Wealthy Woman Discovers That Even Money Cannot Buy Sons' Attention

Dear Tazi:

I have two ingrates for children!  I did not raise them this way, but they are just like their father.  They put work before everything and everyone else.  Is it any wonder that they are both married to a couple of golddiggers who only want them for their earning potential?   

I am in my early 60’s and widowed; my workaholic husband died far too young of a stress induced heart attack, leaving me wealthy but lonely.  We lived far from family and his work schedule never allowed for socializing with friends.  I have kept busy since his passing, but am essentially on my own.  Our two sons are always too busy too visit with me, even on the holidays.

Quite recently, I was diagnosed with a terminal cancer that will most likely take my life within the next few months.  Although the news was grave, I am accepting of it.  I have felt fatigued for some time now, and thought it was just stress.  My illness is too far along for treatment to make much of a difference, so I have refused it in order to spend my remaining days peacefully enjoying what time I have left.

When I informed my sons of my decision not to seek treatment for my cancer, they were very upset and encouraged me to try, even going so far as to say that their father would be disappointed in my decision.  When I explained to them that treatment would leave me debilitated and in need of around-the-clock care they offered to hire a private nurse to take care of me.  When I explained to my boys that I would prefer not to receive such intimate care from strangers uneasy looks came over their faces.  The slightest hint that I would like them to step-up and assist me with my end-of-life care was enough to make them change the subject!  They told me that the decision to refuse treatment was my choice and that they would respect it, in spite of their disappointment! 

Tazi, I am still going to need some sort of assistance as my time grows near, and have decided that since I cannot depend upon my sons I will be leaving them nothing to depend upon in my will.  My attorney cannot believe that I would write my sons out of my will, but he is willing to go along with my wishes and is making my will so airtight a [gaseous emission] couldn't squeak out of it!

My question is, Tazi, do you think I am being unreasonable and petty?  Do you think my late husband will be upset with me when I see him again in Heaven?

Signed,

At Peace…Almost

Dear At Peace…Almost:

Do I think you are being unreasonable and petty?  No.  I think you are responding from a place of anger.  Are you certain that this is how you wish to be remembered?  Do I think your late husband will be upset with you over disowning your sons?  That is a question only you can answer.

You have my deepest sympathies for your troubles.  You say that you are accepting of your illness, but it sounds to me that there are still some issues that you need to address – the estrangement of your sons being the biggest issue.  Although their reaction to the possibility of assisting you with your care is reprehensible, it is not uncommon for children to react this way when put on the spot.  Your sons are still trying to process the idea of losing their mother only a few years after their father’s sudden passing; the thought of having a front-row seat to their mother’s suffering was probably more than they could take at that very moment.

Rather than write your sons out of your will, I suggest that you talk to them first.  Explain to them how hurt you are that they cannot make the time to assist you as needed in order to make your passing a peaceful one.  It is possible that your sons fear they are not up to the challenge of caring for you, and fear failing you during this crucial time.  A combination of at-home nursing assistance for intimate care (bathing, medications) and family-care for more standard assistance (a ride to doctor’s appointments, meal preparation) could work well for all involved as well as give your sons and daughters-in-law the opportunity to be close to you during your final months.  I think this will also allow you to get past your anger and sadness and find the peace you have almost found.

Snuggles,

Tazi

P.S.  If you have no one else to leave a bequest, I gladly accept donations!  Mommie's student loan payments are cutting into my snack budget!

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Repost: Elderly Aunt Leaves Legacy Without Even Realizing It

[Ed. Note: Tazi-Kat is taking a holiday vacation this week. Please enjoy a letter that you may have missed the first time around!]

Dear Tazi-Kat,

You remind me so much of my beloved Spats, except that your paws are all black and Spats has the most adorable white booties on his paws! I am writing to you today to ask your advice on a question I have regarding inheritance.

I am a 96 year old lady, who never married and has no children of my own; just several nephews and nieces, as well as grand-nephews and nieces, and even one great-grand nephew! Before my siblings all passed (I am the youngest of 11!), my nephews and nieces would visit me regularly with their children in tow. As the years passed on, so did my siblings and the visits from their children became fewer and far between until they completely stopped about 10 years ago.

A few months ago, my youngest grand-nephew, "Carl" started college. For his American History class, he had to interview someone who has lived through important moments in American history. I was quite flattered when he chose me because, as he said, "Aunty Nana, you have lived through so much history!" I suppose that was a polite way of saying I am old, but I also suppose it is true!

As a part of his project, Carl stopped by to visit me on several occasions to ask me questions about my memories of important events in U.S. History - the bombing of Pearl Harbor, the assassination of President Kennedy, the civil rights movement of the 1960's, and the like. I have truly enjoyed Carl's visits, and I think he enjoyed them, too, because he has continued to visit with me on a weekly basis; even though his project is now complete.

Tazi-Kat, until Carl started visiting me, I thought I had nobody to whom I could bequeath my sizeable estate when I pass. I was going to leave everything in trust for Spats, and then to charity when he passed; but now I am considering re-writing my will and, after making financial accommodations for Spats and a donation to my local ASPCA, leaving the remainder of my estate to Carl. My concern is that Carl is still young, and I fear his interest in spending time with me will be fleeting. I do not wish to bribe him into spending time with me, but I do not wish to leave an inheritance to one who deserts me in my old age. It is for this reason that I am not leaving anything to my nephews or nieces.

I am also concerned that if I do leave everything to Carl, he will see it as a door to Easy Street and leave school before he completes his education. His goal is to be a History teacher, like I was before I retired. I know how difficult it is to live on a teacher's salary - my fortune comes from investing well - so I know that an inheritance will be helpful to Carl should he continue on this path. My Spats loves him, and animals are a good judge of character, plus he seems like such a good, sincere young man. He introduced me to the Facebook that all of his cousins use to keep in touch with each other, and shows me the pictures they post of themselves so I may see what is going on with them. It was on the Facebook that I saw your column, too! Such a smart kitty you are! Do you have any advice for an old lady like me?

Signed,
Aunty Nana to 35

Dear Aunty Nana:

You sound like a lovely lady, old or not, and if I were there with you I would cuddle up on your lap and purr to show you how nice I think you are!

It is shameful that many of our country's elderly are left to live out their final years alone, so I can see why you appreciate your grand-nephew's visits and his interest in what you have to say. Judging by the fact that he wants to be a History teacher, I would say that his interest in you and all that you have lived through is quite sincere. His absence from your life up until this point should not be held against him - he would have been no older than 8 years old the last time he saw you, and may very well not have known of your existence up until a few months ago - so I would not worry about him suddenly becoming too busy to spend time with you.

I can understand your concerns about Carl's youth and for that reason, should you decide to leave your estate to him, it should be left in trust for him until he

A) Reaches a certain age (say 25)
B) Completes his education and finds employment in his field or
C) Both of the above

This plan will guarantee that Carl is old enough (and hopefully mature enough) to handle a sizable inheritance and has completed his education. When a person goes through the trouble of earning a degree and in Carl's case, two degrees - a Bachelors and a Masters, as a graduate degree is required to teach in many states - they generally are not in a hurry to completely abandon it; regardless of their financial situation.

Please keep in mind, though, that you may have many years still ahead of you to mentor Carl and encourage him in his studies, so try to put worry aside and enjoy your time together. Whether you realize it or not, mentoring is what you are doing during your weekly visits with your grand-nephew; and this is a gift that no amount of money could ever buy! Long after you have passed on, the financial cushion that you leave Carl - however small or sizable - will be appreciated; but the time you spent with him is a legacy that will mean all the more.

Snuggles,
Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Sibling Needs Help Taking Care Of Aging Parents, Receives Excuses

Dear Tazi:

I am one of ten children; I have six brothers and three sisters, all of us grown. My parents are both older, and are getting frail in their later years. It is quickly becoming obvious that they will be unable to live independently much longer, yet they are too healthy for a nursing home and would not be able to afford assisted living (and they outright refuse to allow me to pay for it). While a visiting nurse is a possibility, such services would not be available around the clock and are really not what Mom and Dad need. They just need someone to help with their meals and to look in on them during the day, and then to help with chores such as laundry and housework.

For the past several years I have been giving up my free time to assist Mom and Dad with the yard work and the bills, while my wife and two daughters help with the house chores and the cooking, freezing meals to be eaten during the course of the week. My daughters are in high school, and the eldest will be graduating high school this spring with her sister graduating next year. Both are planning on going away to school, so they will not be around to help. My wife, who also works full-time, has been offered a promotion that will require more time of her, leaving less time to help care for my parents.

Seeing the writing on the wall, I have asked my nine siblings to come together and think of a way to help Mom and Dad, either by taking them into their homes (the ideal decision) or by giving a helping hand to allow them to stay in their own home. All I got was excuses about why they could not take Mom and Dad in and why they had not the time or money to assist with Mom and Dad’s care. Tazi, I am completely disgusted!

I would take my parents in myself, but a home with two active teenage daughters is not the place for them. My father can be very rigid, and I can foresee issues cropping up around my daughters’ busy schedules and dinner being late because of them. I will not put my children through this, not during their last years at home with their mother and me.

Five of my siblings all have at least one spouse who is home during the day, and two eldest brothers are retired. All have refused to let Mom and Dad live with them, claiming that they just don’t have the room (in spite of the fact that all of their children are grown and have left the nest). One of my sisters actually said that she needed to keep her daughter’s old bedroom open in case a grandchild comes along. Tazi, my niece (her daughter) has frequently expressed her displeasure about children and how she never hopes to have any.

Mom and Dad are both close to 90, and I have no idea how many years they have left but I doubt it is going to be more than 10, probably a lot fewer. My younger daughter has offered to take a year off of school to live with and care for them, but she is a young girl with her life ahead of her – this should not be her responsibility!

While I cannot force any of my siblings to take Mom and Dad in, I can make life very uncomfortable for them. Of the ten of us, I am by far the most financially comfortable due to a very successful law practice and my wife’s income as a middle-manager (soon to be executive) with a large corporation. In the past, we have always offered financial assistance with no strings attached because we are family. When my youngest sister got divorced I not only paid for her attorney but I gave her the money to buy her ex-husband’s share of their house so she and the kids would not have to move. \

My other siblings have also been on the receiving end of my financial largesse, and until now I have never thought twice about it. Now, I am considering telling them that the Bank of Brother is closed until they step up for Mom and Dad. Like me, they all have kids who are in or headed for college and graduate school. I don’t want my nephews and nieces to suffer for their parents’ selfishness. My wife says we should just set up trust funds for the kids, ignore my parents’ objections and pay for the cost of assisted living, and write off everyone else. I rather like the idea of trust funds for the kids, but the rest of her idea is pretty drastic. What do you think?

Signed,

A Lawyer In A Muddle

Dear A Lawyer In A Muddle:

Situations that normally appear black and white turn all shades of gray when our emotions are involved, don’t they? You sound like a man who is generous of heart and of wallet; your parents raised you well, and you are a credit to them. It is obvious you are very close to your parents, so perhaps you are unable to see their flaws as well as your siblings can see them.

You mention that your father is “rigid” and would not stand for meals being served late or for living with two active teenagers. Is it possible that his rigidness is what is keeping his children from taking him into their homes? Could it be that they fear he will try to take over as the Man of the House and turn them into children once more? There is more here than meets the eye, and it would do everyone a world of good to sit down and discuss the real reasons they do not want your parents living with them.

Your wife’s idea of disowning your siblings is extreme, but may also result in them buckling and taking in your parents – but at what cost to your Mom and Dad? You would essentially be blackmailing your siblings into taking them in; are you certain that they would make your parents feel welcome? There is nothing worse than feeling like a guest in what is supposed to be your own home.

You are an attorney, so I am going to make a wild assumption that you are used to negotiating, debating, and convincing opposing sides to come together in compromise. Try to think of your family as a box full of jurors who need convincing that your client deserves justice. Remind them of the fact that family members help each other, and that you are now asking them to come together and help their Mom and Dad. Do not lord over them the fact that you have given them large sums of money in the past; they are already very aware of this. If, in the end, not a single one can be convinced to assist your mother and father you will have to arrange to pay their expenses at an assisted living facility. If they balk, tell them it’s a loan and that their estate can pay you back when they are both gone.

Snuggles,

Tazi

P.S. If you want to set up college trusts for your nephews and nieces, make that a separate issue, lest it sound like a bribe.

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with Bachelors degrees in Communications and in Gender and Women's Studies. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.

Business Plan Gives New Meaning To Ice Cream Treats

Dear Tazi:

My grandmother just died and left my brother and me a small inheritance as well as the recipes for her blue-ribbon winning ice-cream. Our plan is to move to Nevada and open up a brothel and ice-cream parlor, but we can’t decide on a name.

We figure people will stop into our place for ice cream and a little something more. I want to call the place "I' Scream" (get it? I'Scream/Ice Cream) but my brother thinks “The Churn and Turn” sounds better because the girls will be churning ice cream and then turning tricks. This is the one snag in our otherwise brilliant business plan to make prostitution more acceptable. Once successful, we would open a partner shop for women called “Licks and D----“. THAT name we can agree on, but we don’t think America is ready for a male brothel just yet. What’s your opinion?

Signed,

Two Brothers With Big Plans

You want sprinkles on that? It's a few dollars extra...

Dear Two Brothers With Big Plans:

Gee, neither of you were creative enough to think of “Ho’ Made Ice Cream”? Oh, dear...did I just give you the perfect name for your tasteless plan? 

My opinion is that you are both a couple of creeps and that your grandmother must be turning in her grave right about now while my stomach is what is doing the churning. 

-- Tazi

Ask Tazi! is ghostwritten by a human with a Bachelors of Arts in Communications. Tazi-Kat is not really a talking feline.