Sensible Or Scrooge? Sibling Refuses To Assist With Emergency Financial Help

Dear Tazi:

I have always lived my life debt free. I started working at age 16; rode a bus until I had saved enough money to buy my own car and pay for the insurance; attended a community college before transferring to a state university; and financed my education through a payment plan, not student loans. My current goal is to purchase my own home for cash, so I do not have to pay a mortgage. I live at home with my parents, who refuse to accept any money for room or board.

I have a pretty good job, and I manage to bank more than half of my take-home pay every week. By living frugally, I have managed to save over $100,000 in the past ten years. My problem is my sister. "Sue" is my polar opposite when it comes to money. She has very little savings because she took out thousands of dollars in student loans to attend her first choice school, and she now struggles as she follows her dream to make it as an actress. Admittedly she is very talented, but so are a lot of struggling actors and actresses; talent does not guarantee success. Although she has done well enough for herself, she is no where near being a big name star.

Our parents help Sue out whenever she asks for money, which is rare, but I have always been unable to shake the feeling that the big request for cash is the elephant in the room. Last month, the elephant trumpeted. Sue was in a terrible car accident. The driver who hit her car was uninsured so they are unable to pay for the damages, which are severe. Sue was in the hospital for a week, and her health insurance isn't the greatest so she has a 20% co-pay, which is thousands of dollars. Sue is going to be out of work for several months, and does not have any kind of disability insurance. Her car was only insured for the minimum her state requires, so her policy doesn't even pay enough to cover what she owes on her car, which was totaled and had more owing on it than it was worth in the first place. In summary, Sue is now over  $50,000 in debt with no way to pay and is looking at a long stretch of disability. Without some kind of assistance, she is looking at declaring bankruptcy.

My parents have nowhere near that kind of money to pay Sue's debts...but I do, and they have asked me to pitch in and assist her. I refused, reminding my parents of my dream to own my own home free and clear. My parents reminded me that I have taken advantage of their assistance to follow my dream, living with them rent free my whole life. I don't think it is fair for them to hold that fact over me, since they insisted I put the "rent" money towards my goal.

My parents own their own home, and are both retired. They have offered to deed me a portion of the house equal to what I would be willing to give to assist my sister, but this is money I will not see until after they have passed - unless I want to force them to take out a home equity loan to buy me out, and I am not that big of an [anal opening]. Am I being selfish, as everyone claims I am? Or are my sister's financial issues the result of her own poor choices?

Signed,
Secure and Happy...For Now

Dear Secure and Happy...For Now:

Are you certain that you are not that big of an [anal opening]? Did you get tested? It seems to me that you sold your humanity and your soul in exchange for a few extra dollars in your savings account. Throughout your entire letter, all you do is praise your own choices and criticize your sisters. I had to do some heavy editing out of these criticisms just to keep your letter on topic.

While I commend you on your sound financial choices and your ability to save, not everybody chose the path you did. Your sister chose to take risks, to strike out on her own; she may not have yet hit a home run, but she was safely running the bases when fate threw her a cruel curve-ball. Your judgmental attitude is doing nothing to alleviate her pain or your parents concern.

While I am not going to advise you to assist your sister - the choice to help or not to help must be yours alone - I will suggest that you look at the bigger picture. You say that your parents have offered to deed you a portion of the house equal to what you would be willing to give to help your sister. This may not be a bad idea. You claim that you pay cash for everything, so I am guessing that you do not have/use credit, which means you have no credit history and your only asset is your large bank account. This could come back to bite you in the rear when the day comes that you need some kind of credit history. Credit is not only used to grant loans; it is also used to gauge the quality of a person's reputation (fairly or unfairly). Many auto insurance companies use credit in deciding premiums; many employers run a credit check as part of the interview process; and even the telephone company requires a credit history before granting a contract for a mobile phone account.

Another point to consider is the fact that the housing market is starting to bounce back after bottoming out. A percentage share of a house (rather than a flat dollar amount) will continue to grow over the next few years; a $25,000 investment could increase to $40,000 in only a few years; a $50,000 investment now could easily increase to $75,000 or more by the time you are ready to reclaim your investment and purchase a home of your own. What other investment do you know of that will pay a 33% dividend over such a short period of time? These are details that you could work out with your parents before giving a firm yes or no answer to their request. Furthermore, if your goal is to pay cash for a home, depending on where you live you may have to save for several more years, during which time interest rates on investment savings remain low. Again, I am not telling you that you must assist your sister; I am simply telling you to consider all of the angles before shutting the door on your parents request.

Regardless of your desire, a refusal to assist your sister may result in your parents requesting that you start paying rent or even the demand that you find a place of your own now, rather than when you have enough saved to pay cash. After all, you are now in your thirties; have a sizable nest egg; and still live with them rent-free. Just one more angle to consider. I strongly suggest you talk to a financial planner or attorney who specializes in real estate law.

Perfunctory Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Shopaholic Or Not, Wasteful Spending Cuts Into Savings

Dear Tazi:

I have a problem.  When I get bored, I shop.  I am not a shopaholic - I don't feel the need to shop or get any kind of high off of it or feel let-down after I am finished shopping; I just have nothing better to do with my time so I go online and browse for things - gifts for upcoming birthdays, new clothes, bed and bath goodies, and stuff on clearance sale that looks like something I may eventually use.

I am not in debt over my head from my shopping habits, but I would like to pump up my savings account a bit, which I could do if I did not shop so much.  I was reading about one young entrepreneurial woman in Marie Claire magazine who started her business on a whim while unemployed.  She was able to do this because she took $20,000 from her savings for start-up costs.  What twentysomething has $20K in their savings account?  I suppose I could have half that much if I didn't spend so much.

My boyfriend doesn't have a problem with my spending; he tells me that if it makes me happy why stop?  The problem is, I am not sure that it makes me happy; not when I see the alternative things I can be doing with my money, like saving it to start my own business someday, although I am not certain what I would sell. My boyfriend tells me I am over thinking this, but I am not so sure.  What do you think, Tazi?  And do you have any tips to help me curb my spending habits?

Signed,
Bored Far Too Often

Dear Bored Far Too Often:

Can you control your spending when you shop?  It sounds to me as if you are a controlled shopaholic - someone who can control their shopping and spending so long as they are not tempted, but go crazy once the opportunity to shop presents itself.  How long can you continue shopping for needless things before your habit puts you into debt over your head?  Just because you can handle your debt now does not mean that you will always be able to make the payments on your credit cards.  One bout with a serious illness or stretch of unemployment can put you under financially, so a solid savings account is a good thing to have!

Since a solid savings account appears to be your goal, I can offer you some tips on how to get there; and since you humans love the organization of a list, I will present them to you in list form.  Consider it a post-Halloween treat!

1.  Know the difference between wasteful spending and investment spending.  Purchasing a pair of high-end, quality career shoes on end-of-season clearance is an investment; purchasing a pair of high-end, quality party shoes on clearance is not.  Before purchasing something, ask yourself: How often will I use this?  If I put it into storage for the season, will I remember that I have it?

2.  Invest in a book by financial guru Suze Orman - and read it!  The information she has to share is invaluable!  If you are not comfortable buying a book, see if your local library has it and give it a test drive.  I strongly recommend The Money Book for the Young, Fabulous and Broke (Riverhead Trade, 2007).

3. Put your credit cards into a lock-box or safe.  This will help you to resist the urge to use them by making them more difficult to access.  Carry one credit card - for emergencies - in your wallet.  Better yet, join AAA; your membership card can double as a pre-paid American Express card.

4. Unless you are absolutely certain that you will be giving someone a gift several months down the road, do not purchase something that will be "perfect" for them.  Furthermore, ask yourself: might an even better gift come along between now and then?

5. When you get the urge to spend wastefully, look at the price and put that same amount towards your credit card debt.  By doing this you are saving money and paying off your past purchases.  A bargain is not a bargain if you are paying monthly interest on it.

6. Create a budget based upon your pay cycle and stick to it.  If you are paid weekly, your budget should reflect that; bi-weekly, your budget should take you through two weeks.  By doing this you should not be caught short and should not have to dip into your savings to pay your regular bills.

7. Create an Excel spreadsheet and record every penny you spend for one full month.  Categorize each item - food, entertainment, credit cards, rent, etc. - and see how much you are spending in each area.  This will allow you  to profile your spending and cut back on things you do not need.  For example, do you really need a Starbucks coffee every morning?  At $2.50/cup adds up to $17.50 for one week!  You could buy and brew your coffee at home for a fraction of that price!

8. Pay yourself first.  My Mommie's Grandpa always used to tell her that she would never have a savings account if she did not pay herself first.  She wishes she took his advice to put 10% of every paycheck into savings and forget about it!  She does that now, and I suggest that you start!

9.  Buy store-brand food; it costs less and is usually manufactured by the brand name company.  Put the money you save into your savings account.

10. Sign up for and use store loyalty cards, cut (and use) coupons.  There are many online sites that offer coupons for free, so you don't even have to buy a newspaper to get them!

These small steps can add up to big savings, which you can put towards your dream of starting your own business, owning your own home, or taking a dream vacation.  Please write back in six months and let me know how you are doing!

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S.  Shame on your boyfriend for not being more supportive!  Could it be that his habits reflect yours, and any change would create the need for him to examine his own financial habits?


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Overwhelmed By Overdrafts, Young Husband Seeks Help

Dear Tazi:

I never thought I would be writing to an advice columnist, so I figure if I am I might as well write to a cat, right? I am a nineteen year old man, married six months, and my wife is driving me up a tree with her horrible banking habits.

"Liesel" has a bad habit of charging stuff to the debit card attached to our joint checking account and then not balancing the checkbook. After having to pay several hundred dollars in overdraft fees one month, I decided I should be the one to balance the checkbook. Now Liesel forgets to give me the receipts for the stuff she charges so the checkbook balance is just as messed up as ever. I have thought of applying for a low-limit credit card for her to use, but I hate the idea of having to pay interest on stupid stuff like a cup of coffee or a package of gum. This is the sort of stuff Liesel charges. I have tried giving her cash to pay with, but that just makes her spend even more.

I went to the bank to close our joint account, because I am afraid all of these overdrafts are ruining my credit, but I could not close the account without Liesel's agreeing; and I couldn't take my name off of the account without closing it. Liesel refuses to agree to this kind of solution because she believes that married couples should have joint bank accounts. I love my wife, but her spending habits have got to change! We are hoping to buy a house in a few years, and the money we are spending on overdrafts is sinking that dream. Do you have any suggestions about what I can do to get my wife to see reason?

Signed,
Underwater

Dear Underwater:

I am sure that the first thing you would like to do is take away Liesel's debit card! However, I do not advocate the subordination of one partner by another and this case is no exception. You are her husband, not her Daddy. Because debit card transactions do not always go through right away, a person can continue to charge on the account and rack up huge overdraft fees, which is what appears to be happening. Since Liesel is forgetting to give you her receipts, you may have to go online and view your account through your bank's online banking features. A list of charges will be made available, and you can confirm with Liesel whether or not she made these charges. You will also be able to see your balance and warn Liesel when it is getting low or even transfer funds from savings to prevent an overdraft. It is a lot of work on your part, but this plan should stop the overdraft fees. Don't worry - your wife is not getting out of trouble here!

It sounds to me that Liesel needs credit counseling and some lessons on financial responsibility. I am assuming she is close to your age, which means she has little to no experience with credit and its importance. Is she even the least bit upset about all of the money being wasted on overdraft fees? Because the two of you wish to save for a house, both a healthy savings account and a healthy credit report will be required. I suggest that you both put the debit cards away; agree to a spending budget for the both of you; and stick to it - meaning once the cash in your pocket is gone, that's it until the next paycheck.

Once you are both comfortable sticking with a weekly spending budget, you can try carrying the debit cards with you for emergencies only. If you find Liesel is falling back into her old habits and the overdraft fees start rolling in again, professional counseling may be required as the problem may run deeper than being scatterbrained when it comes to remembering to balance a checkbook.

I wish you both the best of luck, in your marriage and in your goal of buying your own home.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. With regard to married couples and checking accounts, I have to tell you I have heard of many couples keeping a joint bill paying account but separate personal accounts. Perhaps this is a compromise that would appeal to Liesel?



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Man Seeks Financial Gain By Living With Girlfriend

Dear Tazi:

I am a divorced Dad with custody of both my children; a boy aged six and a girl aged 8. Because they are different sexes each needs their own bedroom, and so do I, so I have to rent a three-bedroom apartment. The cost of a three-bedroom apartment is a lot more than a one or two bedroom place, and I am struggling to make ends meet and to provide my kids with everything they need and want, so I asked my girlfriend to move in with me. I figure that our relationship is ready for this next step, but she told me no.

When I asked her why she would not move in with me, “Stella” said it was because her half of the cost of a three-bedroom apartment, plus the utility bills for three additional people, would be more than twice what she is currently paying on her one-bedroom apartment. When I suggested that she continue to pay only what she is currently paying and I would pay the balance of our rent and utilities, Stella again turned me down stating that I would be the only one benefiting financially from such an arrangement.

Tazi, I do not believe that financial benefits should be the reason two people move in together. I think if the relationship is going to advance a couple needs to see how they would work as a family, and living together is a large part of that. When I explained this to Stella, she offered to pay $400 a month towards our expenses – exactly half of what she is currently paying for her own apartment and expenses. Tazi, my monthly expenses for me and my two kids tops $3000! Rent alone is $1600, which is why I think Stella should pay what she is currently paying - $800 – and I will handle the balance. I tried to explain this to Stella when she threw my kids’ entertainment practices in my face. Yes, the electric bill is very high because they love to play video games and go on the Internet – a lot – but they are kids; I say let them be kids! Stella also pointed out that my cable bill is more than twice of hers, but that is because I have several premium channels, that she would also be able to watch if she wanted, and a multi-room DVR that she could use, too.

Stella is not budging on this matter, and I am very hurt by it. If she moved in with me it would admittedly be a huge financial burden off of me and I would have her assistance with the kids, too (and with the cooking, cleaning, etc), but that is not why I want her to move in with me. Can you offer me any coaching in how to re-approach Stella – and get her to say yes?

Signed,
Tony

Dear Tony:

I assume that since you have custody of both of your children that you also claim them on your income tax return each year – and receive a sizable tax credit/refund for them. Did you offer to split this credit/refund with Stella? Or would you be keeping it all for yourself, even though Stella would be providing financial support for them by defraying your cost of raising them?

You say that you do not want Stella to move in for the financial benefits to you, but your attitude belies your words. Although you offer to allow Stella to keep her expenses the same, her responsibilities would be increasing (by your own admission) and she would be losing the privacy offered to her by having her own home. I understand that your expenses are much greater than hers, but they are your expenses.

With the exception of rent, the bills you mention could easily be pared down to a more appropriate size. Exactly how much electricity do your children use to entertain themselves? Young children should not be on the Internet unsupervised, and one hour per day of video gaming is sufficient on school nights; television should be watched only when all homework and chores are done. Should you choose to continue to subscribe to “several premium channels and a multi-room DVR” that is your choice – not Stella’s; if she wanted these channels she could easily subscribe.

I cannot coach you on what to say to Stella because I do not know what Stella wants. Maybe she would prefer to keep her own apartment; maybe she was hoping for an engagement ring instead of an offer to cohabitate; or maybe she feels as I do – that you are trying to take advantage for her for your own financial benefit. I suggest you come up with a fairer dynamic, one that does not have her taking on more financial and domestic responsibilities, and try presenting it to her. If this idea does not suit you, you will need to reexamine your intentions towards her – and hire a live-in Nanny/Maid.

Perfunctory Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Adult Son Wants To Return To The Nest; Mother Is On The Fence

Dear Tazi:

I don't know what I am going to do with my adult son. "Harper" is 40-years-old and has never been able to hold a steady job. In fact, he was fired from his very first job at age 16, and has been unable to hold down steady employment ever since. From what I can tell, it is not that he is without skills; just without commitment to holding to a regular schedule. Harper enjoys his free time, and believes that a job should not encroach on his personal time. He has quit several jobs due to "differences with the management", as he puts it; "a refusal to follow direction", is how the management puts it. I know because a few of the jobs he has quit involved working for friends of my late husband.

My husband passed when our son was only ten years old, and he left Harper a large trust fund that was to be used for his college education or to be accessed on his 30th birthday, should Harper follow a career path that did not require college, figuring twelve years after high school graduation would be enough time for Harper to establish himself financially and the trust monies handled appropriately. My husband was a wise man and a hard worker but, sadly, our son did not inherit his father's work ethic or business sense. Harper has squandered all but the last few thousand dollars of his trust, and has asked to move into my guest cottage while he sorts out his issues. I agreed to Harper's request, but this was before I discovered some new information that has me wanting to turn back on our agreement.

In advance of moving in to my guest cottage, Harper has started having his mail delivered there. The mailman, not realizing that Harper was to stay in the cottage delivered Harper's correspondence to the main house; which is how I discovered that Harper has applied for Social Security [Disability] benefits. When I approached Harper about this disgrace, he did not deny it; claiming he suffers from depression, which is why he is unable to hold down a job. He informed me that his original filing had been rejected, as was his appeal, because his doctor was not properly certified. Harper did not have an attorney representing him because those he approached demanded he see a certified physician. All in all, this why Harper needs to move into my guest cottage until he can figure out how to secure a primary source of income, now that his trust monies have been depleted.

Tazi, my husband worked very hard to accumulate his wealth and was not at all adverse to sharing it with those in true need of assistance. If he were here today to see what a disgrace his son has become he would disown him! The only thing depressing Harper is his inability to continue sponging off of his late father. My sister suffered from depression, so I am aware of the signs and symptoms and have a genuine concern for those who exhibit them - which Harper does not. The only time he is at all depressed is when the latest party or road trip ends. I believe that the judge saw right through Harper's charade, which is why he was turned down for Social Security. (Did I mention that Harper also smokes marijuana, saying it is a treatment for his depression? Hogwash!).

I would like to tell Harper that I have changed my mind about allowing him to move into my guest cottage, but I am afraid that he will have nowhere else to turn and will end up sleeping on a couch in someone's basement. If, however, I allow him to move into my guest cottage I fear he will be living there until I join his father. Do you have any advice to offer, Tazi?

Signed,
Harped On

Dear Harped On:

I would first like to address your opinion that Harper's use of marijuana for the treatment of depression. According to a recent John's Hopkins University report hallucinogenic drugs have been shown to help people with mood disorders look at their problems from a different perspective. Marijuana is technically a hallucinogen, but the instance of hallucinogenic experiences while using the drug is very rare. The John Hopkins study did not include marijuana, focusing instead on hard drugs such as "MDMA (also known as the street drug "Ecstasy"), psilocybin ("magic mushrooms"), and ketamine ("Special K")"

In my Mommie's paraprofessional scientific opinion (she has a degree in Science, as well as Communications, but does not hold graduate credentials), any relief Harper gets from smoking marijuana is outweighed by the negative effects of the drug, which include a causal link to mood disorders; such as depression and amotivational syndrome - which may be what your son actually suffers, considering his work history. A psychological examination would be required for an actual and accurate diagnosis, which is why I recommend that you require Harper to get one as a condition to moving into your guest cottage. Should he refuse or claim that he has already received treatment, stand firm and tell him it's your guest cottage; so you make the rules for living there.

If a psychological workup by a properly certified psychiatrist shows that Harper is suffering from depression or any other type of mood disorder that leaves him unable to work the first step is to get him to quit smoking marijuana. If follow-up treatment shows no improvement for his mood disorder he is entitled to re-file for disability benefits. There is no shame in collecting SSDI benefits if they are truly needed. Included in these benefits is medical treatment for the root cause of the disability, in the hope that intensive treatment will cure the disability. SSDI benefits are not guaranteed for life and, in the case of those receiving benefits for mood disorders, a yearly review of benefits can be expected.

I understand your desire to be supportive of your son without being supportive of his bad habits; but at this time I believe you are in the perfect position to see that he gets the medical treatment he needs. In order to protect your own interests, though, I would recommend having your son sign a detailed lease outlining the terms and conditions of his taking up residence in your guest cottage. Your attorney can assist you with this matter, if necessary.

Snuggles,
Tazi



Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

To Sell Or Not To Sell? That Is One Man's Question!

Dear Tazi:

I live in an area where the housing market is especially depressed. The good thing about this is that I do not have a mortgage; I own my own home. The bad thing is that my wife wants to sell and move to Florida. “Mildred” feels that since we do not owe a mortgage on the house, anything we get will be profit so we do not have to wait until the market improves to sell.

Tazi, Mildred is my second wife. We married after the house was paid for, partially with the monies of my late wife’s life insurance. I resent the idea that her death has allowed for a “profit” on the house and would tell Mildred directly if it were not for the fact that she is so sensitive about my first wife (that is another issue altogether).

I have informed Mildred that I do not wish to sell the house until the economy improves and offers a better return on investment. I have agreed to move to Florida (against my personal desires) and rent our current home but Mildred does not think this is a good idea. She would rather have a lump sum of cash than a monthly dividend. I am afraid if we sell this house for a lump sum the money will be gone all at once, too. Mildred loves to spend, a habit I was unaware of until after we were married.

Tazi, I love my wife and want to make her happy, but I cannot do that if it is going to mean great financial loss. I know what I would like to do…but am uncertain if it is the right choice, morally. What would you advise?

Signed,
Frugal Fred

Dear Frugal Fred:

When in doubt, take a moment to scratch behind the ears of a feline. The soft fur and the rhythmic purr will relax you; melt away your stress; and make for one very happy kitty! Oh, it will also clear your head so you can think straight. If you do not have a feline, I suggest you make a trip to your local animal shelter and adopt one. If this is not possible, ask a friend if you can borrow their cat. Let the meditative ear scratches commence!

Now that you are relaxed and your mind is clear, what is your inner voice telling you? Is it telling you to feed me some kitty treats? Oh, sorry…I pull this exercise on Mommie all the time. Is your inner voice telling you to follow your heart? Morally, you should at least consider your wife’s wishes, just as she should consider yours. Knowing how much she likes to spend money, would it be morally responsible of you to sell your house (for a lesser price) and watch her spend it all within a few years? Or would it be more prudent to rent your house and use the monthly proceeds to buy/rent a place in Florida?

One of the wonderful things about coupledom is that one partner tends to balance the other. If I were in your shoes, I would again offer the compromise that has already been made: rent your current house, rather than sell, and rent another place in Florida for yourself. You may discover that Florida is not what you want for year-round living (it gets hot and humid in the summer, not to mention the bugs, snakes, and other reptiles).

If I were you, I would explain to Mildred that the compromise on the table is the only move you are willing to make at this time. In the end, you can always change your mind about renting out your house; but should you regret selling there is no buying it back.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Husband Prefers Cash - And A Second Job To Get It

Dear Tazi:

I am devastated; certain that my husband of five years is ready to leave me, and don’t know what to do or where to turn. When I was a teenager, I would cry out my problems to Butterball, my cat, but Butterball died years ago. A friend showed me your column; so here I am, writing to you.

This past fall “Zach” told me that he wanted to join an after-work fantasy football league with some friends, at a local pub-style restaurant. They would meet one night a week after work – a guy’s night out kind of thing, and then at someone’s house to watch the games on the weekends. I thought this was a great idea, since Zach works very hard and deserves some down time with his friends.

Zach is horrible when it comes to balancing the checkbook or paying the bills on time, so he gladly handed this responsibility over to me when we got married. Since both of our checks are direct deposited, neither of us actually cashes our paycheck. In order to avoid multiple ATM receipts that could easily get lost or go unrecorded, we each get a small amount of cash at the start of each pay period, and load our Dunkin’ Donuts pre-paid cards online at the same time; we also use pre-loaded gas cards to fill up our vehicles and pre-paid Wal-Mart cards for our store purchases. In this way, we have managed to save money by not carrying cash and avoid expensive overdrafts on our checking account. I have started to budget additional $50 cash for Zach each week, so he has enough spending money to cover his night out – dinner, a few beers, and a round of drinks for him and his buddies.

Now that football season has ended I expected Zach’s nights and weekends out would slow down until next year, but they have not. Zach continues to be out of the house one night a week and on weekends. I asked him how long the league would be continuing – figuring he would surely be done by the Super Bowl – and he told me that the league will continue year round; that a baseball fantasy league is starting. This sounded plausible, so I dropped the subject.

Last night, I went out to pick up a few items at the convenience store, and almost died of shock when I saw that Zach was the cashier! I marched up to the counter to pay for my things and Zach pre-empted my anger by telling me that he was on the clock and we could discuss things when he got home. As it turns out, Zach has not been going out with his friends a few times a week – he has been working part-time at the convenience store!

When I asked Zach why he would deceive me – first lying about his whereabouts and then taking the extra cash each week – he told me that “a man doesn’t feel like a man without money in his pocket”. Between what he makes at the store and the extra money from our budget, he is carrying around an extra $150 a week! How much money does he need to feel like a man? When I mentioned to Zach that we have budgeted enough money for him to carry around, he gave me a withering look and said, “I’m not a child; I shouldn’t have to ask for my allowance”.

Tazi, what does all this mean? I have never made Zach feel like a child! I only take care of the finances because he won’t, and I receive my share of personal money on the same schedule as him. I asked Zach if he is seeing another woman and spending the money on her, which he denied. I asked him if he was saving up to leave me, but he said no to that, too. I want to believe him, but I can’t. Why else would my husband do this to us, Tazi?

Signed,

Not Broke, Just Brokenhearted

Dear Not Broke, Just Brokenhearted:

Jerry Seinfeld once did a monologue about the difference between how men and women act at the store when paying for something by check. Seinfeld compared a woman with a checkbook to a cowboy and his gun – she will whip that thing out and put it to work without missing a beat. A man, on the other hand, will sheepishly pull out a check and tell the cashier that he doesn't have any real money on him, but if you take this piece of paper to the bank, those people will give the cashier money on his behalf. When you put it that way, it makes paying by check sound pretty lame. Seinfeld recorded that bit back in the early ‘90’s, before pre-paid cards were in existence  but it could be that Zach feels the same way about using a plastic card to pay for his $1.50 tab at the coffee shop.

The fact that Zach felt strongly enough about having cash in his pocket to take on a second job speaks strongly to the lack of communication in your marriage. Has Zach been spending the extra $150 a week that he has in his pocket, or is he saving it? If he is spending it, on what is it being spent? Does Zach have a gambling problem, drinking issue, or other expensive issue that he is keeping from you? If Zach is saving the money, for what reason? Is he planning a large, expensive purchase that would otherwise not fit into your budget?

Your husband’s response to you – that a man needs money in his pocket to feel like a man – tells me that he needs to be more involved in your bill paying and budgeting process. Just because you handle this responsibility does not mean that he should be excluded from it completely; doing so has made Zach feel like a child asking his Mommy for his weekly allowance. This is not healthy from any perspective.

My larger concern for your marriage is that your husband felt that he had to go behind your back in order to have money in his pocket. You may not realize it, but you could be exerting too much control over your joint finances. (Pre-paid cards for almost everything?). While your system may work for you, it is clearly not working for your husband. I suggest that – together – the two of you figure out how much money Zach needs each week for his expenses, and give him that money in cash, not on a pre-loaded plastic card. Stop giving him the extra $50 for going out, since he obviously is not, and if he wants to keep his second job for extra spending cash let that be his business. However, if he runs short of cash because he is spending more now that he is carrying more do not allow him to break your budget by giving him more money.

Many couples keep joint accounts for bill paying and savings, which is where they keep the bulk of their money, and separate, smaller individual accounts for their personal spending money and savings towards extravagant personal items. Perhaps the time has come for you and Zach to consider this idea for yourselves. This idea would require Zach to keep track of his own banking records, but then that might be just what he needs to feel more like a man.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Livin' On A Prayer (Instead Of A Budget) Irritates Friend

Dear Tazi:

I have a friend who is an absolute diva!  Anything she wants, she gets and worries about the bill later.  This would not concern me so much if it were not for the fact that she keeps trying to drag me down with her.  If she wants a pedicure, she insists I come along; when I tell her I can’t afford one, she replies, “Sure you can!  You just think you can’t!”  No, Tazi, I really can’t….plus I live in the North and open-toe shoe season is over.  Nobody is going to see my feet anyway!  This is just one example of “Tonya’s” irresponsibility.  There are many more.

Tonya has always kept her spending a secret from her husband, arguing that she can do what she wants with her “allowance”.  Tonya pays the bills – her husband does not want the responsibility – so her husband cannot see the hundreds of dollars she spends every month on stuff she does not need.

Tonya’s husband just lost his job, and they have had to cut back on a lot of things, including cable TV; cigarettes and alcohol; date nights; coffee shop coffee; and laundry service – but Tonya still spends money on stupid stuff!  This week she wanted me to go with her to get our Tarot cards read.  She said the psychic is very reputable, which is why she costs so much, but Tonya wanted to know how much longer she was going to have to “pinch pennies”.  Tazi, she isn't!  Although I accompany her on most of her outings, I do not indulge myself.  I am now starting to feel resentful towards Tonya for the way she spends money she does not have while her husband joneses for a cigarette.  I completely understand how he feels, and want to say something to him.  Should I?

Signed,

The REAL Penny-Pincher

Dear The REAL Penny-Pincher:

I can see how your friend’s attitude would disgust you; I am mildly disgusted by her myself and I have not had to sit next to her as Miss Cleo tells her the future. While I believe in the gift of reputable psychics I also believe that there is an appropriate time to visit one - and when you are down and out is not that time. The same can be said for pedicures and other indulgences.

I would advise against telling Tonya’s husband just where all their money is going; if he has any interest in knowing he can step up to the responsibility of assisting with the household budget.  I am aware that in most marriages one person handles the finances, but the other spouse is generally aware of where the money is being spent.  Willful ignorance offers its own rewards, as well as its own punishments.

You are wise not to spend money that you do not have to spend, even in the face of temptation.  Unfortunately, watching Tonya’s high rolling behavior sounds like it is dragging on your spirits.  May I suggest a compromise?  The next time Tonya suggests something that costs money – pedicures, Tarot readings, lunch at a fancy restaurant – counter-offer with an idea that is low-cost or free.  Colleges and universities frequently host lectures that are free and open to the public; in many areas, museums offer free admission on the first Saturday of the month; and your public library is a great place to look at local artwork, find a good book, or just chill with a friend!  If none of this appeals to you, why not try people watching at Walmart?  The view is always an interesting one!                                                                                        

Willy the Pimp. So this is who Frank Zappa was singing about...
Photo courtesy of PeopleofWalmart.com

If you cannot convince Tonya to leave Macy's and return to Walmart (figuratively speaking, although quite literally as well) you will have to tell her that you will no longer be a party to her wasteful spending. Then, find your own way to keep busy with other friends. There are other fish in the sea!

Snuggles,

Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

"Cunning" In-Laws Convince Son To Be Bad Husband

Dear Tazi,

I have a problem with my in-laws. My marriage is breaking apart because of their constant interference by talking out against me to my husband . My husband is a devout son, and does not want to see their intentions of keeping us apart so that they can have him to themselves all the time. He is blind to their actions. Their interference has increased to the extent that my husband has withdrawn all the money from the bank account that we jointly hold saying that I am going to spend all the money away. 

My in-laws are very cunning and would always gate crash our holidays, anniversary celebrations etc. I have tried confronting my husband as well as my in-laws. The only response I get is shouting and cursing. Please give me some help and advice.

Signed,

Odd One Out

Dear Odd One Out:

No loving child (youth or adult) wants to see their parents as bad people, so I can understand why your husband is blind to their goal of cutting you out of the picture. Perhaps he sees the time he spends with them as quality time between mother and son/father and son, and expects you to spend this same time with your parents. I am giving him the benefit of the doubt here because you say yourself that his parents are "very cunning"; it would seem that the combination of their cleverness and their honest concern for their son has cast a spell over him and he has forgotten that his first responsibility is to his marriage.

That's correct; I said your husband's first responsibility is to his marriage, as is yours. A marriage is not about the husband putting the wife first and the wife putting the husband first, but about putting the union first and doing what needs to be done to keep that union between the two spouses strong. By putting his parents first your husband has inadvertently put a large wedge into your marital bond.  Would you be able to talk to him about things from this angle? If you do not feel comfortable trying, a marriage counselor or clergy person can assist you - either alone, by helping you rehearse a conversation, or by working with the two of you as a couple. You do not say if there are children involved, but if there are this is one more important reason to try all the harder.

The fact that your in-laws "gate crash" events has me puzzled. Are they inviting themselves along to your intimate dinner-for-two or are they showing up at a large party where everyone but them was invited? If it is the former, your husband needs to draw some boundaries and enforce them if he wants his marriage to work; if it is the latter, you will have to loosen up and grin and bear it. As odious as you find your in-laws, they are family and should not be excluded when other members of your husband's family are celebrating with you (an exception to this would be a young couples gathering). 

Finally, I am astounded at your husband's callousness in reasoning away his unreasonable and disrespectful move of removing all of your money from a jointly held account. A joint account cannot be closed by one party, so it appears he did the next best thing by removing all of the money from it. Regardless of where your marriage is headed - reconciliation or divorce - I strongly advise you to meet with your banking representative and ask for:

1) A copy of the statement showing the withdrawal, which will include the existing balance before the withdrawal.

2) A copy of the check or withdrawal slip used to make the withdrawal. This will have your husband's signature on it proving it was he who withdrew the funds. (If he used an ATM card, a record that it was his card will exist, as well).

Keep these in a safe place, or give it to your attorney if you have one to represent you or even a friend who is an attorney and is willing to keep such confidential matters for you. This joint account is a marital asset, and you are entitled to half of it. If one of you decides to legally dissolve your marriage these documents will be your proof that the funds existed - even if your husband has somehow managed to hide it - and were withdrawn in a lump sum. If you cannot get the cash, you will be entitled to the cash equivalent or even a payout over time. 

Advising couples on how to prepare to leave is something I hate to do, but I must be realistic and accept that it happens. If you and your husband decide that your marriage is worth saving, you should enlist the help of a counselor who will help you negotiate what will be some rough waters - and keep things from devolving into screams and curses hurled at each other in anger. I wish you all the best.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

"Controlling" Husband Pleases Wife, Irks Sister-In-Law

Dear Tazi:

I am not writing for marital advice but communication advice. Call me old-fashioned, but I am the kind of man who likes to keep a firm grip of control over my wife and children. A man's family is a representation of his name and I will not have that name tarnished by unseemly behavior.

My wife trusts me to command the direction of our marriage and of the well-being of our young children. To that end, her paycheck is direct deposited into my checking account each week (no, it is not a joint account); she dresses quite conservatively; and our children are not allowed to have play dates with children whose families have not been pre-screened and approved of by me. Of course "Mary" is allowed to be a part of this process, but I have the final say in the matter. Our marriage is rock solid, and my children are both respectful, well-adjusted little beings.

My issue is my sister-in-law - my wife's sister - has a problem with how my household is run and never fails to criticize me and my wife at every turn. "Margaret" tells Mary that she needs to be more independent and that she should have her own checking account "just in case". In case of what? I have no plans on abandoning my wife and children and nor does Mary plan on abandoning me.

My wife recently celebrated a milestone birthday, and I threw a large party in her honor. Because it was a party, there was a good deal of food that is normally off-limits to my children, and I allowed them to indulge just a bit with a small portion of cake and ice cream as well as a can of soda each. Margaret, who perhaps had a little too much to drink, flew off the handle at me (in front of my wife, children, and our other guests) and told me I was a "controlling sonofab!tch" and that I needed to loosen the grip I have on her sister (my wife). I kept my cool long enough to ask Margaret to please step outside to discuss things with me, that I will not be disrespected in front of my wife and children, but she ranted that this was my problem - that I wanted complete control over everyone's actions and that she would rant where she wanted, when she wanted (which she proceeded to do).

Mary tried to calm her sister, telling her that our marriage is a happy and healthy one; that she is happy and does not have a problem with the way we live our lives. Margaret continued to rant, saying that marriage is "a partnership, not a dictatorship" but when I tried to talk to her, she left in a huff. Tazi, my marriage is a partnership; however, every partnership has a controlling partner to guide it and that partner is me. When I told Margaret this, she screamed, "You have THAT right!" and walked out of the party, much to my wife's chagrin. Mary then worked on calming our children, who were quite distraught, and unfortunately the party ended up breaking up early at this point.

To her credit, Margaret called the next day to apologize - to Mary, for making such a scene and ruining the party. Her apology also came with a "but" (as in "I'm sorry but...") at which point she proceeded to rail against me and the functioning of my marriage. Again to her credit, Mary made an excuse as to why she needed to end the call and hung-up. Mary has all but given up on trying to convince her sister that she is happy with our marriage, but I have not! How can I get Margaret to understand that my marriage is in ship-shape, and that her concerns for her sister are unwarranted?

Signed,
Good Husband

Dear Good Husband:

To paraphrase from the Book of Ephesians (5:21 - 23), a good wife obeys her husband as she would obey the Lord; in return, to be a good husband a man must love his wife "just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her". While a large part of me cringes at this entire sentiment (for it goes against the very desires of human nature) if you, as a couple, are able to accomplish the extremely high standards set forth here and both husband and wife are happy and fulfilled by the arrangement then I see nothing wrong with it. The Devil, as it is said, is in the details.

Is your wife truly happy being subject to your control? Does she trust you implicitly to put her well-being and the well-being of your marriage and children above your personal desires at all times?  More importantly, do you trust yourself to be able to meet this standard 100% of the time? Do you communicate with your wife on a regular basis to ensure that her thoughts and opinions are being heard and properly considered? Do you run decisions by her or just blindly decide and expect her to follow your will without explanation? These are the details in which the Devil lurks!

I suggest you have a sit-down talk with your wife and really listen to her answers. Does she make eye contact when she assures you that she is perfectly happy? Does she fidget uncomfortably or does she seem sincere? The answers you get - both verbal and non-verbal - will tell you the true state of your marital health. If there are problems, I suggest you and your wife talk to your clergy-person or to a marital counselor for guidance. If there are not, I suggest you try to follow your wife's lead and work to accept the things - and the minds - that you cannot change. Allow your wife to handle her sister and accept the manner in which she chooses to do it.

No one seems to take issue when it's the wife who controls things!

On the matter of household finances, I would strongly urge you to put your wife's name on the household checking account "just in case". Since you ask "just in case of what?" you may want to consider the following: emergencies during which you are unavailable, a medical emergency during which you are stricken and/or hospitalized, an accident that results in your death or prolonged unconsciousness, a vehicle break-down that requires her to have cash to make payment for a tow...the list goes on and on, but I think you get the picture. Your wife trusts you enough to hand over her paycheck to you; respect her enough to allow her access to that money.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Wife's New Hair Do Is A Budget Don't For Her Husband

Dear Tazi:

On the spur of the moment, I decided to cut my hair short and dye it platinum blonde. I normally have long, straight brown hair, so I thought short, spiked, and blonde would be fun. My husband, "Sal", hates it and asked me what was I thinking! He told me the look would "take some getting used to" but that if this was the look I wanted he would support my decision. Not exactly the response I wanted!

I thought everything was going to be okay - my husband seemed to be adjusting to my fierce new look - when the credit card bill came in and Sal saw just how much my transformation cost. He went through the roof! All told with the original cut and color plus an additional trim/shaping my new look cost around $200. Sal told me to go to the local barber for a trim and to stock up on peroxide because he is not going to agree to seeing our household budget broken on a look he doesn't even like. I was so hurt that I didn't even know how to respond.

Since that argument, I have been rather cool to my husband and have gone ahead and scheduled an appointment for a trim and root job, because I will need to have it done every 4 - 6 weeks to keep up with this look. The cost should only be around $75 this time, since I don't need a consultation and my hair is much shorter so it will require less time with the stylist. I am considering paying for this appointment out of my own, personal spending money just to keep the peace, but I don't think that is fair. My husband gets his hair buzzed once a week, and it costs us around $40/month. I don't tell him to invest in a Norelco! Am I being petty and vengeful, as my mother suggests, or am I right to stand my ground?

Signed,
Hairy Situation

Are you being petty? That depends. Did you leave the house looking like Crystal Gayle and come home looking like Aimee Mann circa 1985?

Before and after

And don't it make her brown eyes blue?

You have to remember that making a major change without telling your husband - or even asking his opinion - must have come as a shock to him; to discover that you made such a large "investment" without even mentioning it to him may come off as disrespectful, even if it was an impulse "buy". If money is tight, I can see why he would be even more upset once he saw how much hour "fierce new look" is costing to create and to maintain.

While I do not suggest you tell your husband to invest in a Norelco, you may want to discuss splitting the difference with him. Gently approach him and tell him that you went about changing your look rather quickly, and did not consider his feelings or how he would react to the cost. Tell him that you like your new look, and want to maintain it - but not at the cost of your marriage. Explain to him that you will be willing to meet him halfway and split the cost of maintaining your look in return for his acceptance that it is your hair and that you have the right to style it as you like it. Since Sal pays $40/month for hair maintenance I do not think it unreasonable to request the same amount (or a little more) from the shared finances to cover your hair care. This should work as an opening statement, since I am not entirely convinced that this is about the cost of hair care in the first place but rather about your husband feeling left out of a major personal decision.

Once the lines of communication are again open, try to work through the issues that your new look has caused. Does your husband hate it because he feels you no longer look like the woman he married? Or do you frequently make impulse decisions without considering his feelings on the subject? While your hair is your own to do with as you wish, the family budget is not! There are many things to consider that you do not appear to be considering here.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Husband Seeks Control Over His Paycheck, Wife Wonders Why

Dear Tazi:

I have a problem that I am NOT comfortable talking about with anyone! I am what you'd call a "man's man", the kind of guy who others see as macho and tough, the kind of man who wears the pants at home and is a leader at work, the kind of guy who doesn't take nuthin' from nobody. While this is true for the most part, it is not completely true. My wife handles our finances and has me on a weekly "allowance" of spending money.

"Florence" likes to budget every dime, and she is an excellent bookkeeper and a wonderful wife, so I am not complaining about that...it's just that sometimes I feel like a man at work and a little kid at home. The guys all think I am kind of a big deal because I always pay cash money for everything - but the truth is that you will never see me charge anything to a debit card because I don't carry one; Florence won't let me. I am given $50/week spending money to spend on whatever I want - beer, coffee, magazines, whatever...gas money for my truck does not come out of this; this money is just for me. It is plenty - I am not complaining about the amount, just that I feel like a child when my wife gives me my "allowance" each payday.

I work hard and would like to maintain some semblance of dignity and I think keeping the money I earn - and not calling it my allowance - would make a difference. Rather than handing over my check to my wife, I would like to go to the bank and cash it, grab my spending money out of that, and then deposit the remained and give my wife the receipt to balance the books. When I brought up this matter to Florence she just gave me a funny look and told me I was making a big deal out of nothing, but I don't feel that this is nothing. I don't even want to think of the ribbing I would take from the guys if they heard about my "allowance". Should I just let it go? Or am I being controlled by my wife?

Signed,
Macho (Or Not So?) Man

Dear Macho (Or Not So?) Man:

I can completely understand why you feel emasculated by your wife's insistence that you bring her your weekly paycheck, un-cashed, for her to deposit and in return receive "allowance money". You are not a twelve year old with a paper route; you are an adult man and should be respected as one. Could the two of you at least agree to call your weekly allotment your "spending money" or "fun money" or even "walking around money"? Choose a term that works for you, and ask Florence to use it.

Your wife's desire to receive your check and cash it herself makes me wonder if there is another side to the story that you are not telling me. Do you have a history of hiding money from her? Spending your check at the bar or the casino before it makes its way home? Is your wife a homemaker who has the time to go to the bank during the day thus saving you the trip on the way home from work? Or is she just an absolute control freak?

Or is she from Japan, where this practice is quite common?

If your company offers direct deposit, this may be an option for you; this way, neither you or Florence would have the responsibility of depositing your weekly paycheck. Instead, it is directly deposited into the account - or accounts - of your choosing. If you would like to start carrying a debit card (which can be great for emergencies, but requires an extra book to balance) you could set up a "spending money account"; each week, your $50 could be direct deposited into this account with the balance deposited into your household account. Florence could have a spending account of her own, too, if that is what you wish. This way, you will be able to withdraw your own spending money each week; bank that which you do not spend for a "treat" purchase, like tickets to a sporting event or a new TV; and in the end feel like you have control over your own personal finances. So long as you are willing to balance your own personal spending money account, I do not see why your wife would object to your having it.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Is $500 A Year Too Much To Spend On Hair Care?

Dear Tazi:

I have long, curly hair that requires quite a bit of maintenance to keep looking good. I go to the hairdresser for a trim every eight weeks, and purchase salon products to wash and style my hair. I realize these are expensive, but I use them sparingly so one bottle of shampoo will last me for several months so the cost evens out a bit when compared with the brands sold in retail stores (which do not work as well on my hair; I have tried them all and I have to use more for less results).

My problem is that my husband is nagging me about the amount of money I spend on hair care. As year-end approaches, he has added up the total amount of my salon visits and hair products, and showed me that I have spend roughly $500 on cuts, highlights, and washing/styling products so far this year. He compared my spending to his hair-care spending, commenting he gets his hair cut once a month at the barber and spends only $15 per cut. I know we need to watch our budget, but I don't believe that my personal appearance should suffer for it!

I pointed out to my husband that he was not counting the price of his dandruff shampoo and conditioner ($10/set) and that he goes through one bottle of each per month, adding $120 to his "tab". I pointed out that his monthly supply of [men's hair coloring] is another $10/box, adding another $120 to his "tab", bringing it to a total that is darn close to mine! He argued that his products are necessary and that mine are not.

I asked my husband what he meant when he said his products were "necessary" and he told me that my highlights are "for fun" while his hair coloring is necessary to hide his gray and give him a youthful look in the workplace. He told me that I could easily go to a chain salon rather than the boutique and save a few hundred dollars per year. While this may be true, I have a great working relationship with my hairdresser and I do not wish to abandon it to save a few hundred dollars. I have suggested we look for other ways to save money, but he is being adamant that my hair care has to go - and has suggested that I cut my hair off into a pixie cut to accomplish this!

Tazi, it has been two days and I am still not speaking to my husband. Maybe I am being vain...but I love my hair! It is my one indulgence, whereas my husband has several. I think he should have to give up golf...or video games...or his cable-TV sports package...or something! Right?

Signed,
Stay At Home Mom

Dear Stay At Home Mom:

I thought your husband was a control freak until I got to your signature. Now I see that he is a control freak with a God complex. It appears that your husband thinks that because he earns the paycheck he should have full say and control over how it is spent. I disagree with this - just because your work does not result in a paycheck does not mean that it does not result in an increased bottom line for your family budget.

While you do not work in a professional office, I can understand your desire to look nice. Being a stay-at-home-Mom can result in stained clothes, frayed nerves, and unshaven legs all in the name of putting the children first, so it is nice to be able to have one thing about yourself that keeps you connected to the woman you were before you became a Mom. She's still in there; let her shine through!  It will make you a better Mom by making you a happier woman. Is this something you can explain to your husband?

If your husband wants to save a few dollars, I suggest that he cut back in the areas you suggest - so long as it doesn't kill his career! Wouldn't want the gray hair to say "old" instead of "experience"! Seriously, though, if golf and pro-sports games are how he networks with his business connections, they will have to stay; however, I find his accounting for your every penny while discounting his own costs to be a real problem.

I suggest that the two of you sit down together and examine why your husband feels his treats and perks are more deserved than yours; you may have to do this in the office of a marriage counselor, but perhaps that is what your marriage needs at this point (there is no shame in this; think of the counselor as a coach - even the great Tom Brady listens to Coach Belichick!).

I also suggest that you look at your budget as a whole, and not cherry-pick items that your husband thinks are too expensive. The bottom line just may be getting weighed down by his excessive spending, and not your occasional perk.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Balancing The Books Made Easy With These Tips!

Dear Tazi:

My wife cannot balance a checkbook to save her life. Have you ever seen that episode of Everybody Loves Raymond where Ray tries to balance the checkbook and ends up creating an entire new one because the screwed up the first one so bad? That's my wife!

"Shirley" has a terrible habit of losing receipts before she can record them, forgets to record them, and simply "refreshes" the balance when the statement comes in - she doesn't even try to balance it anymore! I would take over the duty of balancing the books myself but I am a long-distance truck driver and am not home every day to handle this. I have suggested to Shirley that she pay cash for everything, but she feels that I am trying to control her when I am not around. Tazi, I work hard for our money and am sick of seeing it go to overdraft fees! Any ideas on how to take care of this?

Signed,
Buffalo Bill

Dear Buffalo Bill:

Finances are one of the biggest issues between couples, especially when one person is more responsible than the other. Since paying cash for everything can be a royal pain (because you don't always know how much cash you will need) I can understand your wife's resistance to this.

Since you are on the road much of the time, I can also understand why it would be difficult for you to take on this responsibility yourself. I have a few suggestions for you from friends who are or are married to long-distance truck drivers:

1. Pre-paid debit cards for stores you frequent regularly. Rather than charge a few dollars for a coffee several times a day, load a pre-paid card once a week. This results in one charge as opposed to several to try and keep track of and record. This would work well for both you and your wife.

2. Online bill payments. These can be scheduled ahead of time so you are never late and since the amount clears immediately you do not have to worry about the "float" period that comes with writing a check, reducing the possibility of bouncing a check. (Just be sure to check your bank account balance before making a payment!).

3. Balance Inquiry at the ATM. Before withdrawing money from the ATM, do a balance inquiry to see how much you have in the account. By doing this, you will be able to calculate your remaining balance before you take money out of the bank (because what is the likelihood that you will re-deposit the money you just withdrew?).

4. Putting receipts into the checkbook. Since getting into the habit of immediately recording all receipts can be difficult, an easier way to handle this is to put the receipts into the checkbook.

5. Use a designated credit card for all day-to-day purchases and pay it off at the end of every month. No more bounced check fees!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Using Sex As A Weapon Leads To Power Struggle In Marriage

Tazi,

I just read your response to "Wife Wants A New Car Payment; Husband Wants To Live Debt-Free". I thought it was from my wife until I read about the student loans. My wife wants a new $40,000 Honda Pilot. She drives a 2008 Toyota Sienna that we paid ~$30,000 for new in 2008. My point is at there is nothing wrong with her van. We are both working professionals, and I while I make a few thousand more per year I will not make a major purchase without her agreement. I drive a 2006 truck, and while I'd love a new vehicle (who wouldn't), I would rather have money to enjoy and travel with. She agrees with me that we should both vote "yes" before making a $40,000 purchase, but she will not let it go!

While I prefer to live debt free, I offered a compromise that she has refused. My offer was that since we both would like to spend money differently we would sit down and from a written budget that includes our combined income. After paying all the bills, we would agree on how much to save and divide the rest equally. We would each be allowed to manage our share of the excess income how we wish. She can use hers on a car payment, hobbies, shopping, etc. and I would be able to spend my share on saying, hunting land, and my hobbies.

I really thought it was a fair compromise, but she insists her car that is 2 years newer than mine "needs" to be replaced. She has been stuck on this car fantasy for months and refuses sex, only constantly shows me cars she is interested in.

Signed,

Lost in Montana

Dear Lost In Montana:

I believe your compromise is an excellent one, and it is one that I have recommended in the past. Once bills are paid, and money is set aside for savings and emergencies, I believe that couples should be able to have their own "independent" money to spend as they wish - within reason. If you want to buy a new hunting rifle, that is within reason; if you want to buy a $10,000 hunting lodge, I would tell you to talk it over with your wife first.

I am not certain that your wife fully understands the long-term commitment of a car loan. A new car payment on a $40,000 minivan - even with a trade-in - would not be cheap. Arguably, it would be around $30,000 with trade-in. According to KellyBlueBook.com the cost - at minimal interest, spread out over 5 yeas (60 months) would around to $525/month. That is every month, for five full years. That is a long-term investment in her monthly spending cash!

I suggest a new compromise, one which would give your wife an idea as to whether or not a car loan is something she is willing to commit to long-term: Figure the purchase price on the vehicle she wants - all options included (since Montana has no sales tax on vehicle purchases, you do not have to factor this into the cost). Divide the total purchase cost by 60 to get her monthly payment. If she wants to shorten the length of the loan this will increase the payment; if she wants to extend the length of the loan this will lower the payment but also lower any trade-in value.

Once your wife sees what her monthly payment will be on a car loan, I suggest that she try to put aside that much of her personal spending money each month and not touch it for any reason - not for shopping, not for vacation, nothing. This will teach her what it is like to live with a large monthly car payment. (FYI: It is not fun!). If after one year she has succeeded in doing this and is still gung-ho about taking out a car loan she will at least have a sizable down-payment to go along with her trade-in vehicle. At this point, she will understand the discipline it takes to take on a car loan and will have proven that she is up to committing to it. Thius, in turn, will reflect marvelously on her credit report. If, on the other hand, she discovers that the sacrifice required is not one she can make she should agree to be content to drive her current vehicle until the time for a new one arrives - which will be when the becomes unsafe to drive or when yearly repair costs outstrip its value. In my experience, it generally takes less than twelve months to discover the sacrifices required to take on a large car payment are not worth making. In the meantime, you need to work on the power struggle that is occurring between the two of you.

Does your wife somehow feel like she receives less at home because she earns slightly less in the workplace? Does your wife suffer from some other form of emotional insecurity? Is she being - or has she been - bullied or made to feel insignificant by other women? I ask because using sex as a weapon or a bargaining chip - as your wife is doing by withholding it - is generally the result of the with-holder feeling a lack of power in the relationship (if, of course, the reason is not health related which does not appear to be the case). 

By withholding sexual attention, your wife has grabbed the seat of power in your marriage and is attempting to wield it to get her way. Surely she values marital intimacy more than a new minivan? Have you asked her this question? Getting to the real reason she feels the need to attempt to emotionally overpower you may help your wife overcome whatever feelings of insecurity she is attempting to overcome through a status purchase - which is what a $40,000 minivan is; a luxury purchase that, in our world of excess, will cause envy among those who see her driving it. 

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Wife Wants A New Car Payment; Husband Wants To Live Debt-Free

Dear Tazi:

I would like to buy a new car, but my husband feels that we cannot afford it at this time. He would like to use the money that would go to a monthly car payment to pay extra on our student loans each month and pay them off early so we can live debt-free. I argue that the money we spend on repairs for my current car is adding up, and the next major repair could end up costing more than the car is even worth.

In the last six months, I have had to replace the water pump, timing belts, all four tires, rear brakes, and several minor repairs. All told, I have put about $2,000 worth of repairs into it without even touching the engine or the transmission. My husband argues that the brand of car I drive has a reputation for lasting forever, and that the $2,000 I have put into my car probably represents all the repairs that I will have to make for the next three to four years, thus making the argument for keeping the car a more economical decision. Tazi, in three to four years my car will be over ten years old with a trade-in value of almost nothing. I would rather sell my current car while I can still get a solid down-payment on a new car for it, but my husband is adamant in his decision and since he controls our finances, I feel like I am stuck. Do you have any ideas on how to work my way out of this situation? To help me convince my husband that my argument is just as valid as his?

Signed,
Scrooge McDuck's Wife

Dear Scrooge McDuck's Wife:

Are you calling your husband a Scrooge because you feel he is cheap; or because you feel he is stingy towards the needs of others? The first is a case that can be reasoned; the second is a case for a marital counselor. Once you have figured out the reasoning behind your hard feelings you will be better able to tackle your problem head-on.

You say that your husband "controls the finances". Just how much control does he have over the money you earn? Do you hand over your entire paycheck to him, or do you keep a separate account for your own spending money? What are your personal financial habits? Can you be trusted to properly balance a checking account, without incurring large overdraft fees?

Assuming that you are a responsible adult who can manage her own finances, I believe that you should have a say in the matter of your vehicle. Although your husband makes an excellent point about paying down your student loans, you also make a good point about the money you have invested in repair work to your vehicle. $2,000 is worth several months of car payments on a new vehicle (assuming you keep your payment around $300/month), so the ideal time to have purchased a new vehicle was before you put so much money into it. You do not say what brand of car you drive, but you imply that it is six or seven years old already. If you were to buy a new car from a franchise dealer (Chrysler, Hyundai, Toyota, etc.) they would be required to sell your vehicle at auction, and might not be willing to give you a very good deal on the trade-in value.

Your best bet would be to try and sell your vehicle in a private party sale, which could net a few thousand dollars, putting you even with your recent repair bills. This strategy may work well with your husband, who appears concerned about losing money on the recent repair investment made in your vehicle. You can search the Kelly Blue Book value of your car to see what a fair price for a private-party sale. Armed with this information, you can make a well-researched argument for the purchase of a new vehicle. So long as the car you choose is moderately priced ($25K or less) and your husband is a reasonable man, he should at least be willing to listen to what you have to say.

If your husband's ears are deaf to your pleas, I have to wonder if there is more to the story than you are telling me - like the size of your student loan debt; your ability to manage money; or the price-tag of the car you desire. Be honest with yourself, and some of your confusion may lift.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.