Being A Friend Means Standing By During The Painful Times

Dear Tazi:

Do you know that old Beatles’ song “With a Little Help fromMy Friends”?

Well, I do sing out of tune, and my friends did get up and walk out on me! I was so humiliated! A local bar has a regular karaoke night, and I have always wanted to try but was too scared to try. I made a New Year’s resolution that this would be the year I got up and sang, so I chose a song that is always popular that I didn’t think would be too tough to learn (“Jolene”, by Dolly Parton) and I practiced it on and off, in private, for six months. My plan was to WOW my friends, since I am normally shy and only sing in the shower when nobody can hear me.

When I got up to sing my song, one of my friends decided to step outside to have a cigarette. His girlfriend joined him, and another friend had to go to the bathroom at that exact moment – something about the bar food disagreeing with him. My only other friend who was with us felt “awkward” sitting there by herself so she joined the others outside.

I got a smattering of applause after I finished my song so obviously I wasn't a total train wreck and I should feel good about myself, but I am really hurt that my friends didn't stick around to hear me sing! It took a lot of courage for me to get up there and do that, and none of them hung around to watch me. I told them afterwards how hurt I was and they told me not to make such a big deal out of it – it’s just karaoke, not an American Idol audition and that I can sing it again the next time we get together. I would like to try and sing again, because it was fun and since it was dark in the bar I didn't feel like everyone was staring at me, but I don’t want to be known as a one trick pony; the person who can only sing the one song that they have prepared. And what if someone else sings my song first? Then I won’t be able to sing at all!

Am I being unreasonable to ask my friends to apologize for their inconsideration?

Signed,

Shy Dolly

Dear Shy Dolly:

I would first like to congratulate you on overcoming your fear and performing! I, for one, am quite impressed (and if you have ever met a cat you know how hard it is to impress one!). While it would have been nice for your friends to stick around to watch your moment in the spotlight, it is possible that they thought their presence would make you nervous and uncomfortable. This could be why the smoker chose to leave at that exact moment. The friend with intestinal distress should be excused regardless! A shy person should understand why the friend who was left alone felt awkward about sitting there by him/her self; perhaps a little more understanding on your part is what is needed to get your friends to see your point of view. I realize that you were hurt by their absence, but it sounds like you lit into them without giving them a chance to explain themselves (although the friend who needed a bathroom offered what I feel was a very acceptable explanation, and no apology is needed from them!).

There are a lot of people who sing karaoke regularly, and they come prepared with a few “regular” songs that they have rehearsed and know how to perform well. While Jolene is a commonly sung song in many bars – particularly now since an altered version of the song has gone viral – it is a popular one that people like to hear.

If you are not comfortable with the idea of being thought of as a “one trick pony” than don’t be one; learn another song or two that you can add to your repertoire as either a second piece to sing or as a back-up song should your first-choice already be taken. Since you have gotten up to perform once already you now know that you can do it; doing it again will be all the easier, and letting your friends know that their support and attendance is important to you should be enough to keep them in their seats for the five minutes it takes you to perform. I suggest you calmly tell them this and ask that they stay seated during your next performance.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Is Being A "Snobby Mommy" What Is Best For The Child?

Dear Tazi:

I grew up in a middle-class family. My father was a police officer for a major metropolitan area and my mother was a homemaker. Although I never wanted for anything, I always felt like we were “poor” because my mother always complained about the things we could not afford that she wanted – mostly luxury items like a Lincoln Town Car, a four bedroom house, jewelry from Tiffany’s, and other things that held no value to me as a child but can understand as an adult. My Mom wanted a higher social status than our economic status accorded.

Growing up, my Mom always tried to direct me to form friendships with the children of doctors, dentists, lawyers, and other white-collar professionals; she would schedule amazing play-dates when these kids would come over, complete with arts and crafts, ice-cream, and other things that made these play-dates memorable; my “regular” friends from the neighborhood got nothing. Regardless of how great these play dates were, they were almost never reciprocated and the friendships my mother would have preferred I form never happened.

I never realized what my mother was doing until I became a parent myself. Like my father, my husband works in law enforcement and we live a nice, middle-class life. When my daughter started kindergarten this year, my mother approached me about “cultivating the proper friendships” for my daughter and her hope that I will succeed where she failed. Tazi, I was horrified at learning the truth – that my mother tried to use me as a pawn to better her social standing! I told her I refused to use my daughter in such a way, to which she responded that my child will end up no better than me if I do not! Tazi, I am quite happy with my life; I love my husband and cannot imagine being married to anyone but him or living the happy life we currently live. We make sacrifices to send our daughter to a good private school, but that is because our public school system has gone downhill since we bought our house.

I thought I had made myself clear on this issue, but my mother is up to her old tricks again. She has started watching my daughter two afternoons a week to allow me some “me time”. This arrangement was my mother’s idea, but I readily agreed to it because I want my daughter to have a close relationship with her grandparents. I was at the salon last week to get a manicure when I ran into one of the “Snobby Mommies” whose child is in my daughter’s class. She seemed surprised to see me, thinking I would be at home hosting the play date that our children had that afternoon. I was taken aback, but quickly recovered and explained that my mother was watching the children.

I went home early to find my daughter’s play date in full swing, complete with Play-Doh, ice cream, and other fancies that are appropriate for special occasions only. After the Nanny showed up to pick up my daughter’s “friend”, I laid into my Mom about her intentions. She insists that I am somehow leading my daughter down the path of failure by not promoting friendships with her upper/upper-middle class classmates. I think I turned out well in spite of my lack of “cultured” friends, but I realize that times have changed. Is my mother right? Should I be encouraging my daughter to reach beyond our social class?

Signed,

Middle-Class Mom

Dear Middle-Class Mom:

When your mother was a child, there were few opportunities for women who sought a career; women were expected to get married and have children and keep their husbands happy by being good and obedient wives. The man a woman married was often a man she met through friends or other social circles; the divorce rate in the 1950’s was just over 10% and it was not something you discussed in polite conversation, so marriage was for life – for better or worse, for richer or for poorer. From what you write, your mother was hoping to marry for richer and did not, and tried to steer you down a path that she felt would improve your chances of marrying a wealthy man. Please do not feel anger or resentment towards your mother for this – she was raising you in the way that she thought would lead you to the brightest future possible.

Times have changes since your mother married. Women now not only have amazing career opportunities, but many hold positions that are the envy of men – Senators and Representatives in Congress; CEO’s of Fortune 500 companies; even competitive drivers on the NASCAR circuit! While a person’s socio-economic status still plays a part in a person’s future career success, it is no longer the do-all and end-all predictor of how far they will go in life.

As a parent, it is your responsibility to make sure your daughter cultivates healthy childhood friendships with children who like a respect her as a person; your mother’s attempts at bribing children to be friends with your daughter strikes me as a little twisted, but perhaps this is how things were back when she was growing up. If your daughter enjoys spending time with the children your mother invites to these play-dates – and they enjoy spending time with her – then I see no reason why the friendship should not be encouraged. However, I encourage you to treat all of your daughter’s friends the same – regardless of their family’s economic status. This is the point that you must make clear to your mother. If it is not too much trouble, why not have two children over at once, one from the neighborhood and one from school?

Snuggles,

Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Perfection Is In The Eye Of The Beholder

Dear Tazi:

I have a friend, "Martha", who is perfect in every way possible. Her house is always immaculately clean, her children perfectly poised, and her figure like that of a movie star. Martha's husband is equally good-looking, holds a very impressive job where he makes six-figures, and is as devoted a husband as I have ever seen. Meanwhile, I am 40 pounds overweight, my kids are forever getting dirty, my house looks like a tornado hit it, and my husband is just an Average Joe. I feel like Fred and Wilma Flintstone to Martha's Barney and Betty Rubble. The worst part is, Martha has never, ever given me a reason to dislike her. In fact, she is one of the sweetest people you would ever want to meet; always the first to lend a hand, or to compliment the work of others.

Sometimes, I feel like a horrible person for wishing SOMETHING bad will befall Martha - after all, into everyone's life a little rain must fall, right? Other times, I feel terrible about wishing ill on someone as nice as Martha. What is wrong with me, Tazi? I love my husband and my children, and I think I have a pretty good life...until I see all that Martha has, and find myself wanting more.

Signed,
Green-Eyed Monster

Dear Green-Eyed Monster:

From your signature, I believe you already know what is wrong: You are jealous of all that Martha has, and are thinking the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Try to remember that the reason for that may be because that is where the cesspool is hidden.

Rather than concentrate on what you do not have that Martha does, why not try to concentrate on all that you do have? Your husband may be an "Average Joe", but is he dependable and loving and a good provider? What is so "average" about that? Your children may be "forever getting dirty", but that means that they are outside playing and having a good time, instead of sitting in front of the TV playing video games. As for your figure, are you unhappy with how you look? Or only how you look in comparison to Martha? You are correct in thinking that Barney and Betty Rubble were the more glamorous couple when compared to Fred and Wilma Flintstone; but Fred and Wilma were a great couple in their own right! (Remember, Betty and Barney were not without their own issues, having suffered infertility! Bam-Bam, you may recall, was adopted).

The next time you find yourself wishing something bad will befall Martha, try to remember all of the blessings in your life; and recall the story of Richard Cory, a poem by the New England writer (he was from Maine) Edwin Arlington Robinson. You will never know the full story of someone's life until you are able to walk a mile in their shoes. A little rain must fall into everyone's life, but there is a chance Martha received her share at an early age. Try to be happy for your friend's blessings, and I am certain she will count you among them. Good friends are hard to find, and even harder to keep.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. For those who are interested, below is the poem I mention...

Richard Cory
by Edgar Arlington Robinson (1869-1935)

Whenever Richard Cory went down town,
We people on the pavement looked at him:
He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
Clean-favoured and imperially slim.

And he was always quietly arrayed,
And he was always human when he talked;
But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
"Good Morning!" and he glittered when he walked.

And he was rich, yes, richer than a king,
And admirably schooled in every grace:
In fine -- we thought that he was everything
To make us wish that we were in his place.

So on we worked and waited for the light,
And went without the meat and cursed the bread,
And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
Went home and put a bullet in his head.



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Irresponsible Borrowing Causes Trouble For Lender

Dear Tazi:

I have a friend who is always borrowing things and never returning them!  I would not mind so much if I eventually got them back, but last week she decided to have a yard sale to clean out all of the clutter in her house.  I thought this would be my chance to get several of my personal items back, but she still did not return them.  You can imagine my surprise when I stopped by her yard sale to discover many of my personal belongings on sale!

I told "Beth" that several of the items she was trying to sell were mine, but she denied it.  She said that since I had never asked for the items back they were hers to do with as she pleased, and she was choosing to sell them to make a few extra dollars.  She told me she would compromise and let me take that which I could prove was mine without having to pay for it, but anything else that was for sale - or had already been sold - was fair game for her.  Tazi, I was livid!

I managed to find several of my sweaters and blouses (thankfully, they were monogrammed) and a few scarves; my favorite umbrella (also monogrammed); and a box full of my books (which had my bookplates inside the front cover).  While gathering up my stuff, someone had the audacity to tell me she was planning on buying much of what I was holding, and demanded it of me!  I was so disgusted, I walked off before letting Beth examine what I was taking with me...which has led to a bigger problem.

One of the items that I took - thinking in all honesty that it was mine - was an expensive, antique Waterford crystal decanter.  I recall having one once, and not remembering what happened to it so I figured I had let Beth borrow it and she had never returned it.  The decanter is easily worth $500, and Beth was going to sell it for $10!  This was the item that Beth's customer had wanted to purchase.  Beth called me about the missing decanter, and we argued over it.  I refused to return it, thinking it was mine.  Later that evening, when my husband came home from work, he was surprised to see the decanter and asked me where I got it.  When I told him, he reminded me that our decanter had shattered several years ago, when one of our nephews went careening into the sideboard.

I called Beth to offer an apology, with the disclaimer that she had so much of my stuff at her yard sale that it was an easy mistake to make, but she refused my apology - and demanded the $10 for the decanter!  I refused to pay her, and offered it back to her, but she refused, saying that I had walked off with it from the yard sale so therefore I had bought it.  Personally, I think Beth owes me for anything of mine that may have sold at her yard sale and that we are even!  What is your opinion, Tazi?

Signed,
Ripped...Off

Dear Ripped...Off:

When you loaned Beth all of these items, did you ever ask for her to return them or did you simply wait for her to eventually bring them back to you?  Did you ever remind her that she still had your stuff?  Unless you both have the same initials, I cannot imagine why someone would want to borrow another's monogrammed clothing, but I digress.  The point it you allowed Beth to use your stuff and you never asked for it back.  Your stuff was at Beth's house, where you could have easily picked it up or asked her to bring it over to your house - you did neither, nor did you offer to assist Beth with the sorting of items for her yard sale - you simply showed up and expected her to remember what was hers and what was yours, in spite of the fact that you did not remember all of that yourself.

The expression "neither a borrower or a lender be" is a reminder of the personal responsibility that is involved with each party.  While the borrower is responsible for returning the item they borrowed in the same condition it was received, the lender is taking a chance that this might not happen.  Furthermore, things like books are often exchanged between friends.  My Mommie has books that she loaned years ago, but never expected to see again once they were loaned figuring the cost of sharing a good book is worth more than the value of the book.  Some of these books were returned, others have now been passed on to friends of friends.  It happens!

In the case of what is yours and what is Beth's, there is responsibility to be had on both sides.  It appears to me that your personal possessions were of no value or use to you until they were about to be sold at a yard sale.  Do you really want to be this petty with a friend?  As for Beth, she needs to compromise.  She has the right to ask for either the money or the return of her decanter, but not the right to demand that you pay for it, especially after selling some of your possessions.  Pettiness is no way to respond to pettiness - it perpetrates an ugly cycle.

I suggest that the two of you shake hands over coffee and make up with each other.  Explain to Beth that you should have taken possession of (or made repeated requests for) your borrowed stuff long before it reached this point, but that you would have appreciated it if she separated out any items if which she was unsure of ownership - as you should have done before leaving her yard sale.  As for the decanter, if Beth does not want it back ask if you can "borrow it until further notice"...if she does not get the humor in that request, you may have to reconsider your friendship with this woman.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Woman Who Is "Just One Of The Guys" Wants More

Dear Tazi:

I have always been tomboyish, and now that I am an adult (in my twenties) I am still more interested in "guy stuff" than makeup, clothes, and shoes. I still prefer Popular Mechanics over Cosmopolitan and can outplay all of my guy friends at any video game you can name. I can do my own car repairs, prefer Bud Light over Beringer, and don't even own a dress.

My problem is that no guy seems interested in me as anything more than a friend; to all the guys I know I am just one of the guys, and they do not see me as a potential girlfriend. Over the years I have crushed on several of my guy friends, but they always seemed more interested in the cheerleaders or the hoochie types, and not the down-home girl that I am. I thought things would change as we got older, and they did. The guys are now interested in the Victoria's Secret model type of woman. They still look at me as nothing special.

I hate the idea of changing who I am to attract a man; I want someone to love me for who I am, not for the image I present. Even if I grew my hair long, got a makeover, and started wearing skirts I would still be who I am on the inside, just completely uncomfortable with who I was on the outside. Do you think there are men out there who will love me for who I am or do I have to bite the bullet and girl it up a bit?

Signed,
Tommie

Dear Tommie:

Never, ever, ever, ever, EVER change who you are to impress a romantic interest!!!!  You are only selling yourself short and selling a lie to the object of your affection! If someone cannot love you for who you are than they are not worth your interest!

I am not sure what kind of men you are hanging around with that they only seem interested in girly-girl type women; could it be that they are merely fantasizing about these women but are looking to date someone more realistic? Or do they really seek to be the next Tom Brady?

The man who really does have it all...

Have you ever expressed interest in any of your guy friends, or have you kept quiet and fantasized yourself? A lack of self-confidence has slayed many in the area of romance, regardless of how they looked in a miniskirt. If you are looking to attract the attention of a particular man, I suggest you show him you are interested. Smile at him. Ask him to get together for a beer "just the two of us" and see how he responds. Listen to him when he is talking, and respond so he knows you are listening to him - ask follow-up questions (even if you already know the answer); use words/phrase like "cool" or "that sounds awesome" when a positive response is required, or sympathetic words like "I'm so sorry" when sympathy is needed (not "that sucks"; such casual language can be a turn-off and will keep you in the friend zone) .

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

If you are just generally looking to meet someone, say something! Tell your guy friends (who will have other guy friends) that you are looking to meet someone for a date or a relationship. Once they know you are open to meeting someone they should be comfortable introducing you to men they think will interest you and be interested in you. Friends look out for each other in many ways; this is one of them.

Don't get discouraged and give up if your first few - or first dozen - dates don't go anywhere; it can take a while to meet the right person. Know that dating is a process, and part of that process is discovering what you don't want as well as what you do want in a partner. In the end, you must always remember to stay true to yourself because in the end you are the only one who has to live with yourself.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Unless You Are In Providence, RI; Friendship Is A Two-Way Street

Dear Tazi:

I find myself in a rather delicate situation, and I am not quite certain how to address it. I have a friend who is a lot of fun to be around when times are good; but when things start to go downhill for "Chris" he turns into a selfish jerk who can't see past the end of his own nose. More often than not, times are bad or teetering on bad because Chris also has a horrible work ethic. He refuses to do what he needs to do to survive, preferring to do what he wants to do; even if it doesn't bring in enough money to pay his bills. This is where my problem gets complicated.

"Chris" considers himself to be a modern artist, which I guess is one way you could describe his work, because I don't consider that stuff to be real art. Chris' work is very simplistic - he will take a plate of half-eaten food and spray it with shellac; then declare it his latest work, calling it something like "Remains of an Appetite". His titles are always catchy, but his work...just isn't art. Unfortunately, Chris just doesn't see this and is constantly pressuring me - and the rest of our friends - to buy his "creations"; offering us a "friends and family" price, usually in the range of a few thousand dollars. When we refuse to buy his stuff he accuses us of being un-supportive of his artistic and economic endeavors, and then blames us for his financial woes. When we suggest that he look for a steady job with a regular paycheck, we get accused of not understanding him, on top of not being supportive (this is a regular complaint from him: that he - and his "art" - are misunderstood). He then offers us the chance to "make up for it" by loaning him money that he will repay in the form of favors - mowing the lawn or other house-chores that we don't pay others to do, that he never gets around to doing anyway, and that will not return the cash he "borrowed" to our bank accounts.

I realize this letter probably sounds fake by now, but trust me it is a real problem. I would like to tell Chris to take a hike the next time he harps on me to buy one of his sculptures or paintings or to outright give him money (in return, of course, for favors from him); but the last person who did that got trashed on every social media site you can think of, including here on Blogger.com. Chris wasn't just blowing off steam - he mentioned this person by name, which now appears in Google searches for her, which is making her search for a new and better job rather difficult. When she asked him to remove her name from his rants, he told her that she had made her bed, and now she could lay in it. He later apologized to her (after she threatened legal action against him), claiming that he was "depressed that day" because yet another gallery had rejected his portfolio for display. However, the damage to her reputation has been done. I would really like to avoid a similar fate, but am not sure how to disentangle myself from this delicate situation. Chris and I run in the same social circles, so I can't avoid him forever.

Signed,
Part-Time Actor, Full-Time Realtor

Dear Part-Time Actor...:

I take all letters seriously, and can generally tell when they are fake. Yours sounds sincere.

Some artists - like some actors - can be extremely sensitive about their work, taking to heart the slightest criticism of their craft. These people are also the type to be chronically unemployed in their field because they have inflated their own worth to a level far beyond what others see. Does this describe your friend Chris?

I can understand your desire not to be publicly flogged via the social networking sites that litter the Internet, but you cannot allow yourself to be coerced into maintaining a friendship where all of the benefits are headed in one direction. Friendship is not a one-way street (unless you are in Providence, RI; where Friendship Street actually is enforced for one-way traffic).

Welcome to Providence, RI!

The next time Chris asks you to purchase one of his creations, surprise him: tell him you would like to view his selection, and take a few days to consider where you might display it in your home - and then do it. If you still decide his work is hideous, you can honestly tell him that you considered his work; but that is just doesn't go with your decor. This may not get him off your back completely, but if nothing else it will buy you a few days of peace from his incessant requests. Should his requests continue, ask him if he has anything new since you last reviewed his stuff and if he thinks it would go with your decorating. In other words, humor him until he gets tired of making an effort to actually sell his work.

When you see Chris at social functions I suggest that you do not approach him, and do your best to be in deep, personal conversation with another should he choose to approach you. To interrupt would be rude, but if he does you will have an excuse to ignore him for a few days; until you "get over the slight". As childish as this sounds, you need to play his game in order to beat him at it.

The next time Chris asks to "borrow" money in return for favors worked, suggest to him that he do the work up-front, and that you will pay him an agreed upon price. If his work ethic is as awful as you claim, I doubt he will approach you again about one of these loans. Sooner or later (hopefully sooner!) Chris will stop seeing you as an easy target and will most likely distance himself from you, as there is nothing that you can do for him that would not involve a serious effort on his part. Either that, or he will work on changing his attitude...however, I would not bet my money on that horse.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

"Thin Bashing" Makes Being Underweight Even Harder

Dear Tazi:

I am a woman in my mid-thirties and have always had the same problem with my appearance since I was a child: I am too thin. I eat healthy and exercise in an attempt to put on muscle and increase my size, but I have a very small frame and will probably always be super-thin. My doctor tells me I am healthy, albeit being slightly underweight (muscle adds weight but not bulk to my frame), and not to worry too much about it so long as I do not feel dizzy or have heart palpitations or any other issues associated with being underweight. I have been able to deliver two healthy children, but after both of my pregnancies I lost the weight immediately - and my curves along with it :-( .

My problem is that many of my friends think I must be a closet anorexic and will not get off of my back about how thin I am - they are constantly trying to force me to eat "more" - and will encourage me to eat sugary foods. I eat approximately 2,000 calories a day, so I am not starving myself! Since when does "more" equal unhealthy? I do indulge occasionally, but I am not one for sweets; they hold no attraction for me.

Invariably, after I explain myself to my friends, someone will always accuse me of bragging about how I can eat whatever I want and not gain weight. Tazi, this is not the case! I am not bragging, nor am I saying I can eat "whatever I want", unless not liking sweets much implies that I can eat all of the healthy food I want and not gain weight. I would never criticize the appearance or eating habits of an overweight friend, so why do people think that it's OK to pick on me for being thin? How should I respond to these accusations?

Signed,
Skinny Minnie

Dear Skinny Minnie:

I am happy to hear that you are healthy, in spite of the fact that you are underweight; being underweight can be just as dangerous as being overweight, as I am sure you are aware. As you have discovered, there is a major backlash against the super-fit by people who are not so genetically blessed. This is because there are people who will "humbly brag" about how fit they are as a way of shaming those who cannot fit into a pair of size 2 skinny jeans.

What is HER excuse?
My guess is hunger pangs.

If your friends are making you uncomfortable, feel free to speak up in your own defense - you are among friends! Tell them that too much sugar makes you sick (as it would anyone) and that you don't have much of a taste for it. The next time a friend bemoans her size and wishes she could be as thin as you, tell her that you wish you had her curves - or her fabulous chest, or her dynamite booty - and see how quickly the mood of the room brightens! Living in a society that values the waifishness, many women feel insecure when in the presence of someone who is naturally thin; feeling insecure can lead to some thoughtless comments.

If someone continues to harangue you about your looks, politely but firmly tell them that your weight is not a topic you enjoy discussing - and then change the subject. Only an absolute clod would push the boundary you have set. Do you really want to count such clods among your close circle?

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Long-Time Friendship Teetering Over Lack Of Guest Soaps, Respect

Dear Tazi:

Maybe I am being petty and maybe I am not, but I think my issue has more to do with respect for another person’s property than it does about the cost of soap. That’s right; soap.

Against my better judgment I hosted a few house-guests this past summer – old friends of my husband, “Barney and Betty”. The week of their arrival I scrubbed my house from top to bottom and made sure everything was shiny and clean. Since we only have one bathroom in my house, I put out extra towels – not guest towels, mind you, because I do not think I should have to spend good money on towels that won’t get used except for when I have overnight guests which is rare, but freshly washed clean towels for anybody’s use.

My guests used their towels once and then put them in the laundry, requiring me to put fresh towels out the next day which was an inconvenience for me, but a minor one that I allowed to pass. What upset me is that, at the end of the weekend, Betty threw out the fresh new bar of soap I had put in the bathroom. When I found it in the trash I asked who put it there and Betty replied that she did; she

thought she was doing the right thing by tossing “the guest soap” so I didn’t confuse it with my regular bar of soap. I explained to Betty that she did not toss “the guest soap” because there was no guest soap – that fresh bar of soap was for everyone to use. Betty shot me a look like she had just eaten something bad and choked out an “Oh”. That was all! No apology for throwing away an entire bar of soap!

It has been several weeks since their visit and I never received a thank you card from Betty thanking me for my hospitality, but my husband, “Fred”, just got off the phone with Barney who mentioned that they will be in town again for the holidays and would love to see us. I told Fred that I would never host them again after the way Betty acted, first throwing away a perfectly good bar of soap and then failing to thank me for my hospitality! Fred told me that it wouldn’t be a problem; that Betty and Barney would be staying at a hotel. The way Fred said this left me with suspicions as to why.

I pushed my husband into telling me what he knew but was not telling – it was obvious he was keeping a secret from me – and he broke down, telling me that Betty felt I was “unhygienic” and she had been “physically ill” over the idea of using someone else’s bar of body soap. Well! If Miss High and Mighty needs her own, personal bar of soap to scrub her nether bits than she can just stay at a hotel!

I have no desire to see Betty again; not until she apologizes to me for throwing out my soap and reacting like it was something contaminated when I told her that it was not her personal bar. Fred says I am making too big a deal out of things; that Betty and Barney were our guests and that I should have let them go on thinking that we had set a guest bar of soap out for them. He says when you really think about it, using someone else’s bar of body soap is a rather intimate act, and he can see why Betty would be upset. I say he is full of hogwash! A bar of soap is clean; it is an antibacterial agent that is used to clean the skin and kill germs, so it is not like you are going to catch some kind of disease off of it (and for the record I do not have any diseases!).

Fred has asked me to set aside my anger with Betty and forgive the slight of not sending a thank you note; that from her point of view it is she who deserves an apology. Have I broken some kind of rule of etiquette by not putting out guest soap? Or am I the wronged party here?

Signed,

Wilma

Dear Wilma:

I can see your point about soap being an antibacterial cleaning agent, but I can also see your husband’s point of view – that a bar of body soap is used to scrub our intimate places – so I can understand why Betty felt physically ill over the idea of your, ahem, “vajayjay” and “tuchus” snuggled up to the soap she is now lathering all over her body.   

The use of bath sponges (or “shower poofies” as my Mommie calls them) and liquid soaps and bath gels have largely overcome the issue of whether or not it is OK to share a bar of body soap with someone other than your intimate partner (hand soap is still OK). I am going to suggest that both you and Betty let the matter drop and pretend it never happened.

In the future, should you host house-guests, you may want to invest in a cheap bath sponge and a trial sized bottle of shower gel for your guests to use. As humans become more and more conscious of germs and how they spread, they are becoming more and more aware of the ways they come in contact with each other – and the communal bar of body soap is something that leaves a lot of people feeling unclean, no matter how much they scrub with it.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Drama Queen Needs To Find A New Target

Dear Tazi:

I have a friend, "Randi" who feeds on drama. Whenever she gets upset with someone, she goes off on them on Facebook and "unfriends" them until the spat has ended; then, she will send another friend request. If the friend request goes unanswered, she will cancel it and resend it. Randi will keep doing this until you accept her as your friend. Since I like to keep my life a drama free zone, I let her unfriend me, ignored her multiple friend requests, and finally blocked her from my Facebook account so she could not drag me into her little game.

I thought Randi would get my point and leave me alone, but mutual friends have told me that she has been trashing me on her Facebook page, calling me a bad friend and names that are much, much worse. I would not be bothered so much by this if Randi did not act like a good friend to my face and as if nothing is wrong. I am torn between bringing the subject up with her and just letting it go and hoping she will eventually give up the fight. I am afraid if I ask my friends for their advice they will report back to Randi and the cycle will only get more intense - which is why I am writing to you for your opinion.

Signed,
Drama Free?

Dear Drama Free:

It looks like your life is not as drama free as you would like. In order to settle the situation, you have to ask yourself: how much do Randi's comments bother you? Is she mentioning you by name or simply implying that her comments are about you? Last of all, why are your friends reporting this to you? Are they trying to fuel the fire in hopes of a dramatic eruption?

In my opinion, Randi is attempting to get a reaction from you with her Facebook posts. Since she continues to be nice to you in person, it could be that she is hoping to play the innocent party and paint you as paranoid if you suggest that her comments are about you. As annoying as these comments must be, bringing them up to Randi will only cause more drama.

The next time your friends bring up the comments that Randi is making, shrug it off and do not let on that the comments bother you. Sooner or later, Randi will get tired of playing a one-sided game and move onto a new target. Since she loves drama so much, I suggest letting her keep it all to herself by refusing to take the bait she offers. If you are uncomfortable with maintaining a relationship with Randi, drop her from your circle of friends; if you are unable to do this, work to limit the time you spend with her. People who feed on drama tend to find a new source when another source dries up on them.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

"Vegetarian" Might Not Be, Upsets Hostess By Eating Bacon

Dear Tazi:

My best friend from college recently came for a visit and was staying with me for the week. "Karen" is a self-proclaimed vegetarian, so in order to accommodate her dietary needs and make her stay in my home as pleasant as possible, I went a little overboard. Yes, she told me not to make a big deal of her diet; that she would eat the meals that I serve and avoid the foods she could not eat, but as her hostess and her friend I wanted to make her feel at home. I went out and bought a vegetarian cookbook and the necessary supplies to cook the recipes. I spent a great deal of time in the kitchen creating special vegetarian meals that looked appetizing and that my family would eat. Karen told me that the food was delicious, and thanked me for the efforts.

While in town, Karen had plans that did not involve me (and I was fine with that) but we did agree to meet up for coffee one afternoon; I am really wishing that I hadn't. As I walked into the coffee shop I noticed that Karen had arrived before me, and was halfway through a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich! I expressed my shock to Karen over the idea that she was eating animal products, and she told me that she was not vegan so eggs and cheese are an OK part of her diet; and as for bacon she responded, "Well, sometimes I slip. I love bacon".

Tazi, I put in a great deal of time and expense to work around her vegetarian diet and am hurt to find out that she is not a vegetarian - not a real one, anyway. I tried to keep my cool through the rest of Karen's visit, but it was difficult as I continued to prepare the vegetarian meals I had already planned for the week. I think Karen noticed that something was wrong, but she did not say anything. After she left, I released my stress and anger to my husband, who laughed over the idea of me walking in on Karen eating meat! He thought the whole thing was hysterical!

I am considering sending Karen an email expressing my upset with her, and asking for an apology for her lies and maybe even reimbursement for the cost of the vegetarian cookbook, which was not cheap. My husband says that I am overreacting and that I should let the whole thing go, but he was not the one who was put out in the kitchen, or the one who was misled to believe that a special menu was necessary. I realize - as my husband pointed out - that Karen said not to go through any trouble on her part, but who actually believes a guest when they say that?

Signed,
Steamed (Not Boiled)

Dear Steamed (Not Boiled):

I am assuming that your signature is a play on the way you cooked the vegetables during Karen's visit? Steaming really is the best way to prepare veggies, since it allows the veggies to retain their nutrients that would otherwise leech out into the boiling water. Just a tip...I did not mean to digress from your concern.

Not to take sides, but your husband has a point: Karen told you not to make a big deal out of her diet, and apparently she meant it; it was you who ignored her requests. Consider the cost of the cookbook, vegetarian menu, and your time spent in the kitchen the cost of being a gracious hostess to an old friend, as well as the cost of a lesson learned (that lesson being to take people at their word).

Rather than email Karen to vent, why not email her to let her know that you enjoyed seeing her and that you are sorry that you were agitated towards the latter half of her visit; that seeing her eat meat really threw you for an emotional loop, and that you hope your reaction did not put a damper on her visit. This will give Karen the chance to profess her apologies for misleading you with the idea that she is a strict vegetarian. There are all kinds of vegetarians - from the strictest of the strict (vegans) to those who will eschew red meat but eat fish (because fish have a very poorly developed sensory nervous system). While there are those who would not consider Karen a true vegetarian, there are those - including Karen - who do consider her one. Not being a vegetarian yourself, I do not believe that this is your judgement call to make.

In the end, try to remember the happy parts of your visit with your old friend, and work towards reestablishing the ties that have bound you together over the years.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

"Overbearing Conversationalist" Needs To Learn How To Take Turns Talking

Dear Tazi:

I have a good friend who is a very dear woman, but has one major flaw that drives people away from her: she is an incessant talker who always manages to turn the conversation back to her. She was recently bemoaning her lack of friends - right after I mentioned I was getting together for lunch with some ladies we both know - so I felt obligated to bring "Pam" along with me.

When we arrived at the restaurant, one of my friends was on crutches. She had been in a car accident a few weeks prior and had done some muscle damage. Pam immediately expressed concern for the woman, but as soon as she said the words "car accident" Pam hijacked the conversation to talk about a car accident she had been in 12 years ago and how she still feels pain when the weather is bad. When the conversation turned to a different subject, Pam again took it over and made it all about her.

Just when a member of our party was ready to tell Pam off, our friend on crutches needed to use the ladies room and Pam offered to assist her by carrying the woman's purse, which showed the side of Pam that I adore - selfless and giving. At the end of lunch, Pam thanked us all for having her and even paid our bar tab as her way of showing her gratitude.

Since that day, Pam has been trying to "friend" these other women on Facebook and make plans to get together in person. Although my friends have accepted her friend requests, they are reluctant to spend time with her in person because she is such an "overbearing conversationalist", as one of my group politely put it. I would hate to see Pam excluded from our group get-togethers, because she is desperately in search of more friends, but at the same time I do not want to hurt her by telling her point-blank why the others seek to exclude her. Short of sneaking out behind Pam's back is there any way I can find a comfortable solution that would please everyone and hurt no one?

Signed,
Somewhere Between A Rock And A Hard Place

Dear Somewhere Between A Rock And A Hard Place:

My first thought was that Pam might have been trying to fit in with your group when she prattled on, but then I remembered that she is acquainted with the other women, as well. Since she regularly monopolizes the conversation, I doubt it is just nerves that prompt such rudeness, so I am going to guess that Pam does not realize what she is doing. In her attempt to empathize with others she is steamrolling over them.

Although it will not be easy to tell Pam about her conversational flaws, it can be done in a gentle manner that will spare her feelings. The next time Pam hijacks the conversation, hold up your hand in a "stop" motion and gently mention that you need to say something. Then, tell Pam that she may not realize it, but cutting people off mid sentence or mid-thought is considered by many to be rude, and may be the reason she has such difficulty cultivating the friendships she seeks. Let her know that you enjoy listening to her, but that it comes at the expense of losing your turn in a two-way conversation.

Pam will most likely be flustered at this point, so try your best to comfort her, letting her know that you enjoy her company just the same and that she is a sweet and loving person, but that she needs to be aware of how she treats others in conversation. If she seeks to improve upon this problem, offer to help her through regular conversations. If, on the other hand, Pam is offended, reveal to her that you only have her best interests at heart. Since Pam has few friends to begin with and is seeking more, I doubt she will write you off her list.

Once Pam has shown that she is making a conscious effort to be considerate of those she is conversing with, speak to your luncheon group about giving Pam a second chance, mentioning that she is aware of her tendency to be an "overbearing conversationalist" and is working on changing. If they refuse to offer a second chance, perhaps you should give a second glance to the type of people you have befriended.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Bad Listener Wants To Be Better Conversationalist

Dear Tazi:

Am I a terrible person? I have an inability to express interest in the lives and doings of others if they do not somehow concern me. For example, right now, my best friend is going through a prolonged illness that will require her to have extensive surgery. When we got together for coffee last week all she talked about was how terrible she has been feeling and how she is hoping the surgery will correct her problems; all I heard was “blah blah blah, me me me…”. I realize that other people’s medical problems are not something most people want to hear about, but I feel like I could have been a more supportive friend. Instead, I just zoned out on her.

I wish I could say that the only time I zone out on people is during discussions about other people’s medical issues, but I don’t. I zone out all the time – in church while the preacher is preaching, at dinner while my husband and kids are talking about their day, with my Mom when I am on the phone with her. I am starting to feel very self-absorbed. I have tried to be a better listener, but all the while I am thinking about what I want to say and wondering when it will be my turn to talk. Is there any help for me? Can you suggest some ideas on how I can become a better listener, and thus a better part of the conversation?

Signed,

Feeling Self-Absorbed

Dear Feeling Self-Absorbed:

Recognizing your problem is half the battle. There are many people like you who do not realize that their behavior is a problem (I will have a letter detailing the other side of the story tomorrow). Once you recognize that your behavior is an issue, you can work on solving the problem.

You say that when your best friend was talking about her very real concerns all you heard was “blah blah blah, me me me”. This is a very self-centered thing to say! Admittedly, few people want to hear the gory details of someone else’s health issues, but you could have focused less on the details and more on your friend’s emotional state. One good thing about listening is that it allows the listener to steer the conversation towards a topic that they would prefer to hear. When your friend commented that she was hoping her surgery would cure her ills, you could have asked her what she is looking forward to doing once she is cured. This would have directed the conversation to happier topics that might have been of mutual interest (travel, sports, hobbies, etc). A conversation is a two-way process that requires all to take both an active and resting (not restive) part in it.

Cats aren't the only ones who are bad listeners!

You mention that while others are talking all you can do is think about what you want to say. I suggest that you practice being a good conversationalist by having a conversation with yourself. Record yourself speaking, and then play it back to listen to how you sound. Are you bored with yourself? Do you find what you are saying detailed and interesting? Do you pause to allow someone else to add their thoughts? In short, are you the type of person to who others want to listen? Once you discover how you sound to others, you might be more willing to keep your mouth closed and your ears open.

Play back your recording a second time, this time pausing the recording to add comments or questions, as if you are merely an interested listener and not the person speaking. Does your recorded conversation allow for that? Good speakers can create good listeners. If what you have to say is interesting to them, people will want to listen to you and ask further questions of you; they may also start to mimic you, following your cues and allowing for comments and questions and asking questions of you when they speak to keep the conversation going back and forth.

If you find that your problem is that you lack empathy for others rather than good listening skills and a reasonable attention span, professional counseling may help you get to the root of your issues. I can understand not wanting to hear all the boring details (as my Mommie’s Grandpa Eddie used to say, “I asked you for the time, not how to build a clock”), but you should at least have an interest in the goings-on of your family members.

Snuggles,

Tazi

 Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Visit A Vet On Valentine's Day

Dear Tazi:

I read your very touching Veteran's Day message, and was hoping that you could promote the Ann Landers' tradition of asking your readers to visit a vet on Valentine's Day.

Almost every country across the globe has military veterans who are living in hospitals, rehabilitation centers, and nursing homes where each day is exactly like the last. The monotony is draining to the spirit, which negatively affects the physical health and recovery process these brave men and women must endure in their efforts to get back to the lives they lived before the war(s) in which they fought. A visit from someone who is willing to take the time to say hello, to read to them, to listen, or to encourage can do wonders to break the cycle of sameness that can lead to depression. I know, because I was once a veteran in rehab; and a Valentine's Day visit from a stranger who took the time to come see me made a huge difference in both of our lives, and sparked a friendship that has lasted for many, many years.

Signed,
A (Prematurely Retired) U.S. Marine

Dear U.S. Marine:

I have always been told "once a Marine, always a Marine", and I salute you for your service and sacrifice! I received your letter late, so I could not suggest sending cards as Ann Landers always did; but as a small token of my appreciation, I am pushing it to the head of my queue; printing it on Valentine's Day; and hoping that it reminds people to take time today to visit those who need our attention, but would never dream of asking for it: the brave men and women of our armed services. You heard the man, Readers! Please take the time to visit a vet today!

Snuggles to all,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Christmas Is Over, But Friend Expects Perpetual Presents

Dear Tazi-Kat:

I have this particular friend that I go out with often; however this friend of mine seems to be using me. Every time we go out I have to pay her share because she complains she doesn't have any money, because she collects social security. However, after going out with her she frequently asks me to stop at Barnes and Noble so she can buy books about vampires, and she spends 30 dollars or more; or she will spend her money on iTunes cards. When I confront her about it she says she doesn't get much to spend. However, the amount she dishes out for these items is money that I wish I had to spend.

In addition to these spending habits, she complains of being very lonely. Now, after looking at her patterns, I can see why she doesn't keep her friendships. I would like to tell her why she doesn't have many friends; but I don't want to sound harsh. For me, I can't keep a friendship going on me dishing out the money all the time and not getting money back in return (for the gas I use in my car to take her out and for the costs of the entertainment). What would you do in this situation?

Signed,
Worn-Out Friend

Dear Worn-Out Friend:

You mention that your friend is on social security. Considering her spending habits, she is either a very hip senior citizen, or a young person on social security disability benefits. Just this past Christmas my Co-Mommie and her friend (both “seniors”) were commenting on how technology has gotten ahead of them, and that they are content with their VHS tapes and big-box TV's; so I am going to go out on a limb and guess that your friend is a younger person on SSD benefits who has a lot to learn.

In this economy, many humans are having a difficult time making ends meet, which means there is a lot less money left over for entertainment, fuel, food, catnip (sorry, I had to slip that one in there!), etc.; so your friend’s argument that she is on a fixed-income and that she “doesn’t get much to spend” is painfully self-absorbed. You have every right to be upset with her over her attitude, especially if she never offers to reciprocate in any way.

You mention that she is running out of friends, and from the sound of your letter you are ready to close the door on her, too. Before you do that, for the sake of the friendship, offering her some friendly advice could be the nicest thing you could do for her – even if it seems harsh to do so.

The next time the two of you make plans to get together, suggest that this time you each pay your own tab. If your friend is okay with this arrangement, your problem is solved! However, if she complains that she cannot afford it – as I suspect she will – gently point out the fact that the money she spends on books and iTunes cards could more than pay her tab, leaving her some left over for the goodies that you would also like to purchase for yourself, but cannot because you are constantly subsidizing her entertainment budget.

If your friend gets angry or defensive, tell her you mean no offense, but that you feel cheated; that the friendship has turned into a one-way street with all of the benefits going directly towards her. Explain that the books she purchases could probably be borrowed (for free) from the local library; and the iTunes songs she purchases can be heard on the radio or purchased for less through a different mp3 provider, such as Yahoo! Music or Amazon.com, which offers thousands of entire mp3 albums for $5 or less (many are free); and the most current music for the same price or less than what iTunes charges for the same songs. An online radio service like Pandora Internet Radio will allow her to listen to her customized musical tastes for free.

If, after offering these very reasonable suggestions, your friend is still claiming poverty and not willing to pay her own way I would broach the idea that her self-absorption could be what is driving people away; that few people are willing to go to the financial lengths you have to maintain a friendship. This will almost certainly upset her to the point she will push you away, hurling blame at you in order to push it away from where it belongs – squarely upon her.

If things reach this point, the only options remaining will be to continue with the status quo; look for low cost and free forms of entertainment; or choose to take a step back from the friendship and get together/go out places less often. Regardless of your decision, you will at least have had your say on the matter; and given your friend some things to consider. If she continues to believe that there is nothing wrong with her behavior, I predict that she will find herself all the lonelier. Therefore, depending on her age and her health, she may have a very long and lonely life to look forward to if she does not change her ways. This is something you may also want to mention.

Snuggles,
Tazi-Kat