Birth Control, Sex Life A Private Matter

Dear Tazi:

My husband and I are having an argument over an embarrassing topic, and we need a neutral third party to settle it. I cannot take birth control pills because they make me sick; I hate the way a diaphragm feels; and an IUD is too expensive. My husband "Xander" will not have a vasectomy, so as a solution to this problem we use condoms. Because we are married, we don't want the whole world to know this - like I said, it is embarrassing.

On our last trip to the local drugstore to pick up a few prescriptions and what not, Xander decided to grab a large box of Trojan vibrating condoms (which is not what we use!) and loudly ask me from ten feet away, "Honey, do we need more condoms?" as he shook the box for emphasis. Angry and humiliated, I shouted back, "No dear; we still have plenty at home!". Xander feels that in saying this, I was announcing to the entire (rather crowded) store that we don't have sex very often; I feel that he basically announced to the store that we have a kinky sex life and that we are constantly going at each other. At this point, I do not want Xander touching me until he apologizes; but he feels that I owe him an apology. Who do you think is right, Tazi?

Signed,
Holding Out

Dear Holding Out:

Your story reminds me of one my Mommie once heard, while working in a pharmacy. A woman shyly walked in to buy a box of condoms, and the pharmacist asked her "what size?", referring to the size package she wanted. The woman, not understanding the question, responded, "Well, to tell you the truth, my husband is on the small side..."

I share this story with you so that you and Xander can see that there are much more memorable conversations that occur at the pharmacy, and that your tiff probably does not even make it into the Top 10! Xander was wrong to make such a public announcement in a crowded store, knowing that you would prefer to keep your method of birth control a private matter. A Tazi Paw Tap of Disgust to his nose for breaking your confidence!

I have to add, though, that your smart-remark right back to Xander, while difficult to resist, obviously hurt his feelings. If this is the first time that Xander has broken your confidence, I would let it slide and offer an apology to him in return for an apology from him. Once apologies have been given, I suggest you kiss and make-up. Marriage is difficult enough without holding a grudge over a bruised ego.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Is Being A "Snobby Mommy" What Is Best For The Child?

Dear Tazi:

I grew up in a middle-class family. My father was a police officer for a major metropolitan area and my mother was a homemaker. Although I never wanted for anything, I always felt like we were “poor” because my mother always complained about the things we could not afford that she wanted – mostly luxury items like a Lincoln Town Car, a four bedroom house, jewelry from Tiffany’s, and other things that held no value to me as a child but can understand as an adult. My Mom wanted a higher social status than our economic status accorded.

Growing up, my Mom always tried to direct me to form friendships with the children of doctors, dentists, lawyers, and other white-collar professionals; she would schedule amazing play-dates when these kids would come over, complete with arts and crafts, ice-cream, and other things that made these play-dates memorable; my “regular” friends from the neighborhood got nothing. Regardless of how great these play dates were, they were almost never reciprocated and the friendships my mother would have preferred I form never happened.

I never realized what my mother was doing until I became a parent myself. Like my father, my husband works in law enforcement and we live a nice, middle-class life. When my daughter started kindergarten this year, my mother approached me about “cultivating the proper friendships” for my daughter and her hope that I will succeed where she failed. Tazi, I was horrified at learning the truth – that my mother tried to use me as a pawn to better her social standing! I told her I refused to use my daughter in such a way, to which she responded that my child will end up no better than me if I do not! Tazi, I am quite happy with my life; I love my husband and cannot imagine being married to anyone but him or living the happy life we currently live. We make sacrifices to send our daughter to a good private school, but that is because our public school system has gone downhill since we bought our house.

I thought I had made myself clear on this issue, but my mother is up to her old tricks again. She has started watching my daughter two afternoons a week to allow me some “me time”. This arrangement was my mother’s idea, but I readily agreed to it because I want my daughter to have a close relationship with her grandparents. I was at the salon last week to get a manicure when I ran into one of the “Snobby Mommies” whose child is in my daughter’s class. She seemed surprised to see me, thinking I would be at home hosting the play date that our children had that afternoon. I was taken aback, but quickly recovered and explained that my mother was watching the children.

I went home early to find my daughter’s play date in full swing, complete with Play-Doh, ice cream, and other fancies that are appropriate for special occasions only. After the Nanny showed up to pick up my daughter’s “friend”, I laid into my Mom about her intentions. She insists that I am somehow leading my daughter down the path of failure by not promoting friendships with her upper/upper-middle class classmates. I think I turned out well in spite of my lack of “cultured” friends, but I realize that times have changed. Is my mother right? Should I be encouraging my daughter to reach beyond our social class?

Signed,

Middle-Class Mom

Dear Middle-Class Mom:

When your mother was a child, there were few opportunities for women who sought a career; women were expected to get married and have children and keep their husbands happy by being good and obedient wives. The man a woman married was often a man she met through friends or other social circles; the divorce rate in the 1950’s was just over 10% and it was not something you discussed in polite conversation, so marriage was for life – for better or worse, for richer or for poorer. From what you write, your mother was hoping to marry for richer and did not, and tried to steer you down a path that she felt would improve your chances of marrying a wealthy man. Please do not feel anger or resentment towards your mother for this – she was raising you in the way that she thought would lead you to the brightest future possible.

Times have changes since your mother married. Women now not only have amazing career opportunities, but many hold positions that are the envy of men – Senators and Representatives in Congress; CEO’s of Fortune 500 companies; even competitive drivers on the NASCAR circuit! While a person’s socio-economic status still plays a part in a person’s future career success, it is no longer the do-all and end-all predictor of how far they will go in life.

As a parent, it is your responsibility to make sure your daughter cultivates healthy childhood friendships with children who like a respect her as a person; your mother’s attempts at bribing children to be friends with your daughter strikes me as a little twisted, but perhaps this is how things were back when she was growing up. If your daughter enjoys spending time with the children your mother invites to these play-dates – and they enjoy spending time with her – then I see no reason why the friendship should not be encouraged. However, I encourage you to treat all of your daughter’s friends the same – regardless of their family’s economic status. This is the point that you must make clear to your mother. If it is not too much trouble, why not have two children over at once, one from the neighborhood and one from school?

Snuggles,

Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

True Beauty Comes From The Inside; A Beautiful Face Is A Bonus

Dear Tazi:

My boyfriend of several years, "Barry" is a bartender. He works in a nightclub that is known for its fights, due to differing ethnic backgrounds (that don't get along) who both like to hang out there and call the place their ground. About six months ago, a raging brawl broke out. Barry was working that night and tried to calm things down before the cops arrived and got caught in the middle. He was struck in the face by a broken beer bottle, and had his cheek sliced open, from the top of his jaw diagonally down to his chin. The doctors say he was very lucky not to have incurred any major nerve damage and the only evidence of his ordeal is a long, jagged scar that runs the length of his face. It is this scar that is the problem.

Before this fight, Barry was a very handsome man. Now, the scar makes him look like a thug. I can't stand looking at him and seeing that nasty, jagged reminder of that awful fight! Because the scar is on his face, he was well-compensated by the worker's compensation insurance; and his health insurance will pay for any plastic surgery to have it removed. I have told Barry my feelings on the matter - that I would like to see the scar taken care of - but Barry has refused to undergo reconstructive or laser surgery to have it removed. He says the scar adds "character" and that he has learned to live it with it. I am not sure that I can learn to live with it, Tazi. I have told Barry this, but he just shrugs me off; he says that it is his face, so it is his decision. Don't I have a say, Tazi? I am the one who has to look at him! I know that sounds mean, but this scar is very upsetting to me!

Signed,
Scarface's Girlfriend

Dear Scarface's Girlfriend:

What is it exactly that bothers you about this scar? Are you upset that it has marred Barry's once perfect face? Or is the scar a difficult reminder of the night your boyfriend could have been killed in a bar-fight? You need to be honest with yourself when answering this question, for Barry's sake and well as the sake of your relationship with him.

To answer your question as to whether or not you have a say in the matter of Barry's scar, my answer is "maybe" - it all depends on what you want to say. If the scar is upsetting to you because it reminds you of the violent attack your boyfriend suffered, you need to explain this to him. Barry should then try to work with you in getting past this emotional trauma; because I am certain the attack was no picnic for him, either. This bonding experience could bring back your closeness as a couple.

If the scar is upsetting you because you think it makes your boyfriend look ugly - which, from your signature, I am guessing is closer to the truth - you need to get over yourself. Any kind of surgery is painful and has risks; and facial surgery possesses risks all its own. The face has more than a dozen major sensory and motor nerves, and thousands of nerves that branch off of those nerves, making facial surgery a painful experience. Additionally, should any one of those many nerves be damaged during surgery, facial deformity could occur. Barry could be left with a drooping eyelid or a sagging jaw if a nerve is damaged. I am almost positive that these risks were explained to Barry during his recovery period, and are most likely the reasons for his decision to leave the scar as it is - not because he thinks it adds "character".

I think you may have to learn to live with Barry as he now is and remember that true beauty emanates from within. You say that you have been with Barry for "several years"; I'd like to think your feelings for him are based upon more than just his good looks.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Photographer Friend Is Guest First, Professional Second

Dear Tazi:

I am a professional photographer, and my problem is probably as old as photography itself. As you may have already guessed, my issue is with friends assuming that I will photograph their event for free as a "gift". In the market where I work, a good photographer can make upwards of $1,000 per event, so to offer my services as a gift would be extremely generous, and I have learned to be up front with these requests, explaining to my friends that I would prefer to attend the event as a guest as opposed to a contractor. Most of them get the message.

This summer promises to be a busy time for me. So far, I have paying events booked every weekend through the end of September, with very few days off. I am not complaining, and am appreciative of the work; I mention this because it has to do with the reason I am writing to you. My ex-sister-in-law "Shari" is getting re-married this June. Her divorce from my brother was a bitter one, but she and I have remained close for the sake of their young children.

Several months ago, Shari asked me if I would photograph her wedding as a gift, and I gave her my standard reply - that I would rather attend the event as an invited guest as opposed to a contractor. Shari gave me a deadpan look in response and told me that my presence as a guest would be "inappropriate" since I am the sister of her ex-husband. I was taken aback by her abruptness, and more than a little hurt that she would ask me for such an expensive wedding gift in one breath, and in the next make it clear to me that I would not be welcome as a guest. I wiggled my way out of the situation by telling Shari that I was probably already booked for that weekend, and would get back to her - which, to my shame, I never did. Both of us let the matter drop. At least, I thought we did.

This week an invitation to Shari's wedding came in the mail, along with a hand-written request that I bring my camera to photograph the event. I am not certain how to respond. Do I ignore this obvious attempt to coerce me into photographing Shari's wedding for free? R.S.V.P. that I will be attending without my camera? R.S.V.P. that I will attend, but make no mention that I will not be bringing my camera? Ignore the back-handed invite altogether? To be honest, my young nephew and niece are the only reason I have not written Shari out of my life at this point. As luck would have it, I am free the day of her wedding.

Signed,
Camera Shy

Dear Camera Shy:

If Shari were a man I would say that she has balls the size of the Trojan horse to send such a crass message in your "unvitation" to her wedding! I have heard of Bridezillas before, but Shari has truly gone the extra mile in her obvious attempt to secure your professional services free of charge. Her attempts at soliciting your services as a gift was crass enough; but to turn around and tell you that your presence as an invited guest would be inappropriate truly takes the three-tiered cake!

As tempted as you must be to ignore the invitation to Shari's wedding, refusing to R.S.V.P. is never in good taste; I suggest that you resist the urge to throw it into the circular file and forget about it. If I were you, I would send my regrets that I am unable to attend the wedding and include a hand-written note wishing Shari and her husband all the best in their new life together. If you wish to send a gift, that will be up to you. Perhaps you could offer your services to provide a bridal portrait sitting for Shari and her children? If you actually wish to attend this wedding, I would strongly advise against it, as it is pretty obvious that you are not welcome without your camera. I wish her luck in finding a photographer at this late date.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. A big paws up to you for remaining an active Auntie to your nephew and niece!

("") ("")
(These are supposed to be my paws!) --T.K.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Man's All Play Attitude Catches Up To Him; Leaves His In A Dangerous Spot

Dear Tazi:

My adult son, "Jimmy" is 43, and thinks he is still the greatest thing since sliced bread. Admittedly, he was a very attractive young man; but years of smoking, heavy drinking, and hard partying have robbed him of his looks. Unfortunately, he does not realize this and thinks he is still God's gift to women.

This past Christmas season, Jimmy's long-time girlfriend (and mother of his son) "Joanie" got tired of waiting around for the wedding ring he promised her no later than three years ago. She packed up her stuff and moved out of state, taking my five-year-old grandson with her. Because they were always a couple, Jimmy and Joanie never went to court to establish custody rights, so I believe Joanie is within her rights to move away with their son. Jimmy has not seen this situation as a wake-up call to put his partying ways behind him and honor Joanie and their son by getting married and becoming a family man. Rather, he responded to my criticism by telling me he was "getting bored with Joanie, anyway" and was "tired of always having to babysit" his son. I am so angry with him, I can't even see straight! As if all of this was not bad enough, here comes the reason I am writing to you:

Jimmy has not offered any money for child-support, arguing that he does not get to see his son so why should he pay support? Joanie has threatened to sue for child-support if Jimmy does not agree to a reasonable, contracted amount to send on a weekly basis. I know that child-support is based upon the income a person has reported on their tax returns; I also know that Jimmy - who owns his own successful contracting company - has not paid taxes in over a decade, business or personal. If Jimmy ends up going to court, his lack of tax returns could lead to criminal charges of tax evasion. Due to his partying ways, Jimmy has not saved a dime of his earnings and there is no way he would be able to pay his tax debt, plus penalties. My late husband left me some life-insurance monies, but this was to be used for my own security in retirement. Jimmy does not know that I have this money, so I have not felt obligated to offer it. I am so confused as to what I should do, because Jimmy has ignored Joanie's demands, shrugging and saying "Let her sue. I have no proof of income!" Help!

Signed,
Worried To Pieces

Dear Worried To Pieces:

The fact that your son has not paid child-support - or taxes - is unnerving, to put it mildly. You are right to be concerned about your son's plight, but please do not put your financial security at risk for someone who has squandered their own - even if it is your own son. The fact that Jimmy "owns his own successful contracting company" tells me that his tax burden will be a big one - income taxes (Federal and state); social security taxes; and business taxes will all be owed, along with interest and penalties. Your son's tax burden could easily top $200,000, considering that he has not paid taxes "in over a decade"; which is why the first thing he needs to do is contact a good tax attorney and hope against hope that there is a way to file accurate tax returns for the past decade or more. Your son does not sound like the responsible type so I doubt he has any kind of paperwork or receipts documenting his income and expenses.

April 15th is quickly approaching!

In spite of your son's claim that he has "no proof of income", unless all of his clients have paid him cash there will be a paper trail - cashed checks, business records/filed receipts, tax write-offs from those who paid him to make improvements to home or business, and payroll receipts (if he has anybody working for him). The fact that Joanie was with your son for at least three of these past ten years leads me to believe she knows roughly how much your son earned from his business; any additional information she can provide (names of clients, job sites, etc.) will tell her attorney where to start digging for information.

My advice to you is to show your son this letter, and spell out for him what he is not seeing: that his past has caught up with him, and unless he wants to spend the foreseeable future in a jail cell, he will first honor Joanie's request for child-support and second work on putting his financial house in order. It is long past time for Jimmy to grow up!

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. One does not "babysit" their own child! It's called "parenting", and I hope you made this fact clear to your son! --T.K.

Little Person Not Defined By His Height; Just His Big Attitude Problem

Dear Tazi-Kat:

I am a “little person” – an adult of very short stature due to a form of dwarfism. Although I am short, I do not allow this feature to hold me back in life. I date women of average height, attend college, drive a sports car, play tennis, and pretty much enjoy life the way an average height person would. I know you are probably wondering why I am writing to you if my life sounds so perfect, huh? Well, there is one fly in my ointment, and that is how other little people treat me. I am disrespected among my own people for “acting tall”.

Many little people have self-esteem issues due to their height; or health problems, due to the genetics that caused their dwarfism, that leave them unable to live a life as full as mine. I have dealt with my share of problems in life – when you are in the fifth grade and are the shortest kid in your elementary school, believe me you are going to get picked on by the other kids – but my parents raised me to overcome such taunts, telling me if I let their teasing get to me than I was giving the teasers exactly what they wanted.

I realize that I can come off as an insensitive [censored], and at times I probably have been insensitive to other little people who do not have my sense of worth and drive to push past the negative, but I can’t change who I am to please other people. Things really came to a head for me last month, at a Little People of America regional convention. I won’t give you all the gory details, but suffice to say that I was at the bar and got dumped on for turning down a female attendee’s advances because I have a girlfriend (who is not an L.P., something that came out during her request to know why I was turning her down, which caused others to voice opinions on my personal life). After this, a part of me wants to walk away from this organization altogether – I mean, who needs this, right? – but then another part of me admits that I do need the LPA organization, as it is an advocacy group in addition to its social factors. I guess I would just like some advice on how to reconcile the fact that I am not like so many other little people without turning my back on the entire community.

Signed,

Walking Tall At 4-Foot-4

Dear Walking Tall…:

Paws up! I admire your attitude – to an extent. As a four-legged animal I am often the lowest one to the ground, looking up at the world around me. I, too, do not allow my smallness to determine my place in the world; and spend a great deal of time sitting atop my Tower of Power (my profile pic actually shows me sitting in it) surveying my realm. Unlike you, I am a cat and can get away with this sort of behavior. Cats are expected to be smug; humans are not, which is probably the reason why you were attacked en masse at the bar.

Your lack of “gory details” leaves a lot out of the tale you tell, but I can see why your fellow little people would be upset that you turned down the advances of a little person because you are dating a woman who is of average height. My Mommie is quite close to a few LP’s, so I had her run your letter by one of them for an opinion. He replied, “What he did to the woman at the regional was the approximate equivalent of what women have undoubtedly done to him when he goes to bars with his AP [average height person] friends and the women would talk to his friend and treat him like furniture.”

Nobody likes to be turned down for a date, but when a physical characteristic causes you great self-consciousness and low self-esteem; and the person turning you down is dating (or will only date) someone who does not possess that particular physical trait, it is easy to lash out and accuse the object of your desire of prejudice. This does not mean that prejudice exists; and this is the point you need to make when such personal attacks on your character are made. However, you also need to be aware of how you respond and to treat others equally, regardless of who they are, lest accusations of prejudice hold merit.

You do not say how old you are, but you mention that you go to college, drive a sports car, and play tennis so I am guessing you are under the age of 30; possibly even under the age of 25. Your twenties are a time when people are still finding themselves – who they are, who they want to be, and how they are going to get there. Add a physical challenge or multiple physical challenges to the mix, and achieving these goals can be made all the more difficult. The good news is that there is a light at the end of this tunnel; it just takes some people longer than others to get there.

I realize that Little People of America is a social organization as well as an advocacy organization, which means it has members of all ages and accomplishments. Rather than write off the entire Little People community, perhaps you could speak with a member who is older than you are, with more life experience than you possess. Is there anyone you can look to as a mentor or trusted advisor? Someone who can help guide you through the rocky waters to a calm shore? If so, I suggest you turn to them and discuss your concerns; if you do not, you may want to speak with your membership coordinator or other officer in your regional chapter. Regardless of stature, one does not get to the top of a large organization or earn the admiration and respect of others without possessing a strong sense of self and the ability to “walk tall” among the masses. You need to find out what they are doing to charm the masses, and take a lesson from what they tell you.

I will end my response with some sound advice from my Mommie’s contact. He writes: “Not all of this guy's life will go as swimmingly as it is now...there is a whole world of difference between asking an AP woman to date an LP and asking an AP woman to marry an LP - because then you get into genetic issues, long-term health concerns, etc. LPA can be a valuable asset in those times.” So there you have it!

-- Tazi-Kat

In order to respect his privacy, the name of my Mommie's contact has not been revealed, but I wish to offer my gracious thanks for his assistance in responding to today's letter! His help has been invaluable! --TK