Dear Tazi:
I have two ingrates for children! I did not raise them this way, but they are
just like their father. They put work
before everything and everyone else. Is
it any wonder that they are both married to a couple of golddiggers who only
want them for their earning potential?
I am in my early 60’s and widowed; my workaholic husband
died far too young of a stress induced heart attack, leaving me wealthy but
lonely. We lived far from family and his
work schedule never allowed for socializing with friends. I have kept busy since his passing, but am
essentially on my own. Our two sons are
always too busy too visit with me, even on the holidays.
Quite recently, I was diagnosed with a terminal cancer that
will most likely take my life within the next few months. Although the news was grave, I am accepting
of it. I have felt fatigued for some
time now, and thought it was just stress.
My illness is too far along for treatment to make much of a difference,
so I have refused it in order to spend my remaining days peacefully enjoying
what time I have left.
When I informed my sons of my decision not to seek treatment
for my cancer, they were very upset and encouraged me to try, even going so far
as to say that their father would be disappointed in my decision. When I explained to them that treatment would
leave me debilitated and in need of around-the-clock care they offered to hire
a private nurse to take care of me. When
I explained to my boys that I would prefer not to receive such intimate care
from strangers uneasy looks came over their faces. The slightest hint that I would like them to
step-up and assist me with my end-of-life care was enough to make them change
the subject! They told me that the
decision to refuse treatment was my choice and that they would respect it, in
spite of their disappointment!
Tazi, I am still going to need some sort of assistance as my
time grows near, and have decided that since I cannot depend upon my sons I
will be leaving them nothing to depend upon in my will. My attorney cannot believe that I would write
my sons out of my will, but he is willing to go along with my wishes and is
making my will so airtight a [gaseous emission] couldn't squeak out of it!
My question is, Tazi, do you think I am being unreasonable
and petty? Do you think my late husband
will be upset with me when I see him again in Heaven?
Signed,
At Peace…Almost
Dear At Peace…Almost:
Do I think you are being unreasonable and petty? No. I
think you are responding from a place of anger.
Are you certain that this is how you wish to be remembered? Do I think your late husband will be upset
with you over disowning your sons? That
is a question only you can answer.
You have my deepest sympathies for your troubles. You say that you are accepting of your
illness, but it sounds to me that there are still some issues that you need to
address – the estrangement of your sons being the biggest issue. Although their reaction to the possibility of
assisting you with your care is reprehensible, it is not uncommon for children
to react this way when put on the spot.
Your sons are still trying to process the idea of losing their mother
only a few years after their father’s sudden passing; the thought of having a
front-row seat to their mother’s suffering was probably more than they could
take at that very moment.
Rather than write your sons out of your will, I suggest that
you talk to them first. Explain to them
how hurt you are that they cannot make the time to assist you as needed in
order to make your passing a peaceful one.
It is possible that your sons fear they are not up to the challenge of
caring for you, and fear failing you during this crucial time. A combination of at-home nursing assistance
for intimate care (bathing, medications) and family-care for more standard
assistance (a ride to doctor’s appointments, meal preparation) could work well
for all involved as well as give your sons and daughters-in-law the opportunity
to be close to you during your final months.
I think this will also allow you to get past your anger and sadness and
find the peace you have almost found.
Snuggles,
Tazi
P.S. If you have no one else to leave a bequest, I gladly accept donations! Mommie's student loan payments are cutting into my snack budget!
Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.
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