Sensible Or Scrooge? Sibling Refuses To Assist With Emergency Financial Help

Dear Tazi:

I have always lived my life debt free. I started working at age 16; rode a bus until I had saved enough money to buy my own car and pay for the insurance; attended a community college before transferring to a state university; and financed my education through a payment plan, not student loans. My current goal is to purchase my own home for cash, so I do not have to pay a mortgage. I live at home with my parents, who refuse to accept any money for room or board.

I have a pretty good job, and I manage to bank more than half of my take-home pay every week. By living frugally, I have managed to save over $100,000 in the past ten years. My problem is my sister. "Sue" is my polar opposite when it comes to money. She has very little savings because she took out thousands of dollars in student loans to attend her first choice school, and she now struggles as she follows her dream to make it as an actress. Admittedly she is very talented, but so are a lot of struggling actors and actresses; talent does not guarantee success. Although she has done well enough for herself, she is no where near being a big name star.

Our parents help Sue out whenever she asks for money, which is rare, but I have always been unable to shake the feeling that the big request for cash is the elephant in the room. Last month, the elephant trumpeted. Sue was in a terrible car accident. The driver who hit her car was uninsured so they are unable to pay for the damages, which are severe. Sue was in the hospital for a week, and her health insurance isn't the greatest so she has a 20% co-pay, which is thousands of dollars. Sue is going to be out of work for several months, and does not have any kind of disability insurance. Her car was only insured for the minimum her state requires, so her policy doesn't even pay enough to cover what she owes on her car, which was totaled and had more owing on it than it was worth in the first place. In summary, Sue is now over  $50,000 in debt with no way to pay and is looking at a long stretch of disability. Without some kind of assistance, she is looking at declaring bankruptcy.

My parents have nowhere near that kind of money to pay Sue's debts...but I do, and they have asked me to pitch in and assist her. I refused, reminding my parents of my dream to own my own home free and clear. My parents reminded me that I have taken advantage of their assistance to follow my dream, living with them rent free my whole life. I don't think it is fair for them to hold that fact over me, since they insisted I put the "rent" money towards my goal.

My parents own their own home, and are both retired. They have offered to deed me a portion of the house equal to what I would be willing to give to assist my sister, but this is money I will not see until after they have passed - unless I want to force them to take out a home equity loan to buy me out, and I am not that big of an [anal opening]. Am I being selfish, as everyone claims I am? Or are my sister's financial issues the result of her own poor choices?

Signed,
Secure and Happy...For Now

Dear Secure and Happy...For Now:

Are you certain that you are not that big of an [anal opening]? Did you get tested? It seems to me that you sold your humanity and your soul in exchange for a few extra dollars in your savings account. Throughout your entire letter, all you do is praise your own choices and criticize your sisters. I had to do some heavy editing out of these criticisms just to keep your letter on topic.

While I commend you on your sound financial choices and your ability to save, not everybody chose the path you did. Your sister chose to take risks, to strike out on her own; she may not have yet hit a home run, but she was safely running the bases when fate threw her a cruel curve-ball. Your judgmental attitude is doing nothing to alleviate her pain or your parents concern.

While I am not going to advise you to assist your sister - the choice to help or not to help must be yours alone - I will suggest that you look at the bigger picture. You say that your parents have offered to deed you a portion of the house equal to what you would be willing to give to help your sister. This may not be a bad idea. You claim that you pay cash for everything, so I am guessing that you do not have/use credit, which means you have no credit history and your only asset is your large bank account. This could come back to bite you in the rear when the day comes that you need some kind of credit history. Credit is not only used to grant loans; it is also used to gauge the quality of a person's reputation (fairly or unfairly). Many auto insurance companies use credit in deciding premiums; many employers run a credit check as part of the interview process; and even the telephone company requires a credit history before granting a contract for a mobile phone account.

Another point to consider is the fact that the housing market is starting to bounce back after bottoming out. A percentage share of a house (rather than a flat dollar amount) will continue to grow over the next few years; a $25,000 investment could increase to $40,000 in only a few years; a $50,000 investment now could easily increase to $75,000 or more by the time you are ready to reclaim your investment and purchase a home of your own. What other investment do you know of that will pay a 33% dividend over such a short period of time? These are details that you could work out with your parents before giving a firm yes or no answer to their request. Furthermore, if your goal is to pay cash for a home, depending on where you live you may have to save for several more years, during which time interest rates on investment savings remain low. Again, I am not telling you that you must assist your sister; I am simply telling you to consider all of the angles before shutting the door on your parents request.

Regardless of your desire, a refusal to assist your sister may result in your parents requesting that you start paying rent or even the demand that you find a place of your own now, rather than when you have enough saved to pay cash. After all, you are now in your thirties; have a sizable nest egg; and still live with them rent-free. Just one more angle to consider. I strongly suggest you talk to a financial planner or attorney who specializes in real estate law.

Perfunctory Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

A Tangled Web Is Woven When One Family Member Blackmails Another

Dear Tazi:

I own a lucrative rental property in a popular skiing town. I have owned it for many, many years and it has been in the family since before the town became fashionable (I inherited it from my Mom, who inherited it from her father). I have kept the place in good repair and kept up on the ever increasing taxes, using the rental income to reinvest in the property through home improvements and additions over the years. I hope to someday leave this income property to my only child, and I wish to leave it to her in the condition I have kept it.

My friends all understand that my property is a rental, and not something that I give away for free; my family is another story. I do not ski, so my cousins who do ski think that I should allow them the use of the property free of charge – because “after all, it is a family property”. They have absolutely no connection to the property! My grandfather, the original owner, was their uncle who turned down the opportunity to share ownership – and expenses – of the property when Grandpa first bought it. I have explained to them I several different ways that the property is not a “family property” nor is it free to use.

This week I received a “Save the Date” card from the daughter of one of my skiing cousins, informing me (as well as everyone else these cards were sent to) that she will be getting married on New Year’s Eve. I developed a sense of unease when I saw that she included the location as the ski town where my rental property is, and completely flipped my lid when I saw the accompanying note telling me she would appreciate if I gave her the use of the chalet and property for the entire week between Christmas and New Year’s – free of charge – as a wedding gift, because her plan is to have the wedding in the same town. Tazi, even if the place was not already booked for that week, I would not give it to this woman as a wedding gift! It costs $2,000 to rent for that one week and quite frankly I am not particularly close to this woman’s mother.

I immediately dashed off an email telling my cousin’s daughter that she would have to make other plans for her wedding venue because my property is booked. She wrote back a tirade of how terrible I have been to her family over the years, refusing them the use of my property. She also sent me a copy of my property listing on a review site, trashing me as a landlord and my property as an “overpriced dump”, adding that the 5-star reviews the place received were either old or fakes. I am positively livid, as the start of ski season is upon us and I still have available bookings to fill.

I would rather prevent any financial loss from occurring than sue for damages, but my cousin’s daughter outright refuses to remove the false and slanderous review unless I give in to her wishes. I will not be blackmailed, Tazi, but what else can I do? Is there any way to prove to the world her review is a fake?

Signed,
Worried Out West

Dear Worried Out West:

Your cousins sound like a treasure; I would love to bury them in my litter-box.


My junk is valuable!
To answer your question, yes; there is a way to prove to the world that her review is a fake. You should contact the Customer Service Department of the review website and explain that the review is a fake and an attempt to blackmail you into offering someone a free week at your chalet. Once you have a contact name, send them the emails as supporting documentation. The review will be removed, although the damage it has already done cannot be undone.

Your next step should be to contact your local authorities and report this attempt to defraud you and your property. Blackmail is a crime, and your cousin’s daughter has provided more than enough evidence in her emails to you to make the charges stick, should you decide to file any. You may want to try and reach a civil agreement first, wherein your cousin’s daughter will be responsible for any financial damages you incur from her preposterous stunt. I realize this woman is young, and she sounds like a spoiled brat, so the threat of a criminal record could be all the lesson she needs to improve her attitude.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Realtor Has A Few Words For Homeowners In Foreclosure

Dear Tazi:

About a year ago I got my Realtor’s license and have been working mostly with banks to sell foreclosed homes. I realize that these houses were once somebody’s dream, and that they feel that the banks and finance companies took advantage of them to get them to sign on the dotted line, and that they are angry that the banks got a government bailout and not the American people; however, none of this is my fault.

I am a divorced Mom of two trying to make ends meet now that the alimony has ended. I chose this career because it allows me to work around my teenage sons busy schedules. When I walk into a foreclosed home, I never know what to expect but I have come to realize that the former homeowners think that somehow they are hurting the bank when they destroy the insides of the house. I have seen pipes torn out of walls, carpets torn up from floors, major appliances removed from the kitchen, and bodily fluids sprayed and smeared all over the house. I would like to address the foreclosed homeowners who would (and have) done such things.

Dear Former Homeowner:

I know you are angry that the bank has foreclosed on your home; but why destroy what was once your dream on your way out the door? If you think you are punishing the bank by leaving the house in deplorable, unsalable condition, think again. Many people will buy a house as-is for immense savings – up to 70% off of the assessed value of the house! If you think the bank is taking a loss by selling at this price, think again once more; the bank - or the private mortgage insurance company - will write off the loss on its taxes and the American taxpayer will be stuck footing the bill.

Was it really necessary to smear feces all over the walls? Did you think the bank President was going to come tour the house and see your handiwork? S/he did not. A building inspector was sent to assess the house, as well as any losses (such as that kitchen stove you took on your way out), and write up a report of what needs to be done. They, too, are just trying to make a living; and just so you know, dried feces do not smell, and after a while the shock value wears off. Dried menstrual fluid, on the other hand, is a biohazard – especially if you are carrying a blood-borne illness like Hepatitis C. You may think you are getting revenge on those who did you wrong, but you are not putting the loan officer who sold you your mortgage in any danger; it is the people who must come and do the clean-up that are at risk, the working stiffs just trying to get by in a janitorial job that nobody else would take.

I realize that it is too late for you to undo what you have done – and I must add, to the man who took laxatives and sprayed every wall in the house, well-played! I found the empty milk of magnesia bottles strewn around the house a nice touch; but as I was saying, it is too late for you to undo what you have done, so I hope to instill in you a sense of remorse and maybe a suggestion of how not to behave for those who may be in a foreclosure situation in the future. If you want to protest the banks join Operation Wall Street, don’t destroy bank-owned property because the chances of the bank ever being exposed to it are close to none.

Thank you, Tazi, for letting me blow off a little steam and to have my say on a broader platform than the office break room.

Signed,
A Realtor

Dear A Realtor:

Thank you for your candid and enlightening letter. Here in my hometown a woman was once arrested and charged with vandalism after a former neighbor witnessed her smearing dog feces on the windows of an apartment from which she had been evicted. I am not certain what the laws are in your hometown, but if they are similar homeowners might want to be made aware that such intolerable behavior could land them in jail.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Shopaholic Or Not, Wasteful Spending Cuts Into Savings

Dear Tazi:

I have a problem.  When I get bored, I shop.  I am not a shopaholic - I don't feel the need to shop or get any kind of high off of it or feel let-down after I am finished shopping; I just have nothing better to do with my time so I go online and browse for things - gifts for upcoming birthdays, new clothes, bed and bath goodies, and stuff on clearance sale that looks like something I may eventually use.

I am not in debt over my head from my shopping habits, but I would like to pump up my savings account a bit, which I could do if I did not shop so much.  I was reading about one young entrepreneurial woman in Marie Claire magazine who started her business on a whim while unemployed.  She was able to do this because she took $20,000 from her savings for start-up costs.  What twentysomething has $20K in their savings account?  I suppose I could have half that much if I didn't spend so much.

My boyfriend doesn't have a problem with my spending; he tells me that if it makes me happy why stop?  The problem is, I am not sure that it makes me happy; not when I see the alternative things I can be doing with my money, like saving it to start my own business someday, although I am not certain what I would sell. My boyfriend tells me I am over thinking this, but I am not so sure.  What do you think, Tazi?  And do you have any tips to help me curb my spending habits?

Signed,
Bored Far Too Often

Dear Bored Far Too Often:

Can you control your spending when you shop?  It sounds to me as if you are a controlled shopaholic - someone who can control their shopping and spending so long as they are not tempted, but go crazy once the opportunity to shop presents itself.  How long can you continue shopping for needless things before your habit puts you into debt over your head?  Just because you can handle your debt now does not mean that you will always be able to make the payments on your credit cards.  One bout with a serious illness or stretch of unemployment can put you under financially, so a solid savings account is a good thing to have!

Since a solid savings account appears to be your goal, I can offer you some tips on how to get there; and since you humans love the organization of a list, I will present them to you in list form.  Consider it a post-Halloween treat!

1.  Know the difference between wasteful spending and investment spending.  Purchasing a pair of high-end, quality career shoes on end-of-season clearance is an investment; purchasing a pair of high-end, quality party shoes on clearance is not.  Before purchasing something, ask yourself: How often will I use this?  If I put it into storage for the season, will I remember that I have it?

2.  Invest in a book by financial guru Suze Orman - and read it!  The information she has to share is invaluable!  If you are not comfortable buying a book, see if your local library has it and give it a test drive.  I strongly recommend The Money Book for the Young, Fabulous and Broke (Riverhead Trade, 2007).

3. Put your credit cards into a lock-box or safe.  This will help you to resist the urge to use them by making them more difficult to access.  Carry one credit card - for emergencies - in your wallet.  Better yet, join AAA; your membership card can double as a pre-paid American Express card.

4. Unless you are absolutely certain that you will be giving someone a gift several months down the road, do not purchase something that will be "perfect" for them.  Furthermore, ask yourself: might an even better gift come along between now and then?

5. When you get the urge to spend wastefully, look at the price and put that same amount towards your credit card debt.  By doing this you are saving money and paying off your past purchases.  A bargain is not a bargain if you are paying monthly interest on it.

6. Create a budget based upon your pay cycle and stick to it.  If you are paid weekly, your budget should reflect that; bi-weekly, your budget should take you through two weeks.  By doing this you should not be caught short and should not have to dip into your savings to pay your regular bills.

7. Create an Excel spreadsheet and record every penny you spend for one full month.  Categorize each item - food, entertainment, credit cards, rent, etc. - and see how much you are spending in each area.  This will allow you  to profile your spending and cut back on things you do not need.  For example, do you really need a Starbucks coffee every morning?  At $2.50/cup adds up to $17.50 for one week!  You could buy and brew your coffee at home for a fraction of that price!

8. Pay yourself first.  My Mommie's Grandpa always used to tell her that she would never have a savings account if she did not pay herself first.  She wishes she took his advice to put 10% of every paycheck into savings and forget about it!  She does that now, and I suggest that you start!

9.  Buy store-brand food; it costs less and is usually manufactured by the brand name company.  Put the money you save into your savings account.

10. Sign up for and use store loyalty cards, cut (and use) coupons.  There are many online sites that offer coupons for free, so you don't even have to buy a newspaper to get them!

These small steps can add up to big savings, which you can put towards your dream of starting your own business, owning your own home, or taking a dream vacation.  Please write back in six months and let me know how you are doing!

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S.  Shame on your boyfriend for not being more supportive!  Could it be that his habits reflect yours, and any change would create the need for him to examine his own financial habits?


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Overwhelmed By Overdrafts, Young Husband Seeks Help

Dear Tazi:

I never thought I would be writing to an advice columnist, so I figure if I am I might as well write to a cat, right? I am a nineteen year old man, married six months, and my wife is driving me up a tree with her horrible banking habits.

"Liesel" has a bad habit of charging stuff to the debit card attached to our joint checking account and then not balancing the checkbook. After having to pay several hundred dollars in overdraft fees one month, I decided I should be the one to balance the checkbook. Now Liesel forgets to give me the receipts for the stuff she charges so the checkbook balance is just as messed up as ever. I have thought of applying for a low-limit credit card for her to use, but I hate the idea of having to pay interest on stupid stuff like a cup of coffee or a package of gum. This is the sort of stuff Liesel charges. I have tried giving her cash to pay with, but that just makes her spend even more.

I went to the bank to close our joint account, because I am afraid all of these overdrafts are ruining my credit, but I could not close the account without Liesel's agreeing; and I couldn't take my name off of the account without closing it. Liesel refuses to agree to this kind of solution because she believes that married couples should have joint bank accounts. I love my wife, but her spending habits have got to change! We are hoping to buy a house in a few years, and the money we are spending on overdrafts is sinking that dream. Do you have any suggestions about what I can do to get my wife to see reason?

Signed,
Underwater

Dear Underwater:

I am sure that the first thing you would like to do is take away Liesel's debit card! However, I do not advocate the subordination of one partner by another and this case is no exception. You are her husband, not her Daddy. Because debit card transactions do not always go through right away, a person can continue to charge on the account and rack up huge overdraft fees, which is what appears to be happening. Since Liesel is forgetting to give you her receipts, you may have to go online and view your account through your bank's online banking features. A list of charges will be made available, and you can confirm with Liesel whether or not she made these charges. You will also be able to see your balance and warn Liesel when it is getting low or even transfer funds from savings to prevent an overdraft. It is a lot of work on your part, but this plan should stop the overdraft fees. Don't worry - your wife is not getting out of trouble here!

It sounds to me that Liesel needs credit counseling and some lessons on financial responsibility. I am assuming she is close to your age, which means she has little to no experience with credit and its importance. Is she even the least bit upset about all of the money being wasted on overdraft fees? Because the two of you wish to save for a house, both a healthy savings account and a healthy credit report will be required. I suggest that you both put the debit cards away; agree to a spending budget for the both of you; and stick to it - meaning once the cash in your pocket is gone, that's it until the next paycheck.

Once you are both comfortable sticking with a weekly spending budget, you can try carrying the debit cards with you for emergencies only. If you find Liesel is falling back into her old habits and the overdraft fees start rolling in again, professional counseling may be required as the problem may run deeper than being scatterbrained when it comes to remembering to balance a checkbook.

I wish you both the best of luck, in your marriage and in your goal of buying your own home.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. With regard to married couples and checking accounts, I have to tell you I have heard of many couples keeping a joint bill paying account but separate personal accounts. Perhaps this is a compromise that would appeal to Liesel?



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Mother Seeks Favor With Un-favored Daughter After Favorite Sons Say No

Dear Tazi:

I was born out-of-wedlock, and my mother never misses a chance to remind me that she could have had an abortion or put me up for adoption, but no; she carried me to term and kept me in spite of the social scandal it was at the time. Growing up, I was made to feel like I was not good enough; and when Mom got married and had five children (all boys) with her husband, I became a persona non grata.

When I turned eighteen I escaped my parents’ house and moved away with a friend. I met my husband, “Donald”, while working at a coffee shop. He was in his final year of business school at the time and really could not afford to buy a coffee every day; but he really wanted to see me, too! (This explained why he always bought a small coffee, and paid for it with loose change). When I told my parents how we met, they said it would never last and that a man who could not even afford a coffee was not the kind of man I should marry.

It has been ten years since our wedding (which my parents refused to attend) and Donald and I are still happily married. He owns his own investment firm, and he are financially stable in spite of the difficult economy. Overall, we are successful as a couple and individuals and I am happy with my life. Now, my mother is trying to ruin it.

Mother’s husband recently left her for a younger woman, and she is devastated. She is unable to support herself and has not worked in years – my step-father is well-off – and has no marketable skills or the desire to learn any; instead, she is demanding to move in with Donald and me.

Once again my mother is reminding me that she could have had an abortion or turned me out, but she raised me anyway, and now that she needs a home and someone to care for her I am coldly turning my back on her. Before I could say anything, Donald stepped up and told her off! He told her she was a horrible mother to me and that he would never, ever allow her to live with us; that anyone who would dare speak so abusively to his wife was not welcome in our home. Tazi, have I told you yet how much I love my husband?

My problem now is that my mother has told everyone she knows that my husband is an ogre who refuses to allow her to set foot in my house; that he is keeping us separated against my will. My five half-brothers have all called and left nasty messages for us saying how awful we are that we won’t take Mother in during her time of need. Tazi, all five of them own their own homes and have plenty of room for her! They simply refuse to offer her living space because, as the youngest told me, “you’re the daughter; you get her, that’s how it goes”.

Tazi, I do not mind what my brothers say about me and Donald – I know that it is simply their way of trying to get me to buckle so they won’t get stuck with Mother – but I am upset that Mother’s friends think my husband is some kind of evil, controlling beast. Should I try to make contact with them to correct the impression my mother has given? Or do you think that would further complicate things?

Signed,
Cinderella

Dear Cinderella:

I am so glad you found your Prince, because your mother sounds like a very abusive woman. You sound like you have adjusted quite well in life, in spite of your difficult upbringing, and I am very impressed with the way your husband stands by your side to protect you. Normally, I would question whether or not you were okay with him speaking up to your mother on your behalf; but it sounds like you had no problem with him handling this particular fastball. So long as he allows you to speak your mind independently, and only acts the role of Knight in Shining Armor when he knows this is your preference, I have no issue with his actions. Is your mother aware that this is the dynamic between you and Donald? If not, I can see why she would think him “an ogre”.

Moving forward, I would give your mother’s friends more credit than you currently are; remember that your half-brothers have also refused to take dear old Mother into their homes, and this is not something that will go unnoticed in the gossip circles. Calling your mother’s friends to give your side of the story will only add fuel to this raging fire.

Your mother is obviously in a bind, one that I am certain she will manage to get out of on her own. As cruel as her statements to you have been, they do hold a lot of truth; only a strong woman would have been able to go against the tide of the times and have a child out-of-wedlock. Do not allow your mother’s guilt-tripping to derail your life.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Man Seeks Financial Gain By Living With Girlfriend

Dear Tazi:

I am a divorced Dad with custody of both my children; a boy aged six and a girl aged 8. Because they are different sexes each needs their own bedroom, and so do I, so I have to rent a three-bedroom apartment. The cost of a three-bedroom apartment is a lot more than a one or two bedroom place, and I am struggling to make ends meet and to provide my kids with everything they need and want, so I asked my girlfriend to move in with me. I figure that our relationship is ready for this next step, but she told me no.

When I asked her why she would not move in with me, “Stella” said it was because her half of the cost of a three-bedroom apartment, plus the utility bills for three additional people, would be more than twice what she is currently paying on her one-bedroom apartment. When I suggested that she continue to pay only what she is currently paying and I would pay the balance of our rent and utilities, Stella again turned me down stating that I would be the only one benefiting financially from such an arrangement.

Tazi, I do not believe that financial benefits should be the reason two people move in together. I think if the relationship is going to advance a couple needs to see how they would work as a family, and living together is a large part of that. When I explained this to Stella, she offered to pay $400 a month towards our expenses – exactly half of what she is currently paying for her own apartment and expenses. Tazi, my monthly expenses for me and my two kids tops $3000! Rent alone is $1600, which is why I think Stella should pay what she is currently paying - $800 – and I will handle the balance. I tried to explain this to Stella when she threw my kids’ entertainment practices in my face. Yes, the electric bill is very high because they love to play video games and go on the Internet – a lot – but they are kids; I say let them be kids! Stella also pointed out that my cable bill is more than twice of hers, but that is because I have several premium channels, that she would also be able to watch if she wanted, and a multi-room DVR that she could use, too.

Stella is not budging on this matter, and I am very hurt by it. If she moved in with me it would admittedly be a huge financial burden off of me and I would have her assistance with the kids, too (and with the cooking, cleaning, etc), but that is not why I want her to move in with me. Can you offer me any coaching in how to re-approach Stella – and get her to say yes?

Signed,
Tony

Dear Tony:

I assume that since you have custody of both of your children that you also claim them on your income tax return each year – and receive a sizable tax credit/refund for them. Did you offer to split this credit/refund with Stella? Or would you be keeping it all for yourself, even though Stella would be providing financial support for them by defraying your cost of raising them?

You say that you do not want Stella to move in for the financial benefits to you, but your attitude belies your words. Although you offer to allow Stella to keep her expenses the same, her responsibilities would be increasing (by your own admission) and she would be losing the privacy offered to her by having her own home. I understand that your expenses are much greater than hers, but they are your expenses.

With the exception of rent, the bills you mention could easily be pared down to a more appropriate size. Exactly how much electricity do your children use to entertain themselves? Young children should not be on the Internet unsupervised, and one hour per day of video gaming is sufficient on school nights; television should be watched only when all homework and chores are done. Should you choose to continue to subscribe to “several premium channels and a multi-room DVR” that is your choice – not Stella’s; if she wanted these channels she could easily subscribe.

I cannot coach you on what to say to Stella because I do not know what Stella wants. Maybe she would prefer to keep her own apartment; maybe she was hoping for an engagement ring instead of an offer to cohabitate; or maybe she feels as I do – that you are trying to take advantage for her for your own financial benefit. I suggest you come up with a fairer dynamic, one that does not have her taking on more financial and domestic responsibilities, and try presenting it to her. If this idea does not suit you, you will need to reexamine your intentions towards her – and hire a live-in Nanny/Maid.

Perfunctory Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Adult Son Wants To Return To The Nest; Mother Is On The Fence

Dear Tazi:

I don't know what I am going to do with my adult son. "Harper" is 40-years-old and has never been able to hold a steady job. In fact, he was fired from his very first job at age 16, and has been unable to hold down steady employment ever since. From what I can tell, it is not that he is without skills; just without commitment to holding to a regular schedule. Harper enjoys his free time, and believes that a job should not encroach on his personal time. He has quit several jobs due to "differences with the management", as he puts it; "a refusal to follow direction", is how the management puts it. I know because a few of the jobs he has quit involved working for friends of my late husband.

My husband passed when our son was only ten years old, and he left Harper a large trust fund that was to be used for his college education or to be accessed on his 30th birthday, should Harper follow a career path that did not require college, figuring twelve years after high school graduation would be enough time for Harper to establish himself financially and the trust monies handled appropriately. My husband was a wise man and a hard worker but, sadly, our son did not inherit his father's work ethic or business sense. Harper has squandered all but the last few thousand dollars of his trust, and has asked to move into my guest cottage while he sorts out his issues. I agreed to Harper's request, but this was before I discovered some new information that has me wanting to turn back on our agreement.

In advance of moving in to my guest cottage, Harper has started having his mail delivered there. The mailman, not realizing that Harper was to stay in the cottage delivered Harper's correspondence to the main house; which is how I discovered that Harper has applied for Social Security [Disability] benefits. When I approached Harper about this disgrace, he did not deny it; claiming he suffers from depression, which is why he is unable to hold down a job. He informed me that his original filing had been rejected, as was his appeal, because his doctor was not properly certified. Harper did not have an attorney representing him because those he approached demanded he see a certified physician. All in all, this why Harper needs to move into my guest cottage until he can figure out how to secure a primary source of income, now that his trust monies have been depleted.

Tazi, my husband worked very hard to accumulate his wealth and was not at all adverse to sharing it with those in true need of assistance. If he were here today to see what a disgrace his son has become he would disown him! The only thing depressing Harper is his inability to continue sponging off of his late father. My sister suffered from depression, so I am aware of the signs and symptoms and have a genuine concern for those who exhibit them - which Harper does not. The only time he is at all depressed is when the latest party or road trip ends. I believe that the judge saw right through Harper's charade, which is why he was turned down for Social Security. (Did I mention that Harper also smokes marijuana, saying it is a treatment for his depression? Hogwash!).

I would like to tell Harper that I have changed my mind about allowing him to move into my guest cottage, but I am afraid that he will have nowhere else to turn and will end up sleeping on a couch in someone's basement. If, however, I allow him to move into my guest cottage I fear he will be living there until I join his father. Do you have any advice to offer, Tazi?

Signed,
Harped On

Dear Harped On:

I would first like to address your opinion that Harper's use of marijuana for the treatment of depression. According to a recent John's Hopkins University report hallucinogenic drugs have been shown to help people with mood disorders look at their problems from a different perspective. Marijuana is technically a hallucinogen, but the instance of hallucinogenic experiences while using the drug is very rare. The John Hopkins study did not include marijuana, focusing instead on hard drugs such as "MDMA (also known as the street drug "Ecstasy"), psilocybin ("magic mushrooms"), and ketamine ("Special K")"

In my Mommie's paraprofessional scientific opinion (she has a degree in Science, as well as Communications, but does not hold graduate credentials), any relief Harper gets from smoking marijuana is outweighed by the negative effects of the drug, which include a causal link to mood disorders; such as depression and amotivational syndrome - which may be what your son actually suffers, considering his work history. A psychological examination would be required for an actual and accurate diagnosis, which is why I recommend that you require Harper to get one as a condition to moving into your guest cottage. Should he refuse or claim that he has already received treatment, stand firm and tell him it's your guest cottage; so you make the rules for living there.

If a psychological workup by a properly certified psychiatrist shows that Harper is suffering from depression or any other type of mood disorder that leaves him unable to work the first step is to get him to quit smoking marijuana. If follow-up treatment shows no improvement for his mood disorder he is entitled to re-file for disability benefits. There is no shame in collecting SSDI benefits if they are truly needed. Included in these benefits is medical treatment for the root cause of the disability, in the hope that intensive treatment will cure the disability. SSDI benefits are not guaranteed for life and, in the case of those receiving benefits for mood disorders, a yearly review of benefits can be expected.

I understand your desire to be supportive of your son without being supportive of his bad habits; but at this time I believe you are in the perfect position to see that he gets the medical treatment he needs. In order to protect your own interests, though, I would recommend having your son sign a detailed lease outlining the terms and conditions of his taking up residence in your guest cottage. Your attorney can assist you with this matter, if necessary.

Snuggles,
Tazi



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

To Sell Or Not To Sell? That Is One Man's Question!

Dear Tazi:

I live in an area where the housing market is especially depressed. The good thing about this is that I do not have a mortgage; I own my own home. The bad thing is that my wife wants to sell and move to Florida. “Mildred” feels that since we do not owe a mortgage on the house, anything we get will be profit so we do not have to wait until the market improves to sell.

Tazi, Mildred is my second wife. We married after the house was paid for, partially with the monies of my late wife’s life insurance. I resent the idea that her death has allowed for a “profit” on the house and would tell Mildred directly if it were not for the fact that she is so sensitive about my first wife (that is another issue altogether).

I have informed Mildred that I do not wish to sell the house until the economy improves and offers a better return on investment. I have agreed to move to Florida (against my personal desires) and rent our current home but Mildred does not think this is a good idea. She would rather have a lump sum of cash than a monthly dividend. I am afraid if we sell this house for a lump sum the money will be gone all at once, too. Mildred loves to spend, a habit I was unaware of until after we were married.

Tazi, I love my wife and want to make her happy, but I cannot do that if it is going to mean great financial loss. I know what I would like to do…but am uncertain if it is the right choice, morally. What would you advise?

Signed,
Frugal Fred

Dear Frugal Fred:

When in doubt, take a moment to scratch behind the ears of a feline. The soft fur and the rhythmic purr will relax you; melt away your stress; and make for one very happy kitty! Oh, it will also clear your head so you can think straight. If you do not have a feline, I suggest you make a trip to your local animal shelter and adopt one. If this is not possible, ask a friend if you can borrow their cat. Let the meditative ear scratches commence!

Now that you are relaxed and your mind is clear, what is your inner voice telling you? Is it telling you to feed me some kitty treats? Oh, sorry…I pull this exercise on Mommie all the time. Is your inner voice telling you to follow your heart? Morally, you should at least consider your wife’s wishes, just as she should consider yours. Knowing how much she likes to spend money, would it be morally responsible of you to sell your house (for a lesser price) and watch her spend it all within a few years? Or would it be more prudent to rent your house and use the monthly proceeds to buy/rent a place in Florida?

One of the wonderful things about coupledom is that one partner tends to balance the other. If I were in your shoes, I would again offer the compromise that has already been made: rent your current house, rather than sell, and rent another place in Florida for yourself. You may discover that Florida is not what you want for year-round living (it gets hot and humid in the summer, not to mention the bugs, snakes, and other reptiles).

If I were you, I would explain to Mildred that the compromise on the table is the only move you are willing to make at this time. In the end, you can always change your mind about renting out your house; but should you regret selling there is no buying it back.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Husband Prefers Cash - And A Second Job To Get It

Dear Tazi:

I am devastated; certain that my husband of five years is ready to leave me, and don’t know what to do or where to turn. When I was a teenager, I would cry out my problems to Butterball, my cat, but Butterball died years ago. A friend showed me your column; so here I am, writing to you.

This past fall “Zach” told me that he wanted to join an after-work fantasy football league with some friends, at a local pub-style restaurant. They would meet one night a week after work – a guy’s night out kind of thing, and then at someone’s house to watch the games on the weekends. I thought this was a great idea, since Zach works very hard and deserves some down time with his friends.

Zach is horrible when it comes to balancing the checkbook or paying the bills on time, so he gladly handed this responsibility over to me when we got married. Since both of our checks are direct deposited, neither of us actually cashes our paycheck. In order to avoid multiple ATM receipts that could easily get lost or go unrecorded, we each get a small amount of cash at the start of each pay period, and load our Dunkin’ Donuts pre-paid cards online at the same time; we also use pre-loaded gas cards to fill up our vehicles and pre-paid Wal-Mart cards for our store purchases. In this way, we have managed to save money by not carrying cash and avoid expensive overdrafts on our checking account. I have started to budget additional $50 cash for Zach each week, so he has enough spending money to cover his night out – dinner, a few beers, and a round of drinks for him and his buddies.

Now that football season has ended I expected Zach’s nights and weekends out would slow down until next year, but they have not. Zach continues to be out of the house one night a week and on weekends. I asked him how long the league would be continuing – figuring he would surely be done by the Super Bowl – and he told me that the league will continue year round; that a baseball fantasy league is starting. This sounded plausible, so I dropped the subject.

Last night, I went out to pick up a few items at the convenience store, and almost died of shock when I saw that Zach was the cashier! I marched up to the counter to pay for my things and Zach pre-empted my anger by telling me that he was on the clock and we could discuss things when he got home. As it turns out, Zach has not been going out with his friends a few times a week – he has been working part-time at the convenience store!

When I asked Zach why he would deceive me – first lying about his whereabouts and then taking the extra cash each week – he told me that “a man doesn’t feel like a man without money in his pocket”. Between what he makes at the store and the extra money from our budget, he is carrying around an extra $150 a week! How much money does he need to feel like a man? When I mentioned to Zach that we have budgeted enough money for him to carry around, he gave me a withering look and said, “I’m not a child; I shouldn’t have to ask for my allowance”.

Tazi, what does all this mean? I have never made Zach feel like a child! I only take care of the finances because he won’t, and I receive my share of personal money on the same schedule as him. I asked Zach if he is seeing another woman and spending the money on her, which he denied. I asked him if he was saving up to leave me, but he said no to that, too. I want to believe him, but I can’t. Why else would my husband do this to us, Tazi?

Signed,

Not Broke, Just Brokenhearted

Dear Not Broke, Just Brokenhearted:

Jerry Seinfeld once did a monologue about the difference between how men and women act at the store when paying for something by check. Seinfeld compared a woman with a checkbook to a cowboy and his gun – she will whip that thing out and put it to work without missing a beat. A man, on the other hand, will sheepishly pull out a check and tell the cashier that he doesn't have any real money on him, but if you take this piece of paper to the bank, those people will give the cashier money on his behalf. When you put it that way, it makes paying by check sound pretty lame. Seinfeld recorded that bit back in the early ‘90’s, before pre-paid cards were in existence  but it could be that Zach feels the same way about using a plastic card to pay for his $1.50 tab at the coffee shop.

The fact that Zach felt strongly enough about having cash in his pocket to take on a second job speaks strongly to the lack of communication in your marriage. Has Zach been spending the extra $150 a week that he has in his pocket, or is he saving it? If he is spending it, on what is it being spent? Does Zach have a gambling problem, drinking issue, or other expensive issue that he is keeping from you? If Zach is saving the money, for what reason? Is he planning a large, expensive purchase that would otherwise not fit into your budget?

Your husband’s response to you – that a man needs money in his pocket to feel like a man – tells me that he needs to be more involved in your bill paying and budgeting process. Just because you handle this responsibility does not mean that he should be excluded from it completely; doing so has made Zach feel like a child asking his Mommy for his weekly allowance. This is not healthy from any perspective.

My larger concern for your marriage is that your husband felt that he had to go behind your back in order to have money in his pocket. You may not realize it, but you could be exerting too much control over your joint finances. (Pre-paid cards for almost everything?). While your system may work for you, it is clearly not working for your husband. I suggest that – together – the two of you figure out how much money Zach needs each week for his expenses, and give him that money in cash, not on a pre-loaded plastic card. Stop giving him the extra $50 for going out, since he obviously is not, and if he wants to keep his second job for extra spending cash let that be his business. However, if he runs short of cash because he is spending more now that he is carrying more do not allow him to break your budget by giving him more money.

Many couples keep joint accounts for bill paying and savings, which is where they keep the bulk of their money, and separate, smaller individual accounts for their personal spending money and savings towards extravagant personal items. Perhaps the time has come for you and Zach to consider this idea for yourselves. This idea would require Zach to keep track of his own banking records, but then that might be just what he needs to feel more like a man.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Student Seeks To Be An Anthropological Tourist Before "Getting Serious" About Life

Dear Tazi:

I am finishing high school this year, and it is my lifelong dream to travel the world for a few years before getting serious and deciding on a career path. I have been saving money from my after school job – my parents think it will be used towards college – and I could work as a migrant fruit picker for extra cash, as/if needed. Being American, I grew up privileged and I want to learn how “the other half” lives. My parents are completely against my dream and have told me that if I follow it that I can forget about any financial assistance from them when I decide the time is right for me to go to college.

I would love to tell my parents to keep their money, but I am not certain I will be able to finance my own college education and I do not want to compromise my future by stringing myself out on student loans. Tazi, can you think of a way that would allow me to follow my dream and please my parents at the same time?

Signed,
The Seeker

Dear The Seeker:

It appears that you want the best of both worlds – or at least the best of your world while exploring the worst of other worlds. Do you realize how dehumanizing migrant work is? Those who work such jobs are paid a pittance so Americans can eat affordable fresh produce, and they do it so they can put food in the mouths of their families, not so they can follow their dream of seeing how “the other half” lives. The “other half” is not a living documentary for your curious mind to explore; they are people and I refuse to approve of your dream to exploit them.

Don't be this person!

If you are truly interested in other cultures, societies, and people of different socioeconomic backgrounds I suggest you go to college, as your parents would prefer, and study Anthropology and Sociology. This major will not only allow you to explore the world (travel is a requirement of this major); it will also teach you how to professionally study cultures that are different from your own so you do not act the part of the Ignorant American, insulting people with your extreme candor and embarrassing your country on a world stage.

I am a cat; extreme candor is expected of me. You are a human; gentrified manners are expected of you. I suggest that you look into colleges with a strong Cultural Anthropology program (Brown University is one) and learn more about the job opportunities in this field.

Perfunctory Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Livin' On A Prayer (Instead Of A Budget) Irritates Friend

Dear Tazi:

I have a friend who is an absolute diva!  Anything she wants, she gets and worries about the bill later.  This would not concern me so much if it were not for the fact that she keeps trying to drag me down with her.  If she wants a pedicure, she insists I come along; when I tell her I can’t afford one, she replies, “Sure you can!  You just think you can’t!”  No, Tazi, I really can’t….plus I live in the North and open-toe shoe season is over.  Nobody is going to see my feet anyway!  This is just one example of “Tonya’s” irresponsibility.  There are many more.

Tonya has always kept her spending a secret from her husband, arguing that she can do what she wants with her “allowance”.  Tonya pays the bills – her husband does not want the responsibility – so her husband cannot see the hundreds of dollars she spends every month on stuff she does not need.

Tonya’s husband just lost his job, and they have had to cut back on a lot of things, including cable TV; cigarettes and alcohol; date nights; coffee shop coffee; and laundry service – but Tonya still spends money on stupid stuff!  This week she wanted me to go with her to get our Tarot cards read.  She said the psychic is very reputable, which is why she costs so much, but Tonya wanted to know how much longer she was going to have to “pinch pennies”.  Tazi, she isn't!  Although I accompany her on most of her outings, I do not indulge myself.  I am now starting to feel resentful towards Tonya for the way she spends money she does not have while her husband joneses for a cigarette.  I completely understand how he feels, and want to say something to him.  Should I?

Signed,

The REAL Penny-Pincher

Dear The REAL Penny-Pincher:

I can see how your friend’s attitude would disgust you; I am mildly disgusted by her myself and I have not had to sit next to her as Miss Cleo tells her the future. While I believe in the gift of reputable psychics I also believe that there is an appropriate time to visit one - and when you are down and out is not that time. The same can be said for pedicures and other indulgences.

I would advise against telling Tonya’s husband just where all their money is going; if he has any interest in knowing he can step up to the responsibility of assisting with the household budget.  I am aware that in most marriages one person handles the finances, but the other spouse is generally aware of where the money is being spent.  Willful ignorance offers its own rewards, as well as its own punishments.

You are wise not to spend money that you do not have to spend, even in the face of temptation.  Unfortunately, watching Tonya’s high rolling behavior sounds like it is dragging on your spirits.  May I suggest a compromise?  The next time Tonya suggests something that costs money – pedicures, Tarot readings, lunch at a fancy restaurant – counter-offer with an idea that is low-cost or free.  Colleges and universities frequently host lectures that are free and open to the public; in many areas, museums offer free admission on the first Saturday of the month; and your public library is a great place to look at local artwork, find a good book, or just chill with a friend!  If none of this appeals to you, why not try people watching at Walmart?  The view is always an interesting one!                                                                                        

Willy the Pimp. So this is who Frank Zappa was singing about...
Photo courtesy of PeopleofWalmart.com

If you cannot convince Tonya to leave Macy's and return to Walmart (figuratively speaking, although quite literally as well) you will have to tell her that you will no longer be a party to her wasteful spending. Then, find your own way to keep busy with other friends. There are other fish in the sea!

Snuggles,

Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Using Sex As A Weapon Leads To Power Struggle In Marriage

Tazi,

I just read your response to "Wife Wants A New Car Payment; Husband Wants To Live Debt-Free". I thought it was from my wife until I read about the student loans. My wife wants a new $40,000 Honda Pilot. She drives a 2008 Toyota Sienna that we paid ~$30,000 for new in 2008. My point is at there is nothing wrong with her van. We are both working professionals, and I while I make a few thousand more per year I will not make a major purchase without her agreement. I drive a 2006 truck, and while I'd love a new vehicle (who wouldn't), I would rather have money to enjoy and travel with. She agrees with me that we should both vote "yes" before making a $40,000 purchase, but she will not let it go!

While I prefer to live debt free, I offered a compromise that she has refused. My offer was that since we both would like to spend money differently we would sit down and from a written budget that includes our combined income. After paying all the bills, we would agree on how much to save and divide the rest equally. We would each be allowed to manage our share of the excess income how we wish. She can use hers on a car payment, hobbies, shopping, etc. and I would be able to spend my share on saying, hunting land, and my hobbies.

I really thought it was a fair compromise, but she insists her car that is 2 years newer than mine "needs" to be replaced. She has been stuck on this car fantasy for months and refuses sex, only constantly shows me cars she is interested in.

Signed,

Lost in Montana

Dear Lost In Montana:

I believe your compromise is an excellent one, and it is one that I have recommended in the past. Once bills are paid, and money is set aside for savings and emergencies, I believe that couples should be able to have their own "independent" money to spend as they wish - within reason. If you want to buy a new hunting rifle, that is within reason; if you want to buy a $10,000 hunting lodge, I would tell you to talk it over with your wife first.

I am not certain that your wife fully understands the long-term commitment of a car loan. A new car payment on a $40,000 minivan - even with a trade-in - would not be cheap. Arguably, it would be around $30,000 with trade-in. According to KellyBlueBook.com the cost - at minimal interest, spread out over 5 yeas (60 months) would around to $525/month. That is every month, for five full years. That is a long-term investment in her monthly spending cash!

I suggest a new compromise, one which would give your wife an idea as to whether or not a car loan is something she is willing to commit to long-term: Figure the purchase price on the vehicle she wants - all options included (since Montana has no sales tax on vehicle purchases, you do not have to factor this into the cost). Divide the total purchase cost by 60 to get her monthly payment. If she wants to shorten the length of the loan this will increase the payment; if she wants to extend the length of the loan this will lower the payment but also lower any trade-in value.

Once your wife sees what her monthly payment will be on a car loan, I suggest that she try to put aside that much of her personal spending money each month and not touch it for any reason - not for shopping, not for vacation, nothing. This will teach her what it is like to live with a large monthly car payment. (FYI: It is not fun!). If after one year she has succeeded in doing this and is still gung-ho about taking out a car loan she will at least have a sizable down-payment to go along with her trade-in vehicle. At this point, she will understand the discipline it takes to take on a car loan and will have proven that she is up to committing to it. Thius, in turn, will reflect marvelously on her credit report. If, on the other hand, she discovers that the sacrifice required is not one she can make she should agree to be content to drive her current vehicle until the time for a new one arrives - which will be when the becomes unsafe to drive or when yearly repair costs outstrip its value. In my experience, it generally takes less than twelve months to discover the sacrifices required to take on a large car payment are not worth making. In the meantime, you need to work on the power struggle that is occurring between the two of you.

Does your wife somehow feel like she receives less at home because she earns slightly less in the workplace? Does your wife suffer from some other form of emotional insecurity? Is she being - or has she been - bullied or made to feel insignificant by other women? I ask because using sex as a weapon or a bargaining chip - as your wife is doing by withholding it - is generally the result of the with-holder feeling a lack of power in the relationship (if, of course, the reason is not health related which does not appear to be the case). 

By withholding sexual attention, your wife has grabbed the seat of power in your marriage and is attempting to wield it to get her way. Surely she values marital intimacy more than a new minivan? Have you asked her this question? Getting to the real reason she feels the need to attempt to emotionally overpower you may help your wife overcome whatever feelings of insecurity she is attempting to overcome through a status purchase - which is what a $40,000 minivan is; a luxury purchase that, in our world of excess, will cause envy among those who see her driving it. 

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.