Youth And Beauty Are Not Mutually Exclusive Traits!

Dear Tazi:

I am a fairly attractive man in my mid-forties. I don’t drink, don’t smoke, and attend church regularly. I am financially comfortable and keep physically fit. I have varied interests, from outdoor sports to the theater and museum exhibits. I keep a clean house and can cook my own meals. I have good manners and know how to treat a lady. I even call my mother once a week! I like to think I am a good catch!

So what is my problem you ask? The only women who seem interested in me are women who are saddled down with young children. Tazi, it is not that I do not like children; it is just that I prefer my life to remain child-free. I have nephews and nieces who I love, but I equally enjoy the time when their visits end as I do spending time with them.

I do not consider myself a dirty old man, and would prefer to date a woman within my own age range, say 25 – 40 years old, but it seems that women in that age range either already have children, want to have children, or are too involved in their careers to find time for a relationship. A few of them have been goldddigers. I am not a rich man, but I own my own home outright, and this seems to turn on a lot of women.

As much as I hate to say it, I am thinking I may have to settle for an older woman if I am to find any kind of desirable female companionship. Before I make such a drastic leap, do you think there is something else I should be doing in order to meet the woman of my dreams? I feel like by giving up like this I am settling.

Signed,

A Young 46

Dear A Young 46:

How do these younger women – the ones you call “golddiggers” – know that you own your home outright? Do you tell them, in hopes of impressing them, or have they done a title search on your property to see if there is a lien on it? As glowing as your description of yourself sounds, I think you need an attitude adjustment.

You claim that you are looking to meet a woman in your “own age range”, but the range you mention starts at 21 years younger than you and ends at 40. This is hardly what I would consider to be the same age as you, or even within the same range. Five years either way can be considered the same age range. You need to realize that you may be a “young 46” but that you are still 46 and that women who are “married to their careers” may simply be telling you that they are not interested in a man as old as you.

Generally, women within the age range you are looking at will have children or will want children; there is no way around this. If you set your prejudices aside you may discover that a woman who is closer to your age would make a more suitable partner for you. Not all women in their mid-forties and up are dried out husks sliding into menopause, and you should not see them this way.

I think your first step should be to figure out why you want to date a woman who is so much younger than you. Do you see a younger woman as a trophy? Are you trying to recapture your youth or fool yourself into thinking that you have not aged at all? What do you have against women over the age of 40? I can name several that I would not kick out of bed, including Diane Keaton, Francis McDormand, Janet Jackson, Diane Lane, Tina Turner, Kyra Sedgwick, Angela Basset, Felicity Huffman and the other Desperate Housewives and any of the women from Sex in the City. Well, except for the bony one (sorry Sarah Jessica Parker, but I cannot date a woman whose haunches are thinner than mine!). 

The fine at any age Miss Jackson!

Diane Lane makes 48 look good!

"Annie Hall" (Diane Keaton, 67)
only gets better with age!

I am certain that there are several gems in your social circle that you are overlooking simply because their birth certificate was issued before 1963.

Do not look at dating a woman closer to your age as “giving up” but rather as trading up – with an older woman, you do not have to deal with as much drama; they know who they are and what they want out of life, and like you tend to be financially stable with well-rounded personalities.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Embarrassing Foot Odor Hurting Relationship

Dear Tazi:

I have the embarrassing problem of severe foot odor. I have tried powders and crèmes to try and cure it, but nothing seems to work. I never really thought it to be too big an issue, but I recently started dating a woman that has put a snag in my habit of always wearing shoes.

“Robyn” has wall-to-wall carpeting throughout her house and, in an effort to keep tose rugs looking new, she does not allow people to wear shoes in her house; they most be removed in the mudroom before entering the main house. I have not yet been by Robyn’s house because of this rule. I know if I take off my shoes the smell of my feet will end up disgusting her, and that will be the end of this relationship.

Robyn keeps asking me when I am going to come by her place, asks me in for coffee at the end of our dates, and has told me she wants to make me dinner some evening. I am getting the hint that she wants something more – and I would, too – but I am afraid my foot odor will get in the way of any romance.

Tazi, can you think of any way to get past Robyn’s front door? At least until I have found a way to resolve my foot odor problem?

Signed,

Smelly Feet

Dear Smelly Feet:

Foot odor can be caused by a number of things, but if you keep your feet clean and dry the reason is probably medical. An infection – bacterial or fungal – can cause unbearable odor and you may need a prescription medication to conquer it. I suggest you make an appointment with your doctor, who may refer you to a podiatrist (foot doctor) in order to conquer this problem with a permanent solution.

In the meantime, here are a few suggestions for your predicament: If you are not already wearing them, choose white cotton socks over colored or polyester socks. Sometimes, dyes can irritate our skin leaving it weakened and prone to infection. Cotton, unlike polyester, absorbs moisture, which is another cause of foot odor (bacteria feed off of the nutrients in our sweat). Although I do not like to recommend specific brand products (I am not a spokescat) I do like the feeling of Gold Bond Medicated Foot Powder on my paws; it leaves them feeling tingly and smelling fresh. I think it might do the same for you, and powder absorbs moisture, as well.

A way to get around Robyn’s no-shoes rule would be to buy a pair of men’s soft soled slippers exclusively for use at her place (you can even leave them just inside her door, a la the Japanese style). Inform Robyn that you are uncomfortable walking around in your stocking feet (which is not a lie, just an overview of your reasoning) and that you purchased these slippers for exclusive use at her house. Show her the soft soles so she will see that they will not wreck her rugs, and will keep worn socks (and the dirt they may track) off of her carpeting. If Robyn is not amenable to this compromise, perhaps it is time to reconsider your relationship with her. A person who values her carpets over the reasonable comfort of the man in her life might not be the right person for you.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Superficial Reasons For Break-Ups Could Point To A Deeper Issue

Dear Tazi:

I am good friends with a man that reminds me of the character that Jerry Seinfeld played on his show, Seinfeld. "Arthur" is the pickiest man I know when it comes to women! He has broken up with some very nice women over the nitpickiest details. Examples? One woman refused to grow her hair long again after cutting it short; another wore the wrong brand of sneakers; a third put on five pounds after breaking her leg and being unable to exercise; and he left yet another because he found out she wore push-up bras and that her cleavage was "not natural". His latest break-up was with a good friend of mine (I warned her not to date him).  The reason Arthur left her was because she liked to watch football on Sunday afternoons and he is not a football fan.

After every break-up, Arthur comes to me and complains about how he cannot find a good woman; how they all seem nice at first, but once he gets to know then he discovers some fatal flaw and he has to end the "relationship".  Tazi, I put that word in quotes because Arthur's relationships rarely make it past the one month mark!

After his latest break-up (from my friend) Arthur asked me if I had any other friends that I might set him up with; he tells me that he is looking for a serious relationship, and since I know him so well I should be able to find a woman who is perfect for him. I told him I would think about it, but Tazi what I would really like to do is tell Arthur the truth: that he is far too picky, that he is rejecting women over superficial things that have nothing to do with who they are as a woman, and that he has idiosyncrasies that would make him break-up with himself if he were a woman he was dating! The only reason that I haven't said anything so far is because Arthur is a sensitive guy, and I know his feelings would be hurt. Do you think critiquing his behavior would be helpful? Or should I just continue to beg off every time he asks me if I have found a girl for him yet?

Signed,
"Elaine II"

Dear "Elaine II":

There is a difference between criticizing and critiquing. The first is hurtful and serves no purpose other than to speak your mind; the second offers beneficial advice on how to improve the situation. If you can find a way to constructively criticize Arthur's dating criteria, I say go ahead and have that sit-down talk with him. I suggest you start by asking him how he would feel if a woman left him for any of the reasons he has left women. It could be that there is something in Arthur's past - a bad break-up over something superficial - that has Arthur running from the very thing he seeks: a serious relationship.

Since Arthur's last break-up was with a friend of yours, I suggest you not try to set him up with any other friends lest you end up in an argument with the friend who has already dated him. This is not an excuse, but a reason to beg-off Arthur's requests. Any reasonable man should be understanding of this reasoning; if Arthur refuses to accept your situation as it is and continues to put pressure on you, I suggest that you limit your contact with him - unless you want to join the list of women he has left for superficial reasons. One does not have to be a romantic partner to get dumped.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Un-traditional Ring Makes Men Think She is Single

Dear Tazi:

I am a married woman with an un-traditional wedding band.  My ring is not a simple gold band, but a blue sapphire encrusted gold circlet.  The ring has been in my husband’s family for several generations, and came over to this country with his great-great-great grandfather who brought it with him from Europe to give to his arranged bride.  It was a marriage that produced 11 children, and has been passed down through the years to the eldest son or grandson (if there were no sons that generation).  My ring has an incredible amount of sentimental value to my husband and me, and I would not trade it for the Hope diamond itself! 

My problem is that, because it is not a traditional ring, single men do not realize that I am married and often ask me for my phone number.  I work as a bartender, so this problem crops up a lot.  My usual response is something along the lines of “My husband doesn’t allow me to date anyone but him!” at which point the male inquirer gets upset and asks me why I don’t wear a wedding ring.  When I hold up my hand to show my ring, I am accused of “not wearing a real wedding ring” and “trying to boost tips” by pretending to be single.  Tazi, this is not my intent! 

Last week, a regular customer (who is quite wealthy and spends a lot of money in the restaurant, as well as at the bar) complained to my manager that I am leading men on by not making it clear that I am married and that he finds this behavior offensive.  My manager mentioned this complaint to me and told me to “try and let on” that I am not available.  Short of wearing a sign around my neck, how exactly should I do this?

Signed,

Barmaid Brittany

Dear Barmaid Brittany:

I think your should wear a small sign around your neck, like this one:

This absurd gesture should let your boss see just how absurd his/her request was, and should show your regular customer that you do not appreciate being accused of hiding your marital status.  Once the point is made you can take off the sign; your point will have been made and your sense of humor will be showing, and nobody can say that you are hiding your marital status.  This will also offer you an opening to explain the significance of your ring, should you desire.

Working at a bar – even one that is inside a nice restaurant – you are going to interact with more than your fair share of problem people.  Try to remember that alcohol intensifies a person’s personality and behavior; also, it is not called “liquid courage” for nothing!  If a patron finds you attractive, it may take more than a few drinks for him to work up the courage to ask for your phone number.  Rejection will have a double sting since he has spent a nice chunk of money working up his nerve.  Your usual response is kind and witty; I see no problem with it.  I think your regular customer needs to lighten up a bit!  

Your wedding ring sounds not only beautiful in looks, but also in sentiment.  I wish you and your husband many happy years together!

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Was the Phone Call Really An Emergency? Or Just A Way Out Of A Bad Date?

Dear Tazi:

I need an honest opinion. What does it mean when you are single, go on a date, and the woman you are with gets an "emergency" phone call that requires her to end the evening early? This has happened to me twice in the past month, both times with ladies I was interested in getting to know better (thus far, it has not happened with women that I was not interested in seeing again). Both times I tried calling the next day to follow up and make sure that everything was okay; and both times the ladies in question were polite and apologetic for having to leave early, but neither time did they suggest making things up to me by meeting me for another date.

I am told that I am an extremely attractive man and that I have a good personality. I am financially stable, I own my own home, and am current on the mortgage. My children are grown and independent and my ex-wife and I are still on good terms; yet I am starting to question if there is something wrong with me! Could I be doing something to put-off women to whom I am attracted and would like to pursue a relationship? Or do you think that these two "emergencies" really were emergencies, and the ladies were just too embarrassed to ask to see me again?

Signed,
CasaNOVA

Dear CasaNOVA:

I like your cutesy play on words, where you capitalize the "NOVA" in your signature! Are you this charming in person, too? [Ed. Note: The phrase "no va" is Spanish for "it doesn't go"]. However, I have to add that what I find charming, some humans may find cloying and annoying. If you overdose a woman on charm, she may start looking for the nearest exit.

I am intrigued by the fact that these "emergency phone calls" only came in when you were on dates with women who interested you; and not with those you did not wish to see again. Could it be that, in your zeal to let them know that you were interested, you were being a tad too aggressive in courting these women? A good date can turn bad quickly when one person starts planning a future that the other party is not yet ready to envision.

When they go on a date, most women have some sort of exit strategy in case the evening does not turn out as planned. Some women are direct; others are more subtle, employing the "emergency phone call" trick, wherein a friend calls their mobile phone to check-in. If the date is going well, the call is ignored; if the date is not going well, a "sudden emergency" can be claimed and the date ended. Never have I heard of a man calling the next day to follow-up and see if everything is okay. Again, this could be seen as charming and polite or it could be seen as overly-aggressive and creepy.

I suggest that you take the time to analyse your own behavior, asking yourself the hard questions to get to the truth of the matter: Are you coming off as a blow-hard? Are you being overly aggressive in your attempts to charm the ladies? Are you pushing to move things along faster (physically or emotionally) than your date would like? You do not say how many recent dates you have had in total - with ladies that interested you as well as with those that did not - so I am unable to see the entire picture. Being cold and flu season, it really could be that the babysitter called because Junior got sick all over the rug.

You give an attractive description of yourself, so on paper you sound like the type of man every woman dreams of finding - but sometimes, dreams do not live up to reality. Since you are on good terms with your ex-wife, maybe you could ask her opinion of what might be happening to prematurely terminate your promising dates.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Leaving The Past Where It Belongs Can Be Difficult When Meeting Someone New

Dear Tazi:

Many years ago, when I was still young, I made some stupid mistakes and fell in with the wrong crowd.  I used and sold drugs, and ended up in jail because of it.  I have done my time and have completed my probation, and have rebuilt my life following a straight and narrow path.  I go to church, donate money to charity, and live a quiet, middle-class life.  I would like to meet a woman to share my life with, but it seems that they are all scared away by my past.

I now believe in always being honest, so my past is something I mention early on when I start seeing someone new – I do not want to be accused of keeping it secret, should a relationship develop, and I want any relationship that develops to be based upon honesty and trust.  My friends all tell me that my past is in my past and that is where I should keep it; that my honesty is scaring women away, but like I said, I can’t see myself building a relationship on a dishonest foundation.  Tazi, do you think there is a woman out there who can accept me for who I am now, while forgiving me for who I once was?

Signed,

New Leaf

Dear New Leaf:

While I congratulate you on turning your life around and becoming a productive, law-abiding member of society, I’d like to remind you that there is a difference between honesty and complete transparency.  How much of your past are you mentioning and how soon are you mentioning it?  As charming and successful as you may be now, I highly doubt that a woman wants to hear about your criminal record on a first date!  The chances of this revelation leading to a second date are, as you have probably found, slim to none.

I suggest that upon meeting a new romantic interest you take the time to get to know each other for you who are now and who you seek to become in the future.  This groundwork can take several dates to form, and will give each of you the chance to decide if you want something more from each other.  Who knows?  You may decide that the woman who interested you a few weeks ago is not your type; why would you want to reveal such personal information about your past to someone who will not be a part of your future?

Once you feel that a lasting connection is forming – either romantic or platonic – the subject of both of your pasts can be brought up in conversation.  Talk to each other about your childhoods; the morals with which you were raised; and ease into the less comfortable subjects, explaining that your past is what encouraged you to become the person you are today, and the past is where your poor behavior will remain. 

The great thing about pasts is that everyone has one, and they all contain information we would rather keep to ourselves.  The great thing about finding the right person is that they love you for who you are – past and all – and still want to be with you not in spite of your past, but because it has helped to make you the person you are today.  I wish you much luck in your search for Miss Right!  Please let me know when you have found her!

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

How Soon Is "Too Soon" To Be Physically Intimate?

Dear Tazi:

Try as I might, I can’t seem to meet a nice guy who wants a commitment. I am in my twenties, and am ready to settle down with one person, hopefully getting married and have kids by the time I am thirty, so as you can see I cannot afford to waste any time.

I have tried various ways to meet people, from bars and clubs to online dating sites, but it seems like the guys I meet are only window shopping and looking for free samples, if you get my meaning. It has reached the point that I have started holding out to the second or even third date before having sex, but the guys still don’t stick around. I am starting to think that it is me, like maybe I am bad in bed or too clingy after sex.

My friends have all told me that I am expecting way too much far too early. Call me old-fashioned, but I think that once two people have sex they are considered to be a couple. The men I have seen have all been the first to initiate sex, so it is not like I am offering it up with no expectations of a future relationship. I think calling them the next day if they don’t call me is not inappropriate, but my friends all tell me my “clinginess” is what is chasing men away. Who would you say is right, me or my friends?

Signed,

Feeling Used

Dear Feeling Used:

While there is no set timetable as to when carnal relations should commence, not everyone feels as you do that having sex with someone – for the first time or the hundredth time – makes them your significant other. Sometimes, like it or not, you are seen as a casual encounter.

Since you are unable to separate sex from commitment, I would advise that you hold off on the heavy physical involvement until you are certain where things stand with the next man you start seeing. Take your time to get to know each other on a less (physically) intimate level and work at getting to know each other and whether or not you are compatible as a couple. I do not know if you are sending out signals that you want to have sex, but should a man try to initiate it there are polite ways to disentangle yourself and explain that you would prefer to wait until you know each other a little better.

If holding out sexually is not to your preference, you will have to do as your friends suggest and ease up on the “clinginess”, as well as expect fewer callbacks for dates. Some men are, as you suggest, looking for “free samples” and once the challenge of attaining it is over so is any connection between the two of you. As a (neutered) tomcat, I can tell you that few men will turn down sex when they think there are no strings attached!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Underage Romance Can Lead To Some Very Adult Legal Isuses

Dear Tazi:

I am 14, and very mature for my age. My mother, who has not dated since my father left when I was just a baby, has started seeing a very nice man that she really seems to like. I am happy for her, because I know she put her life on hold to raise me. Now that I am practically grown, it is her time to enjoy some of the things life has to offer.

The man she is dating also has a child - a 19 year old son named "Chuck" who I like a lot. Chuck has told me I am "one fine looking female" and would like to "see where things can go" between us. I realize that there is an age difference between us; but girls mature faster than boys, so there really isn't much of an age difference between us at all!

My one concern is that by dating Chuck, it may complicate things between my Mom and his Dad. Chuck agrees with me on this point, and says that this is why we would have to keep our romance a secret. I do not like the idea of keeping the fact that I have a boyfriend a secret, and told Chuck that; so for now, we are staying just friends. Tazi, do you have any advice on how to get Chuck to see that being public with our relationship is the only way we can grow as a couple?

Signed,
Molly From the South

Dear Molly From the South:

I am from the North, so I realize that we have a bit of a culture clash between us, starting with at what age it is appropriate for a young girl to enter into a relationship; however, the law is quite clear on this matter. All 50 states and the District of Columbia have what is called a Unrestricted Age of Consent. That is the age where it is legally acceptable for a man over the age of 18 to enter into a romantic/physical relationship with a girl who is under the age of 18. In no state is 14 the age of consent. You do not say which specific state you are from, but no state has set the age younger than 16 - and more than a few Southern states set the age at 17 or even 18. I believe this to be the real reason that Chuck would like to keep your romance a secret. It would not matter if your mother objected; if a romance between the two of you were discovered, the authorities could arrest Chuck and send him to jail.

The fact that Chuck would like to "see where things can go" between the two of you while keeping things a secret leads me to believe that he is after only one thing, and that you would be wise not to give in to him. Thus far, from what I can gather from your letter, you seem to have made some very mature choices. Paws up to you! Please do not let your romantic feelings for Chuck get in the way of making clear-headed choices.

Please remember that dating, hugging, holding hands and kissing are not illegal in any state; so long as it does not cross the line into "3rd base" behavior (groping, fondling, etc.). IF your mother is okay with you dating Chuck AND Chuck is willing to play by these rules, I would give a cautious O.K. to move forward - but only because it is your mother's approval that you need, not mine. You all might want to keep in mind that Chuck may one day be your step-brother.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Woman Hopes For a Future With Man With A Past

Dear Tazi:

I met a wonderful guy at a Labor Day party hosted by a friend. He is everything I have been looking for in a man, but there is a problem. "Matt" is a Level 1 registered sex offender. Several years ago, while still in his twenties, he had a sexual relationship with a fourteen year old girl. She got pregnant, and when Matt refused to pay for an abortion (it is against his moral beliefs) her parents pressed criminal charges against him. He was convicted, and spent a year in jail; with nine years suspended. He will be on parole until 2016.

Matt swears to me that the girl in question did not look fourteen, swore she was twenty, and that had he known the truth he would never have had sex with her. I believe him, because he seems like such a sincere guy and we did meet through a mutual friend whom I respect; but I am concerned because I have a young daughter (she is eleven). I have yet to introduce Matt to my daughter, or any of my family members. I also have not told anyone about Matt's past, because I feel that it his story to tell, not mine.

My friend tells me that Matt is a great guy, but that if she had a young daughter she would not be hanging out with him. My friend is divorced with no children, so she has no problem finding a date. She doesn't know how difficult it is for a single mother to find a good man. A part of me thinks my friend is jealous of my budding romance with Matt, but another part of me thinks she is trying to look out for me. I am so confused, Tazi!

Signed,
Looking For Love...In All The Wrong Places?

Dear Looking for Love...:

I am going to start by addressing your unwillingness to disclose Matt's past to anyone, because you feel it is "his story to tell". If you were to bring Matt to your home, I am certain that your neighbors with young children might not feel the same way about your silence. So long as Matt is on parole, he is required to meet certain guidelines, which may include staying away from children and the places that they gather. Before setting your sights on a future with this man, you need to investigate his past - and the conditions of his parole - much more thoroughly.

A Level 1 sex offender is at a very low risk of re-offending, and cases such as Matt's often fall under this classification. A Level 1 sex offender is not considered to be a predator; but as a parent your job is to put the safety of your daughter first. If I were you, I would hesitate to introduce Matt to her until you are certain that you know him as a person and that he is someone with whom you wish to build a future. This is good advice to any single parent who dates, but especially since you are dating someone who comes with a questionable past.

Matt may very well be a "wonderful guy" now, but there was a time that he was willing to have a purely sexual relationship with a person whose real age he did not know; and I am inclined to believe that he did not try very hard to find out anything more than what was beneath her clothes. A fourteen year old may "look" twenty, but as soon as they open their mouths their education and maturity levels will show. A conversation about where they went to school, who they grew up with, what kind of music they listened to and the like can reveal much about a person's true age.

From the timeline you provide, it appears that Matt is now in his thirties. I do not believe in punishing someone for a past that they have left behind them, so you have my blessing to give this relationship a chance - so long as you listen to your friend's advice. At this point in time, she knows this man better than you; until you know Matt on a deeper level - which takes time and patience - I would take the relationship slowly. If Matt is as wonderful as you say he is, he will understand and allow you to set the pace of the relationship.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Teens Ask For Dating Advice From Tazi-Kat

Dear Tazi:

My friends and I are having what we would call a "debate" and our Social Studies teacher would call a "discussion" because we have no researched fact on the subject. Whatever! He makes things so awkward sometimes! Anyway, our "debate" is about boys and relationships and since we love your column we hoped you would answer the question for us: Do you think it is better to date lots of boys but have short-term relationships or date only one or a few boys and have long-term relationships.

My friend Amanda thinks it is best to date lots of boys so you can discover what you like and don't like, and to learn how boys think. My friend Jennifer thinks that you should hold out for the one special boy that you like and have a long-term relationship with him. I think if a boy asks you on a date you should give him a chance because you might learn that you like him after you spend some time with him, but Amanda and Jennifer both say no - that if you are going to accept a date with a boy you should like him first. We have all just started our first year of middle school, and are expecting boys to start asking us on dates soon so we really need to know the answer. Thanks, Tazi! You're the ace boon kitty!

Sincerely,
Courtney

Dear Courtney:

I am also a bit confused...what's an ace boon? I am just a little kitty who (almost) never leaves the backyard. Your words sound like a compliment, so I will take them that way! (Readers, if anyone can translate teen-speak for me that would be awesome!).

Since you and your friends are expecting boys to start asking you on dates next school year, I suppose it's time Tazi had the talk with you about dating; I am so glad you brought it up, so here it is:

1) There is nothing wrong with being in a long-term relationship, but you are far too young to be in a serious (physical or emotional) relationship, which is what long-term relationships generally become. Your bodies and your minds are still developing, which can be overwhelming enough as it is. Add in the emotional roller-coaster that a relationship can be and you will definitely be distracted from more important things - like your schoolwork, your family, and your friends. Keep things light! Sixteen and pregnant is not as cool as it looks on MTV.


Photo courtesy of I'm Not Right In the Head.com

2) Unless you want to develop a reputation for being easy (even if you aren't) dating several boys over a short-period of time is never a good idea. It generally leads to hurt feelings and arguments among the people who take sides when the break-up occurs. Who needs that kind of drama? You can discover how boys think and what you like or don't like in a boy by being friends with them, so I suggest that you all get to know the boys you plan on dating through mutual friends and group events - like a school dance, a movie night, or sporting event - where there is a pretty equal mix of boys and girls.

3) Accepting a date with someone you do not know well is a bad, bad, bad idea! This goes for boys as well as girls. People are not always as nice as they seem. Plus, a date with someone you do not know well can make for a very "awkward" time. If you absolutely, positively MUST give the person a chance I suggest you go to a crowded place or a group event, or better yet eat lunch with him in the school cafeteria. Never be alone with someone you do not know - this is good advice for anyone who dates, regardless of their age!

So...who wins your "debate"? I would call it a draw. You all have good intentions towards dating, and when the time comes you will discover just where and how to adjust these ideas to reach your personal comfort zone until the time comes - many moons from now - that you are ready to settle down with that special someone.

Snuggles to all,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Attractive Co-Worker Is Attracting Attention - And Rebuffing It

Dear Tazi-Kat:

There is a woman in my office who is a total b!tch. She comes to work wearing short skirts and tight blouses and then complains when guys hit on her and ask her out (I've enclosed some pictures of her so you can see what she looks like).

The guys at the office are all starting to think that she is only trying to nail the boss in order to improve her standing in the company. Should we let her know that the boss is gay? Or just continue to be frustrated with her "look but don't touch" policy?

Signed,
Castrated Casanova

Dear Castrated Casanova:

Are you really castrated? Did your Mommie take you to the clinic and have your testicles removed, too? I don't really miss mine, since I was still a sexually immature kitten when I had it done. You seem sexually immature, too, but it sounds like you miss yours. Do you have Neuticles? My Mommie read me an article on them once, and I am dying to know what they are like!

Okay, seriously: I realize that you are using the word "castrated" as a metaphor, but you really do sound immature. Calling a young woman a b!tch because she turns you down for a date? Sheesh! The pictures you sent (which I legally cannot republish; because they appear to have been taken with a mobile phone camera, without her consent) show an attractive young woman wearing clothing that is somewhat inappropriate for the office - it appears to be Victoria's Secret catalog office wear - but it does not appear to fall within the realm of Human Resources sending her home. Speaking of HR, if her style of dress is inappropriate for your office, it is an issue for them to address, not you. If you find her style of dress distracting to the point you cannot do your job, then that is an issue you should bring directly to HR; not your co-worker. As an aside, I would like to mention that many companies have policies against co-workers dating; and even if they do not, many people have a personal policy against dating co-workers.

As for outing your boss because you think this woman is trying to sleep with him: I would seriously advise against this action. For one, your boss' sexuality is his own business. If he wishes to discuss it with this female employee it is his business to do so, not yours. If you find looking at this woman frustrates you, then discipline yourself to stop looking!

Perfunctuary Snuggles,
Tazi

Beauty Is More Than Skin Deep; Internet Dating Can Be Fun

Dear Tazi:

I am a twenty-six year old woman and I have never been kissed, never even gone on a date or even been asked out on one. I believe the reason for this is because I am unattractively thin. Even though we live in a world where models and actresses all wear a size zero or double zero, being this thin is not considered attractive in real life.

I am five-foot-ten and wear a size 2. I have tried to gain weight, but am unable to do so – the doctors have told me that there is nothing wrong with my physically; I just have a very fast metabolism. My mother was also very thin, but not as tall as I am. When I start to feel down on myself about my looks, my friends joke that I got the “best” of both my parents physical traits (Dad was very tall) and not to complain – that most women would love to look like me.

I am considering joining a computer-dating site to try and meet someone, but I live in a sparsely populated state and am afraid that nobody local would respond, and I do not want a long-distance relationship. Plus if nobody were to respond I would feel even more unattractive than I already feel; or worse, if people I knew saw my ad I would be totally humiliated.

Do you know of any success stories among people who have tried Internet dating, Tazi? I have my ad written up and a new picture to post with it. All I need is the courage to post it.

Sincerely,
Skinny Sadie

Dear Skinny Sadie:

From your physical description of yourself you are quite thin, and it sounds like you are quite sensitive about this. Please do not take your friends’ “jokes” as brushing off your concerns – it is probably genuine envy over your willowy figure. Your low self-esteem could be what is holding you back on the dating scene, more so than your looks. No matter how beautiful a person is, low self-esteem can be difficult for others to handle.

One sure-fire way to boost self-esteem is a make-over. From department stores to thrift stores, there is something out there for every style, physical figure, and budget. With your height and svelte shape, you would look amazing in a jumpsuit or tailored slacks and ruffled bodice blouse. Fashion overalls (like the vintage Victoria’s Secret overalls) would also look good on you. Stay away from short skirts, which will add to your height; or anything long and flowing, or baggy as it will leave you looking shapeless. Once you are feeling good about yourself, the confidence you exude will attract others to you.

You sound quite lonely, so I strongly recommend that you post your ad on a reputable Internet dating site. You never know who you will meet – or where they will be living, so please do not rule out the idea of a long-distance relationship, especially since you live in a “sparsely populated state”. If someone local to you should see your personal ad you should not be embarrassed – it means that they were also online looking to meet someone. By placing an ad online you are telling the world – from your hometown community to the ends of the earth – that you are interested in meeting a person of quality for a relationship. Simply by letting it be known that you are available you will attract people who would like to get to know you better. You do not need to place an ad to do this – you could simply set your social networking profiles to “Single and looking”.

I know of several successful relationships that have started through the computer, including my Mommie and Daddy, who just celebrated seven years together; her cousin and his wife (a formerly long-distance couple) who recently celebrated five years of marriage; and blogging celebrity couple Jen and “The Hubs”, who I do not know personally, but adore just the same! I suggest you take a chance at joining the ranks of the happily computer-connected!

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. I met my lady friend the old fashioned way – by hissing at her when she jumped over the fence into my backyard. I do not think this would work for humans, though.





Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Whirlwind Romance Results In A Baby...And A Father Who Does Not Know He Is One

Dear Tazi:

Last summer, I fell madly in love with a carny [carnival worker] when the state fair came to town. Last month I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. I will let you do the math and figure things out from there. "John" does not know that I got pregnant because by the time I knew, the fair had moved on to a new town and the cell phone number he had given me was disconnected.

The carnival is scheduled to come to town again this summer, and I see no reason why John would not be working it again, since he told me he has been working for the same carnival for the past ten years. I would like to approach him about child support for our daughter, but I am not certain how to go about doing this. I would also like to be able to rekindle our relationship, but I am not so dumb to think he would quit his travelling job to settle down with me and the baby. Besides, he needs an income to support our daughter.

My friends think I am foolish for even considering approaching John, that he probably gave me a fake name a fake background and a fake cell phone number just to get me into bed, but I am not so certain. I think what we had was love at first sight - he seemed just as sad as I did to be moving on after only a week. My baby girl will need a father in her life, and he is the only one she has. I also think it would be wrong of me to deny John the opportunity to have a relationship with our little girl. What do you think, Tazi? Should I approach John when he returns to town; and if so, how?

Signed,
Baby Mama, Maybe More

Dear Baby Mama, Maybe More:

If I were you, I would stop dreaming about the "maybe more" part you are hoping for and concentrate on the part about being a "Baby Mama" because one thing is for certain: you are now the mother of a newborn baby who needs you to remain realistic. The reality of this situation is, your friends are probably right - you were duped by a guy who wanted only one thing, and a baby was not it. You should get started now in your search for John. Do not wait until the carnival arrives in town two or three months from now.

Your first step towards collecting child support for your child should be to contact an attorney. Give him/her the business name of the carnival that John worked for; plus any business contact information for that carnival. If you do not have it or cannot find it, an attorney should be able to look it up in the county records. In order to operate, the carnival would have had to have an operating license issued to them, which would include contact information. If you have a picture of John, give that to the attorney, as well. John may very well be a fake name, but the Human Resources department for the carnival company will have a photo ID of John on file, and the picture can be matched up with the real name, address, and phone number.

Once your attorney has tracked down John, a paternity test will have to be done. This will be required by any court before child support will be awarded. I suggest that you prepare for things to get ugly between you and John. Even if he says he is thrilled to be a father, you know very little about this man so I strongly suggest that you do not allow him time alone with your child. In a worst case scenario, she could end up at the local fire station or other anonymous baby drop-off location just before John heads out of town again.

Once paternity has been established John will be required by law to pay a percentage of his income for child support. Keep in mind that your little girl may not be the only child he has, so you could end up getting a very small amount of money in return for allowing him parental rights. This trade-off may not be worth what you receive, so I advise that you listen to your attorney's advice before accepting any type of financial support from John.

I offer you my sincerest sympathies on your heartbreak, and wish you the best of luck as you begin your new life as a Mom. Do your best to raise her well.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Woman Who Is "Just One Of The Guys" Wants More

Dear Tazi:

I have always been tomboyish, and now that I am an adult (in my twenties) I am still more interested in "guy stuff" than makeup, clothes, and shoes. I still prefer Popular Mechanics over Cosmopolitan and can outplay all of my guy friends at any video game you can name. I can do my own car repairs, prefer Bud Light over Beringer, and don't even own a dress.

My problem is that no guy seems interested in me as anything more than a friend; to all the guys I know I am just one of the guys, and they do not see me as a potential girlfriend. Over the years I have crushed on several of my guy friends, but they always seemed more interested in the cheerleaders or the hoochie types, and not the down-home girl that I am. I thought things would change as we got older, and they did. The guys are now interested in the Victoria's Secret model type of woman. They still look at me as nothing special.

I hate the idea of changing who I am to attract a man; I want someone to love me for who I am, not for the image I present. Even if I grew my hair long, got a makeover, and started wearing skirts I would still be who I am on the inside, just completely uncomfortable with who I was on the outside. Do you think there are men out there who will love me for who I am or do I have to bite the bullet and girl it up a bit?

Signed,
Tommie

Dear Tommie:

Never, ever, ever, ever, EVER change who you are to impress a romantic interest!!!!  You are only selling yourself short and selling a lie to the object of your affection! If someone cannot love you for who you are than they are not worth your interest!

I am not sure what kind of men you are hanging around with that they only seem interested in girly-girl type women; could it be that they are merely fantasizing about these women but are looking to date someone more realistic? Or do they really seek to be the next Tom Brady?

The man who really does have it all...

Have you ever expressed interest in any of your guy friends, or have you kept quiet and fantasized yourself? A lack of self-confidence has slayed many in the area of romance, regardless of how they looked in a miniskirt. If you are looking to attract the attention of a particular man, I suggest you show him you are interested. Smile at him. Ask him to get together for a beer "just the two of us" and see how he responds. Listen to him when he is talking, and respond so he knows you are listening to him - ask follow-up questions (even if you already know the answer); use words/phrase like "cool" or "that sounds awesome" when a positive response is required, or sympathetic words like "I'm so sorry" when sympathy is needed (not "that sucks"; such casual language can be a turn-off and will keep you in the friend zone) .

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

If you are just generally looking to meet someone, say something! Tell your guy friends (who will have other guy friends) that you are looking to meet someone for a date or a relationship. Once they know you are open to meeting someone they should be comfortable introducing you to men they think will interest you and be interested in you. Friends look out for each other in many ways; this is one of them.

Don't get discouraged and give up if your first few - or first dozen - dates don't go anywhere; it can take a while to meet the right person. Know that dating is a process, and part of that process is discovering what you don't want as well as what you do want in a partner. In the end, you must always remember to stay true to yourself because in the end you are the only one who has to live with yourself.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Sometimes It's Good To Be Single For A While

Dear Tazi:

I just broke up with my boyfriend of six months and I am so angry I need to get it out of my system somehow! Thank you for listening. You are such a good kitty. Why am I angry? It's a long story.

I am almost 19 and a freshman in college. I am going to school a few hours away from home and have made a lot of new friends this year, mostly through my now ex-boyfriend. I thought we had a great thing going, until one of the women I met through "Aaron" asked me if everything was okay between us. I asked her what she had heard, because as far as I knew, things were going great - we were even talking about getting an apartment together next school year. My friend gave me a funny look, and dropped the subject - with me, at least. A few days later, a second friend approached me with the same question and was much more forthcoming with the details. Our first friend's brother had been cruising the personal ads when he saw my picture - and a profile describing me, saying I was looking for something "on the side"! Tazi, I did NOT post that ad!

Since our friends seemed to think the ad was real, I immediately spoke with Aaron to assure him that someone was obviously playing a cruel joke, possibly in an effort to break us up, when Aaron admitted that HE was the one who posted the ad! He said that he was "turned on" by the number of guys that wanted to get with me and that seeing all the responses made him feel like "the man". I was so disgusted by this I broke up with him on the spot. I feel used and violated...and alone. Most of my friends were Aaron's friends first, and I am afraid that they will choose him over me in the break-up.

Obviously, I am not going to get back with Aaron after this sick behavior - I can only imagine what he was thinking whenever he read the responses to "my" ad - but I don't want to be alone, either. Aaron gave me the email address and password to the account he created for me on the dating site because he hoped I would want to "share" the experience with him (that was when I broke up with him). Rather than take down the profile, do you think it would be okay to read through the responses and contact some of the men? I was thinking that they are interested in me, and why should they be hurt by Aaron's sick little joke? Plus, if a relationship with one of these guys were to happen, that would be the best revenge ever against Aaron!

Signed,
So Alone

Dear So Alone:

Have you ever heard the term "rebound romance"? That is when you go from one relationship straight into another, without allowing yourself time to recover. Such relationships rarely work out, and usually extend the period of broken-heartedness that the that rebound-er is feeling. The general advice I would give to anybody is to take a few months off from dating and concentrate on allowing yourself to heal.

Right now, you are angry with Aaron, and rightly so; but you are also mourning the loss of your romance, and possibly the loss of the friendships you made while you were dating Aaron. That is a lot of baggage to carry into a new relationship. I suggest that you give yourself time to unpack that baggage, and straighten out your affairs. Summer is coming, during which time you will presumably return home to old friends, family, and fun times. You have much to look forward to, and entangling yourself with someone new at this point in time will most likely complicate your life as you try to do the long-distance thing over the summer break.

To specifically address your question about contacting the men who answered "your" personal ad...what exactly did your ad - and the responses - say? You write that Aaron was "turned on" by all the men who want to "get with" you. If Aaron's ad was sexually explicit or even sexually leading - which it sounds like it was since you write that it said you were looking for something "on the side" - the men who responded are probably looking for a strictly physical relationship, which does not sound like what you are looking for but which may be the stuff of Aaron's fantasies. Why indulge either at your expense? Allowing these men to use you will only hurt you deeper.

I wish you luck in picking up the pieces, as well as good riddance to bad rubbish! It sounds like you can do a lot better than Aaron.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Things Aren't Always Written In The Stars

Dear Tazi:

For the last four months I have been seeing a man who is a big believer in astrology, which I am not. Before I met "Leo" I did not even know what my sign was, which is actually how we met. He used that lame pick-up line on me, "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"; which I thought he was using ironically and was charmed by it. It turns out, he was using it seriously, and I am not certain what to think! Neither of us is a child, Tazi - we are both well into our thirties.

At first, I found Leo's comments on my personality and habits quirky. He would say I do certain things or react a certain way because of my astrological sign. This habit soon got annoying and has reached a point where I can barely tolerate it. In every other aspect, our relationship is great; but is has only been a few months. I am concerned that when we go through a rough patch he will start blaming our problems and problem behaviors on our astrological backgrounds, instead of actually working through our issues. This issue is the one thing that is holding me back from committing myself to Leo. When I try to discuss the matter with him, he digs deeper by saying it is in my sign's nature to worry about bridges we may never have to cross. I am on the fence about which way to go with Leo, and would like an outside opinion. What do you think, Tazi?

Sincerely,
Ready To "Sign" Out

Dear Ready To "Sign" Out:

Astrology is one of those things that some people look to for fun and others look to for guidance of their every move. Just the other day, my horoscope (I am a Cancer) told me that "loud noises can't hurt" me. I was shocked because I am quite skittish, and any loud noise sends me running for cover, including the sound if Mommie emptying the utensils from the dishwasher that morning! However, my horoscope has yet to tell me that a full-day nap is in order; so I tend not to follow the advice it gives me. I am still not completely convinced that loud noises won't hurt me, either...

If after four months of dating you are still uncertain about whether or not you wish to commit to Leo I would not hold out much hope for this relationship. The fact that Leo seems consumed by astrology and that you pay no mind to it puts the two of you at opposite extremes, so I can see why Leo's beliefs would get on your nerves as he tries to sell you on them. The same can occur when a couple does not share the same religious beliefs and/or fervor.

I would say to just ignore Leo's badgering if it were not for the fact that he used his astrological beliefs to brush off a valid concern of yours. This reaction is rather telling, and could very well be a sign of a different kind, with regard to Leo's personality. Expect him to continue to refer to his beliefs in astrology, regardless of the topic at hand; and get used to having your world turned upside down during Mercury-retrograde, which is something most Astrologers take very seriously as they believe it causes havoc in daily life.

Knowing that Leo's beliefs in astrology are unlikely to change and are most likely to control various aspects of your relationship, do you think you could learn to accept Leo's views as equally valid as your own? If that question made you burst into laughter, then you know the answer to your question. If, on the other hand, your first response was to give serious consideration to the question at hand, there is hope for a relationship between you and Leo if you are both willing to accept the beliefs of the other. Just as important as you understanding Leo's beliefs is his understanding and acceptance of your lack of belief in astrology. Once you have answers to these questions, you should feel more comfortable committing to Leo...or walking away from him. The choice is yours, regardless of what your horoscope advises.

Snuggles,
Tazi



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Short Woman Prefers, Has Trouble Finding, A Shorter Man

Dear Tazi:

I have an unusual problem and I am uncertain how to approach it. I am only attracted to men who are shorter than me; the problem is, I am only 5-foot-2, which seriously limits my selection. I am not sure why I like short men; but I know I am not attracted to taller guys. I think it is because short men do not rely on their height to impress people and instead rely on their personality.

I have tried dating taller men, but nothing ever clicked between us; I really was not interested. Is there something wrong with me? Or is it normal to only be attracted to men of a certain height?

Signed,
Five-Foot-Two and Eyes of Blue

Dear Five-Foot-Two and Eyes of Blue:

Many societies put a large emphasis on height, equating it with power. Here in America, there has not been a President shorter than 5’8” in almost two centuries (not since John Quincy Adams, who was 5' 7 1/2")! To be attracted solely to men of short stature is unusual in our society, but there is nothing abnormal about it.

Most people have a particular “type” to which they are attracted; just because you are attracted to a type that falls outside of the average does not mean that there is something wrong with you. So long as you are not discriminating against men solely because of their height, and it appears that you have not, I see nothing wrong with your preferences. In fact, I am prepared to receive emails from short men everywhere asking for your contact information!

If you are having trouble meeting men that interest you due to your height requirement, I suggest you loosen your rather stringent physical criteria – just as a man will have trouble finding Ms. Right if he insists she weigh no more than 110 pounds, your insistence that a man be no taller than 5’2” is going to limit your search for Mr. Right.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Death Put The Brakes On The Divorce, Widow Now Wants To Date

Dear Tazi:

My marriage was positively miserable for all but a few years. Now that the last of my children is grown and has graduated college, I was planning on leaving their father – I even had the divorce papers drawn up and ready to be delivered – when he took a big, fat heart attack and died. I cannot say that I am saddened by his passing because I am saved the trouble of going through with a divorce and have gained the sympathy and respect of my community as a widow.

My problem is that now that I’m free I would like to start dating. I don’t have anyone in mind, but was considering one of those Internet dating sites or singles mingles. What is an appropriate time for me to wait before jumping back in to the dating world? I would hate to scandalize my children, who thought my marriage to their father was one for the ages, but at the same time I am ready to enjoy my freedom!

Signed,
Just Call Me Scarlett

Dear Just Call me Scarlett:

Depending on where you live and the culture in which you were raised a person’s time of mourning can vary greatly. My community is heavy to the Italian culture, where it seems that a woman mourns her late husband for the rest of her life. In large urban areas, such as New York or Los Angeles, less weight is put upon propriety and more consideration is given for personal fulfillment, meaning a period of mourning lasts as long as you feel it should.

My personal view on an appropriate mourning period is a year and a day. This allows you to live through all of the days/dates that were important to your marriage at least once, and gives you the chance to experience them by yourself; the extra day is so you do not start dating on the anniversary of your spouse’s death. That’s just tacky. I realize your marriage was not the greatest, but often times we do not realize what we have until it is gone. Your first wedding anniversary without your husband; your first holiday season; your first family tradition without him present will be a time of adjustment for all – especially your children; out of respect for them and their need to mourn, allow for time to provide a healthy distance between their father’s passing and the introduction to Mom the Swinging Single.

I am not saying you need to live like a mourning dove for the next 366 days. By all means, get out there and enjoy life! Discover a new hobby or indulge in an old one; take lessons to learn a new skill; join a book discussion club through your local library or book store; take a class at the community college – in other words, live like you were dying. All of this will help you to rediscover your sense of self as you adjust to being a single/widowed woman, help you to meet new friends and cultivate relationships, and maybe even meet potential romantic partners. Nurturing your soul will not only help you heal from your years of misery, it will help your children adjust to the idea that Mom is a person in her own right, too.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Widowed Gentleman Wonders If He Is Leading Her On...

Dear Tazi:

I am fiftysomething years old, in good physical shape, attractive, financially secure, and widowed. My beloved wife of almost thirty years died of breast cancer two years ago and although I am ready to move forward with my life, I am not ready to move on from her memory. What I am saying is, I am not looking to date.

I realize my “Just for Men” model looks and my financial portfolio, as well as my manners, put a large bulls-eye on me for women seeking a husband, but I am simply not ready to walk that path.


Over the past several months I have been volunteering with different breast cancer awareness events in my community, working in memory of my late wife and hoping to meet people who will understand my loss. I have been asked out by many breast cancer survivors, all of whom I have politely refused, explaining that I am simply not ready for a romantic companion. Some women have taken it well, others not so much. There is one woman in particular who refuses to take no for an answer.

“Brianna” is a woman who is young enough to be my daughter; she is constantly asking me to join her for coffee or bringing me coffee and asking me to take a coffee break with her. Although I can refuse to join her for coffee it seems rude to turn down a coffee that she has brought me. I do, however, refuse to stop working to take a coffee break, explaining to her that the cause depends on my commitment to it.

I was recently told by a few of the women with whom I volunteer that I am leading Brianna on by accepting the hot coffee that she has purchased for me; that I am only encouraging her behavior and inflating her hopes that one day soon I will accept her offer for a coffee “date”. Tazi, this was never my intention in accepting the coffee that Brianna had purchased for me. I thought I was only being a gentleman in accepting a hot beverage that had been prepared to my liking. Have I done something wrong? Have I led this young woman to believe there could be something more between us? Or have I behaved appropriately. So much has changed since I was last considered an eligible bachelor; I want to make certain I have not committed an egregious error in judgment.

Signed,
Mr. Widower

Dear Mr. Widower:

You sound like a charming gentleman! I can see why all the single ladies are after you! The fact that Brianna is aggressive to a fault is no fault of yours; your accepting a coffee that she has already bought and paid for is not the same as accepting her offer to buy you a coffee. If you are uncomfortable accepting coffee from Brianna, knowing how she feels about you, you can offer to pay for the beverage the next time she brings you one. This should make it clear to even the most blinded by affection that you are not interested in her, and are not wavering on your disinterested stance.

Much has changed in the dating world over the past thirty years, but the rules of etiquette never go out of style. Continue to be the gentleman you have always been and in time, should you be ready to start dating again, you will find no shortage of ladies who appreciate a fine gentleman such as yourself!

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

How Long Should You Be Dating Before Exchanging Christmas Gifts?

Dear Tazi:

I have been dating a guy since September and am quite upset with him. When I asked "Alexander" what he wanted for Christmas he told me that he did not want to exchange Christmas gifts this year; he felt it was "too soon to be that serious" about each other. How serious does one have to be to exchange Christmas gifts? Ours is an intimate relationship, and as far as I know we are not seeing other people, so how much more serious does he want to get before we exchange gifts?

I waited until after Thanksgiving to ask him a second time what he would like for Christmas, and he responded that he already told me it was "too soon" in our relationship to exchange Christmas gifts. I asked him why he felt that way, and he told me that exchanging gifts of any kind is a sign of deep commitment; that if you end up breaking up you don't want to have a bunch of mementos around that will remind you of that person. When I took this to mean he planned on breaking up with me after the holidays, Alexander told me I was overreacting; that he does not plan on breaking up with me but that he does not know what the future holds.

I feel like Alexander is sending me mixed messages. Meanwhile, all of my friends are talking about what they are getting their boyfriends for Christmas and asking me what I will be getting Alexander. So far, I have just shrugged and said "I don't know"; told them it's a secret; and pretended to be putting things off until the last minute. Should I buy Alexander something for Christmas anyway, so I can at least be honest with my friends when they ask me what I got him for Christmas? But then how do I respond when they ask me what Alexander got me without making him look like a complete jerk?

Signed,
Running Out Of Time!

Dear Running Out Of Time:

You could be honest with your friends by explaining to them that you and Alexander have decided not to exchange Christmas gifts this year, since your relationship is still in the early stages. You say that your relationship is "an intimate one" and I presume you mean physically intimate, but do you also have an emotionally intimate relationship? Has he introduced you to his friends as his "girlfriend" or simply as "a friend" or has he not introduced you to them at all? Do you know Alexander's favorite color, brand of cologne/after-shave, and what his favorite food is? Can you read his moods and know what triggers them? Do you know what turns him on outside of the bedroom? If you know none of this, how could you possibly buy him a gift that has special meaning between the two of you? Or were you planning on buying him a CD or Blu-Ray? (In which case you will need to know his musical and movie tastes).

It is possible that Alexander was deeply hurt in  the past and had to purge his life of painful physical reminders of that relationship. (I know many a woman who has made a trip to the local gold and silver buyer to rid herself of jewelry from boyfriends past!). Rather than disrespect Alexander's wishes, why not give him a creative homemade gift? Cookies, brownies, or other baked goods are always a delicious way to show you care! You could also write him a sentimental message inside a Christmas card (just don't go overboard) or offer to take him out for Chinese food on Christmas Eve to celebrate your "non-Christmas" celebration.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.