After Wife Leaves, Husband Discovers that Money Isn't Everything

Dear Tazi:

My wife has left me because she claims all I ever do is work. She never complained that all the hours I put in has provided her with a beautiful house, a nice car, private school for the children, a designer wardrobe, a membership at an exclusive country club, and a bevy of other benefits. I thought this was what she wanted, but she left me for some guy who lives on a boat and charters trips for guys like me. I am pretty sure this is how she met him, too.

“Patricia” is now living on this guy’s boat while the kids are away at boarding school and has filed for a divorce. She claims that she doesn’t want anything more than the dissolution of our marriage, that she is only asking for the house, her cars, custody of the children, the vacation home in the Caribbean, etc. because her attorney has told her she needs to ask for more and expect to get less; that the less she asks for the less she will actually get. Whatever. All I want is my wife back.

Patricia and I have not told the children that we have separated. Patricia wants to do it in person, when they come home for the summer; I want to have reconciled with her by then and to not have to tell them at all. I am a very successful businessman who has never ended up on the raw end of a deal – if I want something I make an offer generous enough to make sure it is accepted. Right now, I want my wife back.

I am considering offering this other guy a large sum of money to wait until Patricia gets off the boat to go grocery shopping and then sail away into the sunset and forget he ever met her, but that feels dirty. I want to win back my wife on fair terms. Patricia says the only way she will even consider trying to make things work between us is for me to stop working so much and start spending more time with her and the kids – which would mean resigning my position and taking a huge step down, pulling the kids from boarding school (for logistical and financial reasons, since I won’t be able to afford it anymore anyway), and selling off some of my stock portfolio to keep up with the expenses of our property holdings. I don’t think Patricia is seeing the big picture here. My best friend – the only one who knows what is going on – has told me to let her go and find myself a trophy girlfriend to help ease the pain, but Patricia is the only woman I want – she is my trophy; she stuck by me when I was just starting out…why would she leave me now?

Signed,

Perplexed

Dear Perplexed:

You have given your wife and children everything you want them to have, but is it also what they would like to have? I was ready to toss your letter, unanswered, when I saw that you used the word “our” and not “my” to describe your property holdings. That little three-letter word holds a lot of meaning, and it tells me that you see your marriage as an equal partnership, even if you have not given your partner what she is truly seeking.

The time has come to have a sit-down with your wife and tell her exactly what you have told me: that spending more time with family would come at a large financial cost because it will mean stepping away from your lucrative job and cashing out some of your stocks. Tell her that the children will have to switch schools and board at home instead of away, and that your expenses will have to be reined in if the children want to graduate college debt free and the two of you want to have a secure retirement. The fact that your wife is willing to leave a mansion to go live on a boat tells me that she probably will not mind making these sacrifices. Will you? The answer to that question holds the key to reconciling your marital differences.

I recommend marital counseling for the two of you, and I hope that it is not too late to save your marriage. There is a lot of damage that you cannot see because you have not been around to witness it; you may be surprised to discover how lonely your wife is, and how bitter she is feeling towards you. For the sake of your children, the two of you need to set aside your anger and your hurt feelings and work hard on renewing your commitment to each other. Think of your marriage as a business deal, and make a generous offer of what your wife wants in order to seal the deal. Just be sure to ask her what she wants, rather than assuming to know.

Snuggles,

Tazi

P.S. Try watching the Michelle Pfeiffer-Bruce Willis movie The Story of Us for some insight into your situation; it’s got a great line at the end about how a married couple is not made up of a “you and me” but of an “us”.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Emotional Blackmail Is Still Blackmail

Dear Tazi:

My maiden aunt passed away last year. She was a spinster, as she liked to call herself, with no children of her own, and only my brother and I for nephews and nieces. We were both very close to “Aunt Carol” until about 15 years ago, when my brother realized she wasn’t going to pass anytime soon and stopped coming around to help out with the yard work and other house chores that needed to be done. Not wanting to leave these jobs to an elderly lady, I sent my then teenaged son over to mow her lawn, rake the yard, weed the garden, change the oil in her car, and other jobs that helped shape him into the fine young man he has become (if I do say so myself!).

I share all this so you will understand what comes next: Aunt Carol left her entire estate to me – her house, her investments, the rental properties left to her by my grandparents (her parents) after they passed. I was quite surprised at the inheritance that I received; I thought that she would leave everything to her church. I never did what I did for her out of expectation for repayment; I did it all because she was my aunt and I loved her.

My brother is very upset that he received nothing from Aunt Carol’s estate, and feels that all of his years of yard-work should have been rewarded. After her death, he contacted a lawyer and tried to contest the will, but Aunt Carol’s will was airtight and he had no standing. Since he has now struck out twice in his attempts to bilk Aunt Carol’s estate he is now trying a third pitch – emotional blackmail.

My brother has threatened to stop speaking to me if I do not share Aunt Carol’s estate with him. Tazi, my brother has always been the type to attempt get-rich-quick schemes (from car accidents to slip and fall injuries) so I am hesitant to share Aunt Carol’s estate with him. On the other hand, I am afraid if I don’t I will never see him again, and he is my brother after all. Then again, I am afraid if I give into his demands he will go through the money and then demand more, issuing the same threat of never speaking to me again. What to do?

Signed,
Stymied

Dear Stymied:

The problem with blackmail – emotional or otherwise – is that once the perpetrator realizes their methods are working the demands get larger and larger. You are correct in thinking that giving into your brother will only result in future demands. I realize that he is family – and close family at that – but that does not change the fact that your brother’s get-rich-quick tactics are incomprehensibly void of any morals. To offer to assist an elderly woman with her yard-work in an attempt to secure an inheritance is soulless.

Since I have a feeling that you are going to give into your brother’s demands regardless of what I think or say, I will advise you to compromise. Set aside an amount of money, property, or what have you that you are comfortable with giving to your brother and put it in a trust for him. You can establish the guidelines of the trust to ensure that he will not run through it and need more money. Whether you want the trust to mature upon a significant birthday (say 62 or 65 or some other retirement age) or to allow for a monthly stipend is up to you. An Accountant and/or Tax Attorney will be able to assist you with the specifics of such a trust; just make sure that the tax liability is your brother’s to pay, not yours. Just remember the old adage that no good deed goes unpunished, so do not be surprised if your brother decides to take the money and run in an attempt to punish you for not following his demands to the letter. Enter this matter with your eyes wide open: there is a good chance that you will not be seeing your brother until he needs money.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Sensible Or Scrooge? Sibling Refuses To Assist With Emergency Financial Help

Dear Tazi:

I have always lived my life debt free. I started working at age 16; rode a bus until I had saved enough money to buy my own car and pay for the insurance; attended a community college before transferring to a state university; and financed my education through a payment plan, not student loans. My current goal is to purchase my own home for cash, so I do not have to pay a mortgage. I live at home with my parents, who refuse to accept any money for room or board.

I have a pretty good job, and I manage to bank more than half of my take-home pay every week. By living frugally, I have managed to save over $100,000 in the past ten years. My problem is my sister. "Sue" is my polar opposite when it comes to money. She has very little savings because she took out thousands of dollars in student loans to attend her first choice school, and she now struggles as she follows her dream to make it as an actress. Admittedly she is very talented, but so are a lot of struggling actors and actresses; talent does not guarantee success. Although she has done well enough for herself, she is no where near being a big name star.

Our parents help Sue out whenever she asks for money, which is rare, but I have always been unable to shake the feeling that the big request for cash is the elephant in the room. Last month, the elephant trumpeted. Sue was in a terrible car accident. The driver who hit her car was uninsured so they are unable to pay for the damages, which are severe. Sue was in the hospital for a week, and her health insurance isn't the greatest so she has a 20% co-pay, which is thousands of dollars. Sue is going to be out of work for several months, and does not have any kind of disability insurance. Her car was only insured for the minimum her state requires, so her policy doesn't even pay enough to cover what she owes on her car, which was totaled and had more owing on it than it was worth in the first place. In summary, Sue is now over  $50,000 in debt with no way to pay and is looking at a long stretch of disability. Without some kind of assistance, she is looking at declaring bankruptcy.

My parents have nowhere near that kind of money to pay Sue's debts...but I do, and they have asked me to pitch in and assist her. I refused, reminding my parents of my dream to own my own home free and clear. My parents reminded me that I have taken advantage of their assistance to follow my dream, living with them rent free my whole life. I don't think it is fair for them to hold that fact over me, since they insisted I put the "rent" money towards my goal.

My parents own their own home, and are both retired. They have offered to deed me a portion of the house equal to what I would be willing to give to assist my sister, but this is money I will not see until after they have passed - unless I want to force them to take out a home equity loan to buy me out, and I am not that big of an [anal opening]. Am I being selfish, as everyone claims I am? Or are my sister's financial issues the result of her own poor choices?

Signed,
Secure and Happy...For Now

Dear Secure and Happy...For Now:

Are you certain that you are not that big of an [anal opening]? Did you get tested? It seems to me that you sold your humanity and your soul in exchange for a few extra dollars in your savings account. Throughout your entire letter, all you do is praise your own choices and criticize your sisters. I had to do some heavy editing out of these criticisms just to keep your letter on topic.

While I commend you on your sound financial choices and your ability to save, not everybody chose the path you did. Your sister chose to take risks, to strike out on her own; she may not have yet hit a home run, but she was safely running the bases when fate threw her a cruel curve-ball. Your judgmental attitude is doing nothing to alleviate her pain or your parents concern.

While I am not going to advise you to assist your sister - the choice to help or not to help must be yours alone - I will suggest that you look at the bigger picture. You say that your parents have offered to deed you a portion of the house equal to what you would be willing to give to help your sister. This may not be a bad idea. You claim that you pay cash for everything, so I am guessing that you do not have/use credit, which means you have no credit history and your only asset is your large bank account. This could come back to bite you in the rear when the day comes that you need some kind of credit history. Credit is not only used to grant loans; it is also used to gauge the quality of a person's reputation (fairly or unfairly). Many auto insurance companies use credit in deciding premiums; many employers run a credit check as part of the interview process; and even the telephone company requires a credit history before granting a contract for a mobile phone account.

Another point to consider is the fact that the housing market is starting to bounce back after bottoming out. A percentage share of a house (rather than a flat dollar amount) will continue to grow over the next few years; a $25,000 investment could increase to $40,000 in only a few years; a $50,000 investment now could easily increase to $75,000 or more by the time you are ready to reclaim your investment and purchase a home of your own. What other investment do you know of that will pay a 33% dividend over such a short period of time? These are details that you could work out with your parents before giving a firm yes or no answer to their request. Furthermore, if your goal is to pay cash for a home, depending on where you live you may have to save for several more years, during which time interest rates on investment savings remain low. Again, I am not telling you that you must assist your sister; I am simply telling you to consider all of the angles before shutting the door on your parents request.

Regardless of your desire, a refusal to assist your sister may result in your parents requesting that you start paying rent or even the demand that you find a place of your own now, rather than when you have enough saved to pay cash. After all, you are now in your thirties; have a sizable nest egg; and still live with them rent-free. Just one more angle to consider. I strongly suggest you talk to a financial planner or attorney who specializes in real estate law.

Perfunctory Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Out Of Work And Out Of Shape, Woman Seeks New Beginning For The New Year

Dear Tazi-Kat:

The New Year will soon be upon us, and I am feeling quite down about it. I have been out of work for the past year and unable to find work no matter how hard I look. I have not even been able to secure a single interview. Because of this, I have spent a lot of time sitting at home, bored out of my mind; and in order to reduce the boredom, I have taken up snacking. When I tried to fit into my favorite party dress in anticipation for New Year's Eve, I was horrified to find that it did not fit! It is not simply a little tight; it won't zip past my waist!

I had not realized how much weight I have gained these past several months because I have been living in sweat pants, completely unmotivated to even get dressed; but now that I see it, I want to do something about it on the off-chance that I find an interview! I need my clothes to fit! I cannot afford a gym membership - even at one of those $10/month places - and I do not have any home work-out equipment. Do you have any advice on how to get myself back into shape, in spite of my dire situation?

Signed,
Plumped Up

Dear Plumped Up:

My condolences on your extended unemployment. I have noticed that unlike cats, most humans cannot stand to be idle for prolonged periods of time. I can see why this would drive you straight into the snack cabinet in an effort to keep busy. Your first step to losing the weight you have gained will have to be to put a lock on the snack cabinet, unless you feel you can control your desire to snack. This should put a stop to some of the weight gain, but not all of it.

You write that you have been "sitting at home". Nothing puts on weight like sitting around doing nothing, except the combination of sitting around doing nothing and eating; so in addition to the lock on the snack cabinet you have to get up and get moving. Do you have a flight of stairs in your home or apartment? If so, I suggest that you start steppin', because you have a manual StairMaster! As a cat, I love running up and down the stairs at a record pace - it gets my heart rate up and burns calories. As a fellow mammal, I know this kind of exercise will have a similar effect on you.

If you truly cannot tolerate the stairs, there is always walking - outdoors if the weather is nice, indoors - like at the local mall - if it is not. Try to walk for three miles a day at a pace of at least 3.0 mph for a cardio workout. If walking is not your thing, either, then there is always good old-fashioned calisthenics; the workout that requires no equipment - just your body, and actual effort.

If any kind of physical activity at all is something that turns you off, I suggest you get screened for depression. Your prolonged unemployment may have brought on such an ailment; and your job search might be being unintentionally curtailed because of it.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Splitting A Lunch Tab Does Not Require Splitting Hairs

Dear Tazi-Kat:

I have a great group of friends with whom I enjoy lunching once or twice a month. There are six of us total, and five of us generally order a moderately priced meal. Rather than nit-pick over who owes how much at the end of the meal, our preference is to simply split the bill six ways (including the tax and tip). Our problem is that we recently discovered a new lunching spot that all six of us enjoy...one of us more than the rest.

"Sally" has developed a taste for the more expensive items on the menu at this new restaurant. The rest of us would not have a problem with her choice if it simply cost a few dollars more than what the rest of us order; but her new regular entree choices are lobster-based, and the price reflects this fact. Her meals have been running up the tab that the rest of us are stuck splitting.

We - I and the other four women of the group - would like to mention something to Sally about this issue. We are torn between suggesting she pay for her own lunch while the rest of us split the remainder of the bill; and suggesting that she order a less expensive entree. We do not wish to make her feel excluded, but we also do not wish to lessen her enjoyment of her lunch. Since we all enjoy this new restaurant, we do not wish to start going somewhere else. Do you have any advice for five cat-loving ladies, Tazi-Kat?

Signed,
I'll Have the Tuna Salad Plate (She'll Have the Lobster Ravioli)

Dear I'll Have The Tuna Salad Plate...:

I checked out the online menus of several restaurants, and noticed that the cost of a tuna salad lunch plate is around $5 - $7, while the lobster ravioli runs $15 & up. The price difference essentially adds an additional $2.50 each to your respective tabs (including tax and tip) on top of your original share of the bill. This might not appear to be much, until you consider the fact that you are eating canned tuna and your friend is eating fresh lobster. By splitting the tab, you are subsidizing her tastes.

Perhaps if you - or another member of the group - spoke with Sally about this matter in private, explaining it as I have above, she may volunteer to pay her own tab. If she does not offer to rectify the situation, or takes offense at being singled-out, you may have to start "nit-picking" and each of you be responsible for your own tab. Since this is hardly ideal, I suggest rounding your contribution up or down to the nearest dollar amount.

For example, if your personal tab is $5.95 for a sandwich, $1.99 for a beverage, 63-cents for tax, and $1.60 for a tip; round off each amount and add it up this way: $6.00, $2.00, 75-cents, and $1.50 for a total of $10.25 - which makes your contribution eight-cents more than your "nit-picked" total - or simply $10.00 even. Considering your current arrangement, I doubt the others in your group will have a problem covering the extra 17-cents of your exact cost.

-- Tazi-Kat

P.S. I am glad to know that you are all cat lovers! Please think to bring home some of that tuna for your kitty once in a while!

"Diva" Must Learn To Budget, Friend Seeks To Intervene

Dear Tazi:

I have a friend who is an absolute diva!  Anything she wants, she gets and worries about the bill later.  This would not concern me so much if it were not for the fact that she keeps trying to drag me down with her.  If she wants a pedicure, she insists I come along; when I tell her I can’t afford one, she replies, “Sure you can!  You just think you can’t!”  No, Tazi, I really can’t….plus I live in the North and open-toe shoe season is over.  Nobody is going to see my feet anyway!  This is just one example of “Tonya’s” irresponsibility.  There are many more.

Tonya has always kept her spending a secret from her husband, arguing that she can do what she wants with her “allowance”.  Tonya pays the bills – her husband does not want the responsibility – so her husband cannot see the hundreds of dollars she spends every month on stuff she does not need.

Tonya’s husband just lost his job, and they have had to cut back on a lot of things, including cable TV; cigarettes and alcohol; date nights; coffee shop coffee; and laundry service – but Tonya still spends money on stupid stuff!  This week she wanted me to go with her to get our Tarot cards read.  She said the psychic is very reputable, which is why she costs so much, but Tonya wanted to know how much longer she was going to have to “pinch pennies”.  Tazi, she isn't!  Although I accompany her on most of her outings, I do not indulge myself.  I am now starting to feel resentful towards Tonya for the way she spends money she does not have while her husband joneses for a cigarette.  I completely understand how he feels, and want to say something to him.  Should I?

Signed,

The REAL Penny-Pincher

Dear The REAL Penny-Pincher:

I can see how your friend’s attitude would disgust you; I am mildly disgusted by her myself and I have not had to sit next to her as Miss Cleo tells her the future. 

I would advise against telling Tonya’s husband just where all their money is going; if he has any interest in knowing he can step up to the responsibility of assisting with the household budget.  I am aware that in most marriages one person handles the finances, but the other spouse is generally aware of where the money is being spent.  Willful ignorance offers its own rewards, as well as its own punishments.

You are wise not to spend money that you do not have to spend, even in the face of temptation.  Unfortunately, watching Tonya’s high rolling behavior sounds like it is dragging on your spirits.  May I suggest a compromise?  The next time Tonya suggests something that costs money – pedicures, Tarot readings, lunch at a fancy restaurant – counter-offer with an idea that is low-cost or free.  Colleges and universities frequently host lectures that are free and open to the public; in many areas, museums offer free admission on the first Saturday of the month; and your public library is a great place to look at local artwork, find a good book, or just chill with a friend!  If none of this appeals to you, why not try people watching at Wal-Mart?  The view is always an interesting one!                                                                                        

Photo courtesy of www.peopleofwalmart.com

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

"Kept" Man Can't Keep With "Double Standard"

Dear Tazi:

Why it is society has such double standards, with women coming out on top? I am a twenty-something man who lives with my fiancée in a very nice luxury apartment. We would like to get married, once I have paid off my student loans, but we currently live together with her paying the rent and the bills; partially so I can pay my loans down faster and partially because she makes ten times as much money as I make. Everyone I know makes jokes about me being a "gigolo" (to the point where they start singing that old David Lee Roth song) and I am sick of it! Even my own father has secretly called me a "kept man"!

If the situation were reversed, and I was the one making all the money and paying the bills while my girlfriend concentrated on paying off her loans nobody would say a thing! Do you have any suggestions to get people off of my back?

Signed,
Not a Gigolo

Dear Not a Gigolo:

For the record, "Just A Gigolo" was originally recorded in America by Louis Armstrong. Roth re-popularized it in the '80's for new audiences. Sorry, but that was bothering me; now, onto your issue...

I can understand why you are vexed by your friends' mocking of your living situation, but you are not entirely correct when you say "If the situation were reversed...nobody would say a thing!" Plenty of women would be cautioning your fiancée about putting her financial security in a man as opposed to depending upon her own ability to support herself, and/or pushing her to get married ASAP. Furthermore, you need to ask yourself: If the situation was reversed - and you were the breadwinner - would your marriage be put on hold? Or would you and your fiancée be planning a wedding or even already married, and planning a family?

In this case, to compare the "double standard" between men and women is to compare apples and oranges. Traditionally, when a woman makes so much less than a man, she is expected to quit her job to become a homemaker while her husband remains the breadwinner - even if she desires to do otherwise. Different pressures are put upon women in this type of living situation. I suggest that you examine these differences by supposing that your role was reversed. Discuss the matter with your fiancée, and get her feelings on the subject. Open communications is one of many keys to a healthy, successful relationship and if this is an issue that is troubling you it needs to be discussed.

As for what to tell your friends who hassle you, ask them point-blank what they would do in your situation. Would they choose to live alone, in an apartment they could afford on their own? Would they move back home with Mom and Dad? By turning the tables and putting the onus on them to respond, they might just discover that they are living in a glass house - and should not be throwing stones when they see you through the windows. If they still refuse to stop teasing you, perhaps you need to find more mature friends.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

"Upscale" Dining Choice Has Husband Upset

Dear Tazi:

Every Friday night my wife wants to go out to dinner.  She is a stay-at-home Mom to our two sons, and says that after a hard week at work she deserves a break.  Tazi, I work just as hard all week - if not harder than her - and I do not think that the money that I have earned should be spent going out to dinner when my wife is perfectly capable of cooking a delicious homemade meal.

I usually give in to her requests to keep the peace, but her requests are starting to get out of line.  We usually go to a family-friendly restaurant like McDonald's or Chick-fil-a, where the kids can play while we relax.  Now, she wants to start going to more upscale restaurants that offer what she thinks is a healthier menu - places like Waffle House or Friendly's!  I put my foot down and told her that when she makes the money she can decide how to spend it, and that from now on we would be eating at home on Friday nights until further notice.  That was two weeks ago, and every night since I have been coming home to a family that has already eaten without me.  I am lucky if there are leftovers to reheat, otherwise I have to make myself a peanut-butter sandwich.

Tazi, can you help me get my wife to see reason?  I work hard to provide for our family, and do not want to see our money spent so frivolously!

Signed,
Hard Working Man

Dear Hard Working Man:

I think your wife will see reason when you see reason.  Being a Stay-At-Home-Mom to two boys is not an easy job.  Have you ever tried to cook breakfast, prepare lunch, clean, do laundry, iron, keep the freshly cleaned house clean, chauffeur the children to their activities, and prepare a savory and nutritious dinner - all while keeping an eye on two young boys, to make sure they are staying out of trouble?  I am exhausted just reading what a stay-at-home-mom has to do to keep the world turning, and this list isn't even complete!  Do you still think your wife has an easier schedule than you?

A Friday night out to dinner is not an unreasonable request to make, especially at a reasonably priced restaurant like the Waffle House or Friendly's!  While I would not say that the food is inherently more nutritious at these places than at the fast-food chains, the atmosphere makes for a nice change of scenery.  If you are not comfortable with paying the extra few dollars for dinner every week (and this is understandable, if you are on a tight budget), I suggest that you and your wife compromise and trade off weeks between a relaxed and "more upscale" atmosphere.  Another suggestion is that you eat out every other week and try a restaurant like Applebee's or TGI Fridays, both of which have a children's menu.

I'm just not getting that "upscale" feel.  Are you?

You also need to remember that you and your wife are a couple - there is no "my" when you are married; what is yours is also your wife's.  She could be out working a full-time job, but she has put the needs of your children ahead of her own, and has trusted you to care for needs.  I believe that her cooking strike is her way of illustrating this point to you - you have refused to consider her needs, now she is refusing to consider yours.  I can see acting like this for a few days to get your point across, but a few weeks?  It sounds like your wife is overstating her point.  You may want to consider marriage counseling.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Once Paid, Alimony Is No Longer His Money

Dear Tazi:

When I met my ex-wife, “Tammy”, she was in graduate school for Social Work; knowing that she would never be rich – even after she finished school – I suggested we get married right away, while she was still young and readily able to have children. It was a May-December romance (well, sort of; I am 30 years older than she) and I wanted an heir to carry on my name. After five years of marriage and no children, I divorced Tammy because it was obvious she was not going to give me what I needed; as it turns out, she is infertile. I felt lied to because I felt that this was something she should have known before we got married, but the court felt differently and awarded Tammy a divorce (not an annulment) and several years of alimony.



Since the divorce I have made my alimony payments on time and in full each week, but Tammy is not spending them. Her clothes come from secondhand stores and thrift shops; she lives in a comfortable apartment, but with a roommate to split the costs; and drives the same car she had when we were married – which is now five years old! Our old friends see her out and about and mention to me how far she has fallen financially since our divorce and suggest that I assist her, since Social Work does not pay anywhere near my income bracket. I simply smile and tell them that I pay plenty in alimony; that Tammy will do as Tammy wishes with it.

I never meant in any way to imply that Tammy had a drinking problem or a gambling problem, but this is how some people took it. I discovered this when Tammy showed up on my doorstep one morning demanding to know why I was spreading ugly rumors about her. Since we were confronting each other, I demanded to know what she was spending my alimony on if not to care for herself. When Tammy explained that she was banking it because I “will not always be here” I went through the roof! She is using my money to save for her future in case I die and can no longer pay alimony!

Tazi, I pay alimony so my ex-wife can properly represent my name to society (she did not go back to her maiden name after the divorce). I do not think it is right that my money will be supporting her – and possibly a new husband – after I have passed. This is money that I could be investing as a part of the estate that I will eventually go to my daughters and any future sons I might have. I presented this argument to my attorney, but he told me that it would not stand up in court – if anything, Tammy’s alimony might be adjusted for inflation and that I should accept things as they are.

Tazi, Tammy is a big fan of your column so I know that she is reading this letter. Will you please advise her to do what is morally right? Either spend the money on a decent and proper lifestyle or return it to me!

Signed,
Not Dead Yet

Dear Not Dead Yet:

I did not realize that it was possible for a heart of stone to beat, and yet you are living proof of it! I base this opinion on the fact that you:

1) Married your ex-wife for her youth which, in your mind, made her “readily able” to have children, your sole purpose for marrying her

2) Assumed that because of her chosen career field she would “never be rich”, as if money is everything in life

3) Divorced your wife after discovering she suffers from infertility

4) Assumed that she knew about – or should have known about – her infertility before you wed

You offer no sympathy for your ex-wife, who must have been heart-broken over the idea of never being a Mom and then having to go through a divorce because she was unable to provide you with an heir; you make thinly veiled statements that lead others to believe that she has a drinking problem, gambling problem, or worse; and then you attempt to take away her financial security because she presented you with your own mortality! Wow, you are an absolute prince!

You should continue to pay Tammy her alimony, if only for the fact that you once loved this woman enough to ask her to marry you and bear you a son, if not because it is court ordered of you. You should also apologize to Tammy for your demanding attitude. Once the money is paid it is hers to do with as she wishes. I think Tammy is right smart to be investing the money for emergencies; retirement; or whatever while living within her means, not your means. She is correct in saying that you will not be around forever and is wise to plan ahead. If you would like to leave a larger estate to your daughters I suggest that you invest in a “whole life” life insurance policy, which will guarantee a set inheritance; once you have a son (if you ever do) you can do the same to provide for him.

Perfunctory snuggles to you, Paws Up to Tammy (“”) (“”),
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

As The Last Chick Flies The Nest, Husband And Wife Must Decide Which Path To Take

Dear Tazi:

My husband “Montgomery” has decided that, now that the last of our children will be moving away to college this September, he would like to run for political office. He claims that it has always been a dream of his to be a statesman; I say it is a midlife crisis, as he has never talked about this dream in the 22 years that we have been married.

I have been a stay-at-home-mom ever since my children were young, and I have held onto the goal of opening my own patisserie [a bakery that only serves and sells pastries] since before the first of my three children were born. Before I got married, I earned a Culinary Arts degree from Johnson and Wales; my specialty was fine pastries, and I have continued to use my skills and education for personal celebrations as well as profit (I bake cakes and specialty desserts on a very small scale out of my home). To put things another way, my dream has merit! I have experience and a business plan and am prepared to carry out and follow through with my goals. Montgomery, on the other hand, has zero experience in politics – he’s never even put a political sign on our lawn or volunteered to assist a candidate, yet he expects to run a successful campaign for state congress. It is not that I am against him running for political office, but I do have a problem with this plan infringing on my dreams.

Over the years, I have taken my disposable income and put it into a money market account where it has grown into a sizable sum – enough to cover the cost of equipment for a patisserie kitchen and to pay for the first year’s rent on a desirable location. Montgomery has requested the use of this money as “start up funds” for his political campaign! He has promised that it would be written up as a loan, as opposed to a donation, so he could reimburse me with any campaign donations that he received “in excess of what is needed” to run a successful campaign. I was so upset at this request that I was speechless!

Once I found my voice I told Montgomery that there was no way he would be getting his hands on my savings – that while he was using his spending money to play golf with his friends and have a few drinks at the clubhouse, my spending money was earning me interest in the bank. I informed him that I already had plans for the money, and he threatened to use our youngest child’s college savings account to finance his campaign! What kind of selfish man does that to his child? After I flipped out on him, Montgomery apologized and said he would never steal from our child; he was just illustrating the difficult position in which I was placing him.

Tazi, do I – as Montgomery puts it – owe it to him as his wife to support him in his political goals? Am I being selfish by wanting to use my savings as I had planned? Montgomery has commented that if he wins his election my stock will rise along with his, and my business will stand a better chance of succeeding.

Signed,
Petit Four No Reason?

Dear Petit Four No Reason?:

I do not believe you are being petty, and you do have reasons for being upset with your husband and standing your ground. I understand your decision to put your dream of owning – and running – your own business on hold while your children were growing up. Those who own their own business will tell you it is the business that owns them.

Although your husband never spoke of his dream to run for political office, this does not mean that it has not long been held dear to him. Is he the type to express political opinions or discuss politics with others? Does he attend city/town council meetings? Has he – before this point – expressed a desire to effect change? Many people keep their dreams a secret, out of the fear that others will not support them.

As for your dream, it is obvious from what you say that you have done some long-term investing into it and are ready to make it a reality. This reality could be what is propelling your husband to launch a dream of his own – sponsored with your money. Your husband could be feeling insecure; as he sees you starting on a path that will require long hours away from him and your home, and eventually lead you to financial independence from him.

Often times when the last baby bird flies the next, so to speak, the parents go through the stress of rediscovering each other – and wondering exactly what they still have in common. Your husband’s sudden desire to run for political office would keep the two of you together for long hours (I am assuming you would be working on his campaign) without having to work to fill the empty time and space that the lack of children has created – there is never an empty minute when you are running a political campaign! Before you make any decisions one way or the other, I suggest you do the following:

1. Secure your daughter’s college fund so that it can only be accessed to pay for her college expenses. I do not care that your husband was only trying to prove a point – the suggestion, and his reasoning behind it, were both extremely selfish. It is not you who are putting him in a difficult situation; it is he who chose to put himself there through a lack of proper planning.

2. See to it that the money you have managed to save and invest over the years is also secure. As a married couple, the money technically belongs to both of you; however, from a moral standpoint, only an absolute heel would insist on taking half.

3. Sit down with your husband and openly discuss his goals. Find out how long he has wanted to run for office; ask him what preparations he has made towards the running of a campaign and, if he has not made any in the time he has been thinking about this path, ask him what has held him back. In other words, find out how risky an investment – of time or money – in his campaign would be for you. If you are not comfortable loaning him money, suggest he incorporate his campaign and take out a bank loan; or ask the local state political committee (Republican/Democrat/Green/Etc.) for funding.

4. Ask your husband why he feels that his personal goals are more important that yours at this point in time. It could be that all the years you spent as a stay-at-home-mom has left him with less respect for who you are and the goals you seek to achieve. Your husband’s flimsy excuse that your “stock will rise along with his” sounds uncomfortably corrupt, not to get into how downright insulting it actually is.

Elections occur every two to four years and even though it is only June it is considered by many too far along in the election year cycle to declare a candidacy. Your husband would do well to work as a volunteer this election cycle, just to see all that goes into running a campaign, and start planning his run for office the day after this year’s elections – that is, if he is still interested in running at that point.

5. With regard to your desire to launch a business, consider your local economy. Will it support such a specialized business as a patisserie? Or would waiting a few years until the economy further improves increase your chances for success?

If you would feel more comfortable having a mediator present when you discuss these matters, I would suggest that you make an appointment with a marriage counselor or a clergy member with whom you feel comfortable discussing such matters. Both are trained to moderate marital issues and to assist in keeping them from turning into marital discord. I wish you both all the best in your future endeavors…and look forward to trying your crème fraise!


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Generous Gift Offer Declined Due To Strings That Are Attached

Dear Tazi:

As a high school graduation gift – and in order to encourage her to make wise economical and educational decisions – I offered to pay for my granddaughter’s first two years of college if she chose to attend one of our state’s public colleges or universities, with the offer to pay the remaining two years if she stayed at the state school (or within the state system) and kept her grades high enough to attain placement on the Dean’s List each semester. This decision was not made lightly, but with the memory of sending my own daughter (her mother) and both of my sons off to school at fancy private colleges, and paying upwards of $20,000 apiece for it, only to see them return home after one year – for various reasons – and graduate from state colleges for less than the cost of one year at their original schools.

My granddaughter feels that my offer is not fair, and that I am trying to control her life. She has requested that I give her the money I would spend on her first two years tuition at a state school to apply to the tuition at a fancy private college that costs in the vicinity of $50,000 a year. This particular school is far from home (three to four hours by plane) and my granddaughter, in my opinion, still has some growing up to do before she is ready to be on her own in a new city. For all of these reasons mentioned, I denied her request. Because of this, I am apparently the worst Grandpa that has ever lived.

I am considering rescinding the offer of paying for her schooling, and giving her a graduation gift of similar value in the form of a 10-year government bond. Upon maturation it would be worth close to $100,000 and could be put towards the purchase of a house or other real estate. My one concern is that, without my tuition assistance, my headstrong granddaughter may skip college altogether – which I would hate to see happen – or sign her life away into a morass of student loan debt in order to attend her first-choice school – debt that would most certainly destroy the nest egg a bond would provide. I do not wish to make the same mistake with my granddaughter as I did with her mother (and her uncles), but at the same time I do not want to see my granddaughter rush headlong into a mistake of her own making. She is my only grandchild and my hope for the future of all that I have worked for in life. I would like an outside opinion, Tazi.

Signed,
Grandpa Jim

Dear Grandpa Jim:

You are a generous Grandpa, indeed! A college education is a priceless gift, and the offer you present to your granddaughter just challenging enough to make certain that she keeps her life on the right track. You strike a good balance between generosity (two years, no strings) and business (two years, Dean’s List). You are investing in your granddaughter’s future, so you should be allowed some say in how that investment is treated.

Your granddaughter, on the other hand, sees this offer as a gift – which is how you have presented it – and gifts should come with no strings attached. By putting conditions on your support, your granddaughter sees you as attempting to control her life. May I suggest a compromise of sorts?

Get your granddaughter something completely different for her high school graduation present. A pre-paid debit card to be used towards her first year’s textbooks is a generous gift (around the $1,000 range, depending on what she is studying) but nowhere near the level of major financial investment. Once the gift issue is off the table, you can sit down with your granddaughter and discuss all that you have mentioned to me in your letter. If possible, I would suggest having your daughter there, too; to moderate, should the conversation start to get heated.

Explain to your granddaughter that your original tuition offer still stands, no longer as a gift but as a business arrangement. As an investor, you have an offer to make her; and she, as the person seeking funding, can either accept or reject your terms – but not alter them in any way. Allow her some time to think things over before asking for her decision. If she decides to attend her first choice college, take comfort in the fact that she thought things through before jumping into the abyss of the unknown.

Allow your granddaughter the chance to make her own mistakes – she will never be able to grow otherwise. By the end of her freshman year, you may be surprised to find your granddaughter thriving at this far away school, and earning scholarships and academic accolades that will bring honor to both her and your family (and if this turns out to be the case, I am hoping you will be willing to consider your granddaughter’s counter-offer of a lump sum towards her tuition at this school). If your granddaughter discovers that her dream school has turned into a nightmare, resist the urge to say I told you so and please find it in your heart to re-present your generous offer.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. My Mommie is in the market for a new Grandpa, since hers passed away several years ago! Care to adopt her? (Just kidding!) –T.K.



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Man's All Play Attitude Catches Up To Him; Leaves His In A Dangerous Spot

Dear Tazi:

My adult son, "Jimmy" is 43, and thinks he is still the greatest thing since sliced bread. Admittedly, he was a very attractive young man; but years of smoking, heavy drinking, and hard partying have robbed him of his looks. Unfortunately, he does not realize this and thinks he is still God's gift to women.

This past Christmas season, Jimmy's long-time girlfriend (and mother of his son) "Joanie" got tired of waiting around for the wedding ring he promised her no later than three years ago. She packed up her stuff and moved out of state, taking my five-year-old grandson with her. Because they were always a couple, Jimmy and Joanie never went to court to establish custody rights, so I believe Joanie is within her rights to move away with their son. Jimmy has not seen this situation as a wake-up call to put his partying ways behind him and honor Joanie and their son by getting married and becoming a family man. Rather, he responded to my criticism by telling me he was "getting bored with Joanie, anyway" and was "tired of always having to babysit" his son. I am so angry with him, I can't even see straight! As if all of this was not bad enough, here comes the reason I am writing to you:

Jimmy has not offered any money for child-support, arguing that he does not get to see his son so why should he pay support? Joanie has threatened to sue for child-support if Jimmy does not agree to a reasonable, contracted amount to send on a weekly basis. I know that child-support is based upon the income a person has reported on their tax returns; I also know that Jimmy - who owns his own successful contracting company - has not paid taxes in over a decade, business or personal. If Jimmy ends up going to court, his lack of tax returns could lead to criminal charges of tax evasion. Due to his partying ways, Jimmy has not saved a dime of his earnings and there is no way he would be able to pay his tax debt, plus penalties. My late husband left me some life-insurance monies, but this was to be used for my own security in retirement. Jimmy does not know that I have this money, so I have not felt obligated to offer it. I am so confused as to what I should do, because Jimmy has ignored Joanie's demands, shrugging and saying "Let her sue. I have no proof of income!" Help!

Signed,
Worried To Pieces

Dear Worried To Pieces:

The fact that your son has not paid child-support - or taxes - is unnerving, to put it mildly. You are right to be concerned about your son's plight, but please do not put your financial security at risk for someone who has squandered their own - even if it is your own son. The fact that Jimmy "owns his own successful contracting company" tells me that his tax burden will be a big one - income taxes (Federal and state); social security taxes; and business taxes will all be owed, along with interest and penalties. Your son's tax burden could easily top $200,000, considering that he has not paid taxes "in over a decade"; which is why the first thing he needs to do is contact a good tax attorney and hope against hope that there is a way to file accurate tax returns for the past decade or more. Your son does not sound like the responsible type so I doubt he has any kind of paperwork or receipts documenting his income and expenses.

April 15th is quickly approaching!

In spite of your son's claim that he has "no proof of income", unless all of his clients have paid him cash there will be a paper trail - cashed checks, business records/filed receipts, tax write-offs from those who paid him to make improvements to home or business, and payroll receipts (if he has anybody working for him). The fact that Joanie was with your son for at least three of these past ten years leads me to believe she knows roughly how much your son earned from his business; any additional information she can provide (names of clients, job sites, etc.) will tell her attorney where to start digging for information.

My advice to you is to show your son this letter, and spell out for him what he is not seeing: that his past has caught up with him, and unless he wants to spend the foreseeable future in a jail cell, he will first honor Joanie's request for child-support and second work on putting his financial house in order. It is long past time for Jimmy to grow up!

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. One does not "babysit" their own child! It's called "parenting", and I hope you made this fact clear to your son! --T.K.

Facebook Cattle-Call Brands Writer A Bad Friend

Dear Tazi:

I am so upset I don't know what to do with myself. I was moving into a new apartment for the first of the year, so I put the word out to my friends on Facebook to ask if they could help me. A lot of people responded, but only to tell me why they couldn't do it. You know - sorting, packing, and all the stuff that needs to be done before the actual move and then to help me with the actual move.  I am sick of hearing excuses like "I'd like to, but I have plans" or "I can't unless you can give me gas money; I don't have the gas money to get there and back". One person even said "I can't because that's the Sabbath"!

Isn't assisting a friend in need the perfect way to honor God? And I would think helping a friend to move is more important than some weekend plans. As for not having gas money, friends should be willing to help friends for free, not for gas money! Do you have any good responses that I can give to these so-called "friends" when they ask me why I am un-friending them on Facebook?

Signed,
Moving On

Dear Moving On:

I have the perfect response that you can give to those who question why you are un-friending them: I'm sorry I over-reacted to your inability to help me move. Can you forgive me for being so self-centered?

And for failing to offer the obligatory case of beer!

Nobody likes moving, even during the best of times; but to put out the request for help during the winter weather, on a weekend, in the middle of the holiday season? Did you honestly expect people to respond in droves? The reasons people gave are perfectly acceptable and quite reasonable. Would you have preferred they ignore your request altogether? In your letter, you disrespect one friend's religious practices; another's financial limitations; and a third friend's pre-existing plans. I can only imagine how you responded to them on Facebook, where people tend to be much more candid.

Unless you would be willing to put your plans/religion/financial needs aside to answer a cattle-call type request for help you have no right to complain about others reacting the same way. By un-friending these people, you are probably doing them a favor. Remember that in order to have good friends we must be a good friend. It's a little late to make this your New Year's resolution, so why not just resolve to try harder? Consider it a spring cleaning for the soul. You will be surprised at the results you get.

Snuggles,
Tazi

West African "Prince" Leaves Dad Crying In The Purple Rain

Dear Tazi:

My issue all started because of junk email. Due to my father's addiction to Publisher's Clearinghouse sweepstakes and other types of "instant millionaire" scams, my siblings and I have had to intercept his mail. The snail mail goes directly to my sister, "Gretchen", who handles his bill payments and other financial issues; the email goes directly to my account, so I may monitor him while he is online. I have a very high security SPAM filter, so absolutely nothing gets through that should not. Needless to say my father is not happy with this arrangement, but it is in his best interest.

I have discovered that my father has opened a second, secret email account with an address very similar to mine; so when he logs on it appears he is on my account, unless I look very closely at the address. I am not certain how long he has had this account, but it appears to have been long enough to cause some serious damage to his finances. Last week, when Gretchen was reviewing his bank accounts, she noticed one of them had been drained of all money by a West African bank. Dad freely admits that he cashed a check for several thousand dollars as part of a plan "to help an African prince escape his war torn country"; and needless to say (again) the whole plot was a scam - the international check bounced and my father is on the hook for the full amount since he "forwarded the money to the prince" after taking the 10% cut promised to him.

Gretchen and I tried talking to the customer service department at the local branch of our father's bank, but there is nothing they can do to get - or give - my father’s money back to him. My sister and I are understandably furious over the situation. However, Gretchen is angry at me, saying that the whole situation is my fault and that I should have been keeping a closer eye on Dad's e-mail. Tazi, she is the one who handles Dad's finances, and she was the one who left his name on the accounts so that he could withdraw money at any time!

Gretchen is talking about suing me on behalf of our father (she has financial power of attorney) to get back the money he lost. The amount I would have to pay if I lost would be substantial, and my husband and I would have to drain our retirement savings to do so. We have generously offered to a three-way split of the cost of the loss with Gretchen and my father, but she will not hear of it. She wants "full compensation" for what she sees as my carelessness and what I see as my father's underhanded deception and stupidity. What should we do, Tazi? The rest of my siblings are giving the situation a wide berth.

Signed,
At A Huge Loss

Dear At A Huge Loss:

In order to cover my behind legally, I must first point out that the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes is not a scam - they really do give away thousands of dollars in cash prizes every year, and no purchase is necessary to win. They are, in fact, a very reputable organization. If only all mail-in sweepstakes forms were sent from companies that were just as honest...

As for the issue with your father, the first thing you want to do is report the case to your local Post Office Inspector General. Your father may have been the victim of mail fraud. If the money he received - or sent - was wired or mailed through the U.S. Postal Service, it falls under the jurisdiction of the U.S.P.S. Inspector General's Office. If it was sent/received through Western Union or other privately owned money-wiring service; it is a matter for the FBI. The crime can be reported through the Internet Crime Reporting Center. Although there is no guarantee that your father will get his money back, reporting the crime to the proper authorities is a step in the right direction.

As for financially compensating your father, I think your plan is both generous and fair to all involved. Yes, your sister is correct that it was your place to monitor your father's Internet activity. Even in spite of his falsified email address, had you been monitoring your Dad while he was online this issue probably would not have occurred. However, you are correct in pointing out your sister's failure to remove your father's name (at least as a signatory) from his bank accounts, thus allowing him to follow through with his get-rich-quick scheme. By putting yourselves in a position of power over your father, you must also accept the responsibility that comes with it. This does not mean that your father is off the hook, though. He has a helping of responsibility to accept in this matter, too. Had it not been for his duplicitous behavior, he would not have received the initial email that started this entire problem. Your husband is quite generous in his acceptance of this plan, and it tells me he takes his wedding vows (especially the "for richer or for poorer part) very seriously! My compliments to the man on this matter!

Right now, you need to give Gretchen some time to cool down from the shock of this situation. Should she continue with her threats to sue you, all I can advise is to contract with a good lawyer to represent you. In the meantime, I suggest you check out the website LooksTooGoodToBeTrue.com. The site offers a good hard look at the Internet and email scams that are out there.

-- Tazi-Kat

Sincerest thanks to the FBI's Providence, RI office for the information provided in answering today's column! -- T. K.

Daughter Does Not Pay Back Loan, Dad Refuses To Pay For Her Wedding

Dear Tazi:

I have been planning my dream wedding since I was a teenager and now my father is about to ruin it all because he is being cheap! He thinks he is teaching me "a lesson in financial responsibility" but I think if I haven'rt learned it by now ruining my wedding day is not the way to teach it to me!

When I was in college my father and I had an agreement - he would pay for my schooling so long as I maintained good grades. If my G.P.A. dropped below a 3.0 I would have to pay my own way through school. He would continue to pay for my tuition and expenses so I could work on bringing my grades back up but that money would constitute a loan and not a gift.

I had a great time in college, and worked hard. but my sophomore year I decided to pledge my sorority. It was the best decision ever and I do not regret it, but because of the added stress of pledging my GPA slipped to a flat 3.0; the following semester commitments to my sisterhood, combined with a heavy course load, resulted in a semester of straight C's and my GPA reflected this. Although I made the grades required for my sorority I did not make the grades required to please my father. He told me that I might want to get a good summer job to defray the cost of returning to college so I wasn't facing a large loan to pay back upon graduation. I could not believe he actually meant that! It's not like we had a signed contract or anything!

My grades improved and I managed to graduate cum laude after busting my hump the next two years to keep my father off my back. After graduation, my father told me he was proud of me and even threw me a party but made no mention of my "loan" until six months later, when he told me I needed to start paying on it. Again, I could not believe he was serious! I had only just secured a job and was moving out of my Mom's house (my parents are divorced) and into my own apartment. I played along and told my Dad I needed more time. That was three years ago, and since I don't see Dad that often he hasn't brought up the subject all that much since then.

My boyfriend is finishing graduate school and he proposed to me this past Christmas. I am very excited and looking forward to our wedding. When I told my father the good news he congratulated me and told me he was happy for me - and that was it. He made no mention of my "loan" (as he always does when he sees me) but also no offer to pay for my wedding. When I mentioned this to my Mom, she said she would talk to him about the cost of my wedding, since traditionally the bride's family pays for the wedding.

Tazi, you can imagine my shock and upset when my Mom reported back that my father is refusing to pay for my wedding unless I pay off my "college loan"! He told me that we had an agreement and that I did not live up to my end of the bargain, and now I owe him the $15,000 he paid towards my tuition and living expenses while I "paid for the semester spent partying" by bringing my GPA back up to where he wanted it. This is NOT fair! My mother has limited income and cannot afford to foot the entire bill for my wedding, while my father has done quite well for himself since their divorce. My mother is talking about borrowing against her retirement funds or taking out a home equity loan, but she should not have to do this! Not when my father could easily afford to write a check to pay for the entire wedding, plus honeymoon!

When I approached Dad I told him how angry I was, and he offered what he thinks is a compromise - he will give me $5,000 towards the estimated $20,000 cost of my dream wedding and forgive my "debt" to him. As far as I am concerned, this is not a compromise and I owe him nothing - like I said, it's not like I signed a contract or anything! And besides, isn't there a statute of limitations on unpaid debts? Can you help my father see reason?

Signed,
Daddy's Not-So-Little Girl

Dear Daddy's Not-So-Little Girl:

You are correct that your father cannot force you to pay your debt to him because there was no contract stating you were taking on your college expenses as a loan and not a gift. However, I doubt you have a contract with your father stating that he will be responsible for paying for your wedding, do you? Your insistence on a binding contract regarding financial assistance goes both ways. Just as you are not legally obligated to re-pay your father for your college expenses he is under no legal obligation to cover the costs of your wedding. Your moral obligations to each other are something else entirely.

To put it plainly, your attitude stinks! The time to deal with your situation was years ago, when your grades first dropped below what your father considered an acceptable return on his investment in your education. You blew off his advice as a sad little joke and now the joke is on you. If any family were in dire need of counseling it is yours.

Your mother should not have to go into debt to pay for your wedding, and if you accept any assistance she offers from her retirement account of home equity you will continue to be a part of the problem and not a part of the solution. Nowadays many couples are financing their own weddings. If you want to prove to your father that you are a mature, financially responsible young woman than I suggest that you apologize to him for your disrespect, accept his compromise, and start saving for your upcoming nuptials. Since you graduated college (mostly) debt free you should be able to save a tidy sum without too much difficulty. Since your father is willing to kick in $5,000 your mother will probably want to do the same; if this does not cause her financial hardship you have my blessing to accept it. This brings you to 50% of the total cost of your wedding. If you want to start married life debt free, you may want to downsize your wedding to meet your budget and put anything you and your fiance save towards the purchase of a home. A wedding is not about a diamond and a party - it is about a marriage.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

A Wedding Is Not A Fundraiser, Don't Treat It Like It Is

Dear Tazi:

I am planning my wedding and am having some trouble with the guest list. I am a young bride, and my husband to be and I have not had the time to put aside much money for our future. We figure our wedding guests will help us get off to a good start in life by giving us a wedding shower and wedding gifts to help us set up house and tuck a little money aside. The problem is that many of my friends are in college. This means they will not have the money to give cash/gifts that are equal to or greater than the value of their plate charge.

The purpose of a wedding, as I said, is to help a young couple get their start in life, not to put them into debt so you can enjoy a good party. However, I am the first of my friends to get married and don't want it to seem like I am snubbing anybody by not inviting them, but a line has to be drawn somewhere.

I would like to send out two different wedding invitations - one with an invite to the ceremony, and a second with an invite to the reception, as well. The people who can afford to cover their costs and even give a little more will receive the second invite; those who would end up costing us would be invited to the wedding ceremony only. While my mother sees the practicality in my decision my future husband and his parents are "appalled" that I would even think such a thing. They have called me a "little gold-digger" and have questioned if I am the right woman for their son. Kitty, I am just trying to be practical here! I don't see my future in-laws kicking in with the cash to cover the cost of the reception!

Do you think my friends will be insulted and feel snubbed if I only invite them to the ceremony and not the reception? The ceremony is the most important part of a wedding anyway.

Signed,
Bride On A Budget

Dear Bride On A Budget:

You wouldn't consider charging a cover at the door of your reception, would you? Then don't exclude guests who you think cannot afford to line your pockets. A wedding reception is not a fundraiser, so please do not treat it like one. Your guest list should reflect your close and personal ties with your guests, not the size of their wallets.

When planning a wedding the first thing you should do is decide on a budget that you can afford - by saving, cutting back, working overtime, and if necessary borrowing and using cash gifts to pay down the debt. In short, you must plan within your budget and not budget with a plan to find a way to make others pay for your celebration.

If you cannot afford to have the wedding of your dreams while including all of your guests, than you must cut back on the wedding you are planning. One idea is to have a "coffee and..." with your receiving line after your ceremony followed by a small, intimate reception for immediate family only while hosting a large, backyard bash for all of your friends and family after you return from your honeymoon. Another idea is to postpone your wedding until you have the cash to pay for all of your guests meals without expecting some sort of quid quo pro in return. (The irony of this is that by the time you are done saving they may be through with school and making enough money to pay for the kind of gifts you are seeking). Whatever you choose to do, choose to be inclusive. Those you snub today are unlikely to forget the slight when the stakes are much higher than a chicken dinner.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Woman Who Lives On The Other Side Of Income Inequality Seeks What Money Cannot Buy

Dear Tazi:

When I was a child I always dreamed of what I would be when I grew up, and I am sad to say that those dreams have not come true. I know what you must be thinking - almost nobody grows up to be fabulously wealthy with a rock star husband and perfect kids, but this is not what I wanted for myself. I grew up in that world - with the mother with the supermodel looks; the nanny who taught me how to be perfect; servants and a maid to care for my every need; and whatever I wanted handed to me as if I deserved it simply for being me. What I wanted was a normal life.

Every Christmas season my mother made my nanny take me to the thrift stores and the soup kitchens to see "how the other side lives" and I remember how sad I felt that these people had no nice clothes or cool toys and wanting to give them mine. Every year, once Christmas had passed, I insisted on donating my old toys and clothes to the people who needed them. As I got older, and no longer needed a nanny, I started donating some of my new stuff, too. It just didn't feel right to have so much when there was such need right in my own home town.

At the soup kitchen, I always noticed that the people who seemed to have so little had something I did not - a sense of community; these people didn't care if someone used the wrong fork at dinner (all they had was one fork, and they didn't seem to care if it was used or not!). They didn't care if someone's shoes did not match their clothing (they were happy to have shoes); and the world didn't have to come to a screeching halt if they were having a bad hair day. They were still seen in public. They would laugh and joke with each other at the dinner table, and more than once I would see someone squirt milk from their nose from laughing so hard, only to laugh about it themselves.

I chose to study social work in college because I wanted to help people, but also because I wanted to learn from these people who taught me so much when I was growing up. I always expected to marry and have children and have a mice, normal, middle-class life - not wanting for anything but the big ticket items that regular people work hard for but were always just handed to me. Do I sound like a poor little rich girl yet?

I guess you can't help who you fall in love with or who they become, but I met my husband in college while he was a poor scholarship student who had to work two jobs to pay for his living expenses. I liked that he was a hard worker and an honest man, he liked that money hadn't spoiled me. My parents insisted on throwing us a huge wedding...and I think that is where the trouble started. My father hired my husband to work in the family business, starting him at a respectable salary and putting him in touch with a lot of important business people.

Within five years, my husband was offered a better position with a prestigious company and my father bade him well, claiming that nepotism makes for lazy workers. My husband is anything but lazy. In fact, he has become a workaholic in the hope of eventually being a Fortune 500 CEO. So once again I have the mansion, the fancy cars, and the maid to assist with the cleaning. All I need are a second nanny and the butler to find myself right back in the situation I wanted to run from as a child.

I don't want to leave my husband...I just want a more normal life. The financial security is comforting; the financial excess is smothering. How do I give back without embarrassing my husband? He would be mortified if someone we know saw me volunteering at a soup kitchen or dropping stuff off at the thrift store!

Signed,
Wishing For A Better World

Dear Wishing For A Better World:

Did it ever occur to you that if someone you know sees you at the soup kitchen or the thrift store it is because they are there, too? You say your husband fell in love with you because money did not spoil you, yet it seems that money has changed him. You sound like a gentle, loving soul who is completely unfulfilled by her current circumstances. While many would cry poor little rich girl, I am not going to judge you. In fact, I feel honest sympathy for you. Too many people are afraid to step out of their comfort zone to come to the aid of others or to befriend someone in different circumstances than they, regardless of their social class.

You speak of being jealous of the freedom others had to simply relax the rules in order to enjoy each other's company. What lessons are you passing on to your children? Are you teaching them that all meals are to be formal, or have they learned that sometimes dinner can be eaten in front of the TV on paper plates? Are you teaching them the value of sharing by helping them to box up unneeded toys and clothes to donate to those in need? Are you teaching them the importance of giving of themselves by volunteering? All are valuable lessons!

Many communities are in need of volunteers in schools, as well as to assist with municipal services like volunteer firefighters and police deputies. This is especially true in communities where the very wealthy are used to having other people provide such services for them. Unfortunately, such jobs do not pay well (if at all) and those who fulfill them cannot afford to live in the communities that they serve and protect. With your social work background, would you consider spear-heading a movement to increase the number of volunteers in your community? Would you be able to convince your neighbors that rubbing elbows with "the other side" will not bring them down, but make them a better person? Not only would this allow you to use your education, but it will help you to make your corner of the world a better place. Plus, you would be teaching your children by example.

If you or your neighbors cannot make a commitment to volunteer, there are other ways you can help. Why not have a neighborhood yard sale, with all of the proceeds going to a specified charity? Here in Rhode Island, Wheeler School holds an annual clothing sale to raise money for scholarships. People of all economic backgrounds flock to it to find bargain prices on designer goods.

Even Cher and pals could agree on to a yard sale!

Another way of bringing meaning to your life by giving back to others is to pay your employees a living wage. Nannies are some of the hardest working women on the planet - handling child care, meal prep, laundry, cleaning and other household duties - but being paid a salary that breaks down to minimum wage per hour or less! (And taking the Nanny with you on your vacation is no vacation for her!).

Whatever you decide to do, I think it would be important to have a sit-down with your husband to discuss your feelings, and your observations on how much he has changed since he was a poor college student who was impressed with a rich girl who had not let money spoil her.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Woman Values Money Over Love...Or Does She?

Dear Tazi:

I met my boyfriend “Charlie” through my best friend. He is her husband’s best friend since childhood. We met at a party and really hit it off and, because I assumed he ran in the same social circles as I, I readily agreed to see him again. I soon discovered that Charlie makes less money than I do – a lot less. It turns out that he only has a high school diploma, while I have an advanced degree.

When Charlie told me he had met my best friend’s husband “at school” I assumed he meant college or graduate school, not elementary school! Since we got along so well there was no way I could blow Charlie off without coming off as a snobby b—ch, so I acted like the difference in our earnings did not bother me and agreed to keep seeing him, figuring things would shortly fizzle.

It has been sixteen months and Charlie and I are still together. We have many of the same interests, which surprised me since my tastes tend to run towards the sophisticated, habits I picked up in college like wine tastings and theater. Charlie has been asking me about advancing our relationship. He would like to move in together, and since I own my own home and he rents it only makes sense for him to move in with me. Charlie would be a great homeowner; he is very handy around the house and can fix anything, and he enjoys landscaping and gardening. In fact, he has kept my yard looking exceptional ever since we started dating! I just can’t get past the money thing.

Charlie has offered to pay for half of my mortgage as well as half of the expenses, which will eat up about 75% of his paycheck but only around 30% of mine, should we split things this way. I know in my heart that this is not fair – that a relationship should be 50-50 – but I worked hard to earn my degrees without going into heavy debt and have continued to work hard to keep up my professional certifications. I am having a problem with the idea of parting with an additional 20% of my paycheck just so Charlie can keep more of his.

Do you think I will ever get past this problem with money? Do you think I should encourage Charlie to go to college and earn a degree? He seems pretty happy doing what he does (he assists a local contractor) and I would hate for him to take up a career he hates just for me. Was it a mistake to let things go this far? Should I just break up with him, even though I do love him?

Signed,

Uncertain In Carolina

Dear Uncertain In Carolina:

Which do you love more, Charlie or money? If the roles were reversed and Charlie made more than you, would you consider this to be a problem? Would you want to put in 50% of your paycheck while Charlie added 50% of his own to your shared finances? Would you prefer that you combine both paychecks and consider all monies household monies? If you can answer these questions truthfully, you will be on your way to knowing why you are having such problems with Charlie’s earning potential.

Quite honestly, you strike me as snobby. You discovered wine tastings and theater in college? My, you are so sophisticated! Most people discover wine while still in high school, while rummaging through Mom and Dad’s liquor cabinet in search for something to bring to a party, along with theater when they try out for the school play or are forced to read Shakespeare for their English class. While a higher level of education can expose a person to more “sophisticated” cultural offerings and a higher paycheck can make those offerings more attainable, such delights are not exclusive to the collegiate arena.

If you insist on reducing everything to money, I suggest you tally up the value of the services Charlie provides to your home. Landscaping and gardening? A landscaper will cost you a minimum of $25 a week to mow the lawn; gardening will go about the same but per hour, leaving you with at least a $200/month tab, if the lawn is mowed and the garden weeded on an alternating weekly schedule. A call to a handyman five times a year will go you another several hundred if not a few thousand in fees, barring any major catastrophes like a broken water heater or hurricane damage, which would put you much further into Charlie’s debt…let’s tack all of that onto Charlie’s financial worth and take it off of your own…are your salaries starting to line up yet, or do you need him to change the oil in and maintain your vehicle, too?

If you have a great relationship with someone, don’t try and put a monetary value on it. If in the end you still can’t see the value Charlie brings to your life (love, companionship, free lawn care), then you need to break up with him so he will be free to find a woman who deserves him. I feel sorry for you; you have a fortune right in front of you but cannot see his value.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Man Ask For (And Tazi Gives!) Tips On How to Spot A Gold-Digger

Dear Tazi:

I am a very wealthy man, one who was born into money and has worked hard to multiply what was left to me in trust by my grandparents. I was raised with good manners; exercise regularly to keep physically fit; have interests that range from sports to fine art; donate to charity and hold politically moderate views.

My marriage ended amicably after my wife and I grew apart, and I have been on the singles scene for about five years now. During that time I have dated several women whose ages have ranged from mid-twenties to mid-forties. All have been well-mannered, educated, and gainfully employed, but I could not shake the feeling that they were with me for the financial security I could offer them. One woman went so far to complain that the Valentine’s Day gift I bought her did not reflect my financial worth – a polite way of calling me cheap, I guess. Tazi, I am not cheap! I believe a gift should reflect the level of affection someone holds for another, not the balance of their checking account. Obviously, I broke up with that one.

I have met the women I have dated in various places – church, restaurants, and political gatherings, to name a few venues – but for some reason I only seem to attract gold-diggers; the last one tried to fake a pregnancy in order to get me to marry her – you should have seen the look on her face when I told her that I have had a vasectomy! I have tried dating women who are of secure financial means themselves, but most of them are either too busy with their careers to find time for a relationship or they are the “desperate housewife” type that secured their fortunes through marriage and divorce and are now on the hunt once more.

Tazi, all I want is to meet a nice woman who will love me for who I am, not for my finances. What do you think I am doing wrong?

Signed,

Richie Rich

Dear Richie Rich:

A good way to attract gold-diggers is to flash your wealth. Whether you realize it or not, there is a good chance you are dropping hints to your economic status. For example, what kind of car do you drive? Do you buy your pants off the rack or have them custom tailored? Are your shirt cuffs monogrammed? Are your jeans plain old reliable Levis or do you wear $150 Hugo Boss’? Do you wear flashy jewelry or a luxury watch? Do you get regular manicures? Each of these questions by itself will not tell anyone much, but combined can paint a picture of how much disposable income you have, and how you like to dispose of it.

 A woman who is after you for your money will be able to tally up these things in a single glance; a woman who is interested in you as an all-around person will appreciate that you are nicely dressed, but will probably not know the value of your wardrobe and accessories. A woman who is after your money may offer a compliment along the lines of “I love your Harry Winston”; in recognizing that you spent over $10,000 on a watch you are being flattered. A woman with no such aims would just say she likes your “nice watch” (the exception to this being if she works in the jewelry industry and would recognize a Harry Winston).

There are many other ways to sniff out gold-diggers, but it usually involves spending time getting to know them. Someone who is on a serious mission to marry wealth will have a game plan that will be hard to recognize when you first meet him or her (men can be gold-diggers, too!). In talking with some of my wealthier contacts over a glass of cream (wine for them), they offered the following warnings:

1.       Beware of flattery. Women who are after your money may refuse to allow you to buy them a drink, dinner, or popcorn at the movies thinking this reverse psychology will work, but every one of them will work to flatter you. Put your ego aside and ask yourself if her compliments are sincere. “I know my pot belly isn’t sexy, so don’t tell me you find it attractive”, offered a friend.

2.       Is she overdressed for the occasion? If you are sitting at the bar in a mid-priced restaurant and she walks in looking like she’s dressed to go clubbing in downtown Manhattan, be on your guard; she is hoping you will see her as someone you can take to fancier places.

3.       If you are at an upscale venue, do her clothes match what the other women are wearing or do they have a discount aura about them? Maybe the price tags are still attached somewhere? Does she show up week after week in the same designer outfit? If she is trying hard to look like she has more money than she actually does, this is a bad sign. As one man put it, “I hang out at the sports bar, too, and I would rather meet a woman there because it means we have similar interests. When I see a woman trying to pass off a knock-off as the real thing, I get suspicious. If she isn’t being honest about who she is with the crowd, how can I expect her to be honest with me?”

4.       How does she treat the bartender? Another source told me he hates “women who are rude to the bartender…it’s like she thinks he is hitting on her because he is being nice to her, and she doesn’t have time for someone who makes his money tending bar.”

5.       Trust your gut. If you get a bad feeling about the woman you are romancing, follow your instincts. Humans are the only animals who do not do as their instincts tell them, and they usually end up paying the price for it.

I hope these tips are helpful and wish you luck in finding the right woman to open your heart to, without having to open your wallet as well!

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.