whose victims are 90% female! By comparison, the American Cancer Society has existed for 100 years (it was founded in 1913), yet their drum to champion the cause of this very common cancer (Making Strides Against Breast Cancer) only started in 1993 – eleven years after Komen for a Cure was founded by a woman whose sister died from breast cancer and the lack of readily available preventative information about it, and almost twenty years after Betty Ford pulled back the curtain and brought the illness out of the shadows. Only now that Komen’s Pink Ribbon campaign has raised billions  on behalf of this (predominantly) women’s cause do you cry sexism – against men? For shame!

Women have always had to carry their own banner in the fight for equality. It was Abigail Adams, not her husband President John Adams who fought to see that the Founding Fathers “remembere[ed] the ladies” in the fight for women’s suffrage; it was Susan B. Anthony and her cohorts who organized the convention at Seneca Falls, not their husbands and fathers, and while large numbers of men eventually came to support the cause of women’s suffrage it was only after the cause had become large enough to earn their notice. The same can be said for the fight to fund research for and awareness of breast cancer.

I am not unsympathetic to the men who are fighting, whose lives have been claimed or inextricably altered by the scourge that is prostate and colorectal cancer. However, perfectly healthy men should not expect the women of the world to rise up and start a campaign for awareness on their behalf. Gentlemen, the time has come for you to take up your own banner and make your voices heard. Express your fears about the effects of prostate cancer surgery. Is the possibility of being left impotent a fate worse than death? (I am being serious here…I was neutered before I reached sexual maturity). Are you so afraid that someone is going to question your sexuality because you had a scope inserted into your rectum that you are willing to forego a medically recommended colonoscopy? While it is discomforting, I can assure you that colon cancer is much more painful! By speaking out as one, together you can overcome.

Be the change you seek to see in the world. Every cancer has its own color ribbon; its own research foundation (and no, colon cancer’s ribbon is not brown as my smarty-pants Uncle suggests!). Make a donation. Wear a ribbon and when people ask what it is for, raise awareness telling them! Ask those who inquire to support the cause, too, by making a donation to research or volunteering to assist someone stricken with the illness or by participating in a walk to raise both funds and awareness or to join you in the planning of one. Ask people to do something to earn the right to wear the ribbon!  (Survivors and their loved ones, you have already fought and earned that right). Whatever it is you decide to do, don’t decide to leave it up to someone else to do it for you and then complain when it doesn’t get done. Sexism my left hindquarter!

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Reformed "Player" Wants To Show He Is A Changed Man

Dear Tazi:

Growing up I was the kid who always got picked last for team sports – if I got picked at all. If there was an extra person, I was the one left out so the teams would be even; sometimes the other kids would rather play a person short than have me on their team. I was that awkward, and it hurt.

After high school I moved away to go to college and discovered sports like track and cross country and cycling – sports that didn't require the ability to throw or hit a ball or coordinate with a teammate. I excelled at these sports and in no time at all my body changed from being awkward and gangly to physically fit and muscular. Girls started to take notice of me, and I am ashamed to say I started to act like a kid with free reign in the candy store. I know that some of these women were just looking for a good time, but there were others that really liked me and I must have hurt them with my less than honorable behavior.

While I have no problem at all returning to my hometown for holidays and school reunions – in fact, I love going back and showing off how awesome I now look – I am a little ashamed to go to my college homecomings, where I will see the people who only remember me as a jackass jock; that’s not who I am…at least, not deep down inside.

It has been ten years since I graduated college and I am now married and my wife is pushing to go to my college homecoming with me this year so she can see where I was a star athlete and meet all of my friends from college. “Kara” feels that she is somehow missing out on knowing who I am because she has never met anyone from my college years; she has been to my hometown with me many times, and knows I was an awkward child/teenager so now she wants to see where my “transformation” took place. I am afraid that Kara will discover what a player I was and be disappointed in me; I am also afraid that I will see some of the women I hurt and that they will react badly upon seeing me again and maybe even tell my wife about my past. I don’t want to keep secrets from Kara, so how do I get around all of this?

Signed,

Reformed

Dear Reformed:

I am so happy to hear that you got over your own awesomeness and can now see how hurtful your behavior was to women who were interested in who you were as a person and not for your awesome body. You say that you do not want to keep secrets from your wife but you have done just that for all this time; you have kept your past a secret from the one woman who should know all about you. I can see why Kara is pressing to attend your college homecoming.

For the sake of your wife, who does not deserve to hear the truth from someone else, I suggest you track down your old flames via Facebook or some other social media (perhaps your college has a class page) and apologize for the way you treated them all those years ago. Contrary to what the singer Timbaland says, it is never too late to apologize. Then, explain to your wife why you are so reluctant to attend your reunion. You do not have to go into all of the gory details; simply state that you were quite the ladies’ man in college, having spent your grade school years an unpopular dork, and that your behavior got a little out of hand. Tell her you would rather remain perfect in her eyes, so you have skimmed over the less honorable parts of your past and hope that she can forgive you for telling this lie of omission. Finally, ask her if she still wants to attend your college homecoming and honor her request if she says yes. I suggest you make your travel reservations as soon as you finish reading this – homecoming is on its way!

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Facing Adversity The Only Way To Overcome It

Dear Tazi:

I am in seventh grade and my life stinks! I have blonde hair and nobody has ever made fun of me for it before now. This year the boys started calling me dumb because of it. It is hard to ignore because I know I am not dumb. It is very upsetting, especially because the boy I like joins in when the other boys are making jokes.

I have asked my Mom if I could dye my hair and she said no, that "overcoming adversity should not be so easy" and that I will "never learn to be strong" if I always take the easy way out. My Mom has no idea how tough this is for me! She was always popular in school, and nobody ever made fun of her. She was head cheerleader at her school and friends with all of the cool kids. I know because I have looked at her old yearbooks that she keeps on a bookshelf in our living room.

I am thinking of using my allowance money to buy a package of hair coloring and dying my hair at home, but I know that my Mom will freak out, probably ground me, and never let me color my hair again so it will look stupid when I start to get roots.

Tazi, can you think of a way to convince my Mom to let me dye my hair? If not, can you think of a comeback to say when the boys call me stupid?

Signed,
Not A Dumb Blonde

Dear Not A Dumb Blonde:

I recently wrote a column on the inherit sexism of blonde jokes. I suggest you read it, and try to remember the important points it makes. For starters, you will discover that scientific studies have shown that brunettes and redheads who color their hair blonde are the ones lacking IQ points, not natural blondes. Another thing is that you never hear any blonde jokes where the blonde is a boy, which means the jokes are a put-down only to girls - of all hair colors, not just blondes. Both of these are facts that you might want to point out to your female friends who don't appear to be standing up for you! Once they realize that the boys are basically calling all girls stupid I am sure they will start standing up for you, and for themselves.

I think your Mom has a very good point when she says that you need to learn to stand up for yourself, that hiding from adversity will not make you strong. I suggest you start to pay attention in history class to learn what true adversity is, or better yet talk to a person of color who grew up in the 1960's. Listen to the recorded speeches of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. and learn what it was like to be treated like garbage because your skin was too dark.

Products like this were dangerous, and didn't even work

I suggest you do this for two reasons: First, as I mentioned, is so you can learn what true adversity is. Second, because the more educated you are the less intimidated you will feel when the boys call you stupid. If you feel smart, being called stupid will not hurt your feelings so much and you will have the courage to tell these boys to cool it with the insults. Once they see that you are not bothered by their cruel taunts they will stop picking on you.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. There are a lot of smart, impressive blondes out there! Former /Secretaries of State Madeline Albright and Hillary Rodham Clinton are two of them, as is Joan of Arc (she had dark blonde hair), Princess Diana, and my own Mommie! Be proud of your golden locks!

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Tazi's Corner #30 - The Inherent Sexism of The "Blonde Joke"

Dear Readers:

Something happened a few weeks ago that has my Mommie seeing red! She needed to blog the anger out of her system, and since my blog gets tens of thousands of more hits than hers, I decided it was in my best interest to lend her this space (an angry Mommie means less kitty snax for me!). --T.K.

The Inherent Sexism Of the "Blonde Joke"

by Tazi's Mommie

I hold an Associates degree in General Science and a Bachelors degree in Communications. I am finishing the final requirements of two more Bachelors degrees, in Biology and in Gender and Women’s Studies at the prestigious University of Rhode Island. I am a member of four academic honor societies – Phi Theta Kappa; Phi Eta Sigma; the Golden Key Society and Omicron Delta Kappa, the last of which requires members to hold leadership positions in addition to having a ridiculously high grade point average. While on the subject, I’d like to mention that my cumulative GPA is a 3.72 (on 4.0 scale) and I will be graduating summa cum laude this spring. All of this means nothing, though, when people first meet me. It means nothing because I am blonde. I am natural blonde. I am also shapely, attractive, and have a bubbly personality which means when people first meet me they automatically want to deduct about 80 IQ points, deciding that because I fit the “blonde joke” stereotype I must have the intellectual capacity of Forrest Gump.

Blonde jokes are one of the last remaining vestiges of a time when it was socially acceptable to insult someone based upon an incorrect stereotype. We have all heard the jokes – the Truly Tasteless Jokes series of books has them cataloged by subject – and perhaps we even tell them, behind closed doors, among close friends and family who we believe will not judge us. How many of you who tell these jokes are willing to post a joke about the “cheap Jew” or the “ignorant Black man” to your Facebook page? Are the jokes you tell in private no longer funny when they result in the court of public opinion judging you unfavorably?

Blonde jokes have bothered me since I was a teenager. I considered fighting back by telling brunette jokes – they exist, and are very nasty – but, in the end, these jokes simply feed into the stereotypes that blonde jokes promote. “Who makes bras for brunettes?” (Answer: Fisher-Price) feeds the stereotype that only blondes have curves like Marilyn Monroe. Doesn't anyone remember her Gentlemen Prefer Blondes co-star Jane Russell? Yes, Marilyn Monroe played the role of the dumb blonde on several occasions, but that was sixty years ago! Haven’t we evolved as a society since that time? Girls, it is no longer cool to play dumb; it was never cool to be a slut.

Slut? Yes, slut. Another feature of the blonde joke is rampant sexual promiscuity. “How does a blonde turn on the lights after having sex?” (Answer: She opens the car door). This joke – and jokes like it – plays to the assumption that blondes are more likely than brunettes or redheads to have one-night stands in parking lots with men they have just met. I searched GoogleScholar.com, and found not one shred of evidence to support this idea – in fact, one study showed that participants judged brunettes with tattoos to be heavier drinkers and more sexually promiscuous than blondes without tattoos! Another study reveals that it is artificial blondes [i.e. brunettes and redheads posing as blondes] that men judge to be of looser moral character. Are those blonde jokes still amusing to you? Before you answer, let me take this argument one step further: Have you noticed that all blonde jokes are about women?

Think of a blonde joke – any one, it doesn't matter if the blonde portrayed is stupid, promiscuous, or acting like an entitled brat, so long as the subject of the joke is a blonde. Is the blonde in the joke a man or a woman? What did you picture in your head?  If the joke is written down, does it refer to the blonde with the pronoun “he” or “she”? Now, thinking of the same joke, I want you to change the hair color to your own (natural) color. Is the joke still funny? How about when you exchange the hair color for the generic term “woman” or “girl”? Are you still laughing? Or is the sexism now blatant enough for you to see?

Some would argue that former V.P. Dan Quayle is a male blonde joke
(he's more of a blonde, male joke)

 If you are still laughing at your own debasing humor, and you still have the urge to tell blonde jokes, please replace the woman’s description one of your mother, your sister, your wife or girlfriend or another woman you hold dear; maybe then this message will get through to you. Still laughing? Then make yourself the subject of the joke, and have a laugh at your own expense.

To those who want to stand up and make things right, I thank you, but please...don’t take a “Polish joke” and turn it into a “male blonde” joke. This misled attempt to even the playing field is like fighting fire with marshmallows. A marshmallow thrown into the fire does nothing to harm the fire; it only turns into something that brings smiles and laughter. So, too, does the person who attempts to fight sexism with a joke.

KJM
01.26.13

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Tazi’s Corner Issue #16 – Binders Full of Women…And The Men Who Could Not Find Them

[Ed. Note: Scroll down the page for a clip and serve Paw Slap of Disgust to share with someone who richly deserves one!]

Dear Readers,

The other night I got stuck watching the Presidential debate.  I had no choice – my Co-Mommie was giving me snuggles when it came on the TV. There are few things for which I will prematurely end my snuggle time; food is one of them, politics is not.  I was happy that I tuned in because it gave me a chance to exercise my Paw Slap of Disgust – something one reader wrote to tell me I was not using enough lately!  I guess my yoga sessions are working.

Overall, I give the debate three Paw Slaps of Disgust on a scale of 1 to 5; but this is only because it looked like Mitt Romney and President Obama were about to start throwing punches at each other.  Now THAT would have made for a memorable debate!  As it is, I was half asleep from the quality snuggle I was getting when I heard a comment about how Romney went out in search of women to serve in his cabinet and found “binders” full of them.

Binders full of women?  How large were these binders that they were able to fit a full-sized human being, let alone several of them?  (Were these binders comfortable?  Are they the latest attempt at a solution to the housing crisis?  I need to know!  I am always looking for a new place to nap!).  However, of larger concern to me is this: WHY were these women not a part of the Romney Administration’s initial recruitment efforts?  Romney himself said they were as qualified as any man who had applied for the available cabinet posts, so why were these women a part of the second wave of recruitment but not the first?

As a cat, I spend a lot of time planning world domination – write in ­Tazi-Kat for President 2012 – and as a part of this planning I must spend a lot of my time observing humans while pretending to nap.  One of the more important things I have noticed is that politicians like to say things that voters like to hear…but then they surround themselves with people who reveal more about them than the politician would like.  I am not talking about extremes like President Obama and Reverend Jeremiah Wright – although this could be a good example – I am talking about the masses that make up a politician’s team, from his or her advisers straight down the campaign volunteers.  Who are these people?  How do they think, feel, and behave?  Most importantly, what kind of effect do they have on the important decisions that the politician will make?  In the case of Mitt Romney, I find myself questioning what kind of steering committee chooses only men to fill Cabinet posts. 

To his credit, Mr. Romney asked the same questions as I.  How come there are no women among the candidates?  If only men were found to be qualified to fill these positions, why is that so?  Were no women interested in working in politics?  As it turns out, there were “binders full of women” who were both qualified to serve and interested in serving in their state government – the problem was that these career women were still expected to be at home to serve the domestic needs of their families.  This conflict of interest is what disqualified them in the eyes of Mr. Romney’s people. 

Mr. Romney, at this point I would like to offer you my latest free product – a Print and Serve Tazi-Kat Paw Slap of Disgust!  It is extra large to make the printed version easy to read.  Please print several copies and hand one to each and every member of your Cabinet Search Team; the people who could not find one woman both qualified and interested in serving in your Cabinet. 

Just print, cut, and serve!

Maybe you do not realize it, but surrounding yourself with chauvinists leaves people questioning your own character.  Points to you for recognizing chauvinism and seeking to squelch it, but by keeping the chauvinists on board the only lesson you are teaching is that you value the importance of appearing to be politically correct.  You once said that you “like being able to fire people” for bad service; well, here’s your chance.  It’s time to ditch the backward thinking advisers who believe that a woman’s place is in the home first and the political world second, if at all.

I do believe that Mr. Romney is forward-thinking when it comes to accommodating the needs of women who must balance both family and career.  It makes me happy to see that he understands that not every person can sell their soul to the company store – regardless of their sex.  I hope that Mr. Romney allows his male employees to leave work at 5:00 PM so that they may go home to have dinner with their family or to catch their child’s Little League game.  I also hope that Mr. Romney is not pandering to women in the hope of securing their vote; I hope that he considers surrounding himself by forward-thinkers that realize that a woman can have both a career and a family at the same time, but only if they receive the support of their partners.  Most of all I hope that, if elected, Mr. Romney learns how to communicate a thought more clearly.  Binders full of women?  Bill Clinton must be drooling…

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.