Let Mom Decide If She Wants A Celebration

Dear Tazi:

My Mom will be turning 90 this spring. My brother wants to throw a huge party to celebrate "this milestone birthday", and would like me to pitch in with the cost. I would not have a problem with this if I felt Mom was up to a party, but I think a huge party will be too much for her at this advanced age. Her health is good, for a 90 year old, but she does like to take a nap during the day and tires easily with any excitement. I would like to observe my mother's birthday simply, with a small luncheon.

My brother feels that not having a party will disappoint a lot of people who would want to come "offer their congratulations and respect" to Mom, which has me thinking he only wants to have a party in order to collect the cash gifts that people are all but certain to bring. He has a history of doing this with his children's milestones. I am disgusted with this way of thinking and told my brother so. He replied that he will put "no gifts" on the invitation, but if people bring cash offerings he will not insult people by refusing them.

Tazi, what can I do? If I refuse to assist with the party it looks like I am ducking out of my mother's celebration. I know she will not be up to having both a big party and a luncheon, so it will have to be one or the other.

Signed,
Older Sister

Dear Older Sister:

Why not ask your mother how she would like to celebrate her birthday? It is her party, so she should be the one to decide what type of gathering is planned. Some nonagenarians are not up to the rigors of a huge party; others are like Betty White - still working at 93 (a belated Happy to you, O Hero to the Animals!)! [Ed. Note: Ms. White turned 93 on January 17th].

Simply bedazzling! 

While I personally do not like your brother's idea of using your mother's birthday as a fundraising occasion, many people - and entire cultures - see nothing wrong with this practice. Again, the decision to accept gifts or to politely refuse them should be left up to your mother. It is her birthday and the last time I checked, the title "Mother" indicates that she is the one in charge! As her children, you should respect her wishes - no matter how grown you are!

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Emotional Blackmail Is Still Blackmail

Dear Tazi:

My maiden aunt passed away last year. She was a spinster, as she liked to call herself, with no children of her own, and only my brother and I for nephews and nieces. We were both very close to “Aunt Carol” until about 15 years ago, when my brother realized she wasn’t going to pass anytime soon and stopped coming around to help out with the yard work and other house chores that needed to be done. Not wanting to leave these jobs to an elderly lady, I sent my then teenaged son over to mow her lawn, rake the yard, weed the garden, change the oil in her car, and other jobs that helped shape him into the fine young man he has become (if I do say so myself!).

I share all this so you will understand what comes next: Aunt Carol left her entire estate to me – her house, her investments, the rental properties left to her by my grandparents (her parents) after they passed. I was quite surprised at the inheritance that I received; I thought that she would leave everything to her church. I never did what I did for her out of expectation for repayment; I did it all because she was my aunt and I loved her.

My brother is very upset that he received nothing from Aunt Carol’s estate, and feels that all of his years of yard-work should have been rewarded. After her death, he contacted a lawyer and tried to contest the will, but Aunt Carol’s will was airtight and he had no standing. Since he has now struck out twice in his attempts to bilk Aunt Carol’s estate he is now trying a third pitch – emotional blackmail.

My brother has threatened to stop speaking to me if I do not share Aunt Carol’s estate with him. Tazi, my brother has always been the type to attempt get-rich-quick schemes (from car accidents to slip and fall injuries) so I am hesitant to share Aunt Carol’s estate with him. On the other hand, I am afraid if I don’t I will never see him again, and he is my brother after all. Then again, I am afraid if I give into his demands he will go through the money and then demand more, issuing the same threat of never speaking to me again. What to do?

Signed,
Stymied

Dear Stymied:

The problem with blackmail – emotional or otherwise – is that once the perpetrator realizes their methods are working the demands get larger and larger. You are correct in thinking that giving into your brother will only result in future demands. I realize that he is family – and close family at that – but that does not change the fact that your brother’s get-rich-quick tactics are incomprehensibly void of any morals. To offer to assist an elderly woman with her yard-work in an attempt to secure an inheritance is soulless.

Since I have a feeling that you are going to give into your brother’s demands regardless of what I think or say, I will advise you to compromise. Set aside an amount of money, property, or what have you that you are comfortable with giving to your brother and put it in a trust for him. You can establish the guidelines of the trust to ensure that he will not run through it and need more money. Whether you want the trust to mature upon a significant birthday (say 62 or 65 or some other retirement age) or to allow for a monthly stipend is up to you. An Accountant and/or Tax Attorney will be able to assist you with the specifics of such a trust; just make sure that the tax liability is your brother’s to pay, not yours. Just remember the old adage that no good deed goes unpunished, so do not be surprised if your brother decides to take the money and run in an attempt to punish you for not following his demands to the letter. Enter this matter with your eyes wide open: there is a good chance that you will not be seeing your brother until he needs money.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

The Baby In This Stroller Is A Real Dog

Dear Tazi:

I have a problem and I need an opinion from an animal lover. I am 16, and I have an adorable teacup Maltese named "Snowflake"; she has been with me since I was 10 and I love her very much! She only weighs 2 pounds, and fits into my purse she is so small. She is an indoor dog, and uses a litter-box like a cat. She has plenty of toys to play with, and gets enough exercise by running around the house and climbing up and down stairs. My mother, however, believes that dogs should be allowed to go outside to get sunshine and fresh air, and insists on taking her with her when she goes jogging. This is my problem:

Snowflake is obviously way too small to be able to keep up with my mother while she jogs, so my Mom - thinking this is a way to add resistance to her workout - insists on putting Snowflake into a huge baby stroller and pushing it as she jogs through the neighborhood. Not only is this completely humiliating (have you ever seen something like this?) but I am afraid that this practice puts Snowflake at risk of being snatched up by an animal predator. Birds of prey such as owls, falcons, and hawks have been spotted in my area; and leaving Snowflake exposed - like she is when she is in the baby stroller - makes her an easy target.

My Mom thinks I am over-reacting, and using the idea of Snowflake as a bird's lunch as an excuse to get her to stop this humiliating practice. The fact that tossing the baby stroller from her jog would be an added bonus to keeping Snowflake safe has crossed my mind; but it is not the reason I object to my Mom taking Snowflake on her jogs. I am honestly concerned about my dog's welfare! Could you please help me explain to my Mom the danger Snowflake is in every time she is taken out like this?

Signed,
Double Whammy

Dear Double Whammy:

I have in fact seen people who take their small dogs out for a stroll in a baby carriage/stroller; and I have often wondered exactly why they were doing that. Thank you for offering clarity on this practice. Can you also explain why someone might do this to a cat?



Just curious...

As for what you were saying about birds of prey, you are correct that they would find your dog a tasty meal, and in worrying about the fact that your dog would be exposed to them while being pushed in a baby stroller. Unless the stroller has a roof/cover on it, birds of prey will have that proverbial bird's-eye-view of your dog and would be able to swoop down on your pet before your mother would have the chance to react. Furthermore, these birds have an incredibly large wingspan (4 - 6 feet from wingtip to wingtip) and very sharp talons. If a bird were to swoop down to attack Snowflake while your mother was still moving, she could end up the unintended target of the attack. This is something that needs to be pointed out to her immediately.

While I agree that all animals need fresh air and sunshine, both can be found by a screened window on a sunny day. The veterinarians I have met at the animal hospital all say that being an indoor cat keeps me healthier and will let me live a longer life. The same can be said for your dog. If you must take Snowflake outside, you must also make sure that she is well protected - and a baby stroller is not a good form of protection. If your mother wishes to jog with a baby stroller for extra resistance, she can do just that; substituting a two-pound barbell in place of Snowflake.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Elderly Aunt Leaves Legacy Without Even Realizing It

Dear Tazi:

You remind me so much of my beloved Spats, except that your paws are all black and Spats has the most adorable white booties on his paws! I am writing to you today to ask your advice on a question I have regarding inheritance.

I am a 96 year old lady, who never married and has no children of my own; just several nephews and nieces, as well as grand-nephews and nieces, and even one great-grand nephew! Before my siblings all passed (I am the youngest of 11!), my nephews and nieces would visit me regularly with their children in tow. As the years passed on, so did my siblings and the visits from their children became fewer and far between until they completely stopped about 10 years ago.

A few months ago, my youngest grand-nephew, "Carl" started college. For his American History class, he had to interview someone who has lived through important moments in American history. I was quite flattered when he chose me because, as he said, "Aunty Nana, you have lived through so much history!" I suppose that was a polite way of saying I am old, but I also suppose it is true!

As a part of his project, Carl stopped by to visit me on several occasions to ask me questions about my memories of important events in U.S. History - the bombing of Pearl Harbor, the assassination of President Kennedy, the civil rights movement of the 1960's, and the like. I have truly enjoyed Carl's visits, and I think he enjoyed them, too, because he has continued to visit with me on a weekly basis; even though his project is now complete.

Tazi-Kat, until Carl started visiting me, I thought I had nobody to whom I could bequeath my sizeable estate when I pass. I was going to leave everything in trust for Spats, and then to charity when he passed; but now I am considering re-writing my will and, after making financial accommodations for Spats and a donation to my local ASPCA, leaving the remainder of my estate to Carl. My concern is that Carl is still young, and I fear his interest in spending time with me will be fleeting. I do not wish to bribe him into spending time with me, but I do not wish to leave an inheritance to one who deserts me in my old age. It is for this reason that I am not leaving anything to my nephews or nieces.

I am also concerned that if I do leave everything to Carl, he will see it as a door to Easy Street and leave school before he completes his education. His goal is to be a History teacher, like I was before I retired. I know how difficult it is to live on a teacher's salary - my fortune comes from investing well - so I know that an inheritance will be helpful to Carl should he continue on this path. My Spats loves him, and animals are a good judge of character, plus he seems like such a good, sincere young man. He introduced me to the Facebook that all of his cousins use to keep in touch with each other, and shows me the pictures they post of themselves so I may see what is going on with them. It was on the Facebook that I saw your column, too! Such a smart kitty you are! Do you have any advice for an old lady like me?

Signed,
Aunty Nana to 35

Dear Aunty Nana:

You sound like a lovely lady, old or not, and if I were there with you I would cuddle up on your lap and purr to show you how nice I think you are!

It is shameful that many of our country's elderly are left to live out their final years alone, so I can see why you appreciate your grand-nephew's visits and his interest in what you have to say. Judging by the fact that he wants to be a History teacher, I would say that his interest in you and all that you have lived through is quite sincere. His absence from your life up until this point should not be held against him - he would have been no older than 8 years old the last time he saw you, and may very well not have known of your existence up until a few months ago - so I would not worry about him suddenly becoming too busy to spend time with you.

I can understand your concerns about Carl's youth and for that reason, should you decide to leave your estate to him, it should be left in trust for him until he

A) Reaches a certain age (say 25)
B) Completes his education and finds employment in his field or
C) Both of the above

This plan will guarantee that Carl is old enough (and hopefully mature enough) to handle a sizable inheritance and has completed his education. When a person goes through the trouble of earning a degree and in Carl's case, two degrees - a Bachelors and a Masters, as a graduate degree is required to teach in many states - they generally are not in a hurry to completely abandon it; regardless of their financial situation.

Please keep in mind, though, that you may have many years still ahead of you to mentor Carl and encourage him in his studies, so try to put worry aside and enjoy your time together. Whether you realize it or not, mentoring is what you are doing during your weekly visits with your grand-nephew; and this is a gift that no amount of money could ever buy! Long after you have passed on, the financial cushion that you leave Carl - however small or sizable - will be appreciated; but the time you spent with him is a legacy that will mean all the more.

Snuggles, snuggles, and more snuggles to you and Spats,
Tazi

P.S. Should you bequeath your estate to Carl, you need not tell him of your decision. This way, you can always change your mind should circumstances change, and there will be no hard feelings against you.

A Choice Between A Rock And A Hard Place Is A Difficult One To Make

Dear Tazi:

I am a college student, and I am paying my own way through school. My mother and step-father let me live at home without paying rent, but that is all they do for me. I have to buy my own food, and contribute to the cost of the monthly utilities in addition to paying my tuition - which I have to cover in full because I do not receive financial aid; my step-father refuses to submit his tax return, and since I am only 19 I am considered a dependant student. My Mom does not work, and is listed as a dependant on my step-father's taxes. My father passed away when I was six, so I have nowhere else to turn for a tax return to submit.

I work full-time and had to drop my school schedule down to part-time because I did not have the time or money to continue as a full-time student this semester. I want to major in Nursing, which is a full-time program and a full time job all rolled into one, so I am currently trying to save as much money as possible so I can take time away from work once I enter Nursing school. This has put me in a tough spot financially.

I do all I can to cut expenses. I buy all of my clothes at thrift shops, and what I can't get there I buy at discount stores. I do not drive my car, so I do not have to pay insurance, and as the weather has gotten colder I have bought extra blankets and sweaters so I do not have to turn the heat on in my part of the house. Because of all this frugality, I AM MISERABLE!!! Do you have any idea what it is like to have to buy your bras from the local factory seconds store? (Of course not, you're a cat, but you know what I mean!).

My elderly grandmother is quite wealthy, and is in need of home-care. She has offered to let me come live with her (for free; room, board, utilities, and use of an insured car included!) and give me a small weekly stipend if I agree to leave my job and make caring for her my full-time job, scheduling my classes for late-morning through mid-afternoon while she is at the senior center. This opportunity sounds like a dream come true! It will give me experience in the field of home health care; it will get me out from under my step-father's roof; and will give me back all that I have had to give up in order to complete my education. So what's the catch? My grandmother is a flaming racist, and my step-father is black. It is for this reason that my Mom is estranged from my grandmother; and she thinks that my grandmother is only offering me the job of caring for her to spite her and my step-father.

At this point, I am not sure if I would care if my grandmother was a Mexican drug lord so long as it got me out from my Mom and step-father's grip, but I am afraid that my situation will end up as my Mom is predicting: decide in haste, repent at leisure. She has told me that if I leave to live with my grandmother I will not be welcome back in our home. School let's out for the semester in early May, and I don't go back until the end of August, so I have the summer to make a decision if necessary (Grandma is not rushing me. She has told me to take my time to think about it). What would you do if you were in my situation, Tazi-Kat?

Signed,
Arkansas Cinderella

Dear Arkansas Cinderella:

I read through your letter twice, just to make sure I wasn't missing anything, and both times I noticed that you never refer to your mother and step-father as your "parents" - your mother is always "Mom" and your step-father is always "my step-father". You do not say for how long they have been married, but it sounds to me that there is absolutely no father-daughter bond between you and your mother's husband. With your mother financially dependent upon your step-father, I can see why she would side with him on all fronts.

Although their treatment of you sounds extreme, it is their house and their rules apply - although I would think they would be willing to cut you some slack in consideration of your academic schedule and career goals. Since they have not, you have every right to do what you feel you must in order to put yourself on the path to success. I realize that your grandmother is a "flaming racist", and although I cannot approve of her attitude, it is not my place to pass judgment upon her - that will be up to you in deciding whether or not to accept her offer.

Should you choose to accept your grandmother's offer to come live with her in return for home-care and other incentives, you must be prepared to hear what she has to say on the subject of your mother's marriage. Your grandmother may surprise you by having nothing at all to say on the subject. In reaching out to you, she could be making an attempt to reconcile with your mother - people tend to do such things when they are nearing the last of their years.

If, however, your grandmother chooses to spout hateful comments about your mother and her choice of husband you - as a compensated employee - will have to tolerate her comments (to a large extent) or resign your position as her home-care aide. Once you can honestly answer how you think you would react to such racist commentary about your Mom and step-father you will know whether or not you should accept your grandmother's offer. It sounds to me that you have to choose between a rock and a hard place. You have my sympathies.

Snuggles,
Tazi-Kat

Light Fingered Sister-In-Law Keeps Borrowing Trouble

Dear Readers:

In honor of my 10th birthday this week (6/26) I am taking a week-long vacation! For your entertainment, I am re-posting some classic columns that you may have missed the first time!

--T.K.

Dear Tazi-Kat:

My sister-in-law has a very bad habit of never returning the things she borrows - specifically, my designer clothes. What is worse, since I stopped loaning items to her (after her failure to return too many of my things) she has taken it upon herself to "borrow without permission" that which she likes. I recently caught her wearing my Hugo Boss leather jacket that I have been searching for since last season! When I confronted her about it, she admitted to taking it since it "went perfectly with the outfit she was wearing" the last time she stopped by to visit her brother (my husband) and she had forgotten to bring a jacket of her own. When I demanded it back, she refused, saying it was chilly out and she did not want to be cold!

Short of filing a police report against her (which I would have no problem doing at this point), is there any way I can get my stuff back? My husband refuses to get involved, saying that the issue is between me and his sister. Our marriage is already strained, and his refusal to act is not helping matters any.

Signed,
Losing Patience Along With My Stuff!

Dear Losing Patience:

Since your marriage is in a rocky state, you really should reconsider filing a police report against your husband's sister. You also might want to remind your husband that your leather jacket went missing on his watch, which puts him directly in the center of the problem; and that unless he is willing to buy you a new designer leather jacket out of his personal spending money it should be up to him to retrieve it from his sister...and you should add that Hugo Boss leather jackets start at upwards of $800, just so he understands that his sister's habit is no petty issue. In fact, many states would consider it to be grand larceny; a crime that could carry a hefty prison sentence. This is one reason why you should hesitate to take police action. Another reason is that it sounds like your sister-in-law needs some professional help to deal with her bad habit of "borrowing without permission".

If, after explaining the entire situation to him, your husband still refuses to assist you in the return of your jacket and other items, you might be able to enlist the assistance of other family members who have lost stuff to your sister-in-law. If however, they too refuse to assist you, you must work up the nerve to confront your sister-in-law on her home turf.

I suggest that you show up at her house at a time that you know she will be home and tell her you want your stuff back - all of it. Come prepared with a detailed list of what is yours, listing the item and a description of it (size, color, etc.) in order to expedite what I am pretty sure will not be a pleasant visit. If she still refuses to return your clothes, you have two choices: you can accept your losses and put locks on your bedroom and closet doors in order to keep your sister-in-law out of them the next time she visits; or you can threaten to get the police involved.

I seriously recommend the less confrontational path of door locks; but in the end the choice is yours - my position is to advise, not to judge. Just remember that if your sister-in-law calls your bluff, whether or not to follow through will be up to you; so you might want to ask yourself if your clothes are worth the destruction of your relationship with your sister-in-law and her family, and quite possibly your "already strained" marriage.

-- Tazi-Kat

P.S. For the sake of all involved, I sincerely hope your husband intervenes!

Bride-To-Be Has Cold Feet Towards Future Husband, But Warms Towards Future Brother-In-Law

Dear Tazi-Kat:

I am afraid that I am about to make the biggest mistake of my life. I am engaged, and my wedding is scheduled for December 12, 2012 - 12/12/12 - but I think I am marrying the wrong man. "Marc" is a good man, and I do love him; but I don't think I am in love with him. Throughout our relationship (2+ years) I have been happy; but I have always felt like there was something missing. Last month, Marc's brother "Justin" came home from oversees (he is a contractor who was working in the Middle East) and I got to meet him for the first time. Because they are brothers and are close in age they resemble each other, but that does not explain the amazing attraction I feel towards Justin. It is like he is the man I have been searching for my whole life and Marc is simply a shadow of him - which would explain my attraction to Marc.

I honestly believe that Justin is my soul-mate, and that he and I are meant to be together. The problem is, I do not know for certain how Justin feels about me. Obviously, he cannot say anything, what with me being engaged to his brother, but I a pretty certain that the attraction is mutual and he is just hiding it for the sake of family unity. I would like to say something to Justin, but am afraid that, if on the off chance he does not feel the same way, he will rat me out to Marc - then I will be left alone, with neither Justin or Marc.

I am very confused, Tazi-Kat; but like they say, the heart wants what the hearts wants - and my heart wants Justin. Could you advise me on what my next step should be, Tazi-Kat? I really feel like I should act soon, in order to make certain that I marry the correct brother on 12/12/12!

Signed,
In Love With The Other Brother

Dear In Love...:

Let me get this straight: You have known your future brother-in-law for less than a month, but are already proclaiming your love for him - and are hoping that he feels the same, and will put these feelings for you above loyalty to his family? Sweetheart, you have been reading one too many Harlequin Romance novels if you think that is going to happen.

What is most likely going on is that you have cold-feet as your wedding date approaches, and are seeking a viable reason to call off the marriage without losing the security of your romantic relationship. By trading one brother for another, you would not have to go through the work of meeting someone new; developing relationships with his family; and doing all of the awkward "getting to know you" things that occur at the start of a new relationship. However, even if you were able to simply leave Marc to date Justin, do you honestly think that their family would be fine with this scenario? Something tells me the answer to that is "no".

Right now, you have a full eleven months before your wedding - to Marc. I will not even address the idea of using your current wedding date and plans to marry his brother. I suggest that your immediate action be to dial the number of a licensed counselor to hash over all that you have written in your letter [Editor's Note: The letter was edited due to length and explicit content]. Regular sessions with a professional will help you to accept what is reality and what is fantasy; as well as assist you in accepting that which can never be reality.

I also suggest that you and Marc get some premarital counseling, if you are not already doing so. In discussing what you both expect from each other - and your future together - your interest in Justin may wane and your uncertainties about Marc may be calmed. Or, you may find the exact opposite to be true - either way, you and Marc will be moving forward with all of your cards upon the table. I realize that some of the things that are addressed may be hurtful to Marc, but it is better to address these matters before the two of you are married rather than after.

Once you have clarity on why you have stayed with Marc - in spite of the fact that you feel something is "missing" - and why you feel such sudden attraction to Justin, you will be able to make a firm decision on whether or not to call off the wedding. Since your wedding date is still a full year away - and on a date that is certain to be in demand, regardless of the fact that it falls on a Wednesday - I do not think you will have a problem getting a return on your deposits if your doubts are still in place as the day draws nearer.

-- Tazi-Kat