In Old Age, Neglectful Father Reaps What He Has Sown

Ed. Note: This letter was edited for length and content. Left out was the reader's comment that she suggested her father sell his house and move in with her; he refused, and called her a "selfish, ungrateful brat of a child". I hope this clarifies my response. --T.K.

Dear Tazi:

I have tried my whole life to win my father’s love and respect, but the problem is one that I could never resolve. He has never gotten over his disappointment that I was born a girl. When I was a child he used to dress me in gender neutral clothing and take me to the playground, where he would encourage me to play sports with the boys. As I got older, he saw that I was enrolled in Little League baseball and the community basketball team. Thankfully, both sports were co-ed, so I was able to fit in with my peers and my mother never objected because she believed sports were good exercise and that team sports would make me a well-rounded person.

By the time I reached junior high, I was tired of androgynous clothing and team sports. I wanted to wear skirts and dresses and try out for the cheerleading squad. I did all of that, and that was the last my father ever paid any attention to me. Over the years, I have tried reaching out to him but it was never any good; I could not do anything right. If he was walking the dog and I offered to go with him he would refuse me, saying the dog would act up in front of me because he liked to show off in front of people. If he was washing the car and I offered to help, he told me it was easier to do it himself. No matter what I tried, it never worked, so I finally gave up and accepted the fact that I had lost my father for good. The last time I saw him was a few years ago at my mother’s funeral.

I am now in my thirties and my father is in his seventies and in failing health. Out of the blue he called me and asked me to move home to be with him because he can no longer live alone and does not want to go into a nursing home or pay for an assisted living facility. Although I am single, I own my own home and have a very fulfilling life in my own community, which is about a two hour drive from my father’s house.

Being an only child of late-in-life parents, a part of me feels like I am obligated to honor my father’s wises; but the larger part of me wants nothing to do with him! He pushed me away when I finally got up the nerve to act like a girl instead of a tomboy, and now that he is old and failing he wants me to come play nursemaid to him. It has taken me a long time and a lot of counseling to accept our distant relationship, and I do not wish to upset the fragile balance I have achieved; but I am afraid that if I refuse his request I will have regrets when he is gone.

Signed,
Orphan Annie
Dear Orphan Annie:

You have both my sympathies and my understanding over your tenuous relationship with your father. He strikes me as a selfish man who, rather than pay someone to assist him (like a visiting nurse), would rather take advantage of the child he rejected.

Some men have difficulty relating to their daughters which can come off as a lack of caring, but it appears that your fathers issues run deeper than that. By dressing you in gender neutral clothing and sending you off to play with the boys it appears that he was indulging in some warped fantasy that you were, indeed, the son for whom he had hoped. Only now that his life is nearing its end does he wish for you to embrace the traditional female role of personal nurse, and that is only so he can save some money that he will…what? Pass on to you when he dies? Money is best spent while we are still living, so if he has the means I would suggest that he consider hiring a visiting nurse or look into an assisted living facility.

Your father’s gross ignorance of your life outside of him can be forgiven considering the fact that he probably was unaware of it; however, it is up to you to explain to him why you will not – and cannot – drop everything to come live with him. This is the only thing you are obligated to do for him. Do not feel guilty for not honoring your relationship to him, for there is no relationship with him to honor.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Mother Seeks Favor With Un-favored Daughter After Favorite Sons Say No

Dear Tazi:

I was born out-of-wedlock, and my mother never misses a chance to remind me that she could have had an abortion or put me up for adoption, but no; she carried me to term and kept me in spite of the social scandal it was at the time. Growing up, I was made to feel like I was not good enough; and when Mom got married and had five children (all boys) with her husband, I became a persona non grata.

When I turned eighteen I escaped my parents’ house and moved away with a friend. I met my husband, “Donald”, while working at a coffee shop. He was in his final year of business school at the time and really could not afford to buy a coffee every day; but he really wanted to see me, too! (This explained why he always bought a small coffee, and paid for it with loose change). When I told my parents how we met, they said it would never last and that a man who could not even afford a coffee was not the kind of man I should marry.

It has been ten years since our wedding (which my parents refused to attend) and Donald and I are still happily married. He owns his own investment firm, and he are financially stable in spite of the difficult economy. Overall, we are successful as a couple and individuals and I am happy with my life. Now, my mother is trying to ruin it.

Mother’s husband recently left her for a younger woman, and she is devastated. She is unable to support herself and has not worked in years – my step-father is well-off – and has no marketable skills or the desire to learn any; instead, she is demanding to move in with Donald and me.

Once again my mother is reminding me that she could have had an abortion or turned me out, but she raised me anyway, and now that she needs a home and someone to care for her I am coldly turning my back on her. Before I could say anything, Donald stepped up and told her off! He told her she was a horrible mother to me and that he would never, ever allow her to live with us; that anyone who would dare speak so abusively to his wife was not welcome in our home. Tazi, have I told you yet how much I love my husband?

My problem now is that my mother has told everyone she knows that my husband is an ogre who refuses to allow her to set foot in my house; that he is keeping us separated against my will. My five half-brothers have all called and left nasty messages for us saying how awful we are that we won’t take Mother in during her time of need. Tazi, all five of them own their own homes and have plenty of room for her! They simply refuse to offer her living space because, as the youngest told me, “you’re the daughter; you get her, that’s how it goes”.

Tazi, I do not mind what my brothers say about me and Donald – I know that it is simply their way of trying to get me to buckle so they won’t get stuck with Mother – but I am upset that Mother’s friends think my husband is some kind of evil, controlling beast. Should I try to make contact with them to correct the impression my mother has given? Or do you think that would further complicate things?

Signed,
Cinderella

Dear Cinderella:

I am so glad you found your Prince, because your mother sounds like a very abusive woman. You sound like you have adjusted quite well in life, in spite of your difficult upbringing, and I am very impressed with the way your husband stands by your side to protect you. Normally, I would question whether or not you were okay with him speaking up to your mother on your behalf; but it sounds like you had no problem with him handling this particular fastball. So long as he allows you to speak your mind independently, and only acts the role of Knight in Shining Armor when he knows this is your preference, I have no issue with his actions. Is your mother aware that this is the dynamic between you and Donald? If not, I can see why she would think him “an ogre”.

Moving forward, I would give your mother’s friends more credit than you currently are; remember that your half-brothers have also refused to take dear old Mother into their homes, and this is not something that will go unnoticed in the gossip circles. Calling your mother’s friends to give your side of the story will only add fuel to this raging fire.

Your mother is obviously in a bind, one that I am certain she will manage to get out of on her own. As cruel as her statements to you have been, they do hold a lot of truth; only a strong woman would have been able to go against the tide of the times and have a child out-of-wedlock. Do not allow your mother’s guilt-tripping to derail your life.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Repost: Tazi's Corner #34 - Take Time Before Time Takes You

Dear Readers,

This week, while sitting on top of the HELP WANTED ads (because I cannot have Mommie leaving the house for work) I saw an ad that just about broke my little kitten heart. In short, it read as follows:

COMPANION NEEDED: Companion needed 1 – 2 hours a week to play chess with elderly gentleman with MS. $20/hr…

How sad that this man’s children must pay someone ($20 an hour, at that!) to spend time with their father, indulging in a game of kings. I realize that people work during the day, that chess is not everyone’s cup of tea, but how far have we fallen as a society that we must pay a stranger to act as a companion to keep our elderly loved ones entertained? How inconvenient would it be to see that Father has a ride to the local Senior Center to meet up with some of his old cronies? How distasteful would it be to take the time to learn how to play chess and to spend 120 minutes a week sitting with Grandpa and listening to him talk? How off-putting would it be to assist Uncle in moving the pieces when his hands do not want to go where he is directing them?  How far have we fallen, indeed…?  Atticus Finch would have sent Jem and Scout to visit, for free.

If you look in the mirror and see someone who doesn't have time for those who crave even the smallest ounce of companionship, maybe now is the time to reflect on how to carve time into your busy schedule, before you become the one with all the time in the world…and no one with whom to spend it.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

A Choice Between A Rock And A Hard Place Is A Difficult One To Make

Dear Tazi:

I am a college student, and I am paying my own way through school. My mother and step-father let me live at home without paying rent, but that is all they do for me. I have to buy my own food, and contribute to the cost of the monthly utilities in addition to paying my tuition - which I have to cover in full because I do not receive financial aid; my step-father refuses to submit his tax return, and since I am only 19 I am considered a dependant student. My Mom does not work, and is listed as a dependant on my step-father's taxes. My father passed away when I was six, so I have nowhere else to turn for a tax return to submit.

I work full-time and had to drop my school schedule down to part-time because I did not have the time or money to continue as a full-time student this semester. I want to major in Nursing, which is a full-time program and a full time job all rolled into one, so I am currently trying to save as much money as possible so I can take time away from work once I enter Nursing school. This has put me in a tough spot financially.

I do all I can to cut expenses. I buy all of my clothes at thrift shops, and what I can't get there I buy at discount stores. I do not drive my car, so I do not have to pay insurance, and as the weather has gotten colder I have bought extra blankets and sweaters so I do not have to turn the heat on in my part of the house. Because of all this frugality, I AM MISERABLE!!! Do you have any idea what it is like to have to buy your bras from the local factory seconds store? (Of course not, you're a cat, but you know what I mean!).

My elderly grandmother is quite wealthy, and is in need of home-care. She has offered to let me come live with her (for free; room, board, utilities, and use of an insured car included!) and give me a small weekly stipend if I agree to leave my job and make caring for her my full-time job, scheduling my classes for late-morning through mid-afternoon while she is at the senior center. This opportunity sounds like a dream come true! It will give me experience in the field of home health care; it will get me out from under my step-father's roof; and will give me back all that I have had to give up in order to complete my education. So what's the catch? My grandmother is a flaming racist, and my step-father is black. It is for this reason that my Mom is estranged from my grandmother; and she thinks that my grandmother is only offering me the job of caring for her to spite her and my step-father.

At this point, I am not sure if I would care if my grandmother was a Mexican drug lord so long as it got me out from my Mom and step-father's grip, but I am afraid that my situation will end up as my Mom is predicting: decide in haste, repent at leisure. She has told me that if I leave to live with my grandmother I will not be welcome back in our home. School let's out for the semester in early May, and I don't go back until the end of August, so I have the summer to make a decision if necessary (Grandma is not rushing me. She has told me to take my time to think about it). What would you do if you were in my situation, Tazi-Kat?

Signed,
Arkansas Cinderella

Dear Arkansas Cinderella:

I read through your letter twice, just to make sure I wasn't missing anything, and both times I noticed that you never refer to your mother and step-father as your "parents" - your mother is always "Mom" and your step-father is always "my step-father". You do not say for how long they have been married, but it sounds to me that there is absolutely no father-daughter bond between you and your mother's husband. With your mother financially dependent upon your step-father, I can see why she would side with him on all fronts.

Although their treatment of you sounds extreme, it is their house and their rules apply - although I would think they would be willing to cut you some slack in consideration of your academic schedule and career goals. Since they have not, you have every right to do what you feel you must in order to put yourself on the path to success. I realize that your grandmother is a "flaming racist", and although I cannot approve of her attitude, it is not my place to pass judgment upon her - that will be up to you in deciding whether or not to accept her offer.

Should you choose to accept your grandmother's offer to come live with her in return for home-care and other incentives, you must be prepared to hear what she has to say on the subject of your mother's marriage. Your grandmother may surprise you by having nothing at all to say on the subject. In reaching out to you, she could be making an attempt to reconcile with your mother - people tend to do such things when they are nearing the last of their years.

If, however, your grandmother chooses to spout hateful comments about your mother and her choice of husband you - as a compensated employee - will have to tolerate her comments (to a large extent) or resign your position as her home-care aide. Once you can honestly answer how you think you would react to such racist commentary about your Mom and step-father you will know whether or not you should accept your grandmother's offer. It sounds to me that you have to choose between a rock and a hard place. You have my sympathies.

Snuggles,
Tazi-Kat

An Unlocked Door Is A Burglar's Dream Come True!

Dear Tazi:

I am a widowed woman who lives with my elderly mother-in-law, "Millie", so as to assist her around the house. This arrangement allows her to stay in her own home, and helps me to feel more secure - both financially (I do pay rent, but much less than I would pay for a private apartment; Millie has no mortgage) and personally. My problem is my feelings of personal safety are starting to dwindle.

About six months ago, Millie and I brought home a shelter cat, for companionship and to keep the field mice that have invaded our yard in check. Since we do not have a pet-door installed, we must personally see to letting "Bruiser" in and out of the house. Millie does not sleep well at night, and has taken to letting Bruiser out in the middle of the night - and then forgetting to lock the door behind her when she returns to bed. When I wake up in the morning and find the door unlocked, I am completely unnerved; and I find that Millie's bad habit is now affecting my sleep. Whenever I hear a strange noise in the night I am petrified that someone has entered the house to rob us.

I have mentioned my concerns to Millie, but she just pooh-pooh's me, as if I am acting like a scared child. Tazi-Kat, my late husband was a police officer. He always insisted we keep the doors locked against the risk of home invasion, and passed this lesson on to Millie and his father, as well. He would tell me that most robberies occurred due to unlocked doors and windows, and as a police officer he saw more than his share of heartbroken homeowners who wished they had taken such simple precautions against theft and other crimes!

With the holidays just past, the annual rise in home invasions is set to occur as thieves are on the lookout for brand new big-screen TV's and other electronics; fine jewelry (from Christmas and Valentine's Day); and other in-demand items, like computers/laptops that go on sale in January (and, according to my late husband, get stolen in February!). I do not care for our house to be on some burglar’s hit-list! Do you have any advice on how to get Millie to see the seriousness of the situation?

Signed,
Not A Scaredy-Cat!

Dear Not A Scaredy-Cat:

You do not say how old Millie is, just that she is "elderly"; but with age can come stubbornness. Millie is probably very set in her ways, so trying to get her to develop new habits is going to be an exercise in futility. However, if Millie's forgetting to lock the doors is a new habit - did she ever follow her son's advice about locking doors? - perhaps she should be screened for illnesses that affect memory - Alzheimer's, senility, dementia, or other issues that will escalate if not caught and treated early. According to WebMD, early signs of these diseases include difficulty exercising good judgment and sudden changes in personal habits.

As for the problem of the unlocked doors, perhaps a pet-door would be the solution to your problem? They are relatively easy to install, as well as inexpensive. A pet-door for a cat - even one as large sounding as one named "Bruiser" - will not be anywhere near big enough for a human to squeeze through, so it will not compromise your safety. Some pet doors also come with locking mechanisms, so you can secure them if that is your preference. As for wild-life finding their way though it, once Bruiser starts using it your friendly neighborhood squirrels and field mice will give it a wide berth,so this should not be a cause for concern either.

Thank you so much for your wise insight into theft and how thieves think - something many an honest person would never have realized!

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. I compliment you on your wise choice to adopt a shelter cat! Although most people want kittens, you don't know what kind of cat they will become! With a grown cat, you know the personality of the cat you are adopting. (Yep, my Mommie lucked out when I chose her! She got herself a top-of-the-line quality feline who loooooves to snuggle!).

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Repost: Elderly Aunt Leaves Legacy Without Even Realizing It

[Ed. Note: Tazi-Kat is taking a holiday vacation this week. Please enjoy a letter that you may have missed the first time around!]

Dear Tazi-Kat,

You remind me so much of my beloved Spats, except that your paws are all black and Spats has the most adorable white booties on his paws! I am writing to you today to ask your advice on a question I have regarding inheritance.

I am a 96 year old lady, who never married and has no children of my own; just several nephews and nieces, as well as grand-nephews and nieces, and even one great-grand nephew! Before my siblings all passed (I am the youngest of 11!), my nephews and nieces would visit me regularly with their children in tow. As the years passed on, so did my siblings and the visits from their children became fewer and far between until they completely stopped about 10 years ago.

A few months ago, my youngest grand-nephew, "Carl" started college. For his American History class, he had to interview someone who has lived through important moments in American history. I was quite flattered when he chose me because, as he said, "Aunty Nana, you have lived through so much history!" I suppose that was a polite way of saying I am old, but I also suppose it is true!

As a part of his project, Carl stopped by to visit me on several occasions to ask me questions about my memories of important events in U.S. History - the bombing of Pearl Harbor, the assassination of President Kennedy, the civil rights movement of the 1960's, and the like. I have truly enjoyed Carl's visits, and I think he enjoyed them, too, because he has continued to visit with me on a weekly basis; even though his project is now complete.

Tazi-Kat, until Carl started visiting me, I thought I had nobody to whom I could bequeath my sizeable estate when I pass. I was going to leave everything in trust for Spats, and then to charity when he passed; but now I am considering re-writing my will and, after making financial accommodations for Spats and a donation to my local ASPCA, leaving the remainder of my estate to Carl. My concern is that Carl is still young, and I fear his interest in spending time with me will be fleeting. I do not wish to bribe him into spending time with me, but I do not wish to leave an inheritance to one who deserts me in my old age. It is for this reason that I am not leaving anything to my nephews or nieces.

I am also concerned that if I do leave everything to Carl, he will see it as a door to Easy Street and leave school before he completes his education. His goal is to be a History teacher, like I was before I retired. I know how difficult it is to live on a teacher's salary - my fortune comes from investing well - so I know that an inheritance will be helpful to Carl should he continue on this path. My Spats loves him, and animals are a good judge of character, plus he seems like such a good, sincere young man. He introduced me to the Facebook that all of his cousins use to keep in touch with each other, and shows me the pictures they post of themselves so I may see what is going on with them. It was on the Facebook that I saw your column, too! Such a smart kitty you are! Do you have any advice for an old lady like me?

Signed,
Aunty Nana to 35

Dear Aunty Nana:

You sound like a lovely lady, old or not, and if I were there with you I would cuddle up on your lap and purr to show you how nice I think you are!

It is shameful that many of our country's elderly are left to live out their final years alone, so I can see why you appreciate your grand-nephew's visits and his interest in what you have to say. Judging by the fact that he wants to be a History teacher, I would say that his interest in you and all that you have lived through is quite sincere. His absence from your life up until this point should not be held against him - he would have been no older than 8 years old the last time he saw you, and may very well not have known of your existence up until a few months ago - so I would not worry about him suddenly becoming too busy to spend time with you.

I can understand your concerns about Carl's youth and for that reason, should you decide to leave your estate to him, it should be left in trust for him until he

A) Reaches a certain age (say 25)
B) Completes his education and finds employment in his field or
C) Both of the above

This plan will guarantee that Carl is old enough (and hopefully mature enough) to handle a sizable inheritance and has completed his education. When a person goes through the trouble of earning a degree and in Carl's case, two degrees - a Bachelors and a Masters, as a graduate degree is required to teach in many states - they generally are not in a hurry to completely abandon it; regardless of their financial situation.

Please keep in mind, though, that you may have many years still ahead of you to mentor Carl and encourage him in his studies, so try to put worry aside and enjoy your time together. Whether you realize it or not, mentoring is what you are doing during your weekly visits with your grand-nephew; and this is a gift that no amount of money could ever buy! Long after you have passed on, the financial cushion that you leave Carl - however small or sizable - will be appreciated; but the time you spent with him is a legacy that will mean all the more.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Elderly Father-In-Law Refuses To Eat Heart-Healthy

Dear Tazi:

I have an elderly father-in-law with a heart condition. I love the man dearly and would hate to see him pass but at the same time want him to enjoy the years he has left. "Pop" lives with my husband and me, so I pretty much control the menu and can balance his dietary needs; it's his dietary wants that make life a bit difficult.

Pop loves butter. And cheese. And wine. There pretty much is not a saturated fat out there that Pop does not love to indulge in, usually with a glass of dark red wine. I understand that a glass of red wine a day is considered heart healthy, so I am not overly worried about that, but Pop loves to sprinkle his pasta with Parmesan cheese; his bread with gobs of butter; and of course he puts cream - not half and half or heaven forbid, milk, - in his coffee when he is done with dinner.

I try to control what Pop puts into his body, but he tells me to leave him alone - if he dies, he will die happy. I try to tell him that those of us left behind would appreciate it if he didn't try to rush his way into a dirt nap (as Pop calls death) but he refuses to listen. Due to HIPAA laws I cannot discuss this matter with his physician, since my husband and I do not have medical power of attorney over Pop. Do you have any snappy arguments that will make a sassy old-timer listen?

Signed,
His Daughter (In Law)

Dear His Daughter (In Law):

It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with your father-in-law, and I am happy to hear he has someone like you to care for him and see that he does not neglect his health. An argument that I find successful in dealing with people who refuse to moderate their diet in consideration of health conditions is this: There are worse things than dying from a massive heart attack or a major stroke; you could live through a massive heart attack or a major stroke. Do you have any idea of poor your quality of life will be if that happens?

As cruel as this response sounds, it is the unvarnished truth; to live through a major, debilitating stroke is considered by many to be a fate worse than death - one your Pop does not seem to be considering. Is there a reason he is so adamant about ignoring his health? Does he suffer from depression? Is he widowed and missing his wife? An appointment with a gerontologist may be just what your Pop needs to help him navigate the years ahead....however many or few he is granted!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Elderly Father Now Reaps What He Sowed...So Why Does Daughter Feel Guilty?

Dear Tazi:

My father is a mean, miserable, crotchety old man who never cared a lick for anyone but himself. When times got tough he divorced my mother and married his secretary – but not before secretly transferring his business to her (for a dollar, to make it legally binding) and hiding all of his other assets. He was living the high life with his new wife, while Mom struggled to raise me and my brothers.  I was working full-time by the age of 16, just to help make ends meet, while my father was driving around in a new sports car – a “gift” from his wife, who held all of their accounts so he could pay as little as possible in child support in order to keep up with his preferred lifestyle.

Shortly before my youngest brother’s 18^th birthday my father’s wife left him, and he was left to rebuild his life with only half of the financial assets. My mother told me not to be so gleeful about his misery, that it was not Christian, and that I needed to learn to forgive; that my father’s leaving had helped to make me the hard working success I was becoming. For my Mom’s sake I have tried to forgive my father, and I thought I had until now.

My father lives two hours away from me and took a massive heart attack last week. He lived through it, but once he is discharged from the hospital he will have to go to a nursing home for rehabilitation, since he lives alone and there will be nobody nearby to help with his care. He will only be allowed a short stay in rehab and then he will be sent back home. My father has called me and told me that I will have to come and care for him; that it is my “duty” as his only daughter.

I have told my father that I already have a full-time job and that I will not be commuting to his house twice a day, before and after work, and on weekends to take care for him. He then suggested that I take a leave of absence from work; I wanted to suggest that he go to Hell, but I remembered my Mom’s words about remaining Christian and instead told him to hire a visiting nurse, that I am sure his health insurance will pay for it.

Tazi, I know that I am doing the right thing by doing what is best for me and that my father is now reaping the seeds he sowed all those years ago…so why do I feel guilty that I am not putting myself out to help the man? Could I be doing more for him? He is my father, even if he is a real stinker of one. More importantly, should I be doing more to help him? He has not asked anything of my brothers, and they in turn would refuse him if he did; my youngest brother hasn’t seen our father since he was 8 years old.  On the one hand, I feel like I am his only hope; on the other hand, I feel like he doesn’t deserve to have hope.

Signed,

??????

Dear ??????:

Not knowing you I cannot tell you why you feel guilty about not helping your father. I can only speculate that you have been raised to forgive, forget, and move on from the hurt. You need to remember that forgiving does not mean painting a target on your back for people to dump all over you once again.

Forgiveness is not for the other person – it is for you. Forgiveness allows you to free your soul from the anger that weighs it down when it is overloaded with the pain of being hurt. While you may want to forgive your father for his physical and financial abandonment of you as a child, you don’t have to thank him for it. You became the successful woman you are today through your own hard work; the only part his abandonment played was to create the need for the determination to succeed.

You may also be feeling a desire to reconcile old hurts before you can fully put them behind you. Your father’s demand that you serve him in his time of need is a reflection of his selfishness (and sexism, since he is only making these demands of you because you are female) and this is a personality facet that he will have to reconcile on his own. If you feel the desire to be there for your father, you should do so on your own terms, not on the terms he dictates to you. If you have the time to spare a weekend or two to go and see him, I suggest you make the effort. Seeing this once proud man reduced to frailty may help you to sort out your emotions towards him and see him for what he is – a fallible human being who has reaped the miseries he once sowed upon others. Although I doubt a loving relationship will ever be rekindled between the two of you, you will at least know that you have done all you can to help, which may ease your conscience when you give his outrageous requests a firm “no”.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Sibling Needs Help Taking Care Of Aging Parents, Receives Excuses

Dear Tazi:

I am one of ten children; I have six brothers and three sisters, all of us grown. My parents are both older, and are getting frail in their later years. It is quickly becoming obvious that they will be unable to live independently much longer, yet they are too healthy for a nursing home and would not be able to afford assisted living (and they outright refuse to allow me to pay for it). While a visiting nurse is a possibility, such services would not be available around the clock and are really not what Mom and Dad need. They just need someone to help with their meals and to look in on them during the day, and then to help with chores such as laundry and housework.

For the past several years I have been giving up my free time to assist Mom and Dad with the yard work and the bills, while my wife and two daughters help with the house chores and the cooking, freezing meals to be eaten during the course of the week. My daughters are in high school, and the eldest will be graduating high school this spring with her sister graduating next year. Both are planning on going away to school, so they will not be around to help. My wife, who also works full-time, has been offered a promotion that will require more time of her, leaving less time to help care for my parents.

Seeing the writing on the wall, I have asked my nine siblings to come together and think of a way to help Mom and Dad, either by taking them into their homes (the ideal decision) or by giving a helping hand to allow them to stay in their own home. All I got was excuses about why they could not take Mom and Dad in and why they had not the time or money to assist with Mom and Dad’s care. Tazi, I am completely disgusted!

I would take my parents in myself, but a home with two active teenage daughters is not the place for them. My father can be very rigid, and I can foresee issues cropping up around my daughters’ busy schedules and dinner being late because of them. I will not put my children through this, not during their last years at home with their mother and me.

Five of my siblings all have at least one spouse who is home during the day, and two eldest brothers are retired. All have refused to let Mom and Dad live with them, claiming that they just don’t have the room (in spite of the fact that all of their children are grown and have left the nest). One of my sisters actually said that she needed to keep her daughter’s old bedroom open in case a grandchild comes along. Tazi, my niece (her daughter) has frequently expressed her displeasure about children and how she never hopes to have any.

Mom and Dad are both close to 90, and I have no idea how many years they have left but I doubt it is going to be more than 10, probably a lot fewer. My younger daughter has offered to take a year off of school to live with and care for them, but she is a young girl with her life ahead of her – this should not be her responsibility!

While I cannot force any of my siblings to take Mom and Dad in, I can make life very uncomfortable for them. Of the ten of us, I am by far the most financially comfortable due to a very successful law practice and my wife’s income as a middle-manager (soon to be executive) with a large corporation. In the past, we have always offered financial assistance with no strings attached because we are family. When my youngest sister got divorced I not only paid for her attorney but I gave her the money to buy her ex-husband’s share of their house so she and the kids would not have to move. \

My other siblings have also been on the receiving end of my financial largesse, and until now I have never thought twice about it. Now, I am considering telling them that the Bank of Brother is closed until they step up for Mom and Dad. Like me, they all have kids who are in or headed for college and graduate school. I don’t want my nephews and nieces to suffer for their parents’ selfishness. My wife says we should just set up trust funds for the kids, ignore my parents’ objections and pay for the cost of assisted living, and write off everyone else. I rather like the idea of trust funds for the kids, but the rest of her idea is pretty drastic. What do you think?

Signed,

A Lawyer In A Muddle

Dear A Lawyer In A Muddle:

Situations that normally appear black and white turn all shades of gray when our emotions are involved, don’t they? You sound like a man who is generous of heart and of wallet; your parents raised you well, and you are a credit to them. It is obvious you are very close to your parents, so perhaps you are unable to see their flaws as well as your siblings can see them.

You mention that your father is “rigid” and would not stand for meals being served late or for living with two active teenagers. Is it possible that his rigidness is what is keeping his children from taking him into their homes? Could it be that they fear he will try to take over as the Man of the House and turn them into children once more? There is more here than meets the eye, and it would do everyone a world of good to sit down and discuss the real reasons they do not want your parents living with them.

Your wife’s idea of disowning your siblings is extreme, but may also result in them buckling and taking in your parents – but at what cost to your Mom and Dad? You would essentially be blackmailing your siblings into taking them in; are you certain that they would make your parents feel welcome? There is nothing worse than feeling like a guest in what is supposed to be your own home.

You are an attorney, so I am going to make a wild assumption that you are used to negotiating, debating, and convincing opposing sides to come together in compromise. Try to think of your family as a box full of jurors who need convincing that your client deserves justice. Remind them of the fact that family members help each other, and that you are now asking them to come together and help their Mom and Dad. Do not lord over them the fact that you have given them large sums of money in the past; they are already very aware of this. If, in the end, not a single one can be convinced to assist your mother and father you will have to arrange to pay their expenses at an assisted living facility. If they balk, tell them it’s a loan and that their estate can pay you back when they are both gone.

Snuggles,

Tazi

P.S. If you want to set up college trusts for your nephews and nieces, make that a separate issue, lest it sound like a bribe.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

You Are Never Too Old To Give Up On A Life's Ambition

Dear Tazi:

I am 77 years old, but I like to think of myself as a young 77. My husband of 60 years recently passed away after a long illness, and I find my days quite empty without him. My children and grandchildren are all grown, so I have no responsibilities to others to tie me down during the day, which is why I am thinking of doing something I have always dreamed of doing since I was a little girl: taking ballet lessons.

I grew up poor and married young, and the children soon followed – six of them, in all, and five that lived to adulthood. I saw every one of them through college, and helped to raise my grandchildren, as well, all of who are now professionals. I would like to chase my dream now that I have the time, but I am wondering if the time for that has passed. Am I being a foolish old woman or do you think I have the right to follow my dream?

Signed,

Nana Suzie

Dear Nana Suzie:

So long as you are in good enough physical shape to learn the movements of ballet, I cannot think of a single reason why you should not don some slippers and a tutu and pas de chat until your heart is contented! I suggest that you check with your local YMCA or community/senior center to look into beginner classes for adults. You may even be able to find classes designed specifically for senior citizens.

If you cannot find any available classes, ask if the studio would be willing to start offering classes for adult/senior beginners. It has been said that for every one person who asks a question there are ten others who are interested in the answer; that would make for eleven people who would be interested in a senior’s ballet class!

Don’t be afraid to follow your dreams, Nana Suzie! You have more than earned the right to do it!

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Elderly Reader Has Something To Say!

Dear Tazi:

I am 91 years old and have seen a lot on my day! During my lifetime wars have been fought, women have been granted suffrage, a Civil Rights movement was begun, computers were invented, a man landed on the moon, and so much more! I am truly surprised we don’t have flying cars by now!

During my lifetime I married, birthed seven children and buried two of them; along with two husbands, both of whom left me widowed. I am financially comfortable thanks to prudent investments and modest living. My life has been a blessed one, and I will leave this world with no regrets. I bet you are wondering why I am writing to you, eh, Tazi?

My youngest child, “Mary”, and her children have been after me to move out of my home and into a retirement home. They claim that I am getting too old to live on my own! Tazi, I live in a senior condominium association and am perfectly capable of looking after myself and my neighbors! I do not need some nurse checking in on me all of the time! I think their true goal is to get me to quit smoking (which I would not be able to do in a retirement home) and to take over my condo, since the market is too soft to sell right now. Mary’s youngest is starting college in the fall, and her school is only a half an hours drive from my condo. Mary has “generously” offered to stay in my condo for me and take care of the place once I move out, but I think she is only trying to keep tabs on her girl. Mary is only 48 (she was my surprise baby) so she is far too young to move into my condo community!

My other children (ages 63 – 72) are all looking into their own retirements, and have offered to buy my condo from me if I choose to move, but insist it is my decision to stay or to sell. I want to stay, but Mary is making herself a pain in the behind over it! I’d like to enjoy what years I have left without her constant nagging, but it’s been two years now and she just won’t let up on the matter! Maybe if she sees my letter in print she will get the message:


And I ain't gonna quit smoking, and I ain't gonna stop taking a nip of ginger brandy for when my digestion needs it! I am a gonna continue to eat bacon and eggs and biscuits and gravy, and if I die from it I am a gonna die a happy old woman!

Thank you, Tazi, for letting me have my say! I have enclosed a picture of my Miss Mittens. Isn’t she a cutie?




Signed,
Florida Flo

Dear Florida Flo:

Miss Mittens IS a cutie! If I lived down in Florida, I would have to court her. Do you think she would be interested in a long-distance relationship? Oh, look at me! Acting all lovesick and forgetting your problem! We cats can be self-centered, on rare occasions such as this one!

I really like the fact that you put your message in animated type – it really gets the message across! I do hope that your youngest finally gets it, too. You did not ask for advice, so I will not offer any. I will presume that by 91 years old, you pretty much have life well figured out. God bless you, and thank you for your letter! It had spunk! (And I LIKE spunk!).

Snuggles,
Tazi



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.