As Uncool As It Sounds, Proper Grammar Is Important

Dear Tazi:

I am at my wit's end with my fourteen year old daughter!  "Sabrina" insists on writing all of her communications - from texts to school writing assignments - in text speak, or worse, LOL speak.  I will admit that it is charming when you kitty-cats do it, but it is sickening seeing my daughter's grades plummet because she thinks it is "cool" to write this way.  She is also starting to speak in street slang; she sounds like a punk!  This is not how she was raised!

My mother-in-law spent her entire career teaching proper English to middle school students (she was an English teacher).  I remember when my husband and I first started dating, how I worked on my grammar so as to impress her with my proper speech, and I have worked to pass the lessons she taught onto Sabrina, but Sabrina just won't listen!  Her grandmother is coming to visit from Florida this Christmas.  It is her first visit since moving two years ago, and I am afraid of what she will think when she asks about Sabrina's grades or offers to proofread her papers - something Sabrina used to love to do with her Grandma.

I have tried to punish Sabrina for her low grades, but nothing works - she continues to use poor grammar because she thinks it is the height of fashion and that "nobody cares about grammar anymore".  She complains that it is boring, old-fashioned, and outdated.  Can you think of a way that I can get my daughter back on track?

Signed,
Not LOL'ing

Dear Not LOL'ing:

It appears that your daughter is trying to fit in with a certain crowd, and hopefully this is merely a phase through which she is going on her way to becoming an independent thinker. I realize from your letter that you hold your mother-in-law in high esteem, and that you fear she will somehow think less of you because of your daughter's sudden change in writing habits.  I think you give your M-I-L far too little credit!  She has been proofreading your daughter's work over the years, and has watched her writing abilities develop.  Could her move to Florida - and subsequent lack of quality time with Sabrina - have brought on Sabrina's changed behavior?  Is it possible that her use of poor grammatical skills is a cry for attention?

I suggest that, in preparation for your M-I-L's visit, you contact her and explain the situation with Sabrina's writing; then, have your M-I-L contact Sabrina about proofreading her work via email and chatting about it through Skype or a webcam.  Both are wonderful ways to keep in touch and to kept the bond between Sabrina and her Grandma strong.  If Sabrina knows that her Grandma will be reading her work her attitude towards grammar may suddenly improve.  It  is my greatest hope that your daughter sees that by writing in text and LOL speak, she is perpetrating the untruth that she is an uneducated dolt.

I also think that it is time that Grandma have a talk with Sabrina about the importance of proper grammar when speaking and writing the English language.  In our ever widening global economy more and more business people are not native speakers of the American language, and proper grammar can make the difference between being understood or unintentionally insulting somebody.

Proper grammar can save a life!

On a personal note,  I would like to say that LOL cats aren't cute because of the way they are shown to speak; they are cute because they are cats!  Furthermore, as you can see by my column, cats do not speak in LOL-Catese.  This is a horrible scam, one that the Great Cat Overlord is working hard on correcting, as you can see here:

P. Tigris only takes the time to speak out on matters of utmost importance.  
The rest of the time he naps.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Bake-Off Offers A Teaching Moment For Grandma and Granddaughter

Dear Tazi:

My eldest granddaughter is fourteen and is interested in baking.  She is very good at following a recipe, but does not yet have enough experience to create recipes of her own.  I know in time she will do just fine, and I am very proud of her skills.  I do a lot to support her, including assisting her with the cost of some of the more expensive ingredients for her cookies, cakes, and pies, and I am always willing to give her an honest opinion on her finished products.

My problem is that "Bethany" would like to enter the Annual Christmas Pie Bake-Off that our church holds every year.  There is a small entry fee, which I will be glad to cover for her, and a "tasting" fee for the public to join in on the fun and choose their favorite pie.  All the money goes to the church, so that they may continue with their missions of the Good Word.

I would be thrilled if Bethany wanted to enter the Bake-Off on her own, but she cannot.  The rules strictly state that all pie recipes must be original to the baker and, as I have already mentioned, Bethany has not yet formulated recipes of her own.  The Bake-Off is only a month away, so Bethany does not have time to try and formulate her own pie recipe. She is aware of this, and has asked me to let her use one of my pie recipes.

Tazi, I do not know what to do about this request!  On the one hand, I would love to see Bethany compete in her first Bake-Off; but on the other hand, I would like to see her do it with her own recipe.  To use my (award-winning) recipe under her name would be cheating!  I realize that all the money raised goes to the church, and one less entrant means that much less money for the church missions, but I don't think cheating is a very Christian way to go about raising that extra money!

Tazi, Bethany has her heart set on entering the Bake-Off this year.  I don't want to tell her no, but I feel like my conscience will bother me too much if I say yes.  What do you suggest, Tazi?

Signed,
Cherry Pie Mess

Dear Cherry Pie Mess:

Mmmmmm.....pie!  Where exactly is this annual Bake-Off?  Is it somewhere in the New England area where I could make Mommie and Daddy drive to and bring me back some pie?  Oh, I am being self-centered again - sorry, I lapsed!

My concern is not for your conscience, but for your granddaughter's.  Does she realize that the contest requires all pie recipes be property of the person entering it?  Before you do anything else, you need to explain this fact to Bethany.  Her response can guide your conscience towards the next step to take.

If Bethany was unaware of the rules and her request was perfectly innocent, is it possible that the two of you enter as one?  You could work together to make the pie and enter as a Grandma-Granddaughter Pie Baking Team!  If I were attending the Bake-Off, I would be perfectly charmed at the idea of two generations spending quality time together for a good cause.

If each entrant must be a solo entrant, in good conscience you must tell Bethany that she cannot use your recipe, but that you could work with her to try and develop her own pie recipe in time for the big event.  The recipe would have to be Bethany's own idea, but you could offer guidance as to what flavors work well together and what flavors do not.  My personal favorite is blueberry-peach pie!  Yummy!

One last possibility is that Bethany is aware of the rules and trying to sneak around them.  If this is the case, you need to have a frank talk with your granddaughter about good sportsmanship and fair play...and then tell her that she is on her own in finding a Bake-Off winning recipe until she shows a better sense of character.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Is Being A "Snobby Mommy" What Is Best For The Child?

Dear Tazi:

I grew up in a middle-class family. My father was a police officer for a major metropolitan area and my mother was a homemaker. Although I never wanted for anything, I always felt like we were “poor” because my mother always complained about the things we could not afford that she wanted – mostly luxury items like a Lincoln Town Car, a four bedroom house, jewelry from Tiffany’s, and other things that held no value to me as a child but can understand as an adult. My Mom wanted a higher social status than our economic status accorded.

Growing up, my Mom always tried to direct me to form friendships with the children of doctors, dentists, lawyers, and other white-collar professionals; she would schedule amazing play-dates when these kids would come over, complete with arts and crafts, ice-cream, and other things that made these play-dates memorable; my “regular” friends from the neighborhood got nothing. Regardless of how great these play dates were, they were almost never reciprocated and the friendships my mother would have preferred I form never happened.

I never realized what my mother was doing until I became a parent myself. Like my father, my husband works in law enforcement and we live a nice, middle-class life. When my daughter started kindergarten this year, my mother approached me about “cultivating the proper friendships” for my daughter and her hope that I will succeed where she failed. Tazi, I was horrified at learning the truth – that my mother tried to use me as a pawn to better her social standing! I told her I refused to use my daughter in such a way, to which she responded that my child will end up no better than me if I do not! Tazi, I am quite happy with my life; I love my husband and cannot imagine being married to anyone but him or living the happy life we currently live. We make sacrifices to send our daughter to a good private school, but that is because our public school system has gone downhill since we bought our house.

I thought I had made myself clear on this issue, but my mother is up to her old tricks again. She has started watching my daughter two afternoons a week to allow me some “me time”. This arrangement was my mother’s idea, but I readily agreed to it because I want my daughter to have a close relationship with her grandparents. I was at the salon last week to get a manicure when I ran into one of the “Snobby Mommies” whose child is in my daughter’s class. She seemed surprised to see me, thinking I would be at home hosting the play date that our children had that afternoon. I was taken aback, but quickly recovered and explained that my mother was watching the children.

I went home early to find my daughter’s play date in full swing, complete with Play-Doh, ice cream, and other fancies that are appropriate for special occasions only. After the Nanny showed up to pick up my daughter’s “friend”, I laid into my Mom about her intentions. She insists that I am somehow leading my daughter down the path of failure by not promoting friendships with her upper/upper-middle class classmates. I think I turned out well in spite of my lack of “cultured” friends, but I realize that times have changed. Is my mother right? Should I be encouraging my daughter to reach beyond our social class?

Signed,

Middle-Class Mom

Dear Middle-Class Mom:

When your mother was a child, there were few opportunities for women who sought a career; women were expected to get married and have children and keep their husbands happy by being good and obedient wives. The man a woman married was often a man she met through friends or other social circles; the divorce rate in the 1950’s was just over 10% and it was not something you discussed in polite conversation, so marriage was for life – for better or worse, for richer or for poorer. From what you write, your mother was hoping to marry for richer and did not, and tried to steer you down a path that she felt would improve your chances of marrying a wealthy man. Please do not feel anger or resentment towards your mother for this – she was raising you in the way that she thought would lead you to the brightest future possible.

Times have changes since your mother married. Women now not only have amazing career opportunities, but many hold positions that are the envy of men – Senators and Representatives in Congress; CEO’s of Fortune 500 companies; even competitive drivers on the NASCAR circuit! While a person’s socio-economic status still plays a part in a person’s future career success, it is no longer the do-all and end-all predictor of how far they will go in life.

As a parent, it is your responsibility to make sure your daughter cultivates healthy childhood friendships with children who like a respect her as a person; your mother’s attempts at bribing children to be friends with your daughter strikes me as a little twisted, but perhaps this is how things were back when she was growing up. If your daughter enjoys spending time with the children your mother invites to these play-dates – and they enjoy spending time with her – then I see no reason why the friendship should not be encouraged. However, I encourage you to treat all of your daughter’s friends the same – regardless of their family’s economic status. This is the point that you must make clear to your mother. If it is not too much trouble, why not have two children over at once, one from the neighborhood and one from school?

Snuggles,

Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Great-Grandma Needs To Keep The Faith!

Dear Tazi:

I am a 92-years-old and a great-grandma, and I am concerned about the state of today’s youth and the world where they live. When I was a young mother the television shows we watched were wholesome, not the trash they have on today; our music was light and breezy and the lyrics were nothing like the smut they sing today; and our clothes covered up what was not meant to be seen!

I raised my children to be ladies and gentlemen and they turned out to be fine adults and good parents, and so did their children; but I still worry about how my great-grandchildren will turn out, what with the Internet being a part of their lives now. When I was young the birds were happy, not angry! Modern Warfare was something you tried to dodge, not a video game to play on your Xbox! Real Housewives were nothing like you see on TV! And if you were gay it meant you were happy, unlike those aforementioned birds of today!

I read your column every day, Tazi, down at the Senior Center where they have the Internet, and you give some good answers to some crazy problems! Other times, the questions people ask are the same issues I had to address when I was raising my children and I like to think how I would answer before reading what you have to say. Some things never change, do they? Sometimes, you have questions to problems my generation never had to ask but my great-grandchildren now do, and I worry about how they are going to act when they get a bit older. If I am still around when that happens, I would like to be able to offer them some good advice that isn’t dated. Do you have any to give so I can be prepared?

Signed,
Great-Grandma Sally

Dear Great-Grandma Sally:

I understand how shocking the culture of today must be for someone who was raised during the Great Depression and the Golden Days of Radio, but with time comes progress and with progress comes change; some of it welcome, some of it not-so-welcome, depending on your point-of-view. If you are remembering the 1950’s as “the good old days” you are probably white, middle-class, and heterosexual and certainly not a working class minority. For those who differed from the accepted ideal of the time, the “good old days weren’t always good”; to complete that unintentional Billy Joel lyric, “tomorrow is not as bad as it seems”.


Hey look! It's Billy Joel when he had hair!

What made your good old days good were the same things that make our current culture good: kindness and respect for others; good manners; a healthy curiosity for the world around us; the desire to make personal gains in life; charity towards others; and a sense of civic duty towards community and country.

If you seek to offer advice to your great-grandchildren, I suggest you give them the same advice you gave your own children, who raised the parents of your great-grandchildren. Whatever advice that was, by your own admission it seems to have worked, since they all grew up to be “fine adults and good parents”. Most problems that humans face are really same, deep down, that prior generations faced; the only difference is that they have been updated to reflect the changes to our broader and more open society.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Bed-Wetting Can Put A Damper On Slumber Party Fun

Dear Tazi:

I am seven years old and have a problem that is not funny. I wet the bed. My best friend is having a slumber party for her birthday next month and I want to go, but I am afraid I will have an accident. My Mommy took me to the doctor to see if she could do anything to help, but the doctor wanted to give me medicine and Mommy said no. I cried on my cat, Fluffy Lady, until my eyes were all red and my nose was stuffy but Mommy still said no to medicine that could help. Could you convince my Mommy to let me take the medicine so I can go to the slumber party?

Signed,
Potty Pooper

P.S. My Nana helped me to write this letter, but I did it almost all on my own!

Dear Potty Pooper:

It is no fun to wet the bed, but I want you to know that it is not your fault! Some children have small bladders that cannot hold a lot, or have weak bladder muscles that let go once the body is relaxed (like when you are asleep).

It was very nice of your Nana to help you write a letter to me! I am guessing that she would like to see you go to your friend's party, even if it means you have to take medicine, huh? This does not mean that your Mommy does not want you to go to the party; just that she does not want you to take medicine, because some medicines can hurt our bodies as well as help them - especially when we are little and still growing. It sounds to me like your Mommy is being very, very careful because she loves you so very much!

My Mommie used to babysit and nanny for a lot of different kids, and she told me that Huggies' GoodNights look just like real underwear and are made to help with bed-wetting. Maybe if your Mommie knows how much the slumber party means to you, she will buy you some to wear for this special occasion? Normally, I do not like to endorse products in my column ("endorse" is a big word for telling people to buy stuff), but my Mommie says GoodNights really work well! Dry beds in the morning, and no painful rashes, either!

Maybe if you and your Nana show your Mommy this letter, she will agree to this solution, and let you go to the party.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. Please give Fluffy Lady a snuggle from me, too! She sounds like a very good pet to let you cry all over her!



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Repost: Tazi's Corner #63 - In Memory And Praise Of Grandparents

Dear Readers:

The loss of a grandparent is never easy, but when we are children those losses are easier to take; we have not had enough time to get to know our grandparents as full and real people; they are just our grandparents, those old people that always seem to have time for us when Mom and Dad don’t. Many of us who lost our grandparents when we were very young only come to realize their importance in our lives after we have children of our own and see them frolicking with our parents, their grandparents. As my own Mommie said as she eulogized her Grandpa, “as children, we have more respect for our grandparents because unlike our parents, grandparents have always been old, so we don’t know how much time we are going to have with them; to a child, a grandparent could go at any time, so we appreciate them more”.

It was nineteen years ago this month that my Mommie lost her maternal Grandma to a valiant battle with breast cancer. This week would have been her birthday, so I am printing an essay she wrote that first year without her Grandma (because her Grandma was a cat person, God bless her soul!). Almost twenty years later, the words still ring true.

Snuggles,

Tazi

 In Memory of Bridget Jenny (Winiarski) Dybala 

October 30, 1921 -August 16, 1995 

My grandmother, Birdie (Winiarski) Dybala was a woman of many talents. No, she never performed a triple lutz for the Olympic gold, never hit a game-winning home run, or ran for a touchdown in the final seconds of overtime...she was not a great orator, a famous movie star, or even a career woman. Nor did she make millions of dollars designing clothes, founding a dot-com, or publishing a popular magazine that tells women they aren't good enough as they are. Her talents were much more valuable to society than any of that. She was a homemaker - a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, an aunt, a niece, a grandmother...and a friend. And she excelled at all she did.

As a wife Birdie took care of her husband, making sure that his house was well tended, his children well raised, and his good name enhanced by her actions. As a mother, she raised her four children by example, bringing them up to be upstanding members of society. She gave then wings to fly, and kept a nest for them to call home. Birdie Dybala was many things to many people, but it is as a grandmother that I knew her best.

Growing up, I spent as much time at my Grandma's house as I did at my own - or at least it felt that way. Sunny days were spent running through what seemed like (and probably was) acres of backyard, playing by the brook and the frog pond, picking wild blueberries, watching the neighbors tend their beehives, and walking through the woods to "the mucky river", a sewage drop off that was owned by the city and abutted her land. For some reason, the site that was this dumping ground fascinated me as only a child could be fascinated by that which society deems garbage.

On summer days, when the city pool was open, my brother and our best friends would go to swim, and then run around the corner to Grandma's house for lunch - there were no kids our age in Grandma's neighborhood, so she didn't mind when we "imported" them from our own. Nor did she mind when my younger cousins and I chased Frosty, her cat, under the couch in our attempts to cuddle him - but she never yelled at Frosty, either, for scratching us in self-defense. Although her grandchildren could do no wrong, she was a firm believer in personal responsibility. It is a lesson that sticks with me to this day...and makes me wish that my Grandma could have influenced more people than just those of her surrounding circle.

This is how I best remember Frosty!

I remember holidays at Grandma's house - every Easter, my cousin "M." used to try and "jump the brook" - a ribbon of water only three feet wide, but the Grand Canyon of my hometown to a young, mischievous child. Inevitably, he would fall into the water, shoes and all...but Grandma never got angry with him for messing up his good clothes. She believed that when a parent was around, discipline was their job - and that it was a Grandma's job to make everything all better. And she always did.

No matter what the problem, my grandmother always knew how to fix it (and the solution generally involved a bowl of her famous home-made chicken soup!). Seriously, though...sometimes, she would tell us what we wanted to hear, knowing that the problem was one that would solve itself in time; other times, she told us what we needed to hear. The Wisdom of Solomon she did posses, but never did she give unsolicited advice. She knew if she was patient, we would eventually confide in her. After all, she was Grandma! And boy, weren't we surprised to find out she knew things we thought were a "secret".

As I grew older, I became the stereotypical sullen teenager - with everyone, even Grandma. The only difference was, with her I felt guilty about it and worked to change my attitude...because never once did Grandma lose her temper with me; never once did she walk away to give me some "alone time"; never once did she make me feel like I had done something wrong when my fluctuating hormones were in fact to blame. In fact, she did just the opposite - she worked harder to be supportive and understanding of me. And anyone who has ever been or has ever known a 13-year old girl knows how downright impossible that can be to even try, let alone accomplish! But Grandma did it! Not only with me, but also with all her other grandchildren!

Grandma also indulged my child-like side, taking me to see Disney movies that I was "too old" to go see with my friends (it just wasn't "cool"!)...and she would let me publicly blame her for "dragging me to see them" when my friends caught me enjoying it!

Whenever I needed a ride to or from an after-school activity, it was Grandma who was there to chauffeur me; whenever it rained (or was even cloudy for that matter) it was Grandma who helped me with my paper-route; and when I decided 5 days before my 9th grade formal that I wanted to go after all, it was Grandma who helped Mom to sew my dress, and got it completed on time for the big night.

After I learned to drive, I made sure to visit Grandma frequently, as I missed my after-school time with her. She always made my teenage angst seem minimal. I always felt safe when I was with Grandma, like no hurt could ever touch me - not my parents divorce, not missing out on the lead in the school play because I was too young, not the heartbreak of the boy I liked turning me down for my senior prom...

My Grandma had a way of making everyone she came in contact with feel special. I still remember the time, when I was about four years old, that I complained I was too young to ever get mail. She started saving all the junk mail that came to her house. If it was addressed to "Occupant" or "Resident" it was mine!

By high school, though, I was starting to receive mail of my own in the form of college catalogs - more than I could handle, and in more ways than one. Did I leave my home to move across the country? Would my grades be good enough to get into my top choice school? How was I going to pay for it all? Grandma's responses were, "No", "Yes", and "Don't worry about it". Had my Guidance Counselor said all that, I would have given him a withering look...but when Grandma said it, I could tell she meant it. I think it was her sincerity that was so comforting to me - and during the first few weeks of my freshman year, when I caught sick with meningitis, I learned that no matter what the distance, Grandma would be there to take care of me when I needed her. It comforts me that I was able to return the kindness a few years later, when she took sick with the cancer that eventually took her from my family and me.

Grandma died before she could see me walk across the stage to receive my (first) degree, but I know she was there in spirit as well as in my heart. It was always her dream for me to complete my schooling and to follow my dreams - wherever they led me, as long as they didn't lead me too far from my family...or from her. And I am proud to say that she is with me even more now than she was back then.

My Grandma raised me according to her values - which, when I was young I found to be hopelessly old-fashioned. Now, as an adult, I don't find them to be hopeless; and I see nothing wrong with "old-fashioned". Living my life according to my Grandma's ways has helped me earn the respect of others - and the respect of myself. 

She taught me that having standout domestic skills does not make me any less of a feminist; and that being a feminist does not make me any less feminine.

She taught me to work hard for what I wish to achieve, to never settle, but to make sure that what I am working for is what I really want.

She taught me that, as a woman, it is possible for me to have a career and a family - but was honest enough to let me know that it is nearly impossible to do justice to both. Choose wisely.

She taught me to stand up for myself and in what I believe - even if it is not the popular choice.

She taught me to never allow a man to push me around, physically or mentally.

She taught me to be chaste enough to not only be respected by men, but by other women as well.

But most importantly, my Grandma taught me that when you love someone enough, you want to do for them...that no matter how much they anger you, you will always be able to keep your temper in check and your voice down...that with love, even the biggest problems can be shrunk down to size...and that a bowl of home-made chicken soup can really put life's problems into a manageable prospective.

KJM

1996

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Divorced Mom Prefers Cutting Ties Over Mending Seams

Dear Tazi:

For some reason, my ex-mother-in-law seems to think I want to maintain a relationship with her, even though I have divorced her abusive son.  She claims that her son’s behavior is no reflection on who she is as a parent, and that she wishes to have a healthy relationship with the mother of her grandchildren.

Tazi, I have no plans on withholding access to my children from her, so long as she respects the restraining order the judge granted against her son.  I do have plans to move on with my life by cutting ties with him and the people who raised this abusive monster – namely his parents.  I have expressed this to my ex-MIL in countless ways, but she is still trying to “mend our severed relationship”.  How do I get it through to her that I have no desire to patch the threadbare cloth that remains of our family connection?

Signed,

Through With Them All

Dear Through With Them All:

I am confused.  I understand that you do not wish to have a relationship with your ex-mother-in-law, but you are willing to give her unsupervised visitation with your children?  Are your children teenagers?  This is the only scenario that I can find acceptable in a situation like this!

The fact that the judge granted your children a restraining order against their father tells me that his abuse must have had a gravely negative affect on them.  You trust their grandmother to honor the restraining order and keep her son away from the kids?  Am I missing something?

I realize that your ex-husband’s parents raised him, but to blame them for creating an “abusive monster” goes a little too far.  People have free will, and they can accept or reject the lessons they have been taught; that you consider your ex-MIL a good enough Grandma to have unsupervised visitation tells me that you do not consider her a bad influence.  Put plainly, you cannot have it both ways.

I think your ex-MIL’s desire to have a healthy relationship with the mother of her grandchildren is natural, and a wise move on her part; she is putting the needs of the children first, and from the scant information included in your letter, I am inferring that your children need to see that the grown-ups they love can still get along with each other.  I am not saying that you and your ex-MIL need to become bosom buddies, but occasionally staying for coffee and discussing the children’s visit upon picking them up should not be out of the question.  Putting your children’s welfare before your own personal dislikes will not go unnoticed by those who need to see it the most.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Generous Gift Offer Declined Due To Strings That Are Attached

Dear Tazi:

As a high school graduation gift – and in order to encourage her to make wise economical and educational decisions – I offered to pay for my granddaughter’s first two years of college if she chose to attend one of our state’s public colleges or universities, with the offer to pay the remaining two years if she stayed at the state school (or within the state system) and kept her grades high enough to attain placement on the Dean’s List each semester. This decision was not made lightly, but with the memory of sending my own daughter (her mother) and both of my sons off to school at fancy private colleges, and paying upwards of $20,000 apiece for it, only to see them return home after one year – for various reasons – and graduate from state colleges for less than the cost of one year at their original schools.

My granddaughter feels that my offer is not fair, and that I am trying to control her life. She has requested that I give her the money I would spend on her first two years tuition at a state school to apply to the tuition at a fancy private college that costs in the vicinity of $50,000 a year. This particular school is far from home (three to four hours by plane) and my granddaughter, in my opinion, still has some growing up to do before she is ready to be on her own in a new city. For all of these reasons mentioned, I denied her request. Because of this, I am apparently the worst Grandpa that has ever lived.

I am considering rescinding the offer of paying for her schooling, and giving her a graduation gift of similar value in the form of a 10-year government bond. Upon maturation it would be worth close to $100,000 and could be put towards the purchase of a house or other real estate. My one concern is that, without my tuition assistance, my headstrong granddaughter may skip college altogether – which I would hate to see happen – or sign her life away into a morass of student loan debt in order to attend her first-choice school – debt that would most certainly destroy the nest egg a bond would provide. I do not wish to make the same mistake with my granddaughter as I did with her mother (and her uncles), but at the same time I do not want to see my granddaughter rush headlong into a mistake of her own making. She is my only grandchild and my hope for the future of all that I have worked for in life. I would like an outside opinion, Tazi.

Signed,
Grandpa Jim

Dear Grandpa Jim:

You are a generous Grandpa, indeed! A college education is a priceless gift, and the offer you present to your granddaughter just challenging enough to make certain that she keeps her life on the right track. You strike a good balance between generosity (two years, no strings) and business (two years, Dean’s List). You are investing in your granddaughter’s future, so you should be allowed some say in how that investment is treated.

Your granddaughter, on the other hand, sees this offer as a gift – which is how you have presented it – and gifts should come with no strings attached. By putting conditions on your support, your granddaughter sees you as attempting to control her life. May I suggest a compromise of sorts?

Get your granddaughter something completely different for her high school graduation present. A pre-paid debit card to be used towards her first year’s textbooks is a generous gift (around the $1,000 range, depending on what she is studying) but nowhere near the level of major financial investment. Once the gift issue is off the table, you can sit down with your granddaughter and discuss all that you have mentioned to me in your letter. If possible, I would suggest having your daughter there, too; to moderate, should the conversation start to get heated.

Explain to your granddaughter that your original tuition offer still stands, no longer as a gift but as a business arrangement. As an investor, you have an offer to make her; and she, as the person seeking funding, can either accept or reject your terms – but not alter them in any way. Allow her some time to think things over before asking for her decision. If she decides to attend her first choice college, take comfort in the fact that she thought things through before jumping into the abyss of the unknown.

Allow your granddaughter the chance to make her own mistakes – she will never be able to grow otherwise. By the end of her freshman year, you may be surprised to find your granddaughter thriving at this far away school, and earning scholarships and academic accolades that will bring honor to both her and your family (and if this turns out to be the case, I am hoping you will be willing to consider your granddaughter’s counter-offer of a lump sum towards her tuition at this school). If your granddaughter discovers that her dream school has turned into a nightmare, resist the urge to say I told you so and please find it in your heart to re-present your generous offer.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. My Mommie is in the market for a new Grandpa, since hers passed away several years ago! Care to adopt her? (Just kidding!) –T.K.



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

It Can Be Difficult To Practice What Is Preached - Especially When Money Is At Stake

Dear Tazi:

I have been raised Baptist, but am considering changing my religion to become a Buddhist. I have been studying the lessons of Buddha in my Eastern Philosophy class this semester, and I can really relate to them - much better than I can relate to my own religion. The problem is, as I am sure you can guess, breaking the news to my family; especially my grandparents, who are pretty devout...and pretty rich. I am pretty certain they would disavow me from their will, which right now leaves me a pretty hefty inheritance. As you can see, the situation is not pretty at all.

I have considered converting and just not telling my family about it until after my grandparents (who are quite elderly) have passed, but this feels dishonest. Maybe I should simply wait until after they have passed to convert? What do you think I should do, Tazi?

Signed,
Seeking Inner Peace

Dear Seeking Inner Peace:

There is a lot I could say with regard to your letter, but I will keep it simple and respond with a quote from Buddha himself: A jug fills drop by drop. I don't mean to sound as confounding as Buddha; but if I am, let me explain further: You are at an age where you are starting to question everything, most especially the beliefs with which you were raised, as you seek to exercise your free will. You have been raised in the Baptist church your whole life - and that is a lot of drops in your jug - whereas you have studied Buddhism for all of one semester; that is very few drops. A jug fills drop by drop.

The tone of your letter tells me that you are not yet ready to own your decision to convert to Buddhism; which means you are not yet ready to convert. It is also obvious that you are not ready to let go of the physical (money) wonders of your world and experience the esoteric (spiritual) wonders of Buddhism, which also means that you are not ready to convert to Buddhism. Rather than make the radical decision to change your religion, why not try and incorporate the beliefs of Buddhism into your daily life? They are compatible with all religious beliefs (with the glaring exception of Satanism) and can help to improve your relationship with yourself as well as with others. Remember, as Buddha said, "However many holy words you read, however many you speak, what good will they do you if you do not act on upon them?".

In time, if you find that you want a more active relationship with Buddhism, that will be the time to delve deeper into the idea of a conversion.

Snuggles,
Tazi

With appreciation to BrainyQuote.com for the wise words of Buddha Shakyamuni. --T.K.


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Man's All Play Attitude Catches Up To Him; Leaves His In A Dangerous Spot

Dear Tazi:

My adult son, "Jimmy" is 43, and thinks he is still the greatest thing since sliced bread. Admittedly, he was a very attractive young man; but years of smoking, heavy drinking, and hard partying have robbed him of his looks. Unfortunately, he does not realize this and thinks he is still God's gift to women.

This past Christmas season, Jimmy's long-time girlfriend (and mother of his son) "Joanie" got tired of waiting around for the wedding ring he promised her no later than three years ago. She packed up her stuff and moved out of state, taking my five-year-old grandson with her. Because they were always a couple, Jimmy and Joanie never went to court to establish custody rights, so I believe Joanie is within her rights to move away with their son. Jimmy has not seen this situation as a wake-up call to put his partying ways behind him and honor Joanie and their son by getting married and becoming a family man. Rather, he responded to my criticism by telling me he was "getting bored with Joanie, anyway" and was "tired of always having to babysit" his son. I am so angry with him, I can't even see straight! As if all of this was not bad enough, here comes the reason I am writing to you:

Jimmy has not offered any money for child-support, arguing that he does not get to see his son so why should he pay support? Joanie has threatened to sue for child-support if Jimmy does not agree to a reasonable, contracted amount to send on a weekly basis. I know that child-support is based upon the income a person has reported on their tax returns; I also know that Jimmy - who owns his own successful contracting company - has not paid taxes in over a decade, business or personal. If Jimmy ends up going to court, his lack of tax returns could lead to criminal charges of tax evasion. Due to his partying ways, Jimmy has not saved a dime of his earnings and there is no way he would be able to pay his tax debt, plus penalties. My late husband left me some life-insurance monies, but this was to be used for my own security in retirement. Jimmy does not know that I have this money, so I have not felt obligated to offer it. I am so confused as to what I should do, because Jimmy has ignored Joanie's demands, shrugging and saying "Let her sue. I have no proof of income!" Help!

Signed,
Worried To Pieces

Dear Worried To Pieces:

The fact that your son has not paid child-support - or taxes - is unnerving, to put it mildly. You are right to be concerned about your son's plight, but please do not put your financial security at risk for someone who has squandered their own - even if it is your own son. The fact that Jimmy "owns his own successful contracting company" tells me that his tax burden will be a big one - income taxes (Federal and state); social security taxes; and business taxes will all be owed, along with interest and penalties. Your son's tax burden could easily top $200,000, considering that he has not paid taxes "in over a decade"; which is why the first thing he needs to do is contact a good tax attorney and hope against hope that there is a way to file accurate tax returns for the past decade or more. Your son does not sound like the responsible type so I doubt he has any kind of paperwork or receipts documenting his income and expenses.

April 15th is quickly approaching!

In spite of your son's claim that he has "no proof of income", unless all of his clients have paid him cash there will be a paper trail - cashed checks, business records/filed receipts, tax write-offs from those who paid him to make improvements to home or business, and payroll receipts (if he has anybody working for him). The fact that Joanie was with your son for at least three of these past ten years leads me to believe she knows roughly how much your son earned from his business; any additional information she can provide (names of clients, job sites, etc.) will tell her attorney where to start digging for information.

My advice to you is to show your son this letter, and spell out for him what he is not seeing: that his past has caught up with him, and unless he wants to spend the foreseeable future in a jail cell, he will first honor Joanie's request for child-support and second work on putting his financial house in order. It is long past time for Jimmy to grow up!

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. One does not "babysit" their own child! It's called "parenting", and I hope you made this fact clear to your son! --T.K.

Time With Grandparents Can Become Cherished Moments, Memories

Dear Tazi:

I am twelve years old but my grandmother, who I have to visit once a week, still treats me like a five year old. A few weeks ago when it rained we saw a rainbow and she suggested we walk to where it ended to look for the pot of gold at the end of it. Duh! Maybe I would have believed that when I was a kid, but that is baby stuff.

“Gram” does all sorts of stupid stuff like that, like asking me what I want Santa to bring me for Christmas or if the Tooth Fairy gave me extra money when I lost my last baby tooth a few months ago. When I tell her to stop treating me like such a baby she tells me to stop acting so grown up and enjoy being a child. I am not a child anymore! I am going to be thirteen soon and wearing makeup and even going on dates! Why can’t my Gram see this?

Signed,

Belle

Dear Belle:

I believe that your grandmother does see that you are growing up and that you are not a child anymore, which is why she is trying to hold onto that magical time when you were little and enjoyed taking long walks with your grandmother or snuggling with her and telling her you your secrets and dreams.

I suggest that you try and meet your grandmother halfway and indulge her when she suggests you follow the rainbow to its end; offer her a wry smile and say something like, “I doubt we will find my college fund, but a walk with my Gram sounds nice”. Before you know it the memories you make will be among your most treasured. You may be growing up, but your grandmother is growing older. It is written in the Bible that “no one knows when that day or hour will come” when the Lord will call us home (Matthew 24:36), so indulge your grandmother now and later you may discover later that you have actually indulged yourself.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Neighbor's Yard Is Not The Place To Drop Your Dog's Droppings!

Dear Tazi:

I have a neighbor who allows his dog to relieve itself on my lawn.  This neighbor is not even courteous enough to pick up his dog’s droppings – he just leaves them there for me.  The worst part?  My neighbor owns a Saint Bernard, so the droppings are enormous. 

I know that you addressed this issue once before – and suggested that the homeowner gather the feces for delivery to the dog owner’s yard – but I get sick to my stomach just approaching the droppings.  The smell and the texture turn my stomach.  I am an elderly woman and do not have the strength to lift a large shovel that would put some distance between me and the offending product, and I do not have the extra money to spend on a Pooper Scooper – besides, it should be the dog owner’s financial responsibility, not mine.  I hate to bother the Sherriff’s office with such a trivial matter, but it is not trivial to me!  My granddaughter told me to ask myself, “What would Tazi do?” which is how I discovered your charming column, so I am asking: What would you do, Tazi?

Signed,

Grandma Minnie

Dear Grandma Minnie:

First, I would jump in your lap for a nice big cuddle!  Grandmas make for the best cuddles! 

Next, I would show you a copy of this blog post by Publicly Painful, so you would know that you are not alone in your problem; then, I would call the Sherriff’s office and file a complaint against the dog owner.  Your problem is not trivial to you, and as a taxpayer you have every right to utilize the services of local law enforcement to protect your property and peace of mind. 

What your neighbor is doing is probably against the law – most municipalities have laws about cleaning up your dog droppings.  These laws exist for several reasons; aside from aesthetics it is important to clean up domestic droppings because it attracts rats.  That’s right!  Rats eat dog poop – as well as other nasty stuff.  Why do you think they live in the sewers?  Your neighbor is leaving a steaming pile of trouble on your front lawn; the Sherriff’s office can see to it that this (comparatively) small problem does not get any bigger.  Have courage and your problem will be taken care of by those with the authority to do it!

Snuggles,

Tazi

P.S.  The original letter was about a cat, but thank you for reading it!  Your interest is appreciated! --T.K.


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Anger Management Is Easier With Family Support

Dear Tazi:

I have issues with anger management. Every little thing sets me off, from someone tapping their heels on the floor and making an annoying noise to crying children. I used to drink to take the edge off of my anger, but that backfired and made me even easier to anger. I didn't realize I had a problem because my family always accommodated me; I thought they truly were the ones with the problem and were right to apologize for angering me.

Last week, my youngest daughter told me that she is planning to come in from California for a working vacation (she is self-employed) and would like to visit with me and her mother. I told her how excited I was to be seeing her and that I was looking forward to seeing my six-year-old granddaughter when she told me that there was a problem with that. She told me that "Johanna" said she is "afraid of Grampy" because the last time I saw her - two years ago - I yelled at her for singing a dilly song while I was trying to catch the sports scores on TV.

Tazi, I had no idea how harmful my behavior was, or that it would make such a lasting impression on such a young child. Nobody made a big deal of things at the time, and I thought no further of it. My wife and I have always sent birthday and Christmas cards to Johanna, and even talked with her on Skype and my daughter has never let on that Johanna was afraid of me. My daughter explained that while looking through pictures of her last visit Johanna remembered how badly I had scared her.

My daughter has told me that she will not keep Johanna from me, but that we need to meet on neutral territory - like at a playground or other child-friendly location. Tazi, I would do anything to undo the damage I have done to my granddaughter's psyche. I seriously and truly regret the way I snapped at her two years ago, and have offered apologies to her, telling her I was "a mean Grampy, and won't do it again". However, I am afraid that will not be a promise I can keep if I am placed in a child-friendly area like a playground or children's restaurant. Groups of loud, unruly children set me on edge.

I have asked my daughter if we can meet at my house or even a regular restaurant, but she is firm in keeping the location "child friendly". I am seeking counseling for my anger issues, but I am not sure I have reached the point where I can be around such a large trigger. Must I forego a visit with my granddaughter until I am ready to be in a child-friendly atmosphere? I have no idea how long this will take, and I desperately want to see my grandchild.

Signed,
(Reforming) Mean Old Grampy

Dear (Reforming) Mean Old Grampy:

I give you a lot of credit for accepting your role in this whole scenario; accepting responsibility for your actions is one of the major steps to managing your anger. Rather than ditch the idea of meeting your granddaughter, I suggest that you talk to your daughter in terms of your recovery. Nobody would blame a recovering alcoholic for refusing to meet someone at the hotel bar, yet your daughter is asking you to step into a loaded environment - similar to how a hotel bar would affect a recovering alcoholic.

Would you make this guy angry on purpose?

Explain to your daughter that you are seeking help for your temper and have made strides towards both understanding and controlling your anger, and that it is because you understand your triggers (such as groups of loud, uncontrolled children) that you recognize that a child-friendly environment like she has in mind would not be the best place for you to reconnect with your granddaughter.

Would a picnic in a wide, open park area be a good compromise for you? A park offers enough space that the noise of other children would not carry as it does in an enclosed space (like a playground or child-friendly restaurant) and would allow your granddaughter the open space she needs to feel safe. Maybe an afternoon fishing at a local lake would be a nice way fore you and Johanna to reconnect? You could make it a family affair, with your wife and daughter, too. I suggest that you and your daughter settle on a quiet, relaxing, but fun-for-all-ages activity that would defuse the stress of the situation for both you and Johanna.

Recovery is not a process that can be undertaken alone; with your daughter's support, you will be able to build a relationship with Johanna...and even rebuild your relationship with your daughter, who I am certain bears emotional scars of her own.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Nay-Saying Nana Wants Grandson To Say "No" To Navy Enlistment

Dear Tazi Kat:

My wonderful grandson is about to make the biggest mistake of his life! He is turning 18 next month, is set to graduate high school in May, and has decided that school is not for him and that he wants to join the military. He will sign now, and they will take him away after he graduates this spring. I just know he will be sent overseas to fight and die in some foreign country for U.S. oil interests! How in the world can I talk him out of this decision?

“Joey” has never been the best student, but that is because he does not apply himself to his studies. He has always preferred having a good time to studying, so his grades do not reflect his true potential. I have offered to pay for his continued education at a community college, until his grades are high enough to get into a better school, but he has refused my offer. Joey says that the Navy will give him the kind of education that he cannot get from a schoolbook; that it will help him to become a man; and that maybe after his tour of duty is up he will be ready to return to school for a degree – on the G.I. bill, so his education will be free.

I asked Joey point-blank if he was trying to run away from trouble, but he denied any problems and insisted that his decision to enlist is of his own free will. I reminded him that his girlfriend might not be willing to wait for a man who might not come home, but he brushed off that concern, too. There is just no getting through to the boy! Again, Tazi-Kat, how in the world can I talk my grandson out of this devastatingly bad decision?

Signed,
Nay-saying Nana

Dear Nay-saying Nana:

At almost 18, your grandson is no longer a “boy”, but a man – albeit a young one – who is capable of making his own decisions. The decision that “school is not for him” is not one that was made overnight, but through years of required education to which he has not “applied himself”. To send him to community college is to attempt to extend an adolescence that your grandson is currently happy to leave behind.

The decision to enlist in the military is a scary one for families to face, especially in a time of world-wide political unrest. If it comforts you at all, remember that countries with “U.S. oil interests” are landlocked, and do not sponsor a national Navy of their own [Ed. Note: This is what Tazi's Mommie's cousin told her to stop her from worrying so much when he was deployed to the Gulf]. This is not to say that your grandson will not face danger as a Seaman in the U.S. Navy; but it is his free-will choice to risk that danger in order to protect the United States and our interests overseas. If I were his grandparent, I would be proud of his decision to put country above self.

I am afraid there is no talking your grandson out of his decision to enlist in the Navy; but there are ways for you to come to terms with his decision and to learn to be more supportive of it – even if you honestly believe it is a “devastatingly bad” one. There are many support groups for the family members our military members leave back home when they report for service, including Operation Home Front for the families of soldiers deployed overseas and the National Military Family Association, to name a few.

In time, the uncertainty of where your grandson will be stationed and what he will be doing will melt away when a structured daily routine develops. Use this time before your grandson’s official leave date to speak to him about his goals, and what he hopes the Navy will do for him. Listen with an open mind, and an open heart, and do your best to be supportive of him. Once you educate yourself about what awaits your grandson, you may find yourself feeling a sense of pride as opposed to a sense of dread. I wish you both nothing but the best!

--Tazi-Kat