Youth And Beauty Are Not Mutually Exclusive Traits!

Dear Tazi:

I am a fairly attractive man in my mid-forties. I don’t drink, don’t smoke, and attend church regularly. I am financially comfortable and keep physically fit. I have varied interests, from outdoor sports to the theater and museum exhibits. I keep a clean house and can cook my own meals. I have good manners and know how to treat a lady. I even call my mother once a week! I like to think I am a good catch!

So what is my problem you ask? The only women who seem interested in me are women who are saddled down with young children. Tazi, it is not that I do not like children; it is just that I prefer my life to remain child-free. I have nephews and nieces who I love, but I equally enjoy the time when their visits end as I do spending time with them.

I do not consider myself a dirty old man, and would prefer to date a woman within my own age range, say 25 – 40 years old, but it seems that women in that age range either already have children, want to have children, or are too involved in their careers to find time for a relationship. A few of them have been goldddigers. I am not a rich man, but I own my own home outright, and this seems to turn on a lot of women.

As much as I hate to say it, I am thinking I may have to settle for an older woman if I am to find any kind of desirable female companionship. Before I make such a drastic leap, do you think there is something else I should be doing in order to meet the woman of my dreams? I feel like by giving up like this I am settling.

Signed,

A Young 46

Dear A Young 46:

How do these younger women – the ones you call “golddiggers” – know that you own your home outright? Do you tell them, in hopes of impressing them, or have they done a title search on your property to see if there is a lien on it? As glowing as your description of yourself sounds, I think you need an attitude adjustment.

You claim that you are looking to meet a woman in your “own age range”, but the range you mention starts at 21 years younger than you and ends at 40. This is hardly what I would consider to be the same age as you, or even within the same range. Five years either way can be considered the same age range. You need to realize that you may be a “young 46” but that you are still 46 and that women who are “married to their careers” may simply be telling you that they are not interested in a man as old as you.

Generally, women within the age range you are looking at will have children or will want children; there is no way around this. If you set your prejudices aside you may discover that a woman who is closer to your age would make a more suitable partner for you. Not all women in their mid-forties and up are dried out husks sliding into menopause, and you should not see them this way.

I think your first step should be to figure out why you want to date a woman who is so much younger than you. Do you see a younger woman as a trophy? Are you trying to recapture your youth or fool yourself into thinking that you have not aged at all? What do you have against women over the age of 40? I can name several that I would not kick out of bed, including Diane Keaton, Francis McDormand, Janet Jackson, Diane Lane, Tina Turner, Kyra Sedgwick, Angela Basset, Felicity Huffman and the other Desperate Housewives and any of the women from Sex in the City. Well, except for the bony one (sorry Sarah Jessica Parker, but I cannot date a woman whose haunches are thinner than mine!). 

The fine at any age Miss Jackson!

Diane Lane makes 48 look good!

"Annie Hall" (Diane Keaton, 67)
only gets better with age!

I am certain that there are several gems in your social circle that you are overlooking simply because their birth certificate was issued before 1963.

Do not look at dating a woman closer to your age as “giving up” but rather as trading up – with an older woman, you do not have to deal with as much drama; they know who they are and what they want out of life, and like you tend to be financially stable with well-rounded personalities.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Parents Must Work Together To Successfully Raise Children

Dear Tazi:

I am having a problem with my children and my husband just indulges them. It is enough to make me scream! I have two school-age boys who get no physical activity outside of recess and gym class at school. My husband and I are on a tight budget due to student loan payments and a mortgage, so we cannot afford to sign them up for Little League or Pee Wee football, not that they would play if we did; they prefer to sit around the house watching TV and eating whatever junk food they can sneak.

I am a Nurse and I work third shift, so I am home to get my boys ready for school and off for the day. I pack nutritious lunches for them – fruit or yogurt, string cheese, vegetable chips, turkey sandwiches, etc. – but I get the impression that they swap with their friends for junk food. When they get home from school, they never want to go out and play and I am generally busy getting dinner ready before taking an after-dinner/before work nap to go outside and play with them. When my husband arrives home from work, he complains that he is too tired to play catch or touch football or even to go on a bike ride with the boys; he just wants to eat dinner and veg out in front of the TV. Tazi, he works at a desk all day, so it is not like he is physically exerting himself! On weekends, I can’t pry any of them away from the TV. What is worse, my husband will sit there with a beer and a bag of chips; although he will not let the boys drink beer he does let them eat potato chips “to keep them quiet on his day off”. Tazi, it is my day off, too, and this is not how I want to spend it!

I have pretty much given up on my husband as a lost cause, but I do not want my children developing his same bad habits! My younger son is already showing signs of developing a weight problem (he was 5 pounds over at his physical last month, which is significant for a young child). What can I do to get my kids active without coming off as the mean parent?

Signed,

Nurse Mom

Dear Nurse Mom:

I think you need to start with your husband. When parents are not on the same page, children get mixed messages about what is acceptable behavior. Your husband may be tired after work, but what about you? You come home from work only to take care of your children before getting some sleep yourself, only to wake up and start all over again when they get home from school! When is your break? You need to start taking one before you fall apart!

While your husband may be too tired after work to play football, this should not excuse him from spending quality time with his sons. An invigorating walk or bike ride can work wonders for a person’s energy levels. Give your husband the option: every evening after work he can take the boys out for a walk or a bike ride or some other form of physical activity or he can make dinner while you take the boys out for half an hour of exercise. If he refuses to do either, follow through with your exercise just the same. When you return, you can throw together some sandwiches for you and your sons; let your husband fend for himself until he learns that marriage is a partnership and that in order to get he is going to have to start giving.

You will also have to start limiting the amount of TV your family watches. Are there other children in the neighborhood with whom you could organize activities? During the nice weather, children should be outside running around and playing games, not sitting inside glued to the TV. Watching television should be a rainy day activity only; this will not only cut down on their TV watching, but also their snacking on junk food. While you cannot parent your husband you can put your foot down and implement a rule of no food in the TV room. This will solve the problem of crumbs on the furniture and the floor as well as the issue of mindless snacking in front of the TV. The punishment for breaking this rule could be to immediately have to vacuum the carpets and the furniture.

In closing, I a going to recommend marital counseling and/or parenting classes for you and your husband; you need to learn to work together and to respect each other in order for both your marriage and your family life to work.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Woman Assumes Too Much, Sets Off Embarrassing Chain Of Events

Dear Tazi:

I have made a hugely embarrassing mistake, and I have no idea how to make up for it. My husband is a local police officer; he works in the Special Victims' unit, dealing with sexual offenders and other odious crimes. Since we have two small children, I am ever vigilant to keep their Daddy's work at work (he does not discuss his work at home) and keep a regular eye on the sexual offenders' registry, which shows pictures of the registered offenders as well as their addresses.

A few months ago, a single man moved into the house down the street from us. He generally keeps to himself and rarely comes outside. The leader of our Neighborhood Watch told me that he refused her invitation to join; he has also ignored invitations from others who have asked him over for coffee and other "get to know you" get-togethers.

I was curious as to why he was so standoffish, but thought I had figured out why when I decided to run an online background check on him through the sexual offenders registry - I believe that you can never be too careful, especially when you have children! All I had was his last name (it's on his mailbox) and our city/state information, but I was shocked to see his picture come up when I did a search! I immediately reported him to my husband, and asked him to pay a visit to the man.

To my absolute shame, my neighbor is not the sexual offender I accused him of being. He has an identical twin brother who has served time for having relations with a thirteen year old girl and is now registered as a sexual offender. My neighbor is now convinced that the members of the Neighborhood Watch were the accusers, and refuses to have anything to do with anyone associated with the program.

Tazi, I would like to make a public apology to my neighbor and to the Neighborhood Watch, who he has credited with my improper assumption. I am not sure how I should go about doing this, though. I was considering something along the lines of a Christmas newsletter, only it would be a letter of apology sent to all. My husband says to let sleeping dogs lie, but I just can't...

Signed,
Embarrassed

Dear Embarrassed:

Where do I begin? I could address your original behavior (an online background check with nothing more than a last name? Really?) but you seem contrite, and you had the best interests of your children at heart, so I will let you slide without a Paw Slap of Disgust this time; you seem to have learned your lesson.

If you have such a burning desire to apologize to your neighbor, why not do just that? There is no need to make a huge production out of it; in fact, I think sending out a public apology will only serve to further embarrass your neighbor, who has already suffered enough humiliation and invasion into his private life. I suggest that you send a handwritten not to your neighbor (you obviously have his address) apologizing for your behavior and taking the full and proper blame for this unfortunate accusation. If from there he chooses to apologize to the members of the Neighborhood Watch for his accusations against them then that is his business and his alone. It is not your place to apologize to the Neighborhood Watch for additional false accusations.

Let this situation be a lesson learned. From now on, please leave the detective work to your husband and remember not to assume anything!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Mother Cannot Bear Daughter's Bare Feet

Dear Tazi:

I cannot get my five year old daughter to wear shoes for anything. I have tried punishment, withholding privileges, and even grounding but nothing works; she hates wearing shoes! While I am okay with her going barefoot inside the house, it upsets me that she insists on going outside barefoot. I am afraid she is going to contract ringworm or cut her foot on a rusty nail and get tetanus. My husband says I am being overprotective, and that playing outside while barefoot is a simple childhood joy. He argues that as long as she washes her feet when she comes in side (which she does) she should not contract any kind of life-threatening disease.

I never went barefooted as a child, and think that in a civilized society people should have their feet covered at all times. Am I overreacting? Or am I right?

Signed,
Always Shod

Dear Always Shod:

Are you the kind of person who wears socks to bed? As a cat, I am always barefooted, and I can understand why you humans would like to keep something on your feet while there is snow on the ground, but I pity the person who never gets to feel the sweet, newly mown grass on his or her paws! In my opinion, your husband is only half-correct; going barefooted is not just a childhood pleasure. It is a pleasure that many adults enjoy, too. There are even organizations dedicated to living a barefooted life!

I also enjoy sitting in the grass when it needs to be mowed...

So long as your daughter thoroughly washes her feet regularly and your house and yard are free from sharp objects on which she could step, I do not see a problem with indulging her on this one. As a parent, you need to learn to pick your battles. Is this really one that is worth fighting?

If your daughter is refusing to wear shoes altogether, including into public places than this is a larger problem that needs to be fixed. Inform your daughter that a lack of shoes on one’s feet is often times a reason to deny someone access to a public building, and that she must wear something on her feet while out in public or she will not be leaving the yard.

I strongly suggest that you get your daughter’s feel professionally measured and fitted for shoes. (Any shoe store can do this for you). Your daughter’s refusal to wear shoes could be due to a painful fit. If they are too small or too narrow, shoes can be downright painful to wear! The practice of foot-binding is not traditionally practiced here in America!

In the end, if you are adamant about your daughter wearing shoes at all times, I suggest you allow her to choose them for herself. Sandals make for a great compromise.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

For Memories To Last, Children Must Be Old Enough To Have Them

Dear Tazi:

My husband and I are having a discussion about where to go on vacation this year. I would like to take our two-year-old daughter to Disney World, since she loves Disney Princesses and many of the Disney movies. My husband says that a trip to Disney World would be wasted on her, since she would be too young to make any lasting memories of the trip; too small to go on any of what he calls "the fun rides"; and would probably get tired from all of the walking and he would end up having to push her in a stroller the entire time, which is not *his* idea of a vacation!

Tazi, I cannot believe how selfish my husband is being! A trip to Disney World is every child's dream, and I know my daughter would enjoy it, regardless of how old she is. And besides, who is to say that she will be too young to make any "lasting" memories? I am certain that this trip will be something she holds dear to her heart forever! So what if her father will have to carry her or push her in a stroller for some or most of the time? He has two strong arms! Shouldn't he want to be of service to his daughter?

My husband has put his foot down and has said no to a Disney World vacation this year, believing that we should wait until our girl is at least five before attempting such a trip. What if she is no longer interested in Disney by then? What if she has moved on to Barbie or some other childhood interest?

I have begged, pleaded, and withheld sex, but my husband is firm. He says that the money he earns is what will be paying for our vacation, and if I want to go to Disney World this year I can get a job and pay for it myself. I told him I would go work a stripper pole to earn the money, and things went downhill from there. Tazi, I wouldn't really go to work as an exotic dancer, but the point is the same: I want what I want! Is this somehow unreasonable?

Signed,
Disney Lover

Dear Disney Lover:

Yes, I believe that you are being unreasonable. As for who is to say that a two year old cannot create "lasting" memories I believe that would be the doctors who study this kind of stuff. Research shows that by the age of 10, most children cannot remember anything that occurred before the age of three. Couple this with the fact that your daughter would be too young to enjoy many of the delights that Disney World has to offer and the fact that this vacation would in no way be relaxing for your husband you may want to reconsider your plans for Disney World.

The nice thing about Disney is that people never outgrow it. Young or old, I cannot think of a single person who would not enjoy a trip to Disney World! Why do you think the Travel Channel rated it one of its Top Ten Honeymoon Destinations? Just as I doubt your daughter will outgrow Disney within the next few years, I am doubting the reasoning behind your argument. Are you sure this desire to go to Disney World is about your daughter? Or is it more about fulfilling your desire to go to Disney World?

As a stay-at-home Mom, I am sure that you  have your own issues to deal with, including the question of whether or not your ideas and opinions are valid. Many SAH Mom's start to feel like they have no say in financial decisions because they do not bring home a paycheck. Your husband's response that the money "he" earns is what is paying for the trip was just plain awful. If he seeks to give you so little control over the finances and then lord it over you that he is the breadwinner in the family I can see why you are so stuck on getting your own way.

Your threat to make a living pole dancing would be enough to upset any husband who still has a pulse, and probably many without one, too. I realize it was made in the heat of the moment, but your comment went too far, as did your husband's. It is time for the two of you to apologize to each other for your hurtful comments, if you have not already.

If you are comfortable with the idea of a grandparent or other close family member watching your daughter for a few days, why not take a trip to Disney World as a couple now, and in a few years as a family? This option is more expensive, but would offer your husband and you a chance to reconnect as a couple, like you did before you had children. From the tone of your argument, there is a lot of resentment building between the two of you that is unrelated to your vacation planning, but is coming out as you try to plan what is supposed to be a happy, carefree time. A few sessions with a marital counselor, clergy, or other trained professional may be beneficial to your marriage - and anything that benefits your marriage will be what is most beneficial to your little girl.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Quality Time With Family Should Not Involve The Television

Dear Tazi:

I am a teenage girl with two brothers. My parents and my brothers all like the same types of TV shows, while I prefer something different. Every night the rest of my family wants to watch one TV show, and I would rather not watch at all than watch something that does not interest me. Because of this, I politely get up and go to my bedroom to watch TV in my room or study or something else that I find interesting. Sometimes, I just go to bed early.

My mother has been getting on my back about not staying in the living room "to spend quality time with the family". I have explained to her that I do not enjoy the same TV shows everyone else wants to watch, but my mother took it the wrong way and told me that the majority rules and that everyone else isn't going to be put out so I can watch my TV shows. It is not like I am trying to force everyone to conform to my TV tastes, Tazi! I told my Mom that I do not expect everyone else to watch my shows, but that I should not be forced to watch theirs.

My mother has threatened to take the TV out of my room if I refuse to sit and watch TV with the family for at least an hour each night. I don't think this is very fair. I just don't get the enjoyment they do from watching their shows, so why should I be forced to watch them?

Signed,
Not A Fan Of Reality TV

Dear Not A Fan Of Reality TV:

At the risk of angering your mother, I am going to rule with you - to an extent. I do not consider watching TV as a family "spending quality time" together. Quality time involves interaction with each other, something watching TV does not allow - especially if you are bored to tears with what is actually on, and wishing you could be watching something else. My larger concern is that you are still a student and your time would be better spent on your studies than on watching television.

Since your mother would like you to spend at least one hour with the family each evening, I suggest a compromise: for that one hour, you get to choose the television programming. If nobody is on board with this idea (and I doubt they will be) I have an even better suggestion: turn of the TV and spend real quality time together as a family at least twice a week. Card games, board games, Yahtzee, and other games that involve face-to-face interaction. DVR the television shows to watch at a later time. On the evenings when the family is watching TV, you should be allowed to excuse yourself to do homework or study. TV programs can be recorded or watched On Demand at a later time.

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

A Cat's Perspective Can Answer A Lot Of Questions

Dear Tazi:

I have a cat and he is driving me crazy. "Russel" is five years old and no longer a kitten, but he constantly wants my attention whenever I am busy doing something else! If I am just sitting there, Russel is nowhere to be found, but as soon as I fire up my laptop; grab the newspaper; or worst of all sit down on the toilet he shows up out of nowhere and wants to jump on top of me.

Yesterday I got upset with Russel for climbing all over me during the Patriots game and I shoved him to the floor. Tazi, this cat looked at me like I was some kind of evil. I felt badly and scooped him up to sit with me, which turns out is all that he wanted anyway. I know you have a close relationship with your "Mommie" and was wondering if you could tell me how I could learn to have that kind of relationship with my cat. You see, my girlfriend wants to get married and have kids someday, and I'm thinking if I can't handle a cat there is no way I am going to be able to handle kids. I love my girl and don't want to disappoint her.

Signed,
Impatient Cat Owner

Dear Impatient Cat Owner:

Your problem rests in your signature - you do not own a cat; nobody actually owns a cat, they simply share a home with their cat, who has generously agreed to stay on in return for food, shelter, toys, and your undivided attention at all times (even when we are nowhere in sight).

Don't try to fight it, man...

In all seriousness, cats are not dogs and cannot be expected to act as such. I suggest you start to take notice of exactly when Russell comes out of nowhere and jumps up on you. You say it is whenever you are busy doing something, but that is not how it looks to Russel. Think about it...while you are on your laptop computer; while you are reading the newspaper; while you are on the toilet. What do these three activities have in common? I mean aside from the fact that you use the two former to keep you occupied while on the latter! The point I am trying to make is that you are sitting down during all three of these activities. From Russel's point of view you are not busy at all; you are just sitting there...ignoring him.

As you noticed while watching your football game, all Russel wanted was to be held - not to go for a walk on a leash (ugh!); not to play fetch with a tennis ball; not to do any number of things that dogs do; he just wanted a cuddle. Try giving your kitty a cuddle the next time he gets up in your grill and see what happens.

No. Just...no.

I think it says a lot about you that you are looking ahead to when you have children, and wondering if your lack of patience with your cat is a reflection on your parenting skills. While I cannot answer this (a child is not a cat) I do think your behavior is a reflection on your ability to make time for those around you. My Mommie and I are so close because we carve out time for each other. At the end of the day when all of her work is done and she is ready for bed, I jump on top of her for a cuddle to help her sleep. During the course of the day, we speak to each other with great regularity.

The next time Russel meows at you, talk to him! Cats do not meow at other cats, you know; we meow to communicate with our humans! The more you talk to him, the more loved he will feel, and if you carve out some one-on-one time with him you will find your cat-human interactions less disrupting, with Russel leaving you free to do your business. Catnip toys, a cat condo, or even an empty cardboard box will also fill Russel's desire for attention. Like a child, cats need toys; be a good Daddy and provide!

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Parents Love For Adopted Child Not More Or Less Than For Biological Child

Dear Tazi:

I am the proud mother a beautiful six-year-old girl who I adopted as a baby. Her father (my husband) and I love her more than words could possibly express; I may not have borne her inside of me, but "Lucy" is my child, and I will have words with anyone who tries to convince me otherwise. My husband feels the same, and actually has told off well-meaning people who oafishly suggested that he would feel differently if she was "really his".

I suffer from polycystic ovary syndrome and always thought I was infertile, so I was quite shocked to discover that I was pregnant when I went tot he doctor a few months ago because I was experiencing flu-like symptoms! My husband and I are very happy that we are going to be parents again, and have been preparing Lucy to become a big sister. Up until recently, she has been very excited about the baby, but I am afraid someone might have said something to her about the fact that she is adopted (which she already knows).

Finally, after three weeks of making comments about how we will love the baby more than we love her, I sat my daughter down to talk with her and explain that we will not love the baby more than her, that love is not like a box of cookies that will run out if shared among too many people. Lucy got very upset and said that I was lying, that we would love the baby more than her because she is adopted and the baby is not. She said you can't love someone else's child as much as you love your own, and that she came from "a different Mommy's belly".

Tazi, my head stated to spin as my little girl confided in me! Obviously, she overheard such vile words from an adult - no child would think to say something like that! Holding back tears, a hugged my daughter until she squirmed and told her that my words were not lies, that Mommy would never lie to her and that she should not listen to those mean words because they were not true.

I do not know who my daughter is protecting, but she will not tell me who said such cruel things to her. She says she doesn't remember who said it, but I have a few ideas; some of my relatives do not believe in the beauty of adoption. If I find out who spoke this way to my daughter or in her presence I will handle it. Right now, I am wondering how to handle my daughter's crushed spirit? I am not certain her father and I have been able to convince her completely that we love her more than life itself, and always will.

Signed,

Mom and Mom-To-Be

Dear Mom and Mom-To-Be:

First, let me congratulate you on your newly expected family member!

It's not you; the bear really is moving!

A new baby can be a cause for angst among young children regardless of their birth status. Whatever clod decided to fan those flames deserves a Paw Slap Of Disgust. Feel free to print one out to carry with you to serve once you find out who it is.

You say that your little girl knows that she is adopted, and that she came from "a different Mommy's belly". I suggest you tell Lucy that she may have come from a different Mommy's belly, but that she is yours now, and  that nothing will ever change that - not even a new baby.

I like your analogy about love not being like a box of cookies that will not out if shared with too many people. This is something that a child can understand - to an extent. While a child understands how cookies work, love is a little more complicated than that. I suggest you try explaining the many types of love, and how you can love someone the same amount but in a way that is unique to that person.

When you get the chance, sit Lucy down and tell her that you love her in her own special way - not more than the new baby, not less than the new baby; just differently. In terms a child can understand, the love you feel for someone is like a snowflake - different from any other, which is why it is so special. Explain to Lucy some of the qualities that make her a unique person and therefore your love for her unique. Make her feel special by telling her that you could not possibly love someone else exactly the same way as you love her – that she is far too special – but that you most certainly could - and do and always will - love her the same amount, which is more than words can say and why you show her you love her with the things you do to make sure she is happy and healthy and safe and loved. Do not allow others to jump in and suggest that you and her father could have chosen a different child to adopt but you chose her - adopting a child is not like adopting a pet from the shelter, so make certain that Lucy understands that.

Once the new baby is born, try to include Lucy as much as possible in the ever-adjusting schedules and events that will be occurring around the house. Once she realizes that the new baby has not replaced her and that she is still very much an important and valued member of your family, her tensions about being loved less should ease. If they do not, talk to her pediatrician about a few possible solutions.

Snuggles,

Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Picky Eater Will Eat When She Gets Hungry

Dear Tazi:

My four year old daughter is a picky eater. She will only eat carbs! Her favorites are macaroni and cheese and french fries, but she will also eat spaghetti, white bread with butter, cereal, and of course sugar. Her pediatrician has said that she is healthy, but that I need to vary her diet in order to avoid problems like malnutrition and excessive weight gain.

I have tried putting vegetables in "Jennie's" mac and cheese, but she just picks them out. She does the same thing with the fruit I put in her cereal, and she will not drink milk unless it is chocolate milk - something I added to try and get her to drink milk in the first place. My husband is of no help in trying to get Jennie to eat a healthier variety of foods; he just suggests that we let her eat what she would like to eat, and as she gets older her tastes will change and so will her eating habits. His eating habits are just as bad - he will eat nothing but pizza and steak! I am at my wits end with both of them, Tazi! My husband can be responsible for his own heart attack, but I do not want my child to grow up thinking her eating habits are acceptable. Do you have any ideas on how to get my little girl to eat, Tazi?

Signed,
Frustrated Mom

Dear Frustrated Mom:

I suggest that instead of catering to everyone's tastes, you plan a weekly menu - and stick to it. Be sure to incorporate some of the foods your family likes, like macaroni and cheese or pizza bites; rather than make these foods the main course serve them in a smaller portion, as a side dish. This will satisfy their desire for the special food but leave them with other, more nutritious selections to fill their bellies.

If your daughter refuses to eat anything on her plate except for her favorite carb-laden foods, do not offer her more of them. When she makes it known that she is done with her meal, take her plate away from her - even if most of her meal is still on it. If later in the evening she complains that she is still hungry, offer her the remainder of her dinner (reheated, if required). If she refuses it, play along by telling her that she must not be all that hungry. If she throws a tantrum, suggest that she must be tired and that it is time for bed - then follow through with the choice she makes: dinner or bedtime.

A hungry child will not choose to remain hungry for very long. Sooner, rather than later, they will come to the understanding that if they do not eat what is being served than they will not be eating at all. Once your daughter makes this connection, offer her a reward - like a dessert treat for eating some of each item on her plate. Up the ante each time by requiring she eat a little more nutritious food at each meal before she can have dessert. In time, she really will be full and not just pretending to be full so she can have room for dessert.

I have to add that these ideas are not my own, but the ideas shared with me from mothers of picky eaters - and every single one of them had the picky eater on a healthier track within a few weeks. I hope that these ideas work for you, too!

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Dogs And Children Are Not Always Welcome Visitors, So Plan Accordingly

Dear Tazi:

My sister-in-law, “Elle”, is one of those people who thinks her dogs are her children and that they should be welcome anywhere children are welcome. The problem is that she owns two very large German shepherds. Every time she comes over to visit, which is a lot more frequently than I would like, she insists on bringing these unwelcome creatures with her.

Tazi, it is not that I do not like dogs; I just do not like them in my home. I have two young children and an indoor cat that are all terrorized by the mere presence of these animals. I have tried to explain to Elle why she cannot bring her dogs inside my house (I have no problem with her leaving them in my fenced yard) but she takes the matter far too personally, asking me how I found feel if she relegated my children to the yard when we come to visit her. The irony of that statement is that she has several rooms that are “off-limits” to the children when we visit, and I have no problem with this arrangement. When I point this out to her she insists that it is not the same thing.

Tazi, my children are only 4 and 2 – far too young to fight off a large and powerful dog should it decide it wants to “play” with them. My elder daughter is scared of these two shepherds and my younger is not fully socialized around dogs; I am afraid that she will try to pull the dog’s tail and end up getting mauled. My sister-in-law is insulted that I would even suggest that either of her dogs would do such a thing and tells me I am overreacting. I was bitten by a dog as a young child, and had to have extensive plastic surgery to repair the damage, so maybe I am being a bit overcautious but I cannot help the way that I feel. These are my children! What do you have to say on the matter, little cat?

Signed,
Scaredy Cat

Dear Scaredy Cat:

And your cat. These are your children and your cat, right? Just checking…in your panic you seem to have forgotten that Fluffy’s safety is also at risk, too, since cats pose a temptation for dogs to chase.


I'm tough, I know it...

Your sister-in-law sounds very self-centered. You have offered a reasonable compromise – to allow her dogs to play in your yard which, I am certain, they would prefer to being cooped up in the house – and she has refused to agree to this reasonable arrangement. Is there a deeper issue that runs between the two of you? Is she resentful that you married her brother? Since she visits “a lot more frequently” than you would like I am detecting an unusually close relationship between the two of them that puts you in the position of outsider. This should not be so in a marriage; as close as siblings might be, vows have been taken to put one’s spouse before all others. It is time for your husband to do just that.

Since Elle refuses to honor your wishes or accept any compromise that you suggest it is time that your husband step up to the plate and tell her himself: the dogs are not allowed inside the house. Your concerns for your children are sound; a two year old should not be left unsupervised with an animal – not even for a few minutes. A child’s cry can sound like a wounded animal, awakening an animal’s natural instincts; a child’s natural curiosity could result in injury to both the dog and the human.

If your husband refuses to back you up on this matter, you are going to have to take matters into your own hands. When Elle comes to visit you can take the children to the playground…or the movies…or the toddler gym…or wherever the dogs are not, even if it is to the backyard to play on their swing-set. Also be sure to isolate the cat in a closed room that the dogs cannot enter – for her safety, as well as theirs. When cats scratch another animal, we go for the face!

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Teen Wants To Drop-Out, Learn Lessons From The "School Of Life"

Dear Tazi:

I hate school.  It's boring and I think I could learn a lot more in the School of Life than I am in my local high school.  I will be 16 in January - old enough to drop-out.  My parents have told me if I do that, I can find a new place to live.  I don't think they would actually kick me out, but it is a risk I am willing to take.  What really has me angry is my father.  He owns his own company - a warehouse and shipping place - but he has told me that he doesn't hire people without a high school diploma, a GED, or a good reason for not having either - no exceptions, not even for me.  I don't think this is very fair.  First, my parents tell me I can find another place to live if I leave school, then they won't offer me a job to help me make it until I can find something on my own.  it's like they are forcing me to stay in school.

My Mom is crazy about you, Tazi.  She is always reading your column.  Do you think you can convince her to either ease up or get my father to give me a job?  Without a job, I have to stay in school.

Signed,
Hates School

Dear Hates School:

At sixteen years old, it is not uncommon to hate school.  Many of your peers also think school is boring and that nothing they are learning has anything to do with them.  Many of these students drop-out; some do well for themselves because they have a strong work ethic and generally were holding down a job before leaving school, others discover that dropping out was a big mistake.  Right now, the choice is yours to make - which group do you want to join?

Your comment that you could learn more from the "School of Life" shows a woeful amount of ignorance as to what the School of Life is really like.  Currently, you cannot handle a six-hour workday which requires you to attend 180 days a year, with weekends off; one week vacations every six to eight weeks; and three months off during the summer.  The School of Life may require you to work weekends; days as long as 12-hours, little to no vacation time your first year on the job; no summers off; and low-pay for work harder than you are doing right now.

I suggest that, for a moment, you look at your situation from an employer's point of view.  If you cannot handle school because it is "boring", what is going to happen if you do not like some aspect of your job?  Will you leave it for another to handle?  Would you be open to learning new skills to advance within the company, or is learning something that does not apply to your immediate living situation just not your thing?  These are questions that may go unspoken, but that a Hiring Manager is asking him/herself.  

I like your father's attitude - many employers are not willing to give a chance to someone without a high school diploma or a GED, even though the potential employee may have had extenuating circumstances as to why they were unable to complete their high school education.  This is something you will quickly discover if you drop out of high school (most states do not allow you to sit for your GED tests until you are 18).

Since you seem so gung-ho about working, I suggest you ask your parents for a compromise: You will stay in school and ask if your father will hire you to work after-school and/or weekends.  This will give you the opportunity to finish your high school education while learning valuable lessons in the School of Life you seek to attend.  If the experience of others has taught me anything, it is that you will soon discover how important an education really is.

If by the start of the next school year you still want to drop out and work full-time, your parents should honor this decision.  They do not, however, have to support your decision - I suggest that you save every dime you make, develop a standout work ethic and plenty of professional references so you can find a full-time job on your own in order to become self-supporting.  If I were you, I would not doubt your parents threat to kick you out of the house - it sounds to me as though your education is more important to them than it is to you.  I am not certain of the laws in your state (or what your state is), but generally it is unlawful to kick an underage youth out of the house.  However, you cease to be a youth on your 18th birthday.  Just saying...

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Wealthy Woman Discovers That Even Money Cannot Buy Sons' Attention

Dear Tazi:

I have two ingrates for children!  I did not raise them this way, but they are just like their father.  They put work before everything and everyone else.  Is it any wonder that they are both married to a couple of golddiggers who only want them for their earning potential?   

I am in my early 60’s and widowed; my workaholic husband died far too young of a stress induced heart attack, leaving me wealthy but lonely.  We lived far from family and his work schedule never allowed for socializing with friends.  I have kept busy since his passing, but am essentially on my own.  Our two sons are always too busy too visit with me, even on the holidays.

Quite recently, I was diagnosed with a terminal cancer that will most likely take my life within the next few months.  Although the news was grave, I am accepting of it.  I have felt fatigued for some time now, and thought it was just stress.  My illness is too far along for treatment to make much of a difference, so I have refused it in order to spend my remaining days peacefully enjoying what time I have left.

When I informed my sons of my decision not to seek treatment for my cancer, they were very upset and encouraged me to try, even going so far as to say that their father would be disappointed in my decision.  When I explained to them that treatment would leave me debilitated and in need of around-the-clock care they offered to hire a private nurse to take care of me.  When I explained to my boys that I would prefer not to receive such intimate care from strangers uneasy looks came over their faces.  The slightest hint that I would like them to step-up and assist me with my end-of-life care was enough to make them change the subject!  They told me that the decision to refuse treatment was my choice and that they would respect it, in spite of their disappointment! 

Tazi, I am still going to need some sort of assistance as my time grows near, and have decided that since I cannot depend upon my sons I will be leaving them nothing to depend upon in my will.  My attorney cannot believe that I would write my sons out of my will, but he is willing to go along with my wishes and is making my will so airtight a [gaseous emission] couldn't squeak out of it!

My question is, Tazi, do you think I am being unreasonable and petty?  Do you think my late husband will be upset with me when I see him again in Heaven?

Signed,

At Peace…Almost

Dear At Peace…Almost:

Do I think you are being unreasonable and petty?  No.  I think you are responding from a place of anger.  Are you certain that this is how you wish to be remembered?  Do I think your late husband will be upset with you over disowning your sons?  That is a question only you can answer.

You have my deepest sympathies for your troubles.  You say that you are accepting of your illness, but it sounds to me that there are still some issues that you need to address – the estrangement of your sons being the biggest issue.  Although their reaction to the possibility of assisting you with your care is reprehensible, it is not uncommon for children to react this way when put on the spot.  Your sons are still trying to process the idea of losing their mother only a few years after their father’s sudden passing; the thought of having a front-row seat to their mother’s suffering was probably more than they could take at that very moment.

Rather than write your sons out of your will, I suggest that you talk to them first.  Explain to them how hurt you are that they cannot make the time to assist you as needed in order to make your passing a peaceful one.  It is possible that your sons fear they are not up to the challenge of caring for you, and fear failing you during this crucial time.  A combination of at-home nursing assistance for intimate care (bathing, medications) and family-care for more standard assistance (a ride to doctor’s appointments, meal preparation) could work well for all involved as well as give your sons and daughters-in-law the opportunity to be close to you during your final months.  I think this will also allow you to get past your anger and sadness and find the peace you have almost found.

Snuggles,

Tazi

P.S.  If you have no one else to leave a bequest, I gladly accept donations!  Mommie's student loan payments are cutting into my snack budget!

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Is He The Father, Or Is She A Scam Artist?

Dear Tazi:

I met my husband of four years in church.  Like many people, he had a "past" and had come to the Church seeking forgiveness and renewal.  While we were dating, "Thomas" informed me of his loose behaviors and assured me that he was a changed man.  His commitment to me and to God are truly astounding, and I know that my husband is now as pure a man as a human can possibly be; I have long since accepted his past, as I know it led him to becoming the man he is today.

We have been trying to conceive for two years, and have realized that children are probably not in our future.  After much soul-searching and prayer, we had come to accept this idea when out of the blue a woman from Thomas' past contacted him and informed him that he is the father of her twelve year old son; that the boy has become an out of control "punk" and that she can no longer handle him by herself.  She demanded that Thomas "man up" and be a father to his child - starting with twelve years of back child support payments.

Tazi, we were both surprised to hear that Thomas has a son, and are more than happy to make him a part of our family, especially after giving up all hope of ever having children; however, we are not in a position to pay twelve years of back child support for a child we only just found out existed!  Thomas is angry that this woman from his past never contacted him before now, and is justifiably upset and feeling like his son was stolen from him by this woman, who had been a one night stand.  In all fairness, Thomas says he never gave out his phone number to women he "hooked up with" back then.

When Thomas asked how this woman had found him, she responded that she had tracked him down through Facebook and that she had been searching for him for years.  Tazi, she could not have been searching very hard - Thomas was always listed in the phone book and has several friends and acquaintances in our small town.  Before he reformed, he could always be found at the same bar, seven nights a week.  Because she never told Thomas of his son's existence and never made a claim of paternity, we feel that Thomas does not owe a dime in back child support.  When Thomas told his son's mother this, she broke down and cried saying she could not afford a lawyer to sue him for the money, and that she needed it to pay her mortgage or her house would end up in foreclosure.

Tazi, my husband and I are starting to feel like this woman only "found" him because she is hurting for money and thought him an easy target.  Going forward, we would like to play a part in this boy's life and to let him know that his father did not abandon him.  We have offered to start a college fund for him (as a way of making up for back child support) but all the boy's mother said was "that doesn't do me any good now!"

I hate to even think it, but I am starting to think that this woman is a scam artist.  Thomas does not remember her, but to his (dis?)credit, he admits to having "a lot of one night stands back in the day".  We have suggested going to court to prove paternity and  arrange for joint custody and visitation, but this woman just freaked out and accused us of trying to take her son away from her.  We have talked to the boy on the phone, but have yet to meet him in person.  Do you think we are being scammed, Tazi?  Should we contact an attorney - or even the authorities?

Signed,
Wanting to Do the Right Thing

Dear Wanting to Do the Right Thing:

Infertility can be heartbreaking, but please do not let your eagerness to start a family lead you down a path of deceit.  I cannot say if this woman is a scam artist or not, but things do not sound all that kosher to me.  However, your husband's past plays a part in this soap opera, too, complicating what should be a very easy issue to solve.

Thomas is either the father to this child or he is not.  The fact that he has been absent for the first twelve years of the boy's life is not his fault, and it is admirable that you both wish to make amends by starting a college fund for the boy.  Before you do any of this, you should contact a reputable family law attorney.  A simple, painless DNA test will establish paternity of the child your husband has supposedly fathered and you can move forward from there.

If Thomas is not the child's father, you will need to decide whether or not to call your local authorities.  I believe that you should.  This woman could be a scam artist or she could honestly believe that your husband fathered her child, and she is now in a desperate enough place that she needs his help.  She mentioned that her son is a "punk", which means she could be looking for more than money; she could be looking for a father for her son.  The fact that she does not wish to involve the courts leaves me wary of her intentions.

If your husband did indeed father this boy, a court will rule on child support payments - past and future - as well as a visitation schedule and custody issues.  I think your idea of setting up a college fund for the boy is a wonderful idea, and should be presented to the judge, if it comes to that point.  You and your husband will both need to reassure the boy's mother that you do not seek to replace her in her son's life, that you simply seek to be an added part of his life.  It is your husband's right as a father, and I am happy to see that you are embracing the idea of being a stepmother.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Mother Not Amused By Young Son's Obsession With Toy Guns

Dear Tazi:

My young son "Ralphie" is positively obsessed with guns. Right now, he is too young to handle a real gun - even an air rifle - but he loves the toy guns he finds at his friends houses and, since I will not allow such toys in my house (I feel that they promote violence) Ralphie will make a gun-like motion with his thumb and forefinger and pretend to shoot, saying "bang bang" as he aims at anything that moves.

I have tried everything to dissuade Ralphie's interest in guns, running the gamut from punishment to rewards, but nothing works! I am afraid I am raising a little Charlton Heston and this is not what I want! Ralphie's father is not a part of his life, so I do not know where this obsession came from, but I would like some advice on how to end it!

Signed,
Peacemaker

Dear Peacemaker:

I can understand your concern about your young son's obsession with guns; but please understand that an obsession with guns does not necessarily translate into an obsession with violence. There is a well-defined line between fantasy-play and reality. The next time Ralphie points his pretend finger-gun at you - or another living creature - take a moment to sit him down and ask why he would want to shoot someone. If he gives a response that indicates that he is just playing (and this type of response can range from "because the dog is secretly an alien" to "because the cat is a bad guy") put your concerns to rest that your son is not the next Son of Sam. You should also take this moment to briefly explain to your son that guns upset you, and to please not "shoot" while in the house. According to PBS.org, this means talking with him, not to him. Ralphie's understanding of how a real gun works - and the damage one can cause - is probably much less developed than you realize.

As for where your son's gun obsession could have come from, that is anybody's guess. Some child psychiatrists (which I am not) believe that boys have a genetic predisposition to aggressive behavior, and an interest in guns is an off-shoot of this programming. If Ralphie is interested in other toys and activities besides guns - such as sports, games, children's books, and other age-appropriate activities - I would dial down the worry several notches. If Ralphie's "obsession" with guns is to the point where he ignores all other toys, I suggest that you speak to his pediatrician about his psychological development. It could be he is just going through a phase, or it could be that there is an underlying cause for Ralphie's fixation on one particular thing (in this case, guns).

Regardless of how deep Ralphie's gun obsession is, here are some tips courtesy of PBS.org on how to talk to your son about his gun-play:

Talk with your kids
Instead of talking at your son about guns (“Guns are dangerous!” “Don’t do that!”) talk with him. His understanding of guns is probably less sophisticated than you think.

Ask open-ended questions to acknowledge the play and spur conversation: “Looks like you’re having fun. What are you doing?” And gently but consistently underscore the difference between real and toy guns by emphasizing how much fun it is to “pretend.”

Limit your child’s exposure to violence on TV or in video games
“I think exposure to violence on TV or video games should be a greater concern to parents than gun play,” says Joshua Weiner, an Arlington, Virginia-based psychiatrist who specializes in children and adolescents. “Repeated exposure has been demonstrated in studies to desensitize kids to violence. It is important to limit this exposure, especially in younger kids.” The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that kids be exposed to no more than one to two hours of “quality [television] programming” per day.

Monitor, don’t necessarily prohibit, your child’s gun play
As long as playing with toy guns doesn’t dominate a child’s time, it’s okay to let him explore it...provided a parent or trusted adult is watching.

“Many young kids (under age five) don't even understand what shooting someone really means,” says Weiner. “The shooting is more about power, fantasy and imagination—not killing and death.” That said, “If all your son wants to do is engage in gun play, you need to place limits like you would on any other activity done in excess,” Weiner notes. “In this case, parents should consider taking the guns away and talking with their child about their concerns.”

If you’re going to buy a toy gun, make sure it really looks like a toy

Encourage “target practice.”
Achieving the simple goal of hitting a target with a foam-ball gun can be extremely satisfying for an active little boy, and it helps develop hand-eye coordination to boot. Just draw a bull’s-eye on a white board or make a pyramid of empty soda cans, and you’re good to go, says Kelly Moore, a mom of three from Denver, Colorado. There’s an added benefit, she says: “The boys can be competitive and have fun without accidentally hurting each other.”

Teach proper gun safety
This one may seem like a no-brainer, but it’s worth pointing out: if you choose to have real guns in your home, it’s imperative to help your children understand and respect their power.

Again, these tips are courtesy of PBS.org. To read the full article, click here.

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S. You mention that Ralphie's father is not a part of his life. I do hope that he has other active, positive male role models in his life, or this could lead to other developmental issues down the road.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Mom is Afraid That Dad Is Trying To Raise A Bully

Dear Tazi:

My five year old son, "Jacob" is a sweet and active little boy.  He loves to run and play in the yard, but will stop to pick dandelions and run inside to give me a "bouquet".  He enjoys playing ruff-and-tumble games with the neighborhood boys but is equally comfortable giving a little girl a push on the swings.  I love my son dearly, which is why I am concerned about how my husband wishes to raise him.  I think "Jack" is pushing Jacob to be a bully.

I was recently baking chocolate chip cookies for my book club meeting, and Jacob asked if he could help me.  I thought by "help" he meant taste the batter and lick the extra off of the mixing wand, but Jacob was actually interested in knowing how to bake cookies.  He was fascinated that separate ingredients could come together to form something new; wanted to know why the oven had to be a particular temperature in order for the cookies to bake; and what happened to the cookies while they were baking, how they went from being "mushy balls of dough to real cookies" is what he said!

I was so proud of Jacob's curiosity and desire to learn the science behind cooking that I told Jack about my day when he got home.  Big mistake!  Jack accused me of trying to "turn our son into a sissy" and argued that the kitchen is no place for a man.  He then took Jacob outside and told him that it was high time he learned how to play football.  Tazi, Jacob plays soccer and T-ball and is very happy playing both.  I think he is too young to add a third sport to his schedule, but when I said this to Jack later that evening, he let loose with a tirade against both sports, calling them "sissy sports".  He then went on to say that Jacob is too soft, that he is going to end up being bullied if he doesn't start to toughen up, and that I need to loosen the apron strings!  I left the room on the verge of tears!

Tazi, my little boy is only five.  He just started kindergarten in September and he loves it.  He is not having any problems in school; in fact, he has made several new friends, both boys and girls.  His teacher says he is a joy to have in class and is always offering to help her pass out paper and art supplies or to help with the end-of-day clean up before the school bus arrives.  I do not think that Jacob is maladjusted in any way and I do not want my husband to discourage Jacob's natural curiosity - even if Jacob wanted to bake cookies because he enjoys baking!  Can you give me some advice on how to stand up to my husband?  I considered using your "Cut and Serve Paw Slap of Disgust" but I couldn't remember which column it was printed in; plus I am afraid that giving one to Jack will just make the problem worse.

Signed,
Jacob's Mom

Dear Jacob's Mom:

Excuse my a minute while I contact Chef Emeril Lagasse to tell him that, because he is a man, his place is not in the kitchen.  I will let your husband handle Chef Gordon Ramsey and even provide a fresh litter-box so you can bury what remains of your husband once he has handled the situation.  I am hoping that my dry humor is not lost through the printed word - as scary as Chef Ramsey is, I do not believe he has ever gone Sweeney Todd on anyone.

Your son Jacob sounds like a wonderful little boy, and I do not think that issues with bullying - either being one or hurt by one - is something in his immediate future.  As a parent, you are right to to keep an ever vigilant eye on the issue to make certain that the problem, should it arise, is nipped in the bud.  I do not think the problem here is with your son, but with your husband's impression of the relationship between you and your son.

The fact that Jack called Jacob's sports "sissy sports" is unnerving.  Your child is five years old!  Does your husband expect him to play tackle football at that age?  The comment that it is time for you to "loosen the apron strings" gives me a clue to Jack's side of the story.  Does your husband feel like a third wheel in the relationship between you and your son?  Or is he allowed to be an active participant in his son's life and childhood development?  Do you push your husband aside - inadvertently or purposely - when it comes to making decisions regarding your son?  Do you welcome your husband to spend time with Jacob - together with you or as Daddy and son time?

I get the impression that you are a SAHM (Stay-At-Home-Mom), which means you get to spend a great deal more time with your son, even now that he has started school.  Your husband could be feeling jealous of the close relationship that has developed between you and Jacob.  Not only does this closeness leave him out in the cold as a father, it also affects his closeness to you as your husband.  It could be that Jack feels he is no longer the #1 man in your life.

The issues you are facing with the raising of your son could reflect deeper issues in your marriage - issues of which you may not yet be aware.  I suggest that you hold off on delivering a Tazi-Kat Paw Slap of Disgust until you have had the chance to sit and talk with your husband in a neutral setting, sans Jacob.  Ask your husband if he feels left out of Jacob's life, if he feels you are the one doing all the child-raising and he is left to sit on the sidelines and watch.  Let Jack's answers guide your next move, which may include parenting classes or marital counseling.  Remember that counseling is not only for people who have problems - many couples seek counseling to resolve small problems before they become big ones!

Snuggles,
Tazi

P.S.  I have added a permanent page to this website, offering a "Cut and Serve Tazi-Kat Paw Slap of Disgust", Original, Claws Out, or Cute Kitten style!  Check it out!  --T.K.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Bake-Off Offers A Teaching Moment For Grandma and Granddaughter

Dear Tazi:

My eldest granddaughter is fourteen and is interested in baking.  She is very good at following a recipe, but does not yet have enough experience to create recipes of her own.  I know in time she will do just fine, and I am very proud of her skills.  I do a lot to support her, including assisting her with the cost of some of the more expensive ingredients for her cookies, cakes, and pies, and I am always willing to give her an honest opinion on her finished products.

My problem is that "Bethany" would like to enter the Annual Christmas Pie Bake-Off that our church holds every year.  There is a small entry fee, which I will be glad to cover for her, and a "tasting" fee for the public to join in on the fun and choose their favorite pie.  All the money goes to the church, so that they may continue with their missions of the Good Word.

I would be thrilled if Bethany wanted to enter the Bake-Off on her own, but she cannot.  The rules strictly state that all pie recipes must be original to the baker and, as I have already mentioned, Bethany has not yet formulated recipes of her own.  The Bake-Off is only a month away, so Bethany does not have time to try and formulate her own pie recipe. She is aware of this, and has asked me to let her use one of my pie recipes.

Tazi, I do not know what to do about this request!  On the one hand, I would love to see Bethany compete in her first Bake-Off; but on the other hand, I would like to see her do it with her own recipe.  To use my (award-winning) recipe under her name would be cheating!  I realize that all the money raised goes to the church, and one less entrant means that much less money for the church missions, but I don't think cheating is a very Christian way to go about raising that extra money!

Tazi, Bethany has her heart set on entering the Bake-Off this year.  I don't want to tell her no, but I feel like my conscience will bother me too much if I say yes.  What do you suggest, Tazi?

Signed,
Cherry Pie Mess

Dear Cherry Pie Mess:

Mmmmmm.....pie!  Where exactly is this annual Bake-Off?  Is it somewhere in the New England area where I could make Mommie and Daddy drive to and bring me back some pie?  Oh, I am being self-centered again - sorry, I lapsed!

My concern is not for your conscience, but for your granddaughter's.  Does she realize that the contest requires all pie recipes be property of the person entering it?  Before you do anything else, you need to explain this fact to Bethany.  Her response can guide your conscience towards the next step to take.

If Bethany was unaware of the rules and her request was perfectly innocent, is it possible that the two of you enter as one?  You could work together to make the pie and enter as a Grandma-Granddaughter Pie Baking Team!  If I were attending the Bake-Off, I would be perfectly charmed at the idea of two generations spending quality time together for a good cause.

If each entrant must be a solo entrant, in good conscience you must tell Bethany that she cannot use your recipe, but that you could work with her to try and develop her own pie recipe in time for the big event.  The recipe would have to be Bethany's own idea, but you could offer guidance as to what flavors work well together and what flavors do not.  My personal favorite is blueberry-peach pie!  Yummy!

One last possibility is that Bethany is aware of the rules and trying to sneak around them.  If this is the case, you need to have a frank talk with your granddaughter about good sportsmanship and fair play...and then tell her that she is on her own in finding a Bake-Off winning recipe until she shows a better sense of character.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Pregnant Teenage Neighbor Has Mother Worried For Her Own Daughter

[Editor's Note: The pseudonym "Jezebel" was chosen by the letter writer; the pseudonym"Carrie" was chosen by Tazi.]

Dear Tazi:

My daughter "Carrie" is seventeen. I have done my best to raise her with solid, Christian morals that are lacking in today's world. Carrie has always been a good girl, who has never given me a lick of trouble, but I am concerned about the kind of influence the girl across the street is on her.

Carrie's best friend "Jezebel" is not the good Christian girl my daughter is, as evidenced by her unplanned, pre-marital pregnancy. Jezebel's mother is thrilled that she is going to be a Grandma, and cannot stop beaming about this horrendous news. I have heard from Carrie that Jezebel's mother is redecorating a wing of her house to create a suite for Jezebel, the baby's father, and their bastard child. She is also talking about hiring a nanny to assist with the care of the child so Jezebel can finish high school and go to college.

Tazi, I have always warned my Carrie that premarital sex is an abomination in the eyes of the Lord, and would result in pregnancy, which would result in a life of poverty. In one fell swoop, Jezebel's mother has destroyed all that I have tried to teach my daughter! I have informed Carrie that if she were to come home pregnant not to expect the same welcome that Jezebel has received from her mother. I have told Carrie she is no longer allowed to hang out with Jezebel.

My husband travels frequently for work, so he is not here to assist me with Carrie; raising a child alone is hard enough when you are married! Knowing this, I have altered Carrie's allowance structure. She still gets the same $100/week, but only $20 of it in cash and the rest is on a prepaid debit card. This way, I can track her purchases and see what she is buying. (Condoms? Birth control pills? An abortion?). Carrie is upset about this change, saying it is proof that I do not trust her to behave, and my husband thinks I am over-reacting; both argue that I have raised Carrie to be a certain kind of woman, and that she is not going to turn her back on that upbringing. I, however, am not convinced. Carrie suggested that I write to you, and we have agreed to abide by your decision. Tazi, am I over-reacting?

Signed,
High Moral Mom

Dear High Moral Mom:

Your decision to raise Carrie to believe in an angry, vengeful God over a loving, forgiving God is your business - not your neighbors' business, so please climb down off of your high horse and stop judging them because they do not conform to your standards; let go of your anger over your neighbor's decision to support her daughter in her time of need, to welcome the birth of her first grandchild. Would you rather see the young couple dropping out of school, living in an inner-city apartment, and collecting welfare just to prove a point to your daughter? This does not sound like a very Christian attitude!

You cannot isolate your daughter from the world, so you must trust that you raised her well enough that she will want to make you proud and be the type of person you raised her to become. Jezebel (did you really have to call her that?) is going to need all the love and support she can get during a time that is bound to be stressful. However, between completing her senior year of high school, studying for her SAT's, giving birth, applying for colleges, and caring for a newborn I doubt she is going to have a whole lot of free time to hang out with her friends. Seeing this may be enough to reinforce that which you have taught your daughter about the side effects of having sex.

Your decision to keep a closer eye on Carrie's spending is one I can get behind, if only because I believe that a parent should monitor their children's spending habits, in order to help them learn responsible spending habits. Since a debit card cannot be used everywhere, and can be inconvenient for small purchases, Carrie should have some money in her pocket. It is your reasoning for switching Carrie's allowance from all cash to minimal cash and a prepaid card is, to put it bluntly, insulting. If your daughter wanted to purchase any of the things you think she might be purchasing she would find a way to do it without alerting you, by either going through friends or squirreling away money each week. For the record, on $20 cash per week, she would have to save for the duration of her pregnancy to have an abortion, which makes this worry moot.

I think you need to dial back the control you seek to have over your daughter and have an open and honest conversation with her about the fact that she will soon be an adult, off at college and on her own. Will you give her the chance to show you that she is ready to accept the challenges of being a Christian adult in a secular world?

Snuggles,
Tazi


Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.