Black Friday Plans Make Some People Blue

Dear Tazi:

Every year my family loves to have a big, traditional Thanksgiving dinner with all of the trimmings. Sadly, money is very tight for me this year because I lost my job and had to take a position making less than I was; because of this, I am planning on shopping the night away at all of the Black Friday sales that Thanksgiving evening. In order to do this, I will have to sleep Thanksgiving Day. I realize that this is less than ideal, but it is truly the only way I will be able to give my two children (both teenagers) the kind of Christmas they deserve – one with lots of presents under the tree! I want this Christmas to be extra special for them because their father (my ex-husband) got remarried this year to a woman half his age and the kids are pretty upset about it.

When I told my mother about my shopping plans, she hit the roof! She told me that Thanksgiving is about family, not shopping, and that Christmas is about love, not presents. She accused me of trying to buy my children’s love with fancy gifts and told me that she had better see me at her table on Thanksgiving or I can forget coming around for Christmas.

Tazi, I think my mother is being unreasonable. I will still be sending the children to celebrate Thanksgiving with the family, so they will not be missing out; my kids will be spending Christmas Day with their father, so I will be all alone if my mother banishes me from her table for trying to do right by my kids and giving them the best Christmas ever in a year full of downers. I told my Mom that she was not seeing the big picture, and she responded that “there are none so blind as those who will not see”. I don’t think it’s right for her to start shaming me with Bible verses, especially since she knows I don’t go to church. I think that was just another one of her digs. How “Christian” is that? Can you think of a way to make my Mom see reason and to let me go about my life without shutting me out of hers?

Signed,

Mama’s Girl

Dear Mama’s Girl:

Your mother is being overbearing in her demands and is holding you an emotional hostage in order to get her way…but while I disagree with her methods, I cannot say the same for her philosophy on how holidays should be spent. There is a reason why the Federal government has declared days like Thanksgiving and Christmas national holidays; it is so families can take the time off of work – without retaliation – in order to spend those days with their loved ones. (While I wish they would recognize major celebratory days of non-Christian beliefs, too, that is another argument).

Your plan to spend Thanksgiving shopping has more holes in it than a Babybel Swiss!

I am beholding the power of cheese!

To start, you mention that you want to give your children the “best Christmas ever” but seem to think abandoning them on Thanksgiving is no big deal. In a year of hardships it is more important than ever to count your blessings and hold fast to family. Dumping your children on your family to spend the day sleeping and shopping is not going to make them feel important and loved, regardless of what you buy them.

Second, by shopping on Thanksgiving you are denying store employees of the privilege (some would say right) to spend Thanksgiving with their families. This year Thanksgiving also happens to fall on the first full night of Hanukkah, so to be forced to work this day would be doubly offensive to those of the Jewish faith.

Third, I will add that Christmas is about different things to different people, but it is not about buying someone’s love through expensive gifts that you call ill afford to purchase. I understand your children are not looking forward to spending the day with their father and his new wife, but ruining their Thanksgiving in order to accomplish your plan for Christmas cheer is the wrong way to go about solving the problem.

Fourth, I want to mention that your mother was not quoting the Bible, but referencing 17^th century Presbyterian minister Matthew Henry (1662 – 1714), who popularized this little known English proverb of unknown origins. Another Old English proverb is “wanting to eat your cake and have it, too” which seems to be what you want from your mother – approval to miss Thanksgiving and her open arms at Christmas. You realize that come Christmas you will need your Mom…has it occurred to you that maybe she needs you at Thanksgiving to make her holiday complete? If you want to go ahead with your Thanksgiving shopping plans you must do so without my blessing. I say that there will be enough sales between now and Christmas to equal the offerings of Black Friday.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Shopaholic Or Not, Wasteful Spending Cuts Into Savings

Dear Tazi:

I have a problem.  When I get bored, I shop.  I am not a shopaholic - I don't feel the need to shop or get any kind of high off of it or feel let-down after I am finished shopping; I just have nothing better to do with my time so I go online and browse for things - gifts for upcoming birthdays, new clothes, bed and bath goodies, and stuff on clearance sale that looks like something I may eventually use.

I am not in debt over my head from my shopping habits, but I would like to pump up my savings account a bit, which I could do if I did not shop so much.  I was reading about one young entrepreneurial woman in Marie Claire magazine who started her business on a whim while unemployed.  She was able to do this because she took $20,000 from her savings for start-up costs.  What twentysomething has $20K in their savings account?  I suppose I could have half that much if I didn't spend so much.

My boyfriend doesn't have a problem with my spending; he tells me that if it makes me happy why stop?  The problem is, I am not sure that it makes me happy; not when I see the alternative things I can be doing with my money, like saving it to start my own business someday, although I am not certain what I would sell. My boyfriend tells me I am over thinking this, but I am not so sure.  What do you think, Tazi?  And do you have any tips to help me curb my spending habits?

Signed,
Bored Far Too Often

Dear Bored Far Too Often:

Can you control your spending when you shop?  It sounds to me as if you are a controlled shopaholic - someone who can control their shopping and spending so long as they are not tempted, but go crazy once the opportunity to shop presents itself.  How long can you continue shopping for needless things before your habit puts you into debt over your head?  Just because you can handle your debt now does not mean that you will always be able to make the payments on your credit cards.  One bout with a serious illness or stretch of unemployment can put you under financially, so a solid savings account is a good thing to have!

Since a solid savings account appears to be your goal, I can offer you some tips on how to get there; and since you humans love the organization of a list, I will present them to you in list form.  Consider it a post-Halloween treat!

1.  Know the difference between wasteful spending and investment spending.  Purchasing a pair of high-end, quality career shoes on end-of-season clearance is an investment; purchasing a pair of high-end, quality party shoes on clearance is not.  Before purchasing something, ask yourself: How often will I use this?  If I put it into storage for the season, will I remember that I have it?

2.  Invest in a book by financial guru Suze Orman - and read it!  The information she has to share is invaluable!  If you are not comfortable buying a book, see if your local library has it and give it a test drive.  I strongly recommend The Money Book for the Young, Fabulous and Broke (Riverhead Trade, 2007).

3. Put your credit cards into a lock-box or safe.  This will help you to resist the urge to use them by making them more difficult to access.  Carry one credit card - for emergencies - in your wallet.  Better yet, join AAA; your membership card can double as a pre-paid American Express card.

4. Unless you are absolutely certain that you will be giving someone a gift several months down the road, do not purchase something that will be "perfect" for them.  Furthermore, ask yourself: might an even better gift come along between now and then?

5. When you get the urge to spend wastefully, look at the price and put that same amount towards your credit card debt.  By doing this you are saving money and paying off your past purchases.  A bargain is not a bargain if you are paying monthly interest on it.

6. Create a budget based upon your pay cycle and stick to it.  If you are paid weekly, your budget should reflect that; bi-weekly, your budget should take you through two weeks.  By doing this you should not be caught short and should not have to dip into your savings to pay your regular bills.

7. Create an Excel spreadsheet and record every penny you spend for one full month.  Categorize each item - food, entertainment, credit cards, rent, etc. - and see how much you are spending in each area.  This will allow you  to profile your spending and cut back on things you do not need.  For example, do you really need a Starbucks coffee every morning?  At $2.50/cup adds up to $17.50 for one week!  You could buy and brew your coffee at home for a fraction of that price!

8. Pay yourself first.  My Mommie's Grandpa always used to tell her that she would never have a savings account if she did not pay herself first.  She wishes she took his advice to put 10% of every paycheck into savings and forget about it!  She does that now, and I suggest that you start!

9.  Buy store-brand food; it costs less and is usually manufactured by the brand name company.  Put the money you save into your savings account.

10. Sign up for and use store loyalty cards, cut (and use) coupons.  There are many online sites that offer coupons for free, so you don't even have to buy a newspaper to get them!

These small steps can add up to big savings, which you can put towards your dream of starting your own business, owning your own home, or taking a dream vacation.  Please write back in six months and let me know how you are doing!

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S.  Shame on your boyfriend for not being more supportive!  Could it be that his habits reflect yours, and any change would create the need for him to examine his own financial habits?


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Irresponsible Borrowing Causes Trouble For Lender

Dear Tazi:

I have a friend who is always borrowing things and never returning them!  I would not mind so much if I eventually got them back, but last week she decided to have a yard sale to clean out all of the clutter in her house.  I thought this would be my chance to get several of my personal items back, but she still did not return them.  You can imagine my surprise when I stopped by her yard sale to discover many of my personal belongings on sale!

I told "Beth" that several of the items she was trying to sell were mine, but she denied it.  She said that since I had never asked for the items back they were hers to do with as she pleased, and she was choosing to sell them to make a few extra dollars.  She told me she would compromise and let me take that which I could prove was mine without having to pay for it, but anything else that was for sale - or had already been sold - was fair game for her.  Tazi, I was livid!

I managed to find several of my sweaters and blouses (thankfully, they were monogrammed) and a few scarves; my favorite umbrella (also monogrammed); and a box full of my books (which had my bookplates inside the front cover).  While gathering up my stuff, someone had the audacity to tell me she was planning on buying much of what I was holding, and demanded it of me!  I was so disgusted, I walked off before letting Beth examine what I was taking with me...which has led to a bigger problem.

One of the items that I took - thinking in all honesty that it was mine - was an expensive, antique Waterford crystal decanter.  I recall having one once, and not remembering what happened to it so I figured I had let Beth borrow it and she had never returned it.  The decanter is easily worth $500, and Beth was going to sell it for $10!  This was the item that Beth's customer had wanted to purchase.  Beth called me about the missing decanter, and we argued over it.  I refused to return it, thinking it was mine.  Later that evening, when my husband came home from work, he was surprised to see the decanter and asked me where I got it.  When I told him, he reminded me that our decanter had shattered several years ago, when one of our nephews went careening into the sideboard.

I called Beth to offer an apology, with the disclaimer that she had so much of my stuff at her yard sale that it was an easy mistake to make, but she refused my apology - and demanded the $10 for the decanter!  I refused to pay her, and offered it back to her, but she refused, saying that I had walked off with it from the yard sale so therefore I had bought it.  Personally, I think Beth owes me for anything of mine that may have sold at her yard sale and that we are even!  What is your opinion, Tazi?

Signed,
Ripped...Off

Dear Ripped...Off:

When you loaned Beth all of these items, did you ever ask for her to return them or did you simply wait for her to eventually bring them back to you?  Did you ever remind her that she still had your stuff?  Unless you both have the same initials, I cannot imagine why someone would want to borrow another's monogrammed clothing, but I digress.  The point it you allowed Beth to use your stuff and you never asked for it back.  Your stuff was at Beth's house, where you could have easily picked it up or asked her to bring it over to your house - you did neither, nor did you offer to assist Beth with the sorting of items for her yard sale - you simply showed up and expected her to remember what was hers and what was yours, in spite of the fact that you did not remember all of that yourself.

The expression "neither a borrower or a lender be" is a reminder of the personal responsibility that is involved with each party.  While the borrower is responsible for returning the item they borrowed in the same condition it was received, the lender is taking a chance that this might not happen.  Furthermore, things like books are often exchanged between friends.  My Mommie has books that she loaned years ago, but never expected to see again once they were loaned figuring the cost of sharing a good book is worth more than the value of the book.  Some of these books were returned, others have now been passed on to friends of friends.  It happens!

In the case of what is yours and what is Beth's, there is responsibility to be had on both sides.  It appears to me that your personal possessions were of no value or use to you until they were about to be sold at a yard sale.  Do you really want to be this petty with a friend?  As for Beth, she needs to compromise.  She has the right to ask for either the money or the return of her decanter, but not the right to demand that you pay for it, especially after selling some of your possessions.  Pettiness is no way to respond to pettiness - it perpetrates an ugly cycle.

I suggest that the two of you shake hands over coffee and make up with each other.  Explain to Beth that you should have taken possession of (or made repeated requests for) your borrowed stuff long before it reached this point, but that you would have appreciated it if she separated out any items if which she was unsure of ownership - as you should have done before leaving her yard sale.  As for the decanter, if Beth does not want it back ask if you can "borrow it until further notice"...if she does not get the humor in that request, you may have to reconsider your friendship with this woman.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Threat Of Black Friday Shopping Leaves This Man Feeling Blue

Dear Tazi:

My wife is one of those crazy people who like to go shopping in the wee hours of Black Friday.  I say whatever floats her boat works for me, so long as I don't have to go with her. We have been married for thirty years, and remained so because I tend to go with the flow and not make mountains out of molehills.  I love my wife, and would do almost anything for her, but she has made a request of me and I am drawing a line in the sand.

"Monica" slipped and fell on some wet leaves earlier this season and broke her foot.  She is in a cast and will remain in one until sometime in January.  Because it is difficult for her to get around, I have been doing all of the grocery shopping and other errands that she usually runs while I am at work.  I also promised her I would do the Christmas shopping for her this year; that she could order stuff online and I could pick it up at the store, or she could circle stuff in the sales flyers and I would go find it.  I failed to specify that my offer did not include going Black Friday shopping before 10 AM, and now that is coming back to bite me in a sensitive spot!

Monica is insisting that I hit the stores starting at 8 PM on Thanksgiving night and stay out until past midnight to shop at the places that do not open until midnight.  I say that Thanksgiving is for family and celebrating, not standing in line all day waiting for a store to open so you can save $100 on an iPad.  Monica feels differently, and has been pouting about it all week, threatening to go stand in line herself, in spite of the doctor's orders to stay off of her broken foot!

Tazi, I want to be a good husband to my wife and I feel that I have been over the years, but I also feel that my wife is taking advantage of my good nature.  I know this letter is late, but I am hoping you can print it before Thanksgiving.  If you think I am being unreasonable in not accommodating my injured wife, I will give up my Thanksgiving to do as she asks.

Signed,
Feeling Like Walter Mitty

Dear Feeling Like Walter Mitty:

Your letter arrived just in time for me to get it posted before Thanksgiving, which I am doing because you sound like a saint!  My ruling is that you are correct: Thanksgiving is for family and loved ones, and not for spending the day in line at Wal-Mart waiting for its 8 PM opening so you can save $100 on a 16 GB iPad (which is the kind that nobody wants anyway!).

I realize that your wife feels like she is missing out on something that is obviously important to her, so I suggest you ask her the following: how much is having the family together for Thanksgiving worth to her?  If she responds that you cannot put a price on something like that, ask her why she is.  Tell her that Black Friday sales may save you a few hundred dollars, but at what cost to your marriage and relationship with your family?

Luckily for your wife, Cyber Monday has just as many great deals as offered on Black Friday, and she can buy everything from the comfort of her own home.  Trust me, she is not missing out on anything.  Retailers hold back items until Cyber Monday so they have great deals to lure people into shopping online during office hours, when the brick and mortar stores are generally very slow.  The sense of urgency that surrounds Black Friday is an artificial sense of urgency, created by retailers to convince buyers that they will be unable to find the products they want at prices that they can afford in the coming weeks.  According to Time Magazine, 10% of Black Friday purchases are returned before Christmas as shoppers come down from the frenzy-doped euphoria of the day and discover that what they purchased wasn't such a great deal after all.  May this information give you the courage you need to tell your wife "no"...and may you and all of your family enjoy Thanksgiving together as a family, around the dinner table as Thanksgiving was meant to be celebrated!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Savvy Shopper's Savings Make Sister-In-Law Green With Envy

Dear Tazi-Kat:

I have a problem that I have never seen addressed elsewhere, so I thought I would write to you.  My issue is with my sister-in-law.  To look at her (and her house) you would think she was made of money.  She is always impeccably dressed in designer clothing, perfectly coiffed because she just stepped out of the student-hairdresser salon, wearing makeup that makes her look like she is still in her twenties (she is almost forty).  The inside of her house is just as amazing. 

When you walk into her living room, the first thing you see is her furniture – antique hardwood that she bought for a song due to the distressed condition and re-upholstered for an equally low price by buying the fabric from the manufacturer’s wholesale outlet.  She has adorable decorative touches that she claims to have purchased at estate sales for a fraction of their retail cost.  Recently, she completely redecorated the master bedroom on a budget of less than $1000, but in spite of the low cost, it looks like something straight out of a magazine; complete with several sets of brand-new, 500+ thread count sheets that she found on clearance for 75% off!

When I try to find similar deals, I am never successful.  I have asked my sister-in-law if I could “tag along” the next time she goes shopping, but she always seems to go on the spur of the moment when I am not available.  She has offered to help me surf the web for deals, but I am not comfortable buying online; whatever I purchase never looks as good as it does in the photo, whereas – again – my sister-in-law’s purchases look even better than pictured.

Thanksgiving is coming up, and I know my sister-in-law has a day-trip to New England planned for Black Friday, where she will come home with tons of amazing new stuff – most of which she will have carefully and thoughtfully purchased as Christmas gifts for friends and family – for which she will have paid almost nothing, as usual. 

I realize that my jealousy is starting to cause resentment, and I was hoping you might have some advice on how I can learn to shop like she does.  My sister-in-law really is an amazing person, and I do not want my jealousy to ruin our relationship, but I feel so frumpy and inadequate when I am around her!  I wish that I had her luck when it comes to finding great deals.  Do you think this is something that can be learned, Tazi?  Or is it just a talent that some people have and others don’t. 

Signed,

Short-Changed

Dear Short-Changed:

Your sister-in-law sounds like my kind of shopper!  I, too, would love to know where she shops and when so my Mommie can scoop up some of those great deals you described in your letter [Ed. Note: The letter was edited due to length].  For the sake of brevity, I will refer to your sister-in-law as “Sally”.

I spoke with a cat friend who has a Mommie like Sally – a woman who is always finding amazing deals - and I got the inside story.  The truth is that people who find deals like Sally tend to go shopping with an open mind and do not expect to find anything.  This way, if they do not find anything, they do not feel pressured to buy something in order to avoid going home empty-handed.  To them, no trip is a wasted trip. 

Secondly, shoppers like Sally do not have narrow parameters when it comes to the subjective.  They can just as easily live with the walls being painted pale blush rather than off-white if pale blush paint is what was on clearance when they decided to paint the walls.  Tag sales and estate sales are great places to find expensive treasures for low prices, but you often have to dig through a lot of junk to find them.  This requires the time and effort that separates shoppers like Sally from the rest of us.

As for shopping online, if you go into it thinking inside the box nothing you purchase will look as good as it does online simply because you are picturing what you see as how you want it to look – not as it actually looks.  If your bedroom is done in Victorian style, then look for Victorian touches – not Victorian touches in a particular size, color, and shape that simply must match all of your parameters.  What you seek may exist, but you will most likely overlook many good deals that almost match all of your parameters and end up pay full-price for an exact match.  Sites such as Ebates.com and NexTag can act as a search engine to great deals on websites you probably did not know existed.  As for purchasing clothing online, if the model wearing the outfit is 5’10” and willowy, and you are 5’5” and stocky, the clothing is simply not going to look the same as in the photo!

Designer clothing can be purchased for discount at stores like Marshalls and TJ Maxx, as well as upscale consignment shops; or even the Salvation Army and Savers Thrift Stores, where the money from your purchases benefits programs that help the needy.  Salon services can be obtained for as much as 90% off retail price at schools such as the Paul Mitchell School of Beauty, where only the best students are allowed to work on customers. 

In short, if you are willing to invest the time it takes to find the bargains you can learn how to save like your sister-in-law; and look just as fantastic in the process.

--Tazi-Kat